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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:53 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 14:

I) My daily monitoring list

1. Did I carry myself as a person of respect today?
2. Did I struggle with compulsive urges/rituals today?
- If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
- Did I make a break as soon as i became aware of that ritual?
- If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
3. Did I initiate at least two meaningful conversations with my environment today?
- If not, how many days has it been since I have?
4. Was I attentive to others needs today?
5. Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
6. Did I roleplay at least one reactive action plan today?
7. Did I check my weight and had controlled eating (not too much) at the right times?
8. Did I address at least one procrastination object today?
9. Did I have enough exercise today, at least one walk?
10. Did I laugh at least one time today?
11. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?


Last edited by sunbeam on Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 15:
As i had a nice childhood, i was never in a rape or molestation situation.
My parents visited often a lake or hiked with my sister and me.
However, my parents, especially my father, were very strict, dominating,
and controllingwith us. When playing with other children and friends,
others had more courage to do something. for example forbidden. This
made me to to the softest one in the group.
When my parents watched TV and nudity was shown, i looked away,
because i had not the courage with my strict parents to enjoy it.
Luckily i had soon an internet access and was able to view lots of
nudity there, it was a safe harbor for me, a "emotionally safe" condition.

The other thing is, that going naked (nude recration) and topless (woman)
was very common in the 70's and 80's here in germany. It disappeared
in the 90's rapidly and was replaced with "going sexy" which i consider as
a new prudery. This prudery is boring for me. Luckily i had internet access
and was able to view lots of movies with women, doing sports naked, flashing
on the street and so on.
From now on i used online nudity for relaxing and stress relief and as a
replacement for not having real friends.

I)
I Have a girl i am friendly to. I have learned the awareness of absolute honesty
and tried to be always honest to her, not manipulating the truth to show me better
than i am or to avoid situations with negative emotions.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 4:33 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 16:
The positive role, my addiction played in my life:
* Immediate stress relief
* Experiencing immediate pleasure
* Feeling not lonely (thinking of being part of this online nudity)
* Feeling good
* Experiencing immediate emotional comfort
* Experiencing the forbidden (voyeurism)


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 17:
Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in:
I have searched online for voyeurism and public nudity (exhibitionism) videos and masturbated while watching them.

Elements of this ritual:
Sensory: Self-stimulation and sight. The 2D erotic created strong emotional feelings.
Danger: Although not real because it was all online, i experienced the emotions created by the dange, that the
camera could be discovered by the victim.
Suspense: The waiting what happens, the wondering... they combine with fantasy to produce a state of euphoria which often transcended the concept of time.
Accomplishment: The downloading of the clips, archiving them and the masturbation session itself created a feeling of sexual accomplishment.
Fantasy: I mastered the use of fantasy. The images approxiated that of reality.
Orgasm: At the end of my masturbation session i orgasmed. The absolute euphoria that it brought was the highlight of my compulsive ritual.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:50 am 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 18:
II)
I was often in a chat in a forum about nudity. Often the chat was only joking or talking about this and that,
but sometimes a woman (or a man impersonating) appeared with whose it was possible to talk about our bodys,
genitals and after a while escalating to a cybersex session.

Elements involved in this sexual behaviour:
Sensory: Written erotic text (chat) and naked pictures of her body she sent over the net.
Danger: Sombody else could enter the chatroom during the chat
Suspense: Waiting... will a woman who is cybersex-willing enter the chatroom this night; during escalation: will she participate the cybersex session or will she be upset?
Accomplishment: Reaching the goal of the cybersex session. Experiencing passion and intimacy.
Fantasy: Using the erotic text for fantasizing, imaging that this is real.
Orgasm: The orgasm at the end of the session. Experiencing the satisfaction.

The role of the filters:
Time: I became more and more skilled in how long was the optimum to have erotic chat during masturbation,
send and receive stimulating pictures and finally bring it to an orgasm.
Habituation: At the beginning, it was exciting to get a woman to tell her bra size or about her pubic hairs. Later this was no longer stimulating enough and i escalated to more than just nudity, like extreme sports naked and talking with her about the pain for example in the breasts during this sports.
Intensity: First it was exciting to talk just about her genitals. Later i became more skilled in bringing the woman to report more detailed for example about the feelings in her breasts during naked sports which gave me more stimulating.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:54 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 21:

A) Lage goals in my life i have attempted and failed:
- Getting a long time long term relationship - well, i think my emotional immaturity prohibited this.
- Getting real friends - the same as above.

B) Large goals in my life i have attempted and succeeded:
- Getting my driving licence - I believed i can achive what all others can do, too.
- Getting my high school diploma - I believed in that i am strong enogh and learned enough.
- Getting my university of applied science diploma - I was working on it hard enough.

C) One recovery goal i have broken down to smaller tasks:
- I want to have completed the workshop by 31.12 2014.
There are around 50 remaining lessons in 14 weeks to be done.
That makes 3-4 lessons a week.
- Stage Two: "Addiction" should be done until end of this month
- Stage Three: "Life Skills" should be completed until end of october
- Stage Four: "Urge Control" should be finished until end of november
- Stage Five: "Health Maintenance" should be finished until end of december.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2014 5:29 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
Hi SB
I wonder why you took a break?

some good work but recovery needs consistency
Quote:
I realized that what matters is what i am doing, not what i did.


actually both matter
, but looking at the here and now and then the future is much better than dwelling in the
past

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 3:51 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
well... i was on vacations and had a summer break.
It was a very good time with only little internet contact.

But now i will finish this workshop until the end of this year.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 4:47 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 22:

Ritual Measured: Masturbation

Primary Elements Involved: Fantasy, Physical Stimulation; Orgasm

Values assigned: Fantasy: 3; Physical Stimulation: 3; Orgasm: 1

Filters applied:
Fantasy '3':
* Time: Over the whole ritual: '8'
* Intensity: The more i fantasize, the more the stimulation: '8'
* Habituation: As fantasies get 'played out' during the ritual, the stimulation they provide decreases: '5'

Physical Stimulation '3':
* Time: Increases stimulation: '7'
* Intensity: Relatively stable: '5'
* Habituation: No real effect '1'

Orgasm '1':
* Time: Lasts only a very short time during this ritual: '1'
* Intensity: Increases overall intensity of urge: '10'
* Habituation: No real effect '1'

Math: (3*8+3*8+3*5)/3 + (3*7+3*5+3*1)/3 + (1*1+1*10+1*1)/3 = 38 overall stimulation rating


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 5:15 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
Hi
please do not take this the wrong way it is not an attack nor a criticism simply a question

Quote:
well... i was on vacations and had a summer break.


when you were actively acting out did you take summer breaks from it?

perhaps reflect on your reasons for wanting to change and wonder why they were not so important when the sun shines
I say this to provoke positivity not to admonish
if it helps great if not as always simply trash it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2014 9:32 am 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 23:

Assessing my behavioral patterns:
Compulsive rituals are no 'single acts'. They consists of series of patterned behaviours. By understanding this,
i can assess each element and estimate the emotions impacted by this element. I can understand and visualize for what the behaviors are and what functional role they play in my life.

Self-Awareness:
The single elements i have extracted and evaluated from real previously experienced behavioral patterns make it possible for me to gauge the potential stimualtion an element might have on my emotional state.
By this i can make a direct connection between the actions and decisions and their emotional consequences for me.

Relapse Prevention:
When i recognize that i engage in potentially destructive behavior again, i can take the behaviour and intellectually break it down to single elements and assess them. So i can be aware of the role this elements play emotionally, what helps me to have a feeling of renewed control of the behaviors - where i go from here is indeed a choice i must take, it is NO fate. This is all that is needed to repriorize my life.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2014 3:57 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 24:

I) My Wheel of Sexual Compulsion:
Fantasy, Orgasm, Sensory, Suspense, Accomplishment

II)
Erotic Chat
- Felt lonely, felt anger/frustration over my work not going on
- Experienced urge to relieve myself through erotic chat
- Began going in the chat and looking if a suitable girl is there (Element: Suspense)
- If so, started talking with the girl, and then started to talk about her body/genitals (Elements: Suspense, Fantasy)
- Tried to get the girl to exchange naked pictures (Elements: Suspense, Sensory)
- Added masturbation for more stimualtion (Elements: Sensory)
- Closed the session with orgasm (Elements: Orgasm, Accomplishment)

Erotic Clips search
- Felt lonely, felt anger/frustration over my work not going on
- Experienced urge to relieve myself through erotic clips
- Began looking in forums for interesting clips, giving me most stimulation (Element: Suspense)
- Started downloading several of this clips and watching them (Elements: Suspense, Fantasy, Sensory)
- Added masturbation for more stimualtion (Elements: Sensory)
- Going back to the most stimulating videos and watching them again (Elements: Suspense, Fantasy, Sensory)
- Closed the session with orgasm (Elements: Orgasm, Accomplishment)

Masturbation-Session
- Felt bored
- Experienced urge to relieve myself through fantasy
- Began lying in bed and started to fantasy (Element: Fantasy)
- Added masturbation for more stimualtion (Elements: Sensory)
- Closed the session with orgasm (sometimes) (Elements: Orgasm, Accomplishment)


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 2:21 am 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 25:

Compulsive Ritual: Erotic chat
#1 Saw attractive girls
#2 Hoped that they liked me
#3 Tried to talk with them
#4 They rejected
#5 With fewer self-confidence, tried to talk to other girls
#6 They rejected, too
#7 Gave up
#8 Got the urge to communicate with girls
#9 At home, joined a nudist chat
#10 Looked around for girls willing to talk about nudity in an erotic fashion
#11 One of the girls answered
#12 I soon switched to talk with her about the genitals
#13 Brought the chat to a more detailed talk about her genitals
#14 Began to get an erection
#15 Started to masturbate
#16 Brought her to exchange nude pictures with me
#16 Continued to masturbate
#17 Communicated with her to synchronize orgasm
#18 Brought it to orgasm
#19 Left the chat
#20 Cleaned up


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2014 5:20 am 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 26:

Mapping out of the ritual 'erotic clips browsing':
#1 After work, in the evening, i started with the forum where i have found the most stimulating clips in the past
#2 Looked around in the sub-forums where i expect the most stimulating clips, like public nudity and vintage erotica
#3 Searched new clips, downloaded and watched them
#4 I focused my eyes on the boobs in motion (public nudity) and the pubic hairs (vintage erotica)
#5 Put down my trousers and started to masturbate
#6 Searched for more stimulating material like forced nudity where actors had to undress and do some sports naked
#7 Focused my eyes on the bouncing boobs
#8 Downloaded and watched lots of those clips. Archived the good ones (most stimulating) carefully
#9 Continued this for hours
#10 Finally brought it to orgasm
#11 Cleaned up after this
#12 Went to bed

This is a ritual of the past. I removed it from my life already two years ago.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:46 am 
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 27:

Multiple rituals engaged simultaneously:
Well, i can't remember that i ever did this. Alcohol played a little role in my life, i didn't dring during
acting out. Other drugs didn't play a role, too. I listen to music sometimes, but not during acting out.
I never had multiple affairs.

Multiple rituals engaged sequentially:
I combined my erotic clip browsing with erotic chat. Both rituals are already described above. They
formed a compulsive chain in my life.


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