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PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:03 pm 
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Beginning to work on Proactive Action Plans II, feel the renewed need to try and fail on these if I must. My apprehensiveness about setting boundaries for myself has caused me to delay on working on them and some emotions from yesterday evening (reclining on bed in boxers triggered masturbation, energy carried with me through night) ended with me relapsed at work throughout the day. It is heart wrenching to go through this process but not doing so is even worse.

Ever thankful for encouragement and openness from my wife. She told me she wanted to hug me, and I told her I didn't feel desirable but knew she loved me and that's why she wanted to hug me. She replied by saying simply, "You're my husband. I love you and need to hug you, I had forgotten about the word desire." And I felt so in awe of such committed compassionate love and so small at how love truly loves by serving others' needs and fulfillment can only be found by meeting the needs of others and being served by others. I am so unwilling to allow others to do things for me personally and it crushed me to see how that hurts not only me by trying to meet my own needs but my wife and others by keeping them from being fulfilled in their love for me. Mind blown, will now pray and continue on to rise to the road of life and make these action plans a reality for living a healthy life!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 9:24 pm 
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Have had to deal with relapses in increasing frequency (3 weeks to 2 weeks to 6 days) but not counting days as failure but sign of needing to devote more time and energy to recovery process and be at peace with changes in my life the last 2.5 years that my wife so kindly points out to help me not lose sight of progress made during our relationship and she being the catalyst for beginning to desire change ; u ;

Proactive Action Plans II

Passionate about life:
Tell myself the fact that passion is brought with you to what I do, not found hiding in some ethereal mist where a job or activity will provide passion to me; Embrace the truth of serving God in work and deed and word at workplace and that working now is preparation for anything in the future; accept that finding more joy in relationship than in vocation is acceptable as long as vocation is still done with a thankful heart looking to serve God and others.

Developing patience:
When eating hard candy, consciously focus on sucking on them rather than crunching them (may seem small, but it is a source of delayed gratification that helps me develop the skill of focusing); put myself in others' shoes and allow the mind of Christ to determine reaction instead of simply reacting on my own; slow down and think before I speak so that kindness and understanding can be the context for listening and speaking

Embracing roles and expressing needs that are involved in partnering with my wife:
making decisions for family in church participation and giving, and communicating with family about personal events; be honest and forthcoming about needs for quality time together and sharing of burdens and deep listening to each other

Personal growth, development - Sense of accomplishment:
Finish projects, whether that involves reading a book, playing and completing a video game, laundry, shopping, cooking meals and generally providing for our home; take time to do what I know is involved in my roles as a Christian and husband, involving quiet time in study and prayer, making decisions for family in church participation and giving, and communicating with family about personal events

Accepting responsibility for living my life:
Tell myself every day about the relationship of God's power and my submission, that I am held responsible for action and that assumption of responsibility does not require reliance upon my own willpower but His life-changing presence; always call compulsion by its name and not as a curse, incurable disease, or inherent personality flaw

Connecting to purpose, meaning of life:
Read daily Scripture devotion, additional spiritual education (right now that's CS Lewis' The Four Loves) and meaningful fun reading (right now All the Light We Cannot See) to engage in thoughtful communion with God in order to find meaning in his calling and state of abiding with Him; try different activities within church and with friends and enjoy power of discovery of things I may not know I would enjoy; without guilt of past, cherish marriage with my wife and amazing responsibility we have for future children

Honesty with myself - Developing emotional maturity - Connected to my own feelings - Appreciate life as a whole rather than disconnected years:
Honest with wife when old memories come back to me and create turmoil rather than brushing it off and handling it alone internally; accept truth that it is OK to feel negative or immoral thoughts of feelings and the true value is in the proactive plan of holding them captive from the rest of my identity and in the reaction with my body as I do have the choice in moving my hands; accept trials of compulsion as something that could happen to anyone and I am not special in that fact and that every relationship and life has various issues to deal with and this is mine that can be understood, forgiven, and healed and life can be satisfactorily fruitful without guilt for feeling OK about where I am now

Taking Care of Myself - Physical Health: *Exercise for at least 30 minutes at least 4 times a week (been doing it with my wife, we've each lost five pounds so far! :D) **Take significant breaks from work twice a day with non-electronic occupations (read the paper, read a book, go outside and walk around the block, do basic yoga stretches, etc.) ***Go to sleep at an appropriate time to get enough sleep (7.5-9 hours) to help provide energy for exercise, work, and play and it helps lose weight!

Sharing my true self with the world around me - Communicating feelings:
Be honest within myself about thoughts and calculations made in conversation and interaction with others; Admit lack of knowledge in topic of conversation and encourage sharing of understanding to foster open communication

Feeling unconditional love as an active truth that makes an impact:
Read at last two verses every day in Scripture about God’s unconditional love for the world and His children
Tell myself every day that the love of my wife and friends and family is there because of who I am and not what I’ve done, but to experience that love and give it in return in the highest degree, what I do must be the same as who I am


Fidelity in mind, heart, body, spirit, and soul with my wife:

Discuss family decisions (pros and cons, positive and negative consequences) and the feelings attached to them (insecurity in leaving jobs, where/when to buy home, have children) amongst ourselves and not with parents, friends, etc. until we make a decision and then seek wise counsel in handling the decision we’ve made together
Always keep channels of communication open, even when taking time to be silent together and gather thoughts based on fact rather than getting lost in a stream of consciousness
Acknowledge kindness of each others' affection in touch, service, words, even if we don’t feel their effect we should acknowledge their well intentions and be honest in how we feel they can be of best help even if it’s just being quietly reassuring in their presence

Sexual intimacy:
Be honest in differences in male and female in sex, expressing intimacy for women and achieving intimacy for men
Make mutuality a priority, where two people matter and we discuss things rather than one person being passive and submissive in all instances
Acknowledge the use of pornography has hurt my feeling of being available and quality of my intimate feelings that are available to us and also accept forgiveness and know that our intimacy in other parts of life (decision making, conversation) can be part of sexual healing too

Encouraging my wife's healthy independence and development:
Encourage her to take time alone each day to draw and illustrate in her office- she's so talented and we've done conventions showing her art, she gets great responses and I'm so amazed as a non-artistic-talented person at her ideas and ability to bring them out of her mind onto a page ^u^
Actively pursue conversation about lessons learned at work, so besides the connection and understanding and relief of talking at the end of the day, she can independently handle a confrontation and develop self-confidence with coworkers and clients by learning together
Respect the give-and-take nature of learning and instruction instead of doing things for her, and encourage that independent learning by developing the same spirit within myself of being open to leaning facts, skills, etc. from her that I am unaware of and not feel sheepish or ignorant about it

Appreciating natural beauty/nature especially in walks and picnics for us:
Plan one picnic a month / buy flowers for dinner table during winter or summer months where outdoors are not bearable
Plant flowers or herbs in back porch hanging basket
Take 10 minutes every day to enjoy weather, whether it be cold, hot, etc. to escape comfortable bubble of office life and see world as it is
Look at trees, animals, etc. during neighborhood walks instead of phone



Developing sustained friendships:

Call best friends once a month, text at least once a week to check on their well-being
Offer to host or bring a meal when they are having a stressful time or just to have a game night to keep friendship kindled
Share an interesting article about sports, news, etc. as often as found to connect on subjects of mutual interest or even their own interest to show understanding of their life


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 3:26 pm 
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Had a sudden panic with a non-sexual trigger today and feeling bad - cannot take for granted the work here and the work of experiencing these skills in moments during real life.

I will not deceive my wife, last week I explained I sometimes reach out to her in language I feel will soften her response, out of fear and not experience since she is the kindest most honest supporter in this journey towards health through recovery. So I can say I will continue to be honest about deceiving myself and anyone else.

Biggest place to see triggers is image searches at work, starting with innocuous things and paging through results to find similar images following that chain to sexy or semi nude and eventually pornographic images as the ritual carries itself to completion with a maddening energy resisting a premature pause or end to the ritual process.

Other random thoughts about various women - there's no specific person in life, it could be anyone I've seen online, anybody I've ever liked, dated one time or a couple of months (before marriage obviously), random people on tv, anyone - my compulsion will suggest anyone and then choose anyone else once the ritual chain has begun.

I don't have a place I go, Just get frozen at my desk and have trouble getting up and leaving and then feel bad about not working by being away even though that's the best way, being away from my desk for awhile and doing something else, to actually be productive.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:46 am 
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Had another work incident on Tuesday, so I've decided to spend the time and effort to go back through the initial lessons with some different tactics:

Take active notes by hand, as I learn better by writing things out by hand. Taking notes was always so helpful to me when I was a straight-A student in college and reclaiming those skills to help me process and ACTIVELY PURSUE the life skills for having an amazing life.

I turn 30 and have my first anniversary soon. So excited about so many things in my life and this is the one thing holding me back, then there are so much life (work, family, adventures in travel and hobby) that awaits me! My wife tells me how wonderful I am in other areas and I respect her appreciation and it lets me know how much more amazing I can be. Lesson 1 really reminded me of some ongoing issues such as:

A thought chain of obsessive thoughts as normal, perception of myself as abnormal, passive learning (an issue in multiple areas including work progress and hobbies), retaining internal chaos, seeing compulsions not as exciting times needed to survive college and young adulthood but as devastating to limited college experience with friends and crippling ability to participate in friendships and church fellowship without guilt or obsessive behavior; and ultimately still somewhere in me ultimately seeing this as a punishment for what I got myself into and worsened as a teenager and college student.

This is a challenge to take pride in, to have the life I want and know that that's not simply left to the over achievers in politics, athletics, the beautiful, the rich, the successful in business, enthusiastic and seemingly care-free people of the world. I can have the life I want to with the work and desire for it, and that life does not have to meet anyone's real or imaginary standards but my own based in what really matters to me!

B) Break down the barriers and build up the muscles of giving effort - to push past discomfort in correcting co-workers (part of my job is quality control so to speak) and give good effort at work in a helpful pleasant manner - to give effort in actively participating at church events and pushing past discomfort of not intimately knowing everyone but trusting in basic relationship in Christ to open up His avenue of service in my/wife/family's life - to attack a day off with excitement and plan to accomplish things (rather than dread the cost, being alone, having no plan so that it goes to waste and guilt of that drives guilt of compulsion) - to enjoy the effort of building friendships with old friends (feeling abnormal makes me mistrust their friendship) - to reclaim the joy of having peace within myself when I am alone at my desk, at my home with a book or game, at peace resting in God's grace without fear of what I will choose to do next - to feel "normal" as the obsessive and compulsive thoughts about different women or scenarios, those I want no longer to seem normal; not all men do that and for me to not do that in the future will not be abnormal, I will achieve normal and healthy thought processes as a natural state and be so relieved and accepting of that place of health - to not judge whole life when I am not as accepting of others' flaws (and that guild of judging then create chaos to engage in fantasy/obsession with compulsive masturbation and potentially pornography) and be OK with fact that patience must be tried in order to become strong and tempered and that actively pursuing God in prayer will build the kindness and patience channels withing me - to experience emotional stability as I've taken some extremes throughout my life and in the 2.5-3 years of knowing my now wife and he has been able to empathize with her own extremes happening and thereby we can grow together and learn from each other in our choices of lifelong commitment to love - to experience unconditional love of Christ my Savior, my wife's dearest love, and the future love of children which is unfiltered and uncomplicated and where I want to be with myself and family and God in simple obedience and mutual intimate accepting love

C) Still have a picture on my desk and now will try to see that as a reminder of the challenge, not a guilt trip. I had no sexual addiction then at age 5 and although as a boy I remember taking ladies underwear ads from department stores to hide under the bed and seeing sensual scenes in movies, that boy I want to be without those feelings that he has to do those things now as an adult man. I want him to be able to play Nintendo and watch cartoons and like math without those taboos to entice him into demolishing his identity. He loved and laughed and now he can live again in me because he was me and I was him and now we can be one and the same person again.








Lesson 1 A) I am actively committed as seen above, I've been waiting for years to unlock my desire to put forth effort and now life has challenged me to unlock it - I earlier may have mistaken guilt/shame would sabotage the recovery, and not the commitment to recovery. Now I understand that the commitment to active recovery, not just reading and typing, is the underpinning of this process and that is what must be guarded - as far as time goes, my whole life will be a constant challenge to live a healthy and vibrant life and this is the beginning of it, and trust that when the time for transition comes in the future, not tomorrow, it has been well thought out and can work just as every part does when I actively pursue it in my life.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2016 5:31 pm 
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Seems like I can only go a week without a slip/relapse/whatever you call it. I am so distressed at this point - I was reading a political news article that then linked to a teacher scandal and then played games with myself about reading it and looking at the female perpetrator and struggling back and forth - left work, told my wife - then came home and convinced myself I needed to order a gift for our first anniversary and used the computer and teased myself with youtube videos and masturbated and orgasmed twice in about an hour and a half.

The last two times I've done this, last week and this week, has been the day after my wife and I have sex - meaningful sex with communication, but after which I still harbor insecurity about my feelings - supposing I am still fearful about my commitment to a right life and suspect myself of wrong thoughts and behaviors for having any kind of active sexual thought or desire, being evil for not feeling ultimately satisfied after even though I am happy with her and she with me and she's been so supportive through this whole process.

I started last week trying to find things I could do for three people a day, whether ask about their life in conversation, plan a dinner or get-together, help out, etc. My self-focus leads to paralysis by self-analysis and the chaotic feelings drive me crazy. So thinking about others helped and was truly enjoyable.

Is failure a sign of not committing? I feel like it is and beat myself up every time because I am aware of the chaos and head games but the feeling of the chaos in me eventually wins me over to act out where the guilt/shame/confession/plan of action cycle begin again and I want so much more for myself and my wife than this.

Thanks for listening, everyone. I am praying for each of you at this moment that whatever unlocks the ability to drive through this and makes visions and values personal and real and powerful happens for me and you.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 9:36 pm 
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I'm back after God enlightened me this weekend and made the truths of emotional immaturity, finite emotions, not being an 'all-or-nothing' person about my life by my own definitions, and deriving meaning and pleasure from my values in decision making REAL and PERSONAL! Praise God! My wife during a silly joking conversation genuinely said she trusts me to do the right thing in life and that was a giant ray of sunshine, nay, a whole star breaking through my heart :)

My vision for my life is one of personal submission to God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ and a life of beauty and liberty to explore all that He has made for me to walk in.
A life where there is no 'Plan B', only God's hand blessing in the direction of life my wife and I choose, assuming of course we do so in accordance with His moral law. A life of beauty means watching God work in my being and working that out in the life of others, of intentional praise, intentional work and intentionally reaching out in conversation and deeds so as to open doors for sharing the gospel of Jesus. Beauty in my marriage, where love is seen and felt and heard and done with intentionality and active decision making to choose to find value in giving and receiving love, because both make us vulnerable. Having courage and faith to be vulnerable is beautiful. Reaching out to friends to love them with my time and attention, coworkers and the world around me too. Living a lovely life that takes pleasure in doing the right thing and people trusting me to do so. A life of intentional and immediate prayer and praise, thanksgiving for a life I wanted but didn't think I'd have, embracing the blessings of being in nature, traveling near and far, with a loving and amazing person as my wife with whom I have a warm and welcoming family to call home. Beauty is found in deriving value and true joy in redeeming the time ahead and understanding the past in real context that fosters forgiveness and righteousness (another word for being made whole and corrected in life) and a path for my life.

Values to be reviewed and refreshed and reposted soon!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 10:09 pm 
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Here's a fresh list of values from my real personal vision :)


Experiencing continual presence of God in my life
Forgiveness becoming real in my life, which leads to grounds for change and growth, which is God's intention
Healthy scriptural understanding of who I am and where I stand with God as redeemed and adopted, and loved by God, my wife, my family and friends
Empathy and awareness in living and loving my wife, family, friends, others
Awareness of family traits, whether learned or hereditary, and differences between mine and wife and family's to have better understanding and communication for my and our emotional intimacy & health
Honoring God's truth of rebuilding my body, as in Him my body is His temple, and rebuilding me as a person to worship him in my body
Healthy pursuit of academic-style research and study on topics of benefit and interest
Experiencing delight in nature, whether it be a walk or picnic or more dedicated time such as camping or hiking
Being intimate with my wife in heart, mind, soul, and body and breaking down barriers that limit and hinder intimacy
Being trusted to handle our business and do the right thing for our family
Growing in the role that my employers and coworkers place trust in me
Knowing my friends more closely with more frequent interaction and conversation
Reaching out to family members who are, real or perceived, unable or haven't done in order to make our desire to be a close family a reality

This list really means a lot to me and I've already been working on them in real ways that I will express in action plans that when I think about it I've already made action plans just not called that ^u^


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:16 pm 
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Lesson 4: Prioritized values, personal and values distilled from value statements :)

Experiencing continual presence of God in my life
Forgiveness becoming real in my life, which leads to grounds for change and growth, which is God's intention
Healthy scriptural understanding of who I am and where I stand with God as redeemed and adopted, and loved by God, my wife, my family and friends
Being intimate with my wife in heart, mind, soul, and body and breaking down barriers that limit and hinder intimacy (edit: and build bridges that knit us together in love)
Knowing my friends more closely with more frequent interaction and conversation
Empathy and awareness in living and loving my wife, family, friends, others
Awareness of family traits, whether learned or hereditary, and differences between mine and wife and family's to have better understanding and communication for my and our emotional intimacy & health
Honoring God's truth of rebuilding my body, as in Him my body is His temple, and rebuilding me as a person to worship him in my body
Being trusted to handle our business and do the right thing for our family
Experiencing delight in nature, whether it be a walk or picnic or more dedicated time such as camping or hiking
Healthy pursuit of academic-style research and study on topics of benefit and interest
Reaching out to family members who are, real or perceived, unable or haven't done in order to make our desire to be a close family a reality
Growing in the role that my employers and coworkers place trust in me



Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Developing emotional health and maturity
Awareness and communication of feelings
Forgiveness
Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Strengthening my role as a partner to my wife
Spending quality time with my wife
Being judged trustworthy
Loving others
Marital intimacy
Personal intimacy
Friendship and companionship
Sexual intimacy
Being considerate of others
Being loved by others
Living with compassion
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Putting other’s needs before my own
Being considerate of myself
Feeling unconditional love
Developing sustained friendships
Strengthening my role as a close friend to my two best friends
Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Physical health
Strengthening my role as a coworker
Establishing competence in my field
Providing quality in my work
Working as part of a team
Strengthening my role as a brother to my brothers


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:11 pm 
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Lesson 5: Identifying Incongruent Values

A. I am committed to all of these values. Some of these are complicated to navigate (e.g., does "strengthening my role as a brother" mean going to my nieces soccer games because his job prevents him, and deal with his ex-wife? If I'm honest that's not fun for me but going would be putting his need for family support ahead of my own personal comfort and probably a good exercise even if I don't "feel a benefit" at first I could see how it's best for others and as a byproduct good for me to push outside that internal barrier of fear.)

B. Choosing college was chosen in fear in part and an adventure in part, going to a business major with guaranteed study abroad opportunity instead of the sports broadcasting career I dreamed about as a teenager. My career now I started out of college to pay bills and have now advanced to management and really feel the need to keep the salary for my family. My values now making those decisions - I would like to think I'd work hard enough to make a broadcasting career or something I'm genuinely interested in while staying local where I can be home with my wife instead of on the road away. The "thrill of the chase" is not bad in and of itself but it can lead me away from committing to values such as quality time with the ones I love and supporting their needs above my own, and when those values are fulfilled as they are listed here I find the outside thrills are mere mirages and imitations of the real joys found.

C. Looking at these values, I see where some of them require effort (empathy in conversation seems like it should be easy and if not you're a jerk, but actively choosing to listen and experience their feelings and perspective means *active* love and that's better than automatic passive caring) and that's ok. I'm genuinely deriving satsisfaction from spending time with God in prayer and study, with my wife with less focus on guilt and more on connection and enjoying instead of focusing on whether I am enjoying and trying to focus on enjoying, just making that uncomplicated again. There's nothing that I feel I'm putting because I have to, and any negative values that I still feel drawn to (fantasies of promiscuity before marriage when younger) are frustrating and seen as distractions from what, when I engage in them, truly brings value and meaning to my life and restores my ability to feel ok with being an important part of society and people's lives and redeems humanity from being constantly dehumanized, classed and hated (e.g., perfect no-trouble in life pretty skinny girls, rich people, other classes I allowed hate to rule in my discrimination), or objectified.

D. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Developing emotional health and maturity
Awareness and communication of feelings
Forgiveness
Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
Strengthening my role as a partner to my wife
Spending quality time with my wife
Being judged trustworthy
Loving others
Marital intimacy:
[list=][/list]Personal intimacy
[list=][/list]Friendship and companionship
[list=][/list]Sexual intimacy
Being considerate of others
Being loved by others
Living with compassion
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Putting other’s needs before my own


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:15 pm 
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Haven't posted in a couple of months, have experienced emotional health and abstinence with sudden bouts of emotional crisis, which I now believe are tied to my complex relationship of work and rest, either being lazy which causes anxiety, or knowing there's work to be done and feeling guilty about resting, etc. This anxiety, especially on a day off like today alone at home, where I wanted to read in bed before starting chores, can happen on subconscious prompting (you know you;re lazy, these are the times you're likely to have delusional fantasies, then feel guilty about wanting to relax, and work some, and the guilt will linger and you'll give in). This process described did happen, then eventually gave in to finishing masturbation while playing video games. I then felt guilty, went back through RN principles I've either actively used, passively considered or forgotten (such as the assigning values to elements/rituals/chains). Then finished more chores, listen to church sermons we missed traveling this past weekend, and feeling accomplished through chores. I am now dealing with guilt of producing my own orgasm alone for first time in three months, and reality of letting eyes and thoughts wander lately producing emotional dreams that made me guilty as well.

I am no breaking down the elements, and addressing them individually to realize this incident was not a single action, but many moments of choice and action. Increasing meditation and study of thought life and addressing reality of work and rest so resting in my home alone can be restorative instead of detrimental. I've filled the hole with video games, reading, all beneficial things but sometimes masking reality of emotional health management and value management. Thanks!


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PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 10:05 pm 
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I haven't posted in about three months, and since then I've had a handful of times where I have experienced intense feelings an, though aware of the rituals and chains, the need for acting on my values for positive reinforcement of value-based decision making, the reality of the real triggers being the emotions I associate with different physical feelings, items, times, places, etc. and they exist in my mind (the Free Porn supplmentary lesson was great for that), the reality of needing to improve stress management and having taken steps towards that by focusing on positives at work and bringing value-building items (a book for creating artwork, books to read, journal, etc.)...

I still get what felt like a random twinge (feeling like my emotions bit on a piece of aluminum foil) and finding myself in immediate incredulity as to the fact I now perceive the need for viewing porn, starting random soft and using Google image related searches to keep diving in through my ritual.

I've been using guilt and shame professions to deflect, and my misplaced pride keeps me from admitting that of course I developed these coping techniques because as a teenager I did not have the knowledge to know I needed to find healthy ways to talk and shape my perception of myself, others, and the world around me.

I feel fully aware of the process, but still struggle with day-to-day lifestyle change, whether it be exercise, diet, or recovery from the reactionary compulsions that create a third-person feeling, a loss of core identity as a perceived robotic experience plays out like an old record.


I know this will take time, and I am willing to give myself time since I have been blessed with a life I never imagined for myself. I imagined myself being poor and rural and struggling emotionally, and now I am happily married, live in the city and we have a life we are quite happy with.

My wife has struggled with compulsive eating habits, so she understands by sharing some similar emotions and perceptions of self and items, which is comforting and inspiring and also helps her keep things real - do not throw away your entire day, or past, by perceiving it all worthless because of the time wasted in sexual addiction and shameful activity; remember what was good about life int he past, and even today when I had a (perceived) random buckling feeling and impulsively used porn to masturbate at the end of my workday.

I am actively committing to recovery, as I have with eating right lately. I am aware that guilt and shame must be put aside until I can properly experience them, which I have not in this situation for some years, though again real understanding has grown but active change has been in spurts.

Reasons for Permanently CHanging My Life

So I may experience a positive view of myself as a human being
So I may know that change is inherent to life (nobody is born with abs and self confidence!) and this is a perfectly acceptable journey with which to challenge myself going forward
So I can open myself up to my wife even more every day with joy and love in place of fear and pain
So I can grow into the family man I look forward to being with our future kids
So I can continue developing pride in my work ethic and accomplishments at work (even when work-related issues sometimes seem to always grow in piles!)
So our friends truly have a fully present person to particpate in the friendship
So growth in all areas of life (aging, parenthood, community leadership, marriage and family leadership) can be fueled (in place of emotional drainage)
So I may be at peace within my body and its natural ebb and flow (e.g., random penis spasms are felt as natural and passing rather than fearful and regretful)
So I may be at peace with solitude and develop long-term concentration to enjoy reading even more as before
So I may grow into my new-found enjoyment of creating art and fully take pride and appreciation in finding expression at last when I viewed myself as unartistic in any way

These are all real and meaningful thank God! I used to find myself blank, but now I see myself full of activity and opportunity even before previous times of immature reaction to urges, now I see concrete vision for my life and means of expression and developing value.


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 6:45 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hi
Quote:
now I see concrete vision for my life and means of expression and developing value.


great :g: :g:
the community is rooting for you, please do demonstrate that you deserve that support
choose wisely and good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 11:11 pm 
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Vision

I've posted several, but now I'm actually feeling pretty good (read up on visualization: very helpful!)

And now entering my 30's with planning on kids soon in second year of happy honest supportive loving marriage, a vision of the future is so much clearer and I'll try to use everyday words instead of big floral language.

In full disclosure, the First part of this program causes me a good bit of anxiety - it appears to be a mountain of work on the front end. But, I'm seeing the value in learning to figure out values and Action Plans on the front end so when you need values and health-specific Action Plans later, I've had practice on these items first. I've always been a bit passive and the learned management skills we are replacing didn't help, so developing these items a few times has been useful in flexing some muscles needing exercise, so to speak.



I want to be a man that when kids call me Mister or Sir, I can hear that and take it with humble pride and satisfaction. I want to be a beloved and devoted family man to my wife and future children. To me, that means I'll be emotionally available for my wife, continuing to communicate, listen, and give and take in full honesty. We always find new opportunities to do so and always will, and having such an honest, loving, devoted and supportive wife makes it as great an opportunity as I could ever think of or hope for.

I want to be fully there for my kids, to read stories, play games, teach them about life out of a place of love even when it has to be clear and firm like to be careful with hot stoves and wasps. Discipline and love are mutual, like fencing in a yard so they can play safely - that infinite depth in limited mortality we have to accept. To be a real teacher and influence their lives for the better is a true joyous goal for my life.

I want to reach out to friends, even if it's just a text when life has us all getting busier as we move forward with our families. To love my family and feel free to participate in their lives with assurance of being loved and welcomed as we celebrate together. I want to be a competent employee, confident in the respect of my coworkers at all levels. Also, I want to be a much better interpreter of stress as I advance in my career. Sometimes my work environment can contribute to my complacency and I very much want to learn how to take helpful breaks (rather than procrastination) so I'm better throughout the day.

I want to enjoy walks, long reading sessions, Bible study with actually learning something for the soul and spirit because I'm loving being there with Jesus in the moment, cooking in the kitchen and creating art, which is new for me, and enjoy that inner peace as I see a life with more determination and concentration making these new and old joys more enjoyable and healthy. All of these are hobbies and life goals that really add value to my life and I hope to add and change with them as we grow together as a family.


After working on this, I can see now that it's ok this may change over time, as we all are supposed to do. That's comforting to know because change and growth is what we're here for. Good night!


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:39 am 
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 4:32 pm
Posts: 26
Last month has been busy! Wife got new job, my mother came to visit for a week in short notice as her husband got a new job in the area, and a brother left overseas with his unit and we drove 1,000 mi to see him off. A lot going on, and I haven't taken the time to follow up here although inkeep doing visualizations and focusing on my values (to be posted) in my vision.

I haven't taken the time, and yesterday after a week with motivation and stress, not major stress but nagging buzzing 5 of 10 stress, all week at work, I slipped by sitting too long in my bathroom playing a game on my phone, playing with my penis, and in the moment of getting up and prepping food for dinner or staying, I stayed, played the game and found an app that bypasses the content control to see YouTube clips. Watched interviews, pre-intercourse porn scenes, and did the no-yes-no-yes back and forth I do to prolong the experience and in the end enhance my guilt ;-; my wife was calling with her own stress, so I told her of mine as I was still fighting visually with looking at a non-explicit image. We talked, she came home for us to go out instead of her going out and me fixing dinner. We both shared our struggles that day, her with her ritual stress leading to food eating and spitting out, me with my ritual too of stress in a situation my body and mind are accustomed to on the toilet, leading to that pressure filled decision dynamic.

We shared, prayed, didn't deflect with guilt professions, were honest in that we both need more candid honesty with our feelings together, and shared beautiful hard painful yet meaningful time together. It's not a silver bullet, but it makes understanding what's worth having and what we both need to help, to grow into who we desire to be *all the time!*

Posting values soon :)


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