Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:47 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Forum locked This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 43 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3
Author Message
 Post subject: counseling
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:23 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:28 pm
Posts: 3
Hi Dr. Steffens! So nice to be able to participate in a forum with you!

I've had wonderful experiences with counseling, thankfully! :g:

However, in a support group setting the certified facilitator suggested that my husband did what he did because there was probably a lack of s*x in the marriage!!!!!!!!!!! Then he told another woman that all she had to do was go shopping at Victoria's Secret and "wow" her man when he got home from work!!!!!!!!!!!

I have my first meeting with my husband's counselor this week. I'm nervous about how that will go and what he will say. Hopefully, I won't have any horror stories to tell about it!

Blessings to you!

Emilie


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 2:07 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 25
foolmetwice wrote:
Quote:
What I'm saying is I think what you are saying- each partner's needs are unique and it takes assessing the specific needs of each partner, and then designing a recovery path based on her needs. For one, it may mean spending a lot of time on childhood and FoO, and for others it will focus solely on the here-and-now trauma recovery.


Dr Steffens, I'm so relieved to hear you say that! I think a lot of the problems in terms of getting help as a partner come from the professionals not treating each partner as an individual in this regard, but applying a 'one-size-fits-all' approach. I exhausted myself trying to 'persuade' my therapist to deal with the 'here-and now', but she literally would not believe me that I had a very nice, undramatic, healthy FoO from whom I got nothing but love and care. For example, I am 34 and my mom just sent me socks through international post because 'it makes me feel good to take care of you.' My father cried during his speech at my wedding. These people are not the explanation of why I wound up with a PA. But I do understand that for many, their FoO and childhood background needs to be examined, processed and understood in order for them to move forward in relationships now. That is why it is so comforting to have a professional acknowledge that this needs to be an individualized process.':g:


Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I simply do not believe that I am in this situation because my FoO was defective in some way. It's more of the same "blame the victim" mentality. I am neither a codependent nor someone who comes from a dysfunctional family and who therefore chose someone who ultimately had this problem. There is no "one size fits all." What a simplistic viewpoint! I do believe that his FoO played into the problem, but only insofar as learning that denial was okay and that passive aggression was an effective and acceptable way of handling things. (Or more accurately, I guess, NOT handling them.) He was certainly loved and knew it; his family was not cold, withholding, or abusive. On the other hand, when I read others' horrific stories of their childhoods, I realize how very, very lucky both H and I were to be raised by strong, loving families. An approach for US would need to consider those realities, whereas an approach for someone who was abused as a child would need to be entirely different. How could a one-size-fits-all approach possibly work in both situations?

I too would like to thank you for validating my experience and so many others'. It's interesting, but H used the term "trauma" to describe our experience before either of us had ever read your book or even known about it. So why is the trauma explanation so difficult for so many professionals to see, when a former SA can see it just a few months into recovery? I have never attempted to find a therapist because I've read too many stories about being labeled a co-dependent, and I am not about to subject myself to the renewed trauma such a label would cause me. It's not even remotely true.

I'd like to add that the tendency to paint with a broad brush doesn't just apply to SA. H is finishing reading Overcoming Passive-Aggression, which basically says that all passive aggression is a result of unresolved anger. Although I think anger is certainly a part of it, I think that there's much more to it. Anger isn't the only emotion being unresolved, and a lot of it is just plain refusing to communicate, or falling back on denial as a coping strategy rather than communicating. H expressed it pretty well yesterday when he told me that while sublimating emotions may be useful in some situations, in a relationship it's like playing "whack-a-mole." If they aren't expressed honestly, they're going to come out in another way anyway. Others online say that they think passive aggression was a big part of their SA's problem. So I would like to see a lot of space devoted to exploring how to identify passive aggression and KILL IT DEAD!!!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: identifying PTSD
PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 4:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 04, 2010 6:53 pm
Posts: 1
I believe several excercises and interventions would be a helpful addition to Partners of SA workbook:
1. recognition of the cycles of abusive dysfunction(denial.distortions ,deception ,shifting of blame & shame & personal responsibility for change)
2.role of triggers in ptsd response
3.Identifying triggers
4.Identifying typical responses to triggers
5.Re-learning positive responses vs. negative responses to triggers
6.Managing self-isolating coping mechanisms
7. Pre-planning of healing matrix's
8. PTSD responses post cousneling or intensives
9. Acceptance of new realities
10. the children of SA traumatic responses
Jon marsh format of workshops was so helpful to me . I like many never felt I fit into the co-dependency model and at many junctions was truamaized by counselors and such because of it. My 1st PTSD flashback occured (occures) in response to a particular counsel at an 2 weeks intensive where my values were assualted with triggering word. Now I recognize the pattern and it helps at times to abort my reacton.
Please continue your efforts . I agree that the counslor community would be better served with a book and training as I have heard so many in defensivable stories of emotional abuses secondary to poor counselor training and awareness


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 7:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 20, 2010 4:31 pm
Posts: 7
The thing that infuriates me is that there is all kinds of support for addicts (6 different SAA meeting in our area) but very little support for those who are devastated by their behavior (only 1 COSA meeting that took 2 phone messages and an email to find - and the meeting consists of 2 people and no sponsors - had to go online)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 9:07 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:26 pm
Posts: 285
Hi Doc. Wow - I didn't know you were here. I've been away for a while. After Jon's death, Iand with developments here, I have been doing my work elsewhere. I miss him - we had many email and personal conversations - I treasure his writing and feel lucky to have worked with you both.

What a great partnership this is for you and this community. Haven't seen you in quite a while in the real world - many new developments here.

I wonder if you've done any research in DID (MPD) and SA. Not sure if I've spoken with you since my H's diagnoses last fall. Now that we know that my H has 7 personalities, everything has fallen into place. I know - it's amazing. Many people don't believe in it, including therapists, but I live with it and believeme, it is very very real.

The way in which I came to the SA community and immersed myself in learning about SA with Jon and your help, leading to the discovery of the DID makes me sure that many addicts have this disorder. I think - no I KNOW looking into this would be fascinating and helpful to many many people - addicts and support people alike. I could go on and on but I'll spare you ;)

Unfortunately, as hard as it is to get support and understanding and help for a partner of a sex addict, you can imagine the difficulty in finding the same for spouses of multiples, many (most?) of whom are dealing with addicts as other alters. Alters are usually created from trauma - abuse. My H has uncovered brutal and ongoing early childhood abuse. It created a high functioning system of many intelligent sexual deviants. -Nope, you just couldn't make this "stuff" up ;)

Anyway - I'm happy to see you here. I hope you know who I am (in real life.) I believe I posted here about you many times years ago with links and turned this community on to your work. Jon knew of you too. Just to remind you, here's a link to my healing thread.
http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... .php?t=543

Take care and thank you


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: DID
PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2010 7:44 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:16 am
Posts: 15
Hi!! Good to "hear" from you.
I have not done any work on DID and partners. I'm not sure if anyone is even researching it in conjunction with SA. If SA is formed out of early trauma (for many SA's) it makes sense some would also develop DID. I am going to check around a bit to see if someone is researching that in context of SA. I know no one will be addressing that for the partner...closest thing would be supports for those who are married to childhood sex abuse survivors. If you email me, I can give you some ideas there.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 2:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 6:18 pm
Posts: 90
hello, don't know if the forum is still open but the most valuable thing for me would be exercises that help me to stop thinking about this all the time. it has taken up all of the "white space" between my other thoughts. it is like having that annoying song stuck in your head and not being able to get rid of it. EVER. it's keeping me from being present, experiencing life, focussing on me in the here and now, planning for the future. it's a real drag, it drains my energy and i find that it gets worse if i am under stress. please help!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Hello Dr. Barb
PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:10 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:29 am
Posts: 241
I am so excited to see you on this sight! I sent you an email over a yr. ago, in regards of finding a therapist that could help me ( Partner) it was like finding a needle in a haystack. You are 3 hrs away from me, and at the time I was so desperate to find help with a face to face therapist that could sit with me for an hour to not tell me I was crazy, which is one of my biggest Triggers since I was told I was Crazy for 15 yrs, and the other Trigger is JUST GET OVER IT WHY DONT YOU. Anyway, you emailed me back and sent me back to RN where I had been already, so now to see the both together is a relief in itself. I am so glad you are here!!

My biggest set back with all of this healing and recovery is to find out how Narcissistic my RSAH ( I think) is. The Narcissism bothers me so much more than all the Acts he could preform, I plan to start your workbook, and keep up working on myself. I started face to face again, and told him of the horrible thing my other therapist told me that set me back, and he was horrified that a counsel could even think that way let alone speak it, so hopefully I found the right person.

So Thankful for you on RN, Iswear


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:25 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:34 am
Posts: 276
Dr. Steffens,

I am finally reading your book on Kindle. Not sure if you are still answering on this forum. If you are, I have some questions.

I have been diagnosed with PSTD, there were multiple betrayals, emotional and sexual, that I am grappling with. I haven't made much of the diagnosis until this week, where there was a small doscovey, maybe more minor than the rest, and deception all the same.

It has hit me harder, for some reason,, so I now really know that I can't go on like this, for my sake. My life is wasting away.

Thing is, I think I was having symptoms of this before The original DDay. Can PSTD happen from a series of suspicions, before any monumental disclosure? Where, exactly, does it come from with SA? Doesn't someone with addiction issues have it to some degree? Is dissociation part of addiction?

Fascinating.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:20 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:15 pm
Posts: 12
I have not read your book but I will try and get hold of it. I only just discovered this site and am already feeling so grateful for its existance in support and understanding for partners. I discovered my boyfriend had acted out on porn fantasies and met with numerous women for sex/intimate encounters... The shock and pain of all my discoveries almost made me lose the will to live. I have carried on with the relationship since he has showed such remorse and does not want to be the person he had become. Friends and family have nothing but dislike and disrespect for him and I feel I am losing their respect too for staying with him, I have felt like there must be something wrong with me for not walking away. I sought councelling through my doctors surgery and was asked by the psychologist ' why are you putting up with crap?'... So far nobody has understood that I love this man despite the sexual betrayal and hurt I want to believe that he can be who I thought he was and allow the better qualities of his character to win through. But it also seems overwhelming at times to forgive what has happened .


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:21 am
Posts: 72
Food for thought from a Christian perspective. I think the "church" has said and done some very damaging things concerning sexual relations between men and women.
One of the more damaging scriptures used is from 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 where it states that "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does...and then most people leave off the second half of the verse that states "likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Or how about Ephesians 5:22-24 where wives should "submit to your husbands" but then verse 25 is left out of the equation about "husbands loving your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it to belong to God". If these scriptures mean mutual affection, intimacy and sex shared as a special gift between two people well then that sounds right on track. However, how many times has a counselor told a wife that she should be more open, go with the flow, and basically let her husband do whatever he pleases in an effort to make the marriage work. My guess is way too many times! Inside so many of us, our broken boundaries are screaming at us and we feel powerless to take action. Maybe due to the very scriptures we've been taught? Maybe for fear that a failed marriage would be blamed on us, because we weren't submissive enough and didn't satisfy our husband's every need.
A ridiculous paragraph from The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace says this "The word satisfy means to be satiated. In other words, the husband is so satisfied with her love that no one else would even get a second glance from him. It would be like eating and eating and eating until you were stuffed. If someone then offered you your favorite dessert, you would not even be tempted. Likewise, the husband is to be satiated, with his wife's love. Her scripture reference is from Proverbs 5:18-19
This woman is obviously delusional to think that a man with a sexual addiction (and maybe even one without) could ever be out sexed! I mean seriously, how many of you go ahead and have the piece of pie, cake, candy whatever even if you're stuffed. What a load of junk!
I can't tell you how many articles I've read or persons I've heard speak say that even if I didn't feel like having sex, I should do it for my husband so he wouldn't feel the need to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I did this faithfully and it still didn't change the outcome.
I've been told that men and women are just wired differently and because men are more visual then looking at porn is well...something they just do.

After my husband lost his first job we sought counsel with a couple that was very close to us, we admired them and they had great faith and biblical teaching. Their advice...I was told to just forgive my H and let it go, just don't bring it up anymore. I have forgiven them now but I still think to this day if they had looked at my husband and said "You need to get some help and get your act together and by the way-pornography, is at it's very core for a Christian, adultery" what might have happened? Instead, I'm was also suggested to spice things up a bit and maybe we should even view some pornography together.

I would also agree with the individuals who posted earlier that they went into counseling as strong confident women, mothers, wives and found out they were all messed up and co-dependent. I can attest that after many COSA mtgs I still wondered what I was doing there?

I can say that until I found out what Coach Jon taught about health based recovery, I thought that the remainder of my married life would run a never ending cycle of 30, 60, maybe 90 days of sobriety on my husbands part and then a slip (or two or more) and then he'd get back on the wagon. For some people the SAA or SLAA program works, if they work it, but I think statistically ( correct me if I'm wrong Dr. Steffens) for most, it's just a revolving door.
That being said, I would really like to know what Dr. Steffens thinks about labeling a person struggling with any addiction.
Christian or not, the gamut of bad advice out there for sex addicts and their spouses seems quite daunting. I'm thankful for RN and the men and women who are helping themselves and others one post at a time. :g:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Way to go Stormy
PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:10 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:29 am
Posts: 241
I have not been on RN for a while, for I have been going to a Christian Based Serenity Group, which I have incorporated RN. I totally agree in all that you speak of in your post. I couldn't have said it better my self!!! I believe that you have been blessed with Grace. I found a website to help with alot of right and wrong beliefs of the Bible based guide to us on this journey to health, and I hope I don't get in trouble by sharing it on RN. I am apologizing now if I did something wrong. The site is gotquesions.org. I often go to it to type in questions that never felt right to me as I grew up as an Italian Catholic, that had to bow down to men, no matter how they acted and I was taught that it was sin if you did not instantly gratify them, what a shame, but I love the fact that it is never to late to receive the feeling of being loveable and worthy to my self.

Thank you, Love and Peace, Iswear

PS. If you go to that web site type in What are the roles for a husband and a wife?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Way to go Stormy
PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:29 am
Posts: 241
I typed the website wrong. it is gotquestions.org


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Forum locked This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 43 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group