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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:07 pm 
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Hi Coach Kenzo,

Quote:
you really do have a choice, you do not have to succumb to your urge to reach an orgasm,


You are right. The aim of masturbation is to reach an orgasm and that does not fulfil much other than my own selfish desires.
I believe as I go into urge control in the next part of this workshop I might pick up more useful tips on this area.
Thanks for the advice! :g:


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:21 pm 
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Lesson 42 Exercise:
I. If there are any questions that you have about anything related to compulsive chains, rituals, elements and/or measuring emotions...ask them in the community forum and/or our next coaching session. It is essential that you have a working knowledge of these concepts — as they are fundamental to a health-based recovery.
II. In the next coaching session, you will be asked to share the following:
to identify the ELEMENTS associated with a simple compulsive ritual that you have previously engaged in (think Wheel of Sexual Compulsivity)
to walk through a single compulsive ritual and identify the BEGINNING of that ritual; the POINT OF NO RETURN; and the time that you would CREATE A BREAK
To walk through a complex compulsive ritual involving several single rituals in a single event (e.g. porn and alcohol; masturbation and voyeuring)
To share the dynamics of a compulsive chain (e.g. multiple rituals) and how that chain effects your overall life management needs/skills


After looking through the compulsive rituals and chains in the previous exercises, I have come to the realization that my addiction in the past is one that has built up substantially over the years and something that will take time to re-establish for my values. My habit of having instant gratification through fulfilling sexual fantasies cannot happen again as it is in itself destructive and degrading to my values.
I am hopeful that with the continuation of the workshop I will equip myself with more tools and means of keeping a good level of awareness and control of my urges and hence strengthen my values and gradually make a healthy recovery for myself. I am also happy to say that I have not had a relapse since the start of this workshop in terms of acting out or seeking out pornography or chats to fulfill my sexual urges.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 8:50 am 
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Lesson 43 Exercise:
There are two tools you are encouraged to use in helping to develop efficient urge awareness skills.

A. The first tool is the Community Support Forum. Use this forum to discuss your urges, receive support and guidance, and learn from the experiences of others in their urge awareness development.

B. The second is the Urge Control Awareness Form. Use this form any time that you have experienced a 'significant' compulsive urge. This form will facilitate the process of developing the right awareness needed to accurately process each urge.
C. Review this form now and ask any questions you may have about it in your recovery thread. Click here


I appreciate how the support forum has helped by the timeliness in the advise given by coaches and how the workshop is structured in a way that helps strengthen me from within.
After reviewing this Urge Control Awareness form, I have come to realise that there is an anticipation of relapse of some sort, be it in terms of emotional imbalance or factors triggering compulsive behaviour due to either positive or negative events. However, there is also important lessons to be learnt from them and it is in looking at our values and what we have traded off that will help us move on stronger and better after we can reflect on how our urge has made us act. Finally, only by breaking up the elements in a compulsive ritual and relooking at how our values have been damaged will we be able to make a more conscious effort in choosing our appropriate actions that can be taken to lead to a healthier being and life.
Personally, as mentioned in the previous posts, the only sign of relapse or compulsive behavior since I started on this workshop is on the need to do masturbation in private with the knowledge of my wife when she is unable to help me orgasm (eg. daughter cries and wakes up while we are making love.) However, I will also make a conscious effort not to take for granted that this behavior is acceptable all the time as orgasm is not the only reason for us making love to each other. I will continue to monitor my urges and make sure that I continue to protect and strengthen the values that I hold dear to me.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 7:47 pm 
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Exercise 44
For a moment, imagine your life apart from your physical being...apart from your possessions...apart from your friends, your family and every other living being. What you are left with is your core identity. It is who you are. It is this identity that then allows you to relate to your physical self, your friends, your family... As you know by now, part of the role you must fulfill in transitioning away from addiction is to rebuild your core identity. This core identity — and your ability to isolate the addiction from it — is critical to urge control.
A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.
B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?


A. In my core identity I represent honesty, fairness and freedom of speech. This helps me maintain healthiness and goodness by being true to myself and what I do and it also allows me to fight for what's right and justified socially. It also helps me to sound out my unhappiness and not hide from the truth of any matter.

B. By knowing that I can say the truth without feeling shame and guilt, it builds up my confidence that I can be proud of what I say or do unabashedly. Similarly, when I do not act in a manner that is aligned to my core identity there will be an avoidance in the experiences that I have engaged in.

C. I am now at a stage where I am more in tune with my core identity than before. I realised that I have even tried to avoid that core identity within myself and hence felt very conflicted previoiusly. I was trying to avoid hurting those that I love by not being truthful to them. For example, not wanting to go against their wishes or trying to be obliging when I do not really feel like doing what they want. This is however even more harmful in the long run as I gradually lose my core identity and have to hide my feelings and emotions. I have resorted to destructive activities as an outlet and channel of expression for this to get instant gratification and that has gradually degraded my core identity. It is now a good time to look back at how I can regain more of my core identity.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 2:51 am 
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Lesson 45 Exercise:
I. Identifying the impact of emotions in compulsive urges is essential to objectifying that urge. In previous exercises, you have identified compulsive rituals that presented a linear look at your emotional state across a single action. In this lesson, you are being asked to isolate those emotional elements to the point where action can be taken that will break the chain itself.
A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act. If you would like, use the following worksheet to help you: Mapping a Compulsive Ritual

B. For each element, consider the likely impact that removing that element from the chain would have on the remainder of the event. Remember, decreasing immediate emotional pleasure (through guilt, fear, suspense, anxiety) is a technique used to ultimately increase the overall pleasure experienced during the act.

C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act. Share this in your recovery thread. In the previous exercise, you were to reinforce your ability to identify separate emotional elements in a single compulsive ritual. Here, you will begin to isolate those emotions from your core identity.

D. Consider the element identified just prior to 'the point of no return'. This is the element that you will want to isolate and use as your primary trigger for breaking a compulsive urge. Eventually, you can isolate multiple elements, and thus create multiple points where a compulsive event can be effectively stopped, but for now we will focus solely on this one element.

E. With the element isolated from the ritual, begin to see this element in terms of the role it plays in perpetuating the compulsive event. For instance, if the element is 'an attractive woman smiled at me in a public place'...and this element triggers the fantasies that lead to stalking, then it will be the emotional elements experienced with the woman smiling at you that will be your focus. This is the element just prior to 'the point of no return' — which in this case, happens to be the fantasizing. The role, then, that this element (the woman smiling at you) plays is to trigger fantasy.

F. Once the role of the individual element has been identified and isolated from the whole of the experience, it is time to evaluate what is the best action to take in response to this trigger. That will be the point of the next lesson. For now, begin intellectually putting all of the pieces (emotions, values, ritualistic chains, artificial stimulation, etc.) together to solve the puzzle of your addiction. Because it will be when you have mastered the integration of these parts into a functional life management strategy, when you will have put yourself in a position to eliminate the pattern of addiction from your life.
II. Document A, C, and D in your recovery thread, but feel free to write your thoughts on any other part as well.


Masturbation via watching porn:
- feel stressed or bored and urge for sexual release
- fantasize about past encounters or experiences (excitement, anxiety)
- may be triggered by something online (fantasy, anxiety)
- make sure no one else is around (control, comfort)
- start private browser and search for porn videos (excitement, achievement, success)
- get turned on by visual and audio coming from porn website/ videos (comfort, control, worry)
- start to masturbate and touch while fantasising about being a part of the scene in video (excitement, anxiety)
- orgasm at the most exciting part of the video while reliving past memories (comfort, relief, guilt, shame)
- feel accomplished and start to clean up (guilt, shame, serenity)

The point of no return occurs when i check that no one is around and I start to look at my browsers.

The element that I would want to eliminate is the anxiety and excitement that comes from fantasy.



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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 4:02 am 
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Lesson 46 Exercise:
This next step in urge control is quite simple. It is the transition in thinking from the identification of a time where action can be taken, to the realization that action will be taken. It is the realization that you are in control over whether you continue engaging in your established compulsive ritual, or whether you engage in alternate behavior that will establish new chains — preferably, ones based on values.
A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.
B. Initially, this may feel awkward. The emotions derived from a compulsive act is often much more intense than that capable of being achieved through long-term values. And while there are ways to address this, know that it is similar to switching from Coke to Diet Coke (or Pepsi!). It may taste unappealing at first, but stick with it and you will soon wonder how you could have ever liked the taste of the original.


This lesson has come in really useful as I am in a state of distress after facing a stressful time both at work and at home.
My emotional imbalance was starting to make me veer towards immediate gratification and my mind is also starting to sexualise many of the past experiences I had while giving me sleepless nights as well.
I shall look at a chain that is currently bugging me and how I can make use of this lesson to help me.

Compulsive chain: Searching for sexual partners online/ via app
- triggered by voyeurism or fetish and past experience
- try to recreate fantasy by looking for someone online or in contact list
- make sure no one else is around the computer or mobile phone
- start private browser and chat site or messaging (point of no return)
- state intentions clearly about sexual preference and fantasy
- do not reveal personal identity other than exchange of photos for chance of meet up
- get turned on when chat partner matches person who can fulfil sexual fantasy
- arrange to meet up and exchange contacts
- anticipate meeting the person and feel accomplished in finding sexual partner

Decision based on healthy values:
- triggered by voyeurism or fetish and past experience
- try to recreate fantasy by looking for someone online or in contact list
- make sure no one else is around the computer or mobile phone
- if I attempt to meet the sexual partner, I would be exposed to physical danger
- consider how it would make others feel if they see me chatting about my sexual exploits
- will I be at peace with myself when I perform such actions subsequently?
- can I face my family and loved ones without guilt and shame if they find out about these acts?
- did I speak up to communicate what is causing my distress and imbalance in the first place?
- how can I become happier and healthier in such a situation?
- talk to someone close or god and seek help from them
- I can definitely have control over being a happy and healthy person.
- I will not allow myself to use sexual compulsion as an outlet for instant gratification anymore.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 12:18 am 
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Lesson 47 Exercise:
1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and documetn these in your recovery thread.
2. With each scenario:
Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.


I have decided to document this down as it is the most common scenario or trigger that I come across on a daily basis:
- I see someone while shopping/driving/working outside and find the person attractive
- The person is wearing uniform/ executive and that makes me anxious and start fantasizing
- I will try to look at the person more and focus on the physique and crotch area
- I will feel more anticipation and excitement as my emotions start to feel imbalance
- I make sure I remember how the person looks and try to use it as an object of fantasy later (point of no return)

I am able to make a values-based decision prior to the point of no return:
- I see someone while shopping/driving/working outside and find the person attractive
- Affirm myself that this person is just another being and has a life and role to play
- I should not infringe upon the privacy and personal space of the person by looking/ following or objectifying them
- I am also able to be an attractive person and dress up just as good as them
- I am capable of accepting myself and the values that I hold as a person
- I am proud to play my role as a son, husband and father and not have to do anything to be ashamed of
- My emotions are a part of me but they do not control me as they come and go
- I do not need to give in to my emotions and compulsive actions



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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 6:40 pm 
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Lesson 48 Exercise:
1. If you do not know how to role play, learn. Ask about it in the forums, pick up a book on visualization...this is too valuable of a tool to not master. It will provide you with the ability of not only mastering situations now, but in maintaining your proficiency down the road.
2. For each of the next three days, find an opportunity to complete each of the three skills mentioned in this lesson: role-playing/visualization; anticipating; actively seeking opportunity. It doesn't matter what you apply these skills to — even if the behavior is unrelated to sexual addiction.
3. When you feel that you are proficient with how to use each of these skills, say so in your recovery thread.


I have more confidence in the mastery of skills in role-playing and anticipating. However, there are still portholes that I must consciously look out for such as during role-play I make the effort to look into my values and not mire in the depth of fantasy when the emotional imbalance starts to tip. Also, sometimes role-play or anticipation will also trigger some past memories and the 'devil' will again tempt to take the easier route of instant gratification of seeking sexual pleasure or going back to addiction. I am sure that I want to take the route of a values-based decision making mindset and live my life healthily as compared to what was constantly troubling me in the past.
In the part of active seeking, I feel that I still have room for improvement as I am constantly not giving myself enough time to do so. Typically, I get overwhelmed or swarmed with other responsibilities such as work, taking care of the household or running errands that I forget to focus on my well-being. I also often get interrupted when I am trying to have more time communicating with my wife as our kids come between us during conversations. However, I will continue to put in effort to make sure that I pursue a more healthy self and give more priority to taking care and being healthy myself.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 6:58 pm 
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Lesson 49 Exercise:
At this point, it would be beneficial to get a 'snapshot' of where you are at in terms of overall health. Complete the Sexual Health Assessment you first completed at the start of the workshop. If you are in coaching, your submission will be reviewed by a coach.


I do not have a coach for this exercise but I thought it is good to review my daily and weekly monitoring.

1) I will seek out opportunities to experience calmness and balance throughout the day and share my thoughts as openly as possible. This will be placed as a note in my wallet.
The note in my wallet still reminds me time to time to maintain my calmness and seek opportunities to share my thoughts with my loved ones.

2)
- Have I managed to spend enough time with my family and create moments of communication with them?
- Did I remember to spend some time on exercise and take care of my physical well being?
- Can I manage the stress and level of intensity at work? How have I communicated this to my family/friends?
- Did I resolve all the issues faced at home? Did i practice patience, love and concern to my family?
- How have I given myself time to develop and maintain emotional health and strength?
- Have I resort to any compulsive behaviors to feel better in the past week?
- Did I prepare myself for the occasions that are going to happen that can make me more stressed or unhappy?
- On a scale of 1-10, how would i rate my overall emotional balance for the past week? How can I improve this in the coming week?
The greatest achievement and satisfaction from my weekly monitoring comes from the fact that I no longer feel bound by my past actions and focus more on my well-being. I can also prioritise and know what I should focus on to continue a healthy lifestyle in general.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:37 pm 
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Lesson 50 Exercise:
Once you have applied effective urge control — once you have identified the emotional elements of a compulsive urge, isolated the element that exists just prior to the 'point of no return' and put yourself in a position to make a rational decision in what was once a compulsive moment — the next step is to make the decision and accept the consequences for whatever decision you make.

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?
D. Document your thoughts in your recovery manager.


A. I expect that the consequences will be one that will allow me to look back and still be proud of myself. I will be able to hold my head up high and say "Yes, i did the right thing." It will enable me to face the people I love and tell them that I continue to value them and myself in the ways that I belief in myself. It might frustrate me a little for a start when I do not seem to give in to immediate gratification to satisfy my urge, but it will come to light that not giving in to the urge reinforces my values in the end.

B. I have done this before and the consequences have been a more reclusive self, a need to hide information and secrets from those that I love and when the secret is being found out I feel very ashamed and guilty of what I have done. Sure, the immediate satisfaction and urges might have been satisfied, but they cannot be sustained for long and another vicious cycle is definitely going to come around again next time.

C. It seems easy to say it now, but when stuck in a compulsive ritual it is really difficult to pull out from it. So it is important that awareness via self monitoring and the skills of anticipation and role-playing as taught in this workshop is constantly applied to prevent even a possible slip into the compulsive acts by giving in to the urges. An emotion based decision is temporal, it might be able to give immediate relief and satisfaction but does not solve the root of a problem. It comes back again from time to time whenever the emotional scale tips over and an individual will need to 'enhance' the stimulus required to make the satisfaction even 'better'. In the long run, this not only adds additional burden but brings about destructive consequences to a person's physical and social well-being. Values- based decision brings about stability, as it makes use of an individual's own pillar and core values to anchor to his decisions. Even if the immediate results are not observed, the person is able to justify in the long term that the course of action is something that he can live with and not feel upset about. In terms of identity, values based decision will strengthen the core belief that a person holds while emotions based ones will erode it.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 3:53 am 
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Lesson 51 Exercise:
To make a healthy decision — to master the skill of making healthy decisions — you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.
Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:
i. You make the decision to act on this option
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret



A: One of the rituals would be the trigger for compulsive action when sexual urge arises due to stress or boredom.

B:
Option 1: Masturbate immediately to satisfy urge — Remains an option; value independence; value the right to masturbate
Option 2: Consider values and look for alternatives like exercise and talk to wife later— Remains an option; proud to tell wife about it; value time management; value maturity; value emotional control
Option 3:View porn and satisfy desires — No longer an option; Violates boundary: I will not do anything that I wouldn't feel good telling my wife about openly. No further examination needed
Option 4: Look for sexual partners to meetup — No Longer an Option; Violates boundary: I will act in a way that I would want my son to act if he were in my shoes. No further examination needed
Option 5: Wake up partner to discuss the situation — Remains an option; value communication, openness
Option 6: Get support, counselor, etc. to discuss the situation — Remains an option: no values or boundaries violated
Option 7: Ignore for a while but fantasize/Masturbate about it later — Remains an option. Boundaries allow for occasional masturbation/fantasy. Could tell wife about it comfortably.


C:
Anticipating the Consequences of Option #1:
Most likely consequences if I choose this option:
Excitement, temporary emotional satisfaction, reduced sleep, anxiety of getting caught
Most likely consequences if I do not choose this option:
Pride in making a value-based decision, additional time, temporary increase in anxiety
Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
Guilt, shame, anger from spouse, embarrassment, emotional chaos
Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
Guilt, shame, disappointment in self

Anticipating the Consequences of Option #2:
Most likely consequences if I choose this option:
Satisfaction in being healthier, happier and choosing values over compulsion.
Most likely consequences if I do not choose this option:
Feeling certain anxiety in not satisfying urge
Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
Openness is valued
Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
Satisfaction in choosing values

Anticipating the Consequences of Option #5:
Most likely consequences if I choose this option:
Satisfaction in being healthier, happier and choosing values over compulsion.
Most likely consequences if I do not choose this option:
Feeling certain anxiety in not satisfying urge
Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
Openness is valued
Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
NIL

Anticipating the Consequences of Option #6:
Most likely consequences if I choose this option:
Feeling weak and needing help.
Most likely consequences if I do not choose this option:
Feeling pent up anxiety in not satisfying urge
Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
Shame, lack of values or strength
Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
Satisfaction in choosing to get support over satisfying urge

Anticipating the Consequences of Option #7:
Most likely consequences if I choose this option:
Empowered for a while, then guilt and shame for later actions
Most likely consequences if I do not choose this option:
Built up anxiety and more fantasizing later
Most likely consequences if this behavior is discovered:
Shame and guilt for giving in to sexual urges and compulsion
Most likely consequences if this behavior is not discovered:
Guilt and anxiety builds up for next cycle of emotional instability[/color]


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:44 pm 
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Lesson 52 Exercise:
This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.
Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial. For instance, certain Eastern practices where people can isolate the physical pain they are experiencing from their spiritual selves and thus, manage that pain with ease. And no, you can't use that as your example! There are thousands of such potential applications — albeit not as dramatic. Share this in your thread.
What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.


One example that I can think of isolating emotions in the workplace is when there are deadlines to be met and there are times that we can look at the tasks objectively and just carry out as planned. Although there might be physical discomforts like working late, rushing through meals and not having enough rest or emotional feelings of frustration and stress, at the end of the day the job gets done.
In a way, similar to detaching emotions in value based making decision we get the 'job done' for the benefit of ourselves and ignore the temporary discomforts in the short term.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 2:15 am 
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Lesson 53 Exercise:
When it comes time to actually make the decision as to what action you are going to take next, it is not always easy to separate the healthy options from the destructive ones. The ones based on values versus the ones based on emotions. Often, these two areas overlap. This is where experience, time and a commitment to make what you believe to be the best choice at that time comes in.

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values — and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values — and therefore, a healthy act.

B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

Hint: think romantic relationships, fantasizing, etc.


A. Masturbation is against my value of being truthful and honest in my relationship and also not being a person that I would like to be as a husband, father and son if it is done in a way that is only to satisfy my sexual urge or compulsive behaviour. It would be within my values if it has been communicated to my loved ones and I know that in doing the act I am not deceiving those that I love, including myself.

B. In the past, the acts of sexual engagement with other partners and private masturbation conflicts directly with my value of having an open and honest relationship with my loved ones. It also creates tension and guilt when I try to deceive others and myself in trying to live out in another world of fantasy and brings me further from the values that represent who I am. In avoiding conflicts with some of my loved ones, I have sidestepped some of my values and taken pride away from myself. I know now that I will need to assert and not violate the boundaries that I value or communicate openly when there are conflicts to find consensus to the issue together with my loved ones.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 2:03 am 
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Lesson 54 Exercise:
In your recovery thread:
A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

Example: Last month, I had the opportunity to take credit for the work of someone else. Because I value the importance of working hard to achieve personal success, I decided not to take such credit. The negative consequences that resulted were that I was not able to experience the accompanying praise from my boss; that I was not given credit that would have enhanced the probability of a promotion; that another coworker was seen as being more talented than me.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

Example: While surfing the Internet, I was redirected to a site that offered a free week of unlimited online dating services. Though I knew that I had no business being at such a site, I clicked on the link and signed up for the free trial because it sounded like harmless fun. Lying about my marital status, I began searching for people to interact with...and engaged in several online affairs. The positive consequences that resulted were that I felt free and playful. My mind was filled with all sorts of fantasies and the online interactions were intellectually stimulating.

The point to this exercise is to reinforce the reality that most all actions have both positive and negative consequences attached to them. When you evaluate the consequences of a particular decision, it is vital that you take into account all of the consequences — not just those that reinforce what you want to believe. In other words, do not fool yourself into thinking that all value-based action is healthy; and all emotion-based action is destructive. To do so is to destabilize the reality of the life that you are building and ultimately such thinking will lead you to disillusionment and regret.


A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I have been working in my organisation for some time and my boss values me for the work that I have done. He has given me an opportunity to take on roles that will continue to give me good appraisals for performance and a prospective promotion in a few years. However, I had to reject him on taking a major role this year as my wife became pregnant and her delivery date is close to the date that the role I am invited to take on will be most important. I have given up the chance to get a good appraisal for the coming year and future promotion as I value being a supportive husband and good father to my coming baby.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

There was an instance where I felt very restless and had a couple of days before not very well rested. That night while showering I decided to masturbate and fantasized about some of the events that came from past experiences with my sexual partners. A positive consequence that came from it was I was stimulated and felt in control, as well as having better able to rest at night. Of course, there were also negative feelings of guilt and shame that came after that.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 8:00 pm 
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Lesson 58 Exercise:
Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.
Post these in your thread.


It has been a while since I last posted here and it does feel a little weird to come back in to post reply when it is reinforced that I am experiencing transition into less dependence on the forum on my road to recovery.
Anyway, here's my reply to the exercise above:

#1: More stressors faced in my life due to work demands or family commitments as my family grows.
Action plan: recognize that stress is a common part of life and find healthy ways to regain balance. eg. writing, religion, music, talking to loved ones, meditation, exercise, play.

#2: Accidental triggers when I go about my day-to-day activities. eg porn or sexual content
Action plan: identify the feeling that the trigger brings about and understand the emotional imbalance that comes about with it. Follow up with value based assessment and decision and be aware of all the consequences of actions.

#3: Chance of an affair: when someone attractive makes advances or flirts with me
Action plan: prior role play should already be done to identify all the possible actions and consequences when dealing with a third party in relationships. My values should be set in the right place and as a person with a family, I should not entertain the idea of having an affair with another person as it will jeopardize the relationship with my loved ones.

#4: I find myself lying more and more about what I am doing when alone
Action plan: recognize that any secrets or hidden truths is not healthy and might lead to shame and guilt in the future. Identify ways of revealing the truth through 'confession time' sessions with loved ones or seek professional help through counselors

#5: I get upset with my loved ones over issues at home and need to talk about it/find an outlet
Action plan: Understand the very fact that my emotional imbalance stems from my concern and love for them and that the issues can be addressed by discussion and taking further action as a unit. If our views continue to diverge, then seek professional help or ask for common third party opinions.

I am thankful for the time spent for each of these lessons here and know that I am recovering slowly through this forum.
:g:


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