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PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 2:21 am 
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I am once again, in the dark pit known as discovery day. It gets worse every time. It shouldn't, since I know I am married to an addict. I should know now to trust my gut, trust the large delivery of ED drugs I intercept from the mail carrier looking for a signature, is not to cure prostate trouble. Believe that an internet history with missing pieces has nothing missing...what you don't see tells the tale. I should know by now. But, in all fairness he has become a master of deception. The smoothest of liars and has no qualms about using my methods of detection against me. I slap my own face for telling him the way that I "know" so he can use those ways to better trick me. Trick himself. Delusions of hiding, delusions since I always discover and discover I did, yet again, six weeks ago. This time, the depression and hurt have eased past the last scars into places I didn't know existed.

If the first time, if I knew what I now know, I would have left. I would have saved myself knowing I can't save him. I can't help. All the love and support in the world he has had from me and it hasn't made a difference.

I resent working on me. Like a child, I don't want to clean up the mess that someone else has made. I am not sure, this time, this last time it is even possible.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:14 am 
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Violet - I am so sorry. I wish I could say something to ease the pain.

I am concerned about you. How seriously depressed and hopeless are you? Do you need help right now? Do you have support or resources to turn to right now?

It is unfair that we have to clean up the mess. I know. I hear you. I have been seeing a trauma therapist for over a year, and what I can say is...it's been wonderful for me. Very, very healing.

You are worthy. You deserve happiness, joy, peace and serenity. And the piece of good news, even in all the unfairness, is that we don't have to rely on our unreliable partners to heal. We only need ourselves and the energy to find healing help. The more I detached,, the more I was able to find help. The more help I got, the more detached I became.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:35 am 
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Hello Violet,

I am so sorry. I, as many probably do, relate to the continued upset caused by yet another discovery. For me, it became more devastating each time because I believed in the possibility of recovery, and I believed that my h had the capacity to recovery if he truly wanted to. I believed in him because I wanted to believe. And there was nothing wrong with this-I had many values based reasons for wanting to believe. So, do not make yourself wrong for standing by time and again as I am sure there are many values based reasons you have done so. Maybe you are at a point where you need to revisit those reasons, and consider the impact on your overall vision and wether or not continuing to compromise some of those values is the right thing for you. Of course, these values being considered within the bigger picture of your vision for you life.

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 3:47 pm 
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I have been waiting, hoping I could post something hopeful, meaningful, but I am still on empty. I don't have much but I do have my manners, so thank you Dnell and Coach Mel for reaching out. I know I should do my work, that it would help me, but this time around, I can't grasp the lifeline. I am too exhausted, to pull myself out of the water. It seems easier to just fall asleep until I sink under the waves and no longer have to bother. At work, I put my face on and then redo it over and over since I cry it off. It's either that or I am stoic and pretending nothing is wrong. I keep it together more often that not because I have to and I am no stranger to sucking it up in order to survive in this world.

I am learning more about my husband's addiction than ever before and as grateful as I am for him to find his place in his world, mine is further crushed. I love this man but to forgive and live with what has been and could be, feels like too much for me. We have a full disclosure coming up in a few weeks. I am terrified. I tell myself to get a grip but my mind takes me to terrible places.

When I really can't stand it but don't want to "go there", I numb myself with wine and weed. Nothing that I have done before. Can a person be beyond the desire to fix themselves? It sure seems like it.

Maybe I will get there but for now, I can't and that just has to be okay.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 7:04 am 
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Hello Violet,

It sounds like you are depressed. I strongly recommend that you seek support from a counsellor or family doctor for depression, preferably (but not necessarily) someone who is familiar with sexual addiction. Your health and wellbeing are important, even if you cannot connect to that right now.

I am so sorry you feel as you do right now. Please know that while these feelings and symptoms are very real to you right now, they are not permanent. Hang in there and take care of you.

Mel

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 9:46 pm 
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XOXO


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 6:08 pm 
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Update. I took the mindful advice of "the village." Thank you.... I'm on doctor scripted anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, using an online journal to document changes in myself and have found comfort in Dr. Omar Minwalla's trauma model. (It is so crucial to process without self blame). I also asked my husband to leave over Christmas, which he did. I invited him back with boundaries which he agreed to which include his moving into the guest room. Finally after 10-years battling this monster, he is taking a polygraph test tomorrow to verify everything in his disclosure is truthful and complete. His first disclosure was not complete as he was still shame based lying. No more landmines for me stumble across and set me back. He also deeded the house over to me so I never have to worry about moving ever again. He's doing 12-step with a sponsor, a therapist working on deep seeded issues of childhood that center around a shame based personality, and daily spiritual mediation. I am scared when this new disclosure will bring but, understanding the patterns around SA, I don't expect a huge reveal just more of the same old stuff-just lots more than I ever realized.

I am finally sorting out he is a good guy with a bad problem with ways of being in the world I value. Some of my demons are what make my response as painful as it is not that those creatures let him off the hook, but they definitely contribute to my pain. My biggest challenge is letting enough of the past go so I can move forward, not with trust (he will need to earn that over time) but with compassion for what he is able to show me at the moment. For the first time in 10 years I feel hope is warranted for good reasons as opposed to hope being something to cling to because there is nothing else to work with.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 12:35 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
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Hello Violet,

Please may I say that I speak the following words from a place of respect, in sharing my thoughts.
Your path is so familiar and oh I know, so damn hurtful. From a stranger voice on this board, I can say that I hear and understand what you are saying... am sad ...it is words that I have said...

It has been a long time since I posted, and took my leave.

Yet I check in on a regular basis on these souls that are in this weird ethereal space of the soul wrenching freaking gaslighting world of manipulation and the pit of pornography addiction...and for others, sexual addiction...

This is what I know now.
It is betrayal, dished out by manipulation from a place of arrested development on the one hand, and a trusting, naive, yet stupidly trusting person who used her own values as a mirror to hold up to another person. Rather than seeing the other person as who he really was, in the mirror that I held up, I saw reflected on it, my own values, wishing that this was real because I thought that who I loved had to be like me... it was like 'my values and sense of self are the measure of all things and my partner has to be like me', trusting in love, loyalty and sense of family as reproduced in our children.. That was the ultimate betrayal... I was participant in the deception.

I do not say this flippantly. For years, I was in denial.

It has taken me five years to come to this realization. Trust was really not the issue ultimately. Trust was the whore in this relationship... it was the manipulation on the one hand, and the naive thinking on mine. as explored above... The flawed foundation was my sense of self, me. I did not see...

The mirror lied..I can say that I was oh so naive,,,and in a way, arrogant, because I thought that who I was, had to be who I loved.... I loved someone who had to to be like me... loyal, honest, truthful.... It was my own values that betrayed me... I imputed on someone else what I wanted to see... trusted too much...

And now, what I feel is that who I am is me. I am enough. I love me. I do not need another person to validate me...

It has comes to this... run from this person... the mirror...
smash the mirror...
and just be you and love you. You are enough. Look hard at yourself.

the cliches of detachment and letting go ... it is true...it is five years for me...It will be six years since discovery...it took me five years to get it...and it was the day that I walked away from expecting from a person who is incapable of giving what is not in them to give... then I ran...and I could not run before... I had to process, ant then, I had to live it and breath and know that it was ok...

You will be OK too...

My last post was 'run'...

Words sound trite when typed out... please know that it is coming from my heart...

Endofmyrope


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:25 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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Violet - I am so relieved you are on anti-depressants. And, Endofmyrope, I send you my embrace.

I think the critical thing we MUST do, us partners, is start to move the focus of our energy, our thinking, our emotions on to ourselves. We must stop putting our partners first.

I've been at this for three years now and I can tell you it has taken me this long to really focus on myself. I strongly encourage you to find a trauma therapist. I first started with the lessons, and then reading, and then posting to this forum, and then trauma therapy. It is time to TAKE all the resources and help you can get. Because here is the reality for all of us: our partners took from us and did not give. We gave to them and got so little in return. Besides my misery, the biggest clue I had to stop ignoring was just how exhausted I was. I was so exhausted putting up with all the craziness. All the abuse. I have come to realize how much of my time was spent thinking about my addicted husband, the failure of my marriage, my constant efforts to figure out what was wrong and to make things better. I need to get my addicted husband and his distortions and abuse out of my head. It takes a while. And the good news is as we focus more and more on ourselves and our well being, we feel so much better. And we really stop caring so much about our partners' craziness. It's an enormous relief.

But it takes a while. I've come to believe that my husband is an abusive man. Yes, he had early trauma. Yes, he suffered. Yes, I have compassion for him. But he was deeply disrepectful of women and girls. His objectification led to dehumanization. He was self centered and uncaring to a point of destructiveness. He used me and abused me. That's a painful reality. I had to be gentle with myself. I can't abuse myself. I had to find compassion and self understanding. Honestly, your compassion should go FIRST to you, and then later, to your partner. Active addicts have no empathy. The painful reality for me was I was useful to my husband and he didn't care one whit about my well being.

What helped me was to think about the "me" I had lost. I remembered when I was happy, fun, adventurous, sensual. I remember looking forward to each day. I remember when the future seemed full of potential, not more years on a prison sentence. To get back those feelings I had to get the real "me" back. It's so tragic that I stopped trusting myself and lost touch with me since I started to believe my husband's distortions and lies.

I started small. I did something nice for myself once a day. I expanded on that. Then I started to defy my husband and to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. In my marriage my husband did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, but expected me to be on demand to cater to him whenever he wanted. My wants and needs? An inconvenience at best.

As I found myself, I noticed just how abusive my husband was towards me. How controlling. How disrespectful. How self-centered and uncaring. How cruel.

My husband is in active recovery. He's changing. Do I trust him? No. I see changes, profound changes. But I will need to see more and it will have to be permanent. It will take him a long time to get mature and healthy, and it will be a lifelong commitment of his to stay that way.

But here is the most important thing I have learned. It doesn't matter anymore to me if my husband recovers or not. I will not live with an active addict. I have lost the fear of "abandonment" since I came to the awareness I've always been alone in my marriage. Even if my husband recovers, I don't want to live with an immature man who isn't capable of conducting his life in an adult manner. These bottom lines, these boundaries, have become an important way for me to protect myself.

The last thing you need is pressure or disapproval. None of us here want to do that to you. Rather, I want you to know I know what you are feeling. I understand how my hope felt like a betrayer, and at the same time a savior, and at some point something that was alien to me. My problem was I focused my hope on my husband, over whom I had no control, when I needed to focus all that beautiful and priceless hope on me.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 11:59 am 
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I just want to state a belief that I hold strongly and want every partner here to know, in the depth of their very being: It is in no way “stupid” to have trusted; blindly, naively or otherwise. Also, projection is an automatic human behaviour. Of course we would assume our partner would have the same values as us, because our partner led us to believe that they did. That we hang onto that belief as long as we do/did, perhaps beyond what was healthy for us, does not make us stupid.

All creatures are wired for survival. Our survivalist instinct protects us for as long as it has to, running unconsciously the background keeping us in a safe state of denial (ignorance is bliss), until we were capable of dealing with it. There is nothing “wrong” or stupid with this, either. I do not believe it a weakness; it is actually a strength. It means that our systems are working as they are meant to keep us functioning as best as we can. Realizing that our partners are not who we believed they were threatens our very being.

Coming to a place of acceptance, followed by the place of responsibility where we take back control for our lives, and leave behind the false sense of control (that gives us a false sense of security, and feeds our misplaced hope) takes a lot of work, and the experience of the individual is immeasurable and incomparable as we are all where we are at any given moment for a variety of survivalist reasons. When we are ready to have our eyes opened, they will open. When our eyes open is when we will be able to focus "all that beautiful and priceless hope" on ourselves. And then another journey/process begins...

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 2:39 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
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Thank you for your mindful responses. Last night was interesting...I thought of a last minute disclosure aspect and emailed it to my husband. Did you ever fantasize about any person we both know. Since I have the far better memory, and regardless of the SA we have excellent communication, I had helped him with questions for the disclosure but this one had eluded me. Apparently, he went into a major funk because he thought he had nailed every last thing and here was something, that he had skipped. the night before the polygraph. He called his sponsor, his sponsor told him I had a right to know anything I wanted to know because I am an adult and get to make choices about my life based on true information. His sponsor also said he should be grateful he had another piece to add to the disclosure if it would make it more complete. I must bake that man a pie. My husband crashed into a place of deep shame and terror that "It was over" and I would leave him once I knew what was in the disclosure. He told me all this once I got home from work. I told him the polygraph was for him. A right of passage towards being the man he wanted to be. It wasn't for me. The disclosure (the real one not the last one full of lies) would be handled with my therapist in installments (it's 18 pages long). I would process it as I could handle it, honestly and mindfully without more trauma to myself. I made no promises about any outcome regarding us but I did say, that my work was far more difficult and painful than is. He agreed. The best part is I watched all this with a degree of compassion and a healthy helping of detachment. I even told him I would take him to dinner since every condemned man deserves a last meal. I know, wicked...but he did laugh and so did I.

Today, He's at his poly. Hopefully not scanning the examiner who happens to be a woman. How ironically lovely is that? I'm kidding. Knowing my sense of humor has returned tells me I am in a damn good place. I am working on my real life today and he is working on his.

I feel a Moulin Rouge night coming on. I want to hear Come What May because I truly am good with that.

XOXO


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:15 am 
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I laughed, but I have a too can wicked sense of humour :w: It is great that you have a solid plan for processing and it is a wonderful thing-a truly hopeful thing-that you notices things about yourself returning, such as your sense of humour. An example of resiliency and success. (Regardless of how things go from here, it is important to recognize the successes along the journey to build on and reinforce our vision for ourselves and stack our positive history in our memory's favour).

Continue to be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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