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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:26 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) Being disciplined and organized
a) Start my day with a prayer
b) Make a list of the things that need to be done
c) Prioritize list and do most important items first
e) Schedule breaks
d) At end of the day list any unfinished items to tomorrows list
2) Being honest and trustworthy
a) I will be honest on everything I do
b) I say the whole truth not just part of it
c) I will tell the trust as soon as possible
d) Trustworthiness will be developed by being honest
3) Being humble
a) I don't have to right all the time
b) I need to listen and not interrupt
c) I respect other peoples opinion
4) Being responsible
a) Do my recovery lessons daily
b) Practice what I am learning daily
c) I follow throw on what I say I will do
d) I am staying in balance with my wife, recovery, family, and my self
5) Developing better social skills
a) Listening to others before I speak
b) Staying current on current events and sharing that with others
c) Reading interesting books and share on some of the topics
d) I am staying aware of whats happening with our local baseball them to interact on the topic
e) I am sharing on some of the things going on in my life
6) Developing skills to express myself calmly
a) Don't respond to conversations immediately
b) Surrender my feelings to God
c) Take a deep breath
d) I express my feelings and not blame others
d) I Express my thoughts calmly
7) Developing awareness of my feelings and emotions and how to handle them
a) When I am experiencing strong feelings or emotions I do the following
1)I take a break
2) I take a walk
3) I do another activity
4) I write about what I am feeling to get a prospective about it
5) I talk to my wife or another person about what I am feeling

8) Balanced life with God, recovery, wife, family, self and work
a) I pray in the morning
b) I set aside an uninterrupted time for 20 minutes to talk to my wife
c) I work on recovery nation every morning for an hour
d) I call my children once a week
e) I take breaks throughout the day
f) I have a priority list for the work I have to accomplish every day
9) Developing emotional maturity
a) I am practicing my goals
b) I will do affirmations daily
c) I will set healthy boundaries
d) I pause before I respond to situations or conversations
e) I have confidence in myself
f) I am developing being genuine
g) I am developing accepting personal responsibility
10)Respect my self and others by having integrity
a) I am developing trustfulness all the time
b)I have moral values
c) I am developing sincerity
d) I am developing fairness to everyone around me
e) I am becoming reliable
11) Being Respectful to my wife in all my actions
a) While out in public I don't scan other women
b) I don't stare and watch what other women are doing
c) I don't have personal conversations with women
d) I focus on being with my wife and not on everything else around us
12) Strengthening my role as a husband
a) Be vulnerable and share my emotions
b) Share total honesty
c) Being aware of being anxious or angry and monitor it in a healthy manor
d) Initiate conversation
a) Working on projects or activity together
b) Hold hands or hug each other
c) Give verbal appreciation for the things my wife does or accomplishes
d) Show my wife she is special by giving her cards or flowers
a} Help with dinner and clean up
b) Help by vacuuming the house
c) Help by cleaning the bathroom
d) Help by sweeping patio and driveway
e) Trim shrubs and pull weeds
a) Show tenderness
b) Pursue love making 2-3 times per month
c) Developing love making as a time to increase closeness
d) Developing our love making as a means to show our love for each other.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 10:52 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
* She would have to honestly share her past pertaining to her addiction
* I would need her to share daily what her thoughts and challenges were
* She needs to share how she dealt with her challenges
* She would have to share with me daily
* She would have to be totally honest about everything in her life
* She would have to show she wanted to recover for herself not just to please me
* She would have to accept that she has an addiction
* She would have to work on her lessons daily
* She needs to share with me what is is working on in her lessons
* Did she post in RN and ask for help and share what they advised
* Is she practicing daily what she is learning
* I want her to realize I don't trust her

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:21 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) Masturbate occasionally after I massage my wife
2) Sons wife: pay attention to the type of close she wears < if revealing or not
3) Another sons girlfriend, yesterday looked at her legs because she was wearing a short dress
4) When my wife and I go to the beach I glaze at women in two piece swim suits
5) At family gatherings: when the men start drinking to much and just talk in Spanish which I don't under stand, I get bored and start watching my wife's adult daughter or my wife's sister on what they are eating or doing or facial expressions when they talk. I have had lusted after these women in the past . Even though I am not lusting now it is inappropriate, my wife and these women get upset with me when I stare at them

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:40 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Things I recognize I am doing for a healthy recovery
1) I do not look for an addictive way to deal with stress
2) At times I will use tools I have learned to get out of a trigger situation
3) In a potential situation where I have had addictive issues before I will take some action to deal with situation in a healthy way
4) When my wife calls me on something she has observed with me, I am working on not trying to defend myself and just listen.
1. I respect my wife and our marriage
2. Developing better social skills
3. Being humble
4. Being responsible

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:44 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) Work on lesson in the morning
2) Take a break and rest
3) Call one of my children
4) Pray for 5 minutes

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 9:00 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) Mother very strict while I was growing up
2) Father worked alot and drank beer every night why he got home from work read books. He kept to himself a lot
3) My cousin told me my mother nursed me when I was too old to be nursed
4) Obsessed with my younger cousins when I was also young and touched them sexually
5) I started at a young age compulsively masturbated more then once a day
6) Very promiscuous while dating

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 9:06 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) I used masturbation as a means of reliving stress or sexual frustration
2) I used images to also distract me from stress
3) I would stare at women when I was bored
4) I would use masturbation because it felt good

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 12:07 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Consider a particular compulsive behavior
Masturbating after massaging my wife
1) Sensory:
a) using oil adds to the feeling of touching my wife's body
b) the excitement I feel by touching my wife's body
c) seeing my wife's body
d) touching myself while I massage my wife to add to the excitement
e) touching my wife in a way that would stimulate her
2) Past:
a) years ago I used to massage her and we would make love afterword
3) Fantasy:
a) if my wife falls asleep i would stimulate and arouse her
b) this excites me
c) I would visualize us making love afterwords
4) Suspense:
a) anticipating us making love
b) if we don't make love anticipating masturbating
5) Danger:
a) my wife waking up because she wants to go to sleep
b) my wife catching me masturbating

PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:39 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
This sample was what I used to do many years ago
1) Habituation
a) I wanted to masturbate in the nude
b) I would look at myself in the mirror
c) At first just using my hand was enough
d) Then I needed pictures to get stimulated
e) Then I would fantasize
f) Then I would use the vibrator
g) Then I would use lotion
2) Time
a) The longer I could use the different stimulants and not have an orgasm the better the orgasm would be
If I would have an orgasm too soon it would be a let down and the orgasm would not be as intense

PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:20 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Mastering Your Addiction Exercise 20
What has my addiction itself and roles that it has played affected my life
1st - 6th grade 6-13 yrs old
It started out as something that felt good
Then I wanted to shock little girls by exposing myself
Then it became something I could use because my mother was very strict
and I could fantasize and escape
I started feeling obsessed with the sexual feelings and how good it felt.
The role my addiction started playing was I was in control of a part of my life that was mine only. I felt power over shocking little girls and I could escape by not being able to play like my friends so this was the beginning
of me coping with something I didn't like.
This was the beginning of me sustaining my addiction.
Junior High 7th and 8th grade 14-15 yrs old
I was immature and shy and I wasn't popular in school.
I found a girlfriend that liked me and I wanted to be with her all the time.
I was becoming codependent on the feelings she was providing me.
It started out with a lot of kissing and petting.
Then I wanted to be around her not for the companionship but for the sexual feelings I was feeling.
When not with her I would masturbate and fantasize about having sex with her.
The role my addiction was playing was I was like other guys with girl friends who had sex together.
My self identity was changing that sexuality would make me popular and that girls liked sex too.
This was sustaining my addiction and I would pursue sex as a driving force in my life.
High School 16-18 Yrs old
At this time of my life I felt very sexual all the time.
I had sex with 5 different girls at this time and two of them were virgins.
I started feeling in control of this part of my life. This was becoming my new identity.
I would fantasize and masturbate many times during the day.
The role my addiction was taking on was that every girl I met I wanted to be sexual with them.
Then the ritual was that girls were in my life for sex only.
I became good at turning girls on and then I was in control of what I wanted and this gave a sense of power and importance.
Everything I was doing was sustaining my addiction.
I got married to my ex-wife 21-41 yrs old
Once I got married I felt anything pertaining to sex was OK. There were no boundaries. I didn't have in place a value system of what was right or wrong.
The traumas or changes in my life during this time were;
1. I was the sole provider and it was now my responsibility to provide for my family.
2. I was close to my mother and my wife didn't want her calling us and told my mother this. I didn't say anything.
3. I went back to college at night after work
4. My mother died
5. I quit my job and bought a business
6. We had two boys that were our own and we adopted a girl
7. I had two affairs
8. I molested my daughter
My life became totally out of control and my addiction got worse and worse because I had no foundation or boundaries.
There was always a lot of stress and drama in our life. My wife became very aggressive and controlling. I loved and adored her and my codependency became into full bloom. Anything she wanted financially I would give it to her even if I had to steal at work to give it to her. I wanted her approval and what ever I did wasn't enough.
The role my addiction played was this was my identity to be sexual and this is how I coped with stress. Again with my life out of balance this was immediate gratification but now I was addictive to it and it was the main way I dealt with life. I could never get enough and I kept doing more and more to get higher and higher sexual feelings.
My sexuality was how I interacted with the world, flirtation, affairs, group sex, massage parlors, x-rated movies, tried wife swapping and lots of paper pornographer.
Sex became my recreation, escape and I lived in a fantasy world. I would masturbate many time during the day.
I became a workaholic to earn more money. I started drinking whiskey to calm down and relax at night until I would get drunk every night.
The principal that evolved was that my whole life evolved around sex. Anyone and anyway I could get it I would do it. I lost all sense of what was right or wrong and I did not have enough values to realize how many people I was hurting. It was only about me.
I didn't like the life I had created for myself because I had no boundaries about anything and I felt helpless. What I used to cope was more and more sex instead of choosing a healthy outlet.
The only way I felt to fix the situation was I divorced my wife after 19 1/2
years of marriage. It was brought on because I was having an affair and she made me feel special. I didn't divorce to have the other women, it just helped me see there were nicer women then the one I was married to. All of these activities were sustaining my addiction and this is how I coped with the terrible life I had created.
Single for 1 1/2 years 42-43 yrs old
At the beginning my life was less intense. I did keep my addiction going because I had three girlfriend at the same time. The main reason I had three women is because I didn't want to be alone so if one would dump me I had others. I did only have sex with two of them because one was very moral and din't want sex outside of marriage and I did many healthy activities with her like celebrating New Years Eve at a church function with no drinking and we prayed into the new year.
I wasn't all good because I looked up my Jr High school sweetheart who was married and I had an affair with her. It almost broke up her marriage.
Major Trauma
I was arrested for molesting my daughter 2 years earlier in my previous marriage. I was on probation for 5 years and I was required to attend counseling for men who had molesting issues. I was required to do a 90 day work furlough program where I could go to work but I slept in a controlled facility after work and on weekends.
This was the first time I started stifling my addiction and to the point the addiction was absence from my life. I was scared to death if I did anything I would be arrested and put in jail. I didn't masturbate for the 90 days I was in the work furlough program. This was the beginning of my life changing. I also started SA while going to the mandated counselor.
I met my current wife at this time, we both worked at the same job together.
She was and is a very beautiful women but I have always said she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She was and is a very moral person and I fell in love with her. I had finally found a women that was beautiful, very intelligent and someone who treated me with love and respect. She knew of my molest issue and even went to counseling with me. She had three children and one was a girl the same age of my daughter. It was mandated that we tell all three children of my molest issue for their protection. I was never allowed to be alone with her daughter but I have never been alone with any female child since then.
I stopped masturbating, and all other sexually activities that I had done before my wife. The only issue I was dealing with was I still had issues with Lust
Married my current wife 43-present 75 Yrs old
I promised her I would do what ever it took to over come my addiction and not do any of the things I did in the past including Lusting. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days, I got a sponsor, I worked on the 12 steps I did everything the program asked of me and yet I still Lusted. They say in the program that half measures avail us nothing. I was able to get 5 years of sexual sobriety. Then I would masturbate. I then got 3 years of sobriety and a number of 2 years in a role and then I would masturbate. I have been in SA since 1986 and yet I have only completed 11 of the 12 steps. During that time I have had 6 sponsors and only two of them made me be accountable for my actions and one of them I stopped and got another sponsor and the other one fired me for not following the rules.
At the first of our courtship and the beginning of our marriage I pored myself into the relationship. We were in love and everything was beautiful even when I had issues with Lust. We would make up and go on with life.
As much as I could with the tools I had learned in SA I was Stifling my addiction. My wife and I had a very good and active sex life. I wasn't a great communicator but my wife's kids where home and one by one they left but the last one went away to college years ago. Then it was just my wife and I and our marriage started changing for the worse.
1. One of my sons from my first marriage was killed in an automobile accident when he was 18 years old. He was living with my wife and I at the time with her 3 children.
2. My father died
3. My brother died
4. I filed bankruptcy
5. I lost a job over lust issues
Lust started to take a toll on our marriage and my wife's tolerance became less and less.
Then instead of lust being an occasional issue I was using lust to cope with the declining marriage. she became angrier and angrier and I began to withdraw more and more. I would get to a desperate place and I stopped making love to Irma because she said she didn't feel special and I was attracted to every one else. I start withdrawing to the point we hardly talked all day long even though we both worked from home.
I started masturbating more and I would buy pornography also. I would stop for a week or two and do it again. I had about a year of sobriety at that time.I disclosed everything I have done since she and I have been married. We only made love very little.
The Ritual was I would lust then we would make up and I would try for awhile and then I would lust again. This went on until she said she had zero tolerance for my lust and she said time and again If I lusted one more time she would leave me. I wanted to stop and I was getting very depressed to the point I thought a lot about suicide. Then I thought she was still here and she put up with me all these years and if I committed suicide it would have all been for nothing. Everything improved when we both did Recovery Nation. She kept saying that I was a failure in everything I did. I am in the Real Estate industry and our income dropped to 1/3 of what it used to be. I didn't communicate with her and we weren't physically intimate and on top of that I Lusted.
My only familiar friend was my addiction. It was the only thing that gave me relief. I felt I was a failure in everything else. I used my addiction to minimize or illuminate the pain I was dealing with. I am very co-dependent and without her in my life I had nothing and nothing mattered. I hit bottom and thank God she told me about Recovery Nation.
My wife and I both joined RN and I was being coached by coach Jon. About a year later Coach Jon passed away. I had not completed the lessons yet. I continued the lessons the best I could. I completed up to lesson 57 and then the RN program crashed and only up to lesson 34 of my lessons were recovered. I stopped masturbating with use of pornography. I stopped the lusting with the women I saw on the street and in malls because of the tools I learned with RN. I stopped RN a number of years ago because I felt I had recovered from my addiction. Actually I had not learned and or practiced the lessons completely so they were not ingrained into my life partly because I had lost my motivation to continue.
So part of this lesson is to look at what might happen in future situations that might happen in my life.
Here is where I am today and why I am starting all over with my lessons in RN again.
I do masturbate occasionally win I get stimulated when I massage my wife. I do not fantasize while doing it yet it is for a release of sexual tension that I have. We very seldom make love because of my age I am unable to maintain my erection.
Our marriage has improved but by not making love like we used too has caused conflict in the relationship.
Also when we go to family functions after the men start drinking and speaking Spanish which I don't understand I get board after a fee hours and I start watching what people are doing. But part of that is I start staring at my wife's adult daughter and my wife's adult sister. This is a major problem because I have lusted after both these women and I have done so recently. Of course the women and my wife get very upset.
I need to learn and use what RN has to offer to overcome these destructive issues in my life and in my marriage

PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2019 3:34 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) There are many parts and emotions making up my rituals
2) This knowledge will help me examine how each emotion affects my overall emotional stimulation.
3) It will help me make in making a healthy decision
4) So with this knowledge, when I am at a family function where I have had issues with lust in the past I will have evaluated the emotional stimulation ahead of time and have tools to make a healthy decision.
5) I can start doing this on each ritual I do in my life

PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:17 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Massaging my wife
I massage my wife every night to help her fall asleep. I put oil on my hands and start massaging my wife's back from the neck down. I enjoy feeling my wife's skin as I massage her. Many times she falls asleep while I am massaging her back. This starts to excite me because in the past if she fell asleep i would caress her in ways that would arouse her and we would make love.
So now when I massage her and she falls asleep i fantasize that we will make love so I will try to arouse her. Many times she wakes up right away and gets angry because she wants to sleep.
Yet there are times she does not wake up while I try to arouse her. The anticipation I find very exciting for me. I start to get an erection. I will put oil on my hand and start rubbing my penis while the other hand is massage my wife. I start getting more and more excited that she will get aroused and we will make love. I am also afraid she might wake up and get angry and tell me to stop.
If she doesn't get aroused I will cover her and I am so excited i need an orgasm.
I will go into our walk in closet and put more oil on my penis. I am also afraid my wife will wake up and catch me masturbating. I finally have an orgasm. I feel I was successful but also I fell guilty for not making love to her.
1) Sensory touch
2) Touch
3) Anticipation
4) Touch
5) Anticipation
6) Preparation
7) Touch
8) Suspense
9) Danger
10) Orgasm
11) Accomplishment
12) Guilt

PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 2:06 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Going to public places with my wife and adult children and their partners. When they all get together they start talking Spanish which I don't understand. I get bored. It was a very hot day and there are a lot of women in summer clothing. I told myself I would not lust. Then one women past by in very reveling cloths. I got very stimulated because I was checking every detail of her body. I stared looking around at every women that would go by. I was concerned my wife would catch me. Then we went to a restaurant and I was looking at the waitresses and the women sitting at the tables around us. I tried to talk to my wife but she was too involved talking to the children. Then the adult children wanted to go to a brewery and taste the different beers. I had two glasses of wine which made it easier for me to just check out every women I could see. It only stopped when we got home. I felt guilty.
1) Bored (Starting point)
2) First visual (Start of no return)
3) Stimulation
4) Anticipation
5) Visual
6) Alcohol
7) Visual
8) Danger
9) Fantasy
10) Suspense
11) Let Down (Ending point)
12) Guilt

PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 2:27 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Element#1) A situation for being vulnerable to looking around
#2) Wanting to look at women
#3) Visually undressed a women
#4) Spent a lot of time looking at other women
#5) I knew I should not be looking at their bodies
#6) I looked anyway
#7) I could not wait to see what was next
#8) After drinking wine I felt less inhibited to look at women
#9) Felt ashamed for how I acted when I got home

PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 1:50 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
When I owned a franchise operation I became very good friends with another owner. We talked about everything, even our sexual relationship with our wife's. I believe he was a sexual addict also. While my ex-wife was in the hospital overnight after having a baby my friend invited me over to have dinner with him and his wife. We started drinking and he asked me if I wanted to join him in making love with his wife. I got very excited because I had never done this kind of thing before.
After this incident my friend ask me if I had pictures of my wife in the nude. I thought as long as he shared his wife with me I would show him pictures of my wife in our sexual love making that we had taken together.
He and I talked to see if my wife would be open to wife swapping. I asked my wife would be open to anything sexual if my friend and his wife came over one evening. She said maybe but she didn't want to have intercourse with him. So they came over for dinner and we all had some drinks. I took his wife out side and we had sex. He and my wife stayed inside and kissed and he fondled her but did not have sex. My wife asked me what I was doing out side and I said we were just talking.
I would fantasize about my friends wife all the time. In the mornings I would go to my business before it opened. But before I would go to my business I would go to my friends business when his wife was there alone before it opened and we would have sex in the backroom.
This affair fed into another ritual which was masturbation. I was so stimulated all the time on thinking about and fantasized about the affair I would masturbate 2 to 3 times a day. I would just be thinking about the morning we had just spent together. and I would masturbate. I would then start fantasizing about other ways to have sex with her and I would masturbate again. I would write her letters on the things I wanted to do to her and I would masturbate again because she was always open to anything I wanted to do to her.
I would get up early in the morning before my wife would get up. My wife would just be in the next room asleep, there was not a door between the two rooms. There was a neighbor women that would put on her makeup in front of her mirror and she would always be totally nude. I thought to myself how lucky I was to have this right outside my bathroom window. I would be rubbing my penis the whole time I was watching her. It would still be dark outside and she had her lights on and the window shades were never closed. I could not masturbate because my wife was in the next room and would be waking up soon to go to work.
When my wife would get up I would go downstairs to fix breakfast. The whole time I was downstairs I would be touching myself to stay stimulated fantasizing about what I was watching in the morning. When my wife would leave for work I would go out to the computer. I would get some oil and start masturbating while looking at pornography. By this time I was very stimulated and I would have a very high orgasm.

Last edited by Recovery on Wed Sep 25, 2019 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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