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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:59 am 
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Getting started (09.23.15).


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:11 am 
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09.24.15 Couple's Self-Help Workshop: Orientation, Exercise One

On Thursday I wrote the letter to my wife explaining what I have done. It was emotional for me to put it all on paper. It made everything more real somehow. Even more real than when I told her directly. I will burn it on Sunday.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:16 am 
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Couple's Self-Help Workshop: Orientation, Exercise One

When I first read what the exercise was my stomach dropped. The fact that I was not allowed to read the letter made my stomach churn. I would like to believe Ready4Chng has told me everything by this point and there would not be anything new in the letter that I have not already heard. I have not looked for the letter and won't. I am trusting in the program. I am ready for Sunday to get here so it can be destroyed.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:24 am 
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09.25.15 Introduction, Exercise Two, Intimacy Activity: Caring

I anticipated that this activity would be very awkward. Some of it was. I found that I probably resist letting Ready4Chng really care for me in everyday life. I do appreciate the time, thought, and energy he put into this activity. It was really nice that he really put focus on me and anticipated what I needed at any given moment. I think it is something that has been lost along the way, so it felt really good that he took the time. So much of it made us both laugh and it felt so good to giggle together so carefree.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:40 am 
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09.25.15 Introduction, Exercise Two, Intimacy Activity: Caring

I was excited to do this activity. It has been so long since I really cared for my wife. I care deeply for her internally, but I mean showing her how much I care on the outside. I knew she would be apprehensive. I'm sure it took a lot of trust for her to let me do things for her. She is a very strong woman, and not at all reliant on others for help. It is not every day that you let someone else feed you or brush your teeth. I really appreciated that she allowed me to care for her.

I felt very close to her throughout the whole evening. After I brushed her hair I rubbed her shoulders. It was nice to be this close. I realized that when I am engaged in some activity, I lose focus on others. She is always my wife. 100% of the time. Even when I'm trying to accomplish something else. I still want her to know how much I care all the time. I will work on this part of us from now on.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:09 pm 
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09.26.15 Healing Contracts, Exercise Three

Values:
1. Honesty/Integrity
2. Respect
3. Faithfulness/Fidelity
4. Trust
5. Family
6. Love
7. Kindness
8. Health
9. Communication
10. Intimacy

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
-viewing any pornography including gray material
-lying in any form including half truths and omission
-masturbation
-manipulation
-not actively participating in the RN program
-viewing/using internet on devices other than work laptop/phone and viewing sites other than the approved ones we have discussed
-ignoring or putting children in danger
-affair (emotional or physical)

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
-taking me for granted
-not being invested in family life
-not actively participating in RN program without reminder
-moodiness/defensiveness
-neglecting responsibilities

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
-lying
-manipulation
-moodiness
-being distant
-viewing/using internet on devices other than work laptop/phone and viewing sites other than the approved ones we have discussed
-disinterested in giving/receiving sexual/intimate contact

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
-being engaged/invested in kids
-invested and actively participating in RN program
-communicating openly
-patience with kids
-wanting intimacy and/or sex
-addressing stress in a healthy way
-being 100% honest, 100% transparent, 100% of the time

Appropriate response that you will take for each behavior.

behavior: viewing any pornography including gray material
response: immediately move out of bedroom for 6 months, outside counseling, possibility of filing for divorce

behavior: lying in any form including half truths and omission
response: immediately move out of bedroom for 6 months, outside counseling, possibility of filing for divorce

behavior: masturbation
response: moving out of bedroom for 2 weeks

behavior: manipulation
response: outside counseling

behavior: not actively participating in the RN program
response: move out of bedroom for 2 weeks, if commitment does not return within that time seek outside counseling, if it happens multiple times possibility of filing for divorce

behavior: viewing/using internet on devices other than work laptop/phone and viewing sites other than the approved ones we have discussed
response: for a non pornography site move out of bedroom for 2 weeks, no internet use of any kind for 3 months, pornography/gray material was addressed above

behavior: ignoring or putting children in danger
response: not being allowed to be alone with them for 6 months, outside counseling

behavior: affair (emotional or physical)
response: immediately move out of family home, possibility of filing for divorce


Last edited by Moving4ward on Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:28 pm 
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09.26.15 Healing Contracts, Exercise Three

Values:
1. Treat people kindly
2. Help others succeed
3. Do not give up if you run into a roadblock
4. Do not let others take advantage of you
5. Speak up if someone else is being treated poorly

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
- Knowingly making me feel dumb/weak/less
- Cheating on me
- Treating people like she is superior to them
- Pitting the kids against me
- Taking her anger at me out on the kids

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
- Drinking (a lot)
- Signs of depression - crying, staying in bed all day, yelling at everyone, distant
- Leaving without saying where she is going or how long she will be back
- Treating the kids poorly

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
- After a period of healing starts to ask a lot of questions (would signal that she thinks something is happening again)
- Won't let me be alone with the kids
- Stops talking to me
- Stops showing affection

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
- Spend quality time together as a family
- Continue to work through the program
- Allow us to be close (talking and touching)

Appropriate response that you will take for each behavior.

behavior: Knowingly making me feel dumb/weak/less
response: Take a one hour break from each other to cool down

behavior: Cheating on me
response: She would have to leave

behavior: Treating people like she is superior to them
response: Apologize to the person

behavior: Pitting the kids against me
response: Find a marriage counselor

behavior: Taking her anger at me out on the kids
response: Take 15min. alone time to cool off


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:43 pm 
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09.27.15 Orientation, Exercise One

I burned the letter today. It felt good that all my old hang-ups went up in smoke and I can rebuild my life in healthy way. But I realize that burning the letter was only symbolic. The real change is going to be re-programming my brain to let go of the childish behavior that I have been hanging on to for so long.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:01 pm 
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09.27.15 The Partnership Contract

The contracts have been personalized, printed and signed by both of us. We talked about them line by line and added what we thought necessary.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:19 pm 
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09.29.15 Developing Meaningful Communication, Exercise Five

We sat down and went through each situation together. It was good to really think about what would be the best way to communicate our feelings through the situations. Stopping to really think about how the ineffective communication would not get us anywhere. I think we both learned some things about ourselves through this discussion and understand we both have things to work on in regards to how we communicate with each other.


Last edited by Moving4ward on Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:31 pm 
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09.29.15 Developing Meaningful Communication, Exercise Five

It was nice to talk through some different situations. It helped me realize how poorly I typically communicate with my wife. I have just been barking out what I want to say instead of really explaining how I feel so she can understand, or listening to what she wants or feels. Now that I have felt what it is like, I want to practice it more.


Last edited by Ready4Chng on Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:42 am 
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09.30.15 Common Obstacles - Understanding Why Couples Fail in Recovery, Exercise Six Intimacy Activity: Hidden Meanings

We will both be working on this over the next week. I feel very excited about this. Ready4Chng used to leave me notes to find more often and at some point it stopped. We will update this exercise after the week is up.


Last edited by Moving4ward on Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:53 am 
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10.01.15 (P) Understanding Your Partner's Addiction, Exercise Seven

This exercise was really uncomfortable, awkward, and difficult for me. I had a much easier time discussing what happened prior to us as a couple. As I was going through everything I could feel myself getting very tense when I started going over things that happened after we were together. Ready4Chng noticed and pointed it out. I am still very hurt and just sad that this is what we are living. I am struggling with feeling very alone in this. I have not shared any of what has gone on with anyone and have no plans to. I guess I just feel very lonely in my feelings, overwhelmed, and embarrassed.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2015 11:51 am 
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10.02.15 (P) Understanding Your Partner's Needs, Exercise Eight

1. I feel like I am making a real effort to bring joy to us by doing the things that we really enjoy together both as a family and as a couple. Laughing together. I am trying hard not to only focus on the things that have to get done, but doing the things we really want to do. To be supportive of his efforts I am encouraging he participate in some writing classes that I think would be a good outlet for him. I am supportive of him finding other outlets for stress. I try to really listen when he talks. He doesn't share his feelings easily and I am really trying to encourage him to do that. The moments of joy absolutely helps me see glimmers of hope that are so desperately needed and wanted.

2. I am sure I am making many mistakes. I am trying very hard to be patient and not angry, but I certainly know I have had some bad moments. I don't think I am giving him the credit that he deserves for the effort he is making. He does appear to be committed and trying.

3. I feel like I am role modeling healthy partnership skills by being loving and attentive to his needs, showing affection and intimacy, participating in the hobbies I like to do, encouraging his hobbies, encouraging finding healthy outlets for stress, communicating/sharing openly, being honest and trustworthy, being genuine in my interaction with him, being present and engaged with our children.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:30 pm 
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10.01.15 (P) Understanding Your Partner's Addiction, Exercise Seven

I had not shared until this exercise, anything about my addiction that happened before we were together. I think the exercise helped to provide more understanding of how long this has really been happening. However, it was not easy to hear what I had done. This exercise upset us both, and I feel like we are a little farther ahead for going through it no matter how hard it was.


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