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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:39 pm 
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Exercise 36.

I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

One time a few years ago. I asked my wife, during a time of us being sexual together, to act out a fantasy with me that she wasn't comfortable with. I knew that she wasn't comfortable, but I was totally caught up in my compulsion and I kept telling her to continue. After it was over I felt terrible and so did she. We shared about what happened afterwards and I realised that my behavior had been completely self centered with no thoughts for her atall. It was extremely painful and I never crossed that line again.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.


Developing solid boundaries in my sex life with my wife has been essential. I still cross lines occasionally. Mostly when I loose myself in the sexual act, or the sex, from my side, crosses the line for a few seconds into compulsive behaviour. I'm establishing boundaries by learning. I'm sometimes a slow learner but the boundaries that I've set have served and will contnue to serve in protecting my value system and deepening into it.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 5:29 am 
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Exercise 37.

To be at peace within myself.

1.I will not make others (including my wife :)) responsible for any lack of peace within myself.
2.I will not allow my negative beliefs or self talk to saboutage my peace.
3.I will not use Alcohol, TV, Food etc as a tranquilizer to avoid stress or negative emotions.
4.I will not allow certain emotions to dictate my decision makeing.
5.I will not trade my values, vision, and integrity for short term gratification.

To deepen the Intemacy in my marriage. On all levels.

1.I will not use sex as a stress relief.
2.I will not lie or eliminate truth.
3.I will not have any other sexual partners.
4.I will not hold my wife responsible for any lack of peace within myself.
5.I will not use my wife as an outlet for any frustration, stress, or tensions that I have.

To grow in maturity on all levels.

1.I will not use Sex, Porn, or masturbation as a emotion managment tool.
2.I will not allow negative beliefs, self talk, or emotions to saboutage my values or vision.
3.I will not allow any form of compulsive behaviour to distract me from my purpose.
4.I will not allow any behaviour that is a means of numbing emotions, stress, or tensions.
5.I will not allow myself to lie, eliminate truth, or hide behavious from myself and my wife.

Absolute boundaries.

1.I will not have sexual relations with any woman other than my wife.
2.I will not use Sex, Masturbation, or Porn as a means to manipulate my emotional state, or discharge stress and tension.
3.I will not act or behave in any way that I cannot openly tell my wife about.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:26 pm 
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Exercise 38.

I have reviewed my boundaries and I think they are good and strong enough to protect my values. I have some difficulty when I imagine something like a death of a family member, or my wife suddenly leaving me for another man. I can say that I think these boundaries are strong enough yet how could I really know? In such extreme events I would be tested to my limits and all boundaries may fail for a short time. Ofcourse, the opposite may happen in that such a traumatic event may actually strenghen my boundaries and values. It's a difficult one to call, but either way would be a huge learning experience.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:44 pm 
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re: "I will not make others responsible for any lack of peace within myself"

I love this...shows great maturity to begin taking full responsibility for one's life.

re: "General guideline boundaries"

Very good. I look for people to understand that boundaries are rules that will be used to protect one's values. You have done well here.

re: "absolute boundaries 1.I will not have sexual relations with any woman other than my wife. 2.I will not use Sex, Masturbation, or Porn as a means to manipulate my emotional state, or discharge stress and tension. 3.I will not act or behave in any way that I cannot openly tell my wife about."

Ok, Bill Clinton. The problem with this boundary (I will not have sexual relations with...) is that to be effective as an absolute boundary--it must be excruciatingly defined. There are so many potential definitions of 'sexual relations'--including a sexualized relationship born purely in fantasy. As a general guide, it works well. As an absolute boundary, I would actually encourage you to scrap # 1 and #2...and use #3 as your absolute boundary. It is general enough to serve as a perfect guide to a variety of behavior (including #1 and #2); and simple enough for you to embrace it as a functional shield against potentially threatening decisions stemming from intense emotions (lust, for instance).

re: "I can say that I think these boundaries are strong enough yet how could I really know?"

Ah, kind of hits the nail on the head there. You can't know. In all of this, you are intellectually understanding things and then establishing your 'best guess' as to what is right. It will take experience to gain the confidence you will need to 'know'. That is why one part of your 'recovery' is to learn the insights...another part to apply them, monitor them, evolve them.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:14 am 
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Here is my first attempt at Exercise 39.

1.The size and form of my penis is important.
2.To much pubic hair is unattractive on men and woman.
3.The shape and size of a womans body is important.
4.Surgical enhancement of womans bodies is ok.
5.Surgically enhanced breasts are attractive to me.
6.If a woman has a perfect body then her looks and personality are not so important.
7.High heel shoes are attractive to me.
8.When a woman wares high heels she is instantly more attractive.
9.Feet are not attractive to me.
10.Long finger nails are attractive.
11.make up is attractive.
12.A womans clothes are important.
13.A woman doesn't need to be attractive, but if she makes the most of herself then that is attractive to me.
14.Tight clothes are sexy.
15.Short skirts and low cut tops are sexy.
16.I worship woman who dress seductivly.
17.The appearence of a womans naked body is important to me.
18.Tits and Ass are the most attractive parts of a womans body.
19.Sexy or attractive woman are not interested in me.
20.Sexy or attractive woman are out of my league.
21.Sexy or attractive woman hold a wish fullfilling gem.
22.I enjoy reciveing oral sex.
23.I enjoy giving oral sex.
24.Anal sex doesn't do it for me.
25.I like to masturbate.
26.Fantasy is pleasurable.
27.I like to be analy stimulated during sex.
28.My wifes orgasm is important to me.
29.I enjoy orgasm.
30.I like to play both the dominant and submissive roles.
31.I like woman to play both the dominant and submissive roles.
32.Asian woman are sexy.
33.Black woman are sexy.
34.White woman are sexy.
35.Young woman are sexy.
36.Some older woman are sexy.
37.I enjoy having mild pain inflicted on my genitals by woman.
38.I enjoy being dominated by woman.
39.I like to use clothes and outfits as part of the sexual act.
40.I enjoy masturbating whilst my partner poses naked.
41.I like to photograph my partners naked body.
42.I like to look at womans bodies.
43.I find it erotic when a woman swallows my sperm.
44.I like it when a woman talks dirty.
45.I find transexuals attractive.
46.Sex with men is not attractive to me.
47.Porn is a safe place to explore my fantasies.
48.Watching porn, Fantasizing, looking at woman in the street are not the same as having a physical sexual encounter.
49.Attraction to woman is natural.
50.The idea of sex with a prostitute is attractive to me.
51.Masturbation in a healthy way is ok.
52.Masturbation in a compulsive way is not ok.
53.Porn is pleasureable and distructive.
54.Pornstars enjoy their work.
55.Pornstars love sex.
56.I am comfortable with the size of my penis.
57.Ejaculating more than twicw a week is unhealthy.
58.I have unfullfilled sexual fantasies.
59.I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a woman.
60.Sex with underage girls is wrong.
61.Sometimes I think it would be great to go to Amsterdam or Thailand and spend a couple of weeks fulfilling every fantasy I have.
62.Sex with a porn actress would be amazing.
63.Porn actresses have superiour technique.
64.Sex with a prostitute would be great because she wouldn't judge you.
65.I am ashamed of some of my past sexual acts and my unfulfilled sexual fantasies.
66.I get pleasure out of pushing my sexual boudaries.
67.I feel shame after pushing my sexual boundaries.
68.I think woman see me as unattractive.
69.I will never have a sexual encounter with a phsically perfect woman.
70.I am scared of attractive woman.
71.I find woman in uniform attractive.
72.I like slutty woman who dress to get attention.
73.Sex outside of a marriage without the consent of the husband or wife is wrong.
74.I am always disappointed if my wife doesn't have an orgasm.
75.I must delay my orgasm until my wife is satisfied.
76.It is wrong to use sex with my wife for selfish purposes.
77.The woman I attract want sex less often that I do.
78.There are some woman who want sex as often as I do.
79.Sex with a stranger is not attractive to me.
80.Attractive woman are only interested in men with looks, power, and money.
81.It would be great to be Hugh Hefner....Just for a few days.
82.Sex with more than one woman would be exciteing.
83.I find dominent woman sexually attractive.
84.Kinky sex is ok if both sides agree to it without manipulation.
85.Woman should take care of themslves....Have nice hair, makeup, grooming etc.
86.For myself... Any form of sexual compulsive behavior (including fantasy) is wrong if I am not willing to share about it openly with my wife (That doesn't make it correct if you are willing to share about it either).
87.Honesty in my relationship is very important.
88.Fantasizing about other woman whilst having sex with my wife is wrong.
89.Getting lost in my own sensations during sex with my wife is wrong.
90.Selfishness in sex is wrong.
91.Porn is self centered sex in that it only deals with male fantasies.
92.Beastiality is wrong.
92.Violence in sex is wrong.
93.I am afraid of my sexuality and what might happen if I ever really let it out.
94.I am perverted.
95.I am hypnotized by porn, the media and the cultural sexual trances.... Some of the time.
96.If I don't go to Amsterdam or Thailand and act out every fantasy I have, a day will come when I'm too old and I'll regret it.
97.I don't actually know how to really turn a woman on.
98.I don't know how to give a woman what she really wants.
99.I have performance axiety.
100.I think that's all for now :-) I've gone for it and it's uncensored.

To be continued........


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:28 pm 
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Pretty tough exercise today. I'm amazed at how many distorted values/beliefs I still have. Didn't really enjoy the excercise because It shows me that I've only really scratched the surface of my addiction. I've alot of work ahead of me still...That's for sure. I have acted out a couple of times recentley. Although I was able to stop on both times I feel like I'm at a cross roads. I could slip back into my old life. That's what will happen if I don't start to address some of the things todays exercise revealed. Or I can use this time as a chance to deepen my recovery, deepen my committment, connect more deeply with my vision and values. I know what I choose. Maybe this whole process isn't going to be as easy as I have been thinking (duh...Said in a Homer Simpson type way). I'm not helpless. Allot of the values/beliefs from todays exercise totally contradict my values and vision. I cannot hold onto these contradictions if I am to become the man I want to be and live the life I want to live. I'm a pacifist, but even the Dali Lama says that some wars are justified/appropriate. If war is what it takes for me to make a full transition to health then bring it on!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:08 am 
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Exercise 39 part 2.

1, I will learn to see woman in a deeper more complete way than just seeing their physical apperance.
2, I will learn to love myself, and re-train my nervous system through healthy masturbation.
3, I will only engage in behaviors that are supportive of the sexual intemacy between myself and my wife.
4, I will investigate any sexual beliefs/values that contradict or are distrutive towards building a healthy life.
5. I will only have sexual activity with my wife.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:24 am 
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Exercise 39 part 3.

Refined origional list (not so many left :)).

1.Attraction to woman is natural.
2.Masturbation in a healthy way is ok.
3.Ejaculating more than twice a week is unhealthy.
4.Sex outside of marriage without the consent of ones partner is wrong...(for me).
5.It is wrong to use sex with my wife for selfish purposes.
6.For myself... Any form of sexual compulsive behavior (including fantasy) is wrong if I am not willing to share about it openly with my wife (That doesn't make it correct if you are willing to share about it either).
7.Honesty in my relationship is very important.
8.Fantasizing about other woman whilst having sex with my wife, is wrong.
9.Getting lost in my own sensations whilst having sex with my wife, is wrong.
10.Selfishness in sex is wrong.
11.Porn is self centered sex in the way that it only deal with male fantasies.
12.Violence in sex is wrong...(for me).


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:06 am 
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Exercise 39 part 4.

As I look back over my first list of sexual beliefs and values, I can see many areas of vulnerability. If I keep these values then the potential for daily obstacles or rituals is high. My second list, my ending, is beautiful to me. It is something sacred that I can work towards. The third list, my foundation, feels like a good place to beggining. I look forward to developing this list as I continue throught the workshop and after that aswell.
My first list is an area that I mustn't disregard. I can't simply drop these beliefs and values because I've spent years and years learning them. I have my own process for investigating stresful beliefs and I will use it here.
This brings me to the main obstacle. Every time I enter a ritual (even for a split second) I am re-enforcing my distorted values and weakening my foundation and work towards my vision for healthy sexual values. As I have so many kinks, distortions and twisted values, the oppertunity for ritual is in my face every time I set foot outside my door. This is where my rituals begin, in daily life. It's the girl with the revealing clothes in the supermarket. It's the girl behind the counter at the bank with the long fench polished finger nails (to name but a fraction of the zillions of triggers). These are the obstacles for me. One thing that is also absolutley necessary is that I stop porn, totally. It is too distructive. The last few days have shown me that...Really! When I indulge this ritual it is the biggest threat to everything I am trying to build and there is, quite simply, no place for it here. Porn is the biggest obstacle but the other, zillion triggers that I face every day are somehow an underpinning of that. These must be attended to if I am to keep moveing in the right direction.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:34 am 
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Exercise 39 part 7.

First I want to say how much I love exercise 39. It's really revealing alot to me. It's going to be a great tool and support in my transition :)

Value for development from my foundation list.

I.Getting lost in my own sensations whilst having sex with my wife, is wrong.

I will allow my wife to direct the lovemakeing process more.
I will be attentative to here needs.
I will not insist on her giving me oral sex everytime we make love.
I will be more aware of any bodily tensions during sex.
I will be more aware of the feelings of pleasure so as to enjoy them but not get lost in them.
I will consider both our needs before requesting anything.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:22 am 
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Wow, for as many conflicts as you have recognized in your work, and even at the cost of a bit of emotional discouragement...I take my hat off to you for your efforts here. Like I said in coaching, these are conflicts that existed whether or not you acknowledged them openly. But now that you have, you have put yourself in a situation to work through them. To isolate and protect those that you want to take with you. We will address any ongoing conflicts in our next session, but in terms of pure effort and integration with the 'reality' of your life...great job.

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Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:23 am 
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Exercise 40.

Funny that this exercise comes up this morning. Me and my wife just had an arguement about boundaries. I'm a little less disciplined with the housework than she is, and this morning was one of those times when I got a telling off.

I. It was a good exercise. Most of her boundaries are similer to mine. One that came up was a sexual boundary. When we met back in 2001 we had quite an adventurus sex life in which we acted out a few fantasies, role play etc. After some time we saw that it wasn't a good foundation for growth in intemacy so we changed our focus to a lovemakeing that we felt was in integrity with our true feelings for each other. We have continued to deepen in our sexual intemacy and it's been beautiful. However, when she said this morning that one of her sexual values to never again cross that line into selfish, fullfillment of fantasies.... I could see she absolutley meant it. I saw something in myself when she said this. I've been secretley waiting for those times to come back. Like it was at the beggining.... When I could be totally self centered.... I am glad to see this, even though it is painful. It's essential to see this kind of bullshit if I'm going to make this transition a permanent one. I now know that these old twisted sexual values will have to die. There's no get out of jail free card here. I have been comitted to deepening intemacy within or sex life, but only half committed.

II. Well it has happened before and it could happen again. If I violate one of her boundaries then I would know about it for sure.... My wife is very direct on such things. I would have to pretty out of touch or caught up in my own shit to do it in a severe way in order to violate one of her main boundaries.... i.e. a sexual boundary. I made a comittment some time ago that whatever happened to me, whatever mistakes I make, no matter how badly I mess up.... That I would use it to learn and grow deeper and stronger. This situation involving my wife's boundaries would be the same.

III. I think I already answered this. Sometimes ofcourse there is defensivness. Sometimes I don't want to see my own shit, my own mistakes. In cases like that when my wife tells me that I've violated a boundary and I go on the defensive.... There comes a point of truth telling. First to myself and then to her. If this truth telling is sincere then we can put it behind us. If however there is anything left unsaid....Guess what.... It'll come back and bite.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:09 pm 
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Exercise 41.

I asked my wife to share her boundaries with me. It was a beautiful exercise and beautiful to see her boundaries through her eyes. The content of what was said will remain between us. The two main boundaries were.

I. Monogamous Relating (No sexual partners outside of our relating).

II. Not willing to be used as a facilitator of selfish sexual behavior.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:13 am 
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re: "Monogamous Relating (No sexual partners outside of our relating)"

This is a good starting point for developing shared values and boundaries. But as you will both come to recognize, evolution is almost always necessary. Here, it is definitely necessary. Why? Because monogamous relating is not limited to having no sexual partners outside of your marriage. Having an emotional affair with someone--even with no sex--can be just as disruptive/destructive as a sexual affair. So somehow, this value/boundary must be expanded (or supplemented) to include extramarital romantic and/or emotionally intensive relations as well--with sex NOT serving as the line in the sand.

Just my thoughts...you two are free to evolve as you see fit. :wink:

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Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 3:15 pm 
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Well I'm back again after a 2 week break. It's good to back and I feel ready to continue with the lessons and learning. The first thing will be to review my work so far and reconnect to my recovery, vision and values. Lets get it on!


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