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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:44 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
My answers to lesson one. Why I don't want to use P.
I want to be happy more than I want to suffer.
I want to;- be able to paint.
To Relax. be able to love my self and others.
To be connected to others.
Deeply connected.
Be content.
to be compassionate to my self and others.
to be incontrol of my life and decisions.
to be free from contact with the legal system.
healthy not hungover.
belonging to my community, friends, collegues.
be able to love my partner.
free from using other people with(the relief that brings.)
To see others as fully human.(not just for what they can provide for me.)
To be able to feel pain, sadness dissapointmnent, joy, discovery etc all emotions fully)
be proud of my self.
be proud of my contribution to my community.
to grow.
be able to take care of my self as an mature and skillful person.
to be independent and dependent as needed.
to face and solve every day problems.
be assertive.
use my varied skills.
to wake up relaxed and optimistic.
to sleep deeply and healthily
be normal.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 3:08 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hey Green Leaves
and welcome to RN
some good reasons for wanting to change
generally positive and generally about you
good start keep it up

if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: lesson 2
PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 9:59 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
LESSON 2 EXERCISE A
I am posting work that I did three months ago. My reluctance to post is my resitence to recovery.I have had a big slip recently which has shaken me. I have spoken seriously with my wife, who has been very supportive. I have seen a councellor for an introductory session and i will begin regular sessions in three weeks time. I want to overcome my addiction and be healthy.

This has been difficult to put into words. It’s not about activities, what I will do as much as who I am and who I want to become. I want to be authentic, and honest with myself and others I have tended to cut myself off from myself and other people at times I don’t want to be a people pleaser, as I can tend to be, or a perfectionist. Trying to be a perfectionist is impossible and crucifies me. I want to be able to be intimate, close to others and to myself. To accept I need people. But being fully responsible for myself and making the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to have a successful life not an addicted one
Who I want to become
I don’t want to reject who I am at present. I accept that I can feel, weak, scared, fallible, at times. I want to be open as much as I can be, and certainly honest. Keeping the channels open, both ways towards myself and towards others. Not withdrawing (too much?) when the going gets tough, when I feel stressed. Not avoiding difficult tasks or feelings. Not compulsively caring for others (if that is what I do ?) Being responsive to others but not at the expense of my own needs.
This means pulling my weight, doing tasks that I find unpleasant, scary, or difficult awkward or gruelling, not leaving them to my wife., Things that I don’t want to do. For example, pay bills, plan for the future, the drudgery, taking responsibility to find friends, to reach out for the fun in my life. Not just piggy backing onto others plans.
Learn to have friendships that nourish me stimulate and support. I want to be honest, tactful and assertive when I do not want to do something, getting my hands dirty. To not loose myself or repress myself. To have compassion for my weakness, vulnerability. To have a regular spiritual practice. and perhaps find a spiritual community that I find compatible.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:36 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
Again I have written this a few months ago and am only now posting it.I hope this is my having more commitment and being more organised.I am feeling anxious about how tough the "road" ahead is, but I am trying relaxation excercises and doing activities such as painting, seeing friends, even gardening ( a new interest)
LESSON THREE
EXCERCISES
MY VALUES
I want to strengthen my assertiveness
I want to be honest
I want to strengthen my spiritual practice
I want to strengthen my ability to have fun and lighten up about life
I want to act to do good in the world
To be kind and supportive to my wife, friends, and relatives and wider community.
I want to be kind to my self
I want to become more accurately aware of my needs and seek to have them satisfied in a healthy way.
I want to honestly keep sight of my needs and not loose my awareness in compulsively caring for others.
I want to strengthen my ability to make and maintain friendships.
I want to manage the change in my career. Deciding on a new path.
(i.e. find a new meaning for my life/existence)
to be a good grandfather, and teach and nurture my grand daughter.
to enjoy being with my grand daughter
to enjoy being rather than doing
I want to be a good role model that I can be proud of, for all my young relatives.( son, nephew, brother etc)
I want to not judge myself only by what I accomplish.
I want to accept myself ( all of my self ?) including the negative side ?
I want to be authentic and honest with myself and others
I want to maintain a connection with others at a time I’m stressed.( and myself) Keep the channels open to my self and others. This includes not trying to cope by my self (in secret) or in isolation as (this is shame based.)
I want to eat more healthily
I want to take good care of my physical health.
I want to support my wife in keeping herself physically well.
I want to develop my self respect.
I want to be reliable and not waste my emotional energy.
I want to be able to relax.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:04 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
I want to say a few things to you, which I hope will encourage you to return and make a more consistent effort.

You have been a member ince May, and you have made three posts. You know, and you demonstrate by your tone that this level of action will not do, that it is not in your best interest. I want to encourage you to do the following things:

1. Create specific schedule for your work here on RN. If you can commit to two or three times a week, and make those visits here at the same time, you will create for yourself a positive habit of interaction with the lessons. Eventually this habbit will push you forward into a place where you are learning better habits and skills to deal with your addictions and the problems they cause.

2. Participate on the forum. Read the questions, answer questions with your experiences, and ask questions, too. Participation leads to understanding you are not the only one going through the difficulties you face. Also, by helping others by offering your thoughts, you are going to clarify your own understanding all the better and apply it to your own recovery. Being a member ofthe community helps everyone.

3. Work on your recovery on a different level than just RN. Whether that is read books on addiction and the chaos addiction creates, or it's getting counseling, or whatever, by looking at your addiction through other means, you will be able to see so much more---the myopia will fade, and you will be able to see what can work for you in some very good ways.

Your work needsto be genuine, and you need to commit to a change. I hope you can do that her on RN because trying to deal with your addictions on your own is difficult and not necessary.

Please stick around and give yourself the best chance possible.

Sandalwood


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:55 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
LESSON FOUR 29/07/13
PRIORITIZED LIST OF MY VALUES
1 To strengthen my relationship with my wife Susan.
2 To be honest with my self and others.
3 I want to strengthen my ability to make an maintain friendships.
4 I want to strengthen my relationship with my son Michael.
5 I want to be a good grandfather to my granddaughter Mia.
6 I want to be a good role model for my family and community.
7 I want to be able to love my family and friends and other people.
8 I want to share my true self with my family, friends and community.
9 I want to be playful.
10. I want to strengthen my ability to use my own initiative.
11 I want to be responsible for myself, and my life.
12 I want to express my spirituality in my daily life.
13 I want to be loved by my family and friends.
14 I want to be respected by my friends and community.
15 I want to love my family, friends, and community, and world.
16 I want to keep the channels open to others when I am feeling, stressed, vulnerable, or weak.
17. I want to develop my emotional maturity.
18 I want to be creative.
19 I want to ease up on myself and lighten up about life.
20 I want to be compassionate and accepting of myself.
21 I want to be able to relax (and enjoy my life)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:30 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
Hello and thanks Sandalwood. I am taking seriously what you have said. A routine to do the lessons is a good idea. I think you are right i need to commit to this community and the work.I will be seeing a counsellor soon. I have seen one in the past. This helped but prehaps I did not tackle the addiction directly enough.I have more time now, since retiring from work and as you noticed from the tone of my posts, my recovery is my priority. I know that trying to recover on my bown is not a good idea.Thanks again. Green leaves.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:13 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
I have had trouble reducing the list to 15. The list has grown.But they are more honest and important to me.
LESSON FOUR PRIORITIZED LIST OF MY VALUES

1 To strengthen my relationship with my wife Susan.
2 I don’t want to hurt my wife emotionally. or other members of my family and friends by my addictive behaviour.
3)To be honest with my self and others.
4)I want to strengthen my ability to make and maintain friendships.
5) I want to strengthen my relationship with my son.
6)I want to develop a relationship with a friend who I can confide in.
7) I want to be a good grandfather to my granddaughter
8) I want to be more open in my sexual relationship with my wife. So that I enjoy it more and I don’t worry about my performance.
9) I want to be heard in my relationships. Not to be passive or build resentments.
10I want to be able to love my family and friends and other people.
11 I want to share my true self with my family, friends and community.
12 I want to be playful.
13)I want to make my needs a priority. (that does not mean being selfish, but not loosing sight of what I need and taking steps to have my needs met. (e.g for me to find stimulating activities)
14)I want to have a healthy life not an addictive one.
15) I want to strengthen my ability to use my own initiative.
16)I want to be responsible for myself, my decisions and my life.
17) I want to express my spirituality in my daily life.
18 I want to be loved by my family and friends.
19 I want to be respected by my friends and community.
20 I want to keep the channels open to others especially when I am feeling, stressed, vulnerable, or weak, but at other times to.
21. I want to develop my emotional maturity.
22 I want to be creative.
23I want to be compassionate and accepting of myself.
24 I want to be able to relax and enjoy my life


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 9:13 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
hello greenleaves and welcome to RN
first please hit the reply and not the new topic key when posting
this will keep all of your posts in one thread making it easier for you to refer back and for coaches and mentors to follw , as occasionally you might need a pat on the back or a poke in the eye
talking of which that is what I an doing now
you seem not to be able to get out of the starting gate I wonder why?

is it fear? no need to frightened addiction is more frightening than recovery
is it shame? i so you need to face it and put it to one side
is it lack if commitment ?
Is it lack of understanding of the value of doing the workshop?
is it laziness?
is it whatever? actually at this point only you know but if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

face your demons examine who you are and why you dont want to be that person
live your lifes vision. Live your life healthily
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:54 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
1 To strengthen my relationship with my wife (including doing enjoyable activities together)
2 I don’t want to hurt my wife emotionally. or other members of my family and friends by my addictive behaviour.
3)To be honest with my self and others.
4)I want to strengthen my ability to make and maintain friendships.
5) I want to strengthen my relationship with my son.
6)I I want to do my share of household tasks.
7)I want to strengthen my relationship with my brother.
8)I want to be creative and playful
9) I want to develop a relationship with a friend who I can confide in.
10) I want to be a good grandfather to my granddaughter.
11) I want to be more open in my sexual relationship with my wife. So that I enjoy it more and I don’t worry about my performance.
12) I want to be heard in my relationships. Not to be passive or build resentments.
13)I want to be able love the people I care about. To be emotionally available to them. family and friends and other people.
14)I want to express my spirituality in my daily life.
15)I want to be able to relax and enjoy my life
16)I want to be compassionate and accepting of myself
17)I want to strengthen my ability to use my own initiative
18)I want to manage my emotion in a healthy way.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 5:39 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
LESSON 6 PROACTIVE ACTION PLANS.

1) Value. I want to improve my relationship with my brother.
Plan I will phone him once per week on Monday evening .I will be honest about any difficulties that may be troubling me. I will agree this with him.
2)Value. I want to behave in a healthy way not an addictive way.
Plan. I will not continue worrying thoughts. I will stop the thoughts. I will think compassionately about my self. I will practice not shaming my self .I will use a calming phrase. I will do an activity.
3)Value. I want to do my share of household tasks
Plan. I will shop(weekly) and cook meals every other night. I will plan a menu and discuss choices with my wife.

I have begun doing this plan and have grown closer to my brother, who is a good support and the not shaming myself helps.Although it takes deterimination and practice. I need to continue talking to my wife to understand how I have effected her and out relationship


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:17 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
I want to add my welcome to you, and urge you to discuss your fears and worries on the forum. You will find a great deal of insight from those who have been where you are now, and quite possibly from those who are where you are at right now. You also need to see your insights as valuable for the others here at RN.

You have a good action plan for your brother, and I would like to see two or three more, dealing with some of the other important values in your life. The goal is to be working on a few key values all of the time. Being busy in your recovery is a good thing. Keep up the good work, and I hope to see you on the forum.

CoachSandalwood


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 10:38 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 181
These action plans seem a bit confused but I sey my self o goal of comleting them by today. I intend to refine them. Any sugestions welcome.
LESSON 6 PROACTIVE ACTION PLANS.PLAN A

1) Value. I want to improve my relationship with my brother.
Plan I will phone him once per week on Monday evening .I will be honest about any difficulties that may be troubling me. I will agree this with him.
2)Value. I want to behave in a healthy way not an addictive way.
Plan. I will not continue worrying thoughts. I will stop the thoughts. I will think compassionately about my self. I will practice not shaming my self .I will use a calming phrase. I will do an activity.
3)Value. I want to do my share of household tasks
Plan. I will shop(weekly) and cook meals every other night. I will plan a menu and discuss choices with my wife
PROACTIVE ACTION PLAN B
Value I wish to strengthen. To be honest with my self and others. I have chosen this value because I don’t want to feel cut off and ashamed. I don’t want to have a secret life, or be split into two people.
I notice I can be “too good.” and this feels false. so I don’t express my frustrations, and allow them to build up. I want to be more congruent with the way I do really feel and take the risk of letting other people know this. Notice even small lapses in not being completely honest, without punishing my self. Writing freely what is on my mind has helped before, so I will do that.
Plan
monitor my own thoughts and behavior for lack of openness.(honesty) spontaneity would be a good sign. Talk to wife and brother about my intention (otherwise could be a shock for them)
face my faults. That I try to look good and competent. But I depend on my wife. I will tell people my doubts and fears as is appropriate to how well I know them.
I will practice telling a worry. I will write freely to improve my understanding of my self.(2-3 times per week)
Value: To strengthen my relationship with my wife.(including doing enjoyable activities together)
plan
talk to my wife. listen to what she would like to do, remember what she says. act on it. Support her as she has a lot of demands on her at present. How can I help her ? ( I need to think about this not just ask her, another decision she’s asked for. Think of activities or things that she would like to make her life easier. set a time aside each day to do. check in with once or twice per week.
Value: I want to be more open in my sexual relationship with my wife. So that I enjoy it more and I don’t worry about my performance.
plan
have already started talk to my wife about this. Understand why I do it. Can I accept being not in charge ? (goes for other aspects of my life accepting others way of doing things) takes pressure of me, more accepting. enjoy ourselves have fun accept, let go. snuggle is very okay

PROACTIVE PLAN C
Value: To have fun
PLAN Try find new activities e.g. play piano, go to concert, order film. write poem, play whistle. What else would I like to try ? Folk club
value: To strengthen my ability to develop and maintain friendships.(good, healthy, supportive Do they feed me ? ) do I support my friends ? contact a friend at least once a week to arrange a social activity. Twice would be best. Take opportunities as they present themselves. (that is avoid isolating my self)Recognise I do need to see friends regularly.
PLAN D
Value: To strengthen my relationship with my wife. To support her at times of great demands placed on her.
find a time when we can discuss this. convenient for us both. not extra burden on sue.(sue not too tired) what would sue find supportive and what not ? not arguing with her decisions at crisis
areas to consider, caring for her parents,(especially over the next few weeks.) change date with Paul ? looking after granddaughter, work. Any others ? e.g. tidy house, shopping, cleaning cooking. books to oxfam.
romantic breaks. just breaks.
meet weekly to discuss. inform her this is part of my recovery.
use my own initiative, taking responsibility for tasks .e.g. insure the house. claim my pension
PLAN E
value Wanting to strengthen my gentleness, consideration and kindness in helping my wife, family, friends and me.
by committing to my recovery. I will a)post my worries, insights, queries. every other day. b) tackle in “free writing” my reluctance to work at lessons or commit my self. c)discuss with my therapist.Seek feed back from my wife how she experinces my talking with her. Recognise it is not her resposablility to monitor me.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:29 am 
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General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3961
GL,

I have combined all your posts into your recovery thread. Please click on Reply at the bottom of your screen to add your lesson responses so that they all stay together in this one thread.

Thanks,
CC


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 Post subject: Re: lesson 2
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:04 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2012 11:32 pm
Posts: 158
green leaves wrote:
LESSON 2 EXERCISE A
I am posting work that I did three months ago. My reluctance to post is my resitence to recovery.I have had a big slip recently which has shaken me. I have spoken seriously with my wife, who has been very supportive. I have seen a councellor for an introductory session and i will begin regular sessions in three weeks time. I want to overcome my addiction and be healthy.

This has been difficult to put into words. It’s not about activities, what I will do as much as who I am and who I want to become. I want to be authentic, and honest with myself and others I have tended to cut myself off from myself and other people at times I don’t want to be a people pleaser, as I can tend to be, or a perfectionist. Trying to be a perfectionist is impossible and crucifies me. I want to be able to be intimate, close to others and to myself. To accept I need people. But being fully responsible for myself and making the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to have a successful life not an addicted one
Who I want to become
I don’t want to reject who I am at present. I accept that I can feel, weak, scared, fallible, at times. I want to be open as much as I can be, and certainly honest. Keeping the channels open, both ways towards myself and towards others. Not withdrawing (too much?) when the going gets tough, when I feel stressed. Not avoiding difficult tasks or feelings. Not compulsively caring for others (if that is what I do ?) Being responsive to others but not at the expense of my own needs.
This means pulling my weight, doing tasks that I find unpleasant, scary, or difficult awkward or gruelling, not leaving them to my wife., Things that I don’t want to do. For example, pay bills, plan for the future, the drudgery, taking responsibility to find friends, to reach out for the fun in my life. Not just piggy backing onto others plans.
Learn to have friendships that nourish me stimulate and support. I want to be honest, tactful and assertive when I do not want to do something, getting my hands dirty. To not loose myself or repress myself. To have compassion for my weakness, vulnerability. To have a regular spiritual practice. and perhaps find a spiritual community that I find compatible.



I realize you have moved past this exercise, however most of what you said in your post reminds me of how I have been at certain times in my life. I challenge you to come up with a more personalized vision which is unique to who you are. When I read your post there is nothing in there that distinguishes you from someone else. I think you should "own" who you are "define" what you want to be. What you will "do" to become the person you want to be. How will it feel and what will it look like when you are living your vision. What is it about you that is unique and what is it about you that you want to define yourself. What will you do to get friends? What kind of friends and life do you want?

Just some feedback from someone navigating the same journey.


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