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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 2:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Lesson 1 again:

A)
1) I commit to no porn and no fantasizing. They are at the crux of my problem and produce anxiety and compulsive behavior. There are other issues too (trigger, comfort mechanism during stress, my negative body image, and emotional pain from my partner - but I will review them later).

2) yes, no guilt and no shame - I accept myself.

3) again, yes, I will be patient.

B) The complete list is in my previous thread. For now I would like to focus on:

- it is crucial to my happiness - personally (not looking on my shoulder, being in control of myself),
- I want to be professionally productive and concentrate on my work, producing regular outputs,
- feel proud of myself as a familyman.

C) I have this child in front of me - God, I pray to you to make me strong and proud and help keep that smile on and those eyes lightened up with joy.


Last edited by values4joy on Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:38 pm 
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Lesson 2: Vision

To be healthy - physically, mentally, and spiritually. In my work, to have a positive impact on the society from which I derive satisfaction and recognition. Build relationships of love, trust and respect with my parents, spouse, children, family, and friends (but sometimes allowing them to take the first step too). Be financially secure and live in a beautiful place that gives me joy. Become part of a community where I belong and where I provide service as a way to nurture myself and the community.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:40 pm 
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Lesson 3 Defining Values

A.
To be healthy - physically, mentally, and spiritually. In my work, to have a positive impact on the society from which I derive satisfaction and recognition. Build relationships of love, trust and respect with my parents, spouse, children, family, and friends (but sometimes allowing them to take the first step too). Be financially secure and live in a beautiful place that gives me joy. Become part of a community where I belong and where I provide service as a way to nurture myself and the community.



B. Values list

1. Physically healthy - exercise regularly
2. Mentally healthy - participate in relaxing activities (both on an ongoing basis and in the form of vacations)
3. Spiritually healthy - read, interact, participate everyday in meditation and healing breathing
4. Financially healthy - savings, investments
5. Loving, trustful and respectful relationship with
- spouse
- kid
- family (parents, siblings)
- friends
6. Quality work with positive impact on society
7. Establish a beautiful house in a nice neighbourhood
8. Stable and peaceful life
9. Become part of a community that feels home
10. Nurture this community
11. Celebrate the opportunity to help others
12. Relax - be in the moment
13. Focus on work without being wasted by distractions
14. Schedule and discipline

C. Dark side
1. Urge to satisfy 'now'
2. Too much pressure to succeed
3. In ability to relax completely
4. Negative body image
5. Suscept to triggers
6. Taking up too much emotional stress
7. Fantasizing, dreaming too much
8. Want instant gratification
9. Too much planning, little action
10. Too much thinking, little action


Last edited by values4joy on Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:39 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi values

doing the lessons second time through helped me considerably
I do hope that you get the same benefits

I did not check if you completed them or how far you got if not, that is not the issue
the issue is you are here and hopefully for the right reasons
if so then you are in a good place

Quote:
Lesson 2: Vision

To be healthy - physically, mentally, and spiritually. In my work, to have a positive impact on the society from which I derive satisfaction and recognition. Build relationships of love, trust and respect with my parents, spouse, children, family, and friends (but sometimes allowing them to take the first step too). Be financially secure and live in a beautiful place that gives me joy. Become part of a community where I belong and where I provide service as a way to nurture myself and the community.


I strongly suggest this needs a lot more work
your vision can and should be so much broader than this written here
I believe that you would benefit by reading the link below
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=18746
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 11:09 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:15 pm
Posts: 291
Hi values4joy. Reading through your second vision and values the one thing that struck me was a lot of energy on external things such as a beautiful home, community, etc. I value these things as well as others do but I just wonder if you should narrow some of your focus and energy to yourself and your relationships for a while. Sometimes we concern ourselves with others opinions of our material wealth or we adopt what others think our values should be (parents, wife, co-workers, etc). That does not mean that those things do not have value but we need to be careful to ensure that they truly are OUR values and not projections of other peoples values.

If maybe that these truly are your values or you just never really feel at comfort or at home unless your surroundings are configured in a certain way. Maybe reducing your expectations and, say, configure your bedroom, or living room, or den to be very nice and comfortable to allow you to have that relaying environment to retreat to.

Myself, I have found that once I improved my opinion of myself, I increased my intimate relationships with my wife and friends, and gained in my spiritual life that I did not care as much about my house, car, clothing, etc.

The above maybe totally incorrect for your life. If so, great. This is your recovery so pick and choose what works for you and God's speed.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
I relapsed - twice. First last night and second this morning. Damn this is tough. But on the positive side I held on for more than a week - first time in many years and it felt great. And I am back.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:48 pm 
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Posts: 67
Thanks Kenzo and Honeycat, I appreciate your feedback. Many of my values may look externally inspired (e.g. house in a nice neighbourhood), but they are actually mine. I have discovered them after years of denial/longing. But I do get your bigger message. So thanks so much for sharing your comments.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 2:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Lesson 4

Vision
To be healthy - physically, mentally, and spiritually. In my work, to have a positive impact on the society from which I derive satisfaction and recognition. Build relationships of love, trust and respect with my parents, spouse, children, family, and friends (but sometimes allowing them to take the first step too). Be financially secure and live in a beautiful place that gives me joy. Become part of a community where I belong and where I provide service as a way to nurture myself and the community.

Commitment
I commit to no porn (alone) and no fantasizing. They are at the crux of my problem and produce anxiety and compulsive behavior.

Why?
- it is crucial to my happiness - personally (not looking on my shoulder, being in control of myself),
- I want to be professionally productive and concentrate on my work, producing regular outputs,
- feel proud of myself as a familyman.

Values
1. In control of myself, free from addiction – spirituality
2. Physically healthy - exercise regularly
3. Spiritually healthy - read, meditation and healing breathing
4. Focused on accomplishments/outputs – not wasted by distractions
5. Warm and intimate relationships with family and friends
6. Joy – losing in activities that relax (enlightenment, cooking, music, nature)
7. Belief in myself
8. Trust in God
9. Financially healthy - savings, investments
10. Perseverance – keep walking
11. Relaxed – in the moment
12. Celebrating the opportunity to help others
13. Doing, rather than thinking or planning alone
14. Quality work with positive impact on society
15. Connectivity with the world and the community


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:52 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Lesson 5

A. Here's what I wrote in lesson 4. I read it again and "this is me".

Vision
To be healthy - physically, mentally, and spiritually. In my work, to have a positive impact on the society from which I derive satisfaction and recognition. Build relationships of love, trust and respect with my parents, spouse, children, family, and friends (but sometimes allowing them to take the first step too). Be financially secure and live in a beautiful place that gives me joy. Become part of a community where I belong and where I provide service as a way to nurture myself and the community.

Commitment
I commit to no porn (alone) and no fantasizing. They are at the crux of my problem and produce anxiety and compulsive behavior.

Why?
- it is crucial to my happiness - personally (not looking on my shoulder, being in control of myself),
- I want to be professionally productive and concentrate on my work, producing regular outputs,
- feel proud of myself as a familyman.

Values
1. In control of myself, free from addiction – spirituality
2. Physically healthy - exercise regularly
3. Spiritually healthy - read, meditation and healing breathing
4. Focused on accomplishments/outputs – not wasted by distractions
5. Warm and intimate relationships with family and friends
6. Joy – losing myself in activities that relax (enlightenment, cooking, music, nature, travel)
7. Belief in myself
8. Trust in God
9. Financially healthy - savings, investments
10. Perseverance – keep walking
11. Relaxed – in the moment
12. Celebrating the opportunity to help others
13. Doing, rather than thinking or planning alone
14. Quality work with positive impact on society
15. Connectivity with the world and the community

B. My important decisions:
- marriage
- changing jobs
- going for studies

Yes, my values reflect the choices I will make. In fact, I will be more confident in making my choices and expressing them to others.

C. When I re-read my list, I find they are my values. This is me.

D. My top 15 values:

1. In control of myself, free from addiction – spirituality
2. Physically healthy - exercise regularly
3. Spiritually healthy - read, meditation and healing breathing
4. Focused on accomplishments/outputs – not wasted by distractions
5. Warm and intimate relationships with family and friends
6. Joy – losing myself in activities that relax (enlightenment, cooking, music, nature)
7. Belief in myself
8. Trust in God
9. Financially healthy - savings, investments
10. Perseverance – keep walking
11. Relaxed – in the moment
12. Celebrating the opportunity to help others
13. Doing, rather than thinking or planning alone
14. Quality work with positive impact on society
15. Connectivity with the world and the community


Last edited by values4joy on Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Lesson 6

Proactive plan1: Next few steps

1. In control of myself indicated by being free from addiction

- I will not watch porn nor fantasize, which are at the crux of my problem
- one lesson of recovery workshop each day
- allowing time for change: but keep walking
- not feeling guilt when relapse happens, but returning to sanity asap
- aware of urges and triggers
- regular sipiritual exercises:
meditation, breathing. Not doing as a chore or as a schedule, but for joy.

- thankful to God
- contented and secure
- happy experiencing this control

2. Physically healthy

- exercise regularly: this is tough right now. I will come back.


3. Spiritually healthy

- linked with the above plan for being in control
- simple, regular meditation
- healing breathing whenever possible
- grateful to God
- contented
- reading (no time right now)

The above are the first few steps - I want to experience my values by keeping them simple and bringing them in my habit.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:35 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
I relapsed briefly last night, and there was a chance this morning too. But I didn't let the fall happen. I have to be cognizant of the initial euphoria (that I experienced last week) followed by slight emptiness (this week). Recovery is my main goal right now, above everything else. And every relapse comes with a fall in my energy level. Need to make some changes in my proactive plan.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Lesson 6 again (with slight modifications)

Proactive plan1: Next few steps

1. In control of myself indicated by being free from addiction

- I will not watch porn nor fantasize, which are at the crux of my problem
- one lesson of recovery workshop each day
- allowing time for change: but keep walking
- not feeling guilt when relapse happens, but returning to sanity asap. Remember relapse saps my energy.
- aware of urges and triggers
- regular sipiritual exercises:
meditation, breathing. Not doing as a chore or as a schedule, but for joy.

- be quiet, it saves energy
- thankful to God
- contented and secure
- happy experiencing this control

2. Physically healthy

- exercise regularly: this is tough right now. I will come back.
- Okay, but do at least a few minutes each day (preferably in the morning) which will keep energy levels high. Increase the activity level when you feel like.

3. Spiritually healthy

- linked with the above plan for being in control
- simple, regular meditation
- healing breathing whenever possible
- grateful to God
- contented
- reading (no time right now)

4. Work: for now at least produce some regular outputs and avoid distractions.

The above are the first few steps - I want to experience my values by keeping them simple and bringing them in my habit.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:27 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
This is not to feel euphoric but to keep a record of my progress (please note there may be trigger producing words below).

Since I restarted recovery workshop, in the last 11 days, I have enacted out (masturbation) 4 times - twice with porn and twice without it. Twice I have caught myself wavering towards porn sites online, but I stopped myself, or didn't feel like continuing. So overall its 4 times in 11 days. That as far as I can remember, is my best record in many years, since my usual average would be between 7 and 15 in about 10 days. But I remind myself (again) - dont be euphoric, its a long journey and I am just enjoying this walk, no expectations of what it will lead to.

Impacts that I feel (may be because of recovery, may be not)

Positive:
- I experience a better connection with my wife. We have twice had good physical contact. I am not feeling guilty when I talk to her or if I am already asleep by the time she comes to bed.

- I dont feel guilty in expressing myself, including my anger.

Negative:
- I dont feel like working. I am unable to concentrate on work for long. There is a slight empty feeling.
- I caught myself questioning whether I really had any compulsive behavior that I am trying to control.

And I had to remind myself - yes, emphatically yes. I felt compelled to watch porn and fantasize, leading to masturbation. Impact - poor relationship with my wife, always feeling guilty, and loss of happiness.

I want to be happy and lead a fulfilling life and for that I need to be free of my addiction, completely free. I feel thankful and blessed that I have begun this journey to gain my freedom.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:33 pm 
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Posts: 67
Remember to do lessons 8 and 9 from couples' workshop.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:30 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 67
Its tough, controlling urges and triggers is tough. I was at the food court today and everywhere I looked, it seemed like a swarm of hot women. I even checked out a few. Usually I would have run to a bathroom by now and relieved this stress through masturbation. I didn't today. The only thing that helped me was the line that I keep repeating in all my posts - I am committed to no porn and no fantasy.


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