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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:47 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hello learning to run

Quote:
[NOTE TO MODERATORS: I registered for this site nearly 2 weeks ago but have only just had my account activated. I have therefore posted all of my responses to the Lessons to date which I hope is OK]

for sure
this is your thread, your journey your responsibility and if executed diligently your salvation

you have made a very good and positive start well done and welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction, as you have demonstrated thus far, then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you

your vision IMO needs work, your vision should be the cornerstone of the foundation of your recovery so perhaps it would be useful for you to at least take a read of coach Mel's "how to" it can be found at the top of this forum
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:21 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
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Thanks for your comments and feedback Kenzo which were very helpful and encouraging. Thank you also for pointing me towards Mel's How To thread which I hadn't noticed at that time and made interesting reading. I certainly found it far easier to structure a Vision statement picturing it as being what you hope people might say about you at your funeral. Having given this more thought I have reworked my Vision and shown it below. If there is still work needed on this I would welcome any feedback.

My Vision (Reworked)

To be seen as a man who is respectable, generous, loyal and completely trustworthy.
A person that family, friends and colleagues can turn to in their time of need knowing that they will willingly get my time, help and support to help them through their crisis.
To also be seen as a loving husband who appreciates his wife and sees her as his best friend, there to provide love and support through the good and the difficult times.
To be a caring father who is there for his son and will encourage, nurture, coach and help him to be the best person that he can be.
To be a successful business leader known for my creativity, vision and energy and surrounded by a team of individuals that feel valued, motivated and lucky to be working with me.
To be someone who is seen to be successful in business but achieves the right work/life balance
To be known by family, friends and colleagues for being someone who is calm, unconfrontational and will use his sense of humour to bring a smile to their faces and brighten their day


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:54 am 
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LESSON 19

Deepen your awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are engaging in them.

I am fairly confident that the key trigger for me acting out is the perception of boredom. If I am at work and I am undertaking a fairly monotonous task then I will want to break away from it temporarily to "reward myself" with a little excitement. I will keep an awareness over the next day or two of any rituals and record them below but will pay particular attention to how I react when becoming bored.

Day 1
1. Having just arrived into work I am planning my day ahead around meetings and tasks that I have to do. I have noticed that I am looking for opportunities to have things to look forward to during the course of the day and have immediately jumped to having the timings and arrangements of my lunch clear in my mind before I get into the details of the work related stuff. As part of my values list I had put down to either read a book or do a crossword and instinctively I have got the feeling of improved state of mind knowing that I have a few chapters of my book to look forward to. 3 weeks ago I would have gone through the same thought process but would have earmarked that time to do some internet research to get my fix.
2. Our office is empty when I arrive in in the morning and I have a couple of hours to myself. As soon as I would ordinarily arrive in I would work out what I am going to research on the internet to get me aroused and then would go to the bathroom to masturbate. I would justify this to myself by telling myself that it will get rid of the urge and therefore clear my mind to concentrate on the day job. I would feel guilt and shame afterwards though. This morning I have a sense of looking forward to opening up RN and looking at the next lesson and getting a better understanding each day of my addiction and how to overcome it. I enjoy doing the exercises and recording and posting my responses helps me acknowledge my thoughts by publicising them. I can sense that I would struggle to stop the rituals and have nothing in its place and I feel that I am handling the "need" (boredom) by engaging in an activity that is healthy for me and will get me where I want to be long term rather than the short term unhealthy fixes.
3. After being in work for 2 hours the coffee guy arrives in his van and I go down to get my morning coffee. I like the taste of coffee but don't get a buzz from it like some do. For me I can tell that this is another daily ritual where I get a temporary break from my desk ("cure the boredom") to walk out of the office and bring back a cup of nice smelling and tasting coffee that makes me feel relaxed.
4. As I am alone in the office first thing I turn music on for the first hour or two so that I can listen to it as I work and also take brief breaks ("cure the boredom") to watch some of the music videos.
5. I received a work email this morning about a dinner I am going to this Friday evening. The email informed us that we are sharing our table with another company and it listed the 5 people's names, 3 of whom are women. My ritual reaction was to want to google them to see if I could find pictures of them, say on their company website, to see if I would fancy them or not ahead of potentially chatting to them at the dinner.
6. I went to a seminar this morning where I knew I would be getting some filter coffee to drink. This meant giving up my coffee man coffee at the office and I felt some degree of being deprived from my morning treat! Then at the Seminar I spotted that there was a big plate of cookies on a tray available so I helped myself to them which I also saw as giving myself a treat to make up for the coffee switch. I am noticing a definite theme of me having rituals either to avoid moments of boredom and/or to give myself little treats which I look forward to during the day.
7. I have been with my current employer for 4 years this week and have been receiving some LinkedIn messages congratulating me. I took a moment to skim down the recent LinkedIn posts and found a photo of the girl I had an affair with several years ago receiving an award. I haven't had contact with or seen her face for years and it was a very weird feeling. My initial reaction was "why on earth did I do that?" which is probably a good thing to be thinking! I know that had I spotted that before I started this programme it would have made me think back to some of those exciting experiences and get a kick out of it which would then lead to masturbation. Instead it almost scared me and I logged out of it.
8. I am about to leave work and, as anticipated, I have had moments throughout the day where I have looked to break the boredom briefly by using the internet. I know that my ritual here is to look up inappropriate material but instead I have been opening up RN and having a nose through other peoples' posts and threads which has made interesting (in a healthy way!) reading for me. I have therefore been able to find a way of maintaining the brief breaks from work but in a far more healthy way.

Day 2
1. I noticed when I was shaving this morning that my mind drifts to look ahead to what is happening that day. I could sense myself instinctively identifying moments which could potentially excite me and feed my rituals when they arise.
2. On reflecting back on yesterday and this morning and trying to think more about healthy rituals that I have, I see that my day is littered with them. My wife and I are (perhaps a little sad!) very organised/OCD type people who feel more comfortable having routines and knowing who does what. For me this will range from what time I get up, whether I exercise (pre-set days), my washing/dressing routine, breakfast at work at 6.30am whilst on internet, coffee van at 8.30am, team cookie break at 10.30am, lunch break at 11.45am, home at 6.00pm for dinner, getting son ready for bed at 7.30pm, sit down with wife and cup of tea and chat at 8.30pm, watch TV for an hour at 9.00pm and then to bed. This routine actually make me feel comfortable and know where I am. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I have a number of my rituals which are similarly engrained and by removing them I will want something (albeit it healthy) in its place otherwise I will start to get anxious that it won't be sustainable.
3. I run the office so am in charge. I have noticed through today that there have been moments where my staff have spoken to me about different ways of handling certain issues and when we have chatted through the options that we have ended up with an agreed way forward being the way that I wanted it to be done. The interesting thing though is that the person has been left feeling that they have been involved in the debate and happy with the outcome. What they haven't realised is that I have "influenced" (which is the nice word - "manipulated" is the not so nice word) them to coming round to my way of thinking. This ability to influence/manipulate is a key skill in my armoury to entice potential victims into my email ritual. That skill would appear to be very much a double edged sword!
4. We are now after hours at work and my senior colleague who is the only other person still in work with me is about to leave slightly earlier than normal. I notice that as soon as he announced his unexpectedly imminent departure I got a rush of excitement that I would have the opportunity to do something ritualistic. I have not taken that route and have instead put some music on and jotted down some notes for this but it is going to take a while to change my instinctive reactions to things.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:13 am 
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LESSON 20

1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date

I have probably written far more than is expected here but I have found it to be a really helpful review of my life and how the rituals started and then became engrained.

childhood to prepubescent teen
I had an idyllic childhood in a loving close family home. We moved house when I was 8 (England to Scotland) where I obviously stood out because of my English accent but settled in. I can remember looking at my teachers and having my first naughty thoughts but can't really remember the detail of them, it would have been pretty tame. There were no rituals or real sexual thought during this time.

prepubescent teen through teenager
At 11 we moved back down to England again and now I was the one out being the only one with a Scottish accent. I was bullied and found it quite a stressful time. My friends and I were starting to go through puberty and girls/women suddenly became very interesting. I had moved to a boys school which placed emphasis on female teachers and the fantasies started. It was the late 70s so a period of lots of excitement - mods & rockers (scary) and bands like The Police and Blondie. Debbie Harry was the fantasy of every boy in our school and was, quite frankly, sex on legs. I had tried masturbating which I found arousing to start with but I obviously wasn't ready because it hurt after a while. That didn't stop me trying fairly regularly though.
At 12 I met my best friend who lived nearby and he was 15. He smoked and I thought he was really cool so I started to smoke too. I met another friend through him who was 17 but he was a computer gamer geeky type that I also got on well with. I then met a girl through the geeky mate (his sister's best mate) and she was 15 and was a woman to me. She was tall, blond, great figure with large breasts. I have no idea whatsoever what she saw in a tall skinny 12 year old but we were suddenly an item. Her parents were moving them away so they went to London first while they tried to sell their house. My girlfriend was allowed to stay in the house on her own for a few weeks before the move. I therefore had lots of time with her alone in her house. She is the first girl that I kissed and then that quite quickly led to seeing her naked and touching her. She gave me oral and without realising it I came in her mouth which is the first time that I had ever managed an orgasm. There was no turning back from there as I then realised I could masturbate to orgasm which became a daily ritual from that point on. We talked about having full sex but the only thing stopping me was the fear of getting her pregnant as a 12 year old and knowing that would ruin my life (ironically I had values back then and observed them!). She then moved away and our family moved house again shortly after.
For me, this period had a big impact on me. I think I was exposed to some things that were incredibly exciting but just wasn't emotionally ready for them at such a young age.

teenager through young adulthood
For the early part of my teenage years I felt like I was a fairly normal masturbating teenager! I had certainly come to love the thrill of doing that and it became engrained and a daily ritual very quickly. I would watch TV programmes and became very interested in watching women acting sexily and would fantasise about that a lot. I was now at a mixed school and had some girls interested in me but I was reluctant to get involved with them as the other boys were still anti-girls and I didn't want to stand out. That didn't stop me looking at them and fantasising about them though.
At aged 15/16 is probably when boys for the first time are comfortable in dating girls for the first time. I was ready for it at that time and would have liked to have gone out with someone again. The end of year exams were celebrated by a girl in our year throwing a party at her house for the whole year as her parents were away. I went along and got badly drunk for the first time. It sounds dramatic but I had a horrible hangover that lasted days but I went on holiday to somewhere hot with my parents 2 days later and between the bumpy flight and roasting hot coach journeys the hangover was prolonged and I felt ill all the time. This started panic attacks which were to dog me for many years. It stopped me wanting to go to university or dating girls because I didn't want to humiliate myself getting an attack and throwing up in front of them. I had a brief dating period with a girl when I was 18 which was exhausting dealing with the panics and then she didn't want to have sex until we were engaged which wasn’t going to happen so that finished. She was very smothering which put me off dating other girls for a few years.
This was another pivotal period for me, having felt like I was ahead of the curve with my early sexual experiences I suddenly felt like I had been left behind which made me angry and frustrated. The limit of my sexual encounters were (at least) daily masturbating sessions.

young adulthood through adulthood
I bought a flat when I was 22 and shortly after moving in I knew I had to lost my virginity sooner rather than later and had the digs to accommodate that. I played a mixed outdoor sport socially and I used to flirt with one of the married women in her 40s there. One evening I lured her back to my flat and ended up in bed with her. At last I had had sex properly for the first time. She wanted to keep seeing me but I didn't want an emotional relationship so cut her off which was awkward. Not too long after I met my first wife who was older and more experienced sexually than me. She made it clear that she didn't like the idea that I was so inexperienced. She lived a few hours drive away from me. My confidence was suddenly growing and out of nowhere women suddenly started showing interest in me. For a phase of a few years, anyone that I wanted I managed to get into bed. It felt so powerful. I felt like I had to make up for lost time and bedded a series of married girls at work that were my age. Each time it was one night stands (although I knew them well as friends through work) and cut them off which made them feel awful and was awkward. I had developed a shield that enabled me to act out but feel emotionless about it afterwards which blocked me feeling so guilty with my then wife who I was now living with.
I moved jobs and was still appealing to the ladies in the office. I had another one night stand with someone but in some ways it felt different, more than sex. I fell in love with her and had an affair with her. She made me realise that I was unhappy in my marriage so I broke up with my wife and a few years later married the girl I had the affair with. She had become and still is my best friend. I promised myself I would never be unfaithful to her and that held true for a good many years. We tried to have kids and it took a long time during which time sex became a functional thing with the emotional swings of not falling pregnant. After 4 years she fell pregnant and 16 weeks in she miscarried which was devastating. We then went down the IVF route and were lucky enough for it to work first time. As a result of her fear of miscarrying again there was a sex ban imposed immediately. Masturbation was to play a major role as that was my only sex life for a long time. The night our son was born she nearly died giving birth and was a very traumatic time for us. The next few years obviously revolved around him which was fine but any attempts at resuming any kind of sex life over the next 3 years or so were rebuked. I had convinced myself that I may never have sex again and started fantasising about escorts. I did lots of research and developed a thrill when I pictured actually going through with seeing one but for a long time didn't act on it. The habitual nature kicked in and before long it wasn't enough to pretend to go through with it to get my rush, I actually needed to do it for real. I slept with 6 escorts over a period of a few months. Some experiences were better than others but in all cases I was left feeling that it was a service with no feeling and it left me feeling empty on top of the guilt and shame so I stopped. I had broken my barrier down though of maintaining a faithful relationship which is when my mind started to convince itself that if I had been unfaithful with escorts, then what was the difference with sleeping with someone I knew from work again. I started emailing someone I knew that had left a client of mine that I had always flirted with and fancied. She was very attractive, had a boyfriend and was 15 years younger than me. I had tried to get her to talk to me about more personal things but she wasn't interested. Then her boyfriend left her with a flat and a mortgage and she was strapped for cash. After a lot of persuasion and some initial failed attempts I convinced her to send me naked photos of herself in exchange for cash. When the first photos came through the feeling of power was immense as I had fantasised about her for a long time. The photos turned to video clips in time and the sweet innocent girl I thought I knew turned out to have a very naughty side to her. She eventually asked me to sleep with her but I was going through one of my guilt and shamed phases and turned her down. Not long after a girl at work also in her mid twenties who was stunning allowed me to chat and flirt with her harmlessly. I took a massive gamble having an email exchange with her but wanted to re-enact the rush I got from talking the other girl around. Amazingly she took the bait and agreed to meet me one evening when we were both away separately on business. We ended up in bed and I felt like I was dreaming. Our affair didn't last long, we only slept together a half a dozen times but was very intense. Just as it was finishing my wife found out when she accessed my email account which had a full history of everything I had ever done which was awful. We both had counselling and agreed to stay together but I had caused so much damage. It has taken years to get back on track but the past can not be deleted but we are back in a good place again.
I doubt I will sleep with someone else again now but I still get the rushes and urges when I fantasise. I flirted with women and I have regularly explored the internet for photos particularly of celebrities which get me aroused. I justify these things in my mind by telling myself ("but at least I'm not sleeping with anyone") but I know this isn't the point. And it requires willpower to resist certain situations and the urges often get overwhelming.

2) Look to future transitions in your life
I have another 10 years or so until I retire. That will create a massive void for me which I will need to fill to replace the healthy excitement that I currently get from doing my job. I will need to plan ahead but such a void being so much opportunity for identifying unhealthy ways of getting excitement. I know I am on my last life with my wife and I don't want to lose it. I feel real fear over what the future holds knowing the stupid things that have gone on in the past. This programme has given me real hope for the first time that I can overcome the urges and be confident I can be healthy.

3) Summary Thoughts
This exercise has brought back a lot of emotional memories for me but has been helpful in identifying some key areas which have inevitably driven my behaviour, these being:
i) Sexual experiences before I was emotionally ready for them
ii) Bullying at a boys school where I was the odd one out at a time where my hormones were starting to rage and engrained the masturbation habit
iii) My panic attacks stopped me leading a normal late-teenage life making me feel like I was being left behind
iv) Suddenly women noticed me and I tried to make up for lost time which became addictive
v) After the escorts/affairs stage stopped the rushes were gained from inappropriate emails/photos instead and the sense of achievement when I persuaded them to tell/show me what I wanted
In its various forms sex has given me great stimulus which I have no doubt used to get through difficult periods in my life. I have used it for nearly 40 years and it has engrained itself in me where I can now see that I have made countless emotions fuelled decisions at the potential dramatic cost to my true values


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2017 7:56 am 
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LESSON 21

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?
15 years ago I finished my professional qualifications via exams. Since then I have always wanted to "finish off" the qualifications by moving to the next level which is by demonstrating professional development over time. This involved me writing a paper on what I had learned since qualifying.
I submitted my paper and it was rejected on the basis that I had not adhered to the instructions. In reality I had chosen to ignore the guidance because I thought I knew better and decided it was more important that the paper contained my own views than creating some balance by introducing others' counter arguments before reaching my conclusion.
So I failed because I did not make a well balanced plan that anticipated the obstacles that I would need to overcome along the process and felt that I knew better than everyone else.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
5 years ago my doctor told me that I had to lose 1.5 stones (21 lbs) in weight for health reasons. I realised that this was a big challenge but I went away and worked out a plan of how I felt I could achieve it. I used the basic formula of needing to burn off more calories than I was taking in and set myself a realistic timeframe to steadily lose weight. I committed to doing exercise classes before work 3 mornings a week, to not drink alcohol during the week and to eat sensibly by avoiding too much in the way of chocolate or treats.
The plan worked and over 3 months I lost weight to reach my target and felt very good about myself.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully.
One recovery goal that I have is to spend more quality time with my son. Whilst I try to find opportunities during the week I am setting a more specific goal in relation to this on a Sunday where the idea is to earmark this as his time but in addition to the other opportunities I aim to find generally throughout the remainder of the week. I am setting this as follows:

To spend at least 1 hour on Sundays with my son engaging in whatever activity he would like (e.g. playing football or other sports in the garden, joining him on a computer game, etc). I will approach this by:
1. Speaking to him in advance to see if he would like to do this
2. Reminding him on a Sunday morning and asking him to think about what activity he would like to do that day
3. Ensure I have any potential distractions removed so that I can stick to that hour with him
4. Make an effort to avoid any kind of conflict situation where winning or losing is involved so that the activity is fun throughout


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:26 am 
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LESSON 22

Ritual Measured
Inappropriate Emails

Primary Elements Involved & Filters Applied

Power - 3
Time - no meaningful impact on the power derived from success; 3
Intensity - as the emails progress and the person starts to give me what I want the feeling of powerful becomes very intense; 10
Habituation - when I have got what I want from someone I would target someone else to keep it fresh so low habituation; 3
Score - 48/6; 8.0

Danger - 3
Time - no meaningful impact on the danger other than the anticipation waiting to see if they will take the bait or refuse which suddenly creates a horribly awkward situation as I will still have normal contact with them (that is the danger element); 5
Intensity -the build up of emails leading the the pivotal one to see if they will play builds up massive intensity where I will either get what or I want or fact the horrible rejection; 10
Habituation - when I have got what I want from someone I would target someone else to keep it fresh so low habituation; 3
Score - 54/6; 9.0

Values Assigned & Filters Applied

Orgasm - 2
Time - I have control over the time taken to relive the exchanges leading to success so can take exactly the right time to Orgasm when masturbating afterwards; 8
Intensity - the intensity isn’t as strong and when the emails are occurring but reliving it enables a build up of tension and recall over the danger/anticipation at the time; 6
Habituation - having a selection of memories to choose from keeps some variety; 4
Score - 36/6; 6.0

Accomplishment - 2
Time - the longer it has taken to break someone down and get them to play the greater the feeling of accomplishment when it works; 8
Intensity - the harder I have to work to get them to play the more intense the feeling of accomplishment when it works; 8
Habituation - as soon as the goal is achieved the boredom with that individual will quickly settle in; 2
Score - 36/6; 6.0

Sensory (visual) - 2
Time - the emails primarily aim to get them to share personal details about how they look naked and their sexual preferences but thereafter quickly love towards trying to get photos of them naked. The more time it takes to persuade them the better it feels when I succeed; 6
Intensity - seeing them naked for the first time having fantasised about it for a long time is incredibly intense; 9
Habituation - shortly after seeing them naked my interest starts to drop fairly quickly; 4
Score - 38/6; 6.3

Suspense - 2
Time - some people take a long time to respond which is incredibly frustrating but builds the excitement and anticipation; 6
Intensity - sending the key email which will make or break creates an incredibly tense anticipation; 9
Habituation - once they have agreed to play the suspense starts to drop; 5
Score - 40/6; 6.7

Total Score - 42.0


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:15 pm 
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LESSON 23

Share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery

I have found Lessons 22 & 23 very interesting as I would instinctively have identified my strongest rituals around seeing (“Sensory”) women that I know naked. When I broke the ritual down into its various elements the Sensory (sight) element was in fact not a primary element at all but rather Power and Danger were. It was therefore possible to more clearly see that rather than me thinking “I can’t help it I am just addicted to wanting to see women that I know naked”, my rituals have actually been made up of a personal cocktail of different elements each of which will have my own particular level of stimulus. Breaking it down in this way makes me see the logic on how there will be a way of looking at each piece in turn as part of the recovery process but also that it has been a cocktail I have developed, perfected and then engrained over a long time. That therefore gives me encouragement that something more healthy can be learned and engrained in its place.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Learning
Quote:
That therefore gives me encouragement that something more healthy can be learned and engrained in its place.

looks like a Eureka moment
:g: :g: :g:
but remember ingraining healthy values means leaving those unhealthy values based on emotion behind
do this for you and do it now

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:58 am 
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LESSON 24

I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread. 

POWER
I get into my head that I want something I am not entitled to and seek the feeling of power/control that I can get it anyway.

DANGER
There is risk involved which heightens the excitement (e.g. watching porn at work desk, masturbating at work, approaching someone I know for inappropriate emails and the risk that it could go wrong)

SENSORY
Imagery is important (e.g. seeing celebrities naked or seeing the email targets naked) and feeling of touching myself during masturbation

SUSPENSE
The anticipation of achieving a goal heightens the stimulation (e.g. waiting for the email response or hearing that a new naked celebrity phone leak has just occurred and trying to find it)

ACCOMPLISHMENT
Achieving the end goal (e.g. getting desired email response, finding the targeted naked celebrity picture) gives me a sense of satisfaction and links to the original Power objective

ORGASM
When achieving initial goals (e.g. successful emails, celebrity pictures) I will masturbate whilst reliving it

FANTASY
Having imagery of email targets/celebrity pictures allows me to fantasise about them. The fantasy is more intense about people I know as there is (in theory) a greater chance of the fantasy becoming a reality

Element #1 - I finish a particular task at work and feel like I deserve a reward for it before moving on, I justify deserving to have regular levels of excitement because I work harder than everyone else.
Element #2 - I can sense that if I do not give myself the reward I will become bored and not be able to move on to my next work task
Element #3 - I convince myself that there is no harm in quickly trying to find some pictures of naked celebrities or email someone (SENSORY pictures / POWER emails)
Element #4 - I becoming quickly aroused at the anticipation of perusing my goal (SUSPENSE)
Element #5 - the danger of doing this at my desk right next to my colleagues heightens the stimulation (DANGER)
Element #6 - when I find the picture or receive the desired email response I get a rush (ACCOMPLISHMENT)
Element #7 - I then use the image (SENSORY) created to picture a scenario of having sex with them (FANTASY)
Element #8 - I run through the scenario in my mind, go to the bathroom and masturbate to it to completion (ORGASM)
Element #9 - almost immediately after reaching orgasm I feel guilt and shame that I have performed the same act that I have done for the last 40 years and feel like a stupid masturbating teenager rather than a responsible senior businessman
Element #10 - I clean up and walk back to my desk with my hands in my pockets hoping no-one thought I took too long or notices my erection before I sit down
Element #11 - I promise myself that this behaviour has to stop and I will research some online help

II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).

CELEBRITY PHOTOS
Element #1 - finish a particular task at work and feel like I deserve a reward for it before moving on
Element #2 - I can sense that if I do not give myself the reward I will be bored and not be able to move on to my next work task
Element #3 - I convince myself that there is no harm in quickly trying to find some pictures of naked celebrities
Element #4 - I becoming quickly aroused at the anticipation of trying to find some pictures
Element #5 - the danger of looking at them at my desk right next to my colleagues heightens the stimulation
Element #6 - we have firewall blocks for porn sites at work so it makes the search for naked pictures more challenging but that makes the accomplishment greater if I manage to find them
Element #7 - depending on how much time I feel I can dedicate to this I choose between trying to find new pictures I haven’t seen before which would be more stimulating (low habituation) but that will take longer or going quickly to images I have viewed previously but will have a lesser excitement attached to them (higher habituation)
Element #8 - I find the images that I want to see and remind myself that the women I am looking at did not want me to see these as the images were stolen from them but these are the same women that I watch on TV that I find attractive (greater intensity)
Element #9 - I start to fantasise about them wanting to have sex with me and I can visualise what that would look like as I now know what they look like naked
Element #10 - I get an erection either naturally and/or by discretely rubbing myself underneath the desk which is very dangerous next to my colleagues
Element #11 - when sufficiently erect I close down the internet and go to the bathroom
Element #12 - there are time pressures as I can’t be longer than I would if I was going to the bathroom normally which causes pressure and increases the stimulation
Element #13 - I masturbate picturing the scene of having sex with the celebrity in my head
Element #14 - if I time it correctly the scene I run through in my head concludes just as I orgasm which makes it more intense
Element #15 - almost immediately after reaching orgasm I feel guilt and shame that I have performed the same act that I have done for the last 40 years and feel like a stupid masturbating teenager rather than a responsible senior businessman
Element #16 - I clean up and walk back to my desk with my hands in my pockets hoping no-one thought I took too long or notices my erection before I sit down
Element #17 - I promise myself that this behaviour has to stop and I will research some online help

INAPPROPRIATE EMAILS
Element #1 - I finish a particular task at work and feel like I deserve a reward for it before moving on
Element #2 - I can sense that if I do not give myself the reward I will become bored and not be able to move on to my next work task
Element #3 - I reflect on my list of potential email targets to see if any of them particular appeal to me at that time and convince myself that there is no harm in sending them a quick email to say Hi and I will probably not ask them anything inappropriate but the exchanges will potentially create that opportunity which will give me a rush even if I don’t pursue it
Element #4 - I send the email and then experience the anticipation of their name appearing in my inbox
Element #5 - when they reply I get aroused hoping that they have seen this as the opportunity they have been waiting for
Element #6 - after a couple of exchanges I start to step up the questioning to turn it into a more personal nature. I try and minimise the danger by asking their permission to ask more personal questions but for the conversation to stay strictly between us. If they say No at this stage then it will be awkward when I next see them but it feels a manageable risk to take.
Element #7 - if they agree then I try to take control of the situation by establishing some ground rules such as secrecy and openness. I then suggest that we can ask each other anything we like but we need to answer it ourselves first. This achieves two things, firstly that they will know personal information about me whether they like it or not as I will go first and secondly it tends to make them feel obliged to reciprocate
Element #8 - the anticipation of their replies to these early emails where I have crossed the personal barrier is very intense. Opening up a response that starts to provide me with the personal information that I am seeking is very arousing. Often it takes some persuasion to get them to let their guard down but that increases the sense of accomplishment when they do it. If they told me everything voluntarily quickly it would have nowhere near the same effect.
Element #9 - when I have obtained the personal information that I was originally seeking (e.g. description of how they look, sexual preferences, etc) then habituation starts to set in and I want more so the questioning will go to a new level such as what their sexual fantasies are, their masturbating habits and if they have ever masturbated whilst thinking about me)
Element #10 - I will then offer to write them short fantasy scenarios revolving around them having sexual with people, I will give them a sample with me as their sexual partner under the guise of it being easier to write that way but it means that they are picturing having sex with me
Element #11 - if they like what they have read (which they generally do) then I offer more scenarios which are tailored to their sexual fantasies they have already told me about and will involve me as their partner
Element #12 - the scenarios get them very aroused and pushes their buttons which makes them more open to letting me see photos of them naked. This stage can take a while to build trust and talk them into doing something they have never done before but they can generally be persuaded
Element #13 - seeing the first naked pictures is incredibly a rousing and a massive sense of power and achievement
Element #14 - in one instance in the past I took it a stage further and persuaded them to let me see them naked face to face and that lead to me having sex with them and a brief affair
Element #15 - the cycle above will typically take a couple of weeks but I will fantasise about possible favourable outcomes and masturbate along the way. The more successful I am along the way the feelings and stimulation are more intense.
Element #16 - when I have achieved my goal of seeing them naked and achieve orgasm through masturbation I feel guilt and shame and promise myself that I won’t ever do it again a and will seek online help


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 5:40 am 
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LESSON 25

Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements in a similar fashion as exampled above in Compulsive Ritual: Exhibitionism.

#1 Lose interest in the task I am doing at work and feel that I deserve a treat
#2 Search internet to see if any recent new celebrity hacked phone nude images have been released
#3 Feel instant excitement when finding more actresses that I fancy have had their private naked photos shared
#4 Try to search for the images - the office firewall blocks porn sites and they are therefore difficult to find within a day or so of release which can be frustrating but at the same time very satisfying (more stimulating) when you find them
#5 If I find nude photos of someone I fancy I will then start to fantasise about them having sex with me
#6 If the fantasy is working well then I get an erection and know that I am going to masturbate
#7 I go to the bathroom and run through the fantasy again in my head and masturbate to it
#8 I orgasm then clean up and return to my desk
#9 I feel guilt and shame and promise myself I won’t do it again and will seek online help


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:21 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 27
LESSON 26

In the previous exercise, you were asked to label the elements involved with a particular ritual. In this exercise, you will be delving deeper into your awareness of that ritual. Here, you are asked to 'map out' one of your rituals. Make sure that you choose a specific ritual that you have engaged in (as in, last Thursday before work, I looked at porn); rather than a general compulsive behavior (as in, in the past, I looked at porn).

1. Over the previous 2 weeks I had been chatting to a girl that I fancied that was half my age and had recently left the employment of my client - she had given me her private email address to stay in touch. She had told me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend and would be left to fund the mortgage on her own. I had suggested to her that I would pay her to send me some naked pictures of her. It really excited and aroused me to press Send on that email.
2. I saw an email from her arrive in my Inbox an hour later and got very excited in anticipation - I knew she had read that I wanted to see her naked which turned me on regardless of her response and got aroused at the possibility of her agreeing to do it for me.
3. Her email said that she desperately needed to the money and would do it. I got an incredible rush of excitement and power knowing I had successfully manipulated her. She gave me her bank details and I paid the cash into her account at the bank the next day when I was in London and asked her to email me her pictures by the end of the day
4. I checked my phone throughout the day with an air of intense excitement and struggled to concentrate in my meetings. I hadn’t received anything by the time I went out to dinner with a client that evening and was feeling increasingly frustrated.
5. During the meal I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket indicating a new email arriving. I discretely checked my phone and saw an email had arrived from her with an attachment. I opened the email and read her message. She said that she hadn’t split with her boyfriend yet and what I was asking for was for his eyes only and that she wasn’t that kind of girl. She said she would keep the money and it should serve as a lesson for me. She had attached a clothed photo of herself for me. I was devastated and furious and had to mask my feelings through the rest of the meal.
6. Back at my hotel after the meal I sent her a long email expressing my annoyance and saying that she shouldn’t have agreed in the first place but should at least return the cash which she agreed to. The disappointment was horrible.
7. A few days later the cash was returned in the post.
8. A few days after that on a Sunday evening I checked my phone and she had sent me two more emails with a minute of each other. The first said that she really needed the money as her boyfriend had left her and if I would still like the photos and that under the circumstances she was prepared to send them first and then I could pay for them afterwards. Her second email asked me to ignore her first email and to to delete them. At that point I knew I could persuade her to do the photos for me which got me very aroused again, she was within my control now and that made me feel powerful.
9. The next day I sent her a long email explaining that she was capable of taking them and no-one would ever know and only I would ever see them. I said that she should just take them and send them if she felt ready and not to ask again after which I would send her the money straight away.
10. The morning after I was sat at my desk at work and I saw an email from her arrive in my inbox. I fully expected it to say that she wasn’t prepared to do them and to leave her alone so I was expecting another disappointment. But the email contained no text when I opened it up which confused me initially. I looked towards the bottom of the email window and saw a preview image of a photo she had attached and it was a close up photo of her pubic hair that I had asked for. I was almost uncontrollable with excitement and arousal. Two more emails arrived immediately after showing me two other photos I had asked to see of her body. Having fantasised for years of having sex with her at last I knew what she looked like naked.
11. I immediately went to the office bathroom and masturbated.
12. I felt powerful and a massive sense of achievement but also felt guilt and shame for having exploited her in that way.
13. I sent the money but felt bad about what I had done.


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