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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 8:07 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2014 11:44 pm
Posts: 2
My H and I are having a really hard time coming up with healthy consequences for violations of boundaries in the healing contracts. I'm not sure if it's because we've been dysfunctional for so long or some other factor, but we'd really like some examples of what other couples have used as consequences. The only one he came up with for me was for when I'm "snooping" to change his passwords, but that is an unhealthy consequence according to the lesson. I can't think of things that won't hurt me as well and don't want to do, ie. withholding sex/affection. If I were to say "you have X dollars in personal spending money" (for chewing tobacco, golf, etc., things he enjoys that are important to him) and fine him for violations, and use the money to do something nice for myself like a massage or a pedicure, would that be healthy? It doesn't "feel" like it, but I'm just at a loss for how to approach this.
This was something from before we started the workshop but maybe it is a good example of a consequence. Feedback is welcome. My H likes to drive somewhat recklessly sometimes, and I had told him that if he got a ticket that the money to pay it would come out of the budget for his annual weekend golf trip with a buddy of his. He got a ticket for driving 81 MPH in a 60 MPH zone 5/31/2014. Yesterday I found the ticket in the glove box while looking for something else car related. When I confronted him, he said he had planned to tell me after his trip which starts today so he could avoid that consequence. He has agreed to a modified consequence, losing $100 of his budget when the ticket is $140. Thanks in advance for any feedback.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2014 12:02 pm
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I don't know much. I got on this site because I didn't know about "Love Addiction" and codependency. I'm learning. I read your post and I'm wondering in your situation are you codependent? And at what point do you go from help/partner to caregiver/enabler. You made sure he went on his golf trip and it made you feel good because he felt good or maybe you did it to avoid an arguement? Again, I don't know, I'm learning. But when will the consequence be your leaving?


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:50 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2014 11:44 pm
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He was going regardless. The consequence was something from before we started this program. We haven't made any contracts yet. I was just wondering if that type of consequence would be considered healthy or not as there's really no example of a healthy one just a couple examples of unhealthy ones.

I'm pretty sure I've had codependent tendencies. We just started the program so I'm sure all that will come out.

Thanks for responding.


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