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PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 8:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 43
Made only three days and slipped again.

I had attended a milestone birthday celebration for a friend. Drank and smoked weed.

I justified or by telling myself in a couple of ways.

Good news is I feel new normal is not viewing p. Back onto it. Have a week away soon should help establish some habits.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:51 am 
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Posts: 43
Since last slip had one more.

Am away camping for a week so good chance to regroup.

My lack of progress is related to stopping posting here and doing workshop.

I read number 12 and took some time to think about it.

I'm all of those types in some ways. I just wanted to log something about the workshop and get some traction.

I know I make excuses. My latest one is tough.

I wonder if my lack of commitment to recovery is related to my lack of commitment to my wife.

After telling her, which was awesome, she said that she always thought it was OK as she is not a sexual person. She also said she did not realise it was a problem for me.

Anyway, hearing her say that made me think I was right to watch p. Like I was justified for all the rejection.

I'm so confused, I love her and our family. But perhaps I'm not in love with her.

I just feel like a failure. I've made so much progress in my life. But there is this doubt.

Either way. Stopping porn is going to be crucial to finding the answer.

So I'm still committed to it. I'm going days without it. Which Is a big change. When I do view it, I feel crap. I felt a seething feeling towards her after fapping. And that feeling is only ever there's when I watch it. There is hope, and I'm going to fucking do this.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:16 am 
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Posts: 43
Another 6 days and slipped.

I have recorded the reasons why elsewhere.

Going to double down on the work here.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:36 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 43
New

I am stuck in a loop. I slipped again.

I am getting tired of having to write about these. But I swear this is the truth and how it has gone down this time. I am writing it here and being truthful as I want to discover patterns and help focus on my recovery.

An extended acquaintance was threatening self-harm publicly. I reached out and got in touch with the mental health uni on thie rbehalf. They spoke with me and were ok with it.
A friend of theirs, who is much closer but a little over helping as it;s been going on for so long - wanted to buy me a beer (trigger - beer).

I had planned to NOT drink, and had a good plan for a nice family night. One beer turned to 3. There was a really attractive girl there. I should not have been there, I had no business there.

I got home and saw the attacks in NZ. My brain was feeling a little confused and I recall thinking if ppl are monsters and killing ppl, how is fapping once so bad.

Anyway, that's my story. I am feeling more settled in my relationship and am having lots of nice close moments with my wife.

Last time I did well, I added some self-hypnosis.

My action items and an update

Eradicate PW to router (done).
Continue RN work - started this yesterday again, going back today.
Block P on phone (I will work on this it is crucial)
Start to journal each day - but cast things in the positive
Continue meditation practice - just completed a session
Bring back running
Research tactics to stop slips
Really think about stopping drinking for a while and think of some tactics to try and limit consumption- this is key.
Start self-hypnosis

--------------

I read exercise 13.

Early

Here are some patterns I recognize.

In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.

In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.

In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".

Mid

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.

They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").

They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.

Second part

I feel as though I need to go back and look at my values. The purpose, and benefits are slowly unfolding to me. If I can live a life I am proud of without being deceptive or hurtful, I can really take ownership of the opportunities available to me. I am going to review my value snow.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:46 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 43
An update.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed - I may need to cut this list back a bit. There is so much I want to do and I am seeing change.

Committed to self-mastery

- I will continue to study stoicism and journal each day
- I will take pleasure in delaying gratification


The good
I am making good progress. I journal each day, I study deeply and I have started meditation.

What can be better
I can certainly improve the delay gratification part.

I have a morning ritual - I am not doing this yet.

- Meditation
- Exercise
- Journalling
- Gratitude diary
- I wake at 6:30am

Reading everyday

- spend at least 15 minutes reading each day
- Have one fiction and one non-fiction book
- have podcasts - books ready to go when commuting / travelling
- Always have another book I want to read
- Be ok / come to terms with reading work related books while not at work
- Do the Learning to learn course

The good
I am really enjoying reading.

What can be better
I was making good progress, and I started the learning course to learn course but stopped. I need to pick this up

Building my business to provide financial security

- Spend at-least 25 minutes a day on the business.
- Read the Stacking the bricks material I purchased
- Complete the lean canvas for a friend's business idea

The good
I have another customer

What can be better
Really got to get some more work done on this

Exercise at least three times a week and eat mostly clean food

- Set a race goal for my running
- Try to run with friends
- Do some of the Yoga videos my friend sent me
- Do 20 push-ups a day
- Set up the Yoga swing
- I will read the 4 hour body
- I will consume only small quantities of meat
- I will pay more attention to what I eat
- I will keep learning martial arts and practice daily
- I will keep eating clean food for lunch, and resist getting take out

The good
Not running too much, but getting lots of incidental exercise and doing some martial arts almost each day.

Eating has been pretty good.

What can be betterI need to start running on the regular.

Eating can improve

Have a strong bond with my wife

- I will listen non-judgementally
- I will be honest
- I will heal my P addiction
- I will continue my own self-work
- I will help out around the house more
- I will think of creative ways to be romantic
- I will consider my friendships with other females truthfully and make sure I am not substituting anything


The good
I told her! She was fine with it

What can be better
Telling her gave me a reason to act out. She said she was not very sexual and that's why she does not mind.


Never use pornography

- I will complete the exercises here
- I will prioritise my recovery
- I will educate myself on the danger of porn addiction
- I will work to address core issues that lead me to acting out
- I will pay for professional help
- I will establish a healthy morning ritual
- I will put a blocker on my phone
- I will begin to meditate just 5 mins per day
- I will continue no porn hypnosis

The good
I continue to meditate on and off. Found a good app.

What can be better
I am a slip cycle.

Still need to block on phone!

I did not prioritize recovery.

Has authentic relationships with family and friends, building new friendships and strengthening current ones

- I will make sure I am contacting those friends I care about the most frequently, even just a text
- I will check in with my friends, and be thoughtful
- I will allow my family the freedom to feel safe and give me feedback

The good
I got some nice feedback from friends that I am a good friend while I was away with them.

What can be better


Am the best Father I can be

- I will take being a Father more seriously and read blogs and books to educate myself
- I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening
- I will continue teaching my son how to program
- I will continue to read to my son each day
- I will speak to my wife on how she thinks I can be a better Dad
- I will not allow myself to become upset at my son if he does the wrong thing

The good
I am feeling more and more connected

What can be better
I am feeling connected and present, but I can always do better.

I can manage my money and have excellent financial literacy

- I will implement some of the changes recommended in the book I have just finished
- I will continue to speak to my wife about our money
- I will build a buffer and go two weeks of not spending my personal disposable income
- I will continue to educate myself
- I will pay off my CC

The good
Fixed super and insurance

What can be better
Can do much better, coming out of a rough patch

Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances

- I will not consume mind-altering substances
- I will reduce my alcohol intake
- I will read - change your thinking

The good
Have not taking anything since nye

What can be better
Drinking is the real issue for my slips. Every slip has been when I drink.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 6:12 pm 
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Posts: 43
Exercise 14

I am a little confused by this one, but I'm also feeling ok about it.

I have reposted my prioritised value list and action plan a few times, and I have updated / tweaked it.

I think this exercise is about taking certain actions from those values and making a list to see if I am undertaking them, which is what I have been doing (kind of). Either way, I think this is a positive step.

I also feel like some of my values are too selfish - too much focused on my own personal development. Either way I am not going to worry too much and just focus on doing "something". As a note, i would like to add some more into values around personal integrity and not fantasying I was with another woman, which I do sometimes. I flip between being deeply in love and distant with my wife.

While I would like to do this in the morning - I think this is framed as a just before bed thing. I could change it to " did I do this yesterday". I have an exercise I have learned from my stoic study which is to scan the day.

Did I take pleasure in delaying gratification?
Did I meditate today?
Did I read today?
Did I spend 25 mins on my business?
Did I undertake a morning ritual?
Did I act out?
Did I consume alcohol?
Did I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening?
Did I initiate a meaningful conversation with my wife?
Did I exercise?


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 8:49 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 43
I'm not sure if I should be going on with the exercises or spending a few weeks with the health monitoring.

I'm going to try continue on and make the updates.

I achieved all the goals yesterday.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:22 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 43
Going good - recording my 5 mins each day. Only day 3!

Not 100% I am doing it right but I am having a go. I am very busy right now and filling my life / days up with stuff worth living.

Having a lot of realisations too. Example - video games addiction is, I think you will agree, a thing. When I have previously been addicted I needed to find things to fill my time.

Only compliant right now is I have a lot on my plate, very busy!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:06 pm 
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Posts: 43
I slipped again - I was doing really good too.

It;s drinking. The process looked a little like this.

I did not want to drink - I was at work and I said to myself I do not want.

I got a msg form a friend who said they had a bad couple of days and wanted a drink.

I met with them and had several drinks, went back to there house and had more.

It was a good night.

The next morning I M'd in the shower. That afternoon I viewed P twice more.

I am now back on track but I a little more aware of how drinking reduces my chances of curing addiction.

I still need to block P on my phone - that's some action I can take. On a positive note, I feel like my normal is now not acting out. Like I have transitioned.

I can also see how the whole "make your life meaningful so you don't watch P" concept is supposed to work.


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