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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2016 10:03 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Lesson One
A:
a) Actively committing yourself to change - I want to be honest with myself about how much I want to change permanently at this point, after years of recovery/relapse. Distinguishing the part of myself that takes pleasure in the various genres of sensuality put forth by pornography, from the part of me that finds true joy in forging deeper and more meaningful relationships with Christ, my wife, and friends and family, is very hard in the wake of being an active accomplice to compulsive behaviors. Right now I am committed to actively using these tools where before during pre-marital counseling we were advised to use it and have passively talked about it.

b) Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change - Considering how much shame I dealt with as a single man who didn't believe a woman would ever love me knowing my past, moving on to dating my wife and her standing by me when the subject came up early on in our relationship and dealing with the fact that I knew I had to be better to rise up to the challenges of a real relationship, to struggling with the confession and cathartic purging and explaining the compulsiveness to her and commitments to call or text when I felt triggered, to now realizing today that I must take bold active steps to take charge of my life vision - and shame and guilt shall not change that realization that I can as a man take charge of my dissatisfaction in career, in attitude, and in compulsive behavior.

c) Allowing yourself time to change - I really don't like this one. I'm not a believer in intellectual knowledge being all-powerful or my knowledge of addiction and compulsive behavior would have resolved it, but yet I react as if my knowledge and desire to change should give me the Eureka! moment and life is a cakewalk in that respect from now on. I must accept, not on the surface but truly accept as a part of my history, that through a teenager's ignorance and a young man's deception, I as a growing adult must take the long road to recovery to develop to the emotional, mental, physical, complete skill set that was never developed in the arrested makeup of my high school/college/single adult years. Time has been very kind to me and now it's time to be kind to it and make the most of its bequeathed moments.

B. Reasons I am seeking to permanently change my life

Because I want to take control away from the fear of living a life without pornography. (Deep down, I am afraid of never seeing or hearing or masturbating to the sights and sounds and scenarios of pornography, because i will miss out on an exciting and entertaining means of escaping boredom and dissatisfaction with my day at work, physical feeling of health or restfulness, and such other temporary anxieties and fears that trigger compulsive medicating with pornography.)

Because I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ and want to live a life that allows others to see Him in me. (I recognize the program does not insist or rely on anything spiritual, yet this is a reason for me to want to permanently change my life. I grew up religious but didn't begin to know Christ personally until after my freshman year of college. Pornography has stunted my view of and trust in God, and only when he brought me and my wife together in starting to date each other did He break through my lies and show me He's capable of giving me everything I thought pornography disqualified me from and scarred me up from being desirable to Him and a potential spouse. Knowing her and being constantly loved and supported rather than torn down has been an inspiration and I want to grow in faith from this place rather than constantly trying to erase and start over.)

Because I want to make myself let go of the illusion of having it all. (Pornography makes it seem like I can have the thrill of being with every kind of woman along any distinguishing characteristic, and by living a life free from it I am missing out on potential life experiences. That is an illusion as pornography always leaves me with nothing tangible, just wasted time and an increased compulsive desire for what I did see and didn't see during that relapse period. Also in life, I want to take charge and accept that I will have to settle into a career and, even if its not a passionate career, that I can be responsible and competent and provide for my family and pursue passions elsewhere.)

Because I want to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my wife when we look back on our time together. (As a Christian I understand mortality and life's limited sphere here compared to the endless life to come, yet that does not exclude me from any of humanity's common traits and that includes the inability to truly wrap the mind and heart around our limited time of life. Six months will turn into a year and five years and ten years and two kids before we know it and I want us to be better best friends, better adventurers in this wonderful world, better lovers of the shared body, soul, and spirit that we commit to each other. We absolutely love spending time together and I want that to be able to take flight with nothing holding us back for all the years to come!)

I want to respect women as human beings rather than the evil imagination that if I could, that part of me would bend them all to my will and violate their free will and self-respect and disregard everything I truly value as a person (empathy, compassion, healing, charity, encouragement, appreciating the beauty of life without coveting another's happiness for yourself when I have my own and it is wonderful) to satisfy an unsatisfiable monster.

Because I want to leave a lasting legacy for our family. (I want our future children and their children and all our extended family to know true love and affection, to know they are truly cared for without exception, to know Him who is Love and enables us to love more than we're capable of on our own. A life free of pornography and full of value-based liberty will enable me to teach the lessons and spend the time and share the heart with my wife, future children, and everyone else with the knowledge that it actually can make a difference not in theory but in practice because my life has been redeemed by developing as a mature person beyond the mistakes of my past.)

That reason above also plays into me being a person who feels they have nothing to hide when I am asked "How are you?" by a friend, family member, etc. I want to be able to meaningfully answer, I am well, without the sneaking feeling I'm not being honest with tem or myself. I know this isn't ten to fifteen but seven thought-out reasons for now :)

C) Sharing with myself and my wife :)


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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 6:54 am 
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hello Recnation

looks like an open honest and thus positive start
so welcome to RN

Quote:
Deep down, I am afraid of never seeing or hearing or masturbating to the sights and sounds and scenarios of pornography, because i will miss out on an exciting and entertaining means of escaping


we all start from similar places but best to reflect upon the fear of NOT recovering
believe me I know from my experiences that addiction when left to rule becomes ever more demanding and we allow ourselves to become more and more enmeshed in its grip, but you have decided enough
:g:
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


your vision is next
our life visions are the cornerstone of the foundations for our future
maybe before doing yours reflect on
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=18746
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 10:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Thanks for the post you suggested for developing the vision, it's been a couple of days but been dwelling on the subject some and enjoying the three-day weekend. ^_^

I'll start with your suggested post, then go back to the lesson's exercises.

1) The Very End - looking back on my life, I want for myself, and others, to see a life that was lived freely in respect to living life's adventure. Not just that I traveled, but that I took in all the things each city and its people exude from the very nature of being in this world. Not just that I helped others, but that a person, a family, a neighborhood or community, know they were truly appreciated for their own inherent worth more than any benefit I get from being there for them as a channel of God's love and working in redeeming and rebuilding lives and homes and places. Not just that I loved my wife, and whatever children we have, but that I was unashamedly loving of her and of being married to her for all those years; to be a champion of love and affection, not self-deprecating or jokingly deprecating of our love or marriage or working together, but a celebrator of it at all times to the encouragement and strengthening of all our hearts.

2) The Very Beginning - I remember being a kid that really like building with Legos, that would make things that were both colorful and yet sensible in a way to whatever story I wanted to tell. I've always liked reading and adventuring in books, and any time in the car, when I wasn't asleep, I'd look in forests and wonder what is out there - I still do that sometimes! I liked presenting a story, not in a traditional story-telling way, but I liked pretending to host the Price is Right, or announcing a football game. The idea of painting a picture and others seeing exactly what I was feeling was exciting, and when others pick up on my vision and excitement that's really gratifying, especially as an introvert who values close friendships and shares only with a few people my inner excitement.

I played sports but never worked hard at them to get better, except maybe golf sometimes. I loved math, won awards all through school but got a big head, and that bubble made me obnoxious when it came to academics and when that bubble burst in grad school I was lost as to what my worth and place was in life and society. It's that feeling of special ability that makes me feel worth something in the eyes of others that I try to replicate and get emotionally insecure about that, not that I forget I'm inherently valuable as a creation and child of God, but that I do want to express myself in a way that others see me in that way too.

I wished then that I could host a game show, or run a sports team, or be president, that could help share and create a compelling image and message to others, and felt bad that life seemed so ordinary in contrast. The older I became, I still had big dreams but was unaware that I would feel where I was from and how we lived would keep me down in my heart, and resentful and disappointed I didn't get to do what I dreamed, become too proud of what I had, and never truly OK and satisfied with the perfectly great life I could have.

3) Your Ideal Self - The idea of giving grand speeches that move people is very exciting to me, that people's hearts are moved, because it is meaningful to me when others move me that way in words both written and spoken. I take for granted my enjoyment of reading and the fact that I can free-write out some emotions I'm feeling when enthralled and rarely do so as much as I could.

Adventure excites me, even though I'm comfortable being a home-centric person and often uncomfortable in a group even with my best friends, but the idea of being secure in myself and who I'm with and taking in something new excites me, although I hold myself back at times because I'm image-conscious and think others would rather I be cool about it when I'm bursting with genuine amazement. An ideal me would not hold back at being amazed to be flying in an airplane and see a sea of clouds from the window when that is a breathtaking sight! ^u^ I take for granted that ability to take in things at times with a caring eye but let more doubting and self-critical feelings keep me back from being more like that, which would be exciting and meaningful to me.

An ideal me would not hold back (positive phrasing: would let loose) when it came to giving resources to others in need, to encouraging others and be worry-free about seeming patronizing, to caring about each individual person as I meet them instead of giving in to people's group think about issues connected to age, race, class, etc. but treat their issues at the level of the heart and soul. It hurts my heart to feel anyone talked about without empathy and grace and lack of seeing humanity in others.

4) My Dream Life - I would be with my wife, we would be free for her to pursue her art and our family would have bills paid off. As to what I would do, I cannot say with any certainty at this point, which is disconcerting ._.

I would travel but also be comfortable at home with our family, read and write in order to take in and grow as a person while sharing insights and truths in a caring and meaningful way with others. I don't have a career I would continue in, and don't know what I'd like to do as work is an important part of life that I feel stuck in.

There are thing that seem attractive as skills or careers (writing, restoring old items - cars, wood, homes - or making new items, teaching love of learning at a basic level, playing golf really well), but I don't know if I have the patience and drive to stick with it, I have trouble deriving value from activities that didn't used to be an issue it seems. Although I'm growing that part of life now, bought a book about architecture since I enjoy seeing the different styles of homes in our eclectic neighborhood and am excited to learn about a subject like I was back in school again! :D

5) See official vision, felt like grouping together would take place in writing sentences involving those traits would be more useful to me than just a grouping exercise.


Official Exercise's Vision:

My vision is to promote a connection with myself to develop emotional maturity and a connection with my wife, my family and friends, and all I meet that values, in a very meaningful way, empathy, patience, insightfulness, understanding, peace and tranquility in the heart, mind, body and soul.

To promote a joy of learning through experience, clear-mindedness, awareness, learning with a heart that pushes my understanding of thing I take pleasure in, continually growing in discovering joy in immersion in what I value, a change of culture that enjoys knowledge and personal growth and accepts the joy of these values with acceptance that it is natural to evolve over time while knowing what core values and personality traits are natural and will remain over a lifetime. ^u^

To promote a deep belief and security in my faith in Christ that allows me to share his gospel in word and deed that reflects His selflessness and sacrifice, kindheartedness, loving authority when it comes to perceptiveness into the needs of redemption and unity within the human spirit, a vision of life that accepts stillness and quietude, mercy and grace, faithfulness and modesty, freedom and joyfulness in wisdom and thankfulness. To be OK with being OK, to know I am not a hostage but a free man whose ransom has been paid.

To develop the ability to focus and know focus comes from a place of, and thereby promotes, calmness, direction, organization, preparedness, proactivity, so I may be dependable for others in providing quality service in problem-solving and results and thereby giving the gift of feeling valued because of the effort I give when there is no direct benefit for myself and only others.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2016 6:27 pm 
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Lesson 3

B) List of Values in Vision

Connected to my own feelings
Developing emotional maturity
Strengthening my role as a partner to my wife
Feeling masculine
Strengthening my role as a close friend to best man friend
Taking care of others in need
Developing patience
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Feeling unconditional love
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Wisdom
Promoting inner peace and a trusting calm spirit
Intellectual growth, debate, communication
Communicating feelings
Indulging in creative inspiration, development
Taking a step back from noise at work, home, self, and act on truth
Organization in physical form to relieve stress on the mind
Personal growth, development
Feeling sexually desired
Physical health
Selflessness
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Bringing joy to others
Honesty
Humbleness
Being considerate of others
Being considerate of myself, these are hand-in-hand
Putting other’s needs before my own
Taking care of myself
Being a role model for my family
Living with integrity (To take care of my life's direction even when life's crosswinds try to blow me off course)
Living with compassion
Sharing my true self with the world around me (when I am more secure in what my loved ones see as truly the heart of me ; u ; which is much kinder than my own view of self a times, accepting by embracing true forgiveness which I'm given by Christ)
Strengthening my role as a coworker
Being dedicated
Showing appreciation towards others
Providing quality in my work
Staying active (even in actively resting)
Being dependable

May come back and add upon review and working further

Dare-Side Values:
**Experiencing the taboo or forbidden
**Exalting the high I receive above the injury to myself, my wife, and family because of the depression that occurs afterwards because I violate my values
**Greedily hoarding physical beauty for my own self instead of wishing women well and their beauty being appreciated as a fellow human seeing the image of God in them, and their hidden personal beauty being kept for their spouse as mine is special to my wife and hers to me
**Escaping the pressures of stalling at work, or not liking I distract myself from work, and wanting not to be distracted nor actually work and being caught in between and using this as a breaking point "reliever"
**Creating an imaginary world where I am my own god instead of valuing and developing a reality that makes less of me and more of Christ and serves the ones I love and true joy and acceptance is found in such service and receiving loving service of others


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 6:51 pm 
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Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been working on this and given some ups and dons the last few days including today, wanted to reevaluate what I've work on so far before making priorities in my values.

Here they are:

Developing emotional maturity
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Personal growth, development
Strengthening my role as a partner to my wife
Feeling unconditional love
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Promoting inner peace and a trusting calm spirit
Developing patience (including self-restraint and perseverance)
Living with integrity (To take care of my life's direction even when life's crosswinds try to blow me off course)
Wisdom
Feeling sexually satisfied in my wife
Physical health
Feeling masculine
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Sharing my true self with the world around me (being secure in what my loved ones see as truly the heart of me)
Organization in physical form to relieve stress on the mind
Selflessness while taking care of myself


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 10:05 pm 
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Sorry I haven't posted in a while, working on Action Plan


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 12:00 pm 
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Just got back from vacation, off all week so made time to finish working on a couple of simple action plans

Physical health
Exercise for at least 30 minutes, either at the gym or walking, 3-4 times a week
Planning healthy snacks to eat in place of doughnuts, not eating at work
Taking one break every hour at work to walk around and move my body


Strengthening My Role as a Husband Partner to Wife

Improving/Maintaining Communication
Share with absolute honesty/absence of secrecy
Express my emotions openly and spontaneously
Express my emotions with vulnerability (e.g. without fear of being judged or rejected)
Monitor Wife for signs of frustration and work to overcome this, not get drawn into it
Monitor myself for signs of frustration and engage in my action plan for anger/frustration
Initiate meaningful communication on a daily basis.
Answer Wife's questions with more than one or two word responses
If it is inconvenient for me to communicate with her at a particular time, communicate this to her.
But remember my priorities and when I do communicate, be fully engaged

Organization, maintenance of the home
Sit down with Wife this week to prioritize home maintenance/chore issues
Use maturity in problem solving each issue
Remember that not all of life is emotionally rewarding. I will need to set aside certain times of my life to do what needs to be done so that such a burden doesn't fall to my partner
Plan shopping list for menus
Share in meal preparation and/or clean-up

Support, encourage Wife's personal development
Encourage her health through compliments and endearment
Encourage her art through helping set time aside for drawing, design

Loving Each Other
Work as partners
Being receptive to Wife initiating non-sexual physical touch/affection
Offer verbal confirmations of appreciation, admiration, love
Engage in actions that will affirm that Wife is special
Written professions and Verbal statements
Thoughtful surprises, be they gifts or acts of service
Spending quality time in non-electronic ways

Accepting Love from Each Other
Acknowledge our vulnerability
Initiate equally
Actively seek out love and validation from each other
Actively communicate unfulfilled needs of wanting to feel wanted, desired
Acknowledge my inability to rightly perceive my own self rightly and accept Wife's heart-ministry of showing dedicated love, partnership, companionship, and laughter
Acknowledge that we are not perfect people, there are none, yet Christ makes us more perfect for Him and each other whenever we cry out to Him and see Him in each other, breeding love

Developing Sexual Intimacy
Experience sexual activity as a time of fun and enjoyment
Actively pursue tenderness
Release myself from the pressure of performance and/or always experiencing emotional depth
Establish consistency with frequency of sexual activity
Explore initiation, acceptance rituals together


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 7:04 pm 
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Been reading different topics on and off, up and down but better in intellectual understanding but yet to find internal heartfelt proof, and after a relapse today and reading the Unhealthy and Healthy Recovery Patterns, have determined I am in about 80-20 in the early recover phase but making progress, yet that progress is limited by my lack of investment ant trust in the RN process. I desperately now want for self to have a healthy life, where choosing to find ways of solving getting stuck at work or getting bored are constructive and professional, and my life is not taken from me by my initial mistake and developed rituals and chains.

I will be starting over from Lesson 1, but this time knowing that I am not specially defective, but am deficient in my own personal means to handle this situation. I am definitely, as the Early Recovery - Unhealthy puts it, feeling like a "Lost soul" in terms of interest, career, enjoyment of hobbies, etc. and cannot solve all of that or understand right now, can only focus on this one isolated area that does have consequences.

I want to publicly thank my wife for always having faith in God our Father to hold me, and as she told me, trusting me more often than finding me exhausting, etc. that spouses are described here as feeling. She obviously does not want in in our life, and has made it clear that she sands at the crossroads with me while I must take us along the right path. I have a great wife and marriage kept by our love and God's love, and a job that while it isn't exciting has allowed me some freedom that I often take for granted, and want to grow as a good worker and boss to live a good example of capable life in front of others.

I'm doing this for me now, and not others above me or below me, but me and all those with me. I'm no longer concerned if anyone reads this or posts, as long as I keep track of my journey for the benefit of buying in to my name and person no longer being associated in my own mind with loser, awkward, different, but with Loved, Beloved, Appreciated, Respected, and all the things that I have been humbled to be called by my family, friends, coworkers in this one life I can live freely from this day forward.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2016 4:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Quote:
I'm doing this for me now,

:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

its the only way forwards
now lets see you moving forwards consistently

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:33 pm 
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A-1: This last time has led me to actively believe that RN can work, will work if I actively pursue it, that I can be the man, and within that husband/future father/friend/worker and boss/servant to God, that I want to be and admire those qualities in others, rather than receive praise and love without feeling undeserving because of the compulsive behavior that has occupied my life for far too long.

A-2: The first effort that petered out did allow me to learn a lot of intellectual insights that over time in thought broke through my weighing the effort/reward ratio of RN and other processes (exercise, communication, reading, etc.) and now see RN as a good work given by God for me to do and become the person I can be. I really feel squarely in the third and positive category.

A-3: Like I did 3 years ago when I changed eating habits and lost weight and did races, although I’ve gained it back, I experienced that change is possible given time and effort and a plan that you believe will work. I look forward to having the same foundation of experiencing the efforts make real change over time.

The fact that I finally began to believe this is not punishment but a chance to gain life skills, like anyone who combats a physical disease or disorder and learns to manage blood sugar, weight, etc., has made a big difference in my expectations and willingness to put in full effort.

B. Regain a sense of personal motivation to achieve goals at work (began to question meaning of all efforts and thought it was I needed a socially contributive job, but it’s more the compulsions that robbed me of being motivated to work hard for its own reward); build a sense of self-love and self-respect so as to fully appreciate love and respect of others; to experience the freedom of proper boundaries as an individual within close relationships (marriage, friendship, family) and thereby be fully available to give myself instead of passively being there (passiveness is not politeness!); be able to pursue true enjoyments of life (reading, nature, studying, games, etc.); feel sufficient as a person to allow full focus on lives of loved ones and their pursuits (wife’s interests and pursuits, friends’ activities, etc.) rather than be divided with one eye on myself at all times; experience joys or marital life (intimacy, quality time, etc.) with more peace day to day; experience conversations with others seeing my true self instead of being me but with some personal turbulence in back of mind making me passive; value my identity enough to fail trying new recipes in the kitchen or activities I’ve never done before without judging my worth but accepting my own life experiences as they are (if someone asks me to shoot a gun or build something, not fearing their opinion because I’m bad at both due to lack of experience, or playing a bad round of golf which is expected with lack of practice). That’s what I’ve got for now :)

C. Already have a couple of K-1st Grade school pictures from that young age, and I remember him being so full of love and enjoyment for learning and playing and how beloved of my parents he was and that our value is based not on what we do (a six-year old hasn’t accomplished much!) but because of who I am and that I can be healthy again and give him and myself back that chance to enjoy a life that isn’t hijacked or occupied by compulsion and is full of development as an adult can be and feel truly grown and true to that child’s dream of being all he could be.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2016 7:46 pm 
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Vision:

Respect. A respect for the choices of others, to live and love and for myself to do the same and join them in loving each other. Respect for my wife's choice everyday to love and marry me, respect for her personality and talents and admiration of me as her husband and respect for all the reasons we began to love each other and continue to do so every day by choice, and when emotion is thrown in to enjoy it while not depending on it to keep our vows of fidelity, honesty, and God's bond of love keeping us together.

Confidence. Confidence in myself to enjoy hard work for its own sake. Confidence that others I know look at me as a friend and equal peer and not as the lesser person I saw and felt in my compulsion. Confidence in my own interests to pursue them and share them while respecting others and taking genuine interest in their pursuits even if it's hard to do so at times - which leads to honesty.

Honesty with myself in my thoughts about their provocation, occupation, and ability to be taken and separated from my ongoing life if they are not helpful in pursuing my vision. Honesty in keeping reality of self-worth in Christ in the forefront of life. Honesty with likes and dislikes while maintaining true tact and politeness, not being passive and unwilling to open myself to others' opinion and inspection, but open with my unique life and sharing it with others.

Honor. Honor not as others see a medieval code, but as a life that takes consideration of what is lasting in a disposable culture, and values that in action and accomplishment for my family and friends and those around me to reap the benefits and me to be blessed internally, recognizing this is unnatural but able due to Christ living in me in the Spirit. To be known as an honorable man, not seeking the praise of man but genuine praise to God by others for me, a bright spot in their life is as good a life to live as any. That truly means a lot to me.

This may be ongoing, but I've spent some tie the last few days considering it and enjoying the true motivation to make this my reality is exciting and not only healing but life-giving ^u^ <3


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 8:48 pm 
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Taken a lot of time the last couple of weeks finding meaningful values for my life, and here they are, and as always, I won't get everything because I'm learning them as I live healthily.

Respect the human dignity of others - U
Treat people with respect in my individual dealings with wife, family, friends, and others - P
Love myself enough to allow myself to experience the power of a healthy life - U
Go back to my vision, values, and experiences to empower me to make the choice to live well - P
Respect my wife's unique person - U
Pause to recall how every human's life is like mine in its depth and complexity and show mercy when impulse is to react negatively - P
Honor the marriage vows of faithful love and commitment for all our life - U
Actively consider how much those mean to each of us and empathize with that in order to accept her love as well as give my love to her - P
Understand emotion has its proper place and allow it to have a healthy part in life - U
When feelings come, consider them with a healthy heart of values - P (neither neuter them with hyper-analysis or brush them off in fear)
Self-confidence and esteem based in inherent personal worth as a child of God - U
Acknowledge truth of that universal value when confronted with situations that create temporary feeling of insecurity - P
Trust people to have basic respect for me at work, with family, and at home - U
Give that respect to others and trust it will be given at the time or over time - P
Pursue my interests in a healthy way that balances with work and home life while allowing personal enjoyment and growth - U
Take 30-60 minutes a day to do something I have a genuine interest in doing, especially reading, playing a game, or studying a subject - P
Respect the life and interests of others - U
Use time and energy to reach out to others in conversation and learn about them - P
Be honest with myself about feelings, thoughts and their relationship - U
When feeling/thought occurs, treat it with time and reflection rather than aggravation - P
Honesty in feeling appreciation or liking an experience or disliking it - U
Handling these feelings with care for others' feelings while being honest with them out of respect for their person and to develop honest perceptions so I feel more fleshed out as a person- P
Honor my role as leader in my own life and my family's life - U
Take an active role in decision-making from meals to meaningful life decisions - P
Be myself - U
Actively answer and share honestly instead of projecting perceived popular opinions in talks with others :) - P
Find meaning in lasting values - U
Spend less time on temporary pleasures (mobile games, online videos) and more each day on lasting life building (reading, studying, productive play) - P

Others contained within my vision but more simply worded by the example list:

Personal growth, development
Living with integrity and compassion
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Developing roles involved in partnering with my wife
Fidelity in mind, heart, body, spirit, and soul with my wife
Strengthening my role as a close friend to best friends
Strengthening my role as a coworker and boss
Being a dedicated person
Showing appreciation towards others
Developing intellectual depth for kind purposes
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Providing quality in my work
Being playful
Being dependable - Sense of responsibility - Being known as reliable
Honesty - Be known as truthful and honest
Being considerate of others - Putting other’s needs before my own
Being considerate of myself
Taking care of myself - Physical health
Being a role model for my family
Being a role model for others
Living an adventurous life
Loving others - Taking care of others in need - Sacrificing for others
Being loved, needed by others - Being validated by others
Developing emotional maturity
Pursuing a career change or embrace development in current career
Establishing financial freedom - Financial stability
Experiencing fatherhood
Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
Feeling empowered
Passionate about life
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Developing sustained friendships
Encouraging my wife's healthy independence and development
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling unconditional love
Indulging in creative inspiration, development
Developing patience
Wisdom
Connected to my own feelings - Communicating feelings
Being identified by others as charming and warm
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Establishing my legacy
Organization
Experiencing uniqueness
Curiosity
Improving my social interactions
Vulnerability
Walking the same path as equals
Sexual intimacy
Physical attraction/Beauty
Masculinity
Feeling happy and content
Friendship
Forgiveness


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 2:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Ordered my paired Universal-Practical Values, then took the top 15-20 example values and ordered them, will review this weekend to see what is practical and needs revision :D

On a personal note, downloaded the iOS 10 today and the gif search feature that's on there triggered me for awhile even if all I could see was YouTube thumbnails; but after a ritual searching for awhile, I re-read the Free Porn article and realized that these things are no longer congruent with who I am and continuing to become and that just because I can't block everything (I've tried!) doesn't mean the infinite triggers have power over me, just have to embrace reality of the emotions once tied to them and still tied but buried somewhere in the hidden identity that is being deconstructed and forgotten as the new true one takes place. Thanks for this site!

Love myself enough to allow myself to experience the power of a healthy life - U
Go back to my vision, values, and experiences to empower me to make the choice to live well – P

Self-confidence and esteem based in inherent personal worth as a child of God - U
Acknowledge truth of that universal value when confronted with situations that create temporary feeling of insecurity - P

Be honest with myself about feelings, thoughts and their relationship - U
When feeling/thought occurs, treat it with time and reflection rather than aggravation - P

Understand emotion has its proper place and allow it to have a healthy part in life - U
When feelings come, consider them with a healthy heart of values - P

Honor my role as leader in my own life and my family's life - U
Take an active role in decision-making from meals to meaningful life decisions - P

Respect my wife's unique person - U
Pause to recall how every human's life is like mine in its depth and complexity and show mercy when impulse is to react negatively - P

Honor the marriage vows of faithful love and commitment for all our life - U
Actively consider how much those mean to each of us and empathize with that in order to accept her love as well as give my love to her - P

Find meaning in lasting values - U
Spend less time on temporary pleasures (mobile games, online videos) and more each day on lasting life building (reading, studying, productive play) - P

Pursue my interests in a healthy way that balances with work and home life while allowing personal enjoyment and growth - U
Take 30-60 minutes a day to do something I have a genuine interest in doing, especially reading, playing a game, or studying a subject - P

Respect the human dignity of others - U
Treat people with respect in my individual dealings with wife, family, friends, and others – P

Trust people to have basic respect for me at work, with family, and at home - U
Give that respect to others and trust it will be given at the time or over time - P

Respect the life and interests of others - U
Use time and energy to reach out to others in conversation and learn about them - P

Be myself - U
Actively answer and share honestly instead of projecting perceived popular opinions in talks with others :) - P

Honesty in feeling appreciation or liking an experience or disliking it - U
Handling these feelings with care for others' feelings while being honest with them out of respect for their person and to develop honest perceptions so I feel more fleshed out as a person- P

Ordered as worded by example list:

Personal growth, development
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Feeling unconditional love
Developing emotional maturity
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Honesty with myself - Connected to my own feelings - Communicating feelings
Developing patience
Passionate about life
Being respected - Being judged trustworthy and honest
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Fidelity in mind, heart, body, spirit, and soul with my wife
Sexual intimacy
Developing roles involved in partnering with my wife
Encouraging my wife's healthy independence and development
Walking the same path as equals
Taking care of myself - Physical health
Developing sustained friendships
Being loved, needed by others - Being validated by others
Experiencing fatherhood


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:31 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Re-ordered after evaluation, using shorter modified example values to express the Universal and Practical Values I've expressed:

Passionate about life
Developing patience
Embracing roles and expressing needs that are involved in partnering with my wife
Personal growth, development - Sense of accomplishment
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Honesty with myself - Developing emotional maturity - Connected to my own feelings - Appreciate life as a whole rather than disconnected years
Taking care of myself - Physical health
Sharing my true self with the world around me - Communicating feelings
Feeling unconditional love as an active truth that makes an impact
Fidelity in mind, heart, body, spirit, and soul with my wife
Sexual intimacy (most important to me is connecting to its true purpose of illustrating the oneness of our marriage to the core of our being; also enjoying healthy curiosity in comfortable exploration in terms of simple and fun things that allow us experience joy without pressure)
Encouraging my wife's healthy independence and development
Appreciating natural beauty/nature especially in walks and picnics for us
Developing sustained friendships
Experiencing fatherhood - Raising a healthy child - Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children

B. Marriage was based on a lot of these values, and to be more accurate, reconnected me to the need for these values to make me a whole person capable of loving her as I always dreamed of loving a girl and now may love the wonderful woman who is the love of my life. As soon as I knew I loved her, I felt the need, unbeknownst exactly in these words until I read this program the first time, to be rid of the things that had broken me down as a person and my ability to make value judgments. God used her to bring me to the place of being broken enough to be reformed and used my wife as a catalyst of compassion and unconditional love.

My career choices were made of necessity because I needed a job out of college and I've advanced to a senior management position at a relatively young age at a smaller company. It's my second job but after six years in the industry I know I have no personal passion for the job but it does allow me some personal freedoms. I've decided to try and embrace the truth of good work being its own reward and feeling accomplished in supporting my family. That ability to care for them still drives me even though I'd much rather have a job I'm passionate about and still provides sufficient income.

C & D. I feel I've achieved realism in the values I've listed, boiling the personal U-P values down to the 15 or so expressed by modified example values. There were some I originally had listed but felt I already meet them in my life to a degree that they were understood to be meant and met by the ones listed and supplement the 75% satisfaction mentioned in the lesson.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 7:43 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Action Plans Part I

This is a hard part for me to put in concrete things I can think of many possibilities for, but finding a set plan and bringinghealthy passion to it is realistic instead of randomly happening upon a solution you are passionate about :)

Developing Sustained Friendships: *Call best friends once a month, text at least once a week to check on their well being **Offer to host or bring a meal when they are having a stressful time or just to have a game night to keep friendship kindled ***Share an interesting article about sports, news, etc. as often as found to connect on subjects of mutual interest or even their own interest to show understanding of their life

Taking Care of Myself - Physical Health: *Exercise for at least 30 minutes at least 4 times a week (been doing it with my wife, we've each lost five pounds so far! :D) **Take significant breaks from work twice a day with non-electronic occupations (read the paper, read a book, go outside and walk around the block, do basic yoga stretches, etc.) ***Go to sleep at an appropriate time to get enough sleep (7.5-9 hours) to help provide energy for exercise, work, and play and it helps lose weight!

Encouraging my wife's healthy independence and development: *Encourage her to take time alone each day to draw and illustrate in her office- she's so talented and we've done conventions showing her art, she gets great responses and I'm so amazed as a non-artistic-talented person at her ideas and ability to bring them out of her mind onto a page ^u^ **Actively pursue conversation about lessons learned at work, so besides the connection and understanding and relief of talking at the end of the day, she can independently handle a confrontation and develop self confidence with coworkers and clients by learning together ***Teach instead of doing things for her, and encourage that independent learning by developing the same spirit within myself of being open to leaning facts, skills, etc. from her that I am unaware of and not feel sheepish or ignorant about it


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