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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 38
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 5:46 pm 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

The situations probably revolve around eating . . .I think these are situations where I felt that I had control and they were not immoral but at the same time probably not good for me . . .

The other situations probably are centered around hanging out with other people in time that is probably a waste of time . . my excuse . .I get overloaded and just need down time . . what has my downtime produced? Probably not much good.

If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.

I probably need to eat better . . .I think it is about control . . .I like to be in control but often times do not handle the authority that I have in a productive manner

I need to think more about this . . .

PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 12:48 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Lesson 39 Exercise:

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
Your first step in redeveloping healthy sexual values is to brainstorm a list of all sexually-related values that you currently hold. Don't worry about how socially acceptable this list may be, nor concern yourself with whether a particular value is healthy or unhealthy. Your goal here is only to identify your current thoughts/attitudes relating to your own sexuality.
Some Examples:

Anal sex is disgusting

My sex drive is unusually strong
Sex should be for love, not entertainment
Sex is always wrong outside of marriage

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending

I will only engage in sexual behavior that I choose to willingly.
I will only engage in sexual activity with my partner
I will never engage in sexual behavior that places my sexual partner or myself in physical, legal or social danger
I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer

Step 3 Define a Beginning
As you now have a slightly better vision of where you are headed, it is time to identify where you are starting. In order to develop your sexual values, you must begin that process of change. Somewhere. Anywhere. And so your next step is to pick the spot at which you will begin this change. How?

Step 4 Define Your Existing Vulnerabilities
With the knowledge of where your current sexual values are, coupled with the goals you are striving for, it becomes necessary to identify potential obstacles that will need to be overcome in order for you to successfully reach these goals. You will not be able to identify all potential obstacles, nor should you try. This step requires only that you look ahead to identify the most realistic obstacles that you might face. Additionally, it is intended to address only those obstacles that will keep you from achieving the developmental goals set forth in Step Two. For the same reasons as set forth above, trying to address all possible obstacles simultaneously will serve only to overwhelm and confuse — and so a more limited focus should be maintained for now. Remember, you must give yourself permission to take the time to relearn these things — and trying to do so too fast will leave whatever you might learn as an intellectual victory only. It is the ingraining of what you learn that will make the difference in your life.
With each obstacle identified, an action plan should be developed (not now) that will outline exactly the course of action that you will take should such an obstacle appear. This will be explained in greater detail in the Action Plans area of the workshop. For now, you have successfully completed this step when you have identified the most common, or the most likely obstacles that you will face in developing new sexual values.

Step 5 Ask for Feedback
No matter how capable you may already be in accurately defining healthy sexual values, if you have struggled with sexual addiction or sexually compulsive behavior, there is a good chance that your perceptions have become significantly distorted. Step Five suggests that you take your list of healthy sexual values and discuss them with someone you trust. Someone whom you respect in terms of their ability to provide accurate feedback on healthy sexual behavior. And while this is not a required step in the developmental process, in can be a valuable one — as objective observers can provide feedback to you in terms of identifying critical sexual values that you may have overlooked, skewed perceptions of current values that you hold and/or reassurance that you are on the right track.
The list that you will want feedback on is the one developed in Step Two: Define an Ending. This list is critical because it will allow you to start moving in the right direction from the very beginning. Depending on the level of trust you have with this person (or people), you may also want to review Step Three as well. If you have extreme trust (or complete anonymity), you may also consider discussing the entire list developed in Step One — as there are few better ways of learning than to receive constructive, objective feedback regarding unknown errors in our thinking.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
Step six begins the active learning process. In Step Three, you defined the beginning of your sexual values by acknowledging those existing values that are geared to help you reach your immediate developmental goals. By no means is this the extent of value base, as you continue to hold many ingrained healthy and unhealthy sexual values that have yet to be addressed...or were eliminated in a previous step. This is okay, as the early developmental process requires that we focus on the process of learning, as opposed to the changing of your values in their entirety. And so, steps six through thirteen can be seen in more of a looping process. While we will be working with an individual value through each of these steps, you will eventually run each sexual value that you are developing through this loop. Many will even be in such development simultaneously.
Step six requires that you select a single sexual value from your current foundation of sexual values to begin actively developing. Because we are beginning with the values from step three, we can be comforted that we are starting out with a relatively healthy value...and so our goal here will be to strengthen it, as opposed to changing/eliminating it. Eventually, you will move to unhealthy and/or unknown values that you wish to add, modify or remove from your personal foundation.
Example: "I do not want to use porn to replace my sexual partner."

Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
With the value being developed selected, it is time to create the rules that you will use to protect this value.
"I will not use porn at home."
"I will not use porn more than once per week."
"After masturbating with porn, I will be honest with my partner when they approach me for sex and I am not in the mood."
"I will only engage in porn when my partner is present."
"I will engage in porn only when my partner has first turned me down for sex."
Are these adequate boundaries to protect the value of, "I don't want to use porn to replace my sexual partner."? Probably not. In fact, several of these boundaries are fairly unhealthy (by design) to illustrate the point that you do not have to strive for perfection as you develop your own boundaries. Your role is to do the best that you put down what you believe will best protect the value under development — given your current state of sexual awareness. It is the LEARNING PROCESS that will continue to refine and rebuild these boundaries into more healthy, useful ones. The only way you can go wrong here is to hold back your development by intentionally listing boundaries that you know to be unhealthy. All others will be refined in the developmental process itself.

Step 8 Observe Others
Observing others can be a great way to learn from both healthy and unhealthy people alike. As you go about your life, take note of the sexual values that you see in others, then filter those values into your current foundation. This is where books, observation, interviewing skills and the like can pay great dividends in your development. Every single person, every relationship, every social event is an opportunity for you to observe the values of others in action, and then filter them through your existing values. Of course, taking advantage of every opportunity to observe the values of others is a mental health disaster in the making. And so, the important point in observation is to recognize that the opportunities to learn are always there; not that you must learn from every opportunity. Spend every minute of every day trying to learn from those around you and you will experience little if any personal development. Spend ten minutes here...fifteen minutes hour or two on the week-ends observing the values in others...filtering those values through your existing foundation...redefining them to further personalize their meaning in your life...and you will experience certain growth.
The observation of others does not stop at merely observing them. Reading books that describe such values...interviewing people whom you admire about how they developed their values...observing yourself as you continue to develop...learning from those who possess values that you do not want to include in your own life. These are all highly recommended ways of furthering your own ability to develop your existing values.

Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Similar to the previous step, Step Nine consists of your willingness to consciously seek out opportunities to apply your current sexual values. This might involve reliving past situations, role-playing potential situations that you might someday face, or the most effective way — evaluating current situations in real time. The reason the latter is so effective is that it provides you with the means of receiving immediate emotional satisfaction, and allows you to learn from the consequences of making decisions based on your developing value system.

Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
The next step in the value development process, is to learn from the consequences of the decisions that you make. This issues is explored in depth in the upcoming lessons on Decision-Making.

Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Just as you did in Step Five, it is important to continue asking others for feedback on your developing values/boundaries. Just as addiction was a pattern that developed over time...just as the building of a healthy foundation will be the result of a pattern that develops over time...the return to addiction is something to be aware of. This is best done by addressing your existing values on an ongoing basis, and receiving feedback from others to ensure that you are not actually redeveloping unhealthy sexual values, as opposed to healthy ones.

Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 13 Update Your List of Vulnerabilities
With changes in your values/boundaries come potential changes in the obstacles you may face as you continue to develop. Keep this reality at the forefront of your development by making regular checks for such obstacles, and refining the action plans that accompany them.

Step 14 Return to Step Seven
As mentioned, value development is a long process that will continue for the remainder of your life. That does not mean that you must put forth a conscious, sustained effort for the remainder of your life, only that development will occur slowly, through a process of change. And once that process is ingrained, it will continue on naturally for the remainder of your life. Initially however, such a process of value redevelopment — ANY VALUE REDEVELOPMENT — does require conscious, sustained effort.

Last edited by DBAck on Fri Feb 05, 2016 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2016 12:30 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Reviewing Boundaries and Rituals and realizing how I so often step over them, how I fall into them . . .keep this day in mind . . .

So for the past few days I have been trying to give my wife space during the day, not being consumed with having to be with her all of the time, not being a ball and chain around her life . . .staying away and not being cumbersome to her . . .facing reality a bit that she doesn't' want to be around me.

So, it was working alright for her . . .actually, probably very good for her but a bit anxious and depressing for me and dealing with the reality of rejection and the reality of her not really wanting to be around me at all and living my life in the truck, in parks or the library, visiting my parents. . .but me being thankful for the bits and pieces of time that I do get to be with her and a place to rest at night . . .

Today I left before she got up so she could get ready in peace and went out to call on a to a client, made some phone calls to other clients. During one of my calls that was very stressful, I reverted to a terrible habit, one that she detests, of picking at a scab . . .that resulted in needing to stop and get a bandaid, so I stopped at a hotel lobby along the way and put that on so I would not pick at it any longer . . .took another call a few minutes later, so I pulled into a parking lot took the call and after feeling pretty good about the call and solutions made during that call, saw a donut shop and went in and bought a donut . . .when I finally reconnected with my wife, I was confronted with the reality of what I had actually done . . . looking back I knew what I was doing was wrong all along . . I just minimized it all. In the end . . no peace for her at all.

Now the translation . . .

• We had just been in a conversation two days ago about the picking of scabs . . .I was wrong . . .no self control! Not a healthy lifestyle . . disgusting actually.
• Many months ago . . . probably 12-15 months ago we made an agreement that I was not to go into any hotel by myself because of what it represents, the fact that hotels were the location of much of my activity with prostitutes . . .I was wrong to stop there for the band aid . . .on the surface it was nothing . . .going into someplace for a band aid . . .but that was not the agreement . . .I was prideful and felt like I could handle it . . .I was wrong . . .what it represented was evil from my past and fostered a lack of trust and respect for my wife's feeling and for how I need to follow through with my actions . . .it was an “in your face”, I’m going to do what I want to do and I am in control.
• I have access to virtually no money after the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I squandered, stole and wasted on prostitutes . . .I actually negotiated down the price of the donut I bought from 85 cents to 55 cents because that is all that I had in the truck . . . but we had agreed that I would not have ANY indulgences at all outside of in our home or when we were together (and I have had incredible indulgences over the past 18 months with my wife) . . .in an effort to recognize and remember the foolishness of how I stole and squandered money over many years . . I was wrong! I again was establishing in my mind that I was in control . . . what a joke . . . I have not been in any real control of myself for way too long.

In my recovery/messed up mind stopping to get a bandaid was just a simple solution to a problem . . .actually it was not . . as I walked in the lobby door, I said to myself, what am I doing here . . .this is wrong . . .but I did it anyway . . .it was a breach of trust and respect because I had agreed to not be in a hotel without my wife. It was me saying I am in control, I am big stuff! . . .what a delusion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, stopping to have a 55 cent donut was really nothing in comparison to the to $1000s I paid a prostitute . . it was not . . . as I walked in the shop I wondered if she was watching me . . . it was a total breach of trust and respect and disregard for the value of money and something that I had agreed to not do . . I was wrong.
I was showing my wife that I was in control . . .what a delsuion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, the picking was just disgusting and a terrible habit but in reality as I was doing it I was thinking what an idiot . . . it was an affront to what we had just talked about, I had no self control following our discussion of it a couple of days earlier. I was wrong.

I need to recognize the rituals, routines and patterns that I let control me over many years . . . the objectifying women, the abuse that I instilled on women, the betrayal of my bride, the foolish living, the deceit, the stealing are not the all-consuming things that they were . . .but these little things are still reflections and indicators of what got me there and I need to recognize that on the surface they may appear to be little but they in fact are still in place bigger than I would like to admit and they need to be confronted and conquered.

I need to Accept that these feelings, emotions and patterns will come into my life and confront me . . .I need to Consider the healthy options that I have available to me to respond to them and recognize the devastation that came from choosing the foolish options in the past, even in the little things and then I need to take action and choose a healthy solution and reaction to what has come my way.

Yesterday I was at the beach with the grandkids and they wanted to dig a personal pool for each of them at the waters edge as the tide was going out . . .we began digging the holes, but as we dug it seemed like 3/4 of the wet sand that we took out kept coming back into the hole with each scoop we took out . . .occasionally a wave would come over the hole and it almost completely filled once again . . .we kept digging and watching the sand come back into the hole . . .eventually we did ok as the tide went out a little more and eventually got to a place where they could sit in the hole and have their legs under water . . .it was not what they set out to do but it is what we ended up with . . . as I watched the sand come back into the hole and thought of how my life in many ways is still like that.

I feel like I am doing OK most of the time, but then I let these days of scooping sand and having most of it refill the hole due to the idiocy of my decision making, return . . .I need to keep scooping the sand . . .when waves hit, I need to keep shoveling . . .remember the fact that by giving up, the hole will eventually just be taken over by the sand . . .keep scooping . . .it is the only option and solution

Do what I say that I am going to do . . .respect the boundaries of my wife . . .respect the boundaries that I set for myself . . .when I get the attitude that its not that big of thing, that just communicates that I am minimizing what I have done . . .its all a big thing . . . I have betrayed trust, respect and honesty . . .I need to treat it as such.

Consider the healthy options the healthy choices . . .consider what is right given where I have been and where I need to go.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2016 11:01 pm 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Lesson 43 Exercise: Next time
There are two tools you are encouraged to use in helping to develop efficient urge awareness skills.

A. The first tool is the Community Support Forum. Use this forum to discuss your urges, receive support and guidance, and learn from the experiences of others in their urge awareness development. Write about it

B. The second is the Urge Control Awareness Form. Use this form any time that you have experienced a 'significant' compulsive urge. This form will facilitate the process of developing the right awareness needed to accurately process each urge. Fill this out

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 44
PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:22 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Returning to how the core identity functions… translated below . . .
When I am healthy my core identity involves the development of multiple positive values and boundaries — each of these have been reinforced and refined by experience. When I am unhealthy, which has been much of the time . . .this development has also taken place, except that the values and boundaries that I have developed focus on immediate gratification, rather than long term stability and fulfillment. The application of my values have been immature. A main purposes of internalizing values is to reinforce my decision-making, and this skill has suffered the same faulty development . . .I have been able to fake my way through many of these situations in the past, but it has not been healthy or profitable to me or our family in any way shape or form.

Exercise 44
For a moment, imagine your life apart from your physical being...apart from your possessions...apart from your friends, your family and every other living being. What you are left with is your core identity. It is who you are. It is this identity that then allows you to relate to your physical self, your friends, your family... As you know by now, part of the role you must fulfill in transitioning away from addiction is to rebuild your core identity. This core identity — and your ability to isolate the addiction from it — is critical to urge control.

That is still a bit of a scary thought . . .

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.
The longer I live these situations the closer I believe I am getting to internalizing these values . . .there are still times however that I feel like the puppy that is let out in the field to run free . . .but I am an old dog and seem to fall into crevices fairly easily . . .I need to just stay on the path, not wander off and remember the pitfalls that come with fallen into the crevices . . .its getting almost impossible to get out of the crevices . . look at the long term effect of what I am doing . . .realize the freedom that actually comes with taking the long view.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
Again, taking the long view of positive values and the destruction that comes with succumbing to the immediate gratification
This evening as we walked through the mall, there were some distractions but it was not difficult to immediately refocus on my wife, on positive conversation on being free to not be enslaved by the visions of foolishness that so often swept me away . . .

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you?
Getting more in tune . . but it is still an effort, it is not automatic
When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision?
I revert to short term gratification mode . . .foolishness!

How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 45
PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:36 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Identifying the impact of emotions in compulsive urges is essential to objectifying that urge. In previous exercises, you have identified compulsive rituals that presented a linear look at your emotional state across a single action. In this lesson, you are being asked to isolate those emotional elements to the point where action can be taken that will break the chain itself.

A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act. If you would like, use the following worksheet to help you: Mapping a Compulsive Ritual

Eating a Donut
I deserve it
I like them
She won';t know
It won't really matter
But it is a part of a bigger discipline
Screw it . .its not that big of thing

B. For each element, consider the likely impact that removing that element from the chain would have on the remainder of the event. Remember, decreasing immediate emotional pleasure (through guilt, fear, suspense, anxiety) is a technique used to ultimately increase the overall pleasure experienced during the act.

Concentrate on the critical piece . . .it is a part of a bigger discipline . .the rest of it are all moot points really. it is a big deal . .getting healthy is a big deal

C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act. Share this in your recovery thread. In the previous exercise, you were to reinforce your ability to identify separate emotional elements in a single compulsive ritual. Here, you will begin to isolate those emotions from your core identity.

There is no point of no return . . .it can always stop!

F. Once the role of the individual element has been identified and isolated from the whole of the experience, it is time to evaluate what is the best action to take in response to this trigger. That will be the point of the next lesson. For now, begin intellectually putting all of the pieces (emotions, values, ritualistic chains, artificial stimulation, etc.) together to solve the puzzle of your addiction. Because it will be when you have mastered the integration of these parts into a functional life management strategy, when you will have put yourself in a position to eliminate the pattern of addiction from your life.

REalize that it is a big deal . .getting healthy is a big deal

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 46
PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:41 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
This next step in urge control is quite simple. It is the transition in thinking from the identification of a time where action can be taken, to the realization that action will be taken. It is the realization that you are in control over whether you continue engaging in your established compulsive ritual, or whether you engage in alternate behavior that will establish new chains — preferably, ones based on values.

What is it worth? Am I going to let some stupid little, when evaluated out, little insignificant thing derail me from my goal of being healthy? I have made those foolish decisions in the past and it has gotten me to this place . . .how about trying something new? It is worth it? Whether found out or not . . .do I want to be healthy . . YES I DO!

PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:44 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and documetn these in your recovery thread.
2. With each scenario:
Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 48
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:09 pm 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Lesson 48 Exercise:

For each of the next three days, find an opportunity to complete each of the three skills mentioned in this lesson: role-playing/visualization; anticipating; actively seeking opportunity. It doesn't matter what you apply these skills to — even if the behavior is unrelated to sexual addiction.

Where to drive

Where to go

Where not to go or drive . . .

. When you feel that you are proficient with how to use each of these skills, say so in your recovery thread.

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 49
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:24 pm 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Life Assessment
General Information:
Life Assessment #:
User Name:
E-mail address:

1. In relation to your general mental health, summarize your progression/regression over the past thirty days:
Sexual part is going pretty well . . .decision making and communication is not too hot

2. Document your experiences with the following:
Past 30 Days
# of Times 0
Days 0
Hours Engaged
A) Masturbation 0

B) Pornography 0

C) Promiscuity 0

D) Transvestism 0

E) Fetishism 0

F) Erotic Fantasy .25

G) Prostitution 0

H) Exhibitionism 0

I) Voyeurism 0

J) Frotteurism 0

K) Ecouterism 0

L) Erotographomania 0

M) Sexual Thievery 0

N) Sadism 0

O) Masochism 0

P) Beastiality 0

Q) Stalking 0

R) Molestation 0

S) Incest 0

T) Rape 0

U) Other

3. Using the scale below, rate the positive impact that your recovery efforts over the past thirty days have had on your:
(1-No effect 2-Slight 3-Moderate 4-Considerable 5-Extreme)
Family (1-5) 3
Friends (1-5) 1
Co-workers (1-5) 1
Career (1-5) 2
Finances (1-5) 5
Romantic Relationships (1-5) 2
Self-esteem (1-5) 2
Stress level (1-5) 2
Time management (1-5) 3
Hobbies (1-5) 1

4. Using the scale below, rate the negative impact that your sexual and/or romantic behaviors over the past thirty days have had on your:
(1-No effect 2-Slight 3-Moderate 4-Considerable 5-Extreme)
Family (1-5) 2
Friends (1-5) 1
Co-workers (1-5) 2
Career (1-5) 2
Finances (1-5) 1
Romantic Relationships (1-5) 3
Self-esteem (1-5) 4
Stress level (1-5) 4
Time management (1-5) 3
Hobbies (1-5) 1

5) Summarize the progress made towards your existing recovery and life goals over the past thirty days:
Sexually it has been not an issue . . .but in communication and understanding of my wife it has not been very good due to my decision making surrounding my points of frustration

6) Describe the closest you came to a slip/relapse over the past month: Nothing really

7) List the most likely relapse triggers you will face in the coming month: Being Alone

8) Approximate (in percentages) the amount of time over the past month that you have spent:
Engaged in value-based (top three values) activity 25
Engaged in value-based (top ten values) activity 25
Engaged in emotion-based, unhealthy Activity 5
Life Maintenance Chores* 25
With Family (Quality) 20
With Friends (Quality) 2
Alone (Quality) 20
Engaged in Unhealthy Sexual Behavior 0
Engaged in Unhealthy Romantic Behavior 0
Self-Improvement/Recovery 25

9) Overall, how would you rate your emotional state over the past thirty days:
a) At it's healthiest: fairly healthy
b) At it's unhealthiest: fairly healthy
c) Overall: fairly healthy

I seem to go in streaks . . .pretty good and then need to be validated for doing pretty good, when that doesn't come I get frustrated . . .when I get frustrated I say stupid things . . .

Last edited by DBAck on Tue Apr 12, 2016 12:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 50
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 12:06 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

Most of the compulsive urges at this point are related to reacting in a negative fashion when I get frustrated in a conversation which brings up issues and scenarios that are in the past to me and/or deal with situations that I no longer have any control over . . .the I should haves are fairly obvious the the opportunity is no longer there to accomplish what should have been done

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

Just letting the conversation go and no reacting seems to be the best scenario, although by not reacting I am sometimes not participating in conversation and thus not communicating

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

Letting the conversation go and not using excuses at all . . ."I'm sorry that my actions and decisions have put all of these things in your head" sometimes works . . .

 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 51
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:30 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Option 1: Click on the image to satisfy your curiosity — Remains an option; value independence; value the right to view porn; value the right to masturbate
Occasionally I have dabbled in this . . .not appropriate . . .far the last two weeks has not been an option . . .focus o devaluing dependence on that and I do not have the right to view anything even close to Porn

Option 2: Delete the image and continue on with other e-mail — Remains an option; proud to tell wife about it; value time management; value maturity; value emotional control
The best option . . .but telling wife would just bring it up and make it an issue . . just do it and know it was right . .self pride

Option 3: Save the image for possible future use — No longer an option; Violates boundary: I will not do anything that I wouldn't feel good telling my wife about openly. No further examination needed
No longer an option

Option 4: Delete the image, but continue on to porn sites — No Longer an Option; Violates boundary: I will act in a way that I would want my son to act if he were in my shoes. No further examination needed
Not an option

Option 5: Wake up partner to discuss the situation — Remains an option; value communication, openness
Just brings it up in her mind again . .an option but not a good option

Option 6: Call sponsor, counselor, etc. to discuss the situation — Remains an option: no values or boundaries violated
An option if need be if option 2 is not sufficient

Option 7: Fantasize/Masturbate to the image before deleting it — Remains an option. Boundaries allow for occasional masturbation/fantasy. Could tell wife about it comfortably.
Not an option

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 1:00 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.

What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.

Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial. For instance, certain Eastern practices where people can isolate the physical pain they are experiencing from their spiritual selves and thus, manage that pain with ease. And no, you can't use that as your example! There are thousands of such potential applications — albeit not as dramatic. Share this in your thread.

What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.

PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 12:35 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Why am I still struggling, why am I still succumbing to the little crap hooks that are out there? Still glancing at Victoria Secret . . .

Because I am scared, because I am fearful, protecting my self from hurt, making me feel better about myself because I have been such a louse, having everything that anyone would want, family, job, status, friends but being involved with behavior that risked it all . . .because I am not confident that giving up everything, giving up all control will result in what I really want, a restored marriage and relationship with my wife, because I still want final say in how things are going to turn out. I know in my mind that I can't be doing this for someone else but doing this for me is still the process by which I want to achieve my ultimate goal of restoration with my wife. No one else that knows us knows . . .just me and her . . .

I know it has to do with lack of focus . . .being complacent . . not keeping being right on the forefront of my mind . . falling back into what is comfortable . . . looking for places that don't confront my past.

I am committed to being a "walking right person" . . .focused on God, living for Him, loving my wife and family . . I am committed to wanting to do things right, but little failures that seem to be a reflection of the big failures that I encountered seem to set me continually back . . .I cannot seem to escape the fact that I did all of these awful things, stole hundreds of thousands from my family, gave the money to scores of whores, betrayed my wife and myself and my family, lived a completely double life that led to a compete moral failure on my part.

I cannot give up, I will not give up desiring restoration of myself and my marriage . . .I am not defined by what I have done . . .I am no longer that person living the double life . . .the layers of crap that I have let strangle me that I thought in so many ways were gone seem to regenerate and grab hold of me in little ways . . .I am not obsessed with sexual desires for other women any longer, not living a secret life but not able to fully escape the past and the effect that it has on my wife . . .how can I move forward?

PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:00 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
not sure what that says about my "type of thinking" I do understand that I have not always thought all that soundly . . .please give an example . . .

OK . . .there are numerous times when I have had to isolate emotions in parts of my life also in presentation situations where I have seen others present masterfully and naturally, but mine seem to be good but not great and although I get complimented on the presentation I know in my heart and mind that it was forced and not totally genuine . . .more of a script or play than actually me . . .I think the same thing happens when I think of how others see me if they knew the truth about me . . .even though I have come across as one way, nice, helpful, knowledgeable etc, I know in my mind that its not true and feel crappy about myself.

Last edited by DBAck on Tue Jul 12, 2016 5:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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