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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:09 am 
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Posts: 18
RN Lesson 10 Honesty – 2017-08-15

1. Who am I deceiving? Why am I deceiving them? What are the risks of coming clean?

I am deceiving my roommates. When they asked what was in my package when I ordered a masturbation aid, I dodged the question. I did it because they don’t need to know. I am deceiving anyone I sit next to at church when I take the sacrament despite having PMO’d that morning, and having no intention to stop. I deceived those at church because I fear their judgement more than I fear desecrating the ordinance of the sacrament. This is something I can repent of. But I don’t feel like public humiliation should be part of going to church. The risk of not taking the sacrament is the judgement of others.

In all else I have been pretty open. I don’t hide from Danny that I have been to addiction recovery meetings. I don’t tell people that I might go to the temple, I just don’t go all the way and tell them that I can’t. I am honest when I am asked, but not everything is their business. I don’t have a partner. The only partner I have is me. The only deception I engage in is when I rationalize that acting out is okay, that it is inevitable, and that I will stop later if I just act out now.

My family knows that I am not married because I have a pornography problem. I have never told them that it is over. I don’t know what my nieces and nephews know, but I don’t need to tell them. It is not their issue.

2. Partner.

I don’t have a partner. If and when I get one, I will at some point need to be honest about my past. The only way I will have the courage to do so is if my behavior is actively in the past. If we are to the point where we are managing our lives together, and not alone, and I slip up, then I will have to admit what I have done.

3. Coaching or Counseling

I have neither. The closest thing I have is my bishop, and I have never lied to my bishop.

4. Shash

My problem with porn is internet pornography. I have internet access on many devices, including my phone, a tablet, and a portable laptop computer. Years ago I tried to limit my access by filtering my devices, but this only caused me to go to imaginative lengths to get around the filtering. I finally decided that I had to be my own filter. No amount of technology is going to keep a grown man with a credit card from getting porn if he decides he wants it. Instead, I have to make sure that I don’t make that decision.

The closest thing I have to a stash is the imgur app, which I have used in the past to attempt to ‘stumble across’ soft core porn. I have uninstalled tumblr, and reddit. I keep imgur because it is primarily a good source of memes to share with friends and it is my main source of comedy.
5. People that I use as sexual objects

I had a make out buddy, Brionna. I made it clear to her that I had no intention of dating her that basically we were friends with benefits. She cut it off, but I would have continued it if she let me.

I used to fantasize about most attractive women that I met. A couple of girls I would go back to time after time after time, Rachel Lopez, Emily Crane, my ex, and Brionna. In my worst moments I have fantasized about my older nieces, one of which is still a teenager.

6. Places I would go

Almost always it is in my bedroom, morning or night. Sometimes in the afternoon if I am particularly depressed.
One time masturbated while driving down I-80 in the middle of the Nevada desert.
At my old job over 4 years ago I used to masturbate in the bathroom once in a while. A few times I masturbated at my desk after hours.
Internet for porn


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:38 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:28 am
Posts: 18
RN Lesson 7 Exercise – Proactive Action Plan 2017-08-21

1. Discipline
• Plan my daily schedule out in advance and do my best to stick to it.
• Track progress in my goals using Habit Bull App
• Make time for RN lessons 3-4x per week
• As I plan daily, anticipate challenges and plan how to respond in advance.
• Continually strive to be cognizant of my feelings. How they work for me or against me. If I am feeling burnt out, depressed, exhausted, or discouraged remind myself to be patient, that my goals will take time, that the alternative doesn’t work. There is a better life ahead, but I have to move forward.
• When I am too tired to move forward, take a power nap. If that doesn’t do the trick, take a day off but don’t allow yourself to move backwards during those days.
• Think positively. Take time to acknowledge your progress and recognize that you don’t have to be perfect. Focus on progress, not perfection.
• When you begin to be overwhelmed by negative emotion, self pity, or not being able to have someone or something you want, focus on what you do have and what you are grateful for. Then think about what it will take to get what you lack, and recognize that the only way to get it is my making goals, plans, and having the discipline to execute those plans. You will not get what you want by being sad you don’t have it, and wishing for it.

2. Making myself as attractive as I can in order to date and eventually get married.
• Get gastric sleeve surgery and follow the doctors recommended diet
• As I recovery from my foot injury, work exercise back into my daily life
o At home gym in the morning
o Lunch walks at work
o Hiking once a week.
• Invisalign to fix my teeth
• Rogaine and propecia to halt hair loss and hopefully get some back. Got get a professional stylist haircut and then cut your hair like that from now on.
• Go on more dates to get back into the experience of dating.
• Keep listening to Art of Charm podcasts to help with my social skills.
• When I feel like asking girls out. I do. I don’t hold back any more out of fear or rejection.
• I maintain my sexual abstinence so that my sex drive, confidence and motivation are high.
• I get a temple recommend and get active in the church. This is a huge turn on for Mormon girls.

3. Developing a long term career plan so that I can derive satisfaction from my career.
• Get my current career in order. Be on time. Work 40 hours a week. Stay focused while on the clock. Work hard and get as much done as I can.
• Use the last hour of the day at work to study engineering textbooks (sharpen the saw).
• Keep working to complete the pathfinder book my birthday on October 2nd. 6 pages a day, or 42 pages a week.
• Once I have completed the pathfinder, update this section with a new concrete career plan.

4. Developing relationships with and spending time with my family and friends.
• Call my parents weekly. Sunday afternoon on the way home from church.
• Call the rest of my siblings and nieces and nephews on their birthday’s and half birthdays.
• Maintain my friends document. Make plans to move things ahead.
• Keep listening to the Art of Charm and applying it with everyone.

5. Emotional maturity: being unflappable in the face of opposition, loss and hardship.
• Write journal entries regularly to help be in touch with my feelings.
• Exercise faith to put trials into perspective. Trust that God will take care of me.
• Maintain relationships so that I have a foundation of support and love. (See value #4)
• Exercise regularly. It is the best anti-depressant there is. (See value #2)
• See the feelings sections of value #1.

6. Seeking after spiritual truth
• Read 1 chapter a day in the Book of Mormon (while on the can)
• Seek personal revelation about the church through study 3-4x/ week and daily prayer. Focus study around the temple recommend interview questions.
• Get a temple recommend by
o Attending church once a week
o Fulfilling a calling
o Abstaining from PMO.

7. Furthering my education, formally and informally. Books, podcasts, etc.
• Once my career plan is decided upon, seek after the education necessary to make it happen.
• Keep up to date on current events, sports and a little politics.
• Find time to read good books. Learn history, culture, religion, technology, psychology, philosophy. Try to replace TV time with reading time.

8. Financial planning and discipline. Learning to make my money work for me.
• Build a solid foundation of income, starting now with having the discipline to put 40 hours of work in a week.
• Develop a long term career plan that maximizes your earning potential.
• Find new ways to be frugal. Every dollar you save now is worth $10 in 30 years (assuming 8% growth). If you save $100,000 by the time you are 40, you will have $1 million by the time you retire.
• Frugal, frugal, frugal. Evaluate monthly how you have spent your money, and how you could have saved more money.

9. Developing Christ like virtues: Faith, hope, charity, patience, integrity, mercy, forgiveness, gratitude, honesty, meekness
• This will take weekly evaluation and planning. As I do my journal writing I need to look on my interactions with others and see if they are in accordance with these virtues. I will need to be mindful of this each day.
• In my scripture study, take time to study these virtues and the doctrine behind them.
• As I take the sacrament this week, think back on these virtues and on how I did or did not display them in the past week. Be mindful on how to have them in the coming week. Pray for help.

10. Learn to play the piano. Goal is to play Rachmaninoff Prelude in C# minor.
• Find time to practice regularly. I want to start now, but honestly I think I need to wait until I have figured out my career plan and worked through these workshops.
• Instead of mindlessly watching TV, try to play piano. Instead of video games or youtube videos.

11. Being adventurous, exploring the world and trying new things.
• Once I year I want to do a large vacation where I travel some place special.
• On dates, don’t be afraid to be interesting or different.
• Take opportunities when presented by others to try new things.

12. Creating: Projects, crafts, and creative pursuits
• When I get cool idea, go for them. (of course take care of higher priorities first)

13. Sports, hiking and athletics, the outdoors
• One over night trip a month, one day trip a month.
• Hiking 1x per week after work.
• Volleyball 1x per week after work.
• Ultimate Frisbee pick up 1x per week.
• Basketball pick up 1x per week.
• Weight training?

14. Fun: Creating, planning and implementing fun games and activities.
• Continue to make time with friends at least 2x a week.

15. Service:
• Help anyone who asks for it, within reason, as long as you aren’t being taken advantage of.
• Looking out for those who need it. Look for people in your life that could use a hand.
• Community service about 1x per month. Look for ways to involve you friends in this.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:45 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:28 am
Posts: 18
RN Lesson 12 Exercise – Unhealthy Recovery Patterns

My patterns for continuing the struggle:

Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others. (ie, get in a relationship and get to the temple), escape loneliness.

They minimize their behavior. "It's not that big of a deal." This is what I tell myself before I act out to let myself get away with it. Immediately afterwards I feel like I have completely ruined my life.

They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as human beings. I have often thought of myself as broken, and completely unable to change.

They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals. I have often thought that my life is completely ruined because of my addiction and that there is no coming back.

They suspect that they will never be able to overcome their urges, and so their goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.

They tend to see life in episodes — with beginnings and endings — rather than as a process.

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.

They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out — extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions — when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives. – This describes me perfectly. I get a little bit of abstinence and then when I lose it, I am devastated. I stop trying and tacitly accept the addiction as part of my life for awhile before trying again.

They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.

Capable of achieving anything they set their minds to...though unsure of what it is they will eventually settle their minds on. Many family members and friends have described me exactly this way.

Other patterns. I go through something difficult and it motivates me to be abstinent for awhile. Then life gets good and I slip. I lose motivation or the initial emotional intensity that sparked a bought of success.

Failures in my personal and romantic life lead me to want to act out. Anytime I am rejected I respond with acting out.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:55 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:28 am
Posts: 18
RN Lesson 13 Exercise – Healthy Recovery Patterns

Early Recovery Identification

I have doubts about my ability to change. I have been trying to make these changes for nearly 15 years and have not been making much progress. My career, and personal life have been stagnant or moving backwards.

When I am celebate I feel great, but when I slip I wallow in extremely negative emotions. I feel depressed, hopeless and I know that if I don’t change I won’t be able to live with myself, and eventually I will have had enough and will kill myself.

I “test the waters”. I flirt IMGUR that isn’t used primarily for PMO, but I have used it for that in the past. This inevitably leads to a slip up.

I have been feeling overwhelmed. The more I do the more I want to do. I want to move forward in all areas of my life, but I find the pursuit exhausting, and so I give up, and everything starts to slip back toward the ground.

I don’t identify with powerlessness. I know that my choices are my choices, and I am responsible for them. I don’t think others see me as pathetic right now, but I could be wrong.

Middle Recovery

I see the past as a sunk cost. I can’t change it. I can only try to make each day the best it can be.

I do want to live a life I can be proud of. I have to live with myself as others come and go from my life. Although I want to be loved and esteemed, what really matters is how I feel about myself. If I have confidence and inner peace, it is greater than any external validation I could receive. If I don’t have it, no amount of external validation will fix the hole inside.

I see myself as a continual process of growth or regression. I know that I need some process control to take myself in the right direction.

I am removing things from my life that are destructive. I am spending less time wasted, and more time living deliberately chasing my goals.

Late Recovery

I’m not there yet, but I plan to come back and review this lesson and hope that I can adopt some of these traits.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 8:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:28 am
Posts: 18
My Daily Monitoring Questions
1. Did I live my life with purpose today, or did I just pass the time with distraction? Did I do my best with the time I had? If not, why not?
2. How am I feeling? If good, why? If bad, why and how can I resolve it?
3. Relationships. Did I have a meaningful interaction with someone else today? If not how long has it been?
4. Health and attractiveness. Did I take care of my body today? Exercise and diet?
5. Did I pray or do anything for my spiritual development?
6. Did I learn anything?
7. Did I create anything?
8. Did I play the piano?
9. Did I make good financial decisions today (maximize income, minimize spending)?
10. Did I do anything fun today? If not when was the last time I had fun?


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:28 am
Posts: 18
Exercise:

Take some time to think of how these behaviors were introduced into your life.
The concept of sex was introduced into my life in a way that made me feel stupid. It was hidden information and I was not in the club. My friends made fun of my ignorance. My parents were always awkward and uncomfortable with the subject.

I developed curiosity toward late night TV and my sister’s magazines. After my mission I started searching terms on my parents computer, but most of the things I saw were totally disgusting.

I started jerking 2 years after my mission, and about 1 year after suffering my 1st heart break. I was playing around out of curiosity. I was told by my bishop that I was an addict, and I have been an ‘addict’ ever since, going at most 3 months without masturbating.

Think of how they developed into destructive behaviors.
Things developed into a full pornography problem as my access to technology increased. This problem never stopped for very long, except for right before I started dating Tricia.

The destruction includes:
    Loss of self confidence
    Feeling unworthy
    Feeling shame
    Feeling like a piece of shit. Inferior to everyone else.
    Losing a woman who loved me and wanted to marry me.
    Losing all confidence that I could be loved by anyone.
    Being late for work and skipping work
    Avoiding time with others because of feeling depressed
    Suicidal thoughts
    Poor 1st sexual experience.
    The need to jerk off just to feel normal. To sleep, to get up, to function.

What were some of the key “introductions” of new values that you associated with this behavior?

New values. PMO became more important than actual relationships.
PMO replaced ambition at work, with performing at a minimum standard
PMO took away any plans I had for the future and put me on unsteady ground with the church
Sex became my sole desire. The most important thing in my life. All other desires faded.
I tend to value attractiveness above all in women.


Consider significant relationships, traumatic or stressful events and personal insights that affected the development of your values.

My most significant relationships. My parents loved me, but were strict and I always felt like I was in trouble growing up even though I wasn’t. My parents were not affectionate to us or to each other. They taught, cared for and provided for us and raised smart, enabled children with a lot of insecurities and emotional issues.

The 1st girl I was in love with, rejected me without dating me. I shook it off.

The 2nd girl I was in love with rejected me after dating for 2 months. It turned out I was different than who she expected me to be. It took me 3 years to be willing to date again after her. I was angry and heart broken. I lacked confidence. I was scared of being hurt again. I was angry at God and the foundation of my values and faith suffered greatly. I doubted whether my prayers were heard, and to this day still do. I know that God doesn’t answer prayers for another person to love you no matter how bad you want it.

The 3rd girl I was in love with never dated me. We were friends, but she didn’t give me a chance. I don’t know why to this day. I was about to list possible personal deficiencies, but that is not what this writing assignment is about. I can do that later. I can come up with all personality traits and interests that I need to develop in order to achieve maximum attractiveness. It will help if I know what I am looking for because different traits and interests will attract different types of girls.
The most significant relationship I had was with Tricia. She was celebate, but I used our sexual experiences together to fuel my PMO. I was not motivated to change when I was with her because I was comfortable with our relationship and with her patience. I took her long suffering for granted. She was a blanket of comfort that kept me from confronting and fixing myself.

What have I learned through the first 14 lessons? How have I integrated this into my daily life?

I have learned that my life has the value that I give it. That my goals can be anchors, and that a stable life must be built on 5-7 active practical values. A life built on only 2 or 3 will be unstable. I have learned that addiction recovery is about focusing on life management, and on knowing what you want.

In my day to day life I am constantly aware of what I am trying to accomplish, and how I want to live. I am holding myself more accountable for my time.


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