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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:09 pm 
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We can obviously discuss this in more detail in person.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:54 am 
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To be fair the desire to change my life actually started when I met you. I fumbled through trying to be open and share with you. I stayed in denial about some things and was ignorant as to how to make changes. It is only through perseverance and patience that I have been able to make progress and log a few successes in the win column. Sorry this has turned into me me me again.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 9:39 am 
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Don't be sorry…it is about you, you, you. You're working on getting, and staying, healthy - and therefore moving our marriage forward in a positive way. I want to hear about as much of it as you are willing and able to share. The talking/sharing is what keeps us close and makes me feel like I'm a part of your changing inner world. I love you more than you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 9:41 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
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I do not typically coach on the couples forum, but as there were many posts, I was curious as to where you were in the workshop. There is not a lot for me to comment on, as the bulk of your work seems to be shared between you rather than online (nothing wrong with this). You are clearly a team. I do have one point to make, re Detroit’s statement: “ Iam currently in the process of doing the recovery work, and I continue to learn more about this disease.”

In health based recovery addiction is not thought of as a disease. Yes, there are some biological variables that contribute to addiction, but health based recovery presupposes that we are thinking -and not merely reacting- beings who have volition over our behaviours and cognitions, whether we choose to take responsibility of that or not. If one holds onto disease based notions of addiction and recovery, there will always be an "excuse". In health based recovery, you are challenged and encouraged to uncover any such self-deceptions. There are no excuses. Each action you take is your choice. If one continues to act out, it is because the value (immediate gratification) derived from acting out surpasses what they expect to get out of choosing to act otherwise. Or, said another way, the perceived pain of not acting out is greater than the perceived pain and consequences of acting out. This implies that there is a lack of connection to a meaningful vision for one's life and the actual purpose one can derive from those values that would support you in living into/from that vision.

Stage 2 of the couple's workshop has you each complete your individual workshops. Personally (and from observational experience) this is where you will really develop the insight and tools that will take you from being an addict, to being a person with an addiction, to being a person who used to have an addiction. The path is fairly straightforward, however it is rare than anyone ever travels it in a linear fashion. It is work, but it is worthwhile. You seem very compassionate with each other, which is a great quality and will help you sustain you commitment through the entirety of the process.

A long overdue welcome, and be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:52 am 
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Thanks CoachMel for your feedback and insight. I agree with and have actually embraced the health based recovery model and I do not mean, or intend, to fall back on the excuses available to me via viewing this strictly as a disease. That being said, I believe that we can be healed from diseases with the proper care, treatment, and changed way of life. This is how I view my addiction.

To my Baby: there is a post on the bottom of page 4 that I wanted to call your attention to, that I am not sure whether or not you saw...


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 7:27 am 
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Yes, thank you Coach Mel for the welcome and steering here. When I read my husband's post initially, the word "disease" did make me pause. I do think it could be leaned on as an excuse, something that happened to him - something more than himself driving the bus. I considered it previous to your calling it out, and let it go as merely a word here. I do think however he views "our issue", it's one that can be solved and nothing that has the power to take him/us over again.

To my husband: That you are in a "program" has caused me the same pausing. I think a "one day at a time" mentality is a great starting point, but believe you are past that. What I do feel you are getting from that group though is a constant reminder of WHY you are working so hard to change a lot of your auto-pilot processes. I believe it is a good routine to be in, visiting weekly, but hope you honestly don't feel that your negative habits aren't something you'll have to keep at bay for the rest of your life. That eventually that part of you will be taken over by the good, healthy stuff of our marriage and family - that's who you really are. I guess "taken over" isn't the right wording there, but more that you will be stripped down to the healthy you - and in turn, that will be beneficial to all of us.


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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 9:01 pm 
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Let's get back to it. I read through the next portion - on rebuilding trust. I've started jotting down my "top 5" for each category. Take your time, but let me know when you have yours done and we can set aside an evening to go through some of them and see if some good conversations come from it. I think we've been on the right track already in working on those husband/wife quiz books. I love the little conversations that stem from those.


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PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2016 8:14 am 
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I will "get back to it" indeed. The little quiz books are definitely fun (specially since I'm "winning"...) or is it whining?


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