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PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2015 8:15 pm 
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Posts: 50
Exercise Two:
I really enjoyed taking care of Ireland. To do activities she would normally do made me think about first just how to do it but how to do it well, what were all the little things I needed to think of to make it enjoyable and do it well. I wanted to do my best with each one of them, to brush her hair in a way she would enjoy, to brush her teeth in a way that really made her mouth feel clean. I learned through some trial and error. It was not just doing an activity, completing each thing, it was caring and doing it well so that she felt that I cared. As I was doing something I was thinking about how she felt, was she enjoying it, could I do it better. I enjoyed that I had to be close, listening to her feedback, watching her expressions. I made me feel good to care for her and get positive feedback (facial expressions etc..).


Last edited by Jcreek on Fri Mar 27, 2015 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 1:30 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2015 11:59 am
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Exercise 2

Exercise felt strained for me due to the separated state of our relationship. Being fed was an awkward activity. I appreciate him doing things for me and do feel helped, but not loved. It would seem that my love language must not be acts of service. I am not sure how at this early state in these recovery activities, with the trauma I have been through, I can muster up feelings of love and dependency. I have been dealing with his addiction for 15 years and I just feel out of any more hope. Pressing on to the Healing Contract.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:37 pm 
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Exercise 3

Values

Honesty
Faithfulness
Respect
Family
Keeping Promises
Trustworthiness
Relationship with God

Unacceptable Behaviors

Viewing Pornography in any form
Watching nudity in movies/tv for self stimulation
Going to Strip Clubs
Going to lunch alone with female coworkers
Hugging/sending friendly messages to female coworkers
Lying directly or by omission


Behaviors to worry about partners overall balance/symbolize a return to addiction

Becoming angry and argumentative
Traveling too much for work
Trouble getting an erection
Lying


Behaviors I’d like to see in response to what’s identified above



Responses for each behavior

Viewing Pornography in any form - move out of the bedroom for 2 months, plus one month for each next occurrence.
Watching nudity in movies/tv for self stimulation - move out of the bedroom for 2 months, plus one month for each next occurrence.
Going to Strip Clubs - seek outside counseling and move out of the bedroom 6 months
Going to lunch alone with female coworkers - seek outside counseling and move out of the bedroom 6 months
Hugging/sending friendly messages to female coworkers - move out of the bedroom for 1 month
Lying directly or by omission - move out of the bedroom for 1 month


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 8:32 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:40 pm
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Exercise 3
list five to ten areas of your life that you value (your values) and ways that you will protect those values (your boundaries).
Kindness /Caring- I will protect this by thinking before I speak. I will work in having empathy for others. I will find ways to serve others, my wife, family, friends, church. I will stay aware of my emotions and chose to act calmly.

Forgiveness - I will give forgiveness to others in the way I hope to be forgiven. I will protect this additionally by trying to identify when I’m offended and holding a grudge and take action to correct or resolve it.

Being a good/Godly Father - I will protect this by staying calm, teaching into their lives, being a good example (In how I act an treat their mother). I will read the Bible and pray with my kids.

Honesty/Openness - I will protect this by sharing my feelings, actions, thought life, with my spouse and trusted friends.

Faithfulness - I will protect this by understanding the values and foundation of our marriage. I will protect this by understanding principles and real boundaries in my life. I will take action to remind myself of the boundaries until they are life long habits.

Integrity - I will protect this by assuring my actions align with being one person. They should be actions that are acceptable with anyone, anywhere, particularly my wife. Integrity should also align with my faith. I will seek a stronger relationship with God, fearing him and pursuing a meaningful relationship with him.

II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in yourself?
Intentionally looking any naked body (TV, internet, magazines, in person)
Lying, telling a lie or withholding an important truth
Inappropriate relationships
Masterbating to stimulus
What behaviors would cause you to worry about MY overall balance?
Signs of depression or sadness
Overly argumentative, overly emotional,
Stopping with recovery steps, accountability partner, CR
Starting to avoid talking and awkward conversations
Avoiding being intimate
Stopping reading the Bible and praying
Signs of pride
Not acknowledging a wrong
Anger (more than normal life frustrations)
Leering, staring at others
Rationalizing poor choices
Self stimulation, masterbation
Watching movies or TV alone with questionable content (Sensual/Sexual)
What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to my healing?
Intentionally looking at any naked body,
Masterbating to any external stimulant
Having any inappropriate relationship with a female, flirting etc..
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from yourself in response to what has been identified above?
Regular habit of reading the Bible and prayer
Words and actions of Humility
Self Control, not raising my voice, controlled emotions
Admitting poor choices and working to correct them
Choosing movie and TV content wisely, not pushing the boundaries
A good attitude about life
Not being argumentative, saving discussion for the appropriate time.
Telling wife about any time I may have seen nudity (for healthy this of course would be accidental, in a movie etc..)
Discussing negative emotions (at the appropriate time)

III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior — should it be observed. (4/5/15 - likely need to add more to the list below)
Masterbating to any external stimulant and/or intentionally looking at any naked body - Separation, minimum 2 months sleeping in guest bedroom
Having an inappropriate relationship (non professional communication or activity, anything hidden) - Separation, 4 months sleeping in guest bedroom, get professional help


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:24 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:40 pm
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Exercise Nine:
It was good to hear Ireland talk through how the example related to her experience. It was hard to hear her confirm the pain of how the story related to her experience. It helped me related and get a better understanding of how she feels, why she acts and feels the way she does. I can better understand why I'm not trusted how that takes time. Even though I feel and believe I'm committed to recovery and moving forward from her perspective it takes time. I had no problem just listening and we were able to talk about it.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 7:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2015 11:59 am
Posts: 9
Exercise Eight:

I am integrating Joy into the recovery process. Their are times we just are and just enjoy life for a moment regardless of all the baggage.

I could offer much more sincere support. I support right now only silently. Like taking the kids when he needs time to do recovery activities. I don’t give any verbal support right now. I could let him know that his current work is good.

For sure the mistake I have made in my partners recovery is not having boundaries an enforcing them. Each time I’ve been through a discovery day with him I feel pain, anger, isolation but I have never given a consequence. Now that I understand this now as an addiction I will always follow through with consequences.

I role model healthy partnership skills by demonstrating my values in the way I live, listening when he needs to talk something out, offering forgiveness for small things.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 8:23 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:40 pm
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Exercise 10

Answering the question what would I need in order to rebuild my trust in Ireland if she did the things that I have done —exactly as I have done them is tough. I would want to see consistency in how she acted. I would expect her to accept the anger and sadness I would feel. I would expect her to be humble and a good listener. In order to trust I would want a sincere effort and evidence of life change over a long period of time. I would want honesty and transparency. I would want to see a sustained commitment to recovery.


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