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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:01 pm 
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Posts: 131
This is my first attempt to this program
Day one exercise:
Q Where am I at with these questions?
Q)1 Am I actively commiting myself to change?
I am commiting to change, what I have been doing hasn't been working toward lust. I have been in SA for 18 yrs and still have issues with Lust. A challenge I have is I am self employed and I am a work alcoholic so I start recovery projects and don't follow thru. I am tired of not being successful.
Q)2 Not letting guilt/shame to sabotage my commitment to change.
This is another challenge because my wife is at zero tollernace with my addiction. We have been married 21 Yrs, she is wore out with me.
Q)3 Allowing time to change. After 21 years will this work if I commit 100%?
Q) What is the reasons I want to change?
1. to be at peace with myself
2. to do gods will for me
3. to save and to have good marrage
4. to be happy without the stress related to my addiction
5. to be comfortable around the opposite sex
6. to pursue healthy outlets and activities
7. to grow in all areas of my life, emotional, phisically, spiritualy
8. to study the bible and understand God's word
9. to have a hobby
10. to communicate openly
11. to be honest
12 to feel good about myself (self esteem)
13 not feeling guilt and shame because I am still dealing with lust


Last edited by Recovery on Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 3:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:00 pm
Posts: 521
[reposted]

Day three exercise:
I am close and connected to my wife
I am free from lust
I share emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
I am learning patience with myself
I am learning to respect myself
I have earned respect from my wife
I have earned trust from my wife
I pray every day
My wife and I pray every day together
Family is important to me
Friendship with my wife needs to be developed
Friends outside the marrage is important
I have developed hobbies with my wife
My wife and I are active with dancing and walking on the beach
I comunicate every day with my wife from the heart
I am growing personally
I am learning discipline
I am learning to take time for myself
I exercise every day
I eat healthy food
I am find a purpose for my life
I study the bible and learn more about God
I study different religions to get a broader perspective about God
I read self growth books
I go to seminars to learn
I am learning to be vunerable
I am getting in touch with my inner feelings
I am learning to support and protect my wife
I make my wife feel special
I show my wife how attracted I am to her
I encourage her to grow
I am learning how to become a better listiner
I am learning how to be a better provider
I am learning integrity in order to increase trust and foundation in our relationship
I don't procrastinate and I follow through on everything I start


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 3:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:00 pm
Posts: 521
[repost]

Day 4 Priorities my values:
1 I am free from lust in my life
2 I share emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
3 I earn trust from my wife
4 I earn respect from my wife
5 I pray throughout the day
6 I pray every day with my wife
7 I communicate freely and easily with my wife
8 I am close and connected with my wife
9 I am learnig to be disciplined
10 My wife is my best friend
11 I am learning to be vunerable
12 I am getting in touch with my inner feelings and express them easily
13 I am learning to support and protect my wife
14 I have grown personally
15 I am learning to respect myself
16 Friends outside the marriage is important
17 I am learnign integrity in order to increase trust and foundation in
our relationship
18 I am learning to take time for myself
19 I don't procrastinate and I follow through on things I start or have
learned
20 I am learning to be patience with myself
21 I am finding purpose with my life
22 I encourage my wife to grow
23 I am learning to being responsible with money
24 I am becoming a better listener
25 I exercise every day
26 My wife and I have common interest and hobbies together
27 I eat healthy food
28 I study the bible to learn more about Gods word
29 I read self growth books
30 I go to growth related seminars
31 I study different religions to broden my perspective to God


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 3:37 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:00 pm
Posts: 521
Hi Recoverer -

I reposted your responses into one thread. What you need to do is as you add lessons, view this thread and hit "post reply" to reply to this thread with your newer lessons. That way everything is in the same spot.

I posted day three and four but didn't see day two, so let me know if I missed that.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 131
Day 5 Exercise- Value Congruency
1 I am free from lust in my life
2 I share emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
3 I earn trust and respect from my wife
4 I pray to God every day
5 I pray with my wife every day
6 I communicate easily with my wife
7 I am close and connected to my wife
8 Family is important to me
9 Friendship with my wife is important to me
10 I am learning discipline
11 I am learning to be vuneralble
12 I am getting in touch with my inner feelings
13 I am learning to support and protect my wife
14 I have grown personally
15 I am learning to respect myself


Last edited by Recovery on Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:49 pm 
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Posts: 131
D6 Building Proactive Action Plans I

1 Strengthening My Role as a friend
Call Doug and William once a week
Talk about whats going on in our lifes
Meet for lunch or coffee once per month
Offer support when needed
2 Strengthening My Commitment to God
Pray every morning before I start my day
Pray every evening at the end of the day
Meditate every day
Read the bible everyday
Surrender My challenges to God throughout the day
Developing a strong belief system to do things right and to live by
God's teachings.
3 Strengthening My Role as a Father
Call each one of them at least once a week
Talk about whats going on in thier life
Talk about whats going on in my life
Give support when needed
Be vunerable when I talk to them
Send emails: share interesting information, poems, or prayers


Last edited by Recovery on Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 2:49 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
re: "Day 5 Exercise- Value Congruency"

Well, shoot. By the time you get to this point (have whittled your vision down to your top fifteen prioritized values), what I like to see is a list that I could assign to some arbitrary, neutral life and see if it would be capable of achieving, sustaining and regaining balance and meaning. Your list seems to be lacking in clarity and practical application. ANd what is really confusing is that, when you get to the proactive action plans, your values that top that list are: Stregthening My Role as a friend; Stregthening My Commitment to God; Stregthening My Role as a Father.

These are exactly the type of practical and specific values that will serve you well. But where are they in that 'top fifteen'? Ah, I think I can now put my finger on what is missing. What is missing is the values themselves. What you have shared are steps/goals that you will engage in as a part of experiencing those values. Such information is best saved for the Proactive Action Plans.

Also, I do not see a vision for you...which may be behind some of this as well. It is hard to take such a mechanical approach to these early lessons when you don't have a coherent vision with which to enact these lessons.

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Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:47 pm 
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Posts: 131
D2 Establishing a vision for my life (re-entered 2nd time)

My vision for the rest of my life is to be close and connected to my wife. There is no addiction in my life. I don't have any issues with Lust. I have learned to share with her emotional and phyisacal inimacy.
This has been accomplished by gaining depth and knowledge on what it takes to be intimate.
My wife and I enjoy being with each other. We talk at length for hours, about feelings, goals and what we are going to do together. I have learned to be vunerable and learned to listen to her needs and desires.
We enjoy cooking together, playing together and going out to dinner together. We take short and long trips together. We enjoy walking
together and encourageing each other to to do healthy activities.
We have mutual friends that have the same values and interests as we do.
We do things with the kids like trips, dinners and just being together.
My wife trusts and respects me. We make each other feel special. We enjoy our intimate times by shareing and our special love making.
We pursue our spiritual, personal and relationship growth together.
This has been accomplished by me gaining integrity through honesty, soundness of mind and sincerity to do what it takes to have a healthy commited marriage.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:49 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
re: "Establishing a vision for my life (re-entered 2nd time)"

How are you doing on patience, smile?!

I want you to review this vision...and REMOVE your wife from it. What is left? Not much. That is a pretty good indicator that this is not a strong enough vision to carry you through the entire transition from addiction to health. To do that, you must establish a vision for who you are. What your life is all about. How you derive meaning and fulfillment in your life. Until you establish this, you will be vulnerable to your emotional foundation collapsing any time you and your wife are out of sorts. I know that it feels more comfortable to place all of your meaning in her basket, but it is unfair to her and unhealthy for you.

Ask her.

Ask her is she would rather have someone who is dependent on her for their stability, meaning, etc. Or whether she would rather have a man who was independently fulfilled, healthy...and capable of integrating that independence and maturity into the relationship. I guarantee you that, unless she has her own emotional health issues, she will choose the latter. She will want you to learn to stand on your own two feet and become equal partners in life.

Now with this said, this one area of your life...you have thought out well.

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Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:38 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 131
My Vision redone:
My vision for the rest of my life is that I am a very honest and trustworthy person. I have developed a deep understanding on what is important in having a balanced life. I have learned to be reliable, loving and patient with myself and others. I have been able to express my emotions openly and also learned to be vulnerable.
I have gained respect for myself and gained respect from others because I have a strong belief system that helps me know how to do things that are right and I live by God's teachings.
I have a strong relationship with my wife because I have learned to express intimacy both emotionally and physicaly. I have learned to be supportive and gained knowledge and understanding on how to show tenderness. I have become financially responsble and live within a budget. I have also learned how to be organized and have a plan for each day.
I have learned to be in touch with my anger and frustrations and can express them openly and calmly. I can express all my feelings easily
and in depth.
I continue to develope family ties and I have developed a few close friendships who I keep in touch with on a regular basis.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:22 pm 
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Posts: 131
Top 15 Values from new Vision
1. I am honest and trustworthy
2. I have a strong belief system to do things that are right and to live by Gods teachings.
3. I am reliable.
4. I respect my wife and our marriage
5. I am very understanding and supportive to my wife by being loving and showing tenderness which has created emotional and physical intimacy.
6. I have gained respect for myself and from others.
7. I have learned to be vulnerable.
8. I have learned to show my wife that she is special.
9. I have learned to express emotions and feelings openly. I have also learned to express my feelings from the heart and not from my head.
10. I am in touch with my frustrations and anger and can express them in a calm manner.
11. I am responsible with finances and live within a budget.
12. I am proactive not reactive.
13. I am patient with myself and others.
14. I have strong ties with family and friends.
15. I have learned balance in my life with my wife, work, family, self and God.


Last edited by Recovery on Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:37 pm 
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D7 Building Proactive Action Plans II
Strengthening My Role as a Husband to My Wife
I. Improving/maintaining comunication with my wife.
a. I share honestly, I don't minimize and I remember the important thoughts and actions of the day.
b. I express feelings spontaneously and with depth.
c. I am vulnerabile when I share, even if I might be critized or rejected.
d. I am sensitive to when my wife is busy and ask when it would be a better time to share.
e. I am consistant in takeing time to communicate.
f. I express feelings from the heart not just from the head.
g. I am in touch with and share my anger and frustrations with my wife in a calm sensitive way.
h. I stop what I am doing and listen to and respond to my wife when she talks to me.
II. Improving my Handleing of Finances
a. I sit down and work on our budget once a week.
b. I take responsibility in shareing paying the bills once per week.
c. I live within a mutually agreed upon budget once a week.
d. I am aware of everything I spend and share this with my wife.
III. Share responsibilites with the family business.
a. I have a plan for the week and share this with my wife.
b. I have organized a daily plan and I share this with my wife.
c. I share what has happened or accomplished during the day and as
soon as possible I share this with my wife.
d. I work in partnership with my wife by dividing resposibilities.
e. I prioritize what is important and work on those things first.
IV. Support and encourage my wife with personal and physical health and do the same for myself.
a. Take walks together.
b. I want to grow through individual counseling so I can be a healthier person and to also grow through couple counseling so I can be healthier in our relationship.
c. I will share the tools I have learned in Recovery Nation.
d. I will take responsibility for the business so my wife will have the freedom to go to the gym.
V. Showing Love For Each Other
a. I show affection to my wife, by holding hands, by giving her hugs and by kissing her.
b. I verbally say "I LOVE YOU" to my wife.
c. I am exclusive to my wife with my eyes and with my actions at all times.
d. I show her she is special by treating her with respect, I show it verbally and with cards, letters and flowers and with my actions.
e. I make sure I create time and make it a priority to share and be affectionate to my wife.
f. I am spontaneous when I show affection to my wife.
VI. Developing Sexual Intamacy
a. I establish consistant frequency for sexual activity with my wife.
b. I court my wife regularly.
c. I pursue tender moments together.
d. I make physical intimacy a priority.
e. I create times to be intimate when we are not too tired.
Strengthening My ability to be Patient with myself and others
a. I realize that change takes time.
b. I realize that patient can be learned.
c. I realize everyones abilities are at different levals and that includes myself.
d. I am learning not to be too hard on myself and others.
Strengthening my ability to be understanding
a. When someone starts talking to me I stop what I am doing and give them my full attention and listen to what they are saying.
b. I don't interupt when someone is talking and I wait until they are finished before I respond and I allow them to have a different point of view then mine without defending my point of view.
c. I restate what I have heard to make sure my interpitation is correct and I understand what was ment to be said.
Strengthening my ability to be reliable
a. I do what I say I will do and when I say I will do it.
b. I call when I will be late.
c. I follow through with my promises and my commitments.
d. I take responsibility for my actions at all times.
Strengthening my ability to be respected.
a. I am committed to my recovery program and do what is necessary to achieve recovery.
b. I respect other people's boundries.
c. I live within my own boundries.
d. I take responsibility for my actions and make healthy decisions.
Strenghtening my ability to be responsible
a. My recovery is my priority.
b. I learn from my mistakes and I correct them.
c. I take full resposibility when I do wrong.
d. I call men in my support program to share and learn frrom my mistakes.
e. I call my wife and share my issue so not to have any secrets.
Strenghtening my ability to be honest
a. I tell my wife when I have issues with lust.
b. I share with my wife when I didn't work my action plan to avoid lust issues.
c. I tell my sponsor when I have lust issues and accept his feedback to improve or correct my issues.
d.I tell the truth on everything I do as soon as possible.
Strenghtening my ability to be vunerable
a. I share with my wife even if I might be critized or rejected.
b. I led with my weakness when I share.
c. I am working on being open when I am challenged by my wife
when my version and her version are different on a situation that happened involving my lust issues.
d. I am learning to surrender my pride and ego, small steps at a time.
Strenghtening my ability to be in touch with my anger and frustrations and not be passive aggressive.
a. When something is bothering me I journal to help me get in touch with what is bothering me.
b. I surrender and ask God for guidance.
c. I share with my wife or sponsor to share what I am dealing with.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:15 pm 
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Excercise 9
If my partner did exactly what I have done-exactly as I have done them, What would I need to rebuild the Trust
1. I would need to see the behavior stop.
2. I would need complete honesty on everything she is thinking and doing.
3. I would need her to check in with me on a regular basis.
4. I would like to know what she is doing to become healthy and not do it again.
5. I would like to know what kind of support she has developed to become and to stay healthy.
6. I would want her to go to counseling to work on her issues that might be causeing the behavior.
7. I would insist on no secrets.
8. I would want to know when she was tempted without details.
9. I would want her to show that she was remorseful and sorry.
10. I would want her to make her recovery a priority and do what ever it takes not to do it again.
11. I would like to see the action plan of what she is doing for recovery and to share what she has done on a daily basis.
12.I would like to see consistant progress.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:37 am 
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Excercise10
Committing Myself to Absolute Honesty
1.Make a list where items stashed for sexual behavior
a. women excercise magazines that belong to my wife, in magazine rack and under cushion of a chair in the bedroom.
b. Yoga book belonging to my wife located in the closet.
c. Vibrator in the closet.
2. List of people used for romantic objects.
a. Drawn to windows that have their lights on at night.
3. List of places that I have issues
a. shopping malls
b. longerie areas in department store
c. swimming pools and the beach
d. waitresses


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 4:07 pm 
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Posts: 4572
re: "My Vision redone"

Better. This vision is so important in laying the foundation for what is to come for not only the rest of this workshop, but the rest of your life...that I almost wish people could take an entire day to completely isolate themselves from the world to fully concentrate on it and think it through. That's not practical for most, so do recognize that this is A BEGINNING for what will eventually become a much more practical vision that will serve many roles in your recovery and life management.

re: "Top 15 Values from new Vision"

Typically, it is easier to work with more 'practical' values like 'strengthening my relationship with my wife' than it is to work with more idealistic values such as 'respect' and 'vulnerability'. Again typically, these idealistic values come in as a means of driving the practical. But this is a good start. One are that you will need to gain a lot of clarity in is #2 'to live by Gods teachings'. There is a huge gap between the ideal and the practical here. Same value, but the perspective is totally different. And so, from a practical side, you may want to expand this value to the role that religion and/or spirituality will play in your life. And THEN, also extract/translate the specific 'teachings' in terms of the values being projected/taught and how they are prioritized.

As you can see, it is not enough to 'live by God's teachings' as a practical value. You must understand those teachings and adopt the values they represent. Otherwise, you are just being idealistic.

Now, none of this requires any further writing on your part. Just give it thought. And when we go through our second coaching session, we will review this stuff in detail and use it to begin developing the first tool in a healthy recovery.

re: "Building Proactive Action Plans"

Excellent. Very specific and practical. This will also be gone over extensively in that second session.

re: "Excercise 9"

Again, excellent. Practical and rational.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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