Recovery Nation

[stevew]

1. If you do not know how to role play, learn. Ask about it in the forums, pick up a book on visualization...this is too valuable of a tool to not master. It will provide you with the ability of not only mastering situations now, but in maintaining your proficiency down the road.

2. For each of the next three days, find an opportunity to complete each of the three skills mentioned in this lesson: role-playing/visualization; anticipating; actively seeking opportunity. It doesn't matter what you apply these skills to--even if the behaviour is unrelated to sexual addiction.

3. When you feel that you are proficient with how to use each of these skills, say so in your recovery thread.

Role Play:
I have had a really hard stressful day at work. I come home and nobody is in, nothing on the TV of interest so I turn to the computer. I switch it on and power it p. Now comes a clear choice do I go to a porn site to stimulate me or to a news/sports site. Now I want stimulation of my mind so I am likely to turn off the computer and read a book. Before I would just surf around or head to sites I knew where I could get instant ratification. Now I can look at the value of what I am doing before I do it.
2. Anticipation: Now I have the anticipation of my weekly monitoring sessions, I can review what I have been doing on my laptop and also refine what I need to do before the ‘ritual’ of posting each Friday. I make my own Special time to reflect on a Friday where I can lock myself away for an hour or more to reflect on his week and the week ahead.
3. Actively Seeking: I have been doing this for a while. Since I slipped 8-9months ago my partner and I have a regular time when we chat about my recovery. We talk of course a lot at other times but this is a special time reserved just for talking about this. Recently my partner has noticed I have become more distant to her, which she feels might be a sign of me having slipped, I need to reassure her this is not he case, and need to pay more attention to her, maybe increase the times we talk about my recovery rather than just the once a week.

[stevew]

Exercise 50
A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

The values I have made help me make value based decisions. I use in my head the points system I have made which values the positives against the negative value of an activity. If the negatives outweigh the positive then I will not carry through that particular activity. I have also transferred this over to work as well. Work is now not the most important thing to me as it was before when I found porn as a stress relief at times.

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

The only positive is the temporary feel good factor by releasing tension built up but after that I would feel guilt about what I had done and then go on a downer, I would then lie to cover up my tracks. The positive only would last for a few moments whereas the negative would last for a lot longer (hours sometimes days)

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

If I did keep going on with emotion based decisions I would lose any value I had in myself. I would lose my self respect and possibility my partner certainly her trust and respect. I would not focus on what is important in life. I can see myself as a “sad old man” with just my computer for company just staring at a screen for hours on end. I hope value based decisions means I will not slip into that sort of nightmare

[stevew]

Been struggling a little with lesson 51, I think that it just looked rather a lot to take in, also I have had problems with my lap-top which has stopped hindered me. Wanted to post something as i don't want the thread to hang for so long. Think I ubderstand lesson 51 now(hope so) so i can carry on and post soon.

[stevew]

Decision-Making: Identifying the Options

This looks really daunting at first and I have been trying to collect my thoughts on how to tackle this:

Compulsive Ritual

1. Alone at home
2. Bored, turn on the computer
3. Log into a web-cam site
4. Sign in to web cam site
5. Look for available women
6. Log-into their cam-room
7. Start chatting
8. Pay tokens for them to perform
9. Masturbate to organism

10 Sign off and feel guilty


Options for the above scenario
1. Carry on with the ritual
2. Do something else if bored read don’t switch on the computer
3. Switch on the computer but go to a safe site
4. Play Tiger Woods 2008!!
5. Phone my partner to talk things through

Options through filtering
1. Not an option anymore, doing my points based value assessment will show me that the short term value does not outweigh the long term consequences
2. Remains an option, plenty of things to do around the house also with the lighter summer evenings can do things in the garden, also get plenty of books from the library so always have an option of reading
3. Can be an option would have to go through filter 1 before trusting myself to do this
4. Always an option but can get frustrated when things go wrong but can always swear at the computer!!!
5. Good option, always available to speak and share things

Anticipating the Consequences
Option 1
Most likely consequences if choosing option 1
Initial excitement and buzz followed by a feeling of disappear that I have let myself, my partner and my values down. I period of self analyse on why my values might have failed. Financial consequences

Most Likely consequences if I don’t choose option 1
Pride in myself, values I have are working, more time to do something else, not having to hide things, improved finances

Most likely consequences if choosing option 1 and it is discovered:
Feeling of letting me and partner down, my partner finishes the relationship, emotional problems for me if this happens

Most likely consequences if choosing option 1 and it is not discovered
Fear of discovery, lying to cover my tracks, because I have got away with it once will do it again.

Option 2
Most likely consequences if choosing option 2
Feeling my values have worked, spending time doing something useful, being able to relax

Most Likely consequences if I don’t choose option 2
Chances are will turn on the computer and might go to a porn site
I do not allow the Values to work then get into the negative feelings of choosing option 1

Most likely consequences if choosing option 2 and it is discovered:
And most likely consequences if choosing option 2 and it is not discovered:
Mostly the same, positive feelings as I have used my time in a better way, my values have worked.

Option 3&4

Most likely consequences if choosing option 3&4
I can put them together I think as I will be using the computer in another way, a negative might be that I am wasting my time when I should be doing something else but at least it is not porn

Most Likely consequences if I don’t choose option 3&4
Chances are will turn on the computer and might go to a porn site
I do not allow the Values to work then get into the negative feelings of choosing option 1

Option 5
Most likely consequences if choosing option
As we don’t live together this would mean phoning. It means my partner feels part of the recovery, she can share my concerns and worries (which she wants to do) we do this on a regular weekly basis where we only discuss my recovery and nothing else for a period of time we set.

Most likely consequences if not choosing option
Might revert to using the computer to access porn if my values fail

I hope I have done enough work on this as I did find it rather difficult at first look but easier as I went through it

[stevew]

Decision-Making: Isolating the Emotions

I am not sure if I am on the right lines but an occasion where me personally had to isolate my emotions to make a decision came when my son who was born with a heart defect had to have major heart surgery to enable him to have a proper healthy life (he has had to have another recent operation but he is now old enough to decided these things himself. The deliberation was difficult weighing up the pros and cons but was not the real emotional point. It was carrying him to the theatre for his operation and then handing him over to entrust to a stranger (doctor) I remember then having to curb my emotions (I think I must have been isolating them) so I could hand him over, It would have been easy to be selfish and not gone ahead, it is one of the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, the fact that I could isolate the pain meant a better life for him. As I said at the start I am not sure if this is a good example to use as it is very personnel to me, and even writing this down brings back powerful emotions which are difficult to contain

[stevew]

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values--and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values--and therefore, a healthy act.

This Is Difficult one for me at the moment or maybe an easy one to answer. I have recently had a vasectomy so I have to have ejaculated at least 24 times in the past 8 weeks until I can send a sample in to make sure I am clear. As my partner can’t use contraception now I am limited in how it happens so that is within my values as it has to be done. If I used porn to masturbate that would be against my values and so would not be healthy and would cause me concern as a destructive act.

In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

Fantasy/explicit
Using a chat room to look for girls using images to gain relief from tension, getting girls to act out a fantasy, paying them to act out a fantasy
Using the computer and not going to a porn site/chat room:
Sense of accomplishment that my values work, pride, feeling good about myself long term.

Fantasy/Romantic

Going into a chat room and establishing a relationship with a girl, using e-mail/msm or other means to establish the relationship, speak to her outside the confines of the chat room. This is worse that the previous example. In the first I feel I can almost justify it if my values do not work, here I am cheating purely and simply as I am creating a relationship with a person. Here is guilt on cheating my partner, loss of respect for myself and hurt for myself when I come out of my stupid fantasy and see it or what it is a paid relationship

Fantasy/romantic
Be romantic with my partner, tell her I love her, and spend time with her: Feel good about myself as the relationship is strong.
Hard to transmit true feelings rather than he virtual ones when on-line. But the benefits are far greater, such as love and trust

[stevew]

A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?
A few months ago an old Friend of mine retired from work. There was a chance to keep in touch with them if I wished, because my partner did not like the woman or her perceived ideas of my relationship with her , I decided not to keep in contact with the person. This was a valued based judgement balancing the importance it meant to my partner with the opportunity to keep alive an old friendship.
Negative Consequences
Not being able to keep in touch, loss of friendship, loss of keeping up with family developments, here and mine, loss of other friends and useful contacts that I had through our friendship, ideas that I might be controlled by my partner

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?
A year ago I brought a new car which I knew I couldn’t really afford to keep. I did it as an emotional decision rather than a value based decision, if it had been valued based I would not have thought about buying it let alone buy it.
The positive consequences have been:
Happiness every time I get into the car and sink it to the deep leather seats. Joy when I am driving it and the extra power it has. Prestige at driving a marquee car, Pride looking at the car in my driveway and feeling good about it and what I have achieved in getting it.
These are possibly not very strong examples but I wanted to get away from decisions around porn and the use of porn and try to relate o decisions I have made on a different level to see if my values work though every decision I make.

[stevew]

Exercise 55
Practical decision making: past

I thought I would put something down in my thread to make sure I am on the right lines:
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time
Yes it was after my partner had a major operation and I seeked out something to release tension I had felt over the weeks. I used an on-line chat site and found a woman to link up with.

2) How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event--BEFORE you chose to act on it?
The emotions were intense before I decided to act, I had been coping for months, but I think in some strange way I felt left out when the operation had finished and was successful, I needed someone else to talk to as I think I was jealous of the attention my partner was getting, I felt lonely and directionless.

3) At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?

I looked to my values not at the time as I would not have entered into the relationship (on-line only) if I had. I realised myself that it was wrong after a couple of weeks and I ended it.

4) After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)

I felt on a high for a week or slightly longer then I began to realise what I was doing and why I was doing it. When I had evaluated my actions I stopped within another week
5) In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences--even if benign?

As I said previously I managed to evaluate after a week and realised that the value of what I had was far greater than what I stood to lose.

6) If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
My partner found out by checking my computer after I had finished the relationship. I realise now that I should have trusted her by telling her I had slipped but had stopped by using my values, rather than trying to hide it and her finding out. I should have realised that she was prepared for me to slip and I should have been honest and talked it through with her as I would now if it happened again

[stevew]

This seems like a good place to review where I am again. I have not posted on here for over two weeks. In that time I have been relaxed and feel I have not been challenged in my values, although it might happen without me realising that i evaluted my values anyway. I feel I have matured through the site and have grown into what I hope is a more trustworthy person also willing to admit to mistakes that I might make in the future. I have had a conversation with my partner about carrying on with what I am doing on here. I will carry on because the trust I have in myself is still fragile so I need to reiterate and redefine my values on a rolling basis to make sure they cover all eventualities that might come my way

[stevew]

Defining the situation

I have time to spare so log onto the computer, I hover around the internet knowing that I really want to go to a chat site, I give into the urge so log-on to a chat site. I look around he site looking for someone I might like, I find them and log-into the chat page and after a while start talking to them, I might talk a lot, showing off, they will show interest in me as they see it as a means of raising money, but in my mental state I will not realise this, eventually after a lot of foreplay I might ask them to perform for me. Of course this will cost me money. I will feel heighten sexual stimulation but will not Msb. I will then log off and think about what has happened in my mind and re-run things. Then I might Msb.

Evaluating the options.
They are quite clear:
1 I carry on with the ritual
2. I don’t carry on:
Options from my action plan will be
3. Don’t go on the computer if I am bored always go on for a reason, select another exercise o take away the boredom, such as reading, exercise.
4. Telephone my partner and talk to her about the temptation I feel

3) evaluate the potential consequences of the option(s) that you choose

The consequences of option 1 would be sexual gratification followed by remorse over what I had done. The values based decision making I have in place will rule out this option as the potential of what I have to gain over what I could lose weighs heavily in favour of not taking the option
The other options will make me feel good that I did not use the computer. Exercise can take my mind of the frustration, and reading can exercise my mind. Talking to my partner will reemphasize where my values are based.

As I get further and further away from using Porn as a stimulus it becomes harder to remember the triggers I had to use porn as a stimulus. But the action plan can be transferred to other situations such as nudity on television and how I handle that to sitting on the beach in summer and the possibility of topless women on the beach. I think I need revisit my action plans again to expand them to expand them to include other scenarios that might occur as I feel I am still to focused on the one particular aspect of using porn chat rooms rather than focusing on wider issues

[stevew]

Exercise 58 part 1

Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behaviour; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making

1. Feeling stressed and overwhelmed, feeling tired not being as healthy as I should be:
Immediate action: I take time to identify why I am feeling stressed, I will use my monitoring plan to manage my feelings, if time permits I will go to the gym for a positive reaction to feeling unhealthy, also this will lead to a positive feeling tired through exercise. I will plan my time in a better way, and use my mind rather than let it drift such as reading.
Anticipated emotions. Depressed, annoyed, frustration.
Likely mind games.
I can be lazy today and get back to things tomorrow, what harm it will do to let things drift a bit; I can get aback to the exercise soon.

I will add to this the next time I can

2 I do something that will upset my partner so lie or minimize what I tell her

Immediate action: I stop and think, go to my action plan and weigh up why I am lying. If I lie and she finds out it will breakdown he trust we have built up in the past year, better to tell the truth, than hide a lie. I think about why I am lying, what the consequence of what I might have done will have. I write down the truth before I start to construct a web of lies in my head. Remember I am not a good liar and will be found out!!
Likely mind-games: I have not done much wrong, it will only be a small lie, it will hurt her more by telling the truth, she will never find out (I know she will!!)

4. 3 Accessing chat rooms: I stop to think why I am doing his, I look at values/actions from plan 1, I will stop myself doing this by looking at my values, writing down the pros and cons of logging on, by this time the urge to log on will have passed.
Likely mind games: It doesn’t matter I will get on track again tomorrow, its no big deal, I can stop myself doing this at any time, what harm is it doing.

[stevew]

Compulsive buying

Imidiate action:
Stop to think, do I really need to buy this, can I afford it, look at my finances, and look at my values to make sure I buy what I need.
Anticipated emotions
Feeling of high that I have got what I want, followed by depression when I realise I can’t afford it. Can then lead to using porn as a way to forget, to relive the stress.
Likely Mind games
I can pay for it next month, it will be gone if I don’t buy it now, there will not be another like it

It might seem strange using an example like this, but I know from bitter experience that outside pressure such as money problems can have an effect on me if I am not strong, it can lead to using porn as a release to my troubles which only leads to more expense because of what I am doing online so can get into a circle which is hard to break.

[CoachCheryl]

It might seem strange using an example like this, but I know from bitter experience that outside pressure such as money problems can have an effect on me if I am not strong, it can lead to using porn as a release to my troubles which only leads to more expense because of what I am doing online so can get into a circle which is hard to break.

[stevew]

It has taken me a long time to realise that the recovery is not just about my ability to block out porn. I know now that outside pressures do need to have a plan to cope with, immediate gratification is now something that I need to try to eradicate from my life, the problem that I have had is that it has led to me losing the spontaneity which is an essisteanal part of our relationship. Now I have to plan everything out in my head before I do things. I hope to be able to adjust in time so I can get the spontaneity back as I realise I am not as much fun as I used to be and the relationship has slipped because of that.
Thank you coach Cheryl for your comments, it’s nice to have somebody reiterate what I am thinking. I also feel confident enough in what I am doing to be able to dip in and out of the workshop, not having a rigid routine fordoing each exercise.

[stevew]

Outside stress from work
This is part of other ritual but is specific at the moment as there is great uncertainty over people’s jobs. As a manager I have a responsibility to other staff to inform and deflect as much pressure away from them over job cuts. It’s important I recognise this for what it is which can be a trigger to use porn.

Immediate action:
Make sure that I do not take problems home, do not use the computers at work to access any materials this could lead to dismissal anyway. Keep the problems at work do not take them away, use a box system and file it away until it can be dealt with in a positive way.

Anticipated emotions: low emotions, wanting to escape pressure by using porn. High for a short while, but the problems will not go away, it will still be there for a while.

Likely Mind games: I can deal with this by escaping into porn. It will make me stronger and be able to think more clearly, what harm will it do.

Again with this the action plan will be the same as the others although in a slightly different context, in that it is a long term emotion rather than an impulse action, need to make sure my plan is able to cope with this new challenge