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 Post subject: HHEGGL - Recovery
PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2020 3:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 1:53 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson - 1
A. Three keys to establish a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery
1. Actively committing myself to change – Only I know when I am “involved” with my problem; thoughts, fantasy, lust, denial, lying and avoiding. Only I can make the change that is required
2. Not allowing guilt and shame to sabotage my commitment to change. My guilt and shame often result in a defensive and avoidant thought(s) and action(s). I must encourage and believe in my commitment to move forward. Guilt and shame can be negative forces.
3. Allowing myself time to change – the reality of my problem (the unveiling of my secret world began 23 months ago) began first with the effects on my relationship with my wife with out full disclosure and now 8 months after “discovery day”. Time has been filled with denial, inflicting pain with words and actions and struggling with a 12 step program. I have misused and wasted time already. I know that time for recovery is needed. I will allow time for recovery and can view the future as a healthy place.

B. Reasons to permanently change my life
1. Respect my wife for the unique women that she is, for the love she has given and the effort she has made.
2. To feel emotional secure with myself
3. To be present and honest with my wife at all time
4. To feel and express love and caring to those closest to me
5. To be humble and grateful for those that are part of my life – those that love me
6. To see others as people of value, that each has a worth far beyond what I can or should determine
7. To live with uncertainty and self-awareness to accept my limitations and yet live each day fully
8. To understand that fear and anxiety are just emotions that I can deal with. Fear and anxiety can help me grow.
9. To no longer judge others to support my avoidance of my own emotions and shortcomings
10. To understand I am unique and my addiction is not. I am worthy.
11. To be vulnerable is not weakness, it is to share myself with another.
12. To be emotional is not a weakness it is an opportunity for self-awareness and healthy choices.

Lesson 2 – My Vision
Become emotionally mature by being self-aware and understand that my responses and reactions are choices that I make. My choices will support my best self and those I love.
I expect the fear that has often driven my past choices. I have the courage to deal with the uncertainty.
Give to others – first and foremost my wife. Give; time, empathy, priority, support, encouragement. With my wife I commit to deep intimacy with heart, mind and body. Know her completely with-out judgement or conditions, know her for the unique beautiful soul that she is. Be vulnerable with her and grateful for every moment that I have.
Embrace how finite my life is and how important today is. If only one person could speak for me, then my wife’s testimony will be “he loved me completely and showed me every day” – my life would be a success.

Lesson - 3
Values extracted from my vision:
1. To have Self-respect and be self-aware
2. Be dedicated
3. Connect with my feelings
4. Communicate my feelings
5. Be mature, reflect and choose well
6. To be 100% responsible for my actions
7. Honesty with myself and others
8. Living with integrity
9. Strengthen my role as a husband
10. Connect intimately with my wife in all ways
11. Be passionate about our life together
12. Strengthen my role as a father
13. Live an empowered life with purpose
14. Live a creative life
15. Be understanding and thoughtful
16. Pursue wisdom
17. Give encouragement
18. Have patience and be kind to others
19. Have patience and be kind to myself
20. Have courage to be myself
21. Be dependable
22. Be adaptable
23. Live with humility
24. Live with the knowledge we are all children of G-d
25. Be positive
26. Bring joy to others
27. Empathy
28. Put the needs of others above my own
29. Be present, live in the now – today is real
30. Compassionate
31. Grateful
32. Spiritual
33. Vulnerable
34. Non-judgmental
35. Show & express my commitment
36. Be and act healthy; mind, body and spirit

Dark side values:
1. Exploring the forbidden
2. Indifference to consequences
3. Immediate gratification
4. Power
5. Excitement
6. Calm

Lesson 4 – Prioritized values:
1. Be mature, reflect and choose well (emotional response)
2. Be 100% responsible for my actions
3. Have Self-respect and be self-aware
4. Have courage to be my best self
5. Be honesty with myself and others
6. Live with integrity
7. Live with humility
8. Give encouragement (comfort), (trauma recovery)
9. Strengthen my role as a husband
10. Connect intimately with my wife in all ways
11. Be passionate about our life together
12. Empathy
13. Be dedicated
14. Grateful
15. Spiritual
16. Be and act healthy; mind, body and spirit

Lesson – 6, Building a Proactive Action Plans I

Give encouragement and comfort for the trauma my wife is experiencing.
• Her pain does cause anger, sadness and even motivation to escape. I will stay with her regardless of how I may feel the need to avoid or minimize the way she feels.
• Say supportive non-judgmental messages; I can hear that you are feeling -----, I can see you are in a great deal of pain, it must be difficult to feel so ----
• I will ask how she is feeling whenever I see signs of distress. As important as asking so is listening and staying present
• I will do the unexpected to lift her spirit; notes, compliments, say Thank you, neck massages, supportive of the wants she has and do for her with-out asking for direction or acknowledgement
• Read more about what she is experiencing and read with her the items that she finds and wants to discuss

Be passionate about our life together
• We are a team and I will act that we are to win together, we have a common goal.
• When making plans together I will let the excitement of being together be at the center of whatever we may do
• Our relationship is a priority. The “must do” and “have to” are to be kept in perspective
• Respect her opinion in private and in public
• Support, defend and protect her in any adverse situation
• Shine a light on her for others to see and stand aside
• Share thoughts and feelings together, be vulnerable and honest. Avoiding “fixing”
• Laugh & Smile. Have fun

Take care of myself, live a healthy lifestyle
• Continue with exercise plan
• Eat sensible
• Anticipate stress and plan accordingly. Procrastination can lead to stress.
• Boundaries with others that are consistent with my values


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 Post subject: Re: HHEGGL - Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2020 1:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 1:53 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson – 7, Building a Proactive Action Plans II June 13, 2020

1. Be mature, reflect and choose well (emotional response)
• Given my avoidant style with-in my family of origin I know that the formation of my addition began long ago with fantasy thoughts and then sexualized by the time I was 11. Too young to be considered mature and now I am too old to let such reactions just happen.
• What I have experienced and learned in SA is that my addition can be used at any time; stressed, not stressed, happy, sad, mad – anytime. Choices that require action like viewing pornography and masturbation I choose to stop. More subtle and more powerful are the emotional reactions or auto-reflexes that are part of an immature process to sooth or avoid. To be mature is to know that with reflection and self-awareness, I have choices. An emotional response is choice that can best meet my needs (values).
• I was young a long time ago. Now its time to be mature.

2. Be 100% responsible for my actions
• This is where self-awareness steps in and values take over even if it is minute by minute. There is no excuse, lie, or omission that can replace my own responsibility – honesty can be difficult but “I’m sorry” just doesn’t work anymore.

3. Have Self-respect and be self-aware
• Being self-aware is to understand I have options and choices to be made. Self-respect is knowing I have values that guide my life. These two work together, I know I am a person of worth and I respect myself.
• The Golden Rule is the measure I will use
• Sexual thoughts are not a unique gift they are an old trick to mask, deflect or avoid

4. Have courage to be my best self
• Fear has long been a stimulus for decision making and I now know I do not have to believe that the “right” decision must be made. It is ok to be wrong, to need more time, to talk about how I feel with my wife and others. It is ok. My future is not scripted for failure, success, or even to be bland.

5. Be honesty with myself and others
• The honest path is simple; no lies to remember

6. Live with integrity
• Incorporate my values in ever area of my life
• I am not subject to the expectations of old scripts from my family, I choose what it important for me and those I love

7. Live with humility
• I am not better than anyone else and no one is better than me
• A well lived life is the accomplishment I seek
• Give without expectation of receiving

8. Give encouragement and comfort for the trauma my wife is experiencing.
• Her pain does cause anger, sadness and even motivation to escape. I will stay with her regardless of how I may feel the need to avoid or minimize the way she feels.
• Say supportive non-judgmental messages; I can hear that you are feeling -----, I can see you are in a great deal of pain, it must be difficult to feel so ----
• I will ask how she is feeling whenever I see signs of distress. As important as asking so is listening and staying present
• I will do the unexpected to lift her spirit; notes, compliments, say Thank you, neck massages, supportive of the wants she has and do for her with-out asking for direction or acknowledgement
• Read more about what she is experiencing and read with her the items that she finds and wants to discuss
• Always create a safe place for her

9. Strengthen my role as a husband
• Be proactive with home responsibilities
• Be proactive with our financial planning
• Protect, defend and honor my wife

10. Connect intimately with my wife in all ways
• Talk & Listen to feelings, hopes, dreams, fears and concerns without judgement – no fixing
• Touching without sexual intention

11. Be passionate about our life together

• We are a team and I will act that we are to win together, we have a common goal.
• When making plans together I will let the excitement of being together be at the center of whatever we may do
• Our relationship is a priority. The “must do” and “have to” are to be kept in perspective
• Respect her opinion in private and in public
• Support, defend and protect her in any adverse situation
• Shine a light on her for others to see and stand aside
• Share thoughts and feelings together, be vulnerable and honest. Avoiding “fixing”
• Laugh & Smile. Have fun

12. Empathy
• What if it were me? Feel the pain, be soothing, acknowledge and give comfort, they are not be judged

13. Grateful
• With all that could be I will be grateful for all that I have

14. Spiritual
• G-d is
• G-d is my friend and mentor

15. Take care of myself, live a healthy lifestyle
• Continue with exercise plan
• Eat sensible
• Anticipate stress and plan accordingly. Procrastination can lead to stress.
• Boundaries with others that are consistent with my values


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 Post subject: Re: HHEGGL - Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2020 4:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 1:53 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson – 10, The concept of Absolute Honesty June 24, 2020

Honesty is about learning to communicate with yourself. Learning to develop a deep enough awareness to analyze the games that you play in your own head. It is about embracing the concept of being real. Of being a student of your own life—learning the nuances of your own thoughts. And this takes time to master.

The key to absolute honesty is to not hide behind deception in an effort to make yourself better in the eyes of those around you. Or in the eyes of yourself. It is to accept responsibility for managing all actions that you take in your life. And accepting all consequences of those actions.


IV - Lists

1. Stashed compulsive triggers
• Female images on TV, Print or Internet; suggestive clothing, suggestive poses, lingerie, nude images, very little clothing (bathing suits), tight fitting clothing
• Looking for a glimpse of private parts
• Memory of pornographic videos
• Items or objects I have fantasied about using during sex; ropes, ties, wrap
2. People I have used for compulsive sex or romantic thoughts
• Women I have had sex with before marriage
• Sinda (1998)
• Thida, co-worker
• Perry, co-worker
• Lilly, co-worker
• Sophia, co-worker
• Kim, co-worker
• Adriana, co-worker
• Female customers (many)
• Strangers; anyone in my field of view
• Females viewed on pornographic sites
• Open windows
3. Places I go for acting out compulsive behavior
• Office
• Appointments
• Driving in my car
• Internet for pornographic video and suggestive images
• Any public environment
• Walking the dog (RIP)


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 Post subject: Re: HHEGGL - Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:26 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 1:53 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson – 12, Assessing Unhealthy Recover Patterns June 24, 2020

1. I am very protective and stubborn and will try to calculate the risks and rewards that I will create or receive based my actions. This characteristic is deep rooted with my history of avoidance and is in conflict with several of my prioritized values. Humility is my answer
2. I overestimate my success rather than measure my progress. Procrastination
3. I minimize my behavior "It's not how it seems". Self-deception
4. I often attempt to "prove" my sincerity to my wife by voicing dreams, sharing words and making promises, rather than through my actions. It is difficult not knowing what is the “right” to share - empathy for expression and action for results.
5. I perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over my life, but a limited powerlessness over urges.
6. My relationship tends to be selfish. I spend more time avoiding perceived conflict than anything else. I struggle with honesty.

Lesson – 13, Healthy Recover Patterns June 26, 2020

1. In early recovery, I often "tested the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
2. In early recovery, I tended to explore many different trigger situations to see how well I could handle myself. To see "how far I had come". Of course, such behavior is often problematic — as it opens the individual up to additional infection. But it is a behavior that provides comfort to the adolescent like addict — no matter what stage of healing the wound may be in.
3. In early recovery, I perceived "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation" (SA).
4. I have accepted that I have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted my values, but realize that what matters is what I am doing, not what I did. I realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
5. My motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that I can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that I can be proud of.
6. I perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes my lack of skills in managing my urges.
7. I identify my future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage my life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
8. I will take a long, hard look at anything associated with my destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from my life. This refers to pornography, sexual fantasy and masturbation.
9. I tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that I have affected on others — especially my wife. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to her in other, more healthy ways.
10. My wife has cautious optimism. She can see the changes taking place, but remains unable to commit fully — as she continues to doubt her own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).


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 Post subject: Re: HHEGGL - Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:18 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 1:53 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson – 14, Daily Monitoring - I June 30, 2020

1. Did I choose to avoid today?
• Fear of rejection?
• Consider myself second or unimportant?
• Consider what I feel is already known or assumed?
2. Did I exhibit the courage to be myself today?
3. Was I completely honest today?
• Without second guessing?
• Without pre-judging?
• Without assuming a right or wrong outcome?
4. Did I express purpose today with action and not just words?
5. Did I communicate with my wife today and know that she was aware of the same?
6. Did I express gratitude today to my wife about our life together?
7. Did I protect, defend and honor my wife today?
8. Did I spend moments in prayer?
9. Did I express empathy of my wife and the way she feels today?
10. Did I take care of myself today – exercise, read and relax?


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