Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Nov 17, 2018 4:53 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 55 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:45 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
M2;W2;D1 The Role of Boundries Excercise 36
A. Not having a set of boundries intensified personal consequences.
When I was leaving a Wedding reception late at night one of my wife's cousins walked up besides me and put her arm around my waist and gave me a hug and I responded without thinking and hug her back. At that very moment my wife and her sister turned around and saw us walking and hugging each other. I had been very friendly with this cousin in the past which would have encouraged such an action on her part. My wife was very upset with this for months and a year later still brings it up from time to time in an arguement.
The boundry violated was being too friendly to a women which encourages her to be friendly back. I need not to encourage it in the first place.
B. A solid boundary which will assist me in manageing an event that will protect my values.
When my wife and I go into a resturant to eat a meal I look for a table
that is on the side areas if possible but I always choose a set that is facing the wall or is not looking toward the main areas of the resturant because I easily get distracted by women walking around and could Lust after them.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:07 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
M2;W2;D2 Identifying Personal Boundaries, Excercise 37
A. List three of my highest values out of my top five.
1. I will be honest and trustworthy.
2. I will respect my wife and our marriage in body, mind and spirit.
3. I express my emotions and feelings openly.
B. For each value, list five boundries (rules) that will protect that value.
1. I will be honest and trustworthy.
a. Tell the truth even if my wife will get upset.
b. I do what I say I will do.
c. I tell the truth even on the little things.
d. I don't break society's rules even when no one is looking.
e. I don't take advantage of my clients financilly.
2. Respect my wife and our marriage.
a. Don't lust after other women.
b. Don't be too attentive to other women.
c. Don't flirt with other women.
d. Don't fantasize about other women.
e. Show my wife she is exclusive.
3. Express emotions and feelings openly.
a. Don't withdraw
b. Express the need to set aside time to communicate with my wife.
c. Don't be agressive when expressing myself.
d. Don't be fearful of conflict to the point of not talking.
e. Identify and express I have needs too.
C. What is my Absolute Boundries?
1. I will never be alone with a female under the age of 18.
2. I don't drive female clients alone in my car.
3. I don't meet female clients alone.
4. I don't look at internet porn.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
M2;W2;D3 Developing Healthy Boundaries, Excercise 38
I. Two situations where my values could be threatened from the last excercise for three values.
A. I will honest and trustworthy.
1. If my wife has been upset with me for a week and she is starting to be closer it would be difficult for me to tell her that I had an issue with lust today. She could be upset with me for another week.
2. If I haven't had any income for 3 months and if I charge a slightly for interest rate on a loan I will make more income.
B. I respect my wife and our marriage in body, mind, and spirit.
1. If my wife is very upset with me and she says she wants to leave me.
I cope with this stress by lusting.
2. I go to a family function where everyone is talking Spanish and I don't understand the language or speak it. I get bored and start to lust.
C. I express my emotions and feelings openly.
1. If my wife and I have a big fight and every time I try to talk to her she responds with anger.
2. I have lusted and I feel ashamed and my self esteem is very low.
I.I have changed my boundries to read
a. I will be trustworthy for my own respect and will not be influenced by what other people like or don't like about what I say or do.
b. Even though I need a certain amount of income to meet my debts, I will not take advantage of my customers.
II. I respect my wife and our marriage in body, mind, and spirit because I have vowed to love her in sickness and health until death do us part.
This also pretains to unhealthy communication with each other.
This will cover both examples I addressed above.
III. I express my emotions and feelings openly in happy times and in stressful times because this will create intimacy along with personal and relationship growth.
This will also address both situations above.


Last edited by Recovery on Wed Nov 12, 2008 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 12:12 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
re: "The boundary violated was being too friendly to a women which encourages her to be friendly back"

I'm not sure if this would constitute an efficient boundary. It is to general and subjective to hold real power over your actions. No matter, that wasn't the point of this exercise. The point was to see how violating boundaries could enhance negative consequences...and you did that well.

re: "Tell the truth even if my wife will get upset"

That is an excellent example of a general boundary. It guides your behavior in times when emotions may skew your judgment.

re: "I don't break society's rules even when no one is looking."

I don't know if this one is enforceable. Unless by 'rules' you are talking about 'laws'. Otherwise, you would be referring to the social values/boundaries of a society--and those often conflict/change. We can talk about this more in our next session.

re: "Don't be too attentive to other women"

This will require a clear understand of what you mean by 'too'.

re: "Show my wife she is exclusive"

This is not a boundary. It is more of an action/goal (something you might find in a proactive action plan for 'strengthening my relationship with my wife'.

re: "What is my Absolute Boundaries?"

We will discuss these further in private. But on the surface, you want to try not to establish absolute boundaries that are directly related to your not engaging in compulsive behavior. I mean, if it were as easy as just saying, 'I'm not going to do this.'...addiction wouldn't exist. But there is a compulsive element to these rituals and so, well...we'll talk.

:g:

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 5:00 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
This is my new vision for the rest of my life.
My life has structure and goals but also free time to develop personal characteristics like honesty and integrity. I will have a life that has God as my center and to be able to develop a life style that supports a loving, understanding, supportive and giving way of life.

I will be healthy in mind body and spirit by giving of myself and not taking from others. I will be exclusive to my wife by giving her a husband that has high moral values for her and others. I will be able to share myself in an open honest manner with depth so she will be able to know who I really am inside. I am a loving giving husband who gives of himself both emotionally and physically in ways that nourishes our very special and beautiful relationship.

I have learned to be in balance first with God, then myself, in my marriage, my job and with my family and friends in this order. With God I have learned to give of myself in a moral giving way and to grow in faith. With myself I have healthy values with boundaries that protect them. I am a giving person that takes time to be supportive and understanding with others. I respect the boundaries of others and I have gained respect for myself. With my marriage I have learned to set aside time to share and to listen and to be understanding and supportive. I take the time to mend the past by changing my unhealthy behaviors. We have set aside time for intimacy and fun. I am exclusive to my wife and show her she is special to me. With my job and finances I am organized and have a daily and weekly plan. With my family and friends I will take time to reach out to share myself and let them share with me.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:08 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
Lesson three The role of Values
Honesty
Living with Integrity
Being loving with my wife
Undersatanding
Supportive
Being transparent
Being humble
Being vulnerable
Giving of myself
Being reliable
Communicating feelings with depth
Strengthening my emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
Creating balance in my life
Respecting myself and others
Being exclusive with my wife
Enhancing my spiritual experience through daily prayers
Developing organization in my life with daily, weekly and monthly plans
Practicing being proactive instead of reactive
Being patient with myself and others
Deeping my relationship with myself by journaling, monitoring and self assesment daily and weekly
Being dependable
Since of resposibility
Putting other"s needs before my own
Strenthening conflict resolution
Personal growth development
Self disciplined
Fidelity in mind, body and spirit
Developing being a better father by calling my children weekly
Developing a few close friends by calling weekly
Reach out to extended family at least twice per month


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 10:03 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
Lessons 4/5 Prioritize my values from my new vision
1. I am developing honesty, transparency and vulnerability
2. Spiritual growth
3. Fidelity to my wife
4. Strengthening my communication skills
5. Developing being understanding and supportive
6. Developing emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
7. Developing integrity
8. Reliable and responsible
9. Being proactive not reactive
10. Developing stronger organization skills
11. Developing a balanced life
12. Developing a relationship with myself
13. Developing emotional maturity
14. Developing a closer relationship with my children
15. Developing a few close friends


Last edited by Recovery on Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:29 am, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:02 pm 
Offline
General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3956
Hmm I see a lack of some practical values from your vision and values list and some overlapping of others which makes it look like there isn't enough balance to sustain a health based life. Also you have some actions mixed in with the values which really should go into the action plans.

Some values to think about:

Career, Finances, Hobbies/Interests, Extended Family, Health (diet, exercise etc),


Quote:
1. I am developing honesty, transparency and vulnerability
2. Enhancing my spiritual growth through daily prayer So the value here is Spirituality or Spiritual Growth and daily prayer would be in the action plan with more detail.
3. Fidelity by being exclusive to my wife in body, mind and spirit SO Fidelity is the value the rest are parts of actions to take
4. Strengthening my communication of feelings with depth
5. Developing being understanding and supportive through humility
6. Developing emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
7. Developing integrity
8. Reliable and responsible
9. Being proactive not reactive
10. Organized by having a daily, weekly and monthly plan and I monitor it daily The value here is Organization
11. Developing balance with God, recovery, my wife, work and myself Here I would say the value is Balance or Balanced life
12. Developing a relationship with myself by journaling, monitoring and self assessment daily and weekly. Introspect? then the journaling, monitoring and self assessment go to the action plan
13. Developing emotional maturity
14. Calling my children on a weekly basis This isn't a value it is an action. If could go to several values. Being a good father, communication, Being Proactive, etc.
15. Developing a few close friends by calling them weekly SO friendship is the value and one action to it is calling them weekly which goes in your action plan.



Take a minute and look at your vision and values to make sure they are balanced, clear and practical.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 29, 2013 8:37 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
Lession 6 proactive action plans on my top values
Honesty,transparenty and vulnerability
I share with my wife when I am uncomfortable when out in public around other women
If I have been scanning or lusting I am honest about it
I share my feelings openly
I choose a certain time of day to share with my wife
If my wife is busy I respect that and share later
I will not isolate even if we are not getting along
Spiritual Growth
I will pray daily
I will read 15 minutes aday in a spiritual book
I will meditate in the morning
Fidelity with my wife
I am exclusive with my wife in body mind and spirit
I am exclusive to my wife when around other women
Strengthening my communication skills
I will take time every day to share with my wife
I will share with depth and feelings
I will take time out at different times of the day to get in touch with my feelings to share later
I willl read communication books and practice with my wife
I will share feelings from the heart not just in my head
Being understanding and supportive
I need to listen and not interup
Sharing is two sided not just about me
I realize that my interpitation of a situation is not always right or accurate
Emotional and Physical intimacy with my wife
I will be open and honest about my feelings
I will reach out throughout the day and not isolate
I will schedule time together on a daily bases
I will show love by holding hands
I will show affection with hugs and kisses
I will tell her I love her
I will be exclusive and not scan or lust while around other women
I will court my my wife regularly
I will pursue tender moments together
I will set time aside for just the two of us to create intimacy


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:41 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 132
Lesson 7 Building Action Plans II
Developing integrity
I am an honest person
I am a moral person
I am reliable
I have self respect
I respect others
Reliable and Responsible
I do what I say I will do and when I say I will do it
I follow through with my promises and commitments
I take responibility for my actions
My recovery is my top priority
I learn from my mistakes and correct them
Being Proactive instead of Reactive
I take time before I go out to have an action plan when I know I will be around women
I have an action plan when I am at family functions and the women are dressed in revealing clothing
I have action plans when I am bored either at home along or out in public with my wife
Developing stronger Organization skills
I create priority or a to do list on a daily basis
I will do the most imprtant things on my list first
I work on the personal budget once per week
Developing a Balanced Life
I take time each day for God, Self, My Wife, Work and Recovery
I will reach out to my adult children at least once per week
I will time at least once per week to have fun
I will excercise on a regular basis
Developing a Relationship with Myself
I will take breaks theoughout the day to get in balance
I will take a walk once per day
I will pray during my breaks
I will read insprational or spiritual books on a regular basis
I will journal and reflect where I am at emotionally
I will do affirmations
Developing Emotional Maturity
Learning to be humble
I am not always right
I have to take resposibility for my actions
I have to take action not just make promises
I don't get defensive when I am challenged
Developing a Closer Relationship with my Adult Children
I will call my children at least once per week
I will share what is going on in my life instead of just asking about their lifes only
I will be sensitive to when is the best time to call
I will give advice only if they ask for it
I will schedule agreed upon times my wife and I can visit them
Developing a few Close Friends
I will call them once per week
I will be supportive as needed
I will ask for support when I am in need
I will set time aside when we can visit each other if possible


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 55 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group