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 Post subject: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 7:27 am 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Hi all

I'm feeling anxious that I may have alienated myself from other partners. In my first post on the lessons thread I shared that I was in recovery myself for sex addiction. I have been clean from behaviours for 10 years. When I was in my teens and twenties my behaviour involved occasional one night stands when in relationships, and then a lot of acting out when not in relationship. In my thirties it only happened when I wasn't in a relationship. Throughout my forties (I'm nearly fifty) I have been in recovery and clear of it. This is a very different pattern from my partner, who has always used prostitutes and porn whilst in relationship. I thought it was different with me but sadly not.

I didn't suspect my partner of a double life. I didn't automatically link sex addiction and lies.

I'm afraid people on this site will not want to offer support because of my past. I hope some people can still offer support as I really need it. My own history has not lessened the impact of DDay for me. I am experiencing betrayal trauma, with all of the subsequent reactions.

I can understand my partner's addiction yes, and how it was essential for his survival on some level to keep both the relationship and the addiction going, and I'm grateful for that understanding, but that hasn't alleviated the trauma and loss.

I understand if some people don't want to or can't empathise but hope some can.

LunaRay


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:59 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 71
Luna Ray,

I'm here and available for support. Trauma and betrayal is just that, and it hurts and takes so many resources to recover from. Your past gives you a unique view into what is going on, but it doesn't make those feelings go away. You need support and you should have it.

I would encourage you to keep on it and please do ask for help if you need it. You deserve to have a safe place where you can work your lessons and begin your healing and recovery process... for YOU.

Take care,

Aletheia


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:08 am 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Thank you so much. That really means a lot. Thank you for your understanding and encouragement.

LunaRay


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:33 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 161
I empathise completely, I too had an addiction to porn,to love,..but my husband Sa is a different kettle of fish..i never treated him the way he treated me, I never with with held intimacy,emotion,or bullied,manipulated,gaslighted etc..avoided communication..


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:59 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
LunaRay,
As a partner's mentor and long-time member at RN, I can say you have a place here, you are welcome here, and you have not alienated yourself. Please stay to get the support you need and practical tools and techniques to help you rebalance your life. I am glad you are here.

Warmly,
meepmeep


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:02 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
LunaRay, I don't have a problem with your personal SA history.

I think for partners to heal, we need as many healing resource as we can find. There is a lesson about that. RN is great and supportive, but it's not designed as a regular meeting to check in. I think having that resource is important as well.

I have gotten tremendous support here from other partners, and I think you can as well, but I would also encourage you to add other support sources as well.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:26 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Thank you all for your feedback and reassurance. I have meeting support that I am using, plus checking out different therapists right now too. I also have two people I already know that this has happened to - their partners have relapsed when both are in recovery, so they have been very supportive and have given hope. I find the wisdom and experience on RN resonates and encourages, and I really like the approach so will be using this as well as my other resources.

LunaRay


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:00 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi LunaRay,
To briefly piggy back on what dnell wrote, in the public partner's healing workshop forum, that area is run solely by volunteers, and you will not find a response to most of your lessons there.

If you find you want some additional support, RN does offer a paid (private) coaching model. I'm not pushing nor do I receive any income from this model. It is something I used long ago and was helpful to me at that time. I received responses to more of my lessons and more 1-1 guidance, so if you struggle to find local or other resources, you could look at the main website for the partner's coaching resources.

meepmeep


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 Post subject: Re: Reassurance needed
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:05 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Thank you, that's really helpful :-)


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