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 Post subject: iamz's recovery thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 5:19 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 6:21 am
Posts: 12
Hello to all,

I am new here :w:

Wish you a day full of awareness and growth!

Take good care,

See you in the forum!


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 Post subject: Lesson 1 Exercises
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 5:21 am 
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Posts: 12
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.


It is not enough to "just not act out", trying to refrain from as long as possible. It does not work because after 7 to 14 days, the pressure finally gets too strong and unbearable.

It looks like I indeed need to commit myself actively, to "do things" instead only "not doing / not acting out".

I have been using masturbation to porn for 19 years.

It is a way to deal with stress, fear, guilt, boredom, negative judgement, critique, feeling not good enough.

I can't just stop using this strategic tool and expecting to at least not need some kind of replacement.

It has been my weapon of choice against almost anything that is challenging, so I'd better replace it with something very powerful!

Considering the multiple failed attempts at breaking free from masturbation to porn, and the feelings of extreme discomfort just before I relapsed, being totally committed to use whatever possibility I have in my power to get rid of this cancer of an addiction seems to be the only way.

It is probably one of the hardest challenge of my life.

I'm glad to take every bit and give all that I have to crush it.

Regarding "2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change", I cannot really relate to that.

I hide my recovery, just like my addiction and in this sense I would say that this is guilt and shame.

But I am not sure, if it is what is meant by this sentence.

I realize that it will take time.

I have been using masturbation to porn for about 19 years against any type of challenge, so it will take time to change that!

I realize that growth is only possible by going through challenges, that it lies on the other side of discomfort, suffering, pain.

I can only do this if I embrace this discomfort, stay with it, look at it in the eyes, feel the burn and bitterness of it and stay there til it's gone.


B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

I want to be honest and to have nothing to hide, to the whole universe.

I want to be so stable, courageous, strong, peaceful and aware, that I can last through discomfort, through fire, that I can saty there and simply use my own resources to get through it.

I want to be free from any attachement.

I want to overcome this weakness of mine, which is relying on tricks to avoid pressure, fear, stress, difficulty.

I want to be comfortable in discomfort, to be so used to it, that it is not a problem anymore.

I want to know, master and enjoy the dark side of myself, because it is the hidden half of my experience and I want to embrace the full spectrum of myself, of my emotions, not just the sweet ones, not "half of the cake".

I want to use all that energy trapped in fear, boredom, resentment, feelings of inferiority, helplessness and use it.

I want to grow emotionally as a person, to become a real man, who can endure challenges, difficulties.

I want to master myself so that I can be of help, so that I can share my energy with others.

I want to use all my energy into breaking free from suffering, and help others do so as well, but I need to do it myself, before I can help others.

I want to overcome my hormones, who have clearly highjacked me, as well as my ingrained habits of being a passive spectator and instead overcoming those chemicals and becoming an actor of my life.

I want to improve my sexual health, to be sexually active with my wife, to satisfy myself and her more deeply, to connect with her authentically and deeply.

I want to control my sexual drives, channel them, for example by lasting longer and by enjoying the sexual experience to its fullest and not rushing to come.

I want to use all my energy to create the life I really want, to constantly give my best shot at life so that I die happy and fullfilled because I gave it all, because I did everything in my power to live my dream life.

C. ("Look into the eyes of your own innocence" exercise")

I feel a connection to this innocent child that I was, that I am. I feel the same for my 3 year old daughter. This child (both me and her) is very pure, open, happy, receptive, vulnerable but at the same time very courageous, honest, spontaneous, raw.

I feel a deep need to cherish, protect, nurture this child. I feel it is like a very thin peace of crystal, so shiny, so pure yet so delicate, to be "handled with extreme care", because it is so precious.

I feel a deep fear that it will experience pain, suffering, that it will fall pray of malicious and malevolent people. My heart is torn when it cries, when it is sad, when it experiences pain and I would like to prevent any of this from happening.

On the other hand, I know that it is unrealistic and that it is not serving this child to never experience pain. I want to help him learn how to deal with it, how protect himself from it, how to face it, how to overcome.

I also want this child to never loose his freedom, his spontaneity, his wittiness, his ability to remain free, to rebel, to be independent, to be true to himself, to be able to speak up and stand up for himself.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 5:49 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3914
Location: UK
Hello Z
and welcome to RN
straight off the bat I tell you that which you do already know, but right now likely fear, this is a fact

Quote:
It looks like I indeed need to commit myself actively, to "do things" instead only "not doing / not acting out".


you say

Quote:
I hide my recovery, just like my addiction and in this sense I would say that this is guilt and shame.

But I am not sure, if it is what is meant by this sentence.

but earlier admitted
Quote:
It is a way to deal with stress, fear, guilt, boredom, negative judgement, critique, feeling not good enough.


note the connection?????????

if you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you, however I wouldlike to have read "I will" rather than simply "I want to"

lets get committed totally committed and look forwards to being that better man
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:56 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3914
Location: UK
Hi
Quote:
lets get committed totally committed and look forwards to being that better man
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you


:pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe:
it only needs commitment
change in addiction is inevitable, right now you have the opportunity to choose that direction of change
choose wisely but do choose

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 1:58 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 6:21 am
Posts: 12
Thank you very much for your messages!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:40 am 
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Lesson 2 Exercises:
C. Write out your vision.


No matter what I do, I am constantly rediscovering what seems to be my way in life: being relaxed and aware of my body and mind.
No matter how far I loose myself in various external goals, distractions, challenges, theories, plans l, all of those end up being dead ends.
They all fail to deliver the fulfillment I am looking for.
The only way that I can truly relate to is the one of awareness.
It is being gentle and alert.
It is feeling my body and mind as much as I possible, while remaining cool, and no matter what I do.
It’s relaxing into awareness of my bodily and mental experiences.
It is something that I can feel more than I can express.
It’s something that I loose when I get distracted, and it what eventually I come back to, when there’s nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, when I've reached the very ends of the dead ends.
It is there that I find distance and quietness, where I can observe, decide, act without distracting emotions, judgements.
As long as I maintain this quality of presence, no matter what I do, I am enjoying every moment, every action, because I am there.
Now regarding "doing", I am moving in the direction of being healthy (holistic coach program and certification as a concrete goal), sharing my experiences on my website and through a podcast.
My objective is to make a living sharing and teaching about health, both the physical, mental and spiritual.
I intend to keep on supporting myself with my job in IT and making the transition to this new job.
I am using my knowledge of IT to make those first steps on the web and want to switch when I will earn money from it.
I’m also sharing this quality of presence with my family as well as with everyone I encounter, being a living example.
There is so much to life that I simply want to live (it).
I’ve also come to realize that I need to trust my way of living, instead of copying it imitating others’.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:30 pm 
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Adding a few elements to my vision.
I want to be the best person possible towards my family, friends and strangers.
This means being reliable, offering them what is the most valuable in my opinion: my attention, time, compassion, love.
I notice that lately I have failed in this: my wife have been repeatedly telling me that I am so negative, which clearly shows me (now that I want to listen), that I think of myself as open, non-judgmental, but the reality is that I am not.
I am interested in discovering the truth about myself about the world because I really think it will see me free and I see how masturbating to pornography is about a big lie, an illusion: it is faking for the actors and it is a fake sexuality: in the head like a mind fantasy.
I want to be love with others, support them, be that loving and accepting presence.
My daughter shows me everyday that I can do it, the relationship that I have so far with her is really one very inspiring: full of love, trust, play, spontaneous and natural, driven by the heart.
I really do feel a connection and it shows me that it is like the basic layer, the best foundation for a great relationship.
I am
so thankful for her and for what she shows me because it opens my eyes to how I can improve my other relationship and especially for the one with her mother, my wife and for the one with myself.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 2:51 pm 
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B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them.

I value awareness, because it is the path to another value, truth.
I value truth, because it enables to understand the world within and around me.
I value honesty.
I want to be open, non judgmental.
I value respecting everybody, their beliefs, opinions, actions, because everyone has their own history leading them to where they are.
I want to be responsible, to take full responsibility for my thoughts, emotions, actions.
I want to both be in the world, to live fully in it, but also to keep a healthy distance, remembering that I am such a microscopic drop of water in the unlimited ocean of life.
I want to be fully living, to be committed and involved in each and every moment, every move, every breath, every thought.
I want to honor this precious life that I am grateful to live.
I want to fully experience life, in a realistic and mature way, ie. not only the ups but also the downs, being fully committed to being the best person ever (according to my values, by my standards), not matter what, especially when shit hits the fan.
I want to be caring, compassionate and loving: a positive force in the world.
I value order and cleanliness because it is both is linked to respecting myself, others and everything around me.
I value courage, doing the right thing and not only what feels good.
I value patience and persistence, because some things simply take time, repetition, consistency.
I value simplicity, because it helps keeping a clear and peaceful mind, it helps keeping focus.
I want to be more with less, ie. to do with what I have, at any given moment.
I want to be at peace with whoever I am, no matter what, because every step is required or any journey.
I value freedom, which is for me, one of the greatest gift to be given: the freedom to be oneself, without any limitations.
I value quietness, contemplation.
I want to be an living example, an embodiment of those values, so that I inspire others with the value of those values.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2019 3:44 pm 
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C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:

1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.


Additional values from (or inspired by) the list:
being true with the whole world, not having to hide anything and being totally comfortable with myself
being the best father, husband, son, brother, friend, colleague, teacher I can
Being an inspiration to other
Being a living example for other
Being an example that when one commits completely, anything is possible
Being joyful, life full and bringing it to others
Being playful and funny
Having a great sense of humor, especially when it is needed (ie in difficult / challenging times)
Take care of myself, displaying self respect and love, inspiring others to do the same with them and being a supportive force on which people feel they can rely on
Experiencing intimacy with my wife
Being the best lover ever, feeling that masculine energy and controlling it fully
Being in complete control of my energy
Transcending my physical boundaries
Opening myself to enlightenment and having it happening to me
Being constantly in tune with life, floating with grace in the stream of life
Removing any internal conflict, limitation, tension in myself, preventing life to flow through me
Being content
Being so aware that I don’t need discipline but that seeing and feeling what is best, that inner wisdom is my guide


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 6:05 am 
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2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

I'm not sure if I should write here:
a. values from my previous answers
b. other / new values, that are not in my previous answers.

If it is a. (values from previous answers), then the values are:
I want freedom
I want to live fully
I want quietness
I want intimacy
I want sexual power

If it is b. (new values, not from previous answers), then the values are:
I want control
I want domination
I want to be all powerful
I want submission
I want unlimited satisfaction and pleasure
I want release
I want oblivion
I want dirty sex
I want my phantasms fulfilled
I want indulgence free of consequences


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:55 pm 
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Posts: 12
Lesson 4 exercises:
B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.


1. awareness/ consciousness
2. quietness / inner peace
3. focus
4. freedom
5. compassion
6. respect / tolerance
7. courage
8. order
9. simplicity
10. patience
11. truth
12. acceptance
13. playfulness


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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 8:19 am 
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Posts: 12
As I wrote my vision and values, I was wondering where to put sex related things.
The reason for this, is that I have been using sex as a way to release stress, tension, anxiety, frustrations.
Moreover sex is a bit delicate for me because I don’t feel "performant" in bed, so to speak.
Therefore I have to admit that I don’t really know what healthy sex is.
I feel like I need to first free myself from this sexual addiction and only then discover my sexuality (almost from scratch because from what I can recall, sex was always associated with taboo, fear, anxiety, it was never something fully accepted and experienced).
So I see a kind of abstinence as a seemingly reasonable way to get started.
Any idea on this?
Am I thinking straight, is it a correct idea?
Any feedback, advice is really welcome!
Thanks in advance!


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2020 10:10 am 
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Hello,
starting again the recovery:

Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) actively committing yourself to change
I really want to actively commit to recovery. The last months I’ve been trying to setup concrete goals for my life, because I feel like doing different things, living a more exciting life. I feel like I could change my life but I need a plan and consistency.
Setting my priorities and goals made me come back to recovery nation and it looks like I need to start with removing addictive mindset and behaviors completely from my life.
I know this is the biggest challenge in my life right now and it is probably the biggest one ever actually. I know it will completely transform me and my life.
But I feel uncertain about it, about me being able to succeed, especially after failing so many times in the past.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Right now I feel I can’t possibly talk about my addiction and recovery to anyone close or in a public way.
I feel secure only by sharing this part of my life with complete strangers, who should not know anything about who I am, where I live etc.
But I am eager to create contact and connection with these strangers though.
I just feel it can’t mix with the rest of my life, but can only happen in this closed sphere.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
Time has always felt like an eternity in my recovery attempts. Abstaining for one week feels long and difficult, two weeks is my record so far.
After one or two weeks, my mind is only filled with erotic thoughts and getting back to masturbating to porn. I feel a constant unpleasant feeling / tension in my body, only removed by giving up to acting out again.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

Reasons to permanently change my life:
- I want to be free, free from any form of mental or physical slavery
- I want to be aware, to know what I am feeling and being able to stay with it, even when it is unpleasant
- I want to be courageous
- I want to love and own myself completely, do and be who I am the most proud of
- I want to be completely open and transparent
- I want to be wise and peaceful
- I want to be strong and stable
- I want to be my point of reference, the father figure I have been always looking for
- I want to be smooth and use my energy efficiently
- I want to be compassionate, loving and generous while remaining assertive and grounded
- I want to live my life to the fullest of my abilities
- I want to be a positive strength among my family and friends
- I want to fuse with reality and with the world, to let go of attachment and resistance to what is.


Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life.  Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

I find it hard to feel / see the innocence in the eyes on the picture.
Thinking about this child though, about all the way it has been ever since, makes me sad.
It’s similar to what I feel when I think about (my) young children and the fact that they could suffer unjustly: they are pure and innocent, and they are facing suffering and pain, which I feel deeply sad / painful about.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2020 1:54 pm 
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Lesson 2: Vision

Simply awake

Awareness, truth, reality, honesty, courage, balance, simplicity, freedom, compassion, unconditional love.

The previous words are the roots of what my life is build on, from now on.

It has been striking me over and over again, that I have been perpetuating blindly the same mistakes. All of them because I was blind, I didn’t pay attention.

Just like I often tell my young daughter, "when we hurt yourselves, it is almost always because at some point we didn’t pay attention".

The more I look at what I do, the more I look at how I do, where I come from mentally and emotionally, the clearer it is. Yes, it is right the "why" of my actions is of uttermost importance.

When I manage to be conscious, to keep on watching and being honest with myself and others, than everything becomes simpler.

And simplicity is so critical for me: "it can be simple" is what I repeat to myself often. Making things complicated has often been an excuse I used to avoid responsibility, challenges, discomfort, effort.

But I can’t lie to myself anymore, I can’t lie to others as well. Bending reality and pretending it is different than what it is, is only isolating myself in a fake world, the real one hitting back really hard, when facts reveal themselves.

So I drop the fantasies, the illusions, the wishes and I completely merge with what is real, what is alive, what is really happening. I fuse with the world, as to dance with it, to pulse to the beat. Being off tempo has brought so much of a pain. The struggle is endless. The universe is simply to strong, it is just a matter of suffering in time. And I have had enough time suffering.

Now I listen. I open. I pay attention. And by doing so I can understand and learn. I can get closer to the rest. I don’t go against the flow. I am part of the show. I contribute to it by being myself, by being that microscopic peace in the infinite mosaic.

Simple.

It enables me to relax into myself and into the world. I play along. No drama. The whole is so huge it’s just about playing anyway. It’s about playing the endless play of life!

I enjoy of actors, their games, the contrast and variety they give to the play. They make it insanely exciting! Each of them is so unique, so different, so unpredictable, so colorful, so beautiful.
They all play to the best of their current abilities, with who and what they are. There is no right or wrong by experiences, emotions, actions, reactions, intentions. Everything can be loved because love is all encompassing, it only includes and embraces.

Concretely, it means I am constantly watching what is happening in my body and mind. Being aware of what inner state I am in, so that I can decide how to behave. This enables me to watch out for compulsive behaviors and to choose to remain with, observe and process the feelings and emotions, instead of diverting my attention with food, porn, masturbation, internet browsing.

This also means repeatedly getting lost in emotions and coming back to my center, to being an observer, cooling down again.
This means being patient. With myself. With others.

This means being loving. Embracing this other core value, unconditional love. A love that encompasses everything, that does not have boundaries. That loves "the good, the bad, the ugly" and everything in between.
It’s divine in that it loves it all. This what I am cultivating. Awareness is so key there, it enables me to see what stands between me and the world. What prevents this flow of divine energy.

For example, often it is a very rigid ego, sometimes it is pain through anger and resentment, sometimes it is a tyrannical attitude (forcing things, trying to bend people and situations into a certain outcome or scenario).

This love is an energy, which exactly what I am feeling inside, when I am aware. It requires me to relax and listen. Relax and listen. Relax and feel.
In this relaxed and alert state, I feel love / energy flows freely in my, and thus out of me.
I feel connected to myself and to the world.

There is not conflict, there is flow. There is energy, movement, dynamism, change.
This is what also enables me to be assertive in a relaxed way. To lead gently, "an iron hand in a velvet glove" as the motto goes in French.

I also use focused physical exercise as a way to keep connected with my body and with my mind. It keeps my mind clear, the energy flowing in me and often has me out of my head (where often details turn into problems turn into nightmares).

Movement is key and is a core value I instill in my family as well, encouraging my wife and daughter to move, finding various ways to be active, thus healthy.

Finally, I take it all a step at the time, focusing on progressing, learning, growing. I remember that it is about the process, and not about events. It is about about the daily actions, repeated over and over that compound and make a huge difference over time.
It is about making use of every moment and opportunity it brings to grow a better person.


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