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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:07 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:19 am
Posts: 5
How can I tell if he has told me everything?It just seems he confessed too quickly to looking at porn and'only' chatting online to other women about sex and says although some asked to meet up he thought that was a 'step too far'????
He had opportunities when I was away for a few days and anyway do sex addicts have such boundaries?
I'm being naive aren't I?


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 5:17 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Sometimes the truth doesn't come out all at once. They are often so ashamed they can't admit it to themselves. So your caution is not unjustified. Does it matter whether the acting out was physical or virtual? As you do the workshop you will start to think about how his behaviour affects your values. Which of your values have been breached? Honesty? Mutual respect? Fidelity of the body, mind and heart? Personal safety (Are you worried about STDs? ). Many of these values will have been breached whether the acting out was physical or not.

Remember that at this early stage you don't HAVE to do, think or feel anything as long as you are safe. You don't have to commit to anything. You don't have to love or hate him. You don't have to promise anybody anything. This is YOUR life. You are responsible only for yourself (and any children if you have them). Take your time. Be kind to yourself. Have a bubbly bath. Do some yoga. Meditate. Do something that gives your mind a break. And if you need to cry, make time to do it. Journal. Enjoy the company of friends. Make sure you eat and drink healthily. You are important.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:28 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
Randolf - I see you have been welcomed here by other partners. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. I encourage you as well to start the partner's lessons. They were immensely helpful to me. I know the incredible shock, anger, panic and just plain instability I felt in the first months after discovery. And, actually, I had multiple discoveries and kept being retraumatized.

So, it's possible he's told you everything but very unlikely. Jon explains this in the lessons. Early on a coach told me to assume my husband was acting out. It didn't matter how, just know that he was. And, know that he was lying. A lot.

My husband is in active recovery for about a year and a half now. He completed RN, he goes weekly to an individual therapist, he goes to 12 step, and is in two therapy groups. Even with all of this, it took him about a year to accept he was an addict. It's taken him much longer to accept that lots of what he did was addict behavior (the fantasizing, ogling, staring, flirting....). The overt stuff with porn and masturbation, he got right away. I think this other stuff is obvious, but he didn't. He still lies. Not as much as he used to. But, and this is something important I learned here at RN, he lies to himself. He deludes himself. He is resistant to dropping or examining some of those illusions. My husband was seriously addicted and progressed deeply in the last decade, so he has a lot of work to do. I say this to let you know that recovery takes time.

So, it is important to focus on you and your healing and well being. I had been advised to separate from my husband, and he begged me not to do that. I regret that I did not. As others have said, it's much harder to regain emotional stability and a sense of control when you are living with an addicted partner. In addition to the lessons, I have been seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma. That has been a major source of my healing. But, the lessons put me on the path to healing.

I was obsessed with knowing what I didn't know about my husband's acting out. Over time, I became so nauseated by what I had learned, I didn't want to hear any more. They may choose to never tell all. Heck, they may be advised by some of their recovery resources not to tell all. They may tell all and we may never fully believe them. Just know that it's not likely you know all, but it is likely your feelings about full disclosure will change over time. I would encourage STD testing.

I am very, very detached and it's a huge relief. If I end up staying with my husband, I will want a full disclosure and it will need to feel honest and complete to me. I will also need to hear my husband have some insight about his addiction and the abuse he piled on me. That may or may not happen. What is important is that I continue to heal and be okay no matter what my husband does.

In solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 2:15 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:19 am
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for your replies.I've been trying to make things work and support him over the last few days and I think I do believe him that he wants to change and that he knows he has a serious compulsion.Today he left his 'phone behind by accident something I've never known him to do as he was in a last minute hurry to get to work. Bluebeard's warning never occurred to me so I've learnt that he was in contact with other people by text although no evidence of phone calls. Also discovered secret email accounts and chat about meeting up but he says he never planned to meet anyone it was just part of the thrill apparently. The meeting up chat tied in with when I was away but he insists it was just chat and he never had the nerve to actually do it. Again? I'm I being naive. Some of the stuff he's been chatting about disturbs me too. I'm no prude but it's all dark fantasy stuff and leaning towards illegal. He swears he wants to change and will be seeing his therapist for the second time in a few days.Seems he didn't tell her the full truth either about all he's been doing and I do find that one difficult to understand when you consider what they charge and how can they help you if you don't ??


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:50 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:19 am
Posts: 5
Rather sad and disappointing update since my last post. He now admits to meeting up with a man for oral sex about a year ago while I was away for 4 days. This hurts a lot but as most of his chat was with women I think this is a smoke screen and he thinks I'll find a physical infidelity with a man easier to cope with now that I ve found evidence that he discussed meeting up. Very close to separating from him now although we had planned to spend 2 weeks holiday together at my house from this Saturday to try and sort things out. No longer sure it's a good idea but I'd be so lonely and miserable without him. Not sure I care how lonely and miserable he'll be to be honest. Is that a good sign?


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 6:25 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I am sorry to hear, randolf.

The reality is that we may never know if they have told us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Their choosing to do so will depend on many things, the big ones being their commitment to their process (of recovery), how much they have been able to separate themselves from their addiction, and how much they are trying to control their environment. I know this does not help your current situation but it is something that we partners need to be fully aware of--especially if we choose to remain in the relationship while we "wait and see" how they progress in recovery.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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