Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Feb 20, 2020 10:56 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 102 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 28:

1.) Developing a chain of my most recent acting out behaviour:
- First ritual: Lying in bed, fantasizing and masturbating
- Element #1: Fantasizing
- Element #2: Masturbating
- Second ritual: Moving to the PC, having an erotic chat and masturbating
- Element #1: Suspense
- Element #2: Sensory
- Element #3: Masturbating
- Third ritual: Searching and Watching erotic clips and masturbating
- Element #1: Suspense
- Element #2: Sensory
- Element #3: Masturbating
- Element #4: Orgasm

2.) I can recognize how each element affected my emotional state

3.) Adding destructive elements to increase overall stimulation
- First ritual: I could use my smartphone/whatsapp and do erotic instant messaging
- Second ritual: I could add a webcam to the chat or exchanging naked images with chat partners
- Third ritual: I could switch to streaming webcams and have several webcams on my screen simultaneous

Now i have finished "Stage Two: Addiction", and feel a significant improvement improvement in
my mood and energy. Urges are low at the moment. But there is no time to lose, i will go on to Stage Three.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 5:18 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 29:

A.) I have experienced good emotions (felt good) when i recalled my vacations on
festivals. When i was on my beach and had nice conversations with people around me.
When i thought about my values and roleplayed some action plans, i felt good, too.
When i started to fantasize sexually, i felt good too. I had no urges to act out.
I have never anxiety when forcing not to act out. Anxiety comes after acting out
during withdrawal phase.
Lets assume there are urges. When i would decide to masturbate, there would be
a good feeling after that for some time, but a lot of energy would be drained out of me.
When i would decide not to masturbate, there would be for example boredom
filling me.
But much harder would be a erotic chat. Or erotic picture browsing. When i would
decide to do this, the consequences would be enormous mood swings in the withdrawal
phase of, lets say one week. My emotional energy drained off. When i think about this, i feel bad.
When i would decide not to do this, the consequences would be, again, boredom. When i think
about the long term positive effects, like a good mood and emotional stability, i feel good.

B.) My anxious states occur during withdrawal phase (the first week) after a relapse.
In this anxious state, i am disconnected from the world and i roleplay in my mind
battles with my enemies. They fight against me and manipulate things. The deeper
the anxiety is, the more they win. The softer (after deepest withdrawal phase) battles
then i don't lose this battles not so hard anymore.
The most anxious state has been after stopping a relapse binge series. The least
anxious state has been after a series of success. For example on festivals on the
mainfloor having fun with a lot of people.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 3:02 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 30:

Nothing to write here at the moment.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 5:29 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 31:

A.) All identifiable stressors of last week:
- Project in my job needing much more time than expected - Moderate
- Injury prohibiting me goint to sauna - Moderate
- Mood swings from last soft-relapse - Severe at the beginning, now much better
- Hairs too long - Mild, now short again

B.)
Going through my values list, I can see that the majority of energy being drained for example
by stress relates to pursuing the top 15 values (highest values). That gives me goals worth
fighting for and making stress manageable.

C.)
I can see, that the majority of meaning and stimulation in my life is related to my highest values.
I can feel the satisfaction and impetus when i fulfill one of my highest values.

Maybe i have to reorganize one or two of my top values later on, but lets see.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 3:39 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 32:

1.) Well, i have only developed action plans for eleven values in the meantime.
I hope to be able to develop the next four ones soon.

Progress so far: There is a lot of progress, i have adressed a lot of points of my
proactive action plans. Especially the top 3 ones are more or less fulfilled most
of the time. Others like sexual intimacy and friendship suffer.
Feeling happy and content suffers, too. I thing the still big mood swings over the
day brings me to a state where i can't feel happy most of the time. But it has
improved much. The same with developing serenity. The mood swings are the
opposite of what I want here...

2.) I updated them a bit, but there is some more work to be made. I hope i can go
on the next days.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 1:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 33:

1.) I will try to do.

2.) A few insights about my emotions and their anticipation
Day 1:
Yesterday i had a short period where i was thinking how hopeless
my future is, how hopeless to get the interesting project and so on.
Soon i recognized that it was only a mood swing. After this realization
the anxiety was away.

I was listening to music, then i had a high-period where i felt very good
and was laughing. After a while it was away again.

I had for two hours or so a bad mood state, where i was role playing
fights with my enemies. But this time the fights were not so intense.
After a while this bad mood state was away again.

I arrived an email from a girl i am friendly with. She told me that she would
come with me the next weekend in a club. I fantasized a bit how nice it will
be with her and felt good.

When i roleplayed in my dream-world how i helped one with a computer-problem,
i felt good and was smiling.

When i read through a recovery session, i often start to feel good. This feeling
lasts long. I can connect this emotion with my value "personal growth/development".

When i have finished the exercises of a recovery workshop, i feel good, too.
I can connect this emotion with my value "sense of accomplishment"

Day 2:
When i fantasized a bit about my current project how much money i can easy
make with it i felt very good.

When i worked on my presentation i realized that, although the whole presentation
is technical, i built in much more emotions and felt them. I can connect this to
my emotional energy which is not drained by porn anymore.

When i got an cheap product-offer from china, i thought about how much money
i could make by just selling it to a much higher price on the market in my country
i felt very good.

When i thought about the coming events i planned already i had good feelings.

Day 3:
When i did my accounting i was nervous and had mood swings. Accounting is a
work i am not so familiar with. Is maybe my emotional immatury the cause why i
always concentrated on technology, my safe harbor?

When i did my exercises with my bike, i had severe mood swings, too. Don't know
why they occur there.

In the evening, i had a bad inner game where i attacked my former chiefs. After
a while i realized that making enemies with no benefit is making no sense. I
should concentrate on doing my own thing and bring it ahead.

After dinner, i had some cravings to eat some sweets. After a while they
disappeared again.

3.) Assessing the level of effort i put in this task:
Now the week is over and i found every day some opportunities to deepen my
awareness of my emotions. Some of them i reported here. I can clearly see my
black-and-white behavior in the past, going in the extremes. Being able to
assess the anticipated emotions helps me to understand how this game works
and it reduces the anxiety.


Last edited by sunbeam on Sun Oct 12, 2014 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 8:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 34:

A.) Time in my life when the immediate gratification principle has come into play:
When i was around 17, my class visited the university for access to the upcoming
internet. When the teacher was away. whe searched and downloaded a lot of
nude pictures and saved them on floppy disks. At home, i watched the pictures
when i was alone and masturbated. It was a great relief of stress.

B.) Well, this is a very bad inner-game and mood swings, where i fight during
role-playing with my enemies. I am internal annoyed and disconnected of the world.
Other feelings of anxiety have usually one real existing cause.

C.) It is a trance like feeling, the relief is great and during concentrating fully on
ating out, all other bad feelings disappear. It is a feeling that feels wonderful
and giving up control. A feeling like on drugs.
Others would find in my mind my compulsive side of life.


Last edited by sunbeam on Sun Oct 12, 2014 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 2:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 35:

1.)
I will stand up much earlier, use the day more useful and shift my active period earlier of the day.
I will place the reminder on the bathroom mirror.

2.)
#1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment?
- Going out dancing was very fulfilling me.
- Having recreation in the sauna and having good conversations was meaningful for me.
- Going shopping and having a smalltalk was fulfilling me.
- Cleaning the house
- Noticing that others honor me more
- Having progress in my project (business)

#2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
- The consequences for my environment from a former battle with enemy.
- The always grey sky and no sun stressed me.
- The low energy level stressed me

#3: How well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?
- More or less intense mood swings.
- I did not relapse but sometimes escaped to fantasy world over the day.
- Was already better and i will improve this now again!

#4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for?
- Not the next seven days. But i will proceed with my project to avoid stress in the future.


Last edited by sunbeam on Thu Jan 22, 2015 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 2:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 36:

I. In my late adolescent years, i was part of a clique where a lot of alpha/beta challenges
took place. I allowed others to damage my integrity. That made me to a beta, good for
solving the technical problems of others, but not for a intimate relationship.

II. My former chief tried to bring me to overtake risks i am not responsible for. I told him
that i am not naive. Then he gave up. Maintaining this boundary was possible although
i was emotional immature because i compensated this by my nerd-being. This works
only in my work-scope.
I think my nerd-being was a measure to circumvent becoming emotional mature. I considered
going this way as the easier solution. What a big mistake!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:30 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 37:

I.)
- Taking care of myself
- Honesty
- Conversation

II.)
Taking care of myself:
- When i ate too much, i will take care to eat smaller meals the next days
- When i relapse, i will accept consequences and try to go back on track as soon as possible. I will forgive myself.
- I will try to fulfill several values a day, not only one.
- I will slow down/make a break when my biomarkers signal me that i am exhausting my energy
- My decisions will be based on pursuit my own happyness, not sacrificing for others (nice guy)

Honesty:
- I will be honest with the world around me.
- An omission of the truth is the same as a lie.
- When i don't want to tell the truth, i tell that i don't want to talk about that now.
- When i have been untruthful, i will accept responsibility and accept the consequences
- I want others to be honest to me too, so i tell it others when i recognize that others are trying to cheat me.

Conversation:
- I will respect the boundaries of others, especially those concerning intimacy
- I will try to concentrate fully and listen to my communication partner and take the necessary time.
- When i don't want to talk with someone, i will communicate this.
- When others tell me something i am not interested, i will communicate this
- I will try to put energy in the conversation and working on myself to improve my emotional powers.

III.)
Absolute boundaries:
- I will not bend myself for someone else
- I will not do anything destroying myself
- I will act in a way that i can see myself always in the mirror


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 2:50 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 38:

II.)
Taking care of myself:
- When i have too much to work, it can happen that i have not enough time for recreation
-> If i can adhere to the boundaries, they will protect this value.
- When i have too much stress, i eat too much and uncontrolled
-> If i can limit this stress to an acceptable level and take care next days/weeks with food,
this boundaries will protect this value.

Honesty:
- Social anxiety or social pressure can bring me to get in temptation to manipulate by a lie
-> I think the boundaries bring enough possibilities to circumvent this
- When i fear disadvantages for me when i share the truth, this value could be threatened.
-> I think with the given boundaries i have enough possibilities to circumvent this.

Conversation:
- When i have too much to work, it can happen that i don't have enough time for conversation because
i don't leave the house.
-> See at III.)
- When my mind is too scattered i can't concentrate on conversation which makes it boring for the other side.
-> With my ongoing recovery this will become better and better.

III.)
Conversation:
-> With boundaries evolved to:
- Leave the house at least one time a day, for example going shopping, video store, sauna, etc... to come
under people and use possibilities for communication.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 1:26 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 39:

Step 1 - Inventory of my current sexual values:
- Women want to have sex when they are physically attracted to someone
- Women always try to bring men in the beta zone and want security from the betas
- Women prefer the dominant alphas for sex, holidays and relationship
- I am unsure of my libido, that it will return
- Sex is my way of showing people I love them
- I sometimes wonder if i can fully sexually satisfy a woman
- Within boundaries (no compulsive act), masturbation is a healthy, normal act
- If my partner isn't satisfying me sexually, I have the right to finally leave her
- I need to make my partner orgasm for sex to be successful
- If a romantic partner won't have sex with me, there's something wrong with the relationship
- Women get interested in me by my emotional power
- Deep down, most women love to be dominated
- Anal sex is disgusting
- My sex drive is unusually strong
- Sex should be for love, not entertainment

Step 2 - Defining an Ideal Ending:
- I will only engage in sexual behavior that I choose to willingly
- I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer
- I will only engage in healthy sexual behavior with real sex, no online or phone sexual activities
- I will have good sex with high libido and strong erections/orgasm
- I will only engage in sexual behavior that is based on true emotional intimacy

Step 3 - Defining a Beginning:
- Women want to have sex when they are physically attracted to someone
- Sex is my way of showing people I love them
- Within boundaries (no compulsive act), masturbation is a healthy, normal act
- Women get interested in me by my emotional power
- Deep down, most women love to be dominated

Step 4 - Defining my Existing Vulnerabilities
- I have to be more socially accepted / higher social level (alpha beta challenges)
- I have to build an supportive environment, like friends
- I need high emotional power and high libido
- I have to gain back strong erections/orgasm

Step 5 - Ask for Feedback
- Lets see

Step 6 - Select initial value for development
- I do not want to fall back to old habits and use addiction for sexual stimulation

Step 7 - Defining Boundaries that protect the selected Value
- I will take care to go on with my personal growth/recovery workshop
- I will work through my proactive action plans and take care that there is always enough value based decision making
- I will not go in erotic chats and so on when i am bored

Step 8 - Observing others:
- I will try to do.

Step 9 - Looking for opportunities to apply my values
- I will try to do.

Step 10 - Evaluating the Consequences
- I will try to do.

Step 11 - Continuing to ask for feedback
- I will try to do when necessary

Step 12 - Redefining values/boundaries
- I will try to do.

Step 13 - Updating my list of Vulnerabilities

Step 14 - Return to step Seven
A endless loop like in a computer program ;-)


Last edited by sunbeam on Fri Jan 30, 2015 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 1:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 40:

I.) I choose my mom. When i think back, i can see a lot of situations where i crossed her
boundaries by not helping in the household, not respecting her opinions and wishes.
I could help by more approaching her.

II.) I try not to violate this boundary anymore in the future. If this violates my boundaries, i
discuss this with my mom and try to find a solution.

III.) I reacted aggressive and tried to manipulate the situation. Today i listen to my mom,
remember this and respect it in the future.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 4:12 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 41:

I can remember how i thought during my addiction: Crossing the boundaries of others and letting others cross
my boundaries, especially the sexual ones, leads to a more exciting and fulfilling life.

Mastering boundary awareness: My boundaries
Event: Alpha/Beta challenges at the lake or in the sauna. Lots of people in a small room, and naked needs a lot
of emotional maturity. Sometimes certain people try to challenging me by trying to destroy my integrity by manipulation.
Reaction: I reacted with crying and loud harsh words and internally going emotionally out of balance, followed by
wild mood swings. A pure emotional reaction.
Values involved: Respect; Integrity; Personal Growth; Honesty (and more)
Existing Boundaries: Escalating, big emotional reaction.
Their Effectiveness in Managing this Situation: Poor. Although knowing that others react in a more successful manner, i was unable to stay calm and react in the same way.
New Boundaries Needed: With enough recovery, i am emotionally so stable that i can react with just a smile.
Or making a break and then reacting calmly.


Last edited by sunbeam on Mon Feb 16, 2015 2:27 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 4:13 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
Lesson 42:

I complete this lesson delayed as one of the last lessons i have to do in this workshop.

I) There are no more questions about compulsive chains, rituals, elements and measuring emotions.
I consider this as a thing of the past.

II) Very interesting to recall this again, i assume the coaching session is for those doing no self help recovery.


Last edited by sunbeam on Wed Feb 18, 2015 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 102 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: foundman and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group