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Recovery's recovery thread*
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Author:  Recovery [ Sat Jul 27, 2019 6:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 26 B
DEVELOPING COMPULSIVE CHAIN
LIST A COMPULSIVE CHAIN I AVE DONE IN THE PAST. THEN ADD TO IT WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO INCREASE THE STIMULATION.
I was having a stressful day. I start looking for something to distract me. I start looking at some news that happened recently. I the middle of one of the news there was an advertising about women swim suits. I casually started looking at them. I was not looking for anything to arouse me. At least that what i told myself. Yet the more and more I looked at the women modeling these suits the more I wanted to look. Then I started looking at a site that showed how to give a women a massage. The women only had a towel over their buttocks. The more I looked the more aroused i became as they showed different women getting different kinds of massages. I started to masturbate and I had an orgasm.
ADDING TO THIS RITUAL i COULD HAVE DONE THE FOLLOWING
Instead of masturbating I could have fantasized that I was giving the massage to a women and I would massage her in ways that would arouse her and she would have an orgasm and then I would make love to her

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 31
EMOTIONAL BALANCE AND STABILITY
A. LIST STRESSES THAT AFFECT MY EMOTIONAL LIFE
1) Trying to get a deferral on a 2 month past due Mortgage payment (moderate)
2) Going to police department for annual check in on a previous problem (moderate)
3) Celebrate my birthday (Mild)
B. FROM VALUE LIST, IS THE MAJORITY OF MY ENERGY BEING USED ON MY VALUES?
Less then 40% of my energy is being used on my values
C. FOR A HEALTHY LIFE HOW, MUCH ENERGY IS BEING USED TO IN THE PURSUIT OF MY VALUES?
less then 40%

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 32
EVOLVING MY PRACTICAL VALUES
PROGRESS ON PROACTIVE ACTION PLAN FROM 15 TOP VALUES
1) Being disciplined and organized (Moderate)
2) Being honest and trustworthy (good)
3) Being humble (good)
4) Being responsible (moderate)
5) Developing better social skills (moderate)
6) Developing skills to express myself calmly (weak/moderate)
7) Developing awareness of my feelings and emotions and how to deal with them (weak/moderate)
8) Balanced life with God, recovery, wife, self and work (moderate)
9) Developing emotional maturity (weak/moderate)
10) Respect myself and others by having integrity (moderate)
11) Being respectful to my wife in all my actions (moderate)
12) Strengthening my role as a husband (moderate)
A) Improving my communication with my wife (moderate)
B) Showing my Love to my wife (moderate)
C) Developing sexual intimacy (weak/moderate)

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 20, 2019 12:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 33
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL MATURITY
I was very good for the assignment of evaluating my emotions for 3 days. I did not do anything toward emotions after that.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 20, 2019 12:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 34
OBSTACLES TO EMOTIONAL SECURITY
A. TIME IN MY LIFE I USED IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION IN A SITUATION
1. When I looked out my bathroom window I say a women completely nude in her bathroom putting on
her makeup. I watched her for about 15 minutes and I masturbated to orgasm while I watched her. I knew I showed not be watching her but I did anyway. Also my wife was in the next room asleep.
B. Describe the anxiety I felt when I am trying not to act on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior.
1. I was massaging my wife and I became very stimulated and I waned to masturbate after she feel asleep. I talked my self out of this but it was very difficult because I wanted to masturbate. The urge was very strong.
2. Compare this to another time that I feel very anxious and it is not sexual. I feel extremely anxious when I am working on the budget and I don't have enough money to pay everything The sexual urge is a lot stronger then this situation.
C. Describe the feeling I have while I am engaging in a certain sexual thought or behavior.
1. I feel very excited and intense when I am building up to an orgasm.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 35
HEALTH MONITORING ll
A. Over the last 7 days what did I get the majority of my meaning and fulfillment?
1. When I went to the store I was aware of where I was looking and it felt good not to be scanning.
2. I got on my knees while my wife was at the kitchen table and I told her how much I love her
3. I worked in the yard because my wife likes the yard net and clean.
B. Over the last 7 days where did the majority of my energy go.
1. There was a major stressful event at a family event. I looked across the room at my wife's sister when she said she was going to throw her phone across the room to her daughter. I was watching what would happen. My wife thought I was lusting after her sister because I have had an issue with that in the past.
C. Given the meaning I derived this week and the events that happened how well did did I do emotional balance.
1.There were not any compulsive sexual behavior. Yet I did a lot of yard work to direct my energy in a healthy manor.
D. Are there any events or situations I need to be prepared for this next week.
1. The main situation I have to work through is to mend the negative feelings my wife feels toward me because she thought I was lusting yesterday with her sister.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 36
THE ROLE OF BOUNDARIES
A. A SITUATION IN THE PAST WITHOUT A WELL DEFINED BOUNDARIES
In my previous marriage I had an affair with my friends wife while my ex-wife was in the hospital having a baby. I was invited over to my friends home and we started drinking, My friend encouraged me to join him in having sex with his wife. I had never had an affair before and it sounded like it would be very exciting. I didn't even hesitate in having sex. I continued having an affair with this mans wife for many months after this first night. My friend was not aware of what I was doing.
B. A SITUATION WHERE I HAD BOUNDARIES
I have been giving my wife a massage for years at night when we go to bed and many times after ward we would make love. Then my wife went through a long period of time where she had trouble sleeping. The only way that she was able to fall asleep was if I massage her but did not want to make love afterwords because that would wake her up. So many times I would masturbate after I massaged her. Then I started feeling guilty for masturbating and I set a boundary that I would not masturbate so I would wear cloths while I massaged her and that helped me keep this boundary.

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Aug 22, 2019 3:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 37
IDENTIFYING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
A. List 3 of my top Boundaries
1. Respect my wife and marriage in a healthy manner
a. Don't go to family gatherings that I know I will have lust issues
b. If I am sitting in a location at a family gathering move and sit in another location
c. Leave and go home if I am not successful in not looking at women at the party
d. Don't stare or watch women
e. Don't socialize with women just be polite and talk to men
2. Strengthen my role as a husband
a. I will be honest with everything when I talk to my wife
b. I will be respectful to my wife and marriage
c. I will do my share in doing responsibilities around the house
d. I will take responsibility for my actions
e. I will show tenderness and affection to my wife on a daily basis
3. Being honest and trust worthy
a. I will honest with my wife at all times
b. I will be honest with big and little things
c. I will share everything and not leave anything out
d. I will be honest as soon as I can on situations
e. I will take responsibilities for my actions

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Aug 22, 2019 3:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 38
DEVELOPING HEALTH BOUNDARIES
A. Review the boundaries in the previous lesson
B. Consider at least two situations where this value my be threatened. are the boundaries enough to protect against this threat
1. Wanting to masturbate after massaging my wife
a. I would expand the boundary to wear cloths when I massage my wife
2. Go to the beach and get stimulated seeing women in skimpy bathing suits and wanting to watch R rated movies on TV and masturbate afterwords
a. Boundary- I would either go to the beach very late in the afternoon because there are less people or leave if I start having problems
3. Becoming very frustrated because my wife and I had an argument and wanting to look at R rated material of women on my phone and wanting to masturbate afterwords
a. Boundary- Turn off my phone or leave the phone in the other room. Take a walk instead

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Sep 26, 2019 9:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 39
HEALTHY SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
STEPS 1 AND 3 MY THOUGHTS AND ATTITUDES
. I need my partner to orgasm to be successful
. I need to be exclusive to my partner
. Oral sex is part of love making
. Fore play is important in love making
. Pornography is not healthy in our love making
. It is important to hold my partner after love making
. I become more aroused when my partner is having an orgasm
. I become more aroused when there is some light in the room so I can see my partner
STEP 2 DEFINE AN IDEAL ENDING
. I will be a considerate, loving and giving partner not a performer
. I will be exclusive to my partner physically and emotionally
. I share openly and honestly to my partner
STEP 3 IS ABOVE
STEP 4 DEFINE EXISTING VULNERABILITIES OR EXISTING OBSTACLES
. When I have been objectifying other women or she assumes that I am
. Not sharing on a personable level on a daily basis with my spouse
. Not having sex with my spouse on a regular basis
. Not setting time aside to peruse love making
. My spouse says she will set aside time to make love but changes her mind when the time comes
STEP 5 ASKING FOR FEEDBACK ON MY VALUE LIST AND ALSO ON STEP 3 LIST
STEP 6 START WORKING ON STEP 3 LIST AND WORK ON EACH VALUE SEPARATELY
A. I need to be exclusive to my wife
1. I don't lust after other women
2. My conversations with other women are minimal
3. I don't watch what other women are doing
4. If I get bored in a family function I leave the party
B. I don't watch or use pornography in any form
1. I don't look at any magazine, internet or phone that shows women partially dressed
2. I don't read pornography
3. I don't look at TV that shows women partially dressed
C. I use foreplay before I make love to my spouse
1. I will talk to my spouse in a tender loving manner
2. I touch and caress my spouse in a non sexual manner
3. I kiss my spouse tenderly
D. There is dim lighting in the room
1. The lighting is dim so we can enjoy the visual setting so we can enjoy seeing each others bodies
E. Oral sex is part of love making
1. I perform oral sex on my spouse until see has an orgasm
2. I become more aroused when my spouse has an orgasm
3. I make love afterwards with my spouse
STEP 7 DEFINE THE BOUNDARIES THAT WILL PROTECT SELECTED VALUES
1. I will not look at porn
2. I will not masturbate
3. If I am having issues at a family gathering on where I am sitting because there are women right in front of me, I will move to a new location
4. If I find that I am bored at this family gathering because everyone is speaking Spanish which I don't understand I will go home
STEP 8 OBSERVATIONS AS A TOOL TO LEARN
1. Watch how other couples interact with each other
2.Read books or articles on better ways to interact with your partner
3. Interview other people who you admire their relationship
STEP 9 LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO PRACTICE WHAT I AM LEARNING
1. Reliving past situations that has worked in the past and use them today
2. Role play potential situations
STEP 10 LEARN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY DECISIONS IN THE PAST

Author:  Recovery [ Wed Oct 02, 2019 8:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 40
PROTECTING THE BOUNDARIES OF OTHERS
A. The boundaries of my spouse
1. As her husband she expects me not to lust lust after female family members
a. I will not lust or watch her female family members
b. I will leave the area or the function to protect my spouse from being put through this type of situation
2. I will not insist that my spouse make love to me if is is not in the mood.
3. I will work on my recovery because I want to recover not because she tells me to
B. If I have violated one of her boundaries
1. I will be honest on what I did
2. I will show her I am sorry by not doing not doing do that action again and not just say the words but take action to change
C. If my spouse tells me I have broken one of her values
1. I will accept what I did was wrong and take responsibility for my actions
2. I will lookat where I went wrong and not do the same thing again
3. I will show that I have change by my actions.

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 41
MASTERING BOUNDARY AWARENESS
* There was a family birthday party coming. At these parties the men start drinking heavy and I drink very little. The men will start talking Spanish and I don't speak and I don't understand much Spanish. I usually get bored at these parties and I start watching the women. I told my wife before we went that I would leave the party early after dinner. That's exactly what I did and I kept to one of my boundaries not to disrespect my wife by lusting.
*When my wife is very stressed over many of life's challenges she will get very angry with me at times over small things and takes her stress out on me. I used to get very defensive and argue back and start taking things personally and feeling I am not a worthy person. Now I am better by putting these situations in perspective and try to be patient and understanding and not take it personally. I also try to help my wife by listening and being supportive.
VALUES AND BOUNDARIES OF SOMEONE ELSE
The person I chose is my wife
*Value: Being respectful as her husband around other women
Boundary:
1. Do not lust after other women
2. Do not get into long or personal conversations with other women
3. Be totally honest on all my actions
4. Lesson and not interrupt when my wife is sharing with me

Author:  Recovery [ Sat Nov 16, 2019 6:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 42
Review lesson 28 (Developing Compulsive Chains)
I Made sure I understood these chains from elements to the beginning, the point of no return and ending point of a chain.
This has helped me in managing my rituals. I am more aware when a ritual can start and do things to stop them.before it progresses to a point of no return.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Nov 19, 2019 6:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

LESSON 43
EMOTIONAL COMFORT SCALE
1 VERY STRESSED ALL WEEK
+ A person wants to file a suite against me because she claims I discriminated against her because I refused to rent a property to her that I was renting. She wants me to pay $7500.
+ I needed to apply for a passport to take a trip with my adult children but I don't have a copy of my birth certificate and I might not receive a copy on when they want to go.
+ One of my past clients says they got a notice from the franchise tax board saying they owed over $100,000 in taxes and he blames me that I did something wrong when I helped him sell his real estate property.
+ My wife blames me because she says I should have known better how to avoided these problems.
EMOTIONAL COMFORT SCALE FOR THESE SITUATIONS
1. Over the past week #(25) Major stresses
2. Just prior to the first element # (45) Moderate anxiety
3. Just after the first urge # (75) i wanted to find some images of women on my phone
4. Denied myself on acting on the urge # (55) mild anxiety
BEST TIME TO MAKE A VALUE BASED DECISION
At element # 1

Author:  Kenzo [ Tue Nov 26, 2019 1:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Recovery's recovery thread*

Hi Recovery
I just wonder why you post in this forum rather than the standard recovery forum
Your posts herein are easily missable and the other forum provides more likelihood of feedback from the active mentors
I appreciate that formerly you was in private coaching but now?
just a question
good luck on your journey

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