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PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2015 11:12 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 2:56 pm
Posts: 15
I am not sure where to post this but sure could use help and guidance from others who may have been through this.

Here is the situation that I am in right now. About 4 months ago I admitted to my wife the extent of my sex addiction which was of course a pretty big shock to her. She has stuck with me and for that I am very thankful. During that time I have been working the Workshop, although not posting my exercises in the forum but by recording them in my journal and as well working another program. Here is the issue that I am struggling with. I sometimes feel like my wife, subconsciously, at times seems to sabotage my recovery and personal growth. To give some background, my wife has been seeing a therapist to deal with her "people pleaser" issues? She started seeing the therapist at my urging a few months before I dropped my bombshell. My wife also has a history of choosing "sex addicts" and emotional immature men for relationships. She also harbors a lot of shame from her childhood and from actions that she has undertaken during our marriage. Her therapist told her that she doesn’t believe that she has any "addiction" (co-dependent) but only a compulsion. She also recommended that we not do couples therapy until we do individual treatment.

Getting back to the perceived sabotage. Here is one recent example. I have been working on my health and weight issues. 3 days ago I let it be known that I was going to start eating healthier beginning that day. That evening she proceeded to bring out a big candy bar for us to share. Now I am not good with temptation and it was like offering a Playboy to a sex addict and I took the candy. A bit later I expressed my frustration that she would do this and her response was, "well you didn’t have to eat it". It also seems when I am getting better and do well in recovery and in my emotional growth, she seems to subtly try to sabotage my growth and manipulate my emotions to get the response that she wants and to try to arrange our relationship the way she wants it (to be just like her parents relationship was (codependent mother/controlling angry dad). In reality I believe that she wants me to treat her in the ways that her daddy treated her and so she can be the mistreated little girl again. As I grow in my recovery I need to shed the need and desire to be in control of everything around me, and to be accepting and to surrender that part of me. I can only grow by shedding all these unhealthy ways I have used to run my life. In essence she married me because I am (was) a lot like her dad I (controlling/angry). Now that I am leaving that person behind, I think this change in me is subconsciously uncomfortable for my wife and without realizing it she is trying to move things back to "normal" and manipulate me back to "unhealthiness". Even though my actions as a sex addict were extremely upsetting to her.

Now as a sex addict and still emotional immature I know I have a big part in all this. For the last few months we have been very distant in our relationship. But here is what I am thinking:

1) I believe that my wife has a bigger issue to overcome than she or her therapist believe. If this is the case what is my role in helping her understand or do I need to just let her figure it out? I don’t want to be the nagging husband but I also cant by and watch the denial either.
2) When is couples therapy a good idea? I'm thinking it may be helpful to start it soon as we can't seem to do this alone.
3) If things continue this way with my relationship, how do I deal with the added issues and continue with my recovery and growth? I have some ideas but certainly need help with this. I wish to stay in and am committed to my wife and our relationship.
4) I am probably in denial about the extent of my role in our continual inability to connect and need to work on this and hear from others.

Thank so much in advance.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 2:26 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
highsteppin
I just saw this and wanted to respond but then I noticed the date. Are you still needing feedback on this?


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