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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 1:10 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
More proactive action plans for Lesson 7:


Proactive Action Plan: Do work I can be proud of.
--------------------------------------------------
- Don't waste time on unimportant projects
- Arrange to meet my group more often
- Hang out more at conferences.
- Don't waste time watching tv and amazon videos.



Value my sexuality as a sacred tool for love, not for medicating my emotions
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Avoid thoughts and online stories that stimulate me sexually
- Avoid scanning attractive women in public, be concious of it and head
it off before it occurs. Use it to help identify emotional triggers and conflicts
- Share my sexual thought and feelings with my wife
- Respect my wifes desires and choices of when and how to have sex.



Proactive Action Plan: Nurture my creative side, listen to music, play music every day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Listen to music every day while I run or bike.
- Spend 10 minutes every day enjoying playing the piano. Learn some new tunes
- Find new music using spotalike


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 Post subject: Starting Over. Lesson 1
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 3:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
I have been struggling with sexual addiction for many years.
Five years ago I started a recovery thread here and worked on it for several months.
I let it lapse because I thought, wrongly, that I had recovered.
Later when I slipped and relapsed I started again, only to fail again a few months later.
I have been struggling since, with periods of several months of relative health,
followed by sudden and devastating slips. During my periods of not acting
out I should have been working actively at recovering.

My most recent failure was a few days ago, when I watched pornographic videos
and masturbated. I am feeling trapped and powerless. I plan now to work through
the complete recovery thread and in addition to go into therapy. I want to be healthy.





Quote:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent
change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery
keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.


1) I am committed to making a permanent change to health.
Of course I made this committment last time around and I thought it was
sincere. I was only partially sucessful, I was too complacent and stopped
working hard too early, thinking I was healthy for superficial reasons (no acting out).
This time I will finish the workshop.


2) I think there is a real danger that my guilt and shame will trip me up.
I do not yet have much pride or confidence in my ability to recover.
I just have to take it a bit at a time and try to work towards pride and confidence.


3) I plan to give my recovery whatever time and effort is needed. My life is finite
and I want to have the rest of it be fulfilling and in full health. I don't expect
any rapid changes but just slow and steady progress.


Quote:
B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor
in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep
inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently
change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really
examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your
recovery thread.


- I want to have pride in myself, honor, integrity, dignity.

- I want to take all the time and energy I spend dealing with the
addiction and spend it instead on positive, life-affirming things:
playing with my children, enjoying nature, improving my relationship
with my wife

- I want to be in control of my life, to have agency and free will

- I want to devote my sexuality to enhancing my relationship
with my wife, not as a tool to medicate my emotions.

- I want to be emotionally strong and healthy in order to be able
to raise my kids to be the same way.

- I want to be able to have deep friendships outside my family;
my friendships are still now undermined by by addiction.

- I want to be able to be real and genuine and open, instead of having
a surface life and a secret innner life.

- I want to escape from my father's legacy.

- I want a more relaxed, stress-free life, where I don't have to worry
about the addiction taking over and destroying my life.

- I want to be free.


Quote:
C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a
foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction
within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your
addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see
the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this
will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the
right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:
Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent
child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not
mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely
innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise
without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find
one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a
picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you
were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old--but only do this as a last resort. The
power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of
your own innocence--something that is very hard to do through
memory alone.

Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their
innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life.
Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack ofaddiction
in your life...and the desire for little more than love,
compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced
throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone.
Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel
love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with
this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your
life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now
showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your
thread.


When I do this I see an innocent little boy, someone I want to pick
up and love, someone like my son who has never been abused, unlike me.
I was not addicted back then, but the seeds for the addiction were laid
soon afterwards.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2018 4:18 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 444
Hi SFH,

Welcome back to RN.

I can sense the disappointment that you feel in yourself for having relapsed but there are some positives to be drawn too which for me would include:

1. You've chosen to do something about it
2. You have correctly decided that RN has the tools and support required to fully recover this time
3. You recognise that complacency is your enemy and you need to keep this in mind this time. The learning on RN must be understood, practiced and be engrained in order for it to be sustainable in the longer term - there are plenty of examples of those on RN who have been able to achieve this and so can you. If you think of learning a new language, if you have regular lessons then you will become able to converse with someone else in their language in due course, but if you then stopped practising and didn't use it for 5 years then your brain will have forgotten what it had been taught and so it won't be there the next time you need to use it. Same thing here, if you keep the learning fresh in your mind then you will have the tools required at your finger tips when needed.

Quote:
I plan now to work through the complete recovery thread and in addition to go into therapy. I want to be healthy.


I think that this is a good idea, not only will it be a helpful refresher for you, I am sure you will pick things up that you missed the first time round.

Remember that you will only get out of RN what you put into it, if you are prepared to put in the effort then you will make it work and be sustainable this time. I wish you luck with it and look forward to following your new thread.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2018 6:28 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3945
Location: UK
Hello again SfH
sorry that you need to come back but happy that you decided to
I add my welcome to that from L2R, he provides good advice please heed it
I just want to add
Quote:
I have been struggling with sexual addiction for many years.


sorry but from the shoulder have you really been struggling or have you hovered around the edge of really doing something about it?

This is your time, lets make sure that you get this done
perhaps think more on change, total change in thought and thus deed in you
rather than simply one aspect -recovery
Quote:
I am feeling trapped and powerless.

We al think / thought that, but it is simply not true, again another way that as addicts we BS ourselves
you are not powerless, quite the contrary
you have it in you to beat this and to become the essence of your name

As L2R said, looking forwards to seeing progress, so do it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Lesson 2
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2018 9:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Thank you Coach L2R for your encouraging words and feedback,
and pointing out positive aspects. I am going to put in the effort
and not be complacent.

Thank you Coach Kenzo for your helpful response and advice.

Quote:
sorry but from the shoulder have you really been struggling
or have you hovered around the edge of really doing something about it?


I think you are right that I did not give it my complete effort. I
had many rationalizations but maybe at heart I simply did not want to
get well. I did not have complete faith that I could get well, or
understanding of how much better life would be with full health.


Quote:
perhaps think more on change, total change in thought and thus deed in
you rather than simply one aspect -recovery


Yes I agree a key element is in being healthy in my thoughts.


Quote:
We all think / thought that, but it is simply not true, again another
way that as addicts we BS ourselves
you are not powerless, quite the contrary


Thanks for the reality check. You're right that the idea of
powerlessness is like a "get out of jail free" card, it absolves you
of responsibility. Acknowledging agency also means acknowledging
responsibility.



Onto Lesson 2...


Quote:

A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask
them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you
leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no
distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find
somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the
life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this
point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you
would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as
you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of
the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this
vision with, consider talking with them. You are not looking for
validation, correction, guidance...you are just moving one step closer
to making this vision your reality. However, it is important that the
person you choose to share this vision with not listen with a critical
ear. You are in the infancy stage of learning how to perceive, develop
and manage your life as a healthy adult--there is no need to reinforce
your short-comings during this exercise.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general
rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery
Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be
comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and
have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you
want to live.




1. I want a life based on integrity, honor, honesty, courage, openness.
Where I have pride in who I am. Where I have the courage to reveal myself to the world.
To have a real life with no dissembling or falseness. Where I am what
I seem to be. Where my priorities and my decisions are based on
my internal values instead of what I think others want.


2. I want a life where I am healthy, where I can manage my emotions
in a healthy way, with no compulsive behaviors, where I can take
pride in all areas of my life.


3. I want to share my life with my wife in every way,
to have a deep and loving relationship, based on absolute honesty,
on sharing, on respect, on love. I want us to cherish one
another, support one another, explore new things together,
and not have secrets from one another.


4. I want a life where I value and respect the sacredness
of every human being and the sacredness of sexual love.
I want a life where the power and energy of my sexuality are used only
to deepen and strengthen my relationship with my wife, and not as a
secret tool to regulate my emotions.


5. I want a life closely connected to the natural world and the outdoors,
where I regularly spend time enjoying the beauty and calmness of nature.
I want to take care of my body, stay fit, and to organize my life to include
enjoy physical activities that exercise me and keep me fit, like biking, soccer, running.


6. I want to love my children and raise them well. I want to
fill them with love and compassion, fun and spontaneity. I want
to teach them responsibility, integrity, self reliance and compassion
by word and by example. I want to ensure financial stability for them
and give them a good education.


7. I want to make space and time for solitude and peacefulness
in my life, to stay in touch with my true feelings and to stay
aware of what is truly important. I want to arrange my life and
career to avoid having too much stress and time-demands and pressure,
and sufficient calmness and free time.


8. I want to nurture my creative and artistic side by playing and
listening to music more.


9. I want to stay in close contact with my extended family,
my sister, mother, brother, and cousins, via visits and more frequent
phone calls. I want to stay in closer contact with old friends
via emails and facebook.


10. I want to achieve things in my career as a scientist that I can be proud of,
and support and mentor other young scientists.


11. I want to contribute more to my community, in the small ways that I
can, by volunteering at my children's school.


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 Post subject: Lesson 3
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2018 2:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your
vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed
this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have
created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single,
comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you
derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to
derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items.
When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or
for examples of how to list each item, see the example values list.

C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of
from your vision, do the following:
1) Review the example values list for any additional values
that you may want to add to your own list. List them.
2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The
compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time
to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and
list them as well.




Personal Qualities
------------------

Having self-respect, honor, dignity, pride
Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Keeping in touch with my feelings
Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
Being responsible and reliable
Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
Nurture my creative side, enjoy music
Setting realistic everyday goals, and accomplishing them
Celebrate and appreciate all my accomplishments, give myself healthy rewards
Nurture my spirituality
Nurture my curiosity and wonder
Being emotionally mature
Being organized and prudent in personal finances, being financially secure.
Traveling, seeing new places.
Being tolerant, open minded
Caring for and helping others.


As Husband
----------
Be honest with my wife, active not passive
Have the courage to share my vulnerabilities with her.
Cherish, love and take care of my wife
Treat her with respect
When she reveals vulnerabilities to me, or feelings of anger, cherish her, be respectful, and assume that anger is justified.
Being playful, lighthearted
Bring joy and happiness to her life
Be playful and spontaneous with her
Have frequent dates with my wife
Support her in her career
Work hard not to give her too much childcare, work hard not to let my career impact our family time.
Remember the things that she likes
Give her breaks from kid minding
Being sexually intimate
Feeling sexually desired, appreciated
Be always there for her to lean on
Being faithful and true to her, keeping the energy of my sexuality
just for her and to strengthen our relationship
Encouraging and supporting her pursuits and friendships
Spending time on my own pursuits, knowing it is good for our relationship.
Be appreciative of everything she does.
Appreciating her love, her honesty, her trust, her courage, her fidelity.
Being reliable and dependable


As Parent
---------
Love my children
Being playful
Teach them honesty, integrity, the virtue of hard work
Give them hugs and cuddles, play with them
Always make time for them, quality time, I focus on the things they are interested in.
Arrange play dates with their friends more often.
Be gentle, calm but firm and consistent when they misbehave
Do not loose my temper with them
Always listen to their concerns
Teach them about love, and about healthy sexuality
Teach them to appreciate nature
Teach them to be self reliant
Teach them to be curious, questioning, to believe in themselves
Teach them to be tolerant and open-minded, by example
Encourage and support their friendships and interests
Be financially secure, now and in the future
Pick them up early from after school more often, do things together
Volunteer at their school
Be a role model for my children, in how I treat them and
their mother, in my career, in how I treat myself.
Cherish the time we have with them, they will not be children forever.

As Son and Brother
------------------
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers
Keep in close contact with them.


As Friend
---------
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Make more effort to stay in contact with old friends
Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends
Be someone that friends can rely on
Bring light and joy to peoples lives
Showing my friends truth and vulnerability instead of always putting on a happy face.
Make more effort to stay in contact with extended family
Making good, non-superficial friends


As worker
-----------
Take care of the people who depend on me professionally
Take pride in my work and my accomplishments
Value knowledge and learning
Spend time to figure out how to organize myself efficiently.
Have realistic expectations for my accomplishments,
and figure out how to avoid stress and worry about my career
Don't volunteer to take on more than I can reasonably accomplish.
Make more effort to remember names of everyone I encounter, and to use them
Be a responsible member of my professional community
Being a resource for others
I need to internalize the fact that my self-worth is not solely derived from my work, and to take my work less seriously.








Dark Side Values
=================

Feeling excitement
Thinking that a secret, interior world that I control cannot hurt me.
Exploring taboo things.
Getting a thrill from seeing private things in others lives
Deception and control
Showing a false front
Thinking of women as sexual objects and not as people
Blocking inconvenient thoughts like the real lives of porn actresses
Reveling in fantasies, a rich secret inner world
False beliefs like sex with beautiful women will magically solve
emotional problems
Subsuming all other priorities to getting a fix.
Feeling shame, revulsion.
Feeling despair at being powerless and unable to control my life.
The feeling I don't deserve any better
The feeling there is no hope for the future
Basing my self-esteem on the input of others
Feeling a need to escape from reality
fantasizing that pornography actresses are doing those things with me, so I must be worthy and desirable.
Enjoying physical stimulation, visual stimulation, auditory stimulation, orgasm
Enjoying the anticipation.
Enjoying the reliability of the stimulation, the control.


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 Post subject: Lesson 4
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2018 8:00 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Here is my prioritized list of values for lesson 4:



Having self-respect, honor, dignity, pride
Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
Keeping in touch with my feelings
Be honest with my wife, active not passive
Have the courage to share my vulnerabilities with her.
Cherish, love and take care of my wife, arrange regular dates
Being faithful and true to her, keeping the energy of my sexuality
just for her and to strengthen our relationship
Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
When my wife reveals vulnerabilities to me, or feelings of anger, cherish her, be respectful, and assume that anger is justified.
Love my children
Make quality time for my children, focussing on the things they are interested in.
Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers. Call them regularly.
Stay in contact with old and recent friends
Take care of the people who depend on me professionally
Take pride in my work and my accomplishments

Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
Being responsible and reliable
Nurture my creative side, enjoy music
Celebrate and appreciate all my accomplishments, give myself healthy rewards
Nurture my spirituality
Nurture my curiosity and wonder
Being emotionally mature
Being organized and prudent in personal finances, being financially secure.
Traveling, seeing new places.
Being tolerant, open minded
Caring for and helping others.
Treat my wife with respect
Being playful, lighthearted
Bring joy and happiness to her life
Be playful and spontaneous with her
Have frequent dates with my wife
Support her in her career
Work hard not to give her too much childcare, work hard not to let my career impact our family time.
Remember the things that she likes
Give her breaks from kid minding
Being sexually intimate
Feeling sexually desired, appreciated
Be always there for her to lean on
Encouraging and supporting her pursuits and friendships
Spending time on my own pursuits, knowing it is good for our relationship.
Be appreciative of everything she does.
Appreciating her love, her honesty, her trust, her courage, her fidelity.
Being reliable and dependable
Setting realistic everyday goals, and accomplishing them
Being playful with my children
Teach them honesty, integrity, the virtue of hard work
Give them hugs and cuddles, play with them
Arrange play dates with their friends more often.
Be gentle, calm but firm and consistent when they misbehave
Do not loose my temper with them
Always listen to their concerns
Teach them about love, and about healthy sexuality
Teach them to appreciate nature
Teach them to be self reliant
Teach them to be curious, questioning, to believe in themselves
Teach them to be tolerant and open-minded, by example
Encourage and support their friendships and interests
Be financially secure, now and in the future
Pick them up early from after school more often, do things together
Volunteer at their school
Be a role model for my children, in how I treat them and
their mother, in my career, in how I treat myself.
Cherish the time we have with them, they will not be children forever.
Love and support my mother and sister and brothers
Keep in close contact with them.
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends
Be someone that friends can rely on
Bring light and joy to peoples lives
Showing my friends truth and vulnerability instead of always putting on a happy face.
Make more effort to stay in contact with extended family
Making good, non-superficial friends
Value knowledge and learning
Have realistic expectations for my accomplishments,
and figure out how to avoid stress and worry about my career
Make more effort to remember names of everyone I encounter, and to use them
Treat people with kindness and compassion
Being a resource for others
I need to internalize the fact that my self-worth is not solely derived from my work,
and to take my work less seriously.


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 Post subject: Lesson 5
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 5:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
My top 15 Values for Lesson 5
-----------------------------

Having self-respect, honor, dignity, integrity

Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity, active not passive

Use life management skills to manage my emotions based on long term values

Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy

Sharing my feelings and vulnerabilities my wife, reaching out to her

Organize my life so that have downtime and solitude, and keep in touch with my feelings

Value my sexuality as a sacred tool for love, not for medicating my emotions

Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise

Cherish, love and take care of my wife, honesty, respect

Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude

Make quality time for my children, focussing on the things they are interested in.

Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships

Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports

Nurture my creative side, listen to music, play music every day.

Be more open and courageous in attempting to make new same-sex friends. Take risks

Be organized and prudent in our personal finances, be financially secure.

Love and support my mother, stay close with my extended family.

Prioritize making time to stay in touch with old friend

Do work I can be proud of.

Be more organized and efficient in my career, to achieve my goals
and help the people who depend on me, without stress and taking
up family time.


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 Post subject: Lesson 6
PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:31 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 6

Quote:
Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values
List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three
of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening
your relationship with your wife" is complex.
"Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog"
(probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these
plans into your recovery thread.
Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection.
You only need to map out the next few steps in the
developmental process of strengthening and/or
maintaining this value (if it is already at full
strength).




Proactive Action Plan for Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every week plan ahead my work so that I am not faced with deadlines
requiring staying up late

* Go to bed by 9:30 instead of watching tv in the evenings

* Don't eat any chocolate or sweets, use only low fat butter

* Devote an hour every day to some kind of exercise, running or biking or going to the gym.

* Plan each day in advance to plan when the exercise will fit in.




Proactive Action Plans: Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Devote time every day to journalling, working on Recovery Nation workshop, and daily health monitoring.

* At the start of every day, plan out the day and know when this block of time will fit in.

* Make it towards the start of the day rather than towards the end, where it is more likely not to occur.

* If it is hard to fit in, get up early in the morning to make extra time.




Proactive Action Plan: Prioritize making time to stay in touch with family and old friends
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every day make an effort to reach out to friends or family, via either an email,
a phone call or something else.

* Have this be part of the block of time devoted to emotional health

* Use my runs as opportunities to make phone calls using my cell phone and earphones.


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 Post subject: Lesson 7
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 12:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Proactive Action Plan for Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every week plan ahead my work so that I am not faced with deadlines
requiring staying up late

* Go to bed by 10:00 instead of watching tv in the evenings

* Don't eat any chocolate

* Devote an hour every day to some kind of exercise, running or biking or going to the gym,
when my back allows it.

* Plan each day in advance to plan when the exercise will fit in.




Proactive Action Plans: Devoting time to myself to make sure I get and stay emotionally healthy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Devote time every day to journalling, working on Recovery Nation workshop, and daily health monitoring.

* At the start of every day, plan out the day and know when this block of time will fit in.

* Make it towards the start of the day rather than towards the end, where it is more likely not to occur.

* If it is hard to fit in, get up early in the morning to make extra time.



Proactive Action Plan: Being honest with myself and others, having integrity and authenticity, active not passive
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* I need to share with my wife about my recent slips with porn

* During my emotional time every day, identify sources of stress and triggers,
like shame over past slips, fear of future slips, pressure of work, feeling of inadequacy in friendships,

* Share my feelings and vulnerabilities with my wife when the kids have gone to bed.

* When I get into quarrels with my wife, try to figure out why I feel hurt or vulnerable and share
that with her.

* Be alert for using deception as a tool for convenience even in little things, since being
honest and forthright in small things will make it easier for big things.

* During my daily health monitoring, think about whether I have been open or have used deception.



Value my sexuality as a sacred tool for love, not for medicating my emotions
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Avoid thoughts and online stories that stimulate me sexually

* Avoid scanning attractive women in public, be concious of it and head
it off before it occurs. Use it to help identify emotional triggers and conflicts

* Share my sexual thought and feelings with my wife

* Respect my wifes desires and choices of when and how to have sex.



Proactive Action Plan: Having self-respect, honor, dignity, integrity
----------------------------------------------------------------------

* Make sure that my thoughts as well as my actions are congruent with my values.
Make this part of daily health monitoring.

* Don't make committments or promises unless I am sure I can follow through, especially at work.
Take on less, and promise less.

* Spend more of my "free time" productively and less on things like watching TV.

* Monitor myself carefully in daily health monitoring for use of deception in the smallest ways
to make life more convenient. Be prepared for more conflicts as I stand up for what I believe is right.




Proactive Action Plan: Prioritize making time to stay in touch with old friends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Every day make an effort to reach out to friends or family, via either an email,
a phone call or something else.

* Have this be part of the block of time devoted to emotional health

* Use my runs as opportunities to make phone calls using my cell phone and earphones.



Proactive Action Plan: Be more organized and efficient in my career, to achieve my goals
and help the people who depend on me, without stress and taking
up family time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Plan my week to set aside blocks of time to focus on projects.

* Make an inventory of projects and elimiate some unimportant ones.

* Be more selective about going to meetings.

* Delegate more whenever possible




Proactive Action Plan: Enjoy outdoor activities liking hiking and sports
------------------------------------------------------------

* Make time to run or bike or hike every day

* Continue on my soccer team.

* Try to organize outdoor activities with the kids on evenings and weekends.





Proactive Action Plan: Organize my life so that have downtime and solitude, and keep in touch with my feelings
and Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Try to walk/run/bike outside at least once a day. Organize this when I plan out my day at the start of the day.

- Buy a new bike.

- If I cannot fit it in on a given day, give it a much higher priority on the next day.

- During this time, listen to music and enjoy the calmness and downtime

- Bring my kids on hikes and bike rides and point out things about nature to them.



Proactive Action Plan: Love and support my mother, stay close with my extended family
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Call my mother every weekend

- Invite my brother to visit

- Call my sister more often

- Arrange to visit my brother when I am in that part of the country for work.

- During weekly health monitoring, think about how to stay close with my family.

- Make contact with my cousins.





Proactive Action Plan: Sharing my feelings and vulnerabilities my wife, reaching out to her
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Be alert for any deceptions of my wife, or others, of any kind whatsoever

* Find times to talk to my wife every week about how I feel, work
stress, addiction stress, friend stress: after kids on bus, in bed at
night. Once per week.

* Arrange more frequent dates out with my wife

* Enlist my wife's help when feel triggers, call her up, ask for coffee.

* In conflicts, don't hide my views from my wife, state and defend my position calmly, even if it leads to conflict.

* In conflicts, assume that her motivations are good and that I just
don't understand them. Assume that any anger is justified and it is
my job to understand where she is coming from.



Cherish, love and take care of my wife, honesty, respect
--------------------------------------------------------

* Work hard to make my work not impact on our family time.

* When our kids are sick, share the time at home evenly.

* Volunteer to do more kid pickups at school so that she can get some time to herself.

* Meet her for runs and for coffee at work.

* Arrange to go visit her family often.

* Do more cleaning and housework.



Proactive Action Plan: Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Make playdates more often for my son and daughter

* Take them on bike rides

* Encourage their interests, art for my son, literature and computers for my daughter.
Think about ways to engage them about their interests.

* Bring my son rockclimbing





Proactive Action Plan: Do work I can be proud of.
--------------------------------------------------

* Don't waste time on unimportant projects

* Arrange to meet my group more often

* Hang out more at conferences.

* Don't waste time watching tv and amazon videos.








Proactive Action Plan: Nurture my creative side, listen to music, play music every day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Listen to music every day while I run or bike.

* Spend 10 minutes every day enjoying playing the piano. Learn some new tunes

* Find new music using spotalike


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 Post subject: Lesson 10
PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 10
----------
Quote:
I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated
in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are
deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean.
No need to do anything about these thoughts...just
have an awareness of them.



I told my wife about my masturbation and porn slips two years ago.
Since then I have had several more slips that I have not told her
about.

I am scared to come clean because I fear my wife will stop trusting
me, stop believing that I am on the road to recovery, stop believing in me.
I am not sure that I believe in myself.


Quote:
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now
whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them
in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge
that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that
relationship by maintaining the deception; AND,
admit to yourself that you are intentionally
sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing
such a huge crack to remain.


No I will come clean, when I get to a stronger point in my recovery
when I will be able to deal with the consequences more easily.

Quote:
III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or
outside counseling), choose now whether or not you
intend to continue deceiving those whom you are
working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that
you are not fully commited to ending your addiction.
Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the
motions', rather than actively pursue real change.


I am not involved in coaching or counseling.

Quote:
IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items
stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these
items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If
you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum,
email or PM the list to a Coach.


I have thrown away all the items (vibrators, lubricants)
that I used for masturbation. I have deleted all the files,
book marks etc that I used for porn. Unfortunately I remember
lots of details about where to find porn on the internet.


Quote:
V. Make a list of all the people that you use as
compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this
in your thread.


There are two women that I have fantasized about extensively in the
past. My wife did not want to know their identities. Over the last
several months I have been intermittently about not fantasizing
about them. When I fail it is usually a precusor to a complete
failure involving porn and masturbation.


Quote:
VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act
out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
Post this list in your thread.


In my relapses I have masturbated and watched pornography in my bedroom
and in my home office.


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 Post subject: Lesson 7
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:53 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
I have lapsed and not posted here for a few months, and have had relapses with more porn use.
I'm going to try now to pick up where I left off in April. Here are updated proactive action
plans for Lesson 7.


1 Having self-respect, honor, dignity, integrity, authenticity
----------------------------------------------------------------

* Filter all decisions through integrity filter, take pride in always
being honest even if it is inconvenient, even for little things.

* Make a plan for full disclosure about recent porn use

* Every day at check in, think of how this value has worked in my life that day

* In negotiating with wife on kids, be sure to share my feelings/thoughts with
her even if I think it will upset her. Be real.

* Look out for physical cues that tell me of my own emotions, since sometimes
I fool myself or are blind to my own emotions.



2 Prioritize my own mental and emotiotional health, giving it the necessary time and energy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Have a time everyday for journalling, working through revovery nation workshop etc.

* At the start of every day, plan out the day and know when this block of time will fit in.

* Make it towards the start of the day rather than towards the end, where it is more likely not to occur.

* If I can't fit it in, do it late at night before bed.

* Pay attention to small mood cues, binging on amazon watching or chocolate
or snapping at kids, figure out what is torquing me.

* Revise and enact my proactive action plans

* Figure out what is driving my moods, address the things that are torquing me,
hardest first.

* Volunteer, help others as a good way to reset things and boost emotional health.

* at the end of every day, measure my mood and correlate it with how I spent day.
Build up an understaning of what makes me fulfilled, and spend more time on that.






3 Cherish, love and take care of my wife, honesty, respect
------------------------------------------------------------

* Make dates out with her at least once every 2 months

* Give her space when I feel she needs it or if she asks for it.

* Have a frank discussion of alcohol concerns with her.

* Sometimes she says I seem angry when I am not, have to figure that out.
TEll her that sometimes I have difficulty recognizing my owm emotions,
like her help in figuring it out.

* Give her postivie feedback on her parenting, housework, career.

* Don't complain or feel bad about extra housework falling on me -- hire a cleaner instead.

* Engage her in conversation about her work, our friends




4 Actively sharing my feelings and vulnerabilities my wife, reaching out to her
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Have to disclose about recent porn use at some point as a foundation

* Tell her when I am feeling work stress. How to deal with the percieved
subtext that I am asking her to do more with kids, housework???
say explicitly that she is doing enough and I appreciate it, just helps
me to share my stress???

* Share when I am feeling I don't have enough friends.

* Times: when in bed at nigth before falling alseep. Try to go to bed
at the same time. Also on our dates.




5 Organize my life so that have downtime and solitude, and keep in touch with my feelings
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Have a check in time every day, do to my lesson, think about where I am, how things
are going, sources of stress etc.

* Use my exercise time every day to review past day, the emotional highs and lows, and try
to defuse any emotional triggers. Plan/organize my exercise time at the start of the day.

* If I identify sources of stress, feed it back into my tasks as something to improve
and work at, so I no longer need feel guilty/shameful about it -- if I am doing my best
at it, then my performance is what it is and I should be proud of it, even it falls short
of what I originally imagined. Specifically tasks at work.

* Be wary and careful of taking on professional committments, they can add up and remove
any flexibility.

* Vary it up in terms of exercise mode (running, biking, ...) and locale, to keep it fresh
and interesting; eg new biking trail our friends told us about.

* If I cannot fit it in on a given day, higer priority the next day.




6 Value my sexuality as a sacred tool for love, not for medicating my emotions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* How to develop this value without putting pressure on my wife for more sex??
Have a discussion about it with her.

* Think of our love and of my wife's happiness when triggers are experienced.

* Share my sexual thoughts and feelings about my wife with her.

* When confronted with attractive women in public places or other triggers

- Recognize it is an opportunity for a health-affirming triumph and growth.
- Find something else to look at and appreciate, especially beauty of nature
- Measure the strength of the anticipated emotional stimulation on a scale of 1-10,
and realize that I can get healthy stimulation from other means, I have a choice.
- Try to identify any emotional triggers that are driving me to want the stimulation,
eg a source of stress or shame, and make a note of it to try to deal with it in a constructive
way later during my check in times.
- Feel proud of myself for having sucessfully navigated it.



7 Taking care of my body, prioritizing sleep, healthy eating, exercise
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Every week plan ahead my work so that I am not faced with deadlines
requiring staying up late

* Go to bed by 10:00 instead of watching tv in the evenings

* Don't eat any chocolate or sweets, use only low fat butter

* Devote an hour every day to some kind of exercise, running or biking or going to the gym.

* Plan each day in advance to plan when the exercise will fit in.

* Don't eat snacks just before bed



8 Spend time close to nature on a regular basis, appreciate its beauty and solitude
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Vary my running routes

* Start going for bike rides too, on new trail.

* Take kids on hikes and bike rides

* Arrange water sports with kids, kayaking or paddle boarding

* Basketball hoop for my son

* Run along lake





9 Strengthen my role as parent to my children
----------------------------------------------

* Figure out my daughters interests and participate in them.

* Figure out things can do with just me and her and do them.
eg pick her up early, take her for ice cream, then pick up my son.

* Volunteer at activities at school for my son

* Figure out internet security for my kids



10 Arrange and encourage my childrens activities and friendships
-----------------------------------------------------------------

* find out all the things possible for our kids to do at school

* Encourage kids to get involved

* Volunteer to help with them.

* be proactive in arranging and facilitating playdates

* Invite friends along on family activities.



11 Nurture my creative side, listen to music, play music every day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

* Set aside some time to play guitar/piano every day.

* Download more tunes for piano

* Play more tunes from internet on guitar.

* Aim to jam with friends.





12 Strengthen my friendships outside my family
-----------------------------------------------

* Invite friends to meet me for lunch

* Send emails to old friends/relatives. Part of my check in time every day




13 Be organized and prudent in our personal finances, be financially secure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make projections of retirement situation

Make projections of college expenses situation

Look at implications of new taxes

Search for fee based financial advisor



14 Maintain and enhance my links with my extended family, mother and siblings.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Call my siblings a bit more often.

* Arrange to visit my cousin.

* Arrange a vacation together with my brothers family




15 Prioritize engagement with the world over escapism and consumerism.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

* Limit my amazon viewing to 30 minutes per day

* Limit my news consumption on ipad to 10 mins/day

* Proactively volunteer at school more

* Arrange beers out with friends more


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 Post subject: Lesson 11
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:48 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Here is how these things have applied to me in my life.



Fantasy
-------

* In the past, fantasies when see attractive women in public.
Extended scanning followed by masturbation later.
During my recovery over the past 5 years this has been much reduced.
I still feel the urge to scan attractive women I see in public, during
the summer when they are wearing shorts, and it takes effort not to do so.
I mostly succeed but sometimes do not.

* In the past, infatuation/fantasy/obsession with two particular women, one after the other.
Extended fantasies when lying in bed, driving along;
fantasies when masturbating or having sex with wife.
Detailed and intricate fantasies of affairs, how to arrange tyrsts etc.
I mistakenly believed that getting together would be a flame
that would solve all my emotional problems.
I noticed that slips involving fantasies with these women were correlated
with later slips with masturbation and porn. I have now stopped
fantasizing and obsessing about them.


* Cues for obsession: stress, low self-esteem, boredom,
attractive women trigger thoughts of past rejections, lonliness,
running into fantasy object, acts as trigger.

* Boundaries violated: my identity, integrity and intimacy of my
marriage, my being rooted in reality, my self-respect.




Masturbation
------------

* Behaviors in past: use of vibrators, dildos in anus,
digital stimulation of anus and prostate.
use of a vibrator on my anus, bent over my bed or sofa.
Achieve orgasm, release
Often with fantasy,
often while viewing pornographic videos.
I've made videos of myself doing this and watched them while masturbating,
this boosts the stimulation.
Followed by guilt, shame

I stopped masturbating completely 5 1/2 years ago for 2 1/2 years.
But in the last 3 years I have had many episodes involving masturbation and porn,
on again and off again, a constant struggle.

* Cues: stress (work, addiction), shame, opportunity, despair re recovery, low self-esteem, desire for escape, boost.

* Boundaries violated: self-respect, intimacy, autonomy, order, integrity



Pornography
-----------

* Behavior:
Very distant past: images in magazines, movies in adult movie theatres,
streamed videos in adult stores.
rental of adult movies to play at home.
Distant past: images and vidoes over internet.
Time spent seeking most stimulating videos
Masturbation, orgasm

I stopped porn use completely for 3 years 5 1/2 years ago, but in the last 2 1/2 years
I have been struggling with intermittent failures and repeated eposides of porn use
and masturbation.

* Cues: stress, emotional imbalance, opportunity, pressure builds up,
shame from addiction.

* Boundaries violated: self-respect, intimacy, autonomy, order,
integrity


Promiscuity
------------
No


Affairs
-------
No


Prostitution
------------
* Behavior:
Distant past:
Cruised for prostitutes (driving down certain streets).
Paid street prostitute for oral sex in car
Paid street prostitute to masturbate me in my home
Hired prostitutes for sex:
Went to brothel on a business trip, paid for sex.
paid prostutute to come to my home for sex (2 occasions)
Paid masseuse to masturbate me in massage parlor
Paid for lap dances at strip shows

* Cues: compulsion, shame at sexual inexperience, shame of addiction,
low self-esteem, stress, escapism, opportunity

* Boundaries violated: safety, security, integrity, self-respect


Rape & Sexual Violence
----------------------
No


Voyeuring, Exhibitionism and Stalking
-------------------------------------

* Behavior:
Distant past: Scanning appartment building with binoculars looking
for sexual activity
Listening to walls in hotels, appartment buildings
Observing neighbor in her kitchen through windows of house.
Going to strip clubs
Looking at "voyeur cams" on the internet

* Cues: lonliness, shame, stress, shame of addiction, boredom,
opportunity

* Boundaries violated: integrity, self-respect, intimacy


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 Post subject: Lesson 12
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:11 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
Identify those patterns that you currently recognize
in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post
these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or
Recovery Manager


Over the last five years I have several times started working
through the workshop but have never completed it. Here are some
of the patterns that have applied to me

From "Those who will continue to struggle with relapse":

* "They actively prepare their environment
for successful acting out by": I have done
this, coming home at a time when I know nobody will be home
and then ending up masturbating or watching porn.

* "They believe that what they are experiencing is their fate " and
"They suspect that they will never be able to overcome their urges":
While intellectually I don't believe these statements, at a deep emotional level
I stuggle to develop any faith in the possibility of my changing.

* "They find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse
for continuing to engage in their behavior. " I think this has been
true for me.



From "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse"

* "Individuals who attempt recovery yet continue to struggle with
occasional mild/moderate patterns of relapse. Quite often, it is
the abstinence that can last for many years, with relapse coming in
binges, rather than sustained patterns. Though it is also an "on
again/off again" recovery pattern, the "on again" is most
frequently triggered by their own guilt and shame for returning to
the behaviors, rather than being caught engaging in such behavior "

This describes fairly accurately where I have been.

* They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over
their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.

* "Relapse triggers are feared, and so their
lives continue to be altered as a result of
addiction." This does apply to me, for example I try
to avoid women whom I have fantasized about in the past,
since I know seeing them will act as a trigger.

* "They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than
learning new behavior." This is definitely true, I have been
focused on the problems of porn, masturbation, fantasy instead
of focussed on values and life skills.

* "They consistently measure the success of their recovery through
abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal
satisfaction." This has also been true for me, I need to
internalize to focus instead on my emotional state and on how to
strengthen my values.

* "They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out —
extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression"




Over the past three weeks I have been working hard at restarting the
program, and have been healthy so far.


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 Post subject: Lesson 13
PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 2:54 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
Identify those patterns that you currently recognize
in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post
these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or
Recovery Manager.


These are the patterns that I think apply to me now:

From early revovery:

- In early recovery, individuals often experience significant
doubts relating to their ability to change.

From middle recovery:

- I have accepted that I have struggled
with certain immoral behaviors that
contradicted their values, but realize that what
matters is what I am doing, not what I
did. I realize that no successful recovery
ever took place by changing the past, only by
changing the present.

- My motivation to recover comes from the
desire to live a life that I can be proud of, and in control of,
rather than a desire to create the illusion of a
life that I can be proud of.

- I make decisions based on what I believe
is the right thing to do, rather than on what
I think they can get away with. I know
that whether these decisions end up being the
right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that
matters is that they were made with the right
intentions in mind.

- "They are not focused on controlling/ending their
past behavioral patterns, but on developing new
patterns that will take the place of those
related to the addiction."

- I perceive powerlessness as a temporary
term that more accurately describes my lack
of skills in managing their urges. I am gradually
developing more confidence and feeling less and less powerless.

- "Relapse triggers are experienced not as a
threat, but an opportunity." This is true for me to some
extent, I have used triggers as opportunities
to practice new coping skills, and also to gain
insights into whatever internal stress or emotion
may have been involved in the trigger.

- "They recognize that the feelings that they are
experiencing are the same feelings that others
deal with every day in many different situations.
That they are not "defective", but "deficient"."
This is an important shift in viewpoint and in core beliefs,
I think I am starting to make this transition but I
am not completely there yet.

- I have taken a long, hard look at anything
associated with my destructive past, and have
voluntarily make the decision to remove these
objects from my life.

- I feel terrible about how I have hurt my wife,
and how difficult it will be for her to work through everything.
I have to do everything I can to help her and to
try to make it up to her.

- None of the patterns listed under "Late Recovery" really
apply to me yet. I do not yet have complete confidence
in my current ability to manage my life. What I do know
is that I will keep working until I get there.


Quote:
Consider the values that surround both your
healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent
with your current prioritized values? If yes,
wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how
you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery?
Share your thoughts in the community forum.



I think the patterns in my life now are all consistent
with my current prioritized values.


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