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PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 6:48 am 

Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 1:30 pm
Posts: 30
This is my first post anywhere on any site of any description.

What do I do?

I discovered his "behaviours" nearly eleven years ago soon after I got into a relationship with him. I have gone from the level of discovering his excessive use of porn/masturbation, escorts, an ocean of lies and finally he lost me my job and his in on June 13th 2014 because our dream jobs were such that the discovery of his use of porn equated to instant dismissal (the policy HE put in place and requested IT monitoring of). Crazy as it may seem and I am truly hoping someone understands, I decided to stay with him believing that the events of June 13 would be the catalyst to end the madness around his addiction. He/I convinced me that this event and all that it encompassed ie loosing our home etc would be worth it because he would never lie to me again, never hurt me and would turn his life around.

Here I am today living exactly the same life I have led for the past 11 years. He has a new job, car and every opportunity to
"act out" and I am listening to the same lies, the same behaviours, the same manipulation, the same empty promises.

He says he is desperate to stay with me and so we embarked on the RN, Fake it to Make it, one more time pretending he can do this. I do genuinely think he wants to work on his recovery and that when we have sat down to the many, many recovery/counselling programmes his intentions are honourable but when he walks out of the room (these are his words) it like a different world. Everything that is spoken about, the intentions, the desire, everything is left in the room and he continues with the same destructive behaviours.

He engages me in our relationship by the promises he makes, takes the benefits of this and then fails to deliver the simplest of promises ie to work at his recovery with a genuine heart.

Do I disengage from this recovery programme if he is unable to commit?

I don't want to leave him but equally I have promised myself I will not end 2015 in the same vein that I lived the first part of it and the previous 11 years.

Any advise/words would be very much appreciated

PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 8:17 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 676
Butterflywings - I am so very, very sorry for the pain you are enduring. I am relieved you have found RN. There are so many supportive women here who know and understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

Do I disengage from this recovery programme if he is unable to commit?

I knew that I was traumatized about my marriage and my husband's behavior. (And I am in an over 30 year marriage ...). I knew I needed help and I was desperate to make decisions and did not know what to do. I needed to regain some control over my life and to get some emotional stability. I recommend doing the partners lessons here on RN. They were tremendously helpful to me. To answer your question, we must heal and embark on our own healing program no matter what our husbands do.

I also learned that I had to detach from my husband's addiction. This was easier said than done and I am much better at this than I used to be, but still have a ways go to. I had to learn, really know, that I could do nothing about my husband's recovery. Only he can recover and become healthy. Only he can have the real commitment and courage to do the work. I also had to learn that my husband's addiction had NOTHING to do with me. This takes a while. The lessons teach us to reaffirm our values and to make values based, rather than emotionally based, decisions. This will become more clear once you start the lessons. They also teach us not to trust a single word our partners say, but to trust our gut and watch their behavior and action.

This journey we are on is so challenging and takes much more time than I would like. But it is a journey we must take. For me, doing the RN lessons, reading and posting on the partners forum, and finding an individual therapist who specializes in trauma, is helping me to heal. I'm not there yet but I am getting better.

I have learned to be gentle with myself. I have learned not to pressure myself into making decisions. None of us ever thought we would have to go through this kind of trauma, but it is a helpless reality. We can heal.

With compassion,

PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 1:21 pm 

Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
Butterfly wings,
I just wanted to second what dnell wrote. The RN site is a wonderful place, and brilliantly designed to help partners heal, regardless of what the addict is doing. And in a situation where two partners are trying to work it out, there are exercises that will guide you through the process of determining your values, how to protect them, how to set boundaries, etc. I am incredibly grateful that I put in the hard work I did here. It enabled me to speak my expectations to my husband and protect myself from his poor decisions. It enabled me to be the healthy example. And the skills I learned here, I use not just in my relationship with my spouse, but with my children, friends, neighbors, at work. I created a life vision through the RN website, and I am seeing it come to reality. I encourage you to stick with it.
Best wishes!

PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2015 1:18 am 

Joined: Tue May 12, 2015 5:57 pm
Posts: 51
butterflywings wrote:
Everything that is spoken about, the intentions, the desire, everything is left in the room and he continues with the same destructive behaviours.

Actions speak louder than words.

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