Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Aug 20, 2018 8:46 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Communication Issue?
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:10 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 5:34 pm
Posts: 34
I haven't seen much recent activity on this forum (maybe I'm just misreading the dates), so I hope someone will respond.

We've just gone through the Healing Contract and are finishing up the Partnership Contract.

My question: if I suspect that he's violated a boundary but I don't have the proof (that is, whatever I present to him I know he'll simply deny and gaslight me), do I express my thoughts and fears anyway? I've been very good at talking about everything that's going on with me, and I can do it calmly and rationally. Today I had an extremely strong gut reaction but have little real proof and I'm torn between bringing it up or suppressing it as best I can (hum, that doesn't seem right!).

Thanks for any input.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Communication Issue?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
Hi Cayo,
In my opinion, you have every right to express your opinions - this is the very difficult process of rebuilding trust in our instincts. This was very difficult for me at first because addicts are pros at lying, and quite honestly, they are sometimes unaware that they are deceiving their partners. I once discovered a lie, and my husband's response was, "I did not deliberately deceive you. I think I was lying to myself." In any case, my boundary was "If my instincts and his words disagree, I will trust my instincts 100% of the time." The fact is, my husband's history of trustworthiness, at the time, was less impressive than that of my instincts. That being said... sometimes our instincts will be wrong. And that's okay. I think if our husbands are in a sincere recovery effort, they will understand the position they have put us in. And that when we trust our instincts over their words - they will say - "well, this is a consequence of my addiction." My husband was supportive through my "errors" and he wanted me to rebuild trust in my instincts. Hopefully, yours will want the same for you. If he becomes defensive... well, that's a problem with emotional immaturity. He should understand the position he's put you in, and support you through it. He owes you that, especially if you are supporting him through his recovery.

best wishes,
lmartin


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Communication Issue?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 5:34 pm
Posts: 34
Thanks for your reply, Imartin, a lot of what you say resonates with me, it's just that I'm still second-guessing my instincts (it's only been about 6 months since d-day) so I'm hesitant to "accuse" my husband of anything without having iron-clad proof. But I'm learning. Thanks again.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group