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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 8:55 pm 
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Lesson 1

A 1. I am actively committed to change. Over a year of counseling & 1 year & 2 months since I last acted out and 1 year since I viewed porn (all of it removed from the house).

2. I still have my moments of guilt & shame, but with these lessons, I know I will overcome the guilt & shame.

3. After being sexually abused by a male “friendÂâ€Â


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 Post subject: Lesson 2
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:29 pm 
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Lesson 2

Common Patterns Observed in a Healthy Recovery

IÂ’m basically in early recovery, so I can very much relate to the negative emotions IÂ’ve been having along with some depression & anxiety. The aftermath of lesson 1 showed me that.

Yes, IÂ’ve even kept porn hidden away, just to test myself, thinkingÂ…Â…I wonÂ’t look at it. Well, I flunked that test. What was I thinking? I was trying to fool myself into thinking I could have it but not look at it or act out. My wife and therapist saw right through that one. Geez, why couldnÂ’t I.

Common Patterns Observed in an Unhealthy Recovery

Having just started with the Recovery Nation process, my desire is to be a part of the 3rd group. IÂ’m committed to this. It is for my highest and best good. I may not see the whole big picture yet, but If I take it just one day at a time, that day will turn into weeks, into months, into years, etc.

Those who will continue to struggle with relapse.

I know I minimized my behavior, primarily to deal with the anxiety of dealing with my behavior. But, IÂ’m working to overcome my anxiety over the opportunities to act out. And that leads to the question of whether or not IÂ’ll be able to control these urges to act out. Well, I know I have to change my thinking and try to step outside of myself. I donÂ’t want to just establish the appearance of change (IÂ’ve tried that and it does not work), I want to change.

So while I see some of me continuing to struggle with relapse, I also see some of me as Occasionally Struggling with Relapse.

Having grown up under the “fear of not being good enoughÂâ€Â


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:07 pm 
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Lesson 3

A.
IÂ’d go for a couple of weeks without P&M (porn & masturbation). This would go on for several times a year, but IÂ’d go back to it like a moth to a flame. Why I failed – the urges were always to great and there was always more porn out there I hadnÂ’t seen yet. There never was a palpable ending to my so called “recovery effortÂâ€Â


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 2:44 pm 
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Posts: 90
Lesson 4

A. HereÂ’s what I believe contributed to my compulsive behavior/addiction.

1. Being abandoned by my birth parents, taken to an orphanage by social services and spending the first year and a half of my life in the orphanage.
2. Feeling abandoned when mom (adoptive mom) went to church camp for a week & I spent the week with a family from the church.
3. Being sexually abused by a same gender (male) pedophile at age 10.

Thus the secret life of acting out – it was a safe haven for me. I have since always, questioned people in authority. Trust and abandonment issues are huge for me, especially with women. So go figure. I have more women friends, than men friends. I see it this way – women friends I can keep at a distance (so I don’t get hurt), while men friends – the fewer the better, due to trust issues (so I don’t get hurt).

Additional events/behaviors include dad (adoptive dad) slipping me his tongue while drying me off after taking a bath at age 6 or 7.

In trying to prove myself to others over the years, I’d get angry if things didn’t go the way I thought they should – my way. Thus I’ve had anger issues to deal with, which is also a trigger to act out and feel safe.

Acting out has been a double edge sword – if I perceive something happening to me as bad, acting out was comforting. If I perceived something happening to me as good – acting out was rewarding. I know I’m rambling on here, but the stuff is just flowing out. Right or wrong, I don’t believe I was consciously aware of my behavior over the years. Acting out became a mindless habit/addiction.

B. The difference between an urge I can control & one I cannot. Let’s see – I can control an urge when I’m mentally in tune with myself and look at the situation without any blinders. I see the whole picture. I can’t control the urge when I just have tunnel vision and immediate gratification is the goal. Note: I am gaining ground on this issue of control.

C. Resulting significant consequences of my addiction have been that I’ve hurt the ones I love the most. I haven’t participated in family life or work life – getting fired (anger issues) didn’t wake me up. I passed, on the opportunities for healing, spiritual growth and living each day to the fullest. I haven’t been true to myself or honest with myself. I thought I was a loving, caring person, but I was only fooling myself. Don’t get me wrong here – I’ve done some worthwhile things in my life. But as I look back, I’ve been a selfish SOB. It’s always someone else’s fault, not mine. Always taking the easy way out and not accepting responsibility for my actions. I’m not a bad person but I’ve been a bad person (unhealthy person). Does that make sense?

IÂ’m here to change my life, to be healthy and live healthy.


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 Post subject: Lesson 5
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 11:49 pm 
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Posts: 90
Lesson 5

A. Goals attempted & failed.
I wanted to finish college. Over the years, I tried the state university, then a community college. This goal failed because I choose not to complete the course work. I really didn’t focus on any one major. Wishy – washy, I guess.

On the other hand, I refereed high school football for 20 years. I succeeded because it was something I loved doing. I put in the time and effort, to really be good at it.

NOTE: Failed goals, large or small, over the years, were due to opting for the easy way, not wanting to make the effort necessary to become successful. And sometimes, circumstances beyond my control dictated, both failure and success. Successful goals were attained by hard work & dedication, a willingness to succeed. My heart was in the right place.

B. My first and foremost goal is to be a healthy, non-addictive human being.

My second goal is just as important as the first and thatÂ’s to have a solid relationship with my wife. I choose to be open and honest with her and be the loving and caring husband she thought she married.

My third goal is to get better at my job – not be complacent. I love what I do and I desire to find a mentor.

C. One large recovery task I have is to be fully open and honest with myself and my wife, about my past addictive behaviors. Although I don’t fully understand the emotions, etc. leading to acting out, I want to go back in time and recall as best I can, all the times I acted out. I guess you could say – a personal log. So going back 40 years, I’m thinking of enlisting the help of a qualified hypno-therapist, as I have tried to block out and erase those memories. Perhaps logging it in 5 year increments, as I have 40 years of ground to cover.

Coach Jon – I could use some guidance on item “CÂâ€Â


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 Post subject: Lesson 6
PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 11:05 pm 
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Lesson 6

A. List 5 compulsive actions that have led you to feeling guilty and/or ashamed of yourself because of how it affected another person.

1. I remember once after the sexual abuse started, I felt the urge to masturbate & I acted upon it. I was probably 10 years old. I had just finished & hadnÂ’t zipped up my pants yet when my mom walked into my room. She saw my pants unzipped & told me my fly was open. I said I was sorry and it would never happen again. I lied to my mom. IÂ’m sure she knew it & it must have hurt her deeply.
2. My 1st wife knew something was up and confronted me soon after acting out. She came home early, which surprised me & I was a nervous wreck and it showed. She let me know how ugly that was & how much it hurt her.
3. IÂ’d work a double shift, knowing my 1st wife would be gone when I got home, giving me time to act out. SheÂ’d complain about me being gone all the time. I knew this hurt our relationship and bothered the kids. I didnÂ’t have time for them as well.
4. I made the kids walk to the school bus stop, up the street ¼ mile, instead of driving them (it was cold out) so I could act out sooner than later.
5. I lied to my wife recently (current 2nd wife) about some sex lotion. I came clean about lying, but the damage was done. The pain & hurt I put her through has been awful.

B. I hope to find that what happened to me (addiction/acting out) was something that was only one way of handling my emotions or lack thereof. Tunnel vision, if you will – a mechanical way of dealing with my perception of what life was giving me. I’m beginning to see there are other better ways of dealing with life.
C. I will step outside myself and say that the guilt/shame has no active part in my life. It will not rule who or what I am.
D. Right now no one has attempted to derail my progress by insisting I feel guilt/shame for my past actions. IÂ’ve done that to myself and like I said in item Ââ€Â


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 Post subject: Lesson 7
PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:19 pm 
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Lesson 7

A. Describe 3 times in your life when the Ââ€Â


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 Post subject: Lesson 8
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 10:14 pm 
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Lesson 8

A) Consider ways that your thoughts have been influenced by all or nothing principle.

When I was 18 my father hired a prostitute for me. I was not sexually aroused by this, therefore being intimate scares me.

I have to complete a project at work on time, if I donÂ’t, I feel like a failure.

B) To the following scenarios, describe at least 2 conflicting perceptions (positive/negative) of the event.

1. You file for bankruptcy.
P. I have room to breath, I can refocus my financial energies.
N. IÂ’ll never be able to handle money.

2. After 3 months of abstinence, you go on a masturbation binge.
P. ItÂ’s a relapse, IÂ’m human and IÂ’ll learn from it.
N. IÂ’ll always be addicted to porn & masturbation.

3. While committed to someone else, you meet an attractive person who is attracted to you.
P. I can have a relationship that is non-threatening to my recovery.
N. This could lead to something & I donÂ’t have trust in myself.

4. While NOT committed to someone else, you meet an attractive person who is attracted to you-but that person IS in a committed relationship.
P. I can be a friend to someone & be myself (the non-addictive self).
N. Another sexual object to continue my fantasies.

5. Your sexual behaviors are discovered by people you wanted to hide them from.
P. They care enough to see me get the help I need.
N. I am shamed for life.

6. You are required to seek treatment for your sexual behavior.
P. I now have the help I need to move beyond my addiction.
N. How embarrassing, IÂ’m forced to really look at myself.

C) To the following all or nothing scenarios, identify an ulterior, positive perception to the event:

1. I was given up for adoption by my parents; Even they didnÂ’t want me.
IÂ’ll have new parents whoÂ’ll love me and care for me no matter what.
2. The need to masturbate is overwhelming; I must masturbate.
I recognize I still have a lot of work to do. Change my thinking, I change my life for the better.

3. I have prayed to God to help me stop looking at porn, but even He canÂ’t help me; There must be something terribly wrong with me.
I can and will change my emotional thought processes. I am one of many going through this.

4. I constantly fantasize about sex; I must be a sexual addict.
Thinking & fantasizing about sex with my wife can be a wonderful thing. I choose not to act out.

5. I have betrayed my partner; He/she will never trust me again.
Focus on the partner you have. List all the good qualities you admire about him/her and share that information. My actions will go a long way towards establishing trust.


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 Post subject: Lesson 9
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:42 pm 
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Lesson 9

15 minutes or longer to just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values, your regrets, trauma you have experienced and wonderful moments.

A. Describe emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.
1. Joy & elation – come from achieving personal bests at work, golf & running.
2. Sadness – comes from not having a healthy relationship with my wife.
3. Things that are important – saving the relationship I have with my wife.
4. Regrets – not living up to my “healthyÂâ€Â


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 Post subject: Lesson 10
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:53 pm 
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Posts: 90
Lesson 10

A. Make a list of all places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations:

NONE – it’s been a year since I got rid of the last of my porn. It feels good to have it out of my life.

B. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic objects. List their name/occupation/identifier and the role that they play in your life.

1. Jane Doe/massage parlor/ she got naked to massage me, I didn’t have the money to go all the way. I used to fantasize – what if – early 1970’s.
2. Jane Doe/unknown/ last night of work (laid off), poker party at her house, helped her clean up the place – she took a liking to me – she wanted sex & I chickened out. I used to fantasize – what if?
3. B.C.Â’s 2nd wife/homemaker/nipples showed through swimsuit and p.hair came out the sides of her swimsuit. Would fantasize about that.
4. Strip Bar/ with team members after city league basketball practice.
5. Kathy/legal secretary/friend & we talked a lot, she smelled good and I fantasized about her.
6. Housewife – neighbor lady drove up to the house, I walked up to her car to talk, her skirt was hiked up showing some panty – fantasized.

C. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.

1. Home – watch porn and masturbate, some internet porn use.
2. Hotel – away on business – look at porn magazine & masturbate, sometimes rent videos and masturbate.


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 Post subject: Lesson 11
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 6:16 pm 
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Posts: 90
Lesson 11

List 10 or more values that you hold dear, describe how you feel when you engage in that particular value, list emotions/values elicited and then list a behavior that would contradict it.

1. Value – Being open and honest with myself.
Emotion – Being at ease, peaceful.
Contradiction – Guilt & shame.

2. Value – Being open and honest with my wife.
Emotion – Joy, sense of pride and accomplishment.
Contradiction – Regret, guilt & shame.

3. Value – Being more spiritual
Emotion – At peace with myself and finding joy.
Contradiction – life of sadness & loneliness

4. Value – Active in healthy social activities.
Emotion – Sense of pride and integrity.
Contradiction – alone, self centered, dull, boring.

5. Value – Intimacy.
Emotion – Sharing my life with my wife, feeling alive, closeness and caring.
Contradiction – Stubborn and aloof.

6. Value – Being a good listener.
Emotion – Actively involved, earnest.
Contradiction – Not caring, disrespectful.

7. Value – Respect for others and self.
Emotion – Sense of being, sense of pride and integrity.
Contradiction – Frustration & anger.

8. Value – Being a loving husband.
Emotion – sense of pride, joy, love and caring.
Contradiction – Sadness & loneliness.

9. Value – Quiet reflection.
Emotion – Inner peace and calm.
Contradiction – Turmoil & frustration.

10. Value – Living each day to the fullest.
Emotion – Pride, satisfaction & completeness.
Contradiction – Waste, regret and sadness.


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 Post subject: Lesson 12
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:09 pm 
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Lesson 12

A. Describe a real-life compulsive situation that you have faced and how your values could have helped you control the immediate emotional urge to act out.

After a trip to the dentist, I stop by a porn shop and buy a magazine or a video. In the days that followed, IÂ’d masturbate looking at the porn. It was a way of rewarding myself for taking good care of myself (my teeth). Healthy values of self respect and respect for my wife would have allowed me to not even think about stopping for porn. I could enjoy the drive home and stopped for flowers for my wife. Immediate gratification vs long term healthy choiceÂ….I choose long term healthy choices.

B. The most perfect parent, friend & spouse. All 3 would possess the ability to understand my addiction. They would be compassionate, loving, caring and non-judgmental. I would want them to say, “I understand you have a problem. I am here to help you any way I can. Let me help you find the help you need. I am here to listen and to give you the space you need when you need it.Ââ€Â


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:33 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:13 pm
Posts: 90
New Workshop

I've been away from posting for awhile, but I've recommitted myself to the new workshop. While I've been doing the exercises, mostly weekly instead of daily, I haven't been committed enough to post them. I shall start posting today.


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 Post subject: Month 1, Week 1, Day 1
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:51 pm 
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Month 1; Week 1; Day 1

A. I am now actively committed to change myself. Change myself for a more healthy and positive life. I will not allow guilt or shame to rule my life any longer. I will allow the time it takes to heal all aspects of my life.

B. Reasons why I seek to permanently change my life.
1.To be open and honest with my wife.
2.To be open and honest in all areas of my life.
3.To be a good husband.
4.To be a good father and grandfather.
5.To be emotionally healthy.
6.To have healthy relationships.
7.To discover why healthy relationships scare me.
8.To discover why sexual intimacy is scary to me.
9.To feel good about who I am.
10.To recognize triggers and make healthy choices.
11.To live work and play in an environment of integrity.
12.To be positive in my thoughts.

C. I do have a picture of me when I was 3 or 4 years old. Oh how I cried for this child. I believe this to be my inner child. IÂ’ve started the journey with him for inner peace and understanding. We will work through this together. Both tears of sadness & joy have run down my cheeks of late. I also have a picture of me when I was 12 & IÂ’m so sad in the picture, you can see it in my eyes. I know I have to work through it. I was happy at 3-4 years old. I want to be happy, healthy and in peace.


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 Post subject: Month 1, Week 1, Day 1
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:52 pm 
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Month 1; Week 1; Day 1

A. I am now actively committed to change myself. Change myself for a more healthy and positive life. I will not allow guilt or shame to rule my life any longer. I will allow the time it takes to heal all aspects of my life.

B. Reasons why I seek to permanently change my life.
1.To be open and honest with my wife.
2.To be open and honest in all areas of my life.
3.To be a good husband.
4.To be a good father and grandfather.
5.To be emotionally healthy.
6.To have healthy relationships.
7.To discover why healthy relationships scare me.
8.To discover why sexual intimacy is scary to me.
9.To feel good about who I am.
10.To recognize triggers and make healthy choices.
11.To live work and play in an environment of integrity.
12.To be positive in my thoughts.

C. I do have a picture of me when I was 3 or 4 years old. Oh how I cried for this child. I believe this to be my inner child. IÂ’ve started the journey with him for inner peace and understanding. We will work through this together. Both tears of sadness & joy have run down my cheeks of late. I also have a picture of me when I was 12 & IÂ’m so sad in the picture, you can see it in my eyes. I know I have to work through it. I was happy at 3-4 years old. I want to be happy, healthy and in peace.


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