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PostPosted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:18 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
bumping once again. hope it helps some of our newer sisters.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 4:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 21, 2009 10:10 am
Posts: 235
I would suggest you ask how the therapist defines sa/pa. I found this out the hard way!!
Good luck to you


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:06 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
bumping again. maybe it will help some of our newer members.
fyi - our first therapist was a complete disaster. i kept telling myself to hang in there. sigh. if my brain hadn't been switched off by this trauma, i probably would have left much much sooner. instead i hung in there causing myself even more pain. i firmly believe that whatever chance i had of seeing my p face himself was destroyed by counselor #1. she was the one enabling him to avoid facing himself and me. as it turns out, she was accepting all his blameshifting, projection, etc. as reality and i was the sick one. sigh. by the time we got to counselor #2 his walls had not only been rebuilt but reinforced many times over. counselor #2 is a blessing. i still see her.
bless you all my dears. if your counselor is doing damage, run like hell. you will save yourself much pain by doing so. your marriage may not make it with out counseling but damaging counseling won't save it either.
sigh.
you are all in my heart.

ps. any counselor who thinks this is solved in 6 weeks needs to go back to school.

pps add any questions you think appropriate.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:10 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
bumping for shannon.

if i were interviewing a therapist today, i would place even more emphasis on discovering the therapists' thoughts concerning the trauma reactions and healing of the partner.

anyone else have any questions we should add?


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:58 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:19 pm
Posts: 26
Location: Canada
Oh thank you thank you. I wish I had asked before going into the last meeting - this would have been so enlightening. I won't be going into any future sessions without being armed with these questions.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 2:39 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm
Posts: 672
Bumping up this Beauty! :w:

_________________
Shine On


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:12 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
bump


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 2:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:02 pm
Posts: 420
Points that really gelled with me from this thread:

How could I be co-dep of something I didn't know was going on?

EXACTLY. Spot on. Spouses need validation and trauma support, THEN they can start going back to address whatever gaps they might discover in their boundaries (which is likely, but not the reason they are with an SA!).

Damage control - if the therapist's advice makes you feel less hope for yourself (not necessarily the partnership, but yourself), instead of more, they are likely not the one for you. As in - "this thing that makes you feel miserable and awful isn't a real problem," or "He's right; you're wrong." It is absurd how often a therapist will go from blaming you for being co-dependent to telling you to accommodate behaviors that violate your values. "This all happened because you're co-dependent - but you need to accept his future violations because he's just being a man."

My h's counselor suggested after 3 visits that he didn't need any more help and I needed to spend some time studying Biblical forgiveness because my anger was unreasonable. And he wasn't a Christian counselor even! His validation of my h's skewed thinking only put me at a further disadvantage to be heard and considered by my husband.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:18 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Some partners, especially if it's their first D-day or the entire idea of betrayal is new to them, are going to desperately (and understandably!) want validation, and they'll go into therapy with the idea they'll receive it there.

It's important to remember that therapists are human, too, and they inject their own personal values, philosophy and morals into their work. The fact they've been trained in counseling doesn't necessarily mean they're talented or adept at what they do. We need to begin looking at it like any other profession: plumbers, personal trainers, accountants. Some are good, some aren't, and credentials + schooling alone do not a skilled counselor make.

If I were to go into therapy about my marital issues and the SA in my life, I would be inclined to initially email the therapist with these questions:

1. do you have experience in working with partners of sexually addicted people?
2. what are your personal views on pornography and how do they get woven into your work?

If the initial email is met with satisfactory answers, I might schedule (if possible) a free phone call or in person short session to further ask:

1. What are your views on intimacy disorders and the role of media in allowing people to avoid intimacy?
2. Do you believe frequent sole/private/HIDDEN sexual fantasy by one partner has a valuable 'role' in a marriage, and to what extent?
3. Are you more concerned with me addressing perceived low self esteem issues or with helping me live a values-based life?
4. Do you think it's healthy for a man in a marriage to continually avoid sex, even BEFORE the marriage, and choose porn and other outlets instead? Is it your inclination to blame a problem in the marriage or to see the man as having issues that go beyond the marriage?

All this will, of course, sound like I'm asking the therapist to tell me what I want to hear, and nothing more, so I would make it clear to him/her that I'm willing to be pushed and to grow, but that I'm coming to that person with a strong values system in tact and have clear expectations on what entails intimacy, open communication and sexual sharing within a marriage.

Unfortunately, just as we see an increasingly 'open' society in regards to attitudes around things like blatant sexuality, 'boys will be boys', etc, those same beliefs are held by many in the counseling community, so it's critical to get an idea of your counselor's value system and how that applies to his/her work.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 11:14 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 7:32 pm
Posts: 44
Yes exactly great post meepmeep. I currently and getting trained as a personal coach but also in addictions and relationships as well as will be getting training from Barbara Steffens in the partner trauma model and am also doing courses that deal with emotional intimacy, sex in general and also addictions and mental illness and how they work together. I also have a lot of experience just be being a wife of a sex addict for many many years. It has been very hard for me to find help so decided to use my experience and knowledge to help others. I think once this issue gets more out in the open which it is slowly doing then gradually more qualified help with be available too. I am with you when you said that credentials and school alone do not make the counselor. Lots of people can get a phd and be book smart but fall short in other areas. That dosent always make them better or more qualified. I think your questions were awesome by the way!!!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 8:45 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
bumping. perhaps this is the post you were looking for?


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2016 7:16 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:21 pm
Posts: 166
Ah, yes, that is it! Thanks, DM. Hope all is well with you.

Taffy


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