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 Post subject: Lesson 14
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 10:22 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
My Health Monitoring Plan


1. Did I plan out my day at the start of the day to have some
personal time, exercise time and time to work on the workshop?

2. Did I engage in recovery work and personal growth today
(recovery nation, journal). If not how many days has it been?

3. Did I devote any time to improving my spiritual health today,
(quite time to myself to think, get in touch with my emotional
state, keep track of triggers, perhaps listen to music, be in
contact with nature)? If not how many days has it been?

4 . Did I play any music to relax today? How long has it been?

5. Did I take care of my body and health today? Get to bed early,
get some exercise, not eat sugary food?

6. Did I engage in any compulsive (objectification, scanning, fantasy)
behavior today? Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of
that ritual? Did I identify external or internal triggers?

7. Did I restrict my behaviors today to those I am completely
comfortable in seeing through my wifes eyes? Did I stay away from
using deception to avoid taking responsibility?

8. Did I carefully organize my time at work to be responsible and
effective, following a weekly plan?

9. Did I spend any time today working on connecting with my daughter,
figuring out her school activities, making time to spend with her?

10. Did I interact with or contact someone important to me
beyond my immediate family (extended family, friends) in person,
via email or phone? If not, how many days has it been?

11. Did I spend my free time in construtive and value enhancing ways
rather than escapism (eg watching amazon prime, reading online news)?

12. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at
the moment? Do I need to take any action to rebalance myself?


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 Post subject: Lesson 15
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2018 9:32 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 15: Example of integration of something I have learned
into my everyday life:

When I feel a strong urge to scan and ogle a woman a see walking
on the street, I now try hard to identify a source of stress
or strong emotion in what I was thinking about shortly beforehand.
Usually if I can identify the source of stress,
the urge to scan dissipates.

I am playing a little music every day to help strengthen that
value in my life. It helps to calm my mood and I derive fulfillment
from it in a low key way.


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 Post subject: Lesson 15
PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
More on Lesson 15:

Quote:
Whether you struggle with compulsive behaviors
associated with sex and/or love, take some time to
think of how these behaviors were introduced into
your life.


Any glimple of sex produced a thrill and shame.
Porn magazine, movie scenes, scenes in books.
I picked up the shame/censorship of my father
at a very early age, before my first girlfriend.
Early on I had a secret inner life of stimulation and shame.

Quote:
Think of how they developed into
destructive (or potentially destructive) behaviors.


I grew to rely on them more and more due to
innate low self esteem and life circumstances,
break-ups, lack of friends, new cities.

Quote:
What were some of the key "introductions" of new
values that you associated with this behavior? Things
like significant relationships, traumatic or stressful
events and personal insights that affect the
development (for the good or the bad) of your values
should be considered.


When I was young I was lonely and insecure. I used
to go to bookstores to read the sex scenes in books on the shelves
as a comfort.

I rented my first porn movie while I was depressed over
a breakup, and living far away from home. Once I started
there was no going back, I rented porn regularly for several years.

After another traumatic breakup I had sex with a prostitute,
which I repeated a few times before stopping and starting to see
a therapist about my growing addiction.


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 Post subject: Lesson 16
PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:55 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has
played in your life. What purposes has it served (think
short-term, not long)?
Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in
removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction — to begin
seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than as some kind of
supernatural fate or disease that you are doomed to suffer.



During times where I felt inadequacy or shame, acting
out by watching porn or masturbating has caused those
feelings to temporarily go away. Similarly for feelings
of stress caused by worry about the future, worry about
my marriage, worry about my career, or loneliness.
Acting out acted as a temporary escape. There is an excitement,
a rush, a feeling of anticipation.

During acting out I have felt a very intense high, almost ecstasy,
a trance like state, this blots out other thoughts and feelings and memories.


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 Post subject: Lesson 17
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:16 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 17
----------

Quote:
Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you
have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual
and post them in your recovery thread.



A ritual I have engaged in is masturbating to pornography in my home office.


1. I am working in my home office with nobody else in the house,
an opportunity.

2. Feelings of stress, shame or inadequacy are triggered by something I
encounter in my work.
I feel an urge to act out and close my office door. I imagine
what I am about to do. [Fantasy, Suspense]

3. I decieve myself that I am resisting by not going
immediately to hard porn sites but instead doing searches
for things that will stimulate me that are not quite so hard core,
for example erotic stories, pictures without videos. [Sensory
(visual), Fantasy, Suspense, Power]

4. This leads inevitably and fairly quickly to hard core sites. [Sensory (visual and
sound), Fantasy, Power]

5. I view the videos with headphones, and spend a long time
searching for more and more stimulaing videos, varying the categories
to include lesbian and anal [Suspense, Sensory (visual and sound)]

6. I start to masturbate. [Sensory (touch)]

7. I download some videos onto my computer for ease of access later
during this episode [Suspense, Power, Accomplishment]

8. I search for videos that I remember from previous episodes. There is also a tremendous
rush and anticipation at the prospect of finding new and exciting videos.
[Past, Suspense, Accomplishment]

9. I watch some of the saved videos again. I focus on high resolution videos,
and I watch some of the most stimulating scenes in slow motion or frame
by frame, over and over, to heighten the stimulation. I make sure not
to orgasm but keep myself close to the brink. I fantasize that I am taking
part in the sexual activity I am watching [Fantasy, Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Power,
Accomplishment]

10. Eventually it is time to quit, so I pick a favorite video
to use while I bring myself to orgasm. [Sensory (visual, sound,
touch), Orgasm, Power, Accomplishment]

11. I clean up and feel intense shame and failure and helplessness, lost and alone.
I delete everything from my computer. I promise myself never to
do it again. A part of me knows I will not be able to keep
this promise so I feel dishonest as well as despairing.


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 Post subject: Lesson 18
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:50 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Lesson 18
----------

Quote:
Consider one of your own compulsive rituals.
Identify circumstances when each of the three filters
(time, habituation and intensity) have come into play.
Make sure that you understand each filter to the point
where you are able to identify them as a ritual is
being performed. Post these personal examples in
your recovery thread.



Ritual of masturbation to pornography.

Habituation:
------------
In the past I used to get stimulated by looking
at pictures online. After a while this was not enough,
I moved on to looking at online videos. Eventually
I moved on again to masturbating while looking at videos.
Then I became used to vidoes and started to concentarate on certain
types of videos that I found more arousing (women with women, anal
sex, women rimming other women). At some point I focused on videos involving specific actresses.
Also low quality (resolution) videos were initially sufficient, later
I found I needed higher quality videos to achieve the same stimulation.
Also for my favorite videos, playing them at normal speed
was eventually not sufficient, I would play my favorite parts
over and over in slow motion and frame by frame to maximize my
stimulation. Also early on a short session of looking at videos
would be enough.
Later the sessions got longer and longer as it took longer
to find the videos that would stimulate me sufficiently.
Finally, the frequency of sessions would start at a couple of weeks
apart, and then get more frequent, up to once every several days,
until I would reach a crisis and stop completely for several months or
a year. This happened a few times.



Intensity:
----------
The intensity of my emotional response to the various stages
changed with time. If I had not acted out in a long time
any source of stimulation would be very intense. If I had acted out
recently I would need much more stimulation and stimulation
of specific types to get to the same level of intensity.
The most intense stimulation came from having an orgasm while
watching one of my favorite videos.

I maximized the intensity of the simulation by all the techniques
I talked about above, varying the content, resolution, playback speed, etc.
Downloading the videos so that I play them in different video players gave
me a sense of power and accomplishment. Once I tried out 3D porn to
try to increase the stimulation. I also sometimes uses a vibrator on my anus
as well as masturbating my penis to increase the overall intensity before
having an orgasm. Using lube also increased the intensity.

Time:
-----
Sometimes videos were so stimulating that I watched them
several times in succession, but more often after one watching
I would have reached the stimulation threshold for that video
and move on to search for others.
I did not reach any time thresholds associated with a session
of viewing pornography, there was always so much more out there
to stimulate me, usually I would stop because of external time
constraints or after having an orgasm.


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 Post subject: Lesson 19
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2018 12:40 pm 
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Posts: 93
Lesson 19
---------

Quote:
Instead, there is only a call to deepen your
awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in
your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for
all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy
and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are
engaging in them.



I went for a run yesterday, it was a healthy ritual,
I had a little time after work before I had to be home.
I felt anticipation at the emotional boost I would get from
the exercise, from being close to nature, and from enjoying
having some peaceful down time by myself.

Today I was feeling stressed and worried and came home to
work in my home office, but instead of working I had a snack
and watched some of my TV show on netflix. This was an escape,
a short term distraction from my feelings, but not a good longterm
solution. I have to deepen my awareness of the shortcomings of
short term solutions in my everyday life.

When lying in bed the other day I was tempted to think of old porn
scenes and to fantasize. However I was aware that the short term
stimultion would not be worth the cost and I switched my thougts
elsewhere.


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 Post subject: Lesson 20
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:26 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Quote:
Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has
played in your life to date. Look across your life span
and identify the progression of the addiction, the
sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling
of it. Look at the major transitions that you have
experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen;
prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager
through young adulthood; young adulthood through
adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you
have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving
to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify
the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually
developed into an addiction) played in helping you
through that time period.
Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just
how these patterns progressed from early sparks
(harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g.
addiction).



[Adapted from earlier post]

I was physically abused from my father from about the ages of
three to thirteen. I was terrified of him, anything could set him off.
I remember one evening when I was about 7 sitting
at home feeling relieved it was Sunday, because during the week
I would be at school and have less interaction with him.

I now realize that I didn't know back then that this abuse was wrong
and that I didn't deserve it. Instead, I internalized the fact
that I did deserve it, and I developed a low self-esteem.
Also I developed a tendancy and ability to have a secret internal
world; I would hide all my feelings and thoughts as a safety measure.
My father demanded absolute compliance, no dissent was tolerated.

Looking over the development of the addiction over the course of my
life, it seems to me that the addiction was not the result of
stresses and traumas later in life; instead it grew on fertile soil,
whenever there was opportunity for it to grow, spurred on by any mild
stresses and difficulties. I think the core aspects of my personality
that set the stage for the addiction were molded in my first decade,
by my father.

I remember being aware at a very young age of the shame
associated with nudity, before even knowing anything about sex.
I must have picked this up from my parents.
Shame became a central aspect of my addiction later.

I first masturbated during puberty, and first encountered
a pornographic magazine in my early teenage years. It did not
make a huge impression me a the time. However during my later
teenage years I remember seeking out sex manuals in bookstores,
and sex scenes in movies, for the thrill they would give me.
My first sexual relationship was in my teens, and did not have any
compulsive aspect I don't think; instead it was affirming and
positive. After that relationship ended I went through a period
where I was lonely and had low confidence, racked by self doubt.
During this time my addiction grew whenever there was opportunity,
for example I saw a pornographic movie in a hotel when I was interviewing
for a job. The thrill of pornography provided relief to
my sadness, loneliness and repressed anger. It touched a part of
me that was locked away, that nothing else could touch. But it also
contributed shame.

In my twenties the developing addiction receeded when I was in a very
intense relationship for a period. When that relationship
ended I knew immediately, with a sinking heart, that my relationship
with pornography would resume. It felt inevitable.
Later I started to rent adult videos and masturbate to them,
and to go occasionally to strip shows.

In my late twenties I moved to a distant city for a new job,
and the stress of starting over without a network of friends
contributed to an escalation of the addiction.
I eventually started seeing prostitutes, on several occasions.
One evening I noticed an add for a therapist specializing in sexual
addiction issues, and I knew therapy would help me, so I signed up.
I read several books that my therapist recommended, and
I finally learned about what I was up against, the nature of sexual
addiction. This knowledge and the therapy were helpful -- I stopped
seeing prostitutes -- but not enough. My addiction continued
through pornography use and fantasies and masturbation.
Acting out provided relief from emotional stresses, a temporary
escape from reality, a fix. It was enormously powerful.

One night when I was in my late twenties I realized that my addiciton
was preventing me from developing any serious relationships,
and that it was compromising and undermining my existing
relationships with friends and family members, including my parents.
I decided the price I was paying was just too high,
I vowed to give up pornography for good and threw away my collection
of pornographic videos.


Sometime later I met a wonderful woman
and starting dating her. I was too cowardly to tell her
about my addiction problems, telling myself that they had gone
away and would never come back. We dated for several years, and
the addiction did seem to be gone. Eventually we got married,
and later on the addiction returned, and I started using
pornography again, now on the internet. This continued intermittently
for several years, with periods of a year or two at a time
where I would manage to stop using porn, followed by inevitable
relapses. I felt enormous shame and self-loathing for doing this and
for keeping it secret from my wife. I felt trapped, unable to stop,
and unable to reveal my secrets for fear that it would cause
the end of my marriage.


Eventually I reached the point where I knew that the addiction
would slowly destroy my life if I did not stop it. I also
knew (because of repeated failures) that I was simply not able
to stop without confronting the addiction and telling my wife.
Finding the recoverynation website was an enormous help in this,
both in making me realize that I needed to tell her and in giving me
the courage to do so. Loosing my marriage was a risk I had to take;
the alternative would eventually destroy me and my marriage anyway.
So I told her. The disclosure was difficult for her and we had some
difficult times but she was supportive and did not leave. I continued
working through the revoverynation workshop and was successful
in keeping healthy. After several months I stopped working
at the lessons out of complacency, I thought I was fully recovered.

I was relatively healthy for two years, but then I eventually
relapsed and masturbated again, and despite efforts to get back
on track this led within a few months to pornography use again.
For the next two and a half years I was in a pattern of pornography
relapses followed by periods of struggles to stay health and to
recover. I have not shared these struggles with my wife (apart
from the initial episode of pornography use), again
for shame and for fear of what my disclosure would lead to.
I feel ashamed at having failed and having deceived my wife.


Right now I have been healthy for two months and am committed
to working through all the lessons again. I also plan to
disclose to my wife once I am further along in the process
and more solid in recovery.




Quote:
Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce.
Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a
child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another
child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different
situations that you will possibly face in the remaining
years of your life. Situations that could potentially
cause major instability to an otherwise balanced,
fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could
play in helping you to manage these times. What
would it feel like for addiction to come back into your
life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle
progression? What signs would you look for? What
actions would you take?


Considering these types of future events is scary for me.
I am not yet confident enough in my recovery or life management skills
to really know for sure that the addiction would not return.
Certainly it would be a serious danger. I think a key would
be for me to have people I could discuss my emotions and addictive
urges with, either my wife or someone else. It would be much harder
all on my own. Currently no one else knows about my addiction other
than my wife.


How could addiction help me in such future time? Maybe a little
my temporarily providing escape and distraction. However I think
any return to the addiction would of itself cause an enormous
despair and stress which might rival the original source of stress.
Having the addiction come back is the worst thing I can imagine.
It would make it so much harder to really believe that it can be
defeated and will not always be coming back.


Would it be a rapid collapse or subtle progression?
I don't know. Some of my relapses have been very rapid,
but in those I was not starting from a state of health.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:48 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 308
Hey SFH,

Just want to commend you for the honesty and effort you put into examining the lifespan of your addiction.
Quote:
Right now I have been healthy for two months and am committed
to working through all the lessons again.

That's great. As noted in your most recent entry for Lesson 1, I'm hopeful the commitment you refer to above extends beyond just the lessons but to yourself and health as well. Having read through all of your thread, this quote from Coach Jon came to mind. I'm curious if it will resonate with you as well:
Quote:
should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery. That's not to say that you are without sincere guilt or sorrow, or that a part of you doesn't want to change. That's natural, and one of the first obstacles to overcome. But the fact remains that you will never recover from addiction — ever — without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life.

As an additional observation, in time, many in recovery begin to measure to their recovery not in days abstained, but in benefits gained.

You don't have to answer this, but it could prove to be an interesting self query. What have you gained so far in your journey? How might your vision of health play into this?

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:01 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:09 pm
Posts: 93
Hi Anon,

Thank you for the feedback and encouragement.

Quote:
That's great. As noted in your most recent entry for Lesson 1, I'm hopeful the commitment you refer to above extends beyond just the lessons but to yourself and health as well.


I think previous times when I tried to work through the workshop, I did not try
enough to integrate it into my day to day life, this time I am making this
a focus. I'm also trying to focus my energies on the positive side, values and sources
of meaning, rather than just focussing on avoiding unhealthy behavior.

Quote:
Having read through all of your thread, this quote from Coach Jon came to mind. I'm curious if it will resonate with you as well:

should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery. That's not to say that you are without sincere guilt or sorrow, or that a part of you doesn't want to change. That's natural, and one of the first obstacles to overcome. But the fact remains that you will never recover from addiction — ever — without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life.


The quote does resonate with me, I have thought about it many times.
As far as I can tell I have the desire to eliminate addiction permanently from my life.
I'm not sure I can completely trust my perceptions of myself though,
since I thought this before when I failed.

What I can trust is what I can objectively measure, whether I am
following all the goals I set for myself on the road to recovery every day.

Quote:
As an additional observation, in time, many in recovery begin to measure to their recovery not in days abstained, but in benefits gained.

You don't have to answer this, but it could prove to be an interesting self query. What have you gained so far in your journey? How might your vision of health play into this?



I agree that duration of abstinence is not a good measure of health.

I've learned the importance of sources of value and meaning for my life,
and that I can counteract stresses and emotions that could cause me to act out
by reinforcing and leaning on those values, especially relationships.
I've learned that it is easy to get complacent and that if I am to succeed
I have to work hard at it in a genuine way every day, not just in the workshop
but in my day to day life. I've learned to measure the seriousness of boundary violations
not in any predetermined way but in terms of the emotional boost they produce.
I think there are probably many other important things in the workshop that I've not learned yet.
My vision of a healthy life includes refining and relying on my values
and being able to deal with stresses in a healthy and sustainable way.


Thanks again,
SFH


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 Post subject: Lesson 21
PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:03 pm 
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Posts: 93
Quote:
What large goals have you attempted in your life
and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?


I tried for many many years to overcome my addiction
and stop using pornography. Before this year I always eventually
failed. I now realized that I failed because I was trying
a method that is doomed to failure: burying the addiction,
keeping it a secret, trying to white-knuckle through the urges.
I read in many places that this method does not work, but I
had to learn this for myself the hard way before I was ready to try
a different method.

I was single for several years, I wanted to find a partner but
my self confidence was too low. My sexual addiction contribted
to this low self confidence.



Quote:
What large goals have you attempted in your life
and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to
succeed?


In my career I was sucessful in getting the kind of job I wanted.
I was sucessful in part because I am lucky enough to be talented
at what I do, and in part I worked very hard, probably too
hard, my life at that time was not very well balanced.

I convinced my wonderful girlfriend to marry me. I suceeded because
our relationship was the most important thing in my life,
my heart and soul were in it, I loved her.


Quote:
List one recovery goal that you have and break it
down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as
necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you
find this difficult, then you are probably starting off
with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.



I will use my prioritized values as a guide to living my life,
to help make my life more meaningful and fulfulling.
This will include:
- A weekly self monitoring where I revise my proactive action
plans associated with my top 15 values
- A daily self monitoring to reinforce my daily awareness and attention
to my top few values
- I will exercise every day and during the exercise I will
take the time to think about my values, sources of stress, and how
to organize my routines and plans to strengthen my values
- If I find myself slipping in these goals I will think hard about
what sources of stress or distractions is causing the slip and what
to do about it.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2018 6:31 pm 
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Posts: 93
I had a slip yesterday out of the blue and ended up looking at porn. It was a surprise
because I had thought I was doing well, I had underestimated the risk. Looking
back there were a few red flags that I can see now. I'm trying to learn as much as I
can about what went wrong that led to this slip so that I can stop it from happening again.
I'm working through Lessons 60 and 61 on preventing slips and relapses and how
to deal with them. I had become too complacent and I don't have all the skills I need yet.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:46 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 423
Hi SfH,

Quote:
I had a slip yesterday out of the blue and ended up looking at porn. It was a surprise
because I had thought I was doing well, I had underestimated the risk. Looking
back there were a few red flags that I can see now.

I would suggest that the important thing to do at this stage is to reflect on why it happened (it sounds like you have some ideas on that) and in particular how you feel having slipped. Presumably you have feelings of guilt and shame and I would recommend that you keep these feelings in your head. There is a natural tendency to ignore the anticipation of these feelings in advance of acting out as they would probably put us off acting out. These feelings arise because, after the event, you realise how your actions have violated your values. The whole workshop works toward helping your appreciate that point and how to understand the stages that lead up to acting out. You are about to enter a series of lessons that I am sure will really help you with this and in the meantime please keep the consequences of your recent actions fresh in your mind to carry you through this next phase. I suspect that your red flags probably revolve around frustration, anger, boredom or similar in relation to something, be aware that these are all "emotions" and that you should be on guard for this as emotions drive an SA to acting out in order to try and improve their emotional state. If you are alive to this then forewarned is forearmed.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:36 pm 
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Posts: 93
Dear learningtorun,

Thanks for your encouragement and feedback, it really helps.

Quote:
I would suggest that the important thing to do at this stage is to reflect on why it happened (it sounds like you have some ideas on that) and in particular how you feel having slipped.


Yes I have being doing a lot of this and have noticed some things I could have done that would have prevented me from relapsing.

Quote:
Presumably you have feelings of guilt and shame and I would recommend that you keep these feelings in your head. There is a natural tendency to ignore the anticipation of these feelings in advance of acting out as they would probably put us off acting out. These feelings arise because, after the event, you realise how your actions have violated your values. The whole workshop works toward helping your appreciate that point and how to understand the stages that lead up to acting out. You are about to enter a series of lessons that I am sure will really help you with this and in the meantime please keep the consequences of your recent actions fresh in your mind to carry you through this next phase. I suspect that your red flags probably revolve around frustration, anger, boredom or similar in relation to something, be aware that these are all "emotions" and that you should be on guard for this as emotions drive an SA to acting out in order to try and improve their emotional state. If you are alive to this then forewarned is forearmed.


Thanks for the tips, I am keeping a grip on my feelings of guilt and shame. It has also shaken my confidence
in my ability to permanently recover but I will learn from it and keep moving forwards.
I'll also watch out in the future for signs from my emotions that I am becoming more vulnerable.

SFH


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 Post subject: Lesson 22
PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:39 pm 
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Posts: 93
Lesson 22
----------



Ritual Measured: masturbation to pornography (recently)

Primary Elements Involved: Fantasy (imagery), Suspense, Sensory (visual),
Sensory (sound), Sensory (touch), Past, Orgasm, Accomplishment


Description:

1. I am working in my home office with nobody else in the house,
an opportunity.

2. Feelings of stress, shame or inadequacy are triggered by something
encounter in my work, or something I think of.
I feel an urge to act out and close my office door. I imagine
what I am about to do. [Fantasy, Suspense]

3. I do searches for stimulating hardcore porn videos. [Sensory (visual and
sound), Suspense, Fantasy, Power].

4. I view the videos with headphones, and spend a long time
searching for more and more stimulaing videos, varying the categories
to include lesbian and anal [Suspense, Sensory (visual and sound)]

5. I start to masturbate. [Sensory (touch)]

6. I search for videos that I remember from previous episodes. There is also a tremendous
rush and anticipation at the prospect of finding new and exciting videos.
[Past, Suspense, Accomplishment]

9. I watch some of the videos again. I focus on high resolution videos,
and I watch some of the most stimulating scenes in slow motion or frame
by frame, over and over, to heighten the stimulation. I make sure not
to orgasm but keep myself close to the brink. I fantasize that I am taking
part in the sexual activity I am watching [Fantasy, Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Power,
Accomplishment]

10. Eventually it is time to quit, so I pick a favorite video
to use while I bring myself to orgasm. [Sensory (visual, sound,
touch), Orgasm, Power, Accomplishment]

11. I clean up and feel intense shame and failure and helplessness, lost and alone and despairing.
I delete everything from my computer.




Values Assigned:

Fantasy (imagery): 1
Suspense: 2
Sensory (visual): 3
Sensory (sound): 2
Sensory (touch): 2
Past: 1
Power: 1
Orgasm: 1
Accomplishment: 1



Filters Applied:

Fantasy (imagery) : (Imagining I was participating in scenes, imaging
scenes are "real" instead of staged).

* Time: Fairly constant, some videos more amenable to fantasy than others. 7

* Intensity: Related to things like video resolution and how focused I have become.
Also related to the nature of the video, the type of actresses etc. 8

* Habituation: Having not watched porn for a few months, habituation was not very
significant, 7



Suspense:

* Time: Mostly anticipation, builds up until anticipated porn is viewed. 7

* Intensity: Related to memories of specific videos,
increases urge to act out, peak is 6

* Habituation: Many previous sessions have the effect that
I was used to the fantasy and anticipation, 4



Sensory (visual):

* Time: Builds up during session, more emotional charge
from several hour session than short session: 8

* Intenstiy: depends strongly on which video, varies. Peak 8

* Habituation: depends on how recently that video has been
seen. Combat habituation by searching for new videos and new
types. 7



Sensory (sound):

* Time: Builds up during session, more emotional charge
from several hour session than short session: 7

* Intenstiy: depends on which video, varies. Peak 5

* Habituation: depends on how recently that video has been
seen. Combat habituation by searching for new videos and new
types. 7



Sensory (touch):

* Time: can get sore after too much time. 6

* Intensity: 8

* Habituation: 5


Power: Feeling in control, able to select videos, determine amount of time,
control setting, select when to orgasm, determine when to delay orgasm
to maximize overall stimulation

* Time: builds up during session then fades away, 4

* Intensity: 7

* Habituation: not much habituation in a one hour session after a few months of no porn. 7


Past:

* Time: does not depend much on time 5

* Intensity: 4

* Habituation: 5


Orgasm:

* Time: occurs sponteneously, leaves spontaneously, no control
over length of orgasm 1

* Intensity: increases overall intensity of urge 8

* Habituation: no real effect 5


Accomplishment:

* Time: 5

* Intensity: Increases overall intensity of urge, 6

* Habituation: no real effect 6



Total Score:
-------------
Fantasy: 1*(7+8+7)/9 = 2.4
Suspense: 2*(7+6+4)/9= 3.8
Sensory (visual): 3*(8+8+7)/9 = 7.6
Sensory (sound): 2*(7+5+7)/9 = 4.2
Sensory (touch): 2*(6+8+5)/9 = 4.2
Power: 1*(4+7+7)/9= 2.0
Past: 1*(5+4+5)/9 = 1.6
Orgasm: 1*(1+8+1)/9 = 1.1
Accomplishment: 1*(5+6+1)/9 = 1.3
--------
28.2


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