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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:36 pm 
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LESSON 50

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

I do now ask myself if it goes against my value system, and then make a decision, however, what I have found is that it is much easier for me to identify the "main" areas, like viewing porn or perving etc, however, the smaller areas are not as clear for the value based decision-making process and I make some decisions, and then a little while later, I see that the decision I made was not the right one - EG: approaching a situation with understanding and love, as opposed to some frustration; in a conflict situation, having love, but I tend to be aggressive and annoyed etc... I have put in a lot of effort around sexual addiction, however, I am seeing that it affects all my areas of life and not just that one element.

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

When I follow my core values, I feel authentic [something that I have never felt like before] and that I can honestly let the person into my life. I find that when I am being true to my values, I also express a lot of love, and in turn, a lot of connection towards my partner (and myself). When I do not follow my values, I feel angry, annoyed and the conflict situation instead of growth and pulling us close together, ends up taking hours, no one gets heard, and a period of disconnect occurs.

For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

For one, when making a decision based on values, you can trust your identity. And people can trust you. You can develop an identity, you can be consistent, and you can gain emotional balancing with your decisions. People can trust you, you can trust you. Having emotionally based decisions is like the decision making the process of a six-year-old. No stock or trust can be placed in that decision as it can be changed so easily. It is not consistent and also a decision can change once made very easily and according to a plethora of things. People will be scared to trust you as you will not be consistent.

SiD


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thanks for letting me look in to your words . . .good stuff . . .I continue to deal with not being trusted . . .but is that any surprise after the trust that I have broken . . .encouraged by your words to continue to live trustworthy and an always honest life . . .focused on positive, healthy values that provide an inner-personal life that is free of lies whether I am believed or not . . .lying in any way will only destroy any chance of ever being trusted . . .telling the hardest of truths will bring me closer to being trusted that any even insignificant, there is no such thing for me . . .lie.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 11:54 pm 
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Posts: 109
Hi DBack - yes, honesty for a recovering addict is one of the values that have been eroded away the most, as we use lying and manipulation to get what we want, and to a large degree, lie to ourselves about what we doing (at an early stage I feel). Although trust has been broken, it doesn't mean that it can never be repaired if your partner is open for it to be repaired. It will, however, take time, honesty and commitment. Things that you can give them, with effort and commitment on your side. Don't give up. The reward for getting that trust back will be amazing and also meet all your value based goals :):)

LESSON 51

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)

The compulsive chain that I want to focus on today is conflict resolution:
- I do something that annoys/angers partner
- She broaches the subject brings her frustrations/questions to me
- I don't want to accept responsibility
- Conflict escalates, I become stubborn, and then rebel again authority and actively work against it
- Nothing is left "sacred" in the conflict tainting all areas of my life
- I feel that I need to "win" the argument, and I feel that almost anything fine to do so.
- Argument ends hours later, we are further apart, intimacy has been lost, and my partner has pulled away emotionally

I need to identify the point in the ritual chain to consider options when she brings her frustrations to me initially. These options include:
- anger
- annoyance
- victim mentality
- rebellion against authority
- love
- understanding
- putting my ego aside
- mutual respect
- envisioning what I want the conflict to look like when complete

Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

- anger
- annoyance
- victim mentality
- rebellion against authority

In the case of conflict, if there is both a positive and negative influence on my value system (short term), I will choose the one that gives a positive influence at the later stage, so with those choices, one will always have a different effect long term.

Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:

i. You make the decision to act on this option - Conflict goes well, honest, connection and intimacy are built. Our relationship grows hugely.
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option - Conflict escalates, things are said by one or both sides that are not meant, trust is broken and each person is further from the relationship that when the argument began and would need to work on the relationship just to get it to the point it was before.
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others - This would increase accountability with your partner, as you are doing things that you said you would do, and as an addict, that is rare. The connection would be built, and trust would begin to grow. Fear would also be higher, as you have told your partner you would act a certain way, and they would judge you should you not act in the manner that you have said you would.
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret - Your partner can be surprised with how you deal with conflict and may want to test it out more. However because you are not accountable to them, you can go back on your word (to yourself) a lot easier, as no one except you would know that you have made that deal to act in a certain way.

All in all, I feel I need to be accountable for all my actions [pro's and cons] and believe me, there is a lot of cons. But if I really put my ego aside and try my hardest, I feel that my partner will understand and work with me to achieve all my goals. She doesn't expect perfection, however she does expect that certain boundaries are not broken, and that we are always moving up on a positive graph getting close and close.

SiD


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 11:58 pm 
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Posts: 215
Thanks for the encouragement . . .I urge you to participate on a more informal or casual basis on a community post . . .they have been helpful for me.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:31 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 52

isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application

If I understand this correctly, one example would be conflict management in a business environment, where a client could be upset and shout and swear at you, and you can isolate your reactive emotional responses, and converse with them in a healthy calm cool manner, and turn a client from someone who had a huge problem with the product/service to someone who is incredibly loyal to your product/service.

By isolating the emotion, you reduce the time that it would take to sort out the issue, you let the other person be heard as you are not trying to just defend yourself and as a result, you can connect and move forward. Even if you think they are wrong.

SiD


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:33 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 53

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values — and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values — and therefore, a healthy act.

I think a destructive masturbation would be any time that you would not tell your partner about. Something that if you masturbated, you would feel guilty and have to hide it. This can include the anxiety before going to be, even if there are no obvious emotional driving factors, or if there are strong emotional driving factors. Healthy masturbation would I feel acts that include your sexual partner, either during sex or as foreplay. Something that is done with your partner that is intimate and that would bring you closer to each other.

B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

- Conflict Management - is needed and therefore can be healthy or unhealthy.
- Fantasising - Same as masturbation, can be destructive or if fantasising about your partner can be positive
- Caring and leadership - Yo need to listen to your partner, however, if cannot just listen, but rather lead at given times, so this can be a conflict.

SiD


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:24 am 
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Keep plowing through the lessons . . you go!!!


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