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PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:04 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:43 pm
Posts: 28
Exercise 51

To make a healthy decision--to master the skill of making healthy decisions--you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.
Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)


I am at a restaurant and I notice an attractive woman that is facing me at an adjacent table. I recognize the situation and become immediately aware that I have sexualized my environment. I become conscious of the urge to stare at her and see if she notices me and I am tempted to engage in this behavior.

Options:
1. Begin stealing glances at the woman and ignore the knowledge that staring at her and making eye contact is a violation of my new boundaries.
2. Recognize the woman is attractive, but do not cross my newly established values. Recognize I have begun to sexualize my environment, then connect to my values and remain within my boundaries, remember my commitment to my wife and do not stare or otherwise play any mind games.
3. Stop looking, know that I have the power to control my behavior and become connected to my values and remain within my boundary. Focus on my wonderful children, remember how blessed I am and appreciate the privilege to be a part of their life.
4. Make the decision to change seats at the table so that I cannot directly see the woman.

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries?
• Obviously, I would automatically eliminate item number 1 & 4.

What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)
• I’m not sure how a value conflict would occur, but if one did, I believe I would recognize the fact and make my choice to protect the value that was most important.

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences?

2. Recognize the woman is attractive, but do not cross my newly established values. Recognize I have begun to sexualize my environment, remember my commitment to my wife and do not stare or otherwise play any mind games.

• This is the best option, as it best protects my values and boundaries. I will have identified the options available to me, filtered each option through my existing values & boundaries, anticipated the consequences of those options and made the decision to act, taking responsibility for the consequences of that action
• The positive consequences reinforce the value of honesty, my commitment to my wife; it strengthens self worth and my self image. I prove I have control. Continuous behavior in this way permits me to expand myself as a man of depth and substance and allows me to be able to earn my wife’s trust, and ultimately become (again) her best friend. The consequence of repeated successes allows me to be become engaged with the world around me in a productive valuable way and eliminate ever inappropriately sexualizing my environment.
• The consequence for the wrong choice is negative and could create a compromising situation to my boundaries and values. The consequence would likely affect the way I feel about myself and not in a positive way. Such action is damaging to my core image that would start me down the slippery slope of negative self image, possibly leading to destructive behavior. Because of what I now know, I could not ever again delude myself, but only engage in such destructive behavior as a result of a conscious choice and obviously such a choice that I do not ever wish to do.
• The fact someone else knows I behaved in a particular manner is secondary to the importance of me knowing and being aware I protected my own boundaries.

3. Stop looking, know that I have the power to control my behavior and become connected to my values and within my boundary. Focus on my wonderful children, remember how blessed I am and appreciate the privilege to be a part of their life.

• This is an acceptable option, as honest appreciation of and focus on my family is supportive of my values and boundaries. I will have identified the options available to me, filtered each option through my existing values & boundaries, anticipated the consequences of those options and made the decision to act, taking responsibility for the consequences of that action.
• The positive consequences reinforce the value of honesty, my commitment to my wife as well as my children, as this behavior protects my value of family. It strengthens my core image and allows me to have depth to my identity. The consequence permits me to be free from the burden of sexualizing my environment and become engaged with life.
• Not choosing an appropriate option, would likely create a compromising situation to my boundaries and values. The consequence would likely affect the way I feel about myself and not in a positive way. Such action is damaging to my core image that would start me down the slippery slope of negative self image, possibly leading to destructive behavior.
• The fact someone else knows I behaved in a particular manner is secondary to the importance of me knowing and being aware I protected my own boundaries.


Last edited by iwillchangenow on Tue Jul 07, 2009 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:43 pm
Posts: 28
Exercise 52

1. Consider a situation in where this 'isolation' of emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial.


The first thought where isolating emotions would be beneficial in life would be people in the health care field who get thrown into very difficult and painful life and death situations such as emergency trauma care or child cancer treatment centers. Yet, I expect there are wonderfully rewarding successes that offset tragic experiences. But, I’m not sure how health care providers do it.

A second group or situation is Human Resources managers at public companies going through contractions & layoffs during difficult economic conditions. It has been reported at my company that our HR manager laughed at a joke – once, but still, no one believes he has a pulse.

A situation recently occurred where isolating my emotion was necessary for me to reason-through a business conflict I was entangled. I became aware a one year employee of mine who has performed brilliantly to date, was being coveted by another department manager within my company and momentum for this change was building, including my superior’s knowledge & support. This burned my butt. I did not like this, nor want any change and in fact I had an excellent argument why this employee should remain in my department. So when the other department manager and HR-guy approached me to formally propose the change, I firmly argued my case and refused to capitulate. After an hour discussing the relative merit, we agreed to shelve the issue and reconvene at a later date.

That evening as I reflected on the situation, I was able to realize that the root of the problem was that I had a subtle personality conflict with the other manager (He’s somewhat new & I don’t have complete faith and confidence in his commitment to the company) and I was using my “excellent argumentâ€ÂÂ


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 5:17 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:43 pm
Posts: 28
Exercise 53

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values--and therefore, a destructive act.


Anytime the act would violate one of my absolute boundaries; “I will not use sex, porn, or masturbation as a means to manage stress or control my emotionsâ€ÂÂ


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:42 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:43 pm
Posts: 28
Exercise 54

A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

On Sunday September 28th I wrote: “I realize I "didn't get it" on my first post, Sun Sep 21, 2008, so I've taken another stab at reasons why I seek to permanently change my life.â€ÂÂ


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