Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Oct 20, 2019 4:16 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 4:21 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:52 pm
Posts: 4
Partner's Values
1. I value my wife.
2. I value our relationship.
3. I value my sobriety.
4. I value my family.
5. I value my health.

What I Will do to Protect and Reinforce My Values
1. To the best of my ability I will protect you from any more of the behaviors through which I brought so much pain into her life and provide a safe place for you to heal from the damage I have caused.

2. I will work to bring the intimacy back into our relationship by being more pro-active in working through programs and literature designed to affect healing. I will maintain my sobriety and avoid all bottom-line behaviors that caused the damage in the first place. I will be more aware of the kinds of language and behaviors that occur in our interactions. These include guarding against frustration, and learned helplessness.

3. I will attend meetings and engage in individual therapy. I will not engage in the isolating bottom-line behaviors of addiction in reaction to the frustration, anger, and despair that I felt when you express your feelings. I will do more to participate actively in my recovery community by becoming more involved in service to others in the form of assuming more responsibility and engaging in outreach to others in the community.

4. I will be a presence in the lives of the members of my family.

5. I will attempt to maintain a healthier diet and weight.


Threats to Maintaining My Values (Value Conflicts)
1. I am the biggest threat to your well-being. The occurrence of old addictive behaviors and communication patterns threaten your recovery. You are the second biggest threat. Your expectation that I can somehow fix you is unrealistic. Your reluctance to engage in personal recovery regardless of the coupleship threatens your long-term well-being.

2. My reluctance to engage in and sustain an interest in healing activities with you is a threat to our relationship.

3. My inner conflict in reaction to your pain is a threat to my sobriety.

4. My isolating, addictive behavior is a threat to my family.

5. My isolating, addictive behavior is a threat to my health.


Elsie's piece
Values in red
There should be honesty in relationships. I will not tolerate it if he cheats again.

It is wrong to treat people with distain. People should be treated with respect.
Total selfishness is wrong. Although some selfishness is warranted, it is important do things in life that consider others feelings.
Promises should be kept. If you say you are going to do something, do it.

Make your partner your priority.
Protect your family.


II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
LYING AND CHEATING IN ANY AREA
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
IRRATIC BEHAVIOR AND RAGING
Learned helplessness
Ranting and running his mouth when angry and shutting me out
Refusing to work on “us” issues and exercises because of lame excuses.
Returning to old behaviors of deflecting, blame shifting and yelling because he knows he can bully me.
Threatening to leave the relationship when he doesn’t get his way.
Bringing up my errors of 29+ years ago, which I long ago corrected and haven’t repeated to justify his unacceptable behaviors now,
If he is still not telling me something about his addiction behavior, or if he is approached in any way by a whore in any way or shape, and if I am not immediately notified of the, with no erasures of texts or phone info, that is a serious problem,
What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
SECRECY AND DEFENSIVENESS
See the behaviors above
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
CONTINUED STEP WORK AND PATIENCE, LISTENING SKILLS AND UNDERSTANDING


He needs to stop blaming me for everything, I have needs that aren’t’ being met, If he doesn’t want to work on them, then he should be honest about it, recognizing of course that it means that I can’t heal. But that Is his choice. At this point, with the level of hostility I came home to, it’s obvious that he felt he was forced to do this. Let make this very clear,

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ANY ONE WHO ISN’T HAPPY TO BE WITH ME AND WILLING TO WORK HARD TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
Let me repeat that,

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ANY ONE WHO ISN’T HAPPY TO BE WITH ME AND WILLING TO WORK HARD TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

Unfortunately, I have been well and truly damaged, I am not the kind, understanding person I once was, I am suspicious, skeptical, I look at people through the eyes of a victim not as the survivor I once was, People will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want and don’t care one little bit about me,

III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior--should it be observed. Be careful here. Ideally, you will be completing this task with an objective eye and with your values guiding your thoughts. The worst possible contract is one that is based on overwhelmed emotions where all consequences are extreme and all behaviors rigid. Think rationally. Think objectively. For example, if your consequence for catching him in a lie about leaving the toilet seat up is to immediately end the relationship, the contract will not be effective


My go to consequence is to shut down, It may not change the behavior but it protects me, At this point I have to think about me because I am all I have and all I have had for just about all my life with the exception of a few Wonderful years. But I can’t count on that ever happening again. So if my boundaries are insulted I’ll do that, I’ll shut down, leave the common spaces, be civil but detached, I NEED to do this in order not to be destroyed, I truly doubt if the level of my trauma is understood. I think there is a kind of blockage there, You either don’t WABT to see the horrible mental state I’m in, or cannot conceive of it because I can act normally much of the time, or maybe you just aren’t capable of that kind of reasoning since your bipolar NPD personality won’t get you that far out of your own head

So that is my response to exercise 3. I guess you think exercise 2 is futile,

You have control of the transmitter, just like you’ve always had control of the so-called marriage,


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group