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PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2016 8:56 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:42 pm
Posts: 4
It felt so good to be nurtured and cared for by my husband in such a way that I didn’t feel at all objectified or sexualized. It felt so innocent and loving. At one point in the evening after he brushed my hair he held me in his arms (from behind while we both sat longways on the couch) and began to talk freely about his feelings. I felt so safe and loved in his strong arms. It was great not to have his hands “wander”, but to just be held and appreciated for who I am while he opened up about who he is. I felt more connected to him than I have in a long time, it was almost like we were just now falling in love. Him brushing my teeth was a lot of fun! There was this playful, innocent delight on his face the whole time. It reminded me of expressions I’ve only seen him wear in childhood/teenage photos. It was great to focus on how blessed we are to have each other as dear friends to share life with, and not to let anything else get in the way of that focus. This is the most “intimate” we’ve been in a really long time. It feels like there are subtle walls that are usually up between us that simply weren’t there for the evening.

 Post subject: Exercise 2 Response
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2016 9:01 am 

Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:58 pm
Posts: 3
Part of the exercise was to discover the fragility of life, and while I didn't experience that I did find that purposing to care for her basic needs like brushing her hair, brushing her teeth, and feeding her, was intimate and bonding. Her being so helpless made me feel helpful and needed. She's the kind of girl that loves to be cared for, and shows it in her eyes and mannerisms, which sometimes embarrasses me, but shouldn't—she never expresses her appreciation for me in an embarrassing way, just purely loving, which for some reason makes me sometimes feel an emotion similar to embarrassment. Silly, really. I wish I didn't feel like that. I wish I naturally just looked purely lovingly right back at her. Anyway, it exposed us to some interesting dynamics between us and was a valuable exercise.

 Post subject: Exercise 3 Response
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2016 9:06 am 

Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:58 pm
Posts: 3
I don't have any bounderies I feel I need to put on Carolyn. She's not a reactive person for the most part and I don't feel like I need to put consequenses on actions, because I don't forsee her taking any actions requiring consequenses. There are of course actions that would require consequenses, but since I don't forsee any of those being acted by her, I don't find it necessary to write any down.

 Post subject: Exercise 3 Response
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2016 9:37 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:42 pm
Posts: 4
Values that have been or I’m concerned may be violated by my husband
  • Complete purity, faithfulness and fidelity within marriage
  • Being honest 100% of the time, hiding nothing, being open
  • Sex being for love and intimacy
  • Integrity, keeping commitments and promises

  • No pornagraphic or otherwise sexually arousing material of any kind to be accessed on any device, kept in possession, or viewed in any form
  • Never visiting a strip club, sexual massage parlor, or meeting up with anyone for sexual interaction of any kind
  • Never going “AWOL” or “MIA”, always being reachable and where he says he’s going to be
  • No masturbating
  • Must not choose to watch any media with sexually suggestive or explicit content, or that trivializes or demeans sex, or that objectifies women, or that casts a negative light on monogamous marriage relationships
  • No lies, ever, for any reason
  • Keeping commitments, particularly the ones we’ve agreed to with our accountability/healing team

Proposed consequences if a boundary is crossed
  • The consequences of the sexual boundaries being crossed are:
    deep hurt
  • loss of sexual intimacy between us
  • loss of purity
  • loss of innocence in our relationship
(These positive things are able to be regained, but not without a lot of work and time to heal, and observable change/progress being made)
The consequences of the boundaries being crossed about lies/hiding things, keeping commitments/being reachable are:
  • loss of trust, the severity of which depends on the severity of the breach of integrity
  • reevaluating the direction of our healing/accountability
  • loss of joy, peace and security in our relationship
  • loss of faith in the progress made
  • loss of intimacy/closeness
  • could lead to ending the relationship (may God protect us from ever having to take that path)
(These positive things are able to be regained, but without honesty/openness becoming the constant standard of behavior, any positive gains made are only temporary and a persistence in dishonesty has the potential to destroy our marriage)

Positive things I’d like to see from my husband that would make me feel good about his overall balance/progress in healing
  • Taking healing/protection seriously. Being highly motivated to do whatever it takes to protect himself from lusting, to heal the damage done to our relationship, to take responsibility for that damage, to learn how to continue to change for the better, to pursue intimacy. This motivation should be evident through the high priority placed on these things in both his attitude and actions.
  • Being honest 100% of the time, hiding nothing, being open
  • Pursuing a close walk with God through reading the Bible, praying, reading Christian literature, watching Christian media, pursuing friendship/fellowship with sincerely devoted believers, making church attendance a high priority, being careful about the content of recreational books, media, conversation, and recreation.

Things that would make me concerned about his overall balance/progress in healing
  • Breaking commitments
  • Being unmotivated about relationship with God
  • Being unmotivated about or putting a low priority on using RecoveryNation
  • Focus on sex for personal pleasure rather than for intimacy
  • Saying he needs time to go out alone, “me time”, etc...
  • Lack of self-control in trivial things like eating excess sweets or drinking excess coffee
  • Discontentment in general
  • Dissatisfaction with lifestyle, professional success, church community, friends or family
  • Disinterested in having sex
  • Lack of apparent attraction to me
  • Apparent attraction to me being primarily sexual

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