Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Mar 30, 2020 8:08 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 92 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 7  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 12:22 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1. I need to re-establish my commitment to change from one of head knowledge to one of heart behavior. I have usually taken the shortcut on almost everything that I have ever done in my life . . sometimes that was enough to accomplish my goal, sometimes things actually turned out to be very good, but overall the shortcut method has left me coming up . . .well, short. Short on internalizing my values, the quality of my work and the sustainability of the end product.
I spent 8 months in an SA group and there were those first 90 days with 90 meetings in those 90 days that provided me the focus in the crap that I was doing that I needed to stop obsessing with the sex, the search for connection my participation in the world of whores and strip clubs. But it was not going anywhere and most of the people in the program that I saw around me were still struggling mightily with slips and agonizing over the fact that they could not walk through the mall without obsessing on who they were going to connect with and have sex with. I had the head knowledge of where that led me . . .oblivion! So as far as "slips" that has not been a big issue . . .13 months and 8 days on that account . . .but I have continued to shortcut the process to gain real victory over the obsession and having the healthy habits of positive values in my life completely take over my heart, should and mind. Five months in RN has given me strength in ideas, skill development that I desperately needed but I have once again shortcut the program because I was doing ok and it looked liked I was doing jus fine.
My habits are so ingrained that there is question from my partner and if i get totally honest with myself, if I am even capable of making the changes and doing the hard work that it will probably take to rehab myself to a point that I would be qualified even at the lowest of levels to remain with my wife. I am/was so messed up, a total double life that resulted in numerous attempted relationships with prostitutes and in strip clubs and I was so delusional that I had convinced myself that those snakes liked me . . .the only thing they liked was my money and I foolishly gave over 100s of thousands of dollars that was not mine to give, stealing it from the very people that I said that I loved the most, my family. It has been 13 months since I was found out . . .I have made significant changes and am by some accounts am doing just fine, but my core is still to take the shortcut, do things that make me look better and like I am ok . . .I need to commit to dedicated change . . .can I do that . . .I'm not sure I can . . .the person who knows me best thinks that I probably can't and honestly if I was betting on it, would probably not even take the points on the game because my patterns are so ingrained, cover, make me look good and just get through it.
Starting over with Lesson 1 . . .can I do this? Will it be enough? Is it too late? Even if I choose to do it, do I have the mental capacity, the basic skills and foundations to follow through with it?



B Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.
[color=#0000FF]
1. Potential saving of marriage - Wife
2. CADaughter
3. CA Soninlaw
4. CAGD1
5. CAGD2
6. NCDAughter
7. NCSoninlaw
8. NCGS1
9. NCGS2
10. Parents /MILaw
11. God's name
12. Mental Health
13. Spiritual Health
14. To be honest
15. To be grateful
16. To be Genuine
17. To do things for others because it is right, not for any personal ego gratification
18. To look at others as valuable human beings
19. Extended Family
20. To see the depravity that I was involve with as the crap that it truly is.
21. To not be a fool
22. To live in peace and not bring pain to our marriage
23. To be able to make amends for the pain my actions have caused
24. Develop Empathy
25. To be faithful
26. To value money / Appreciate the Value of Money
27. To develop patience
28. To be unselfish.
29. To have self control
30. To be attentive and not complacent.
31. To live in the here and now.
32. To listen and actually hear.



Photo:
Feel the innocence of this kid …me . . .let him rebuild with being able to deal with the effects of pornography, dealing with the conflict of thoughts, desires and expectations. Bring this kid back!


Last edited by DBAck on Sat Sep 05, 2015 2:43 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:44 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Exercises 2 and 3 from Lesson 1
2. I probably need to remember my guilt and shame a bit in relation to how it has effected others, but I need to look forward, but its not my guilt and shame but my lack of confidence in my abilities to change that will most likely derail me . . .I say I will keep trying, but the question is at what level? I guess that remains to be seen. I am trying not to be defined by my past, but my past is real and it is ugly, so after hurting my wife so deeply, how can there not be an element of guilt and shame as I watch her suffer each day with the reality of what I have done.

3. I probably have more time than I want to spend on this, both each day and over the years . . .
it is not going to happen overnight I realize, but at this point 13 months into recovery and hopefully, finally getting honest with myself, I most likely don't' have much time to recover and to restore our marriage . . that will be an obstacle, in that, that is the most important thing in my life right now. I know that restoring the marriage is a futile attempt without changing me but I am caught in the vicious cycle of wanting desperately to save our marriage yet knowing that I have to truly get myself fixed first . . .I hope that I am being honest with myself and not just saying it because it sounds good and is the right thing to say, but I hope that however long it takes I will follow through to the end of becoming a functional healthy participant in life . . .The interesting part is that outside of my partner, that is how I am viewed by most, except for the one who knows me best and by myself . .. grant it I don't really have anyone that is very close to me at all and in the other relationships that I have, they are not close enough to really see me . . .when I am seen, I am not very pretty to look at.
So all that said, I have no time, but then again all the time in the world.What will I choose to do?


Last edited by DBAck on Sat Sep 05, 2015 2:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:39 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Developing a Vision for Life - Step One
Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.
As we review these visions, what we will be looking for is the following:
1) Is it practical or is it idealistic? Practical is what we are shooting for. Idealistic visions feel good, sound good...but they serve very little purpose, other than to create unrealistic goals for which failure is already guaranteed.
2) Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making.


My vision is to BE healthy not just ACT healthy,to be a contributing member of my marriage, my family and the world that I live in. BECOME that person, not intellectually or in appearance only, but internally, automatically and genuinely.I cannot take shortcuts in this process. I see myself doing this by focusing on being faithful, truthful, honest, grateful, patient, kind, unselfish, listening, being attentive, living in the present and looking forward with a positive outlook without forgetting the destructiveness of my past betrayals to my wife and family, bringing as much peace as possible to those around me, empathetic to the destruction that I have created in in my life and to my wife, developing self control and showing characteristics of love each day.

How? Continue to work on practical applications

• By expressing my love to my wife each day.
(Start each day with an expression of love and a expressed focus of living in the present and rightly for the future.)
• Remember each day the results of being faithful.
(Being trusted, respected and genuinely thought of as a responsible human being)
• Tell the truth each day, all day.
( Actually and by omission)
• Listen with empathy, patience with an understanding of the history that I have left.
( Look in people's eyes, focus on what they are saying, not my response, remember what were the results of the lying, cheating stealing from my family, and being with the whores)
• Be above reproach . . .how will this look to my wife, to others if they do not know exactly what I am doing.
Move the chair in a different, let her know where I am going, be in the right places at the right times.
• Look at things from my wife's point of view . . .
Internalize the values of money for purposes of healthy living and for making amends. What does what I am doing even remotely look like to her?
• Be nice. Genuinely think of others before I think of myself.
( How will what I am going to do or say effect them)
• Have first thoughts during the day of what can I do to create peace.
( Be Kind, Understanding, Looking at my wife's needs ahead of my own, Don't shut down when discouraged or frustrated)
• ACT . . . Accept the issues and situations that come my way . . .Consider the appropriate value that a decision would support, Take action . . choose do the right thing!


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Aug 16, 2015 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 3:23 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thoughts on creating a vision
Don't let things go overnight without making an effort to resolve . . .communicate in some way to start each day.
Remember and focus on what it was like to be faithful . . .don't forget the results of being unfaithful. Be faithful.
Tell the truth, even if it is not believed. But be believable and don't put myself into situations that would cause any doubt that I am not telling the truth. This morning was just plain stupid with my inquiry at the bank, innocence but stupid. I need to remember that she sees things from the history books and lessons that I have left . . .what else should she think based on what I have done other than I am begin deceitful or quitting and looking at escape routes?
Look before I do pretty much anything on how what I am going to do will be perceived . . . have first thoughts during the day on what I can do to create peace . . keep in mind the things above this sentence in trying to create peace.

Don't shut down or sulk . . .even when reminded of the life I lived, when frustrated when discouraged. Find that place between discouraged, grieved, frustrated with my actions and complacency of everything is all better.

As situations present themselves evaluate how this lines up to my values of honesty, caring, love and making amends and respond in line with those values. When these don't come naturally do them in line with the value, when they come, naturally be glad that I am moving the right direction.


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Aug 16, 2015 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:54 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
DB
this time we go for broke
ingraining what we take from each lesson is important in particular with the earlier lessons, you will have a good handle on these
but do remember that recovery is a journey and yo undertake a journey you do need to keep moving
if you need help ask
you know the community will help
in particular when we see your dogged I will not give up approach

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:54 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Respond to this . . .

Quote:
DB
this time we go for broke
ingraining what we take from each lesson is important in particular with the earlier lessons, you will have a good handle on these
but do remember that recovery is a journey and yo undertake a journey you do need to keep moving
if you need help ask
you know the community will help
in particular when we see your dogged I will not give up approach

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


and

Quote:
You need to get serious about your life. Take some time to really think about these questions: what do I want to do with my life? What kind of person do I want to be? What do I want to accomplish, with my remaining days? These are the questions that are important. Then, once you've actually discovered a few things you really value (aside from your partner...you cannot want to recover only for your partner) and connected to meaning, then restarting would be a good idea. But honestly, if you do not really want to change, then restarting the workshop will be wasting your own time. So consider that question very carefully: do I really want to change? If you do...even if you do not entirely believe it to be possible at this point...then commit to that change and start working in that direction. Otherwise, you are going to continue floundering around.


OK I am in . . .in for all the rounds . . .I want to have a healthy life, whether that means being together or not, I still need to be healthy and be a productive piece of life for the rest of my lfe . . If I am not healthy I lose on both accounts . . living and living with my family . . .If I am healthy at least I have life and a shot at being with my wife.

I will continue to change and grow . . I will not give up on me or on us . . .I am committed to the change process . . . avoid shortcuts! Take my time . . it will work out. The writing that I did yesterday helped in establishing my fears and my concerns . . .yes there are still fears and still concerns . . .take on the challenges as they come . . .deal with them and respond in relation to healthy values . . .I am in.


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 12:59 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Yesterday I was overcome by feelings and the realization of my gratefulness and was humbled by the fact that I was able to hug and kiss my wife as I left for the day. That will only happen if I am faithful to the process of becoming healthy . . .it won't guarantee it but it will never happen if I shortcut the process.

I won't give up on us. She is a treasure. I am also worth the effort to make the possibility of of us to continue to be a possibility and whatever the outcome I will still come out ahead . . .more healthy.

The continuing realization that I need to continue to commit to the process, for my own sake plus to keep the possible restoration of us possible . . I know I am repeating myself here a bit, but dealing with my head, sometimes it takes repeating.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:56 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Quote:
On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see this example values list.
C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:
1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.


Quote:
There is no more room for appearances. If you are to end your addiction, the changes that you are making now must be real...and they must be sincere
.

My vision is to BE healthy not just ACT healthy,to be a contributing member of my marriage, my family and the world that I live in. BECOME that person, not intellectually or in appearance only, but internally, automatically and genuinely.I cannot take shortcuts in this process. I see myself doing this by focusing on being faithful, truthful, honest, grateful, patient, kind, unselfish, listening, being attentive, living in the present and looking forward with a positive outlook without forgetting the destructiveness of my past betrayals to my wife and family, bringing as much peace as possible to those around me, empathetic to the destruction that I have created in in my life and to my wife, developing self control and showing characteristics of love each day.

Extracted from Vision
1. Be Healthy
2. Contribute to Mariage
3. Contribute to Family
4. Contribute to the world
5. Internalize values
6. Be Genuine and compassionate
7. Be Automatic
8. Avoid Shortcuts
9. Be Faithful
10. Be truthful
11. Be honest
12. Be Grateful
13. Be patient
14. Be Kind
15. Be unselfish
16. Listen
17. Be Attentive
18. Live in the Present
19. Look Forward
20. Have positive Outlook
21. Remember the Destruction, remember the result of being faithful
22. Bring Peace
23. Be empathetic to hose that I have devastated
24. Have Self Control.
25. Demonstrate characteristics of Love each day.

Extracted from List to be evaluated . . .
Live integrity
Rebuild positive connections with my wife
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAD
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CA SILaw
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAGD1
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAGD2
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NC D
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NC SIlaw
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NCGS1
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NCGS2
Be dedicated
Show appreciation towards others
Be tenacious in my pursuit of healthy mind
Be charitable
Develop some intellectual depth
Stay active
Be dependable
Be reliable
Be responsibility
Be a role model for my family
Be a role model for others
Live an adventurous life
Be challenged - Overcome challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Strive for Creativity
Strive for excellence
Overcome/survive personal struggles
Improve physical health
Improve physical hygiene/appearance
Develop sexual intimacy
Be passionate about life
Be respected
Be judged trustworthy
Live a humble life
Nurturing grandkids creativity/maturation
Be known as reliable
Improve wisdom
Be resourceful
Appreciate nature
Become more organized
Instilling healthy values in our grandkids
Be adaptable
Handle conflict in a positive way
Improve my social interactions
Take care of others in need
Be realistic
Be Self-disciplined

Quote:
2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.


Selfishness
Insecurity - there was no logical reason for insecurity, but it was there, so I bought whores to satisfy that craving for moments at at time
Self Gratification - whether it was masterbation to escape life and reality for some moments or buy my way into the approval and graces of people that didn't even really matter
Rebellion to Authority - even though they didn't know it I was getting away with something that I was not suppose to . . .getting away with something.
Respect - which was totally disrespect but in my delusional mind I looked at as being respected . . sick .


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:10 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Quote:
Lesson 4 Exercises:
A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.
Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another not an exact representation.

Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.
B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.
Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.


Still need to prioritize . . .
Be Healthy
Contribute to Mariage, family and life
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic
Avoid Shortcuts
Be Faithful
Be Truthful
Be Honest
Be Grateful
Be Kind
Be Patient
Be Humble
Listen and be attentive, living in the present
Be positive and look forward
Bring Peace
Demonstrate Love each day.
Rebuild positive connections with my wife
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family
Be judged trustworthy
Be resourceful and responsible with finances


Remember the Destruction, remember the result of being faithful
Be empathetic to those that I have devastated
Have Self Control.

Live integrity
Rebuild positive connections with my wife
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAD
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CA SILaw
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAGD1
Strengthen and continue positive connections with CAGD2
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NC D
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NC SIlaw
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NCGS1
Strengthen and continue positive connections with NCGS2
Be dedicated
Show appreciation towards others
Be tenacious in my pursuit of healthy mind
Be charitable
Develop some intellectual depth
Stay active
Be dependable
Be reliable
Be responsibility
Be a role model for my family
Be a role model for others
Live an adventurous life
Be challenged - Overcome challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Strive for Creativity
Strive for excellence
Overcome/survive personal struggles
Improve physical health
Improve physical hygiene/appearance
Develop sexual intimacy
Be passionate about life
Be respected
Be judged trustworthy
Live a humble life
Nurturing grandkids creativity/maturation
Be known as reliable
Improve wisdom
Be resourceful
Appreciate nature
Become more organized
Instilling healthy values in our grandkids
Be adaptable
Handle conflict in a positive way
Improve my social interactions
Take care of others in need
Be realistic
Be Self-disciplined


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 10:59 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Lesson 4 Part B

Code:
 When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.
Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.


Top Fifteen . . .

Be Healthy
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic
Avoid Shortcuts
Be Honest
Be Truthful
Bring Peace
Demonstrate Love each day.
Contribute to Mariage, family and life
Listen and be attentive, living in the present
Be positive and look forward
Rebuild positive connections with my wife
Be judged trustworthy
Be resourceful and responsible with finances
Be Grateful
Be Kind
Be Patient
Be Humble
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family
Be Faithful


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 1:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.


Code:
"Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?"


Be Healthy - Yes emotionally make improvements in physical health, not totally committed to physical yet . . .
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic - Yes this could be a slow process . . so many things ingrained that were not healthy
Avoid Shortcuts - again, could be slower process than faster . . shortcuts have worked for me in some areas . .when they have not worked they have been devastating . . for long term health I need to eliminate them
Be Honest - Yes . . .watch for the omission factors
Be Truthful - I need to examine the difference in honest and truth
Bring Peace - I want this . . .because of my actions and what I have done, just my presence may make this one difficult
Demonstrate Love each day - Yes, make this a priority
Contribute to Mariage, family and life - Yes, don't shut down and if I am shut down, come back in an appropriate amount of time, not too long
Listen and be attentive, living in the present - Yes . . .focus and listen, use key words more to remember
Be positive and look forward - Yes as much as possible, do not linger in the past
Rebuild positive connections with my wife - Yes, this must be by actions, not words
Be judged trustworthy - This is a very long term goal, no quick fix here
Be resourceful and responsible with finances - Yes, just don't make independent decisions
Be Grateful - Yes, consider where I could/should be
Be Kind - Yes recognize what I have done, and who has the right to be upset
Be Patient - Yes, again recognized what I have done and see the fact that she has the right to be upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad or mad
Be Humble - Yes, do not preach, teach or tell her what to do.
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family - Yes, as often as possible contribute to strengthen those ties
Be Faithful - Yes, Focus on Her . . .on what is right in conjunction with my values.


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Aug 23, 2015 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 5:20 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Code:
]B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.



B. These are the values that I had in my mind when we were married, when I took jobs, when I formed friendships . . .Looking back I now realize that I was taking shortcuts and I was not completely honest and truthful as to every aspect of my life and have struggle to internalize the values, rather I recognized the need to form but often practiced them only when I had to to be thought of in a positive way. I also did not fully contribute to my marriage emotionally and again looking back have not invested myself in interpersonal relationships in a way that were sustainable. I had all of these attributes in my mind and had figured out how to appear that they were present, but often times I was an imposter.



Be Healthy - Yes emotionally make improvements in physical health, not totally committed to physical yet . . .
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic - Yes this could be a slow process . . so many things ingrained that were not healthy
Avoid Shortcuts - again, could be slower process than faster . . shortcuts have worked for me in some areas . .when they have not worked they have been devastating . . for long term health I need to eliminate them
Be Honest - Yes . . .watch for the omission factors
Be Truthful - I need to examine the difference in honest and truth
Bring Peace - I want this . . .because of my actions and what I have done, just my presence may make this one difficult
Demonstrate Love each day - Yes, make this a priority
Contribute to Mariage, family and life - Yes, don't shut down and if I am shut down, come back in an appropriate amount of time, not too long
Listen and be attentive, living in the present - Yes . . .focus and listen, use key words more to remember
Be positive and look forward - Yes as much as possible, do not linger in the past
Rebuild positive connections with my wife - Yes, this must be by actions, not words
Be judged trustworthy - This is a very long term goal, no quick fix here
Be resourceful and responsible with finances - Yes, just don't make independent decisions
Be Grateful - Yes, consider where I could/should be
Be Kind - Yes recognize what I have done, and who has the right to be upset
Be Patient - Yes, again recognized what I have done and see the fact that she has the right to be upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad or mad
Be Humble - Yes, do not preach, teach or tell her what to do.
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family - Yes, as often as possible contribute to strengthen those ties
Be Faithful - Yes, Focus on Her . . .on what is right in conjunction with my values.

Code:
C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life


They are realistic . . .I think I am being honest when I assessed each of the values . . .I know that I can get discouraged when not recognized for my little successes, but each of these values and attributes is realistically within my reach . . .


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 5:31 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Quote:
Lesson 6 Exercise:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. Post these plans into your recovery thread


Code:
Be Healthy - Yes emotionally make improvements in physical health, not totally committed to physical yet . . .

Work through RN program . . .work each day

Code:
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic - Yes this could be a slow process . . so many things ingrained that were not healthy

Assess on a daily basis . . .how has this been internalized . . what specific thing did I do that I just did, not having to go through a lengthy process

Code:
Avoid Shortcuts - again, could be slower process than faster . . shortcuts have worked for me in some areas . .when they have not worked they have been devastating . . for long term health I need to eliminate them


When tempted to skip ahead dont't

Code:
Be Honest - Yes . . .watch for the omission factors


At the risk of being wrong be honest . . .be honorable above reproach

Code:
Recognize and accept the Truth

Accept the truth . . what are the facts . . .how are things really played out and received by others . . am I still living in a fantasy world that just is accommodating to to my needs and not the needs of other . . .particularly my family.

Code:
Bring Peace - I want this . . .because of my actions and what I have done, just my presence may make this one difficult


I am not sure how to change this . . .there is a possible solution but that will have to be over an extended period of time . . .when I have opportunity do things at least through my actions promote peace . . .that can be difficult because again just my presence brings ups turmoil in almost every area of my life with my mate.

Code:
Demonstrate Love each day - Yes, make this a priority


Act with respect . . .respect the requests of my mate . . .but even here, don't be surprised if that interpretation of expectations is perceived to be wrong.

Code:
Contribute to Mariage, family and life - Yes, don't shut down and if I am shut down, come back in an appropriate amount of time, not too long


This may be further off than closer . . .there is not an overwhelming desire for me to give input . . .go for support and helpfulness at this point.


Code:
Listen and be attentive, living in the present - Yes . . .focus and listen, use key words more to remember


Be patient . . .respond to what I hear in action more than words . . .but know that my interpretation may be wrong or perceived as wrong

Code:
Be positive and look forward - Yes as much as possible, do not linger in the past


This is a tricky one, while recognizing the past, this cannot be perceived as celebration . . .but for my own sake I need to look at the possibilities and not be bogged down with the horridness of the past.

Code:
Rebuild positive connections with my wife - Yes, this must be by actions, not words


Actions, Actions, Actions . . .and don't be surprised if they are not received immediately or even long term . . .there is the factor of how I am perceived no matter what.

Code:
Be judged trustworthy - This is a very long term goal, no quick fix here


If I say I am going to do something, do that . . . if I say I am not having lunch because I spent money foolishly somewhere else don't have lunch . . .follow through . . .if for no other reason than the discipline of following through with something


Code:
Be resourceful and responsible with finances - Yes, just don't make independent decisions


Is what I am doing lining up with making amends?

Code:
Be Grateful - Yes, consider where I could/should be


Be thankful and express that thanks for little things, for big things, for anything.

Code:
Be Kind - Yes recognize what I have done, and who has the right to be upset


There is only one person that has be hurt here . . .be kind no matter what

Code:
Be Patient - Yes, again recognized what I have done and see the fact that she has the right to be upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad or mad


This is not going to happen overnight . . .it may not happen over a fortnight.

Code:
Be Humble - Yes, do not preach, teach or tell her what to do.


Just accept the words . .good or bad.

Code:
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family - Yes, as often as possible contribute to strengthen those ties




Code:
Be Faithful - Yes, Focus on Her . . .on what is right in conjunction with my values.


Look at the positive aspects of a healthy relationship . . .all others have been devastating.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 10:58 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Values and Focus Plan . . .Assessment / How

• Be Healthy –
Assessment - Yes, emotionally and related to positive values
Make improvements in physical health, not totally committed to physical yet . . .

How- Live by these values, Focus on these values by reading through them each day, Address the parts that are difficult to accomplish each day. Work through RN program, . . .work on something related to recovery each day.

• Internalize values and be genuine and automatic –
Assessment -Yes this could be a slow process. . . so many things ingrained that were not healthy

How - Assess on a daily basis . . .how has this been internalized . . what specific things did I do today, not having to go through a lengthy process of making a healthy decision.

• Avoid Shortcuts –
Assessment - Again, could be slower process than faster . . shortcuts have worked for me in some areas . .when they have not worked they have been devastating . . for long term health I need to eliminate them.

How - When tempted to skip ahead don't. Identify a place each day that I took a short cut and identify a day when I did not take a short cut.

• Be Honest –
Assessment - Yes . . .watch for factors of omission

How - At the risk of being wrong be honest . . .be honorable, above reproach. Wherever I go, ask what this even looks like, what appearance MIGHT it give.

• Recognize and Accept the Truth
Assessment - Look at what is true . . .don’t fall into delusion . . .

How - Accept the truth . . . what are the facts . . .how are things really played out and received by others . . am I still living in a fantasy world that just is accommodating to my needs and not the needs of other . . .particularly my family.

• Bring Peace –
Assessment - I want this . . .because of my actions and what I have done, just my presence may make this one difficult

How - I am not sure how to change this . . .there is a possible solution but that will have to be over an extended period of time . . .when I have opportunity do things at least through my actions promote peace . . .that can be difficult because again just my presence brings ups turmoil in almost every area of my life with my mate.

• Demonstrate Love each day –
Assessment - Yes, make this a priority

How - Act with respect . . .respect the requests of Annette . . .but even here, don't be surprised if that interpretation of expectations is perceived to be wrong.

• Contribute to Mariage, family and life –
Assessment - Yes, don't shut down and if I do start to shut down, come back in an appropriate amount of time, not too long

How - This may be further off than closer . . .there is not an overwhelming desire for me to give input . . .go for support and helpfulness at this point.


• Listen and be attentive, living in the present –
Assessment - Yes . . .focus and listen, use key words more to remember

How - Be patient . . .respond to what I hear in action more than words . . .but know that my interpretation may be wrong or perceived as wrong

• Be positive and look forward –
Assessment - Yes as much as possible, do not linger in the past

How - This is a tricky one, while recognizing the past, this cannot be perceived as celebration . . .but for my own sake I need to look at the possibilities and not be bogged down with the horridness of the past.

• Rebuild positive connections with my wife –
Assessment - Yes, this must be by actions, not words

How - Actions, Actions, Actions . . .and don't be surprised if they are not received immediately or even long term . . .there is the factor of how I am perceived no matter what.

• Be judged trustworthy –
Assessment - This is a very long term goal, no quick fix here

How - If I say I am going to do something, do that . . . if I say I am not having lunch because I spent money foolishly somewhere else don't have lunch . . .follow through . . .if for no other reason than the discipline of following through with something


• Be resourceful and responsible with finances –
Assessment - Yes, just don't make independent decisions

How - Is what I am doing lining up with making amends?

• Be Grateful –
Assessment - Yes, consider where I could/should be

How - Be thankful and express that thanks for little things, for big things, for anything.

• Be Kind –
Assessment - Yes recognize what I have done, and who has the right to be upset

How - There is only one person that has be hurt here . . .be kind no matter what

• Be Patient –
Assessment - Yes, again recognized what I have done and see the fact that she has the right to be upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad or mad

How - This is not going to happen overnight . . .it may not happen over a fortnight.

• Be Humble –
Assessment -Yes, do not preach, teach or tell her what to do.

How - Just accept the words . .good or bad.

• Strengthen and continue positive connections with the family – Assessment - Yes, as often as possible contribute to strengthen those ties

How -
• Be Faithful –
Assessment - Yes, Focus on Her . . .on what is right in conjunction with my values.

How - Look at the positive aspects of a healthy relationship . . .all others have been devastating.


Last edited by DBAck on Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 10:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Deal with excuses and actually making the changes, not just talking about them


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 92 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 7  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group