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PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:59 am 
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Went for a massive hike today and I was chatting to a friend who's into some spiritual stuff.

He was talking about sitting in the shadows and really allowing yourself to feel the uncomfortable.

I had already had this realisation, that I needed to really sit inside the pain for a bit, allow it to break apart.

So it was a good day. We discussed value systems and while his spiritual explanations have never really resonated with me, I found an intersection between his thoughts and my own realisations.

The good news is that I am a step closer to realising that the pain is part of the healing process, it is something I need to go through.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 4:26 am 
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Have pretty much spent this week assessing my values against a decision to a party.

Typically, I would act out after these events. Content here has helped me to reframe the experience.


I have a plan.

No excessive consumption
No after parties
No p.

If I really can't handle things, and have to m
I will. I don't want to do that, but that's the plan

This aligns with the exercise I'm up to.

I have an escort fantasy.

I'll typically search through web galliers, spending time.findimg the right pics.

THis fantasy is much stronger when I go to these events.

The time fileter might relate to getting home and releiving myself.

The habitation might relate to needing new pics. And the intensity relates to how much I can fantasize about the entire transaction.

If I get make it through tonight, I'll be making a huge leap.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:05 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
TP
you wrote
Quote:
I am, out of control.


further demonstrating that fact by
Quote:
If I really can't handle things, and have to m
I will. I don't want to do that


you are giving control over to your addiction, but your addiction is not some other entity, you are your addiction hence realise that if you really do want recovery then you are your own worst enemy

IMO you need to choose what you do want, being half pregnant is not possible
do you really want recovery?
Only you know
I am not looking for you to answer me , your answer will be evident to you and all who use this forum by the work you do herein in the coming weeks and months

as they say
watch this space

:pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 7:37 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 61
Kenzo wrote:
TP
you wrote
Quote:
I am, out of control.


further demonstrating that fact by
Quote:
If I really can't handle things, and have to m
I will. I don't want to do that


you are giving control over to your addiction, but your addiction is not some other entity, you are your addiction hence realise that if you really do want recovery then you are your own worst enemy

IMO you need to choose what you do want, being half pregnant is not possible
do you really want recovery?
Only you know
I am not looking for you to answer me , your answer will be evident to you and all who use this forum by the work you do herein in the coming weeks and months

as they say
watch this space

:pe:


As always - ty Kenzo

I have not been posting in this forum and prioritising my study here. I try not to care about streaks but I am on 13 days ATM

However I have been taking action - examples

Posting 5 minute reflections in another journal
Writing in my own personal journal
Practising mediation
Being really damn busy enjoining and living my life
Avoiding triggers like alcohol
Thinking about my values, how they intersect with my choices
Listening to to audio books - example, the power of vulnerability
Socialising and gardening

I overcame an urge in a very vulnerable state. I was experiencing external pressure on a number of fronts. I had a drink and half a joint and got home and played GTA. Embarrassingly, I went to the strip club in GTA > da fuck? Anyway, I saw some cyber titty and got aroused, but I stopped myself.

Since then, I have calmed and I feel great. I now realize that I am afraid when I am having those urges that the feeling of wanting the release will not end, but it does. Now I feel really good.

I am really looking forward to the urge awareness and control part.

I have one of those experiences where I typically act out coming up. It's going to be a big night, and TBH, I am not confident. So much fantasy is linked up to it.

A few things I could do.

Go back and re read the fantasy stuff on RN
Start to draft a plan
Have the plan written down
Make sure everything is blocked on my phone or just not have my phone
Not go (fake sickness)
Come here before I act out and rally the troops.
Use the emergency button
Read lots this week, research lots to build a shield.

I don't even care it's 13 days it means little. I need to make longterm progress.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 03, 2019 7:06 pm 
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Posts: 61
I had another relapse. I went to a milestone birthday with an open bar and got some terrible news while very drunk.

I had a massive event the next weekend where I normally relapse and so I selected to not recover for that week out of selfishness.

I am now working on limiting the consumption of booze and sitting in the uncomfortable feelings for a while.

I finished a couple of books, the power of vulnerability, and I am reading another called breaking the habit of being you.

One thing that I now realise is that I need to add self-belief into the mix. I have never really backed myself in my recovery.

Thinking about my goals, right now I can say with certainty that beating this, and ending poly addiction is number one priority.

I am meditating often, and journalling every day in my paper diary. So i am building some great habits. 4 Days in. i will continue workshop exercises from tomorrow.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:23 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 140
Hi TP,

After reading your thread, I thought it might be worth commenting overall.
You have set yourself goals & values and you need to keep them at the forefront of your mind, your slips are frequent and I think you know why, there is nearly always the same trigger, which you mention:

Quote:
Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances
- I will not consume mind-altering substances
- I will reduce my alcohol intake


If you continue with the RN workshop, it will help you deal with triggers and relapses, there are detailed lessons on how to, further down the road.
BUT you have to want to give up and you have to put the time in and change your lifestyle, believe me it is worth it.

Regards
T

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2019 1:28 am 
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Posts: 61
Theseus1112 wrote:
Hi TP,

After reading your thread, I thought it might be worth commenting overall.
You have set yourself goals & values and you need to keep them at the forefront of your mind, your slips are frequent and I think you know why, there is nearly always the same trigger, which you mention:

Quote:
Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances
- I will not consume mind-altering substances
- I will reduce my alcohol intake


If you continue with the RN workshop, it will help you deal with triggers and relapses, there are detailed lessons on how to, further down the road.
BUT you have to want to give up and you have to put the time in and change your lifestyle, believe me it is worth it.

Regards
T


Hi

TY for taking the time to read my journal. I very much appreciate it.

I am doing really poorly overall. I am now on a 5 day streak, and I have stopped alcohol for a week. I have also stopped going to parties, I turned two down this week (I perform at them but they are massively triggering). I feel I am leaning into, not away form my family through my choices.

I am meditating twice a day ATM, and I am acutely aware that I need to focus on my goals and values and that I simply am not. I don't believe I want it enough yet.

Part of me feel very much out of control, lost and unable to anchor. Like there is an inability - it's a fear I need to unpack.

I am currently listening to an audio book called Solving for Happy and it's really helping me.

I am going to put pen to paper and really dig into some of my goals, a future state and an action plan. I will review my thread here as I have completed some work here already.

Yes, I am very keen to get to the triggering and urge management part. I am currently interested in fostering discipline as part of my practice. I am also keen to move moment to moment,.

I just saw something trigging on social media and I stopped myself. A small victory, I will take it.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2019 7:30 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 61
Exercise 17

A compulsive ritual I engage in relates to Poly Addiction.

It has already been noted here that I seem to always slip when under the influence. It has taken me longer than I;d like to connect these dots.

I have an outwardly good life, well paying job, nice house, loving family. But there is a cost. How do I deal with those stressful weeks at work? What about those unresolved habits I developed around binge drinking as a teenager?

There are other elements - fantasy. Seeing someone with a hotter wife, feeling disappointed that my own wife doe snot hit the gym.

As I improve my relationship with myself, so do I improve it with my wife.

Last night we laughed a lot after watching a film and made love. I did this after turning down going to a party where I knew I would get intoxicated.

I also turned down one the night before. I play music and this can leave me in some very vulnerable states to my addictions.

there are other elements, orgasm of course. A little bit of danger - although my wife would laugh if she caught me as she has in the past. Accomplishment plays a part. I feel like it's a reward, something a deserve for my hard work.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 4:17 am 
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Posts: 61
I had another reset but I am now on 7 days.

I completed the lesson 19. I also completed a 21 day meditation course, and have clocked up over 60 meditations sessions or over 10 hours this year.

So that coincided with today's lesson, which is about awareness

I am also not drinking and avoiding situations that will lead to a relapse like certain parties. trying to put all my sexual energy into my wife and avoid fantasy.

Today was a little tough as I noticed women more intently, my brain seems to go a bit intense when I see an attractive woman. I don;t know if it;s just me, but I notice women smiling at me more - even had two giggle past me today looking at me whole time.

It's probably all superficial but I feel better as I always do.

Trouble is times like this I start to question my relationship a little. But I was there for my wife when she needed me recently as I should be. Being there for each other is what it's all about.

I would like to know what people think about using just M and not porn in small controlled doses to relive sexual tension. I have not yet done this, I have read others that say this is a good method, and My AP on another site has used this to heal a bunch of P addiction. My feeling is that it;s a dangerous path,


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2019 7:13 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi TP
Quote:
I would like to know what people think about using just M and not porn in small controlled doses

Can an addict actually do this?
certainly in early recovery I believe not, we permit ourselves a small dose but that does grows as we kid ourselves that we are in control
When I was in early / mid recovery I decided to test myself and test my recovery resolve by masturbating but not to completion
who the F was I kidding
I was simply feeding my addiction
I decided not to M again and you know what, I did not become ill ,
for sure nobody here on RN is going to tell what to or what not to do, that is your choice
choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2019 8:05 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 61
Kenzo wrote:
Hi TP
Quote:
I would like to know what people think about using just M and not porn in small controlled doses

Can an addict actually do this?
certainly in early recovery I believe not, we permit ourselves a small dose but that does grows as we kid ourselves that we are in control
When I was in early / mid recovery I decided to test myself and test my recovery resolve by masturbating but not to completion
who the F was I kidding
I was simply feeding my addiction
I decided not to M again and you know what, I did not become ill ,
for sure nobody here on RN is going to tell what to or what not to do, that is your choice
choose wisely


Cheers mate - appreciate the wise words.

I have been updating my no fap journal, mainly being down on myself for not putting more effort in here. Just trying to hold myself to account. Had a slip since my last post here. I have been thinking about the next exercise and I have this kinda stressful thing at work and I am going to use that as the example. I will write it privately and get rid of it.

I have been down on myself about not doing harder effort at actually recovery efforts, but I gotta say, mostly my life is really fucking great. I am not about 6months in to consistently having solid streaks of between 10 and 30 days. Now I know that by some standards that's not healthy recovery, compared to where I was at, this is great news. I have also recently flipped some switch in my head. When I think of acting out, the first thing I think about is how shit I will feel after - and why I am better off not doing it. Why my life is already ok, and that a bit of pain is ok to deal with, without using P. So I think a lot of the lessons here have really rubbed off (pun), and I am keen to complete it. Even if it takes me another year.

I have a goal too - free by 40. I am 39 so have a bout 6 months to really clean up my act. The truth is though I am not putting real energy into recovery (to the standards I pick up on from the workshop). I guess I am just also actually enjoying my life. I may be numbing a bit with some tv, but I have been doing all sorts of cool stuff like juggling, guitar, martial arts and I am about to go skiing again. I have solid friends, who I am grateful and a great family. I am super lucky. Meditation has helped more than anything.

So you know, not all bad news! I am not going anywhere though.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi TP
Quote:
The truth is though I am not putting real energy into recovery



that my friend is your choice, but I'v e got to say it is not good choice
so ask yourself why?

believe me when I say that recovery bring great benefits, the alternative brings only harm

Please choose wisely, what do you have to lose?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2019 7:04 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 61
Kenzo wrote:
Hi TP
Quote:
The truth is though I am not putting real energy into recovery



that my friend is your choice, but I'v e got to say it is not good choice
so ask yourself why?

believe me when I say that recovery bring great benefits, the alternative brings only harm

Please choose wisely, what do you have to lose?


Thanks. That was me just trying to be super honest with myself.

I think I'm now ready to put some actual effort in again and prioritise recovery. I just don't want to be the person I am when I watch porn.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2019 7:10 pm 
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Posts: 61
Exercise 20, draft.

What role would addiction play in my life, divorce.

I've selected divorce because if I don't heal, I may end up with a broken family. Not directly because of porn, but because of my behaviour.

The initial weeks would be the hardest. I don't have any savings to fall back on and I'd need to find somewhere to sleep. I'd probably stay at home as I heard moving out makes custody harder.

Anger, shame, worthlessness, and many other emotions would rise. I'd feel a lot of pressure to drink, to party, to forget. This would lead me to come home feeling like 'what's the point'. I would quickly descend into a binge.

If I were able to focus on habbits, on building routine, and looking at my values, keeping up with meditation, and applying gratitude, I may have a chance. I would need to consider the consequence of my actions.

A big fantasy for me is escorts. I have looked at the web pages for years. If I was going through divorce, I would see this as a chance to visit them. I think that would only lead to more sexual issues.
--------------

Last night I did a martial arts class. I have not had a drink for 8 or 9 days and I am learning heaps at work. I have some good goals and I am excited.

The work on this site is also very important to me. I finished a technical book recently, and it has encouraged me to finish things.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 21, 2019 7:44 am 
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I have been on the edge of trying. Days of no porn, and a slip.

I have a couple of weeks off and I am going to use that time to prioritize my RN work.

I've been pretty active, and started materials arts. I have a new job to go to and things are well with the business. Overall things have been great. There has been some uncertainty with these things too. This has caused me to regulate my emotions the best way I know how. I am getting better at recognizing an emotional state and working through it, also sitting inside of it.


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