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PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2016 1:47 pm 
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Posts: 98
Location: Ger
Lesson 47

1. Random erection, that leads to fantasizing and more.
2. Receiving a text message by my ex-girlfriend. That triggers an obsessive urge.
3. Being bored, because I feel understimulated due to abstinence. Leading to general compulsiveness.
4. Seeing something promiscuous on the internet and feeling the urge to explore it. Going down the rabbit hole, in extreme until I’m at porn.
5. The urge to “practice my new skills” by looking actively for a relationship (based on the wrong ideals). Engaging in romantic fantasies with strangers.
6. Stumbling over something that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend (profile, pictures, messages, random stuff while shopping). Which enforces my need for control and confirmation.
7. Seeing a beautiful/hot women while going out. Fantasizing and/or escalating.
a. Seeing a beautiful women – stimulus
b. Fantasies arise – begin of the ritual
c. Best point to create a break – the compulsive action of fantasizing shows me I should act in a healthy way.
d. Point of no return would be the next element after the initial Fantasy, this could mean some form of romantic stalking like, trying to find her on Facebook or just a more intense fantasy in the direction of an obsession. The point where the inert fantasy becomes something overt.
e. Anticipated emotions: arousal, sense of accomplishment, pressure to solve the situation, the pure feeling of focusing on something beautiful, a feeling of control over the situation/that person
f. Value-Based-Decision: while I take the break I will ask myself, on what existing emotional intensity these fantasies happen and what I try to accomplish with it. I also restrain myself from these actions, since I know by checking my boundaries, that this isn’t the authentic behavior I’m striving for. So I’ll appreciate the possible beauty of that person, but abstain from going further in my thoughts. I gently refocus on my primary goals.
8. Feeling stressed out by recovery and helpless without any direction. General compulsiveness.
9. Feeling fine and everything is in control, so I experience the need to enhance this.
10. Victim hood, after something bad happened, so I need to regain balance.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2016 1:34 pm 
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Location: Ger
Lesson 48

Hey, so far I feel pretty proficient in using those three techniques. I'm only not quite sure if I understand the part of actively seeking right. Is the paragraph more of an example, how it works, and urge management is just one possible area of those "areas of your life that you are actively seeking to develop that day". Or is it more meta, like I go out there, do my proactive actionplans (I understand actively seeking like the action plans from stage 1) and while I do this I connect them with urge management? I think the former makes more sense, but the paragraph is a bit confusing.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 1:32 pm 
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Posts: 98
Location: Ger
Lesson 50

A)
• Positive:
• I build up my integrity, by sticking to my core beliefs and ultimately build up more stability
• I restrain myself from doing harm to myself
• My self-confidence grows
• The people involved know where I stand
• I don’t have to worry about dramatically intense feelings, instead I am kind of able to relax
• There’s a clear path, that is guiding me
• In the long run I’ll win a lot (experience, values and goals)
• I get detached from the initial overwhelming experience and become more clear

• Negative:
• I might hurt the feelings of others
• I experience a higher level of stress, since there’s no or less emotional stimulation
• I have to overcome the ingrained patterns, which is objectively seen an exhausting task
• I’m left with self-doubt, whether I made the right decision or not
• Maybe I lose a good opportunity
• The immediate feelings might not dissolve right away and bother me
• Maybe I realize my decision was a mistake and I regret it
• What if I can’t change the decision I’ve made?

B)
• Positive:
• I feel immediate relief
• In the realms of the artificial world I create I feel release
• I don’t have to worry about what happens next
• My mind gets distracted and the initial problem might seem unimportant
• Negative:
• I’m filled with self-doubt and anger, since I know that what I’m doing isn’t what I really want
• I have to deal with the fallout – maybe in the next few days, maybe there’s none. But I’m left with the fear of a “what if”
• I restrain my values from growing
• I stay in a victim mentality
• When I’m done I realize how this is not the real me, so I feel more and more estranged
• I get the feeling, that what I build up so far is now damned
• I’ll feel shame, guilt and worthlessness

C)
Healthy:
• Positive: I’ll get a more and more secure stance. Maybe I don’t know the perfect decision right away, when something new happens – but I’ll grow the confidence to take my best guest and follow through. External events won’t shake me that much up in general.
• Negative: A bit tricky. Many of those proposed consequences are “what if’s” or feelings. I think that there’s a part in it, where the problem are mostly feelings. Those feelings will be overcome. They’re finite, so even when I initially overwhelmed, thinks will fade away. But on the other hand I think it actually is kind of dangerous, because I might connect those feelings of self-doubt, with decision making. But as the healthy learning process shows us, those things will even out the more we learn. So I guess the real long term consequence from this is, that this “critical entity” will turn more and more in a relaxed “check and balance” system.
Unhealthy:
• Positive: Not much to say. It’s the classic addiction pattern that we know from the workshop.
• Negative: Since there’s nothing to keep this in balance it will grow bigger and bigger. The only thing to keep it from pulling me down, is the positive side of this decision… which leads, as a part of the learning process, to more decisions like this, to prevent the negative outcome.



I realize that the positive side will help to even out the negative – in both processes. But in a value based decision making process this means, that I’ll become healthier and my decisions more precise. And in an emotional based process the well-known pattern of addiction increases and further leads to more negative consequences, since the positive side isn’t able to fix the negative one.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 10:54 am 
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Location: Ger
Lesson 51

Long time no see, but I'm still going strong. My motivation to post here is just a bit low right now, since I haven't had any feedback in like 3 months and it's a lot work to translate all my lessons. But anyway, here's the newest one.

a)
Stumbling over something that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend (profile, pictures, messages, random stuff while shopping). Which enforces my need for control and confirmation.
• Element 1: Engaging in a normal daily activity
• Element 2: Something randomly reminds me of my ex-girlfriend (a song, her profile, pictures on my phone, text messages, a smell, another person with similar look)
• Element 3: I feel the need to check in on her, feelings of getting sucked into the situation and old feelings arise.
• Element 4: I linger around the initial trigger and develop a fantasy from there on.
• Element 5: I enhance the situation by opening her facebook page and realize that this whole feeling is just the addiction itself.
• Element 6: that strange dissonance between the real person (that my ex-gf is) and the addictive purpose she serves leads to sexual feelings, because “why the hell just not have some fun with this, if it isn’t really about her”
• Element 7: dig deeper and start to masturbate to some fantasies and/or pictures of her
• Element 8: Orgasm and feel powerful but also slightly ashamed, since I then realize again that all of this was about her and that I do still feel hurt and that I just want to be loved.
• Element 9: Clear all the evidence and swear myself I’ll not do it again.

I think the best point to consider my options would be right after Element 3. It’s the point where an emotional urge becomes apparent, but I haven’t made any real damaging choices.
• Option 1: Look her up on Social Media and dig down deeper. – No longer an option. Violates Boundary: I will not make the solution of my problem dependent from another person. I will not do anything that will hurt my feelings.
• Option 2: Fantasize/think about the situation that this trigger reminds me of. – Remains an option; value respecting my emotions, respect towards my past, accept vulnerability
• Option 3: Accept the unresolved feelings and set a certain time, later that day, to assess them when I’m more stable. Proceed with my initial activity. – Remains an option; value discipline, value emotional maturity, value mental clearness, value taking care of myself and figuring out what I need, value self-sufficiency
• Option 4: Write her a message. – No longer an option; violates boundary: I don’t outsource the solution of my problems/feeligns. (And more)
• Option 5: Distract myself by choosing a replacement treatment like binge surfing. – No longer an Option; violates Boundary: I don’t use mindless replacements to wash away unpleasant feelings.
• Option 6: Stop everything and make a plan how I can satisfy those feelings/needs in a “healthy” way, by creating a plan that will fix everything – Boundary Conflict here! Mainly some aspects of self-respect and discipline clash with control and some other aspects of self-respect. Dismissed until I’m more stable.
• Option 7: Remove myself from that trigger and move on with my day. – Remains an option; I’ll immediately set myself free and lose the burden of those feelings; might remain helpless but in control – so emotional maturity.
• Option 8: I refresh my perception of how I can address those underlying needs healthily by myself (e.g. need for approval, need to think about people I loved), set aside the unclear feelings and move on. – Remains an option; self-love value, guiding me like a friend, strengthening the involved values in general.
I think the mechanical approach to solve a boundary conflict is to dismiss this option. At least for today. Maybe later in time I’m more stable to face them, but right now it’s better to go with an option that is conflict-free. But I do think, that options that provoke a boundary conflict can be helpful to grow. It reminds me of the lessons on boundaries and how sometimes we have to bend them, to really learn what they are about. So let’s say you have to dismiss your value of security, to go and skydive – which ultimately might lead to a growth in confidence. Like I said you have to weigh in on all options. But right now, in the beginning of learning those techniques it might be better to just dismiss them until later.
C)
• Option 2: Fantasize/think about the situation that this trigger reminds me of.
o Most likely consequence if I choose this option:
 Satisfaction, Control, Sadness because I face the loss, nostalgia which might leads to victim hood, Understanding myself better
o Most likely consequence if I not choose this option:
 Temporary feel of loss and helplessness, focused mind, pride for acting mature and weighing in on my options
o Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
 Shame, embarrassment
o Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
 Possibility of losing myself in the situation, emotional chaos

• Option 3: Accept the unresolved feelings and set a certain time, later that day, to assess them when I’m more stable. Proceed with my initial activity
o Most likely consequence if I choose this option:
 I feel understood, Suspense, problems to really stop thinking about it, feel more free and focused again, a bit empty, feel mature, the once so big problem becomes smaller and the generalization diminishes.
o Most likely consequence if I not choose this option:
 Feelings might remain unresolved and I will have to face them again, Feelings will linger around and I will come back every now and then to that fantasy. Guilt of not doing the right thing.
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is discovered:
 Respect, Pride
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is not discovered:
 Some kind of anger about the needless suffering I had to wade through until I was able to finally resolve the issue. Still proud for choosing a healthy option.

• Option 7: Remove myself from that trigger and move on with my day
o Most likely consequence if I choose this option:
 Feel like I’m not in control, temporary spike in anxiety, emotional chaos for a moment, drop off in negative feelings after the initial pain and a free feeling without any obligations, not much to overthink about
o Most likely consequence if I not choose this option:
 The trigger remains in my life and I still have to deal with it. Loss of time for arguing around, Feel more respect instead of “super mechanical”
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is discovered:
 I can’t think of one. Maybe a rise in authenticity?
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is not discovered:
 Pride in acting honest, everything just isn’t such a big deal.

• Option 8: I refresh my perception of how I can address those underlying needs healthily by myself (e.g. need for approval, need to think about people I loved), set aside the unclear feelings and move on.
o Most likely consequence if I choose those option:
 Might start to overthink about my values, temporary anxiety, experience the need to suddenly act on all of my values at once, clearness, but also a short positive impact on my values by strengthening them. Feel free again. Am able to address those feelings with respect.
o Most likely consequence if I not choose those option:
 I just act on the urge but don’t strengthen the underlying issues, not that prone to overthinking.
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is discovered:
 People might not understand, why I need to think about it that much – so guilt and shame.
o Most likely consequence if this behavior is not discovered:
 I strengthen my awareness and I move on with successfully knowing that I solved the situation.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2016 2:31 pm 
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Lesson 52
In some cases, when I’m facing a certain problem/situation, that needs an urgent solution, I feel like my emotions don’t matter at all. It feels like I’m so focused on working on that solution, that there’s no solace in taking pity of myself or overdramatizing my feelings. I just get in a focused mood and work through it. Sure, sometimes when I encounter an obstacle I get a bit overwhelmed by emotions – like anger, sadness or self-pity. But ultimately I know deep down, that to fix this problem and to do it in the least harmful way possible I just have to step aside, take the situation at it is and go through it. I have two examples:

- Nothing special but a few weeks ago my bike broke down. I wasn’t in the best mood that day so initially it really bummed me out. I need my bike to get to work and it’s a struggle to get it repaired during working hours. At first I was pissed and angry, but then I realized, that to avoid more suffering (i.e. having to take the tram for another few days) I had to push through and get it repaired ASAP. I had a few different things appointed on that day and I really wanted to partake, but I realized that I can’t change the fact that this needs to be done. So I went through with it even though my initial reaction was to lay down and contemplate.

- Another one is a job interview I had recently (for the job where I bike to, huhuh). It’s not that I’m a nervous person, actually I’m kind of cool with situations like that. But I had thousand feelings in my stomach, that triggered many different thoughts and those thoughts triggered new feelings. A real downward spiral. Thoughts about how am I going to handle this? Do I really need to leave my hometown? How do I break the news to my old friends? You get the deal. When I realized that this won’t help me and will only further stress me out, I decided to drop those feelings. I reminded myself, that I can go through it – with the minimal feelings involved that are directly related to that situation – like nervousness etc. But I didn’t had to go fully over board, since it didn’t served my decision. I still struggled a bit, was nervous and sometimes the emotions just speak for themselves but this practice definitely made a difference in my thinking and cleared my mind. At first I was scared of that interview (funny thing is, not because of the interview itself but because of all the implications that job would bring), but when I realized I had to make a decision or those feelings would tear me down, everything became quite clear.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 2:21 pm 
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Location: Ger
Lesson 53

A)
- Masturbation while I hear my neighbors have sex would be against my values. It would be only based on opportunity. It would be based on an “artificial” stimulant and not real arousal. I would cross their boundaries by disrespecting their privacy, to gain personal arousal. I don’t want to disrespect others boundaries, just to gain personal stimulation. In that context I might not know, if they actually might like it – but that would be a rationalization and so I’m better safe than sorry.
- Masturbation after I had a great productive day, where I not felt dependent on anyone else is a healthy situation. Chances are high the act of masturbating isn’t tied to any unresolved issue, but it’s just an act to nurture myself and to explore. It’s like the cherry on the top, to round up a good day, by unwinding and relaxing in my bed.
B)
- Romantic: Telling the truth/burdening my partner with too much personal detail, to reassure his approval
- Sexual: Being an attentive lover/just setting up a performance
- Romantic: Seriously worrying about my partner/feeling the urge to check in on her
- Sexual: Having a high sex drive/Using it as an emotional outlet for almost everything.
- Romantic: Getting back in contact with my old affaire to set things straight/subconsciously rekindling the situation with her.
- Sexual/Romantic: Acknowledging the beauty of a woman at the lake and thinking about how she might be an interesting person/Objectifying her and just checking out her “assets”.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 9:21 am 
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Lesson 54

A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I chose to leave my hometown and move far away, to start a promising job and experience new things. I did this, because I deem it important, to leave my comfort zone. I wanted to make that step forward, to get myself in a better position to deal with life. Some negative consequences that resulted from that decision were increased stress for three months. I also realized, that I can’t leave my problems behind, so although I felt a bit refreshed after that new start, the old thought patterns came back and unresolved issues with people from my hometown remained an issue. My new places of living added a complexity towards that situation and suddenly I had to adjust my life according to the new circumstances, instead of rebuilding a brand new life at that place.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I chose to have sex with an ex-girlfriend, before I left to move. We haven’t had contact before I told her, that I’m going to move in a month… so we decided on the spot, to get it on. I felt great for having a short-term adventure, with not much to care about. It also reassured me about, where I stand with this person and on which terms we are. We had a fun night and it was pretty intimate and intense sex. I felt confident afterwards and ready to move on after finding that kind of “closure”.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 1:25 pm 
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Really interesting phase for me right now. Since the last few lessons came with out written assignments, I just wanted to leave a short message. So far I'm doing quite good. Often when I struggle, I feel more of a general compulsive struggle, with no elements attached. It's more like the raw emotional disbalance. I still have to power through this but it's an interesting new situation. Another thing I've realized, that after doing so many lessons, how everything falls into place. I'm a bit bummed out, I think I should have read the workshop as a whole right at the beginning, to know what's expecting me. But it's okay as it is. I just continue working on it.

Only thing that I would wish for is, to get some feedback on the most important entries I made. I think my last feedback is from april and so many things happened and I had so many questions.. a few short lines would be amazing.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 2:54 pm 
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Lesson 58

Excuse my laziness. I'm extremely tired and I pushed hard to finish this lesson. Work is a lot right now but I still strive to push forward with the workshop and my recovery. Therefore I have to priorize and translating my lessons isn't on the top of the list. So here's my hopefully first and last lesson, that I translated with google's translator:

• Establishing a unhealthy dependent relationship with a person on the basis of romantic fantasies: I learn to know someone, find like about this person and develop feelings. In this process, the boundaries between normal and unhealthy needs are becoming increasingly blurred, I can not be secure if I opportunistically behave to obtain satisfaction or whether I am acting in the sense of my real needs - I do not even really clear in doubt may designate. Increasingly, I feel a very one-sided fixation on that person, and they trigger feelings in my life. From an initial may only average affection, an uncontrollable desire without clarity develops. While I still felt at the beginning of freedom, suddenly a life without this stimulation is difficult to imagine, my perception is characterized more and more distorted. Piece by piece so develops an unhealthy relationship.
o I procure my distance and look at myself and my situation outside this relationship.
o I consider my current situation and reflecting how far I have already submitted my emotional care.
o I check what my limits are at this point of concern and protect them, they should already be transgressed.
o I take my existing values ​​and limits and transfer it to RPGs on the situation in order to achieve healthy developments.

• I try myself to risky behavior to "persuading" I am standing before a way to justify an unhealthy behavior (usually through a distorted view). I feel safe, because my process goes forward in total. I feel that limits blur and I can no longer be sure if something is a natural need. In the favor of the hour the thoughts and the pressure to do something I want to do supposedly only once, in this particular occasion, getting bigger. I realize that I am on a wobbly paths.
o I I'm aware that every decision I make an impact on my development has.
o I carry before me, that it is safer, even to dispense with a "good" chance and so to be on the clean side, but to go all out fully.
o I I'm aware that whenever a supposed desire occurs to me after a stimulus went before, I decide based on my emotions.

• Online dating is used searches driven: I want a new cautious contacting the female sex. But I access online applications. In my initial position I feel strengthened, my limits are applicable staked and I believe I reflect my behavior enough. Superficially my choices match my values. But over time I notice how my 'normal' use of such services is no longer enough.
o I check my expectations that I wear to the use of these services ran.
o I am safe from if I really follow my authentic needs or just the pure stimulation.
o If I'm looking for a behavior that does not feel ready for the old troubled areas I put rather only times back, take it to force with a vengeance.
o I I'm aware that I will not miss a thing incredible and my health comes first.

• I stand at the chance to have a risky sexual relationship: I follow my values ​​and goals and feel so good. The situation or relationship designed in the best of my ability. In a chain of events makes it possible to have sex or even enter into a sexual relationship. I know that me this chance will affect much in my decision.
o I consider the role of my own needs in this situation, and the connection to my values.
o It is my job to ensure a clear situation with this person.
o I will make sure that this relationship can be my sexual boundaries meet.
o I I'm aware that there is to be guided by the passion nice, but that such a thing should not be at the expense of their own personal development. Even once it's unpleasant to refuse such a thing, if I can not do justice to this relationship, I know I'm doing the right thing for my development.

• In my mind creates a spontaneous sexual / romantic fantasy, based on the current facts: I am in a specific situation with one or more persons. While I give my best, the situations to handle as healthy as possible, reports repeatedly addiction identity and pushes her influences between. So a fantasy image is drawn, which compromised my stability.
o I first stop all operations in my head
o I I'm aware of how I feel about the real person and the same in this context that fantasies with my values ​​and limits from
o I address specifically my own play, because I want to prevent the cleavage of the person concerned.
o I I'm aware that I am a private individual with their own responsibility and this kind of fantasies delivers a false picture.
o I prescribe further search of authentic feelings rather than illusions.
o I go so far as to distance from this situation and take responsibility for clarifying the circumstances, as it is necessary.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 3:41 pm 
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So today I read the Advanced Development 1. Sadly my life is really stressful and I can't move that much forward with the workshop - I spend more time on reviewing certain areas that I need in my day-to-day life. Anyway, I had some thoughts while reading, so here they are:

It is now my responsibility to really take the things and apply them to my life - not that I didn't before. But I think it starts to become different, when the overt behavior diminishes. It's a lot back and forth and while doing every lesson step by step there's time to learn and to focus on a tiny bit of the big picture. The more I moved forward, the more I feel everything needs to fall into place to reach the point where I can truly speak of a new health. The sentence in "Adcanced Development" really spoke to me. "What you are lacking is experience. And so, in moving forward, you have two major objectives to achieve: gaining experience in effectively merging all of these elements into a single, cohesive strategy for managing your life; and ingraining this knowledge in a more generalized, natural way."

My problem isn't that I don't know things. Sure, here and there I really need to review some lessons. But that's tangible, with enough discipline that's not an obstacle. What really is an obstacle right now, is to find a way through the haze. Learning, falling, trying, getting up again. There are so many situations where I think "this is it, the beginning of something new". Only to find myself in a situation where I feel helpless as a child. And while I get a little impatient I think this is something we all have to endure in some kind of way. I'll try my best each day and gently move forward.

I'm in a phase right now, where things aren't as clear as in the beginning. When I started it was "well I do x and then z, now everything's going to be fine". I think on one hand it's natural to lose this simplicity. When you really start to examine your addiction and realize how it's fused with your identity things become more and more complex. Which sometimes is an obstacle itself. So I think I also want to regain a bit of that simplicity and "just do it". Right now it's hard for me to find a balance. I'm not sure wether I should focus more on this or that. Some days I come home from work and think I should just go for whatever I want to do - so I play my guitar, read a book, clean my kitchen and just do "life vision things". On other days I think, I should focuse more an reflecting, being aware and learning more about my values. It's really hard to find the right balance between doing the appropriate mental work of recovery while also building the life I want to lead. Because often I found myself doing things from my life vision, but in a compulsive way, like playing guitar instead of doing chores or to forget another emotion. It leaves me with some doubts, but I will move forward nonetheless.

I think I'm a bit stuck in the question of what recovery really is or to phrase it better, my inner child came to the conclusion what recovery really means so the burden of going those steps weighs hard on my shoulders. When I first started it was "well, I have this addiction and I don't want it anymore". So feeling the change rapidly in terms of learning something new everyday was quite stimulating and motivating. I mean I actually did know what recovery really means back then, in terms of building the life you want. But I had a clear enemy and everything was more easy to handle. Now as I proceeded to grow (I moved to a new city, got a new job etc.), my life got way more complicated. And so I need to find more balance and focus. What I was able to do in a day I barely do in a week right now. When I went to university my whole cosmos was quite simple. What I realized is, that there's no shame in going back to Lesson 1 and reapplying what this is all about to my life. That's what I want to try now. Why not re-apply everything? I know that this is kind of an emotion based behavior, I feel better by doing it again and not having to me high expectations. But I also think that it's necessary to move on and to really find ways to generalize the knowledge of the workshop. Everything I learned up until I moved away from home I learned in the context of my life back then. So I guess it just makes sense to a) really dig into it and find new ways to handle the situation right now (not that I haven't done that before, but more in a day to day way and not in the context of everything). And b) to find ways to really implement this knowledge into myself, to use it in every given situation.

So to come back to the beginning of my post. I seriously feel improvements. I know a lot more. I've matured and some (not all!) situations are easier to handle. But I still consider myself an addict in recovery. I still have to learn so much. And it still hurts. And I still need to figure out so much stuff. And I still "know it all" but am not able to act on it properly every time. And I still have inner obstacles and wounds to overcome. And there are days where I'm full of doubt. There are days where I'm in peace. There
And all of this shows me, how my emotions and thoughts are still chaotic to some degree. I'm lacking a clear point of focus. I'm lacking an anchor, that keeps me in the same place mentally. I know I'll get it right, but I don't know when.

I just try to ditch those feelings of doubts and that voice that tells me "well, you did all this stuff, learned so much but hurrr you're still an addict. so what's the point?". I will move forward, step by step. And nothing that I do, to get in the right direction can be more wrong than living a life of addiction. Even if I'm not 100% clear, even if my head is cluttered, even if I don't know what to do in any given situation. It's all growth and improvement. Sadly the perfectionism still gets me a lot, but that's another thing I just want to improve on.

I'm doing this with no support. I have no therapist (well I do but it's a complicated story and I haven't seen her since I moved). I have no family that knows about my problems, actually they're part of it - and yes, I know about the supplemental lesson about our Family of Origin. I have little to no friends in my new town. People have turned their back on my due to me changing. And I do feel alone from time to time. But it will be better, it has to.

And I asked it before but.. it would be so great to get some feedback on my entries. Maybe just the last ones? Thanks!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 1:25 pm 
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Location: Ger
Some time has passed, so here's another update from me.

I'm currently figuring out, how to handle my situation. I'm in an interesting position and there's a lot opportunity but also a lot temptation. The last few days I really dug deep and I've realized, how many parts of myself have been numb for the past weeks. I couldn't pinpoint a sole reason but I could make out, what lead me there. Actually I grew a lot in the last month, but I didn't always put that growth to work. It's that big phase of feeling almost nothing. Not really knowing what to do and general lethargy. So I began to reread my old notes. My posts, my entries, my lessons. I don't have much time, work is a lot stress right now. But slowly I regain some consciousness about what mattered just a few month ago. And I'm in a place where I draw the connections between how some tools used to help me and how they might help me now. So I kind of start again, but I don't think these are the right words. I already talked about this in my last post. I just feel like it's time to refresh some things, to examine my life once again on a deeper level. So I'll do that. And the one thing I know is, that I'll never stop.

I want to complete the last stage of the workshop as well in the next weeks. But I have accepted that I have to take my time. It won't help if I rush things, it's better to do them carefully, just like I did it in my first weeks of recovery. One could say, I'm around the last points of the "What to Expect in an Early Healthy Recovery Process" timeline.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:52 am
Posts: 98
Location: Ger
Another Update from me. Life is tough at the moment. My every day life is overwhelming and while I'm doing great in some areas, I'm back at baby steps in others. My emotional maturity took a hit. I feel like I'm set back in regards to that. When things were easier to handle I felt mature and in control. But now everything's spinning around and I feel more childlike again. It shows me how maturity is a skill that has to be developed and not a state of mind. I think I really need stability in my life. Currently working on that. Sometimes I feel bad, for not doing that much, just the basic things. But I just keep going.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:18 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3848
Location: UK
Hi Axle
Quote:
My every day life is overwhelming and while I'm doing great in some areas, I'm back at baby steps in others


so long as those baby steps are going in right direction then that is OK
you are learning new skills and ingraining these into your everyday actions does take time


back in September you wrote
Quote:
Excuse my laziness. I'm extremely tired and I pushed hard to finish this lesson. Work is a lot right now but I still strive to push forward with the workshop and my recovery

that was lesson 58
did you complete the lessons, if not perhaps you should
take care

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:52 am
Posts: 98
Location: Ger
Hey Kenzo,

thanks for your kind words.

I still haven't finished the last stage of the workshop. I'm doing so much right now (in regards to recovery) that this always comes last. So it's not that I'm not doing any recovery related behaviours/tasks. It is still my Nr. 1 right now. But I feel that I have to ingrain so much more of the insights I already gained, that I re-read a lot and just try to find a way, that helps me to apply this to all of my life. But you're right, I have to be careful and I have seen some old patterns re-emerge, which took me quite some time to handle. So I'm still mostly on track with my monitorings, I still keep my personal daily diary and in any given situation each day, I try to make a rational decision. But I feel like the ongoing struggle of gaining balance takes a lot right now. I try to maintain my biggest hobby (playing guitar) and to be social at least once or twice a week. The rest of my time I more or less just keep up my household or work on recovery related things (where I still don't manage to finish those lessons, since there's so much else to do).

To some extent it's still the problem I mentioned earlier, that I'm lacking a clear point of focus. Maybe I should just push hard to finish the workshop and then re-read things I deem important. I guess it's a good thing to reduce complexity right now. As this week started I had some really good thoughts about what I really need to do right now and I was finally able to get back to a more practical approach. I began to refocus more on the "every decision counts" aspect, instead of "somehow I need to get all of this to work". It was a great help, but the disbalance is still kind of there. Often I feel like there are endless possibilities of what to do and it just stuns me. I try to adapt to my new situation as good as possible and still maintain my recovery tools. I've currently worked out a plan, how I want to move forward. I examined my days and tried to use my time as good as possible. I made a schedule that includes all the important tasks, but also time to relax and heal. Don't want to let my life be dictated by a schema, but right now it helps me to focus more on what is there, instead of what could be. I'm trying to get rid of those constant thoughts of "things should be that way, so I have to follow" and focus more on "things will be that way, when I make those decisions".

Best regards


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 5:25 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3848
Location: UK
Axel
Quote:
that I'm lacking a clear point of focus

that focus needs to be you!
your recovery, your values, your boundaries, your life
without that all else is insignificant
you have come too far to let it (actually you) beat yourself

so lets get it done :g: :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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