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 Post subject: DJ24's Healing Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2018 6:37 am 

Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2018 8:45 pm
Posts: 2
Hi, I am here shattered. I feel so lost and alone right now but mostly confused. I am ready to start the lessons but wanted to share now since I can't fully share anywhere else.
I have been in my own recovery from alcohol for 31 years and usually handle life on life's terms fairly well but I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
I have been married to my wife for almost 23 years and it has always seemed like a really good marriage. We have had our ups and downs but mostly ups (at least from my perspective and supposedly her perspective too). Most of the down are directly related to her acting out sexually/romantically.
There have only been five incidents that I know of and she claims those are the only ones but I can't be sure. Anyway, each time it has escalated and I might have finally lost hope for our marriage which has crushed me.
Each disclosure I have tried to apply my own recovery tools to what has been shared and love her, forgive, learn to trust again, and be supportive but about every five years we end up at this place again.
This last discovery has been the most devastating and after I overheard her getting off the phone with professions of love to the person on the other end I asked. She claims that they were soul mates and in love (never met each other in person).
The next day when I returned from work and wanted to see where she was at to fix things and after talking to my sponcer about applying my tools to help make it work I let her go first. She basically told me she didn't feel more than friendship with me and wanted to love me but couldn't. She also said she did not want to end it with her new soulmate. She asked for a divorce.
I was devasted and physically ill. She came out about a hour later and said "what am I doing? You are the one I love who has stood next to me through everything and I don't want to end it." I told her she couldn't make herself love me so no I didn't want her to take back what she said. I was crying but I thought it was guilt or fear talking not her real feelings.
The next day I got a text asking me not to cancel our weekend getaway. She wants to leave her phone at home and be with just me and our pup. She said she can't fully explain it but she woke up with the same song in her head that she feels was her spirit leading her to me, she sent a copy of the message she sent ending it with the other woman.
She wants to stay, she says she loves me but had fallen in love with someone else and was so sorry, she asked if she could start going to meetings with me, and I believe she is starting the lessons on this site. She is the one who has always called her actions addictive.
She appears to be being honest and us not blaming me for what she did. She goes between thinking it was an addictive/compulsive act to she just wanted the connection no matter what the cost. I don't know which is worse.
I am so confused because I want to move forward as a couple and I equally want out of our marriage for the first time in 24 years. She is the love if my life but I don't think I can't survive another slip or whatever this is. I am a mess, can't sleep, can't eat, and feel anguish or numb. I feel so broken. It's only been two weeks but I'm not bouncing back very well. Worst if all I've lost hope.
We are best friends so much of my activities, goals, and dreams include her. I know I'll be okay alone (in fact probably an even fuller life) but I don't want us to end. I also don't want a "fake" us either. I love her deeper and more purely than I have ever loved another human being.
Thank you for providing a place I could pour my heart out.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2018 9:52 pm 

Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:25 am
Posts: 4
Hi DJ, I know how you feel (am 7 weeks post discovery)
I don’t know if your partner is an addict or not - she sounds confused and delusional. But whatever is driving her, doesn’t ease your pain I know. It has taken me 4 weeks to try and think about the next step in this recovery workshop - I couldn’t even name a value that I had to start with! I am feeling a little better now though - the pain comes in waves - maybe I am just getting better at surfing.
Hang in there.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 8:48 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 671
DJ24 - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be.

I don't know if your partner is addicted or has a tremendous fear of intimacy. These disorders often go hand in hand. The lessons may help you understand what you are confronting in your relationship.

In any event, I encourage you to focus on you and find healing resources for you. Individual counseling has been tremendously helpful for me and might be helpful to you.

I know how hard it was to focus on myself and my healing since I so desperately wanted some understanding of what was going on and what my future would hold. The painful reality is there is nothing you can do to get your partner to recover or to address her issues. She has to come to that sincere awareness and commitment on her own. What you can do is focus on your own healing and well being.

With deep compassion,

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