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joe's recovery thread
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Author:  CoachDevi [ Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:18 pm ]
Post subject: 

I commend you for continuing with your lessons without feedback and I think you have shown increasing insight and commitment. I think we all miss Jon so very much - he saw me through a very difficult time just before he passed on and I am forever grateful to him.

I particularly like your absolute boundaries - many people get stuck on this, but you have taken that extra step and set absolute boundaries which are right for your situation. However, I will challenge you here. You discuss the value of patience and also your propensity to anger with your partner. How do you think your expression of anger is consistent with your absolute boundary "I will not treat my partner in a way I would get mad at someone else for treating her" Are you treating this boundary as sacred, as precious, as part of your core identity of protector?

At some time in your recovery you might find this post by Coach Jon helpful, if you are having problems with the way you express your anger. ... ight=anger

Re the value of patience, this is such an important part of emotional maturity. Patience is the very essence of delaying immediate gratification and achieving emotional maturity. You have made me think about my own compulsivity and I can see that although I thought patience was an ingrained and almost instinctive value, I actually lack patience in some areas at a very deep level. I think there is a connection here with that black and white thinking that we are so familiar with.

As far as your core identity is concerned I think you need to expand on this. I would suggest that you re-read the lesson and look at some other threads. I think there is more to you than just a protector, although you have good insight as to how this has a negative impact as well as a positive one. Remember, your core identity is (or will develop into) the person you are when you are alone, or when you are with people other than your partner or your family. What values will you truly integrate so that they become the foundation and the bedrock that sustain you throughout your life in all situations?

I will you every good thing in your journey to health

Author:  joe [ Sun Jul 05, 2009 5:02 pm ]
Post subject:  thank you

again coach Devi for your time and input. I will look around and see other posts regarding my core identity.

Author:  joe [ Sun Jul 05, 2009 5:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Lesson 47, 4 examples

1) My partner leaving me and ending up living alone.
- Living alone with the knowledge I was truly alone. Having nothing but a computer to keep me company. The p.o.n.r. would be looking up porn. To create a break I would have to turn off the computer and get out of the house. Go do something, see someone anything.
- Loneliness would be a big one as well as sadness and depression. During the break I would have to remember that the honourable thing to do would be to stop. To remember that it wouldn’t be a one time thing but the beginning to another spiral downward and inward. I can’t forget how unhappy I was with the thing I thought made me happy all those years.

2) A family member or loved one passing on.
- The depth of sorrow. Feeling so down on everything that I need to feel balanced. Being alone and on a computer would be dangerous. Unless all else was right in my world (unrealistic expectation) I would be tempted to find a counter weight to the sadness. Again the p.o.n.r. would be surfing the net for porn. In a case like this I would have to approach my partner for support. I would have to come right out and say “I have a strong urge to act out…â€ÂÂ

Author:  joe [ Mon Jul 06, 2009 7:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Lesson 44 A. Redux, Core Identity

A. I can be very self aware when I want to be. In the past (looking back) I would lie even to myself. I am someone who looks to protect beliefs and loved ones. I am someone who will continue to look for knowledge about anything and everything. I believe in being helpful and aware of people around me (neighbours etc.). I will be honest and up front. I will be kind and polite. I will be funny without being harmful. I will continue to look for ways of bettering myself. I will live my life in a way that I can be considered a role model for others.

Author:  joe [ Thu Jul 16, 2009 7:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Lesson 48, urge awareness

When it comes to all 3 I feel quite comfortable. I remember a time just a few months back where it felt so hard not to look at women. Stare at behinds etc... Now I really seem to be on top of it. Whether it's the role playing, anticipating, or even actively seeking I find myself in control. I know what's going on. There are no blinders, I see it, feel it, and stop it.

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