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| StrivingForHealth's recovery thread http://recoverynation.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=21121 |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Sun Sep 23, 2018 10:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 14 |
My Health Monitoring Plan 1. Did I plan out my day at the start of the day to have some personal time, exercise time and time to work on the workshop? 2. Did I engage in recovery work and personal growth today (recovery nation, journal). If not how many days has it been? 3. Did I devote any time to improving my spiritual health today, (quite time to myself to think, get in touch with my emotional state, keep track of triggers, perhaps listen to music, be in contact with nature)? If not how many days has it been? 4 . Did I play any music to relax today? How long has it been? 5. Did I take care of my body and health today? Get to bed early, get some exercise, not eat sugary food? 6. Did I engage in any compulsive (objectification, scanning, fantasy) behavior today? Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual? Did I identify external or internal triggers? 7. Did I restrict my behaviors today to those I am completely comfortable in seeing through my wifes eyes? Did I stay away from using deception to avoid taking responsibility? 8. Did I carefully organize my time at work to be responsible and effective, following a weekly plan? 9. Did I spend any time today working on connecting with my daughter, figuring out her school activities, making time to spend with her? 10. Did I interact with or contact someone important to me beyond my immediate family (extended family, friends) in person, via email or phone? If not, how many days has it been? 11. Did I spend my free time in construtive and value enhancing ways rather than escapism (eg watching amazon prime, reading online news)? 12. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment? Do I need to take any action to rebalance myself? |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Tue Sep 25, 2018 9:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 15 |
Lesson 15: Example of integration of something I have learned into my everyday life: When I feel a strong urge to scan and ogle a woman a see walking on the street, I now try hard to identify a source of stress or strong emotion in what I was thinking about shortly beforehand. Usually if I can identify the source of stress, the urge to scan dissipates. I am playing a little music every day to help strengthen that value in my life. It helps to calm my mood and I derive fulfillment from it in a low key way. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:19 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 15 |
More on Lesson 15: Quote: Whether you struggle with compulsive behaviors associated with sex and/or love, take some time to think of how these behaviors were introduced into your life. Any glimple of sex produced a thrill and shame. Porn magazine, movie scenes, scenes in books. I picked up the shame/censorship of my father at a very early age, before my first girlfriend. Early on I had a secret inner life of stimulation and shame. Quote: Think of how they developed into destructive (or potentially destructive) behaviors. I grew to rely on them more and more due to innate low self esteem and life circumstances, break-ups, lack of friends, new cities. Quote: What were some of the key "introductions" of new values that you associated with this behavior? Things like significant relationships, traumatic or stressful events and personal insights that affect the development (for the good or the bad) of your values should be considered. When I was young I was lonely and insecure. I used to go to bookstores to read the sex scenes in books on the shelves as a comfort. I rented my first porn movie while I was depressed over a breakup, and living far away from home. Once I started there was no going back, I rented porn regularly for several years. After another traumatic breakup I had sex with a prostitute, which I repeated a few times before stopping and starting to see a therapist about my growing addiction. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:55 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 16 |
Quote: Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction — to begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than as some kind of supernatural fate or disease that you are doomed to suffer. During times where I felt inadequacy or shame, acting out by watching porn or masturbating has caused those feelings to temporarily go away. Similarly for feelings of stress caused by worry about the future, worry about my marriage, worry about my career, or loneliness. Acting out acted as a temporary escape. There is an excitement, a rush, a feeling of anticipation. During acting out I have felt a very intense high, almost ecstasy, a trance like state, this blots out other thoughts and feelings and memories. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:16 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 17 |
Lesson 17 ---------- Quote: Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. A ritual I have engaged in is masturbating to pornography in my home office. 1. I am working in my home office with nobody else in the house, an opportunity. 2. Feelings of stress, shame or inadequacy are triggered by something I encounter in my work. I feel an urge to act out and close my office door. I imagine what I am about to do. [Fantasy, Suspense] 3. I decieve myself that I am resisting by not going immediately to hard porn sites but instead doing searches for things that will stimulate me that are not quite so hard core, for example erotic stories, pictures without videos. [Sensory (visual), Fantasy, Suspense, Power] 4. This leads inevitably and fairly quickly to hard core sites. [Sensory (visual and sound), Fantasy, Power] 5. I view the videos with headphones, and spend a long time searching for more and more stimulaing videos, varying the categories to include lesbian and anal [Suspense, Sensory (visual and sound)] 6. I start to masturbate. [Sensory (touch)] 7. I download some videos onto my computer for ease of access later during this episode [Suspense, Power, Accomplishment] 8. I search for videos that I remember from previous episodes. There is also a tremendous rush and anticipation at the prospect of finding new and exciting videos. [Past, Suspense, Accomplishment] 9. I watch some of the saved videos again. I focus on high resolution videos, and I watch some of the most stimulating scenes in slow motion or frame by frame, over and over, to heighten the stimulation. I make sure not to orgasm but keep myself close to the brink. I fantasize that I am taking part in the sexual activity I am watching [Fantasy, Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Power, Accomplishment] 10. Eventually it is time to quit, so I pick a favorite video to use while I bring myself to orgasm. [Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Orgasm, Power, Accomplishment] 11. I clean up and feel intense shame and failure and helplessness, lost and alone. I delete everything from my computer. I promise myself never to do it again. A part of me knows I will not be able to keep this promise so I feel dishonest as well as despairing. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 18 |
Lesson 18 ---------- Quote: Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread. Ritual of masturbation to pornography. Habituation: ------------ In the past I used to get stimulated by looking at pictures online. After a while this was not enough, I moved on to looking at online videos. Eventually I moved on again to masturbating while looking at videos. Then I became used to vidoes and started to concentarate on certain types of videos that I found more arousing (women with women, anal sex, women rimming other women). At some point I focused on videos involving specific actresses. Also low quality (resolution) videos were initially sufficient, later I found I needed higher quality videos to achieve the same stimulation. Also for my favorite videos, playing them at normal speed was eventually not sufficient, I would play my favorite parts over and over in slow motion and frame by frame to maximize my stimulation. Also early on a short session of looking at videos would be enough. Later the sessions got longer and longer as it took longer to find the videos that would stimulate me sufficiently. Finally, the frequency of sessions would start at a couple of weeks apart, and then get more frequent, up to once every several days, until I would reach a crisis and stop completely for several months or a year. This happened a few times. Intensity: ---------- The intensity of my emotional response to the various stages changed with time. If I had not acted out in a long time any source of stimulation would be very intense. If I had acted out recently I would need much more stimulation and stimulation of specific types to get to the same level of intensity. The most intense stimulation came from having an orgasm while watching one of my favorite videos. I maximized the intensity of the simulation by all the techniques I talked about above, varying the content, resolution, playback speed, etc. Downloading the videos so that I play them in different video players gave me a sense of power and accomplishment. Once I tried out 3D porn to try to increase the stimulation. I also sometimes uses a vibrator on my anus as well as masturbating my penis to increase the overall intensity before having an orgasm. Using lube also increased the intensity. Time: ----- Sometimes videos were so stimulating that I watched them several times in succession, but more often after one watching I would have reached the stimulation threshold for that video and move on to search for others. I did not reach any time thresholds associated with a session of viewing pornography, there was always so much more out there to stimulate me, usually I would stop because of external time constraints or after having an orgasm. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Thu Oct 04, 2018 12:40 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 19 |
Lesson 19 --------- Quote: Instead, there is only a call to deepen your awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are engaging in them. I went for a run yesterday, it was a healthy ritual, I had a little time after work before I had to be home. I felt anticipation at the emotional boost I would get from the exercise, from being close to nature, and from enjoying having some peaceful down time by myself. Today I was feeling stressed and worried and came home to work in my home office, but instead of working I had a snack and watched some of my TV show on netflix. This was an escape, a short term distraction from my feelings, but not a good longterm solution. I have to deepen my awareness of the shortcomings of short term solutions in my everyday life. When lying in bed the other day I was tempted to think of old porn scenes and to fantasize. However I was aware that the short term stimultion would not be worth the cost and I switched my thougts elsewhere. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:26 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 20 |
Quote: Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period. Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction). [Adapted from earlier post] I was physically abused from my father from about the ages of three to thirteen. I was terrified of him, anything could set him off. I remember one evening when I was about 7 sitting at home feeling relieved it was Sunday, because during the week I would be at school and have less interaction with him. I now realize that I didn't know back then that this abuse was wrong and that I didn't deserve it. Instead, I internalized the fact that I did deserve it, and I developed a low self-esteem. Also I developed a tendancy and ability to have a secret internal world; I would hide all my feelings and thoughts as a safety measure. My father demanded absolute compliance, no dissent was tolerated. Looking over the development of the addiction over the course of my life, it seems to me that the addiction was not the result of stresses and traumas later in life; instead it grew on fertile soil, whenever there was opportunity for it to grow, spurred on by any mild stresses and difficulties. I think the core aspects of my personality that set the stage for the addiction were molded in my first decade, by my father. I remember being aware at a very young age of the shame associated with nudity, before even knowing anything about sex. I must have picked this up from my parents. Shame became a central aspect of my addiction later. I first masturbated during puberty, and first encountered a pornographic magazine in my early teenage years. It did not make a huge impression me a the time. However during my later teenage years I remember seeking out sex manuals in bookstores, and sex scenes in movies, for the thrill they would give me. My first sexual relationship was in my teens, and did not have any compulsive aspect I don't think; instead it was affirming and positive. After that relationship ended I went through a period where I was lonely and had low confidence, racked by self doubt. During this time my addiction grew whenever there was opportunity, for example I saw a pornographic movie in a hotel when I was interviewing for a job. The thrill of pornography provided relief to my sadness, loneliness and repressed anger. It touched a part of me that was locked away, that nothing else could touch. But it also contributed shame. In my twenties the developing addiction receeded when I was in a very intense relationship for a period. When that relationship ended I knew immediately, with a sinking heart, that my relationship with pornography would resume. It felt inevitable. Later I started to rent adult videos and masturbate to them, and to go occasionally to strip shows. In my late twenties I moved to a distant city for a new job, and the stress of starting over without a network of friends contributed to an escalation of the addiction. I eventually started seeing prostitutes, on several occasions. One evening I noticed an add for a therapist specializing in sexual addiction issues, and I knew therapy would help me, so I signed up. I read several books that my therapist recommended, and I finally learned about what I was up against, the nature of sexual addiction. This knowledge and the therapy were helpful -- I stopped seeing prostitutes -- but not enough. My addiction continued through pornography use and fantasies and masturbation. Acting out provided relief from emotional stresses, a temporary escape from reality, a fix. It was enormously powerful. One night when I was in my late twenties I realized that my addiciton was preventing me from developing any serious relationships, and that it was compromising and undermining my existing relationships with friends and family members, including my parents. I decided the price I was paying was just too high, I vowed to give up pornography for good and threw away my collection of pornographic videos. Sometime later I met a wonderful woman and starting dating her. I was too cowardly to tell her about my addiction problems, telling myself that they had gone away and would never come back. We dated for several years, and the addiction did seem to be gone. Eventually we got married, and later on the addiction returned, and I started using pornography again, now on the internet. This continued intermittently for several years, with periods of a year or two at a time where I would manage to stop using porn, followed by inevitable relapses. I felt enormous shame and self-loathing for doing this and for keeping it secret from my wife. I felt trapped, unable to stop, and unable to reveal my secrets for fear that it would cause the end of my marriage. Eventually I reached the point where I knew that the addiction would slowly destroy my life if I did not stop it. I also knew (because of repeated failures) that I was simply not able to stop without confronting the addiction and telling my wife. Finding the recoverynation website was an enormous help in this, both in making me realize that I needed to tell her and in giving me the courage to do so. Loosing my marriage was a risk I had to take; the alternative would eventually destroy me and my marriage anyway. So I told her. The disclosure was difficult for her and we had some difficult times but she was supportive and did not leave. I continued working through the revoverynation workshop and was successful in keeping healthy. After several months I stopped working at the lessons out of complacency, I thought I was fully recovered. I was relatively healthy for two years, but then I eventually relapsed and masturbated again, and despite efforts to get back on track this led within a few months to pornography use again. For the next two and a half years I was in a pattern of pornography relapses followed by periods of struggles to stay health and to recover. I have not shared these struggles with my wife (apart from the initial episode of pornography use), again for shame and for fear of what my disclosure would lead to. I feel ashamed at having failed and having deceived my wife. Right now I have been healthy for two months and am committed to working through all the lessons again. I also plan to disclose to my wife once I am further along in the process and more solid in recovery. Quote: Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take? Considering these types of future events is scary for me. I am not yet confident enough in my recovery or life management skills to really know for sure that the addiction would not return. Certainly it would be a serious danger. I think a key would be for me to have people I could discuss my emotions and addictive urges with, either my wife or someone else. It would be much harder all on my own. Currently no one else knows about my addiction other than my wife. How could addiction help me in such future time? Maybe a little my temporarily providing escape and distraction. However I think any return to the addiction would of itself cause an enormous despair and stress which might rival the original source of stress. Having the addiction come back is the worst thing I can imagine. It would make it so much harder to really believe that it can be defeated and will not always be coming back. Would it be a rapid collapse or subtle progression? I don't know. Some of my relapses have been very rapid, but in those I was not starting from a state of health. |
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| Author: | anon523 [ Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:48 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: StrivingForHealth's recovery thread |
Hey SFH, Just want to commend you for the honesty and effort you put into examining the lifespan of your addiction. Quote: Right now I have been healthy for two months and am committed to working through all the lessons again. That's great. As noted in your most recent entry for Lesson 1, I'm hopeful the commitment you refer to above extends beyond just the lessons but to yourself and health as well. Having read through all of your thread, this quote from Coach Jon came to mind. I'm curious if it will resonate with you as well: Quote: should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery. That's not to say that you are without sincere guilt or sorrow, or that a part of you doesn't want to change. That's natural, and one of the first obstacles to overcome. But the fact remains that you will never recover from addiction — ever — without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life. As an additional observation, in time, many in recovery begin to measure to their recovery not in days abstained, but in benefits gained. You don't have to answer this, but it could prove to be an interesting self query. What have you gained so far in your journey? How might your vision of health play into this? Be Well, Anon |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:01 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: StrivingForHealth's recovery thread |
Hi Anon, Thank you for the feedback and encouragement. Quote: That's great. As noted in your most recent entry for Lesson 1, I'm hopeful the commitment you refer to above extends beyond just the lessons but to yourself and health as well. I think previous times when I tried to work through the workshop, I did not try enough to integrate it into my day to day life, this time I am making this a focus. I'm also trying to focus my energies on the positive side, values and sources of meaning, rather than just focussing on avoiding unhealthy behavior. Quote: Having read through all of your thread, this quote from Coach Jon came to mind. I'm curious if it will resonate with you as well: should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery. That's not to say that you are without sincere guilt or sorrow, or that a part of you doesn't want to change. That's natural, and one of the first obstacles to overcome. But the fact remains that you will never recover from addiction — ever — without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life. The quote does resonate with me, I have thought about it many times. As far as I can tell I have the desire to eliminate addiction permanently from my life. I'm not sure I can completely trust my perceptions of myself though, since I thought this before when I failed. What I can trust is what I can objectively measure, whether I am following all the goals I set for myself on the road to recovery every day. Quote: As an additional observation, in time, many in recovery begin to measure to their recovery not in days abstained, but in benefits gained. You don't have to answer this, but it could prove to be an interesting self query. What have you gained so far in your journey? How might your vision of health play into this? I agree that duration of abstinence is not a good measure of health. I've learned the importance of sources of value and meaning for my life, and that I can counteract stresses and emotions that could cause me to act out by reinforcing and leaning on those values, especially relationships. I've learned that it is easy to get complacent and that if I am to succeed I have to work hard at it in a genuine way every day, not just in the workshop but in my day to day life. I've learned to measure the seriousness of boundary violations not in any predetermined way but in terms of the emotional boost they produce. I think there are probably many other important things in the workshop that I've not learned yet. My vision of a healthy life includes refining and relying on my values and being able to deal with stresses in a healthy and sustainable way. Thanks again, SFH |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:03 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 21 |
Quote: What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed? I tried for many many years to overcome my addiction and stop using pornography. Before this year I always eventually failed. I now realized that I failed because I was trying a method that is doomed to failure: burying the addiction, keeping it a secret, trying to white-knuckle through the urges. I read in many places that this method does not work, but I had to learn this for myself the hard way before I was ready to try a different method. I was single for several years, I wanted to find a partner but my self confidence was too low. My sexual addiction contribted to this low self confidence. Quote: What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed? In my career I was sucessful in getting the kind of job I wanted. I was sucessful in part because I am lucky enough to be talented at what I do, and in part I worked very hard, probably too hard, my life at that time was not very well balanced. I convinced my wonderful girlfriend to marry me. I suceeded because our relationship was the most important thing in my life, my heart and soul were in it, I loved her. Quote: List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific. I will use my prioritized values as a guide to living my life, to help make my life more meaningful and fulfulling. This will include: - A weekly self monitoring where I revise my proactive action plans associated with my top 15 values - A daily self monitoring to reinforce my daily awareness and attention to my top few values - I will exercise every day and during the exercise I will take the time to think about my values, sources of stress, and how to organize my routines and plans to strengthen my values - If I find myself slipping in these goals I will think hard about what sources of stress or distractions is causing the slip and what to do about it. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Sun Oct 14, 2018 6:31 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: StrivingForHealth's recovery thread |
I had a slip yesterday out of the blue and ended up looking at porn. It was a surprise because I had thought I was doing well, I had underestimated the risk. Looking back there were a few red flags that I can see now. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about what went wrong that led to this slip so that I can stop it from happening again. I'm working through Lessons 60 and 61 on preventing slips and relapses and how to deal with them. I had become too complacent and I don't have all the skills I need yet. |
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| Author: | learningtorun [ Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:46 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: StrivingForHealth's recovery thread |
Hi SfH, Quote: I had a slip yesterday out of the blue and ended up looking at porn. It was a surprise because I had thought I was doing well, I had underestimated the risk. Looking back there were a few red flags that I can see now. I would suggest that the important thing to do at this stage is to reflect on why it happened (it sounds like you have some ideas on that) and in particular how you feel having slipped. Presumably you have feelings of guilt and shame and I would recommend that you keep these feelings in your head. There is a natural tendency to ignore the anticipation of these feelings in advance of acting out as they would probably put us off acting out. These feelings arise because, after the event, you realise how your actions have violated your values. The whole workshop works toward helping your appreciate that point and how to understand the stages that lead up to acting out. You are about to enter a series of lessons that I am sure will really help you with this and in the meantime please keep the consequences of your recent actions fresh in your mind to carry you through this next phase. I suspect that your red flags probably revolve around frustration, anger, boredom or similar in relation to something, be aware that these are all "emotions" and that you should be on guard for this as emotions drive an SA to acting out in order to try and improve their emotional state. If you are alive to this then forewarned is forearmed. |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: StrivingForHealth's recovery thread |
Dear learningtorun, Thanks for your encouragement and feedback, it really helps. Quote: I would suggest that the important thing to do at this stage is to reflect on why it happened (it sounds like you have some ideas on that) and in particular how you feel having slipped. Yes I have being doing a lot of this and have noticed some things I could have done that would have prevented me from relapsing. Quote: Presumably you have feelings of guilt and shame and I would recommend that you keep these feelings in your head. There is a natural tendency to ignore the anticipation of these feelings in advance of acting out as they would probably put us off acting out. These feelings arise because, after the event, you realise how your actions have violated your values. The whole workshop works toward helping your appreciate that point and how to understand the stages that lead up to acting out. You are about to enter a series of lessons that I am sure will really help you with this and in the meantime please keep the consequences of your recent actions fresh in your mind to carry you through this next phase. I suspect that your red flags probably revolve around frustration, anger, boredom or similar in relation to something, be aware that these are all "emotions" and that you should be on guard for this as emotions drive an SA to acting out in order to try and improve their emotional state. If you are alive to this then forewarned is forearmed. Thanks for the tips, I am keeping a grip on my feelings of guilt and shame. It has also shaken my confidence in my ability to permanently recover but I will learn from it and keep moving forwards. I'll also watch out in the future for signs from my emotions that I am becoming more vulnerable. SFH |
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| Author: | StrivingForHealth [ Thu Oct 18, 2018 1:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lesson 22 |
Lesson 22 ---------- Ritual Measured: masturbation to pornography (recently) Primary Elements Involved: Fantasy (imagery), Suspense, Sensory (visual), Sensory (sound), Sensory (touch), Past, Orgasm, Accomplishment Description: 1. I am working in my home office with nobody else in the house, an opportunity. 2. Feelings of stress, shame or inadequacy are triggered by something encounter in my work, or something I think of. I feel an urge to act out and close my office door. I imagine what I am about to do. [Fantasy, Suspense] 3. I do searches for stimulating hardcore porn videos. [Sensory (visual and sound), Suspense, Fantasy, Power]. 4. I view the videos with headphones, and spend a long time searching for more and more stimulaing videos, varying the categories to include lesbian and anal [Suspense, Sensory (visual and sound)] 5. I start to masturbate. [Sensory (touch)] 6. I search for videos that I remember from previous episodes. There is also a tremendous rush and anticipation at the prospect of finding new and exciting videos. [Past, Suspense, Accomplishment] 9. I watch some of the videos again. I focus on high resolution videos, and I watch some of the most stimulating scenes in slow motion or frame by frame, over and over, to heighten the stimulation. I make sure not to orgasm but keep myself close to the brink. I fantasize that I am taking part in the sexual activity I am watching [Fantasy, Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Power, Accomplishment] 10. Eventually it is time to quit, so I pick a favorite video to use while I bring myself to orgasm. [Sensory (visual, sound, touch), Orgasm, Power, Accomplishment] 11. I clean up and feel intense shame and failure and helplessness, lost and alone and despairing. I delete everything from my computer. Values Assigned: Fantasy (imagery): 1 Suspense: 2 Sensory (visual): 3 Sensory (sound): 2 Sensory (touch): 2 Past: 1 Power: 1 Orgasm: 1 Accomplishment: 1 Filters Applied: Fantasy (imagery) : (Imagining I was participating in scenes, imaging scenes are "real" instead of staged). * Time: Fairly constant, some videos more amenable to fantasy than others. 7 * Intensity: Related to things like video resolution and how focused I have become. Also related to the nature of the video, the type of actresses etc. 8 * Habituation: Having not watched porn for a few months, habituation was not very significant, 7 Suspense: * Time: Mostly anticipation, builds up until anticipated porn is viewed. 7 * Intensity: Related to memories of specific videos, increases urge to act out, peak is 6 * Habituation: Many previous sessions have the effect that I was used to the fantasy and anticipation, 4 Sensory (visual): * Time: Builds up during session, more emotional charge from several hour session than short session: 8 * Intenstiy: depends strongly on which video, varies. Peak 8 * Habituation: depends on how recently that video has been seen. Combat habituation by searching for new videos and new types. 7 Sensory (sound): * Time: Builds up during session, more emotional charge from several hour session than short session: 7 * Intenstiy: depends on which video, varies. Peak 5 * Habituation: depends on how recently that video has been seen. Combat habituation by searching for new videos and new types. 7 Sensory (touch): * Time: can get sore after too much time. 6 * Intensity: 8 * Habituation: 5 Power: Feeling in control, able to select videos, determine amount of time, control setting, select when to orgasm, determine when to delay orgasm to maximize overall stimulation * Time: builds up during session then fades away, 4 * Intensity: 7 * Habituation: not much habituation in a one hour session after a few months of no porn. 7 Past: * Time: does not depend much on time 5 * Intensity: 4 * Habituation: 5 Orgasm: * Time: occurs sponteneously, leaves spontaneously, no control over length of orgasm 1 * Intensity: increases overall intensity of urge 8 * Habituation: no real effect 5 Accomplishment: * Time: 5 * Intensity: Increases overall intensity of urge, 6 * Habituation: no real effect 6 Total Score: ------------- Fantasy: 1*(7+8+7)/9 = 2.4 Suspense: 2*(7+6+4)/9= 3.8 Sensory (visual): 3*(8+8+7)/9 = 7.6 Sensory (sound): 2*(7+5+7)/9 = 4.2 Sensory (touch): 2*(6+8+5)/9 = 4.2 Power: 1*(4+7+7)/9= 2.0 Past: 1*(5+4+5)/9 = 1.6 Orgasm: 1*(1+8+1)/9 = 1.1 Accomplishment: 1*(5+6+1)/9 = 1.3 -------- 28.2 |
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