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PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 11:50 am 
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Practical Decision-Making: Past

Lesson fifty-five of Recovery Nation says: "Choose a compulsive sexual event and dissect your decision-making in relation to that event. Look for the following:"

"Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?"

Maybe this exercise would be most relevant if I start with my most recent self-induced problem, and if I don't confine my discussion to sexual malfeasance. Returning to the handy list I recently made for my latest therapist, I recall that my most recent inappropriate decision was the decision to ignore TL's urgent e-mail in favor of going to the gym and keeping tight control of my schedule and routine. Was I aware, at the moment I made the bad decision, that it was a dysfunctional decision? No, I don't think I was.

"How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?"

I don't recall feeling any emotions before I made the bad decision. Maybe that's part of the problem: I was operating on auto-pilot, without engaging my brain fully. I was not being mindful.

"At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?"

Similar to my foregoing response, no, I think the problem was that I did not take time to consider my values nor anything else.

"After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)"

Again, this is not about sex. It did not generate any emotion. I did it rather mindlessly. I suspect I would have felt anxiety if I had not made the bad decision to ignore my wife in favor of my routine.

"In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?"

In this example, I was hit by the consequences quite quickly. As soon as I finished my workout and called my wife, I was confronted by the consequences of having damaged our relationship again.

"If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)"

The negative consequences were quite intense for several days, then they gradually de-crescendoed in the ensuing weeks.

When you have completed this assessment of a past compulsive event and feel comfortable with your overall awareness of the event...choose another. Then another. Continue to assess past events until the areas that you are assessing become ingrained. These are the same areas that you will want to assess in present-day decision-making."

"Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?"

For this next attempt, I'll try using another recent mistake, one that addresses another recurring theme. That first example addressed the recurring theme of thoughtlessly choosing my routine or pre-set course of action rather than being flexible and sensitive to others' needs or desires. I have also experienced this as selfishly choosing to control my time rather than following through on commitments such as this self-improvement work or seeing a therapist.

Now, let me try something on the recurring theme of lying to protect myself from consequences. How about that incident when I lied to hide from TL the fact that I had clicked on that stupid soft-porn Internet ad? Again, this example is really about the lie, not about the asinine ad for "twenty-five women you won't believe exist." Was I aware at the time of the lie that the lie was a compulsive behavior? No, I don't believe I was.

"How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?"

The relevant emotion here was fear. How intense was it? I'd give it a five, on a scale of one to ten.

"At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?"
"
No, just as in the previous example, I acted before thinking.

"After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)"

Again, I think it was less of a decision and more of a failure to make a decision, a failure to think. It alleviated my fear, but only slightly and only for a few moments.

"In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?"

Yes, the consequences came quite quickly. My lie was nearly immediately discovered. I further damaged our relationship.

"If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)"

Again, the negative consequences were quite intense for several days, then they gradually de-crescendoed in the ensuing weeks.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 2:09 am 
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Practical Decision-Making: Present

Lesson fifty-six of Recovery Nation says: "You will face many decisions in the coming days, weeks and months that can potentially be greatly influenced by your emotions. Choose a potential compulsive sexual event and assess your decision-making in relation to that event. Assess for the following:"

"Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)"

It seems I can lump these challenges into two overarching categories: the fear-driven temptation to lie for self-protection, and the selfish desire to be inflexible or to hoard my time rather than adjusting to respond to others or giving my time to therapy and behavior modification.

At this point I'm not talking about sex. Will I be aware a compulsive event is occurring, in the case of a lie? I think so. In the past two instances, my smoking lie and my click-bait lie, I was aware. But, perhaps the question is, how fast can I translate that awareness into problem-solving internal discussion and then action? I think the same analysis would describe my awareness, and the challenge, in the case of choosing between selfishness and flexibility.

"How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?"

How intense will the fear be, in the case of fear-driven lying? Again, I'd put it at about a five on a scale of one to ten. How intense will the selfishness be in the case of wanting to hoard my time and be inflexible? I think it varies. On average, I might give it a six or seven on that same scale.

"At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?"

In the case of lying, the relevant values are honesty and integrity. In the case of hoarding my time, the values are compassion, empathy, and integrity (keeping my commitments). How soon will I turn to them? I must turn to them immediately when I realize I am struggling with a compulsion to lie or to hoard my time.

"Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)"

Forget about sex here. What if I decide to lie? It may alleviate my fear temporarily, but not for long. As soon as I realize what I'm doing, my telltale heart should start beating, hopefully requiring minutes instead of hours to cause an internal discussion. I think the same should be true when tempted to hoard my time. The key is to catch myself behaving selfishly before it is too late.

"Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?"

If I lie, the consequences will include damage to my sense of honesty and integrity and damage to our relationship. If I were not caught, it would still damage my sense of honesty and integrity. If I hoard my time, the consequences would be damage to my developing skills of compassion, empathy, and integrity, as well as damage to our relationship. If I were not caught, it would still damage my development of compassion, empathy, and integrity.

"If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?"

How intense would the emotions associated with damaging my values be? Perhaps I would give the intensity a five on a scale of one to ten. How long would they last? I think they would last forever, but the intensity would gradually decrease from five to one, over a period of days or weeks.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 11:38 pm 
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Reactive Action Plans

Lesson fifty-seven of Recovery Nation contained one familiar nugget of wisdom: "This stimuli can come in the form of something you see (a picture, a person), a way that you feel (bored, angry, depressed), or in just about any form that is capable of triggering an emotional connection." As B used to say, in my case the vulnerabilities that dog me are emotional states, not physical temptations. She used the acronym HALT, for hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. For me, I think the vulnerable states are bored, anonymous, and restless. I guess the acronym would be BAR.

Lesson 57 says: "Create an action plan for managing your most common compulsive ritual using the following guide:"

"1) Define the situation." I'm at work, rushing to finish my most urgent tasks for the day so I can fit in a workout when my wife calls and says she needs me to read something complex she just sent me and discuss it with her. I missed my workout yesterday, and I know tomorrow will be super busy. I'm also low on food and sleep.

"2) Evaluate all realistic options." I could drop everything, and engage with my wife immediately. Or, I could tell her the day is really busy, and suggest we talk that evening, at home. Or, I could engage with her in a hurried and unfocused manner.

"3) Evaluate the potential consequences of the option(s) that you choose." The consequences of dropping everything and engaging with her immediately could include: I miss my workout; I can't do everything I want to do that day and the next day due to catching-up; I prevent further erosion of trust in our relationship; I prevent or mitigate the need to address the issue later; and I preserve my commitment to empathy, compassion, friendship, and integrity.

The consequences of telling her I'm busy and suggesting we talk later could include: I do workout; I finish things I wanted to finish that day; I invest time and energy into the issue later that day; I invest additional time and energy into repairing the damage I cause to our relationship; I further damage the trust in our relationship; and I damage my values of compassion, empathy, friendship, and integrity.

The consequences of engaging with her immediately but in a hurried and unfocused manner could include: I possibly workout; I possibly finish things I wanted to finish that day; I invest time and energy into the issue immediately; having engaged half-heartedly, I am not helpful; having engaged half-heartedly, I probably leave reason to address the issue further later that day; I invest additional time and energy into repairing the damage I cause to our relationship; I further damage the trust in our relationship; and I damage my values of compassion, empathy, friendship, and integrity.

"4) Make a decision as to which value-based option you would choose." Once you have selected an option, role-play the situation over and over again in your mind — seeing yourself choosing this option every time.

Obviously, the best decision is to drop everything and talk to her immediately, in a wholehearted and focused manner.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 2:07 am 
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Constructing Reactive Action Plans

Lesson 58 of Recovery Nation tasks me to: "Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making."

One. TL asks me for urgent action or discussion, and I am tempted to ignore her in favor of my routine or task list. Recalling that the consequences of not responding immediately greatly outweigh the costs of immediately investing time and energy into the issue, I will choose to respond immediately, adjusting the rest of my objectives and expectations for the day to something more realistic. After that good decision, I may initially feel stress, as I labor to shift my mind's momentum. One potential mind game to avoid is the possibility I will tell myself, "Let me just finish this one thing." Often that "one thing" turns out to take far more time than anticipated, or can lead to another "one more thing."

Two. Quite randomly, some topic of conversation arises that reminds me of something I once did that has remained hidden, and I am tempted to lie by omission. Recalling my promises to myself about integrity, honesty, and friendship, I will choose to tell my wife, TL, the story. As I have an internal dialogue, my emotion is fear, fear of what she will say or do. A mind game to avoid is the temptation to tell myself, "No, maybe she won't find this topic to be relevant."

Three. During a move or other time of many changes, I am tempted to do other tasks before doing my daily recovery work and my monthly counseling session. Recalling that integrity means keeping my commitment and doing my responsibilities, I should choose to do whatever it takes to keep the daily recovery work and monthly counseling sessions at the top of my priority task list. As I do that, I will feel stress, as I struggle to remain the master of my task list, routines, and tidiness instead of falling back into being a slave to those things. As in my first example here, the dangerous mind game is the temptation to say, "I almost ready, almost done with this one last thing."

Four. During a busy time, I am tempted to complain about lack of complete tidiness in the house, thereby making my wife feel I am blaming her. Recalling my value of empathy, I must choose to truly understand why she would not want to hear me say such things, and to keep my mouth shut. I will feel stress, wishing I could plead for help, for permission to indulge my tidiness compulsion. A dangerous mind game might be a temptation to tell myself, "Don't worry, this is a general comment and she won't take it personally."

Five. Being alone during travel or some other occasion, I am tempted to use tobacco, alcohol, ruminating, or something else to alleviate my restlessness. By the way, I see an important thing I just said. I put ruminating in the same category or self-destructive, self-indulgent behaviors as alcohol or tobacco. Sitting around wishing to change the past, feeling sorry for myself, or focusing on retroactive jealousy is as unhealthy as substance abuse. Back to the topic at hand, faced with any of those temptations, I should recall my values of health, self-control, and accomplishment, remembering how those temptations are obstacles to those values. When I turn from temptations to values, in this case, I may feel anxiety. The mind game to avoid is the temptation to think that those indulgences will make me feel better. Invariably, they do not. Tobacco ruins my respiratory health and comfort. Alcohol is empty calories. And, ruminating or fantasizing have enormous costs in time and opportunity.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 2:11 am 
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Evolving Reactive Action Plans

Lesson 59 of Recovery Nation says: "There doesn't need to be an exercise associated with this lesson. At this stage of your transition to health, you should be seeking out ways of strengthening your foundation on your own. And so, just by reading the above, you should already know what to do with it. How it should be applied to your existing reactive action plans."

I think the best way to approach this is to go back to the five action plans I discussed in the previous lesson and see if I can develop a second level action plan as insurance, to strengthen each plan.

One. TL asks me for urgent action or discussion, and I am tempted to ignore her in favor of my routine or task list. Recalling that the consequences of not responding immediately greatly outweigh the costs of immediately investing time and energy into the issue, I will choose to respond immediately, adjusting the rest of my objectives and expectations for the day to something more realistic. After that good decision, I may initially feel stress, as I labor to shift my mind's momentum. One potential mind game to avoid is the possibility I will tell myself, "Let me just finish this one thing." Often that "one thing" turns out to take far more time than anticipated, or can lead to another "one more thing."

If this action plan fails, how will I know? I think the clue would be that I would find myself engaged in that "one more thing." I might find myself in the gym, tidying the house, or doing that one additional e-mail or routine task at the office. What should I do? Stop the workout. So what if I am standing around in my gym clothes while I engage with my wife? There's nothing wrong with that. So what if I miss one workout that week. Often, I can lift more if I take an extra day off.

So what if the house remains a bit untidy a bit longer. Having a tidy house is meant to make my life more convenient in the long run. But, having a tidy house should not distract me from the main point, which is actually having a life and living that life. So what if I don't complete that one more e-mail or one more routine task at work. It seems to me that I am equally or more successful at work when I focus on quality instead of quantity. Instead of trying to do ten things every day, for example, I should focus on excellence, even if that means only doing eight things but doing them well. And, if something personal arises that reduces my work accomplishments to only one or two on a given day, I should just be sure that they are the most important one or two things and that I do them well.

At times like these it helps me to mentally review my favorite parable. Put a cup of water into an empty pint glass. Add a cup of sugar, then a cup of marbles, then a cup of golf balls. It will overflow. Do it in reverse. It will not overflow, or at least not much. The big items will be in there. They are priorities. The smallest will probably fit too, if you add them last. And, if the smallest things don't all fit, remember that they are indeed small things.

Two. Quite randomly, some topic of conversation arises that reminds me of something I once did that has remained hidden, and I am tempted to lie by omission. Recalling my promises to myself about integrity, honesty, and friendship, I will choose to tell my wife, TL, the story. As I have an internal dialogue, my emotion is fear, fear of what she will say or do. A mind game to avoid is the temptation to tell myself, "No, maybe she won't find this topic to be relevant."

What if this first line of defense fails? How will I know? After putting the thought out of my mind for hours, days, or longer, it may come back to me. At that point I must again recall values of honesty, integrity, and friendship, and weigh them against the temptation to listen to an inner voice saying, "It's too late to mention it," or "It's no longer important."

Three. During a move or other time of many changes, I am tempted to do other tasks before doing my daily recovery work and my monthly counseling session. Recalling that integrity means keeping my commitment and doing my responsibilities, I should choose to do whatever it takes to keep the daily recovery work and monthly counseling sessions at the top of my priority task list. As I do that, I will feel stress, as I struggle to remain the master of my task list, routines, and tidiness instead of falling back into being a slave to those things. As in my first example here, the dangerous mind game is the temptation to say, "I almost ready, almost done with this one last thing."

I will know I failed at this if a week passes and I miss my self-imposed goal of spending a particular amount of time on daily recovery work each week. I will know if I don't always have an upcoming counseling session on my calendar. If I miss my goal for daily recovery time, I should make myself do make-up work until I am caught up. If I don't have an upcoming counseling session on my calendar, I should make it an urgent priority to talk to my counselor and get something on my calendar, or to identify a new counselor if necessary and schedule something.

Four. During a busy time, I am tempted to complain about lack of complete tidiness in the house, thereby making my wife feel I am blaming her. Recalling my value of empathy, I must choose to truly understand why she would not want to hear me say such things, and to keep my mouth shut. I will feel stress, wishing I could plead for help, for permission to indulge my tidiness compulsion. A dangerous mind game might be a temptation to tell myself, "Don't worry, this is a general comment and she won't take it personally."

I'll know I failed when the hurtful comment rolls off my lips. The next line of defense is to recognize what I've said so that I don't continue and make it worse and so I might be able to repair some of the emotional damage. How? Maybe it would help to start reviewing every conversation in which I am speaking and my wife is the primary or secondary audience. Maybe I should ask myself whether I may have said anything that directly or indirectly reflects on her, our relationship, our lives together, or our agreement about goals and values. Did I say something that could imply dissatisfaction with any of those things? If so, I should stop and think about it, and then talk about it.

Five. Being alone during travel or some other occasion, I am tempted to use tobacco, alcohol, ruminating, or something else to alleviate my restlessness. By the way, I see an important thing I just said. I put ruminating in the same category or self-destructive, self-indulgent behaviors as alcohol or tobacco. Sitting around wishing to change the past, feeling sorry for myself, or focusing on retroactive jealousy is as unhealthy as substance abuse. Back to the topic at hand, faced with any of those temptations, I should recall my values of health, self-control, and accomplishment, remembering how those temptations are obstacles to those values. When I turn from temptations to values, in this case, I may feel anxiety. The mind game to avoid is the temptation to think that those indulgences will make me feel better. Invariably, they do not. Tobacco ruins my respiratory health and comfort. Alcohol is empty calories. And, ruminating or fantasizing have enormous costs in time and opportunity.

What if I fail at this? What if I catch myself in the act of buying a cigarette, opening a drink, or sitting and ruminating on some unhealthy thought? Recalling my values of health, self-control, and accomplishment, it may help to tell myself it's not too late to change course. It's not too late to trash the pack of cigarettes before even opening it, and then tell my wife or someone about it. It's not too late to pour out the drink without finishing it, and then tell someone. It's not too late to stand up from sitting and ruminating and do something physical or social (including a call to my wife) to reset my mind.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 9:22 am 
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Preventing Slips/Relapse

Lesson sixty of Recovery Nation seems to say to make a plan, or several plans, for sustaining a lifetime commitment to preventing problem behavior.

"Many individuals convince themselves into believing that addiction is permanent, and so they must fear potential relapse every day for the rest of their lives. How effective of a strategy is this? Well, for some it works. Of course, it is impossible to measure the effects of such an approach on that person's quality of life, but from an abstinence standpoint, it works. But for very few individuals. The great majority instead fall victim to reality (e.g. it is impossible to remain so intensely focused on recovery/relapse every single day) and complacency."

"And so, while the efforts people made in recovery have been an important value in regaining stability, these efforts are not sufficient to maintain that stability in a healthy life. Why? Because life is not stable; it is fluid. And because this is so, a continued reliance on 'recovery' to manage life will fall way short in redeveloping a healthy, fulfilling life. New values must be developed. New skills must be mastered. Otherwise, people will be trapped in a life management strategy that is focused on avoiding the past, and will be incapable of adapting to new, healthy challenges in the future."

"Lesson 60 Exercise:

1. Develop a Plan"

I view what I just read in lesson 60 as a reference checklist. When trouble arises, I plan to come back to lesson 60 and troubleshoot. Moreover, on a day-to-day basis, I see the guide that I created in lesson 59 as the best tool for preventing trouble. My plan is to re-read that list I wrote, in full detail, each week. Why? Because I know that's how to effectively remain disciplined.

I suspect many people are different from me in that regard. I can learn things well enough. Often, I can even do them well enough. My weakness is consistency. For example, I know pretty well how to do a deadlift without hurting myself, how to hit a golf ball, or how to grill a steak. But, every once in a while I lose focus, get distracted, or get hurried. Then, I hurt my back while lifting, top the golf ball, or burn the steak. It's all about forming good habits. It's also about constant renewal of focus, concentration, momentum, and commitment. For me, it's not about seeing a doctor and being cured. Rather, it's about remembering to eat an apple every day.

"2. Motivators
A fundamental of early recovery is to establish a list of positive motivators that can be used to sustain one's focus and energy throughout the transition to health. Go back and examine your own motivators (Lesson One) — note those that continue to motivate you today and those that have lost their intensity. You will almost universally conclude that it is the positive motivators that have survived the crisis. Those based on negativity and fear (e.g. I don't want to lose my marriage; I hate who I have become) tend to lose their ability to motivate as the initial crisis wanes."

Here's my list from lesson one. All these reasons are still relevant.

Reasons I seek to permanently change my life

1. I want the quiet confidence that comes from striving for integrity and morality.
2. I want the relative calm that comes with having my priorities straight, instead of the harried existence of a double life.
3. I want my wife to feel safe and to be able to find courage to pursue her own goals.
4. I want to be a good example for my children and for others.
5. I want to earn my wife's trust, love, and respect.
6. I want to continue using my time productively and investing in meaningful relationships, instead of wasting time with porn, affairs, and prostitutes.
7. I want to continue using money wisely, rather than wasting it on prostitutes and affairs.
8. I want to be able to speak freely about anything I do, feel, or think, without fear that any of it will bring me shame.
9. I want to be able to look back on the remaining few decades of my life with fewer regrets than I have about the first four decades.
10. I want to accomplish things that bring me pride, rather than waste time and energy on things I'm embarrassed to share.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 9:22 am 
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Preventing Slips/Relapse

Lesson sixty of Recovery Nation seems to say to make a plan, or several plans, for sustaining a lifetime commitment to preventing problem behavior.

"Many individuals convince themselves into believing that addiction is permanent, and so they must fear potential relapse every day for the rest of their lives. How effective of a strategy is this? Well, for some it works. Of course, it is impossible to measure the effects of such an approach on that person's quality of life, but from an abstinence standpoint, it works. But for very few individuals. The great majority instead fall victim to reality (e.g. it is impossible to remain so intensely focused on recovery/relapse every single day) and complacency."

"And so, while the efforts people made in recovery have been an important value in regaining stability, these efforts are not sufficient to maintain that stability in a healthy life. Why? Because life is not stable; it is fluid. And because this is so, a continued reliance on 'recovery' to manage life will fall way short in redeveloping a healthy, fulfilling life. New values must be developed. New skills must be mastered. Otherwise, people will be trapped in a life management strategy that is focused on avoiding the past, and will be incapable of adapting to new, healthy challenges in the future."

"Lesson 60 Exercise:

1. Develop a Plan"

I view what I just read in lesson 60 as a reference checklist. When trouble arises, I plan to come back to lesson 60 and troubleshoot. Moreover, on a day-to-day basis, I see the guide that I created in lesson 59 as the best tool for preventing trouble. My plan is to re-read that list I wrote, in full detail, each week. Why? Because I know that's how to effectively remain disciplined.

I suspect many people are different from me in that regard. I can learn things well enough. Often, I can even do them well enough. My weakness is consistency. For example, I know pretty well how to do a deadlift without hurting myself, how to hit a golf ball, or how to grill a steak. But, every once in a while I lose focus, get distracted, or get hurried. Then, I hurt my back while lifting, top the golf ball, or burn the steak. It's all about forming good habits. It's also about constant renewal of focus, concentration, momentum, and commitment. For me, it's not about seeing a doctor and being cured. Rather, it's about remembering to eat an apple every day.

"2. Motivators
A fundamental of early recovery is to establish a list of positive motivators that can be used to sustain one's focus and energy throughout the transition to health. Go back and examine your own motivators (Lesson One) — note those that continue to motivate you today and those that have lost their intensity. You will almost universally conclude that it is the positive motivators that have survived the crisis. Those based on negativity and fear (e.g. I don't want to lose my marriage; I hate who I have become) tend to lose their ability to motivate as the initial crisis wanes."

Here's my list from lesson one. All these reasons are still relevant.

Reasons I seek to permanently change my life

1. I want the quiet confidence that comes from striving for integrity and morality.
2. I want the relative calm that comes with having my priorities straight, instead of the harried existence of a double life.
3. I want my wife to feel safe and to be able to find courage to pursue her own goals.
4. I want to be a good example for my children and for others.
5. I want to earn my wife's trust, love, and respect.
6. I want to continue using my time productively and investing in meaningful relationships, instead of wasting time with porn, affairs, and prostitutes.
7. I want to continue using money wisely, rather than wasting it on prostitutes and affairs.
8. I want to be able to speak freely about anything I do, feel, or think, without fear that any of it will bring me shame.
9. I want to be able to look back on the remaining few decades of my life with fewer regrets than I have about the first four decades.
10. I want to accomplish things that bring me pride, rather than waste time and energy on things I'm embarrassed to share.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 12:52 pm 
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Managing Slips

Lesson 61 of Recovery Nation is largely a troubleshooting guide to be used in the case of future problems. It also includes the following practical exercise.

2. Consider your current vision. See how it has evolved from it's initial state (Lesson Two). See which areas of this vision continue to guide you, which you have come to evolve, which you have come to neglect and which are now irrelevant.

Following is a re-print of my vision statement from lesson two. As I re-read it, it still seems timely and relevant.

I want to demonstrate to my wife that I can love and protect her. If she is alive for my funeral, I want her to feel more positive about my life than negative. I want to have been a positive factor in her life. My lying and cheating have hurt her so badly that she has lost faith in me and lost respect for me. This fact truly disappoints me, even though -- perhaps especially because -- it was my own doing.

Likewise, I want to maintain an active, growing, useful relationship with my sons until I die. I see, with some disappointment, how my own relationship with my parents devolved, long ago, into nothing more than superficial gestures. I lost faith in their ability to teach me anything without an accompaniment of criticism and judgment. I don't want my kids to ever fear telling me about themselves and their lives, as they grow and change. I want them to know that I am there to support them emotionally (not financially), and not think that they exist to act out my dreams or to be constrained by my fears.

I want to be active, mentally and physically, as long as my health allows. I've learned from experience that doing so makes me happy. But, I want to do it in a way that complements my other values: my wife and sons. I want to look back and know that I actively exercised my mind and body regularly, and that I accomplished something, no matter how small. I want to know that I did not waste my life with idleness or self-defeating behaviors. Whether it's working, teaching, or writing, I want to feel I was continuously exploring, learning, and creating, even in small ways. Even if the scale is small, I want to feel I made a difference, in some positive way.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 12:54 pm 
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Reactive Action Plan Number Six: Behavior Modification

The other morning I walked around the house with dirty shoes, telling myself, “I’m really in a hurry, and the maid ought to clean the floor anyway.” TL reminded me that she had asked me before, on more than one occasion, not to wear dirty shoes in the house. I think that I had responded to each of those previous requests with something like, “okay, okay.” What I had failed to do was stop myself at those moments and make a plan for following through. Ultimately, the plan was quite simple: move my work shoes so that I keep them near the back door rather than in the bedroom, and keep slippers there too so I can change shoes before walking through the house. This incident made me think I should add another reactive action plan, this one to address listening and follow-through.

Six. TL asks me to stop or change some behavior. Recalling that the consequences of not responding immediately greatly outweigh the costs of immediately investing time and energy into the issue, I will choose to respond immediately, adjusting the rest of my objectives and expectations for the day to something more realistic. The response must be to create an action plan for the behavior in question. After that good decision, I may initially feel stress, as I labor to shift my mind's momentum. One potential mind game to avoid is the possibility I will tell myself, "Changing this behavior will be easy so I don't need a plan.” Time and again I find I can't modify my own behavior without a plan.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 1:07 pm 
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Managing Relapse

Lesson 62 of Recovery Nation says: “Develop three-five 'most-likely' scenarios where you might face relapse. Role play (in your head or with someone you trust) how you will manage these situations.”

What is a “most likely scenario” for facing relapse? One scenario might be the next time we move, when we are developing new routines related to work, parenting, and everything. I might be tempted to slack on my daily recovery work and counseling. Perhaps to manage that temptation I could tell myself my favorite story about how to fit stones, pebbles, sand, and water in one container by putting the big rocks in first. Then, that should put me in a healthy frame of mind for starting on the top priorities.

Another scenario might be that TL calls or writes me with an urgent matter or brings up an urgent matter during the “sleeping hours.” That same story about stones and pebbles should help.

A third scenario might be that I am unexpectedly struck by a memory I had not previously shared with TL and I find the thought of telling her to be particularly intimidating. I could just remind myself that the trust, respect, and attraction she may have once had for me can't really become any more damaged than they already are. Then I can remind myself that telling her the scary memory will at least be an opportunity for me to honor my commitment to tell her such things.

“Explore one unlikely situation where you might face relapse. A situation that you couldn't possibly prepare for. Will your Relapse Plan allow you to manage it? Why or why not?”

This is a tough question. If I can't prepare for it, how could I even imagine it now? Perhaps I could imagine the unlikely example of some woman unexpectedly propositioning me, with absolutely no provocation on my part. Reactive action plan number five should apply. Here I will reiterate it, with some minor tweaks to tailor it to the situation of being tempted by actual available sex.

Five. I am tempted to use sex alleviate my restlessness or actual physiological desire. I should recall my values of integrity and self-control. When I turn from temptations to values, in this case, I may feel anxiety. The mind game to avoid is the temptation to think that I can cover my indulgence with a lie. That, of course, conflicts with my attempt to develop my values of honest and integrity.

What if I fail at this? What if I catch myself in the act of flirting or even touching? Recalling my values of integrity, self-control, and honesty, it may help to tell myself it's not too late to change course. It's not too late to literally step back, mentally review my priorities and values, tell the woman I am happily married and not even interested, walk away, call my wife, and make a new and improved plan for prevention.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2017 10:10 am 
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Evolving Weekly Monitoring

Lesson 63 of Recovery Nation says: “Review your current weekly monitoring and assess whether or not the areas you are assessing are 1) necessary and 2) adequate in strengthening your value system.

Back in Lesson 35, I said I should do the following each week: “evaluate myself on whether and how I made my wife, sons, and dog my highest priority for my time and energy during the week” Also, I wrote myself a note and placed it near my cuff links, which I use every morning. The note said: "I will think of supporting TL before anything else today."

How have I been doing on that? I think I have been inconsistent. I’ve had good days and not so good days on this topic. And, the note near my cuff links has really not helped. So, yes, I think the weekly monitoring on this topic is still necessary and adequate for strengthening my value system. But, it appears I need a new means of ensuring I remember and adhere to this goal each day and each week. Instead of relying on the note near my cuff links, I will start sending myself a daily electronic reminder each morning with the phrase “family first.”


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:06 am 
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Transitioning to Health

Lesson 64 of Recovery Nation asks, “What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop? What skills need additional work?”

I feel I have spent a lot of time developing values. What about skills? Is constant communication with my wife a skill? I have made progress on that. I still need more work on the following skills: listening, adapting to urgent events, and remaining focused on my highest priorities rather than being distracted by busy work or time fillers.

“Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not 'addiction' is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life.”

I still reject the term “addiction” in this endeavor. But, what about my unhealthy behaviors? What about lying, selfishness, inflexibility, backwards priorities, lack of empathy, and turning to self-destructive or time-wasting activities to make myself feel better? Lying, backwards priorities, lack of empathy, and time-wasting activities were terrible habits that began during childhood. I think they were developed patterns rather than a part of me. I'm working to learn and ingrain honesty and integrity in place of lying. I'm likewise learning to make and maintain healthy priorities. I'm trying to develop empathy. I have some, but more would be helpful. I have so far done a decent job of eliminating the time-wasting activities.

Selfishness and inflexibility strike me as more than just terrible habits that I learned. They might be personality traits for me; traits that I must manage for the rest of my life.

“Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played...and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response.”

What should I consider compulsive rituals, for the sake of this exercise? They might fall into four categories. First, there were compulsive rituals I used to deal with restless energy, physical and mental energy that was not properly used in daily life nor stored through sleep. In this category I would include porn use, masturbation, habitual smoking, habitual drinking, and habitual – as opposed to relationship appropriate – sex, even with my wife. My concern about returning to any of those behaviors is, primarily, that it may be difficult to stop again. They're like potato chips: bad for you, and it's hard to have just one. Further, they might signal, to myself and to those around me, that I am neglecting my priorities and commitments.

I can think of three useful responses. One, tell my wife, immediately. If I can't speak to her immediately, write to her about it. If I can't do that, tell someone – anyone trustworthy – immediately. Telling someone will help me fortify the willpower to prevent it from recurring. Two, develop, discuss with my wife, and implement new, additional mechanisms for accountability, transparency, and self-control. Three, with the future in mind, and perhaps consulting literature and other people, I can try to figure out what thoughts or behaviors led to the problematic behavior. That could provide clues for preventing recurrence. I have a high level of confidence that those responses are realistic and helpful.

Second, there were rituals I used to try and compensate for feelings of inadequacy or a false sense of injustice. This is where I would list seeking sex, paid or available, outside my marriage. Obviously, a return to that behavior would end my marriage and perhaps destroy any remaining respect my sons or others might have for me. It could also bring renewed damage to health and reputation as well as further loss of money and time. And, it would violate my hard-won commitments to integrity, compassion, and empathy.

As for helpful responses, perhaps it would be useful to recall that the offensive behavior in this case is not just adultery, but also even seeking the opportunity or conditions that could permit adultery. It's not just asking a prostitute to name her price. It's also seriously thinking about approaching a prostitute for the discussion. It's not just touching or propositioning an available woman. It's also conversing, verbally or non-verbally, with a woman in an attempt to determine whether she is available. So, to capture all this, how can I respond if I find myself seriously considering talking to a woman inappropriately? Viewing it that way, I can apply the same three responses I described above: tell someone, devise additional accountability mechanisms, and find the root cause. I am confident those responses are realistic and helpful.

Third, there were rituals I used for self-defense. This means lying or failing to defend the truth due to fear of confrontation. Returning to those behaviors would violate my developing commitments to integrity and courage. Upon discovering such behavior, the first response is to immediately correct the lie or confront the truth. Then, telling someone and exploring the root causes should help. Fourth, perhaps, were rituals for retaining the comfort of control. By this I mean inflexibility, failure to adapt to an emergent need to respond to my wife, son, or even boss or colleague. Returning to that inflexibility would, in addition to disappointing my family or others, disappoint me as I work to become more flexible. Again, the response is to immediately correct the inflexibility with flexibility, tell someone, and explore root causes with a view toward preventing recurrence. I am confident those responses are realistic and helpful.

“Explore your overall balance and stability...how much of your life is spent 'fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.' versus how much of your life is spent just living”

I can lump the first three categories of compulsive rituals together: those related to restless energy, feelings of inadequacy, and self-defense. For the sake of trying to quantify the time and energy I spend managing such urges now, I’d put it at something less than one percent of my time and energy. The rituals related to comfort and control still require a bit more of my time and energy; let's say one percent instead of less than one percent.

“Assess your identity for hyper-sexuality. How prevalent is it?”

Hyper-sexuality is definitely not part of my life today. I can regularly go to sleep without sex, and without feeling any insecurity or resentment nor having obsessive thoughts about it. I still frequently have a nagging desire for sex, but I am able to put it out of my mind and think of other things.

Was it before D-day? I certainly thought about sex many times more frequently and more intensely than I do now, and it was usually with associated feelings of dissatisfaction or insecurity.

“Assess your value system. How efficient are you in using it to make decisions, achieve balance, etc.?”

Without looking back at my notes, the values I want to keep near the top of my mind are integrity, family, flexibility, honesty, mindfulness, empathy, and courage. They are the right values. I think I need further practice at staying focused on them. They are a necessary counterweight to my negative instincts of selfishness and self-centeredness.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2017 12:05 am 
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Life After Recovery

Lesson 65 of Recovery Nation says: “Envision your life after recovery. Compare it to the vision that you began back in Lesson Two of the workshop. They should be nearly identical. Are they?”

Here's what I wrote back during Lesson Two.
“Iwant to demonstrate to my wife that I can love and protect her. If she is alive for my funeral, I want her to feel more positive about my life than negative. I want to have been a positive factor in her life. My lying and cheating have hurt her so badly that she has lost faith in me and lost respect for me. This fact truly disappoints me, even though -- perhaps especially because -- it was my own doing.
Likewise, I want to maintain an active, growing, useful relationship with my sons until I die. I see, with some disappointment, how my own relationship with my parents devolved, long ago, into nothing more than superficial gestures. I lost faith in their ability to teach me anything without an accompaniment of criticism and judgment. I don't want my kids to ever fear telling me about themselves and their lives, as they grow and change. I want them to know that I am there to support them emotionally (not financially), and not think that they exist to act out my dreams or to be constrained by my fears.
I want to be active, mentally and physically, as long as my health allows. I've learned from experience that doing so makes me happy. But, I want to do it in a way that complements my other values: my wife and sons. I want to look back and know that I actively exercised my mind and body regularly, and that I accomplished something, no matter how small. I want to know that I did not waste my life with idleness or self-defeating behaviors. Whether it's working, teaching, or writing, I want to feel I was continuously exploring, learning, and creating, even in small ways. Even if the scale is small, I want to feel I made a difference, in some positive way.”
It does still seem applicable.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:43 am 
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Recovery Triggers vs Relapse Triggers

Lesson 66 of Recovery Nation says: “a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed? b) List five potential triggers for you — that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?”

In the early part of recovery, I probably underestimated and misunderstood these triggers. I thought that the real cause of my malfeasance was not triggers and compulsions, but rather my own selfish, conscious choices. That remains true. The worst things I have done in life resulted from active, conscious decisions I made. That said, perhaps there are things I can learn by using this trigger concept now. There are indeed times when I am tempted to do or think self-defeating things.

Usually this does not happen now. But, occasionally, a reference to promiscuity in a magazine, television show, or overhead conversation will tempt me to ruminate on the past. Occasionally, an ad on an Internet page will tempt me to click on pictures of scantily-clad women. I am also occasionally tempted to lie, by omission, to protect myself from consequences, to cowardly remain silent when someone – usually my mother – attacks my wife, or to be inflexible when faced with emerging suggestions or needs.

My new, evolved perspective on these five types of “triggers” is recognition that they are not only real, but also relevant. In early recovery, I thought a trigger of this nature meant that I would see some woman and be attempted to touch her or talk with her, a temptation I knew was not a real problem for me. Now, I see that there are more subtle steps that are important temptations to overcome. How can I use these triggers to strengthen my values? I can look at them as much-needed opportunities to prove to myself, as well as to my wife and others, that I can consistently make good decisions.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:44 am 
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Recovery Triggers vs Relapse Triggers

Lesson 66 of Recovery Nation says: “a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed? b) List five potential triggers for you — that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?”

In the early part of recovery, I probably underestimated and misunderstood these triggers. I thought that the real cause of my malfeasance was not triggers and compulsions, but rather my own selfish, conscious choices. That remains true. The worst things I have done in life resulted from active, conscious decisions I made. That said, perhaps there are things I can learn by using this trigger concept now. There are indeed times when I am tempted to do or think self-defeating things.

Usually this does not happen now. But, occasionally, a reference to promiscuity in a magazine, television show, or overhead conversation will tempt me to ruminate on the past. Occasionally, an ad on an Internet page will tempt me to click on pictures of scantily-clad women. I am also occasionally tempted to lie, by omission, to protect myself from consequences, to cowardly remain silent when someone – usually my mother – attacks my wife, or to be inflexible when faced with emerging suggestions or needs.

My new, evolved perspective on these five types of “triggers” is recognition that they are not only real, but also relevant. In early recovery, I thought a trigger of this nature meant that I would see some woman and be attempted to touch her or talk with her, a temptation I knew was not a real problem for me. Now, I see that there are more subtle steps that are important temptations to overcome. How can I use these triggers to strengthen my values? I can look at them as much-needed opportunities to prove to myself, as well as to my wife and others, that I can consistently make good decisions.


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