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PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2015 3:30 am 
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Lesson 1:
Letter ~ Complete
Lesson 2
Doing tonight. (Read Lesson 3 action by Wednesday)


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:44 pm 
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Lesson 2
Caring for my partner ~ We did this lesson last night. It was a wonderful experience. We agreed on a time and I had prepared supper. I suggested reading The Alchemist as we both have read this book and thoroughly enjoyed it. Reading brought back awesome memories of how we used to read to each other. Balancing reading with ensuring my partner had a sip of wine every now and again, reminded me of the importance of care and focusing fully on your partner. Supper was severed and was nervous at first then got into fully so much so that my partner insisted I ate some too rather than fully feed her first. It was great fun and relaxing. I then gave her a foot massage as we both did not feel comfortable about the bath thing. We had some very deep conversation which was great. I then spent some time brushing her hair. Something I have never done. It was incredible. Lastly I brushed her teeth, again something I have never done. A true gift to be so close and intimate. I really enjoyed the exercise despite being nervous of doing it. It showed me how much I truly do care, respect her and want this to work.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2015 1:02 am 
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Lesson 2 - caring evening
This was a good exercise. A1 and I were both a bit nervous. A1 read from The Alchemist which was really wonderful, it’s such a great story! It reminded me of how we used to read to each other in the beginning of the relationship. It also felt nice to slow down and not just be on iPads/internet all the time - just stop and be still. It will be great to continue reading the story, and it’s a very relevant story to this process too. Dinner was tasty. A1 fed it to me, and it really gave me huge empathy for people who are not able to do these things (that we take for granted) for themselves. It was frustrating not to eat at the rate I wanted to eat at, but A1 was extremely attentive through the whole thing. It did feel weird though. A1 then cleaned the kitchen and afterwards massaged my feet. This was something he often used to do, especially early in the relationship. It was really nice and gave something to focus on which allowed us to talk and ramble down memory lane. We talked about lots of things during this time. After that he brushed my hair. This felt very intimate, but more like family intimate which was a very loving feeling. It made me think of my mom and how our family showed each other such love by regularly doing these things. It also made me realise that A1 had never brushed my hair. It was very relaxing and a nice opportunity to keep talking. I felt extremely relaxed by the end of the evening. I truly appreciated all the effort that A1 put into the evening. One note - not wanting to put a damper on things, but making sure that I also face the hard stuff: A1 is often very caring like this, cooks dinner, looks after the house etc - so I sometimes just couldn’t shake the thought that how is this different to how things were when he was deceiving me and doing things behind my back? Yes we felt more connected and he felt very present. But I guess it’s part of the healing process to figure out how to just live in the moment and not analyse the past. Not to think well he was always like this and yet he still cheated on me, so how can I trust that the same thing is not happening now/going to happen again to me?

Again I don’t want to minimise the great effort that A1 went to - it was huge. I just need to be honest about the thoughts that were also in my head.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2015 4:00 am 
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Lesson 3 - Values and Boundaries (A1)
This felt very weird to do but fully accept that the graverty of the addiction and the accountability I have to be held against. It felt good because i feel I need to be "hard" or "real " with myself to get the change in my life I so desperately want.

Values And Boundaries

Pornography:
No Pornography in the house / or on any devices at any time
Consequences:
* Asked to leave the house or
* End of the relationship

Lying, not being proactive in telling truth:
I must report any activity that is against the values or related to the addiction to partner within 24 hours this includes failure to be proactive and honest in advising of temptations or incidents
Consequences:
* Extend staying in the spare room by one week
* Asked to leave the house or
* End of the relationship

Recovery Work:
Not completing or initiating and recovery work
Consequences:
* Must complete the work and catch up the work
* Failure to not initiate a session will result in an extra week in the spare room
* Asked to leave the house or
* End of the relationship

Rebuilding Trust:
Take the time to ask questions and refrain from making assumptions. No childlike responses (sulking, quiet etc)
Consequences:
* Take a timeout of 30min and initiate a reconvene
* Reschedule the session and initiate
* Failure to not initiate a session will result in an extra week in the spare room
* Asked to leave the house

Objectifying women not showing respect to partner my partner:
Immediate termination of objectifying women, sexual innuendos and will show respect to partner
Consequences:
* Verbal warning
* Asked to leave the house or
* End of the relationship

Idol use of time
Not wasting time on Facebook, texts etc or non important tasks like recovery
Consequences:
* Verbal warning
* Ban of phone, iPad in house for a week


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2015 11:13 pm 
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Lesson 3

My values
1. honesty, integrity, sincerity - no lies, taking responsibility for actions. No lies by omission either. Consequence for lying - if owned up to within 24 hours = a need to discuss why the person lied, and a decision made on what the consequences are if it happens again or frequently. If lying involves sexual infidelity of any nature (online, sexual discussion, affair) - if owned up to within 24 hours = move out for 1 month. If not owned up to and discovered = end of relationship.
2. family - looking after family and making time for them. Consequences: If A1 does not spend time conversing with family, I will wonder about his recovery progress and be more watchful of other behaviours, as this may be a symptom of other issues.
3. respect - listening to other people and not judging them, taking what someone says as their own opinion that is respected even if it is not agreed with. Consequences - if I am disrespected in any way, I will discuss it and determine what it means. If I am disrespected in terms of sexual infidelity, same consequences apply as for lying.
4. health - looking after physical and mental health, taking responsibility for eating well, exercising and for what is allowed into the mind. Consequences - if drinking gets too heavy (e.g. 1 bottle of wine every night) I will discuss this. If this continues, A1 will be asked to move out.
5. personal development - responsibility for a life of continued self growth, no excuses or pure reliance on others for this growth. Consequences - if one recovery exercise per week is not completed, I will determine why. If this continues, A1 will be asked to move out until RN work is re-started, and then determine when to move back in.
6. friendship - making time and effort with friends. Consequences - if A1 has issues with me meeting other friends (female) then I will discuss this. If this continues, I will be concerned about his recovery and be aware of other areas that might have more serious consequences. If he withdraws from our good ‘friends of the relationship’ I will be on hyper alert.
7. economic security - taking responsibility for own finances and financial future. Consequences - needless spending on expensive items will be discussed. If it occurs on a regular basis, A1 will be asked to move out.
8. love - being loving towards oneself and others
9. spirituality - ensuring that a life of meaning is pursued in whichever way it represents meaning
10. self-respect - pride in what you do, no matter who is watching or not watching. Consequences - same as lying if that is what it involves.
11. responsibility - taking ownership of one’s life and not expecting others to give you your next big break, taking ownership of actions and their consequences, considering the consequences before acting, being watchful and mindful of where one’s life is going. Consequences - same as for personal development.
12. adventure - looking for fun activities and enjoyment in life in the little ways, and the big ways.

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?

Sexual infidelity of any kind - sexting, use of porn, sexual conversations or emotional attachments to women, physical affairs. Also, no progress on RN would be unaccepatble, as would heavy drinking and bad spending behaviours.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
Heavy drinking, very tired, irritable, not present.

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
Heavy drinking, porn use, sexualised conversations with others, objectification of women, loss of respect for me.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
Lessened drinking, going to bed at a reasonable hour, no infidelity, respectable conversations no matter who is or isn’t listening.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:24 am 
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Lesson 5 ~ Effective Communication

I was very nervous to do this lesson. Once we got going I was surprised how awesome it was. I will add that on Situation 3 that we worked out that I would also rely on my other mentors and helpers. I was agreed that in order to progress that I should write the urges on paper in order to express and bring to light these urges.

I believe that this would be a lesson to refer back to a number of times because it is so important and powerful. I also believe that this is my biggest weakness at the moment.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:50 pm 
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Lesson 6 - Intimacy Activity, Hiden Meanings

I have found two messages: one in my tooth brush and the other in my coffee container.
I think P has found 3 so far. It was really loving and caring to get my notes, will keep looking.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:52 pm 
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Lesson 7 & 8
I found these two sessions exceptionally hard. It was as if they had my name all over it.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:53 pm 
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Lesson 9
I feel the shame and guilt described as the SA, I also felt the anger, the mistrust the hurt from P as she related the story as to our situation. I felt urges during the exercise to try and explain myself, my actions then I remembered to just listen. The listening made me realise how much damage I have done to P.
The story was hard hitting and added the perspective I need hear as well as grasp to what I have actually done. I feel like I am in jail reaching out. In my immature way at the moment I would see no reason for P to take me back and give me a second chance. This unsettles me but that is what I feel.

I am trying really hard to stop being so self centred and this lesson has started to make me very aware of what I am doing. I have a way to go to change this but I will get there.

We discussed after the exercise some other areas that have bothered me. The fact that she has felt more pressure and anxiety since I have moved back home. It was good to explore what the reasons might be and we agreed it may be subconscious anger, fear that I am back in the environment.
I still feel unsafe and unsure but that too is natural. We are both agreed to trust the process


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:46 pm 
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Lesson 10

I found this hard to answer because as the SA I am also learning of the types of sexual/love addictions and this exercise was almost a fantasy, yet I was very jealous. I would need disclosure of the facts, but not all the details.
I would expect all contact/activities to cease. I would expect that there is a 100% commitment to the recovery process.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:56 pm 
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Lesson 11

I found this lesson really hard especially the exercise.
Some of the categories were just too hard to answer, because of the pain I have caused. When P related some of her answers my heart really ached. I felt a sense of loss and indifference during and post the exercise.
I truly see how much damage this has caused my partner and after we had finished I said to her how terribly sorry I am for the pain, grief, vulnerability, insecurity etc I have caused her.
We did this exercise verbally and not written.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2015 5:54 pm 
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Lesson 12
We read the lesson together and then had a long talk about the workshop and our progress. It was decided to terminate the relationship.
I have found the workshop the most amazing tool to date. As I know that the workshop was no guarantee to a "renewed" relationship, it is still hard.
I feel unsure and emotional at the moment. I will be continuing my personal recovery.
Thank you for everything todate.

I wish my partner all the best for her life and hope that at the very least we can remain friends.


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