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 Post subject: Lesson 6
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2015 1:27 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values
List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three
of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening
your relationship with your wife" is complex.
"Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog"
(probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these
plans into your recovery thread.





Proactive Action Plan: Maintaining Physical Health
- Go to bed by 9:30pm everynight.
- Plan in advance for work deadlines in order to avoid having
to stay up late.
- Make time for short runs or bike rides every day.
- Avoid eating sugar-rich or junk foods, eat fruit instead of starches.
- Do exercises from youtube everyday to help with my backpain.



Proactive Action Plan: Keeping in touch with my feelings
- Write in my Journal every day, and read every day.
- Devote some quiet time to myself every day, to mediate
and get in touch with my feelings, and keep track of
potential triggers and danger points.
- Be honest with myself in my journal.
- Listen to music for a while every day.
- When feeling triggered, make sure to identify the emotion that was the source.


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 Post subject: Lesson 10
PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2015 11:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated
in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are
deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean.


I told my wife about my sexual addiction two years ago,
and we have been gradually working through recovery together.
However I have not told her yet about my recent masturbation slips,
although I am afraid to I know that I must in order to lay
a foundation for moving ahead in a healthy way. I am afraid how
she will react.



Quote:
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now
whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them
in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge
that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that
relationship by maintaining the deception; AND,
admit to yourself that you are intentionally
sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing
such a huge crack to remain.


I plan to tell her everything.

Quote:
III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or
outside counseling), choose now whether or not you
intend to continue deceiving those whom you are
working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that
you are not fully commited to ending your addiction.
Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the
motions', rather than actively pursue real change.


I am not involved in coaching or counseling.


Quote:
IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items
stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these
items and their locations in your Recovery Thread.


There are vibrators in the bedroom that I have used while masturbating.
I have now thrown these out.



Quote:
V. Make a list of all the people that you use as
compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this
in your thread


In the past there have been two people that I have had
compulsive romantic thoughts about. Now I
sometimes find myself tempted to indulge in such thoughts
but for the most part I am able to avoid doing so.


Quote:
VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act
out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
Post this list in your thread.


Before my past 2 years of recovery, my offices at work and at home
to watch porn and masturbate. More recently, my bedroom and home
office to masturbate.


I feel very ashamed to reveal all these things.


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 Post subject: Lesson 11
PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Here is how these things have applied to me in my life. It
was very difficult to list all these behaviors, like pulling teeth.


Fantasy
-------
* In the past, fantasies when see attractive women in public.
Extended scanning followed by masturbation later.
During my recovery over the past 2 1/2 years this has been much reduced.
I still feel the urge to scan attractive women I see in public, during
the summer when they are wearing shorts, and it takes effort not to do so.
I mostly succeed but sometimes do not.

* In the past, infatuation/fantasy with one particular woman,
extended fantasies when lying in bed, driving along;
fantasies when masturbating or having sex with wife.
Detailed and intricate fantasies of affair, how to arrange tyrsts etc.
I mistakenly believed that getting together would be a flame
that would solve all my emotional problems.
Finally I stopped fantasizing and obsessing about her.

However over the past several months I have had some fantasies
about another woman, despite efforts not to. When I encounter her
it feels like I am on an emotional roller coaster, out of control.
I try to avoid her, and I try to avoid fantasizing, but sometimes I do.



* Cues for obsession: stress, low self-esteem, boredom,
attractive women trigger thoughts of past rejections, lonliness,
running into fantasy object, acts as trigger.

* Boundaries violated: my identity, integrity and intimacy of my
marriage, my being rooted in reality, my self-respect.




Masturbation
------------

* Behaviors in past: use of vibrators, dildos in anus,
digital stimulation of anus and prostate.
Achieve orgasm, release
Often with fantasy,
often while viewing pornographic videos.
Followed by guilt, shame

I stopped masturbating completely 2 1/2 years ago and have avoided it since.
But in the past month or two I have masturbated several times,
using a vibrator on my anus, bent over my bed or sofa.
I've also made videos of myself doing this and watched them while masturbating,
this boosts the stimulation.

* Cues: stress (work, addiction), shame, opportunity, despair re recovery, low self-esteem, desire for escape, boost.

* Boundaries violated: self-respect, intimacy, autonomy, order, integrity



Pornography
-----------

* Behavior:
Very distant past: images in magazines, movies in adult movie theatres,
streamed videos in adult stores.
rental of adult movies to play at home.
Distant past: images and vidoes over internet.
Time spent seeking most stimulating videos
Present (last 2 1/2 years): none
Masturbation, orgasm

* Cues: stress, emotional imbalance, opportunity, pressure builds up,
shame from addiction.

* Boundaries violated: self-respect, intimacy, autonomy, order,
integrity


Promiscuity
------------
No


Affairs
-------
No


Prostitution
------------
* Behavior:
Distant past:
Cruised for prostitutes (driving down certain streets).
Paid street prostitute for oral sex in car
Paid street prostitute to masturbate me in my home
Hired prostitutes for sex:
Went to brothel on a business trip, paid for sex.
paid prostutute to come to my home for sex (2 occasions)
Paid masseuse to masturbate me in massage parlor
Paid for lap dances at strip shows

* Cues: compulsion, shame at sexual inexperience, shame of addiction,
low self-esteem, stress, escapism, opportunity

* Boundaries violated: safety, security, integrity, self-respect


Rape & Sexual Violence
----------------------
No


Voyeuring, Exhibitionism and Stalking
-------------------------------------

* Behavior:
Distant past: Scanning appartment building with binoculars looking
for sexual activity
Listening to walls in hotels, appartment buildings
Observing neighbor in her kitchen through windows of house.
Going to strip clubs
Looking at "voyeur cams" on the internet

* Cues: lonliness, shame, stress, shame of addiction, boredom,
opportunity

* Boundaries violated: integrity, self-respect, intimacy


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 Post subject: Lessson 12
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
Identify those patterns that you currently recognize
in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post
these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or
Recovery Manager


Of those listed, here are the ones that I think apply to me currently,
the rest do not.


* I have tended to analyze the risk/reward
benefits of what the workshop asks me to do,
instead of taking it on faith that it is beneficial.

* "They actively prepare their environment
for successful acting out by": I have (unconciously) done
this, coming home at a time when I know nobody will be home
and then ending up masturbating.

* "They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as
human beings": Intellectually I realize that I am not damaged and
worthless, but I think at a core emotional level I have not been quite
able to let go of that perception.

* "They suspect that they will never be able
to overcome their urges..": The same for this belief.

* "Relapse triggers are feared, and so their
lives continue to be altered as a result of
addiction." This does apply to me, for example I try
to avoid women whom I have fantasized about in the past,
since I know seeing them will act as a trigger.


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 Post subject: Starting Over
PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2016 7:05 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Several months ago I had a relapse and watched some pornography and masturbated.
I shared my failure with my wife and for the last several months have been trying
to move forward on my journey towards health, with daily journalling and daily helath monitoring.
I did not restart working through recovery nation though, I should have.
Yesterday I failed again and watched pornography and masturbated. I feel powerless and despairing,
as if failure is inevitable and nothing I can do will stop it. I'm exhausted and sad.

So this is me starting over on Recovery Nation, from the beginning, a new start, in the hope
that this time I will succeed in moving all the way to a healthy life. I gained so much
insight and empathy and agency from this website and community before, I hope to again. Wish me luck.


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 11:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent
change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery
keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.


1) I am committed to making a permanent change to health.
Of course I made this committment last time around and I thought it was
sincere. I was only partially sucessful, I was too complacent and stopped
working hard too early, thinking I was healthy for superficial reasons (no acting out).
The proof of sincerity and committment will be how hard and how steadily
I work at my recovery.

2) I have given a name to my addictive tendancies, I call him "Tom".
Sometimes it is as if I can hear him whispering to me "Oh come on,
you've failed anyway already recently, there is no point in trying,
you know you're going to fail again anyway." So the guilt and shame over
recent failures is a real trigger. I can't wish it away, I just
have to try to gradually replace it with pride in steady and real progress.

3) I don't think allowing myself time to change will be a problem.
The last time around, the problem was I gave myself too much time,
I thought getting around to finishing all the Recovery Nation lessons later
would be fine, there was no urgency, I was too slow and complacent.
I need more urgency and realism this time around.


Quote:
B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor
in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep
inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently
change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really
examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your
recovery thread.


- I want to have pride in myself, honor, integrity, dignity.

- I want to take all the time and energy I spend dealing with the
addiction and spend it instead on positive, life-affirming things:
playing with my children, enjoying nature, improving my relationship
with my wife

- I want to be in control of my life, to have agency and free will

- I want to devote my sexuality to enhancing my relationship
with my wife, not as a tool to medicate my emotions.

- I want to be emotionally strong and healthy in order to be able
to raise my kids to be the same way.

- I want to be able to have deep friendships outside my family;
my friendships are still now undermined by by addiction.

- I want to be able to be real and genuine and open, instead of having
a surface life and a secret innner life.

- I want to escape from my father's legacy.

- I want a more relaxed, stress-free life, where I don't have to worry
about the addiction taking over and destroying my life.

- I want to be free.


Quote:
C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a
foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction
within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your
addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see
the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this
will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the
right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:
Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent
child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not
mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely
innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise
without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find
one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a
picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you
were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old--but only do this as a last resort. The
power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of
your own innocence--something that is very hard to do through
memory alone.

Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their
innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life.
Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack ofaddiction
in your life...and the desire for little more than love,
compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced
throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone.
Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel
love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with
this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your
life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now
showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your
thread.


When I do this I see an innocent little boy, someone I want to pick
up and love, someone like my son who has never been abused, unlike me.
I was not addicted back then, but the seeds for the addiction were laid
soon afterwards.


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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2016 12:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 2:
Quote:

A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask
them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you
leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no
distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find
somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the
life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this
point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you
would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as
you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of
the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this
vision with, consider talking with them. You are not looking for
validation, correction, guidance...you are just moving one step closer
to making this vision your reality. However, it is important that the
person you choose to share this vision with not listen with a critical
ear. You are in the infancy stage of learning how to perceive, develop
and manage your life as a healthy adult--there is no need to reinforce
your short-comings during this exercise.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general
rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery
Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be
comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and
have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you
want to live.




1. I want a life based on integrity, honor, honesty, courage, openness.
Where I have pride in who I am. Where I have the courage to reveal myself to the world.
To have a real life with no dissembling or falseness. Where I am what
I seem to be. Where my priorities and my decisions are based on
my internal values instead of what I think others want.


2. I want a life where I am healthy, where I can manage my emotions
in a healthy way, with no compulsive behaviors, where I can take
pride in all areas of my life.


3. I want to share my life with my wife in every way,
to have a deep and loving relationship, based on absolute honesty,
on sharing, on respect, on love. I want us to cherish one
another, support one another, explore new things together,
and not have secrets from one another.


4. I want a life where I value and respect the sacredness
of every human being and the sacredness of sexual love.
I want a life where the power and energy of my sexuality are used only
to deepen and strengthen my relationship with my wife, and not as a
secret tool to regulate my emotions.


5. I want a life closely connected to the natural world and the outdoors,
where I regularly spend time enjoying the beauty and calmness of nature.
I want to take care of my body, stay fit, and to organize my life to include
enjoy physical activities that exercise me and keep me fit, like biking, soccer, running.


6. I want to love my children and raise them well. I want to
fill them with love and compassion, fun and spontaneity. I want
to teach them responsibility, integrity, self reliance and compassion
by word and by example. I want to ensure financial stability for them
and give them a good education.


7. I want to make space and time for solitude and peacefulness
in my life, to stay in touch with my true feelings and to stay
aware of what is truly important. I want to arrange my life and
career to avoid having too much stress and time-demands and pressure,
and sufficient calmness and free time.


8. I want to nurture my creative and artistic side by playing and
listening to music more.


9. I want to stay in close contact with my extended family,
my sister, mother, brother, and cousins, via visits and more frequent
phone calls. I want to stay in closer contact with old friends
via emails and facebook.


10. I want to achieve things in my career as a scientist that I can be proud of,
and support and mentor other young scientists.


11. I want to contribute more to my community, in the small ways that I
can, by volunteering at my children's school, donating to
charities, maybe coaching a soccer team.


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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 7:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your
vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed
this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have
created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single,
comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you
derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to
derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items.
When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or
for examples of how to list each item, see the example values list.

C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of
from your vision, do the following:
1) Review the example values list for any additional values
that you may want to add to your own list. List them.
2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The
compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time
to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and
list them as well.



[Revised from last time]


Personal Qualities
------------------

Having self-respect, honor, dignity, pride
Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Keeping in touch with my feelings
Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
Being responsible and reliable
Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
Nurture my creative side, enjoy music
Setting realistic everyday goals, and accomplishing them
Celebrate and appreciate all my accomplishments, give myself healthy rewards
Nurture my spirituality
Nurture my curiosity and wonder
Being emotionally mature
Being organized and prudent in personal finances, being financially secure.
Traveling, seeing new places.
Being tolerant, open minded
Caring for and helping others.


As Husband
----------
Be honest with my wife, active not passive
Have the courage to share my vulnerabilities with her.
Cherish, love and take care of my wife
Treat her with respect
When she reveals vulnerabilities to me, or feelings of anger, cherish her, be respectful, and assume that anger is justified.
Being playful, lighthearted
Bring joy and happiness to her life
Be playful and spontaneous with her
Have frequent dates with my wife
Support her in her career
Work hard not to give her too much childcare, work hard not to let my career impact our family time.
Remember the things that she likes
Give her breaks from kid minding
Being sexually intimate
Feeling sexually desired, appreciated
Be always there for her to lean on
Being faithful and true to her, keeping the energy of my sexuality
just for her and to strengthen our relationship
Encouraging and supporting her pursuits and friendships
Spending time on my own pursuits, knowing it is good for our relationship.
Be appreciative of everything she does.
Appreciating her love, her honesty, her trust, her courage, her fidelity.
Being reliable and dependable


As Parent
---------
Love my children
Being playful
Teach them honesty, integrity, the virtue of hard work
Give them hugs and cuddles, play with them
Always make time for them, quality time, I focus on the things they are interested in.
Arrange play dates with their friends more often.
Be gentle, calm but firm and consistent when they misbehave
Do not loose my temper with them
Always listen to their concerns
Teach them about love, and about healthy sexuality
Teach them to appreciate nature
Teach them to be self reliant
Teach them to be curious, questioning, to believe in themselves
Teach them to be tolerant and open-minded, by example
Encourage and support their friendships and interests
Be financially secure, now and in the future
Pick them up early from after school more often, do things together
Volunteer at their school
Be a role model for my children, in how I treat them and
their mother, in my career, in how I treat myself.
Cherish the time we have with them, they will not be children forever.

As Son and Brother
------------------
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers
Keep in close contact with them.


As Friend
---------
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Make more effort to stay in contact with old friends
Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends
Be someone that friends can rely on
Bring light and joy to peoples lives
Showing my friends truth and vulnerability instead of always putting on a happy face.
Make more effort to stay in contact with extended family
Making good, non-superficial friends


As worker
-----------
Take care of the people who depend on me professionally
Take pride in my work and my accomplishments
Value knowledge and learning
Spend time to figure out how to organize myself efficiently.
Have realistic expectations for my accomplishments,
and figure out how to avoid stress and worry about my career
Make more effort to remember names of everyone I encounter, and to use them
Be a responsible member of my professional community
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Being a resource for others
I need to internalize the fact that my self-worth is not solely derived from my work,
and to take my work less seriously.








Dark Side Values
=================

Feeling excitement
Thinking that a secret, interior world that I control cannot hurt me.
Exploring taboo things.
Getting a thrill from seeing private things in others lives
Deception and control
Showing a false front
Thinking of women as sexual objects and not as people
Blocking inconvenient thoughts like the real lives of porn actresses
Reveling in fantasies, a rich secret inner world
False beliefs like sex with beautiful women will magically solve
emotional problems
Subsuming all other priorities to getting a fix.
Feeling shame, revulsion.
Feeling despair at being powerless and unable to control my life.
The feeling I don't deserve any better
The feeling there is no hope for the future
Basing my self-esteem on the input of others
Feeling a need to escape from reality
fantasizing that pornography actresses are doing those things with me, so I must be worthy and desirable.
Enjoying physical stimulation, visual stimulation, auditory stimulation, orgasm
Enjoying the anticipation.
Enjoying the reliability of the stimulation, the control.


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 12:56 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Here is my prioritized list of values for lesson 4:

Having self-respect, honor, dignity, pride
Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
Keeping in touch with my feelings
Be honest with my wife, active not passive
Have the courage to share my vulnerabilities with her.
Cherish, love and take care of my wife
Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
When my wife reveals vulnerabilities to me, or feelings of anger, cherish her, be respectful, and assume that anger is justified.
Love my children
Make quality time for my children, focussing on the things they are interested in.
Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers
Stay in contact with old and recent friends
Take care of the people who depend on me professionally
Take pride in my work and my accomplishments

Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
Being responsible and reliable
Nurture my creative side, enjoy music
Setting realistic everyday goals, and accomplishing them
Celebrate and appreciate all my accomplishments, give myself healthy rewards
Nurture my spirituality
Nurture my curiosity and wonder
Being emotionally mature
Being organized and prudent in personal finances, being financially secure.
Traveling, seeing new places.
Being tolerant, open minded
Caring for and helping others.
Treat my wife with respect
Being playful, lighthearted
Bring joy and happiness to her life
Be playful and spontaneous with her
Have frequent dates with my wife
Support her in her career
Work hard not to give her too much childcare, work hard not to let my career impact our family time.
Remember the things that she likes
Give her breaks from kid minding
Being sexually intimate
Feeling sexually desired, appreciated
Be always there for her to lean on
Being faithful and true to her, keeping the energy of my sexuality
just for her and to strengthen our relationship
Encouraging and supporting her pursuits and friendships
Spending time on my own pursuits, knowing it is good for our relationship.
Be appreciative of everything she does.
Appreciating her love, her honesty, her trust, her courage, her fidelity.
Being reliable and dependable
Being playful with my children
Teach them honesty, integrity, the virtue of hard work
Give them hugs and cuddles, play with them
Arrange play dates with their friends more often.
Be gentle, calm but firm and consistent when they misbehave
Do not loose my temper with them
Always listen to their concerns
Teach them about love, and about healthy sexuality
Teach them to appreciate nature
Teach them to be self reliant
Teach them to be curious, questioning, to believe in themselves
Teach them to be tolerant and open-minded, by example
Encourage and support their friendships and interests
Be financially secure, now and in the future
Pick them up early from after school more often, do things together
Volunteer at their school
Be a role model for my children, in how I treat them and
their mother, in my career, in how I treat myself.
Cherish the time we have with them, they will not be children forever.
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers
Keep in close contact with them.
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends
Be someone that friends can rely on
Bring light and joy to peoples lives
Showing my friends truth and vulnerability instead of always putting on a happy face.
Make more effort to stay in contact with extended family
Making good, non-superficial friends
Value knowledge and learning
Spend time to figure out how to organize myself efficiently.
Have realistic expectations for my accomplishments,
and figure out how to avoid stress and worry about my career
Make more effort to remember names of everyone I encounter, and to use them
Be a responsible member of my professional community
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Being a resource for others
I need to internalize the fact that my self-worth is not solely derived from my work,
and to take my work less seriously.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:59 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
My top 15 Values for Lesson 5
-----------------------------

Having self-respect, honor, dignity, integrity

Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity, active not passive

Use life management skills to manage my emotions based on long term values

Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy

Sharing my feelings and vulnerabilities my wife, reaching out to her

Organize my life so that have downtime and solitude, and keep in touch with my feelings

Value my sexuality as a sacred tool for love, not for medicating my emotions

Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise

Cherish, love and take care of my wife, honesty, respect

Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude

Make quality time for my children, focussing on the things they are interested in.

Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships

Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports

Nurture my creative side, listen to music, play music every day.

Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends. Take risks

Be organized and prudent in our personal finances, be financially secure.

Love and support my mother, stay close with my extended family.

Prioritize making time to stay in touch with old friend

Do work I can be proud of.

Be more organized and efficient in my career, to achieve my goals
and help the people who depend on me, without stress and taking
up family time.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2016 1:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 6

Quote:
Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values
List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three
of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening
your relationship with your wife" is complex.
"Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog"
(probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these
plans into your recovery thread.
Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection.
You only need to map out the next few steps in the
developmental process of strengthening and/or
maintaining this value (if it is already at full
strength).




Proactive Action Plan for Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every week plan ahead my work so that I am not faced with deadlines
requiring staying up late

* Go to bed by 9:30 instead of watching tv in the evenings

* Don't eat any chocolate

* Devote an hour every day to some kind of exercise, running or biking (when my knee
allows it) or going to the gym.

* Plan each day in advance to plan when the exercise will fit in.




Proactive Action Plans: Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Devote time every day to journalling, working on Recovery Nation workshop, and daily health monitoring.

* At the start of every day, plan out the day and know when this block of time will fit in.

* Make it towards the start of the day rather than towards the end, where it is more likely not to occur.

* If it is hard to fit in, get up early in the morning to make extra time.




Proactive Action Plan: Prioritize making time to stay in touch with old friends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every day make an effort to reach out to friends or family, via either an email,
a phone call or something else.

* Have this be part of the block of time devoted to emotional health

* Use my runs as opportunities to make phone calls using my cell phone and earphones.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:29 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 7:

Quote:
Take the next week (start today) to develop initial
action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It
is essential that you develop plans for at least the top
ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These
plans will be used to form the basis of your health
monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of
next week). Post these plans in your Recovery
Thread.



Here are some of them, more to come:


Proactive Action Plan: Be more organized and efficient in my career, to achieve my goals
and help the people who depend on me, without stress and taking
up family time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Plan my week to set aside blocks of time to focus on projects.
- Make an inventory of projects and elimiate some unimportant ones.
- Be more selective about going to meetings.
- Delegate more whenever possible



Proactive Action Plan: Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity, active not passive
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- During my emotional time every day, identify sources of stress and triggers,
like shame over past slips, fear of future slips, pressure of work, feeling of inadequacy in friendships,
- Share my feelings and vulnerabilities with my wife when the kids have gone to bed.
- When I get into quarrels with my wife, try to figure out why I feel hurt or vulnerable and share
that with her.
- Be alert for using deception as a tool for convenience even in little things, since being
honest and forthright in small things will make it easier for big things.
- During my daily health monitoring, think about whether I have been open or have used deception.


Proactive Action Plan: Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
------------------------------------------------------------

- Make time to run or bike or hike every day
- Continue on my soccer team.
- Try to organize outdoor activities with the kids on evenings and weekends.
- Enroll my son in evening soccer.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2016 6:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 10
----------
Quote:
I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated
in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are
deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean.
No need to do anything about these thoughts...just
have an awareness of them.


I had two relapse in December and another in May, where I watched
porn and masturbated. I told my wife about the first one but not
yet about the more recent two.

I am scared to come clean because I fear my wife will stop trusting
me, stop believing that I am on the road to recovery, stop believing in me.



Quote:
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now
whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them
in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge
that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that
relationship by maintaining the deception; AND,
admit to yourself that you are intentionally
sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing
such a huge crack to remain.


No I will come clean.

Quote:
III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or
outside counseling), choose now whether or not you
intend to continue deceiving those whom you are
working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that
you are not fully commited to ending your addiction.
Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the
motions', rather than actively pursue real change.


I am not involved in coaching or counseling.

Quote:
IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items
stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these
items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If
you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum,
email or PM the list to a Coach.


I have thrown away all the items (vibrators, lubricants)
that I used for masturbation.

Quote:
V. Make a list of all the people that you use as
compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this
in your thread.


There are two women that I have fantasized about extensively in the past. My wife did not want to know their identities. Over the last
several months I have been mostly successful about not fantasizing about them.
Quote:
VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act
out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
Post this list in your thread.


In my relapses I have masturbated and watched pornography in my bedroom
and in my home office.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2016 8:14 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Some more proactive action plans for Lesson 7:

Proactive Action Plan: Organize my life so that have downtime and solitude, and keep in touch with my feelings
and Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Try to walk/run/bike outside at least once a day. Organize this when I plan out my day at the start of the day.

- Buy a new bike.

- If I cannot fit it in on a given day, give it a much higher priority on the next day.

- During this time, listen to music and enjoy the calmness and downtime

- Bring my kids on hikes and bike rides and point out things about nature to them.



Proactive Action Plan: Love and support my mother, stay close with my extended family
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Call my mother once a week

- Invite my brother to visit

- Call my sister more often

- Arrange to visit my brother when I am in that part of the country for work.

- During weekly health monitoring, think about how to stay close with my family.

- Make contact with my cousins.





Proactive Action Plan: Having self-respect, honor, dignity, integrity
----------------------------------------------------------------------

- Make sure that my thoughts as well as my actions are congruent with my values.
Make this part of daily health monitoring.

- Don't make committments or promises unless I am sure I can follow through, especially at work.
Take on less, and promise less.

- Spend more of my "free time" productively and less on things like watching TV.

- Monitor myself carefully in daily health monitoring for use of deception in the smallest ways
to make life more convenient. Be prepared for more conflicts as I stand up for what I believe is right.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2016 4:30 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Proactive Action Plan: Sharing my feelings and vulnerabilities my wife, reaching out to her
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Be alert for any deceptions of my wife, or others, of any kind whatsoever
- Find times to talk to my wife every week about how I feel, work stress, addiction stress, friend stress: after kids on bus, in bed at night. Once per week.
- Enlist my wife's help when feel triggers, call her up, ask for coffee.
- In conflicts, don't hide my views from my wife, state and defend my position calmly, even if it leads to conflict.
- In conflicts, assume that her motivations are good and that I just don't understand them.


Cherish, love and take care of my wife, honesty, respect
--------------------------------------------------------
- Work hard to make my work not impact on our family time.
- When our kids are sick, share the time at home evenly.
- Volunteer to do more kid pickups at school so that she can get some time to herself.
- Meet her for runs and for coffee at work.
- Arrange to go visit her family often.
- Do more cleaning and housework.



Proactive Action Plan: Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Make playdates more often for my son and daughter
- Enroll my son in soccer
- Take them on bike rides
- Enroll them in swim lessons.
- Encourage their interests, animals for my son, literature for my daughter.
Think about ways to engage them about their interests.
- Bring my son rockclimbing
- Teach my son to ride his bike.
- Do more computer programming with my daughter.


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