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PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:33 pm 
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Lesson 20

The Story thus far
=======================
Childhood to Prepubescent teen:
Birth to 11 years old - Addiction did not exist

(middle school) 13 years old
-First exposure to pornography via Television
-Secretly record playboy show and view in basement when alone
-Began to masturbate with fantasy before going to sleep - experimentation, orgasm not in mind

14 years old
-Discover porn videos on the internet
-Visit sites to view sex scenes from movies, softcore scenes, vid involving video game or cartoon characters
-Began to masturbate more to internet videos instead of fantasy - less experimentation more focus on increasing pleasure

~No traumatic events in middle school. High Anxiety and Extreme fear of the unknown and interacting with people --- fear of Dad?
Self isolation from peers due to anxiety and fear of being emotionally hurt. Porn from experimentation -----> anxiety relief?
=====================

Prepubescent teen to teenager
(High school) 15- 16 years old
-Increased masturbation to internet porn, very little masturbation without. No experimentation, orgasm focused
-Discovery of hardcore porn
-Viewing of porn increased from occassionally when alone to frequently whether alone in house or not.
-still masturbates to porn only when alone in house

17 years old
-Frequent masturbation only to internet porn, none without porn. Orgasm focused
-masturbates whether alone in house or not, sometimes multiple times a day
-unhealthy relationship via first girlfriend

18 years
-Masturbation to strictly hardcore porn. Orgasm focused
-Usually multiple times a day
-Begins to download porn from unsafe sites
-builds collections and tries to find "Perfect clips". Does double takes to make sure downloaded porn doesnt suddently disappear. Becomes OCD about managing porn collection
-Porn viewing goes from an instance or two a day to all throughout the day after school
-Begins watching porn even when not planning on masturbating that day (boredom)

~No trauma via high school besides self inflicted mental trauma. Severe anxeity around people, being myself and sexual, and being viewed as awkward. Self isolation at school, No self made attempts at trying to date or make friends. Isolation from family at home, no self made attempts to connect.
Porn used for connection/intimacy ------Accomplishment, orgasm
Porn considered to be "Reality" or real sex
=====================

Teenager to now
19 Years old - Moves into dorm for first year of college
-Views porn nearly everyday even if not planning on masturbating that day
-views porn even when roommate is in the room, positions self so that roommate cant see
-Masturbates frequently throughout the week - orgasm focused
-Starts downloading extensive amount of porn
-Resorts to porn and masturbation when feeling frustrated, embarassed, and lonely

~porn used to address feelings of low self esteem, inadequacy and loneliness. No attempts to date or rather no interest in normal women out in the real world (fear of getting hurt?). No friends, no interaction with anyone outside and inside class. Feelings of contempt toward people. Porn considered to be "Reality" or real sex.

20 Years old - Moves into apartment
- Views porn in spurts through the day, frequently but not every day. Views even if not planned masturbation
- masturbation is orgasm focused, limited to 1 - 2 times a day through the week
-Discovery of issue regarding usage of porn - Reddit's NoFAP
-Attempt to quit via celibacy - 90 days complete but still watches porn during those 90 days
-Deletes entire porn collection from laptop - tries to quit cold turkey
- installs porn blocker on laptop
-Goes back and forth between redownloading porn and deleting porn
-Masturbation not used to address embarassment or frustration as much as for loneliness

~Porn used to address loneliness. No friends/dating but realization of lack of intimacy. Desire to connect with other emerges, feelings rediscovered - cried for the first time in years. No longer feeling emotionally "dead". Porn considered as entertainment, not "reality".


21 years old - Now
-viewing of porn in spurts - urge based (boredom) - sometimes through the day
-Masturbation to Fantasy and/or porn 1-2 times a week. Sometimes experimentation focused, Sometimes orgasm focused
-Introspection developed, getting better of noticing an urge versus a desire to experiment.
-Masturbation not used to address embarassment and loneliness as much as relief or comfort

~Porn use in flux from experimentation to orgasm focus, not used to address negative feelings as much. Porn not treated as "reality" or as "evil". More responsibility on my actions and choices than blaming on the porn.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 9:17 pm 
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Lesson 21

A. Large goals that didnt work out
- Choosing a career/pursuing different hobbies

For both i tended not to stick with them once discomfort or difficulty began to appear. Career wise I focused on trying to find a job that would be fun or would just fit me. The problem though was that i never dug too deep into any particular vocation, so if something didnt catch my eye or hold my interest enough then I would stop considering that job as a possible option.
Kind of the same with hobbies, I tend to not dig deep into things and if I'm not good at something then I stop doing said thing because it doesnt make me "happy" or I just rationalize that i'm just not good at it.

B. Large goals that did work out
-Addressing my social anxiety by the end of spring semester

I would get extremely anxious around people on campus and class which would leave me feeling deflated and pessimistic until i got home and did something to distract me from those feelings. This semester though I was able to acknowledge those feelings and let them go before my classes were done, thus the day got a bit brighter by the time i went home. I think a huge part of that was me practicing being more introspective pretty much daily, asking myself questions and writing my thoughts down via journal. If that didnt work i'd try a guided meditation using my phone and if that didnt work i'd look up motivation vids then repeat the process. I made a point to keep moving, trying different things till i reasoned myself out of my stupor.

C. Recovery goal
- I want to finish stage 2 of the workshop by July 1st
-Every day that you exercise try to do a lesson before the day is done
-Take more of an active role while going about your rituals and habits, think consciously how you feel and why
-Spend time away from laptop, games, TV. take some time to read or go somewhere quiet and think
-Spend at least 30 min doing something difficult in the morning - practice writing poetry/short story


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2016 9:49 pm 
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Lesson 22
Ritual Measurement

Ritual Measured: Viewing Pornography

Primary Elements:
Suspense, Fantasy, Sensory (visual), Sensory (Touch)

Values Assigned:
Suspense - 2
Fantasy - 3
Sensory (visual) - 3
Sensory - (touch) - 1

Filters Applied:
Suspense
-Time - Increases stimulation, varied time limit - 5
-Intensity - Increases urge to view more dependent on actresses and actions being performed - 7
-Habituation - Decreases stimulation as more videos are viewed and more time is spent on viewing but not much impact nor approaches threshold - 4

Fantasy
-Time - Increases depending on the goal or fetish that the search is focused on. Decreases eventually once goal is realized or unfulfilled - 8
-Intensity - increases urge to search more if goal is realized. Concentration of putting myself in situation on screen increases stimulation - 9
-Habituation - When viewing "goal/fetish" video, stimulation and motivation to search for new video decreases significantly as activity draws out- 8

Sensory (visual)
-Time - stimulation decreases as it approaches threshold, watching too many videos will cross the threshold and kill stimulation - 9
-Intensity - Depending on the situation being performed and how much the actors seem into it, urge to view more will increase somewhat - 6
-Habituation - decreases stimulation as more videos are viewed, approaches threshold frequently - 9

Sensory (Touch)
-Time - increases stimulation no time limit - 4
-Intensity - Not as much of an effect on urge to view more - 3
-Habituation - Not as much of an effect - 2


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2016 9:11 pm 
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Lesson 23
Applying Behavior Measurements to Real Life

Being able to take a minute to think and map out my behaviors in a way that is simple yet effective will increase my chances of recognizing unhealthy thoughts and actions in my day to day life. To measure my behaviors would require expanding the initial action that is causing me stress into as many segments as I can find within it, then determining which of these segments is the most potent out of the bunch in terms of emotional stimulation being pumped through the brain. After finding those select few elements, with the help of some introspection, you can determine the "why" behind what makes the selected elements so impactful. Singling out and Analyzing beneath the surface puts the behavior in a big spotlight as it tries to attempt a prison break. By then you have the "who", the "what", and the "why", which helps clear up the "when" and the where" to give you the chance to catch the behavior or decide to let it run.

cliffnotes
Assessment - who/what
Self Awareness - why
Relapse Prevention - When and Where


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:09 am 
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Lesson 24 - Revised 3/24/17
Identifying Compulsion wheel and elements

My compulsion wheel involves: Sensory, Accomplishment, Fantasy, Orgasm, Power. These would be the main five but i feel suspense may be a factor as well from time to time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
My Major rituals:
#1. Compulsive watching and downloading of porn
Super element - Accomplishment - Finding that perfect scene that details a fetish of mine or that gets me really aroused brings a sense of satisfaction. This is boosted when i download the scene, the accomplishment comes from obtaining this scene before its taken down by the website and promotes a 'collecting' mentality of sorts. This feeling of finding 'rare scenes' promotes me to look for and download scenes even if i am not particularly horny because of the feeling of scarcity, "Getting it while its still available"

Alpha element - Sensory(Visual) - Being able to see sexual acts that turn me on or are risky in real life (Hentai and fetishes). Being able to see internal, xray, or camera angels that are highly stimulating. Being able to see orgasms from certain camera angles.

Beta element - Suspense - I am constantly checking my laptop to see if the scenes are done downloading, pausing any homework or video games i may be participating in. I delay watching video until i have downloaded it so that i can view it in its all its glory and any time i want. If watching video before downloading i may still build suspense if internet connection is slow - wanting to continue watching the scene

1. Feeling of stress from not wanting to do something or feeling of boredom from doing things that lack meaning
2. Open new window on laptop
3. open web blocker and ask for temporary password
4. go to yahoo and retrieve password for web blocker
5. go to porn sites
6. search multiple porn sites for scenes that may be interesting
7. download all scenes that seem interesting
8. play video games or watch movie while waiting for scenes to download
9. keep checking to see if download is done
10. Pause activity, go to laptop and Watch video when done downloading, skip to scenes that feature orgasm and the like
11. File videos away and rename them
12. go back to playing video games, keep laptop on incase more ideas come to mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#2. Masturbating with pornography

Super element - Sensory (physical/visual) - I feel this may be more visual than physical because whenever i masturbate with porn i pay more attention to the video than to my body. My body becomes a vehicle for the video, not paying attention to what makes my body feel good than imagining how the actors are feeling during the scene.

Alpha element - Suspense - prolonging orgasm until the perfect moment during the video for imagined heightened orgasm. suppression of being in tune with body, more about keeping tame until perfect moment

Alpha element - orgasm - usually the goal during sessions. prolonging orgasm until actors on video orgasm as well so as to have an imagined 'shared orgasm'

Beta element - accomplishment - from having a strong orgasm, being able to masturbate AND orgasm without anyone knowing. Cleaning up, deleting videos, promising to do better next time. Sense of Overreaching idealism that i will resist all temptations to make up for relapse.

Beta element - power - masturbating while moving in a way to match with a video and believe that i am dominating the actress. combined with orgasm and fantasy.

1. Feeling of apathy towards life or significant emotional distress
2. Look for something on laptop to level out my depression
3. open new window and type in porn websites
4. search for porn scenes that i have deleted previously but found very stimulating
5. grab a spare shirt from closet
6. grab lube or tissues
7. lay shirt down on bed, lay on shirt
8. squeeze out a bit of lube and start masturbating to the video
9. Try to not make orgasm a priority but crave for orgasm or relief from stress
10. skip through multiple videos to 'prove' to myself that i wont masturbate to orgasm even if i masturbate to all the videos ive downloaded
11. masturbate to orgasm
12. clean up myself with tissues and clean discharge from shirt
13. take shower
14. delete videos and close any windows i had open
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#3. Sex Fantasies/Edging

Super element - Fantasy - imagining having sex with characters that display emotional instability or desire for other characters in show/game. Reliving/Replaying porn scenes that i have already seen and imagining them in my own way.

Alpha element - sensory - grinding on bed during fantasy to simulate intercourse happening in fantasy

Beta element - power - combines with Fantasy and grinding to have a sense of control over imagined person. Heightened sense of self esteem and ability to pleasure imagined person and make them shudder with ecstasy. Power to induce ecstasy with myself and imagined person.

1. turn out lights and get ready for sleep
2. flip onto my stomach and spread legs
3. replay porn scene in my mind and put myself in the scenes
4. grind hips on the bed
5. pull away or stop when close to reaching orgasm
6. go to sleep and repeat process when i wake up, before i get up for the day.


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Fri Mar 24, 2017 6:47 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:51 pm 
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Lesson 25 - revised 3/28/17
Breaking down compulsive rituals

Video games/movies:
#1. During an idle moment i see games/movies on my shelf that are unfinished or finished ---Beginning of ritual
#2. I feel annoyed that i spent money on them but have no desire to play them or start them
#3. I feel compelled to get my moneys worth and to finish them so i boot up my system -----PONR
#4. Start playing video games
#5. I Feel bad for playing a game i'm not having fun playing but i keep playing
#6. I Feel guilty for forcing myself to play through the game till i finish it
#7. I convince myself to try to get through it so that i can talk about it to friends or so i can sell it
#8. Reach a point where i am emotionally melancholy or irritated while playing
#9. I stop playing and put the game back on the shelf ---ending
#10. Resolve to try to finish or play more tomorrow

viewing Pornography
#1. I think about how i have never had a girlfriend or found someone i connected with
#2. Desire to find some way to 'fix' myself, seek examples of intimacy ------ Beginning
#3. May look up articles or watch anime to distract myself, ideas of pornstars or hentai pop into my mind
#4. Have a 'why not' moment and search out porn ----PONR
#5. May look up porn based on intimacy at first
#6. Porn viewing shifts to fetishes and orgasm based
#7. Download copious amounts of porn, skipping to orgasm scenes
#8. Fantasize about having orgasm with an actual partner or making them orgasm
#9. Exit out windows ----Ending
#10. May edge to scenes i have seen that day before falling asleep


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Tue Mar 28, 2017 2:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:44 pm 
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Lesson 26 - revised 3/30/17

Mapping out compulsive rituals

Looking at and downloading alot of porn
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Element 1: Alone at apartment doing stationary tasks (reading, watching movies, playing video games) for long periods of time

Element 2: Feel a sense of boredom or unpleasantness from task. My head feels dull and sluggish, riding the line between sleepiness and being awake

Element 3: I get an urge to try to alleviate sluggish feeling so i open my browser to a porn site

Element 4: I think "there's nothing wrong with watching a quick scene" and begin searching for scenes with pornstars i am familar with.

Element 5: I open multiple windows for scenes that look interesting. I think "This one might be good, Oooh and this one too. I need to watch this one as well before they take it off the site"

Element 6: At this point i may begin downloading the scenes. I may think "I shouldnt download all these scenes" and convince myself to watch the scene all the way through before i download it (as a perceived safety mechanism)

Element 7: I get up from my bed and grab my headphones

Element 8: If downloading scene i set headphones beside me on bed. If watching scene i plug them in to my laptop and into my ears

Element 9: If watching scene i frequently check to see that my headphones are plugged all the way in laptop so no one hears the moans from the actors outside my apartment door

Element 10: Often i skip through a scene, usually towards the end where orgasms occur. I switch from one scene to the next

Element 11: As i watch i am constantly ranking the scenes in my mind, paying attention to the ones that are highly stimulating and memorable

Element 12: I keep checking to see if download is done. Usually go play video games or watch a video while checking every 10 minutes or so

Element 13: When videos are done downloading i put the 'best' videos in a folder of their own, while the rest are in a basic folder

Element 14: I think that since i downloaded these video that i wont need to download or watch anymore

Element 15: I keep the videos because i believe that if i delete them i will just download them again, while another part of my wants to go gung ho and delete them and believe i will never watch more porn

Element 16: I exit out the porn windows on my browser go back to whatever task i was doing before hand.


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2016 9:27 pm 
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Lesson 27 - Revised 3/31/17
learning about Compulsive Chains

Synchonized Chains
- Browsing Pornography while listening to Music
While browsing through videos ive downloaded i may get an urge to listen to some of my favorite songs. I mute my computer and listen to music on my phone, making a session of sifting through which porn videos are 'good' and 'bad' into a more enjoyable endeavor.

-Daydreaming with Music
Getting lost in my head, imagining scenarios of making love, being famous, being admired. The music enhances the fantasies greatly.

Progressive Chain
The 'No Boredom' Day
Ritual 1: I wake up early in the morning and remember a porn scene ive seen in the past. I get an urge to edge and grind on bed while imagining myself in this fantasy. Eventually i stop and start the Day

Ritual 2: I always put something on while i eat breakfast. I either watch a youtube video, TV show, listen to podcast, etc. But something is always bringing a sensory aspect while i eat

Ritual 3: I unconsciously always have multiple windows open on laptop. I believe i need to watch everything that is of vague interest to me, even if thats not what i want to do or need to do

Ritual 4: Get Overwhelmed or Underwhelmed by things i plan to do for the day. I immediately search for videos on porn site and start downloading them

Ritual 5: While videos are downloading i either watch a movie or play video games, i make sure i constantly check to see when download is done

Ritual 6: Pausing what i am doing when downloading is done. Spend alot of time watching videos

Ritual 7: Get mad at myself for watching videos. Find some sort of motivational article or something in reaction to it and go back to doing other activities on laptop. May play visual novel as a 'backwards way' of seeing pornography

Ritual 8: When going to sleep i think about the videos i have watched during the day. I start to edge and fantasize about being in those scenes. Eventually i fall asleep.

Most of my day is frivolous, a constant looking at the clock needing to move on to the next task. I need to give myself more quite moments with less sensory stuff, Can start by not watching or listening to stuff during meals.


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Fri Mar 31, 2017 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:45 pm 
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Lesson 28 - Revised 4/3/2017
Diving deeper into Compulsive chains

Starting point: Dealing with relationships and life
1. A general feeling of feeling unlovable, undesirable, unattractive cycles itself into my mind
2. I see each mistake that i make as a reflection of my character
3. I see each reaction from someone i interact with as a failing or success on my part
4. I end up victimizing and criticizing myself harshly, expected that i can do no better or that things are out of my control
5. Start blaming others and becoming apathetic, Start distancing myself from people and becoming judgemental

----------- > Which leads to

Escape: By any means accessible
1. As i become more withdrawn i want to deal with my problems and obligations even less
2. I begin procrastinating on homework and instead choose to browse Youtube daily
3. I build lists of movies and video games and books to keep me occupied
4. I neglect working out, talking with others, and i start eating more junk food
5. I start looking at pornography but i keep the web blocker up after i am done

---------- > Which leads to

Indulgence: Keep the pain away
1. To cope with my lack of romantic relationships i start fantasizing about sexual situations before i go to sleep and after i wake up
2. School becomes a backdrop in my mind, i assume all of my relationships are shallow so i do nothing to further them
3. I start to feel very lonely and downright worthless
4. I buy a crap ton of movies and then feel no desire to watch them. Leads to stress and compulsion to watch them completely
5. I buy and play alot of video games, hoping to find some message or moral in them that will help me get my life on the right track
6. I start looking and downloading tons of pornography, at this point i have disabled the web blocker and keep it disabled throughout the day, week, month.
7. I convince myself that i will find a way to make things work through sheer willpower. That I will get things together when the time is right or when i meet the right person or when i find what job i want, etc
8. I believe at this point that my distractions are my way towards solving my problems

----------- > Which leads to

Russian Roulette: Distractions become habits
1. Completely forget about values
2. Have no expectations for the future
3. I begin looking at porn and edging to them
4. Eventually during a day of high duress i decide to masturbate to the porn instead of practicing healthy masturbation with no fantasy or visual sensation.
5. I masturbate through multiple videos in one session
6. Masturbate to orgasm
7. Feel terrible and that i have betrayed myself
8. I clean up and make grand plans to make things right
9. I overestimate my abilities towards working on my problems, things take slower than i imagine
10. Deja Vu

Rewind to the beginning----------- >

Somethings i could potentially exploit in the future
- Download videos and put the files onto CDs
- Buy hentai manga and adult DVDs
- Masturbate to certain scenes in movies
- Write Erotica
- Masturbate to photos of past classmates


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:20 pm 
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Lesson 29
Learning About emotions

During exercise

Anxious - thinking about how i should spent my day, what should i do and pass on doing
- of someone coming into my room during exercise and surprising me

Urgency - thinking about how I should buy more video games and play more video games, even though i need to work on doing the opposite.

Unsatisfied - thinking about the time spent after finishing a movie

Threatened/Unsure - towards trying more new things today (reading, writing, exercise, learning about something)and less of the usual (video games, Tv shows, movies)

------------------------------
When I am most anxious
-Micromanaging how I spend my day
-During College classes or on campus in general
-When doing something if feel is right, but may put me in conflict with someone else

During these times it feels like a tightening sensation in my chest and my head feels funny, somewhere between a headache and the exhaustion you feel after an intense workout. When i get like this I become obsessed about whatever is ruling my mind at that moment.

If its in class, i'm anxious about looking like a fool, or seeming awkward or weird and makes my time on campus unpleasant.
If its at home i'll become obsessed with figuring out what i should do rather than actually doing something.
deciding should I buy this game or that game, should i play games at all even though I havn't been having fun with them in quite a while, rather i've used them to distract myself.
A feeling that something is wrong, and i need something externally to make it right.

When I am least anxious
- deciding on something and then going and doing it (both the good and bad things)
- When I am alone and take time to reflect on the day and how i've felt doing the activities that I did
- Doing something I wouldnt normally do over laptop time (Taking a walk, reading, listening to music)

At my least anxious there isnt as much "noise" in my head, I feel ok and flexible towards whatever may change in my current situation.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:27 am 
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Lesson 31
Emotional Balance and unbalance

Current Stressors:
1. Sexual Frustration - Severe
2. Lack of self love - severe
3. School Responsibilities - moderate
4. lack of intimate relationships - moderate
5. Retail Job - mild
6. Social Anxiety and Insecurity projection - moderate to severe
7.Lack of meaning in activities and achievement - moderate
8. Not being myself around others - moderate

In terms of the expending of my energy, i spend alot more time marginalizing my values when i expect immediate gratification, causing me to turn to artificial sources. I spend alot of time and focus on those artificial sources in order to feel competent.

My quality of life tends to fluctuate. When my actions reflect my values they fill me with pride and satisfaction but it lasts for a very short time, with which i think something is wrong once the emotion subsides. It is easier to accept delusion and fantasy than reality, and hence during times of extreme stress i choose the artificial much more often than value based options. And when i do choose the value based option, i may end up going back on the option later in the day. Hence i can only surmise that i do not gain much personal meaning from the values, or that that meaning is clouded.


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Sun Apr 16, 2017 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:46 pm 
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Lesson 32

Out of the 15 values/proactive plans i made, I ended up canning seven of them as I felt they were either a bit too contrived or I didn't feel as strongly about them as I thought. The values i thought up to replace them I feel more comfortable and confident about as they are things i've actually practiced in my day to day life for the most part.
Overall I've made some progress in my top 15, however its been inconsistent progress.
1. Practicing introspection - have made really good progress in, probably the most consistent out of all the values
2. Being my true self out in public/polarizing others - This one has been slowly progressing, i'd say this one is one of the harder values for me to develop
3. Facing my fears - made good progress in, the 2nd most consistent out of the values
4. Challenging myself - Some progress in the form of classes i've taken and getting my first job
5. Practicing Integrity - Some progress, not alot but not little either
6. Physical Health - moderate progress, good in terms of exercise, bad in terms of nutrition though
7. Feeling empowered - This one hasn't taken off yet, still trying to find a way to make it work
8. Companionship - minor progress
9. Developing general depth - moderate progress, learning more things is slowly becoming more fun
10. Strengthening Creativity - little progress, still deciding on creative outlet
11. Adaptability - minor progress
12. Feeling happy and content - some progress, need to learn to separate relaxing and working
13. Being more dedicated - unknown, figuring out dedication because I want to do it or outside influence
14. Being more active - some progress, getting outside more
15. Helping others unconditionally - on and off progress, inconsistent.


Last edited by PeacefulZero on Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:23 am 
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Lesson 33 Day 1
Finite emotions and Emotional Intensity
-Examining the range of intensity in the emotions that you experience both good and bad

I'm already all over the place with this activity, as I write this section it would technically be Day 4 out of the 7 but i've found it difficult to remember to examine the emotions i experience throughout the day. I have not had many low points lately, which may be due to the medication i've been taking and my changes towards my focus in school work.
But I think I can still take a look under the hood of my emotions even if im not in as dire straits as past weeks, if this comes across as disjointed i apologize in advance haha.

So Day 1 would be this past Thursday, I was able to write down most of the emotions that I experienced as I became aware of them, with the exception of the ones during a particular class that day.
1. Annoyed / Agitated
2. Relaxed / Open
3. Doubtful / Suspicious
4. Sadness
5. Anger

By far the most intense emotion that day was sadness, that day in general wasnt too great but it got worse for a moment when I returned home from school. I got an 3 day eviction warning on my apartment door saying it was for unpaid rent, even though I was sure rent had been paid. I've never had this happen to me before so I immediately thought it was irrevocable, i'd have to move out in 3 days or they'd kick me out or something like that. I thought about how things would get more difficult for me commuting from my parents house to school everyday ontop of trying to catch up with my school work and I was just floored by sadness.
However as I searched online for similar situations my sadness leveled out and turned into mild anger, which also cooled relatively quickly.

After both of these emotions I felt drained for the day and was planning to study for my classes but I didnt get very far, instead opting to relax and watch tv for a bit. This is usually when I would turn to watching porn, and I think the notion did pop up in my mind but I dont remember acting upon it. I could be wrong though.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 8:39 pm 
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Lesson 33 Day 5
Finite emotional intensity
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I had originally planned to write yesterday as i noticed a few intense emotions through out the day, however I did not for one reason or another so here's what i found today on Day 5

Due to laziness and bad study habits i've fallen behind with studying for my classes, of which i began to catch up on early last week. It is still fairly early in the semester so if i keep at it I should be fine, however I find that negative emotions are very high in intensity even when I am studying and understanding the material
Today my main emotions were
1. Distressed
2. Self Pity
3. Confused
4. Sad
5. Hopeful

Of these i would say Self pity was the one with the highest intensity, to the point where I considered quitting trying to catch up with stuff. This combined with the other negative emotions I felt led to some disturbing thoughts and considering looking at porn. However these emotions faded as I got the courage to ask my teachers questions and advice, and as I made a gameplan for the rest of the week.

I feel that despite feeling like crap, the fact that I still trudged on and continued to study helped to lessen the intensity of negative emotions as well.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:54 pm 
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Lesson 33 Day 7 - end of week
Finite emotions

Today my most intense emotions were
1. disappointment
2. Loneliness
3. Discouraged

The day is not yet over but I feel those will be the most intense today. My emotions may have an end cap in terms of how powerful they can get, but they're seemingly recurrent.
Discouragement, Sadness, etc since I experience them frequently it makes them seem like they last forever, when they are probably ebbing and flowing instead. There's an underlying issue i'm overlooking, multiple maybe even thats causing me to feel so melancholy i'll need to figure out what they might be.

Overall for this lesson it was difficult for me to take mental notes of my emotions when they happened, I kept remembering to do the activity then i'd forget it again and repeat the loop. If I remembered to do it I made sure to write the emotions down on a piece of paper as I noticed them and carry it around during the school day.
I didn't totally role play my previous mannerisms as I feel it would have a negative effect on my school work, seeing as those negative emotions came despite not doing certain habits though it may have been more of the same.


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