Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Wed May 22, 2019 8:34 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 49 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 8:25 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Made only three days and slipped again.

I had attended a milestone birthday celebration for a friend. Drank and smoked weed.

I justified or by telling myself in a couple of ways.

Good news is I feel new normal is not viewing p. Back onto it. Have a week away soon should help establish some habits.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:51 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Since last slip had one more.

Am away camping for a week so good chance to regroup.

My lack of progress is related to stopping posting here and doing workshop.

I read number 12 and took some time to think about it.

I'm all of those types in some ways. I just wanted to log something about the workshop and get some traction.

I know I make excuses. My latest one is tough.

I wonder if my lack of commitment to recovery is related to my lack of commitment to my wife.

After telling her, which was awesome, she said that she always thought it was OK as she is not a sexual person. She also said she did not realise it was a problem for me.

Anyway, hearing her say that made me think I was right to watch p. Like I was justified for all the rejection.

I'm so confused, I love her and our family. But perhaps I'm not in love with her.

I just feel like a failure. I've made so much progress in my life. But there is this doubt.

Either way. Stopping porn is going to be crucial to finding the answer.

So I'm still committed to it. I'm going days without it. Which Is a big change. When I do view it, I feel crap. I felt a seething feeling towards her after fapping. And that feeling is only ever there's when I watch it. There is hope, and I'm going to fucking do this.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:16 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Another 6 days and slipped.

I have recorded the reasons why elsewhere.

Going to double down on the work here.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:36 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
New

I am stuck in a loop. I slipped again.

I am getting tired of having to write about these. But I swear this is the truth and how it has gone down this time. I am writing it here and being truthful as I want to discover patterns and help focus on my recovery.

An extended acquaintance was threatening self-harm publicly. I reached out and got in touch with the mental health uni on thie rbehalf. They spoke with me and were ok with it.
A friend of theirs, who is much closer but a little over helping as it;s been going on for so long - wanted to buy me a beer (trigger - beer).

I had planned to NOT drink, and had a good plan for a nice family night. One beer turned to 3. There was a really attractive girl there. I should not have been there, I had no business there.

I got home and saw the attacks in NZ. My brain was feeling a little confused and I recall thinking if ppl are monsters and killing ppl, how is fapping once so bad.

Anyway, that's my story. I am feeling more settled in my relationship and am having lots of nice close moments with my wife.

Last time I did well, I added some self-hypnosis.

My action items and an update

Eradicate PW to router (done).
Continue RN work - started this yesterday again, going back today.
Block P on phone (I will work on this it is crucial)
Start to journal each day - but cast things in the positive
Continue meditation practice - just completed a session
Bring back running
Research tactics to stop slips
Really think about stopping drinking for a while and think of some tactics to try and limit consumption- this is key.
Start self-hypnosis

--------------

I read exercise 13.

Early

Here are some patterns I recognize.

In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.

In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.

In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".

Mid

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.

They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").

They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.

Second part

I feel as though I need to go back and look at my values. The purpose, and benefits are slowly unfolding to me. If I can live a life I am proud of without being deceptive or hurtful, I can really take ownership of the opportunities available to me. I am going to review my value snow.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:46 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
An update.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed - I may need to cut this list back a bit. There is so much I want to do and I am seeing change.

Committed to self-mastery

- I will continue to study stoicism and journal each day
- I will take pleasure in delaying gratification


The good
I am making good progress. I journal each day, I study deeply and I have started meditation.

What can be better
I can certainly improve the delay gratification part.

I have a morning ritual - I am not doing this yet.

- Meditation
- Exercise
- Journalling
- Gratitude diary
- I wake at 6:30am

Reading everyday

- spend at least 15 minutes reading each day
- Have one fiction and one non-fiction book
- have podcasts - books ready to go when commuting / travelling
- Always have another book I want to read
- Be ok / come to terms with reading work related books while not at work
- Do the Learning to learn course

The good
I am really enjoying reading.

What can be better
I was making good progress, and I started the learning course to learn course but stopped. I need to pick this up

Building my business to provide financial security

- Spend at-least 25 minutes a day on the business.
- Read the Stacking the bricks material I purchased
- Complete the lean canvas for a friend's business idea

The good
I have another customer

What can be better
Really got to get some more work done on this

Exercise at least three times a week and eat mostly clean food

- Set a race goal for my running
- Try to run with friends
- Do some of the Yoga videos my friend sent me
- Do 20 push-ups a day
- Set up the Yoga swing
- I will read the 4 hour body
- I will consume only small quantities of meat
- I will pay more attention to what I eat
- I will keep learning martial arts and practice daily
- I will keep eating clean food for lunch, and resist getting take out

The good
Not running too much, but getting lots of incidental exercise and doing some martial arts almost each day.

Eating has been pretty good.

What can be betterI need to start running on the regular.

Eating can improve

Have a strong bond with my wife

- I will listen non-judgementally
- I will be honest
- I will heal my P addiction
- I will continue my own self-work
- I will help out around the house more
- I will think of creative ways to be romantic
- I will consider my friendships with other females truthfully and make sure I am not substituting anything


The good
I told her! She was fine with it

What can be better
Telling her gave me a reason to act out. She said she was not very sexual and that's why she does not mind.


Never use pornography

- I will complete the exercises here
- I will prioritise my recovery
- I will educate myself on the danger of porn addiction
- I will work to address core issues that lead me to acting out
- I will pay for professional help
- I will establish a healthy morning ritual
- I will put a blocker on my phone
- I will begin to meditate just 5 mins per day
- I will continue no porn hypnosis

The good
I continue to meditate on and off. Found a good app.

What can be better
I am a slip cycle.

Still need to block on phone!

I did not prioritize recovery.

Has authentic relationships with family and friends, building new friendships and strengthening current ones

- I will make sure I am contacting those friends I care about the most frequently, even just a text
- I will check in with my friends, and be thoughtful
- I will allow my family the freedom to feel safe and give me feedback

The good
I got some nice feedback from friends that I am a good friend while I was away with them.

What can be better


Am the best Father I can be

- I will take being a Father more seriously and read blogs and books to educate myself
- I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening
- I will continue teaching my son how to program
- I will continue to read to my son each day
- I will speak to my wife on how she thinks I can be a better Dad
- I will not allow myself to become upset at my son if he does the wrong thing

The good
I am feeling more and more connected

What can be better
I am feeling connected and present, but I can always do better.

I can manage my money and have excellent financial literacy

- I will implement some of the changes recommended in the book I have just finished
- I will continue to speak to my wife about our money
- I will build a buffer and go two weeks of not spending my personal disposable income
- I will continue to educate myself
- I will pay off my CC

The good
Fixed super and insurance

What can be better
Can do much better, coming out of a rough patch

Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances

- I will not consume mind-altering substances
- I will reduce my alcohol intake
- I will read - change your thinking

The good
Have not taking anything since nye

What can be better
Drinking is the real issue for my slips. Every slip has been when I drink.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 6:12 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Exercise 14

I am a little confused by this one, but I'm also feeling ok about it.

I have reposted my prioritised value list and action plan a few times, and I have updated / tweaked it.

I think this exercise is about taking certain actions from those values and making a list to see if I am undertaking them, which is what I have been doing (kind of). Either way, I think this is a positive step.

I also feel like some of my values are too selfish - too much focused on my own personal development. Either way I am not going to worry too much and just focus on doing "something". As a note, i would like to add some more into values around personal integrity and not fantasying I was with another woman, which I do sometimes. I flip between being deeply in love and distant with my wife.

While I would like to do this in the morning - I think this is framed as a just before bed thing. I could change it to " did I do this yesterday". I have an exercise I have learned from my stoic study which is to scan the day.

Did I take pleasure in delaying gratification?
Did I meditate today?
Did I read today?
Did I spend 25 mins on my business?
Did I undertake a morning ritual?
Did I act out?
Did I consume alcohol?
Did I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening?
Did I initiate a meaningful conversation with my wife?
Did I exercise?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 8:49 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
I'm not sure if I should be going on with the exercises or spending a few weeks with the health monitoring.

I'm going to try continue on and make the updates.

I achieved all the goals yesterday.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:22 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Going good - recording my 5 mins each day. Only day 3!

Not 100% I am doing it right but I am having a go. I am very busy right now and filling my life / days up with stuff worth living.

Having a lot of realisations too. Example - video games addiction is, I think you will agree, a thing. When I have previously been addicted I needed to find things to fill my time.

Only compliant right now is I have a lot on my plate, very busy!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
I slipped again - I was doing really good too.

It;s drinking. The process looked a little like this.

I did not want to drink - I was at work and I said to myself I do not want.

I got a msg form a friend who said they had a bad couple of days and wanted a drink.

I met with them and had several drinks, went back to there house and had more.

It was a good night.

The next morning I M'd in the shower. That afternoon I viewed P twice more.

I am now back on track but I a little more aware of how drinking reduces my chances of curing addiction.

I still need to block P on my phone - that's some action I can take. On a positive note, I feel like my normal is now not acting out. Like I have transitioned.

I can also see how the whole "make your life meaningful so you don't watch P" concept is supposed to work.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
I had another slip but I am ok now.

I have been doing the 5 mins per day most days. I post it over at No Fap

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?t ... st-1981532

I'm finding it helps - I prob need to re-read the exercise to better understand it.

I completed reading lesson 15.

The one thing that I am more aware of is that my value system underpins who I am and the decisions I make. I can use it as a guide, a way to navigate life and tough choices.

I am looking forward to learning some more, but I must prioritise my recovery - that includes reading the material here.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:28 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3765
Location: UK
Sorry for being blunt but
Quote:
I slipped again - I was doing really good too.

doing good?bullshit

Quote:
I had another slip but I am ok now


who are you trying to kid?
only yourself

you are making choices, you may well regret these choices, only you can know whether you do or not, but even if you actually do regret you simply carry on making those same choices then justify them with excuses , drinking with friends being an example
you are not slipping you are simply choosing to carry on with your drug of choice
why???????????????????
I do not need an answer from you
but you do need to ask and answer yourself

then get on with it, either choose to continue or choose to recover, there is no other alternative
choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 1:07 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Kenzo wrote:
Sorry for being blunt but
Quote:
I slipped again - I was doing really good too.

doing good?bullshit

Quote:
I had another slip but I am ok now


who are you trying to kid?
only yourself

you are making choices, you may well regret these choices, only you can know whether you do or not, but even if you actually do regret you simply carry on making those same choices then justify them with excuses , drinking with friends being an example
you are not slipping you are simply choosing to carry on with your drug of choice
why???????????????????
I do not need an answer from you
but you do need to ask and answer yourself

then get on with it, either choose to continue or choose to recover, there is no other alternative
choose wisely


Thank you, I agree with you it's a choice. When I say I was doing good - I now manage to put decent streaks together. My new normal is not acting out. I have made a transition and I am proud of that. I will continue to work through the lessons to a permanent transition. A year ago, or two years ago, I could not do this.

I am now 7 or 8 days back in and I am motivated to continue learning. I am doing my 5 min review each day and it's helping me understand my patterns.

Workshop 16.

P has played a positive role in my life through allowing me to quickly substitute the work required to process and deal with life through short term gratification. In particular, around working very long hours at home on my business.

It allowed me to stay motivated by giving myself a "rest".

However, I have changed the way I manage this work and how it integrates into my life. I am now ready to take the next steps. Of significant interest to me, is the co-addiction of alcohol. In particular, on the rare occasion when I smoke weed, I seem incapable of controlling my urges. I believe that with some tools, around urge management, I can overcome this.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 6:00 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3765
Location: UK
Hi TP

Quote:
I can overcome this.

YES you CAN

Actually the choice is easy, and having made it keeping to it becomes easier as you go

which you do you want to be? its a real no-brainer

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 5:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Kenzo wrote:
Hi TP

Quote:
I can overcome this.

YES you CAN

Actually the choice is easy, and having made it keeping to it becomes easier as you go

which you do you want to be? its a real no-brainer


I slipped. This one caught me by surprise.
My wife and I have been making love much more often. Which is obviously fantastic.

Yesterday morning - I woke up after sex the nigh before and I had a very big erection. I let myself fantaise and ultimately M'd in the shower thinking about the night before with my wife.

I was thinking about letting that just be an ok thing. I was not sure if I would post it. I think I was gonna post it and see if ppl thought it was a slip. It did not seem the worse thing in the world. I did feel shit after.

Anyway - I had a really bad day at work. Some pretty unfair stuff went down where I was 100% in the clear and everyone could see that. I was ok at first.

Had a beer with a mate after work (of course, that's where I went wrong).

Still I was ok. But when I thought back to the fact I already slipped in the morning, I looked at some P. I went into to this strange auto pilot mode where I was unable to break the ritual (getting the TP). I think healing lies somewhere in that space.

I then did it one more time in the morning. There is more to it too - few other fantasy things I need to deal with.

Lessons

After making love to my wife, be very careful of chaser.
Do not edge in bed, ever
Get a P blocker on my phone.

The last one is something I keen saying that I will do, but I am yet to do it. So before I repost here, I will do that.

Ultimately, I am responsible for all of this. I was honestly feeling so great. I need to build better resilience. It is not enough to just be able to do it when everything is well. Also, I doubt I will heal until I choose to stop drinking for a while.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2019 7:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 52
Kenzo is right - I am out of control

I am glad to read Lesson 17 - while some of it is pretty heavy - the poly addictions aspect resonates with me. I am looking forward to the urge control tools.

I wrote in my journal today that I am not dealing with some underlying issues. I am not even really sure what they are. Part of me believes that mediation is helping to bring things to the surface.

Give you an example, a friend of mine told me that she is a sex worker. While I do not have an issue with escorts, it's always been a fantasy of mine. When I act out, it is normally a patter like so (note - edging for me is not to porn):

- Something happens in my life to cause stress
- Have been edging in mornings, but I am in on a good streak of 10 + days
- I smoke some weed and drink. Or just drink. Suppressing the emotions as I have taught myself to do from being a 15 years old
- I edge again, but this time, it is too much. I fire up an escort site and go through the pictures
- Now I have slipped, I regress into compulsive behaviour for a day, feeling shit. I try clean myself up. I get back onto the wagon. After about a week, I start to feel a lot better.

Anyway, I went to my friends drinks secretly hoping that she would invite some of her escort friends. I am not really being a good friend at all, and my values are all messed up. I ended up getting really drunk and stoned.

A lot of my issues and self worth are tied to others, my social network. I have a wide one, but if I don;t see someone for a while, I dwell on it. I have some close friends and I am not speaking to them much. This plays on me. Somewhere in these thoughts lies a root cause.

My big boss work is an authoritarian male - alpha type with a big ego. I tend to do really good work and get a lot of attention form his bosses higher up - and I think he is threaten by it. When he is critical unjustly (which is often, I will not go into it but it;s a situation where everyone thinks he;s out of touch with reality), I sometimes act a bit reactionary and I will not be bullied. Anyway - I think this all goes back to father - who was abusive to my mother, violent. I saw this. She is no longer with us. I have tried to re-establish a relationship with him, to forgive. He has never meet my Son, who is 7.

So I am, out of control.

there is more. I enjoy music events. but I also have fantasy related to attending, getting high, and seeing an escort. I have an event coming up, and I am worried that I will use it as an excuse to act out (because hey, I did not see an escort).

I was able to override an urge yesterday, as I work to re establish my streak.

I believe it is a simple process - make the choice. Choose a different path because I value my life in a certain way. Because I believe that I will live better if I make a reasoned choice.

I am trying, I may not be trying hard enough. This all comes down to me. I just want to unpack some things behind it.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 49 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group