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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 12:39 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Since 2 weeks now I am very preoccupied by my situation at work. It has an impact on others aspect of my life: lack of presence, a lot of thought around work situation, lack of involvement in families projects, and of course, as usual, I decide to communicate just the minimum... Others consequences my frequentation to RN has reduced (last 1 week, only one visit). It is a sign, this issue is over represented in my thought. Currently it takes more energy than working on recovery. It is not good.

I clearly feel that I am umbalanced. I am aware of that. But I do not have the appropriate answer:
 Let it go: my problem is related to my company’s management. I have absolutely no way to modify it. I would like to think that I could, but it is not true. I must accept that fact.
 I have the feeling to be pad for nothing… this is not my choice, I must accept and I must continue to work professionaly according my value
 I feel I am not recognized. I will not change my boss mind, and recognition is only my problem… a problem that explains few of my past behaviors

Behind that I understand that work is an important pillar to me. I never deny this, but it is over represented.

2 years ago I did a skills review, and it appears that I am someone looking for wide project and vary strong intellectual challenge. Why am I looking such kind of job and at home I am not able to pay an invoice on time????

Basically, I think by looking for singuliar project with intellectual challenge has 2 purposes:
 To generate self esteem… by looking for such situation I am going to generate stress that will make me work. It forces myself to work in autonomy. I create a machine that generate enough stress to make me being proactive…
This is not very positive way maybe. My value should be enough to drive my action, at work, at home. It is like I need to generate a kind of suspens to decide to act. Over the last month, I succeed to balance this aspect (which basically may be interesting for an employer too), by planning more my action, by delegating more. The recent and too frequent change in the organization is a problem for me to compromise between my needs to manage wide project and to counter balance my stress engine. I need a more stable environment, a better frame…
 To be noticed, to be admire, to be a super hero…. By accepting and being recognized like the guy that can manage difficult projects, I am sure to be noticed and to be admired. And even if the results is not reach, it is far easier to excuse a poor result in such context, I will be noticed. Even if this require a kind of courage, an ability to accept challenge, this pattern is unhealthy is the sense that I am manipulating and I am looking for admiration. Again 2 elements of my past behaviors. In the past month, I tried to minimize those patterns by creating a more stable frame: a create a program, I build a team (in project management). I need ths frame to calm down this egocentrism. It works, but the frame is not recognized or minimized by my direct management, who consider that changing environment is a normal thing. I do not think it is good for me (and I do not think it is good for any team member).

Day after day I find determination to change my job. I started beginning of this year, get few appointment (without success but good test) and for last 2 weeks I have been contacted by recruiter. Change company after 19 years is not an easy decision.

On this work, I am alone. I am alone because I do not share, what I have just shared on the thread.

I am still a poor communicant. Unable to communicate when things are wrong.

Consequence the relation with my wife are deteriorated again, she does not belive in my involvement for our new home, she does not believe in my ability to fight for a common project.

I will reimplement a daily monitor with my note book:
 Did I identified unhealthy pattern or frustration at work today?
 Did I share my balance transparently with my wife?
 Did I do something for my families, for others today?

To finish, I would say, I “do not feel good”, I feel frustrated, a bit sad, I am absent sometime having a feeling of emptiness. But at no stage I wanted to act out in any kind of manner. Each time I start to have a thought related to on of my past addiction, consequences appear very clearly.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2018 11:10 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 411
Hey Bovary,

You said

Quote:
I am still a poor communicant. Unable to communicate when things are wrong.


but you chose to post your thoughts to RN, that must be progress right? Maybe you need to share your work thoughts with your wife too but you have articulated them pretty well here already so maybe repeat to her what you are thinking.

I have no intention of giving you career advice and you are no doubt not seeking that either but it might help to give some thought to your vision and values again. You have been a member here a lot longer than me but it might be a time to have another look at them even just to revalidate them and have them fresh in your mind? As you know, these represent your personal moral compass and should cover things which will lead to happy home and work lives. Your work on RN is trying to address the former primarily but if the latter isn't working then it will interfere with everything. It sounds like some decisions are needed on the work front to help everything else. As an aside, I have had long spells with two employers and the longer you are there the harder it can be to leave. Looking back, I made the right decision each time to leave even though they were difficult decisions. I am not suggesting you should leave, only you can determine that, but I am suggesting that you should decide which will make you happiest and then, either way, do something about it. You have choices that you can make both at home and at work, make them both wisely.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I like your idea of having your daily monitor list. What I like about it is that you have selected a few potentially easy to achieve items on there. I feel strongly that if you put some effort into achieving this list each day then you will quickly find that you have achieved something and it will give you what may be a much needed boost.

Good luck with the deliberations and with the daily list, please stay in touch with your thread and let us see how you are getting on.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2018 10:10 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Hi L2R,

Thanks for your constructive feedback.

To write my thought has been very helpful to communicate with my wife.

I restore a better balance during the week end.

Change my job is definitively a difficult decision, but I am determined too. Currently I am a very passive job seeker, still under observation, but I am decided to restore work as a pillar.

For the past few days, I succeed to let it go, which is not so bad. No rush, but determined anyway.

On Sunday, we succeed to have an important discuss with my wife about my parent. I have no news from them for 6 month (and they do not ask news too). I already posted about my wish to write them a confession, a disclosure letter. The letter I already wrote since 2 month. I read to a coach, and on Sunday I wanted to discuss with my wife. Finally we have decided that she will not read this letter. We decided for the following reason:
 I am not completely sure why I want her to read: because this letter is a way to expose our situation to outside or to let her decide?
 There is chance this letter will hurt her. She does not want to have pain for nothing. I do not want to reopen wounds too.
 This letter does not explain, or does not give sense to what I did, who I was. This is the only thing my wife would like to understand, and I am not able to provide such explanation

I really hesitate to send this letter to my parent. I am anxious about that.

Why I want:
 Say the truth
 To say the truth to people I consider, I love
 I want to create a link between my past and my present. For me, for my children
 I want to be able to explain to my children where I come from
 I want to be able to explain the nature of my relation with my parent
 I want my parent to know who I am, to know what I did, how much pain I created
 I want to explain their my feeling to my wife
 I want to explain them how important is my family
 I want to remind them they have gran children
I have no idea of the consequence. I really think truth is better than lie and this “non relation”. I have never been able to communicate equal to equal to my parent. There is hope behind this letter but I must assume any consequences.

Here I am, I told my wife and I explained my wish. The decision is only to me now… I am going to read the letter again.

I think it is a good idea to read again all my previous post from the beginning. The revisit can be a source of inspiration (and probably of shame as well).

Thanks for your post


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:02 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
It is 2 years now I met and I started with RN.

I did not post recently, and I must confess that my daily/weekly routine has been disturbed these days (a lot of time spent about new house, different rythm in my work and transport…). By the way I missed few weekly monitoring, and I checked RN only once a week.

This week I had the chance to restart my routine around recovery. I like to use the Monday morning, my 1 hour trip in train to work to have a reflection and check my emotional balance.

This time I offered myself a reading of my 4 first post. It was 2 years ago.

I remember early, how I feel at that time.

There is the D-Day in October 2015, but there is a decision in June 2016 that I want to recover, that I need help, that I can not live anymore with my SA…

I read again, I remember the first feedback from Coach. I remember I was in a taxi, going to doctor to do a STD test.

I remember first lesson, about vision description. How much it was a difficult exercise. I remember to not be honest first, to be too much idealistic. But I remember to have a real vision, a vision of a life without addiction. A life without secret, a life I assume my decision…

I remember my first values. How much idealistic it was. How much it was marked by the fact to be “ideal”, “perfect”… still very far from who I was really.

I remember how much this helps. I remember the path. I read these frist path. I feel shame about what I did, but I do not blame and I forgive myself. I remember who I was at the time.

Recently I have been inspired by several post about doubt. Recently I travelled many time in place where I used to have unhealthy behaviors. I must be honest and tell that it is not so easy, and I am still triggered. It is a permanent question, this place of SA in my life.

I definitively love my life now, and I feel really good about who I am really, or least someone without secret and having the control of his life. It takes no time and effort to find reason to reject my previous life (just thinking about the consequences is enough to confirm my choice).

But SA still have a place in my life. The triggers are present, and I need a permanent awareness to avoid complacency. SA has marked my life. 2 years after monitoring is still necessary.

Two last things:
First, I did not honor my commitment of my previous post. I will say it remains a weight for me, and most probably I find excuse to respect these commitment:
I did not send the letter to my parent. Recenty my gran mother died. We met. I am still very confused about that.
Job situation… I am working on it… slowly. My current company is going to propose a new position this summer… wait and see. It is not very courageous for me, but it is not an easy decision, and hopefully I have others pillars in my life

Second, I read (and unformally reviewed) my three month actions plan. I think that I am at the end of a cycle. I need to give myself new objectives. I recognize this is very useful and still necessary for me. I do not look often, but it gives a practical sense to my values, my vision, with short term target. When I am a bit loss, or feel unbalanced, this actions plan is something that enable me to “let it go” temporary and focus my attention on other pillar. So my next step is to formalize this new actions plan for the coming month and years.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2018 3:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello B
Quote:
This week I had the chance to restart my routine around recovery. I like to use the Monday morning, my 1 hour trip in train to work to have a reflection and check my emotional balance.

This time I offered myself a reading of my 4 first post. It was 2 years ago.

I remember ........................................


reflection and remembering is a good starting point for kicking on and really getting into recovery
two years, you have moved forwards but are you where you want to be, where you thought that you would be?

if not and I expect that to be the case, sorry if I am wrong here, why not and what are you going to do to rectify that?

I do hope that you take this as its meant, please commit totally and fully finding time to recover is easier than finding time to act out and we all find / found that with no problem
looking forwards to seeing your kick start progress

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 1:14 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Hi Kenzo,

Thanks for your feedback. Your question is a good support to refresh my actions plan. And as usual a good “kick in the ass”!

At the moment I am where I decided to be. In a sense it comply to my original vision. All emotions in my life are due to my own choice.

I am not where I thought I will be :
Because 2 years ago I really had no ideas about what is an healthy life, what is a value
Because I did not finish to explore and to learn about the values I have choosen

I do not act out anymore. I do not have time for that, I do not give time for that. I still have thought about sexual unhealthy behavior. I still remember the emotion related to immediate gratification. I learnt tool to let it go. And finally I think about the consequences of the addictions (sex, alchohol) to my life and it stops. These thought gives a lot of guilt. But because I live the life I have decided to live, I really measure the consequences of acting out. And by the way I decide accordingly.

My time is spent in my values development: personal development, repair what I destroyed with my partner and build a couple project, children education.

I still need monitoring. I am still immature emotionaly. One recent example : these last weeks I spent a lot of time to prepare our new to get ready to move on end of june. As a consequence I spent less time with my children. This is a value conflict. A real one. Both are important values and part of my actions plan. Both are healthy, and despite of that I succeed to generate a conflict and frustration. Why : I did not anticipate even if I could guess, I did not share transparently with my wife about this choice to give priority to the new house preparation. Of course I feel something is wrong somewhere, and it finish with a conflict. And I do not accept to hear that I did not spend time enough with children, I hear “I am a bad father” instead of taking it as a fact, I defend myself… I can tell you such conflict is really painful. But basically I am still the guy who want to pretend “he can be perfect every where…3

I am very far from to be emotionally mature. I could give other examples (my relation to my parent Vs my own parenting values, a job that require business trip Vs involvement in home duties…).

Monitoring is still necessary to help to diagnose, analyse these emotional issues.

Will it drive to act out? Not now, but emotional management is the root cause of my addictions. I can not be complacent.

Based on this, I can tell I am not where I would like to be. I am still a learner. I do nto care when I will arrive, I just care to stay on the road and to keep awareness.

So I will publish soon my new actions plan, to give new perspectives (the new house is for example a very important symbol and achievement… I need to move forward now) and kick in the ass:
 Continue to develop my values : communication, friendship, emotional control
 Continue to repair what I have broken to my partner : self esteem and confidence
 Support my children to become balanced adult
 Keep monitoring
This post gave me the idea to cross check my latest actions plan summary with my original values list…
Your question about "the gap" is really inspiring. Thanks again.
.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:57 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
For my 2 years in RN, I decided firstly to revisit my current actions plan and initial value list.
In order to check, to explain the gap. To improve my complacency monitoring, to improve my healthy balance…

It was useful and interesting. I would say that I have no real conclusion at this stage, but things to explore :
 “Control frustration”
 What are the next steps to improve Awareness and complacency : find a better balance? improve my reaction?
 Social activities
 Project for Couple

I need to explore how I can practically developp these aspects.


Latest actions plan review (latest version nov 2017)

MAINTAIN SELF ESTEEM

1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
Communication with my wife, give attention, materially and emotionally to her >>> OK
Do not lie and communicate clearly. >>> communication still not clear enough
To contribute to the day to day life, to support home burden >>> OK
Start the couple workshop. >>> not done – why?
Organize family and couple project >>> OK, I am active
>>> a lot of improvement in communication. My ability for listening has improved. I am not in defensive mode while listeining. But I still feel guilt, and when I feel guilt I still feel that I am protecting my SA side. We did not go very far in couple workshop. The 3 sessions with therapist were very positive, especially for communication ritual. definitively. But it is just foundation. Probably it is time to work on a vision for the couple.
>>> 6 month later : there is space for improvement. We have a good communication routine, but there is risk of complacency. I still keep anxiety for myself, do not share my issue easily. It is understood as a lack of trust. It is very important for couple. This value need to improve. Trust is a necessary value for a couple. Truth is absolute.

1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
Share about my goals, values, boundary >>> OK
Be honest about my goal achievement, boundaries respect>>> OK
Be honest about my stress level, my fears>>> OK
Respect my commitment, assume the consequence>>> OK
Be proactive, anticipate stressful situation>>> I generate confusion and frustration due to lack of communication
Apply for every aspect of life the tools I have learnt to control my emotion (anticipation, emotion awareness and decision making process)

>>> The decision, my decision, to stop to drink is something very important for me. Maybe for the first time I clearly update my boundary really by myself. I learnt directly from a mistake. Alchohol was like a starting point in most of my ritual (all?). Temptation for alchohol, risky situation with alchohol is a clear trigger that I am going to break a very important boundary. It brings a lot of esteem to myself. Concerning SA, it is present every day in my life Intensity of thought may be more or less intense, depending of my emotional balance I suppose. I experiment with success te fact to talk to the "junky" each time that I am triggered. IT decrease dramatically the intensity. But it does not bring answer about the place of those thought in my life. At this stage I really consider myself as an old junky, and these thought, even the smallest, brings me a lot of guilt. I feel I built healthy foundation, but in parallel I still feel I am under recovery. I keep awareness. I do not hide myself that the little note book is essential, as the daily check of RN Forum. the weekly AA meeting is a good support system too.

>>> 6 month later : I do not go regularly to AA anymore. I keep my monitoring, and I feel dishonest when I miss a week. I need reflection. I keep continuying this monitoring

1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
Take care of my family (materially and emotionally)

>>> My wife often says to me that I am lucky to be free of my time. What she means, that for example when I am in business trip, I do not care about family arrangement (like carry kids to school, activties, housework...). Recently, I did a very poor arrangement during a business trip (I posted about that in Forum). I really did not consider my family while arranging a business trip, and I did it without care. Really. Once I understood it, I felt very very bad, very guilty. Basically I am an egoist person. Maybe I have excuse from my education, but I am vary selfish. More recently my wife had a surgery. I did not anticipate the help she would need the next week. lack of empathy. Finally I did well this week, I really involve myself with kids, house, cooking... staying in home office. this experience gives me a lot of satisfaction... but I was not proactive. And basically I did not continue the weeks after... So this is clearly a value that may contribute a lot to self esteem, but I am clearly not at this stage a personn who care. I need to monitor this value.
>>> 6 month later : this is a very important value for me. I gave more attention, but still do error due to poor communication and lack of pro-activity.


1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
Continue to communicate with my friend(s)
Review my stress balance honestly
My relation with parent is really a problem for me.
>>> I am taking care of any frustration. I communicate about them (and not only to my wife, I can discuss my frustration with colleague, friends...). Concerning my parent, I invite them for diner recently (without my wife). I think they do not care. They acn be friendly people, they defintively do not care. That is where come from my reference. At least this meeting enable me to remove a frustration.
>>> 6 month later : I do not think depress is an issue. But “Control frustration” is something more important. I would really like to work actively on this.

DEVELOPPED A BALANCED LIFE
2.1. COMMIT MYSELF TO HEALTHY LIFE
To continue to work on my remaining fears and to replace them by awareness,
To tell my wife I love her, to tell her the sense of my love,
>>> I did not say "I love you" for a while (I tell it more frequently to my children). IT is a topic to discuss. As for intimacy, I think I am afraid to hurt her, something reminding the past, something that would sound false.
>>> 6 month later : I did not work on my previous comment. I continue to work on awareness. I monitor complacency

2.2. SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN
Be very present in their education
Make them feel confident about the new life in France
Organize activities, spend time with them, together and individually
>>> A huge source of inspiration...
>>> 6 month later : very important. I have a lot of challenge coming to support them at their different ages. To detail.

2.3. KEEP HEALTHY
Run, hike.
Find activity to temper my emotion
work at home 1 to 2 times per week.
Seek opportunity for support in France.
>>> Trial running is very impotant for me. I confess it is an immediate gratification activity. But I regulate it: I practise only when I have nothing else more important to do. I suppose this activity provide me a kind of challenge, and an opportunity to escape. For example I do not partcipate to much to competition (my wife recently discovered this pleasure). Home office 1 to 2 time per week bing me a lot of balance. I live better any frustration at work because of that. It enable me a better distance, and I am proud to find new concentration abilities. It enables me to spend more time with my children and share intimacy with my partner.
>>> 6 month later : OK… in a sense it is selfish so I succeed this commitment

2.4. BUILD A HOUSE (a sweet home!)
Involve myself in developing a “house” in France.
Involve myself in burden, implement a time management to support burden.
Plan the modernization of our countryside house within 3 month
>>> Very symbolic, I continue to be an actor in this project. I am less DIY man (for spring 2018 I have a project), but I am really active, and this is an opportunity to create something in common with my wife. This little house has big sense for us.
>>> 6 month later : OK, we bought a house. I am actively involved in it. It is very symbolic. It is like a milestone, bringing a lot of sense. What is next…

2.5. DEVELOP MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Developp my key skills, assume I am a specialist
Enlarge my confort area, especially by developing collaborative management
Apply method learnt in recovery to seek for emotional control
>>> I started to update my resume... in case of. For 3 month I found a new energy at work. I would not say I am fascinating by m job, but I fell professional. I miss realization at this stage, and maybe I should change of organization... It is something to continue to monitor
>>> 6 month later : I entered in a more active job seeking, but my project is not yet clear. In parallel, I have spoken about my situation at work. I wait this summer to definitively and actively look for something else. This situation generate frustration. It is a pillar for me. I need to build a professional project…


2 years ago, I wrote :


To be reliable >>>
To share weekly about my planning with my wife > it is something ingrained, transparency about my planning is something natural. It does not mean there is no conflict, misunderstanding… but this due to bad communication not to lack of transparency
To organize at least one social event per month for the family > I am active and present in family life. My wife is the person managing “social” activities. I am more the person managing plays, game, leisure or trip. I am not social. I am not naturally social. I will have to force myself to go out of my confort area.
To establish my planning considering important questions:
Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home > ingrained
Think to communicate to my children about unuasual event: business trip, work on week end, business diner, need to start earlier > ingrained
Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure > ingrained
Share about the time balance of activities with my family > I still have conflict I miss to anticipate
To organize a better way my work> It is something I clearly take into account. I do my best I would say, but I have this work about my professional project
Start a job, finish a job> something better and definitvely a source of achievement
Restart my daily to do list / schedule / task achievement / share about that > ingrained
To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say > OK, but I need “to do” list

To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness > I do not have an important social life. I need time to feel confortable with people. I stopped to drink and by the way I feel more myself during social event. I need to socialize in a way I feel confortable. Few social events make me confortable (things around nature, or sport)
To ask at least 1 personal question to any people I could meet > funny this commitment. By the way, by being myself I feel more confortable with people and to share personal things…
During social event, to ask the question I had on my heart (whatever it is) > I see that I put a lot of pressure to myself… it is idealistic. In social event, most of people does not feel confortable. So I will not oblige myself to ask a question if I do not want or I do not feel confortable. This is not me.
To be the first to say “hello” when meet someone > idealistics and fantasy, I really do not understand what I meant there.
To hear my voice when speak to people I do not know - it must be soft, clear > better to develop “listening skills”
To be able to tell the eye color of any people I speak > I still do not look people in the eyes while speaking…

To be a good listener (to give attention) > Important value to develop
Improvement my reformulation, reformulate in front of people instead of comparing > As I can see I already knew wat to do… theoritically

To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability > It is good to read this again. I do not think I still have such feeling. Interesting…
In social event, look at the person who shows social ability, Then look at the person who listen, Describe the scene, check why you feel trouble > Even if I am not a good listener I am able know to detect people without listening skills. I admire more the listeing skills than socializing

BE REALISTIC, STAY SOBER > I would translate by “decide the life you want to live, you can not have several life”
To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, it makes me trouble > it was a very basic commitment at a time I did not know anything about monitoring, complacency
To be natural, to not be a seducer > What is Natural? I think I should refer now to my core identity, values and boundaries. Those concept had no sense at that time.

To be a good father > permanent question. I worte that stuff 2 years ago. 2 years later my children are not the same, to be a good father now will be something else.
Continue to promote the game and intellectual/creative activity with them > this is in my core identity
Continue to read a story every night > unfortunately this is not a required by my children. Instead we have a replaced with a little moment of intimacy, talking about anything…
Propose activity, help my wife > It makes me think about the necessity to speak about the our role in the couple in the family
To be able to explain things to my kids, to be a good and responsible father > I speak about my alchoholic problem. My children go to my wife when they have something serious to discuss. I try to support my son who does not feel confortable to express what he really want.
To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, question and explanations could come in peace > this routine start every evening
(I need to find a practical way for that, out of home)
To ask to my children only open question, > ohoh! not sure I am doing that!
Let them feel free to ask question, generate this during reading, looking video… > Clearly my children will go easily to my wife when they have serious question… Did I do everything I can to support them…
To say to my chidren I love you > I do, I could do more often
To let them know > I love them
Use soft/tender words for special time of the day: wake up, come back from work, good night > OK

To improve intimacy to my parents, > I would not say it is worse, but as I am aware of this lack of intimacy, I am not able to connect with them anymore… this is a big issue
Write them once a week > why I did not do?

Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me, share about this, > since then I replace fear by awareness. I do not fear anymore. I am aware of risk, of unconfort
When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry. > There is no week with such event. I feel sorry for what I did to my wife.
Tell my fear whatever the situation (family, professional…)> monitoring

To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her she is beautiful, give her attention > I do, I could do more

To develop a sexual intimacy with her > We make love. I still have an issue with my sexual boundaries. I never completed fully the lesson about sexual boundaries.

Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
Restore contact with my best friend I did see for 6 years > I did. I have few contact, but I do maintain relation strongly. Why?

To help my wife in her recovery process
To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.> We kept the routine of having a tea before sleep and to discuss
To improve my listening.> I improved
To be a good husband when crisis are here > I generate “crisis” due to my lack of communication ability. To continue to think I can do by myself.

To keep healthy
Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning > 2 years ago, my relation to running was addictive, completely related to the same image than the porn addict. Globally I still run a lot, and I still consider this activity as an escape. I would say I implemented a better balance by the way. This activity is only when everything important is done. So it may happen a week without this activity.
Do not practice sport to isolate, to escape, but as rebuilding activity
Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport) >I think it is OK
Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running > I stopped to use it at that time. Recently I start re-use a GPS tracker, more for training purpose. I take attention to not use this. I refuse to buy a sport watch
To stop smoking, definitively, this summer > Done, no slip for more than 1 year. By the way I stopped drinking as well

Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for me:
Looking Internet when I am alone > it is not a problem. I am aware of what I do. I take care of trigger. When it happens, I stop immediately. I do not fear anymore.
Looking alone to movie, video clip with sexy girl > I avoid such situation. I know it is unhealthy for me. When temptation arrive, I think about consequence and real motivation, and then I stop
Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people > I did not go to party for a while. I do not suffer from that. I am able to maintain social activity without party, alchohol.
Prefer party at home or at friend’s home > that is no point anymore. I am sober, I appreciate to keep control of myself where ever I am. I really appreciate the difference
During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa > I know it is not good for me. I do not want to struggle for nothing. This is not difficult to do. This is a boundary for me now.
To work daily on my recovery process > 2 years after, I still have at least a weekly routine.
To check every day my thread > it becomes once a week, I check forum and every new post. It brings reflection.
To work every day on my lesson > I did it. Now te question is what next. I am inspired by people revisiting lesson. I need to define an objective with a realistic rhythm. My life now is not the same. It was only SA, RN took the space. Now I started to fill it, I must accept that a revisit won’t be at the same speed, or the same detail.
To achieve 2 lessons per week > OK
To write sincerely > I did. And sometime it generates misunderstanding (hard time)


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 12:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
How can I develop these skills? I decided to open a monitoring on these skills,

 “Control frustration”:
> I could restore as I did in the past a daily monitoring about every event that generate a frustration. to measure the intensity of this emotion, qualify the feeling associated, find the origin, define what could have been another scenario

Today, July 4th:
> this morning during a professional meeting I tried to convince people about changing a procedure. by frustration, I asked the support of one manager, but he did not agree with me. I calm down, and accept that it was useless to try to convince. I let it go. It gives a low frustration.
Intensity : low
feeling : I start to speak loudly, to be arrogant, somewhere I do not like to be that guy, but my passion (convince about what I think) seems more important to my value and self esteem
Origin : I have a natural "informative" management style. I am out of my confort area with people who prefer to be managed as "directive"
What can I do : think about a missing boundary. I violate an important value. I feel not confortable about that. Let it go is the thing to do before to pass the point to become arrogant

> I was in the car, I feel bore, and my thought start to turn about sexual thought. I had to speak loudly to me to say "stop I do not want". But I have been complacent for several second. It brings frustration and shame. I let my awareness go for several second, I let myself being complacent, enough to feel excited. I am frustrated because I do not want to feel like that. Just few time after I think about the lier with secret life, who was dishonnest with my wife and children. I feel highly disgusted.
Intensity : medium
Feeling : Raise sexual excitment by starting mental ritual : select a fantasy, try to visualize detail to generate excitement.... then tunr to awareness... what do I do, stop immediately this non-sense
Origin : I drive, I feel bore. I think about many things, speak to myself. And suddenly I switch to sexual thought
What can I do : I feel shame (few seconds after ending the ritual I saw myself as SA lying to my wife 3 year ago) and frustrated because I feel I did not stop the process soon enough and because I still feel excitement about such situation despite consequences on my life and on the lifes of the one I love.


What are the next steps to improve Awareness and complacency : find a better balance? improve my reaction?
The recent post from L2R is really inspiring. I will read not only prevous post, but read again the lessons. I am convinced there are messages I missed, I misunderstood, or by the way I will have another understanding. Did I read old lessons this week?.

Social activities
Next week I will see my best friend. I am not so motivated by this (even if I maintained a contact for the last year and if I have decided of this meeting). I feel shame about that. It is like I could live alone. It is like I do not pay importance to long term relation. I do not feel confortable and clear with this value. No idea yet about this value. I have a very idealistc image of friendship, I want to give a practical sense, and to be source of energy for me. To monitor : did I do something to develop friendship this week?

Project for Couple
I will propose to my wife about that idea. We have started 1.5 years ago. I think at that time I did not understand and feel necessity for a couple vision. At the time my vision was just to not be alone, to have a social image. I feel more and more I need to give a sense. It does not mean I know perfectly what I want. In a first I will work to revisit first lessons.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 3:16 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 1 (revisited) :
I just read lesson 1 again. I highlight the following sentences

______________________________
- Addiction is a pattern of destructive behavior that is rooted in compulsion and emotional immaturity.
- Not a perfect life, but a genuine life. One based in reality. In courage. In integrity. A life where the person that you are, is the person that others know you to be.

- Motivators:
I. If your primary motivation to recover stems from the desires of others...
II. If your primary motivation to recover stems from the consequences of your addiction...
III. If your primary motivation to recover stems from no longer wanting to live such a lifestyle...

Passive vs. Active Recovery?
- Passive : Your "recovery" is measured solely by your actions
- Active : it means making the choice to eliminate addictive patterns from your life forever. you will come to hate your compulsive behavior.
________________________

After reading this, I must consider myself in passive recovery. The door is not completely closed. I think this is the reason why I still need to monitor complacency, why I still have fantasy, thought, scanning…

1.
I am actively committing myself for change. I have made a good road for last 2 years. I changed definitively. But I did not reach the point of an healthy life management. After 2 years, I know where I want to go. I need help to find my way.
I will not allow guilt and shame to sabotage my commitment. Awareness, guilt and shame are precious friends that bring me to that point of questioning myself. I went too far to turn back.
I will allow myself time for change. I develop strong basics and tools to manage a balanced life. But many questions I did not find the answer : why this? My relation to my parent? Why I generate frustration? Why I overreact to “attention”? what is my vision about sexuality? I will allow time for change, time for reflection

2.
I want to be honest to myself at anytime
I want to be self confident
I want to control my temper and my frustration
I want to be known as I am, I want to have integrity
I want to be the partner my wife deserve
I want to develop a project for my couple, I want to feed our couple with my core identity
I want to love my wife
I want to communicate tranparently
I want to support repair of what I destroyed to my wife and children,
I want to help my children to become happy and balanced adult
I want to protect my family from my destructive pattern
I want to have an healthy relation to sex, to love
I want to give meaning to friendship
I want to have a peaceful and clear relation to my parent
I want to continue to be curious, to develop skills

3.
Over the last 2 years, the image of myself children came many time to my thought. I get more clarity about what I missed as a child. On the other hand I feel really guilt to think bad thing about my parent. I really feel they are not bad people. But I see with clarity how I always tried to match their supposed expectations instead of expressing my wish, my thought. Even if I feel unconfortable I think they did not do their best to let me express myself, develop my own ideas, and respect it. Instead of that they satisfied themselves about a “prefect” child. So I can see myself as innocent child, and I let this child to be confortable about what he would like to do, I avoid to give my own judgment only if it breaks boundaries. This kid become confortable to express opinion. Opinion that not necessarily match my own opinion. But instead of giving a definitive judgement, I welcome his opinion and feed my own questioning
I am a father of 3 children. The oldest one is a boy, 13 years old. I do not like football, but he plays football and we are happy to discuss (and we are both happy that France is in Final!). I do not believe in god, but I welcome his questioning about religion. I spoke to him about the reason why I stopped drinking. And recently we had a discuss about drug and addiction (it came from him)
Be confortable to speak with an adult, develop trust, feel equality in a relation, feel confidence, feel love and attention, understand what is a boundary.
This last exercise of this very first lesson have a strong resonation for me.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2018 2:58 am 
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Posts: 134
It is several weeks I did not post, and I had a long holidays for 3 weeks, without checking RN at all.

It has been an opportunity for reflection anyway: family, marital, professional projects, and of course about recovery.

I keep the idea to re-visit the lessons from beginning. I read with interest experiences from L2R and Anon. Their discoveries after second visit are really inspiring.

So I turn back to my work at the point I let mid of july.

On lesson 2, The following sentences inspired me:

“In a healthy recovery, YOU become the leader of your life — not the follower”, 2 years ago I expressed a first vision only as a “follower”, a “contributor” I wrote. I used to see life as a stream, that I just have to follow. On the stream there is opportunities. I was opportunist. I remember to have develop a second vision very quickly (and as far as I remember it realy came like a vision) that I want to stop to follow the stream, and to build my own life, to assume my choice. I did not catch this sentence the first time, but I remember this vision as a real foundation, despite the fact it does not clearly define a picture or objectives.

“Pursue Your Vision with Passion” At the time I supposed the word “passion” was meaningless for me. “Passion” came for building my life, exploring and developing my value. It helps to fight against my natural pro-crastination (and “followers” habits)

“start this process of real recovery by developing a passion for living your life. By developing a passion for learning how to manage that life. For learning how to build your identity through your values. For maximizing the stimulation that you derive from those values.”
“In a healthy life, pursuing your vision with passion will give way to developing true depth in your life. When that happens, you will no longer be vulnerable to emotional instability.”

I would not express better.

Follower, passion and frustration… this inspired me thought about what is my “engine”, what give me my passion.

And it does not start very healthily…
Let’s assume that I want to be love, to be “admired” (I recently read a useful post about love addiction)…
It was my engine in Love addiction and SA. I will explore later this fact (as L2R speak about “missing link”)
But beyond that point what is my strategy TODAY to achieve this goal?
Things have changed for the last 2 years
- I know my self, my confort zone
- I trust more myself
- I stopped to underestimate myself
- I am value driven
- I know more my core identity :energy, smile, good mood, self questioning, curiosity, taste for learning, for challenge
- These values can have negative side, they could feed unhealthy. But they generate passion
The love and admiration (and the relevant gratification) became only a consequence of my new behaviors, but not the objectives of my behaviors… Seeking for personal achievement instead of immediate gratification.

By the way, as a legacy I would like to remain someone love in memory, for my energy, for my ability to support people, my ability to give them attention and self confidence. To accompany them during difficult event or challenge. To be able to appreciate life for the challenges it offers, and to make it fun each time it is possible.

My vision is to share the road, the path with the partner I love deeply. In happy moment, in difficult time. I will let to her memory of a life lived with intensity, dynamism. I let strong memory around many little instant about our common passion for nature, for travelling. I want to share again life experiences abroad, and to discover beautiful natural place, in respect of our physical ability. A passion to build a house (literally and symbolicly) where our children, later gran children could rely on to be a rest area.

From that life I want to let to my children the taste for life, curiosity, openmindness. An optimistic and permanent belief that we are actor of our life, we can decide for change, we must always respect our values. A life where we cherish nature, living experiences more than collecting things or object.

To other people I know, or I will meet, I let the memory of a nature lover, someone able to involve with passion in a task, in a mission, someone able to lead people to great achievement. Professionally I want to let an intellectual legacy through writing or teaching.

I will have to explore in further lessons this need for recognition and admiration. I


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2018 4:45 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hi B
Quote:
I must consider myself in passive recovery. The door is not completely closed.

I keep the idea to re-visit the lessons from beginning. I read with interest experiences from L2R and Anon. Their discoveries after second visit are really inspiring.


What else is there to say
:g: :g: :g: :g: :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2018 12:09 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
LESSON 3 revisited
#Engine, #Identity, #for myself, #values derived from vision

I like the comparison with car’s engine and value. To bring energy. It is a language I sue a lot now. I did not catch this at first time, 2 years ago.

The last statement, “to not choose the value we belive are expecting from us”. I remember 2 years ago how this lesson was so difficult. Honnestly it took me most probably something like 12 hours to initialize lesson 3 to 6.

I remember I did the job the best I can, the most sincere I can at the time. I finished with a huge list of practical values… and of course not feasible. I failed, I overpressured myself, it hurts… but I would say it was part of the path.

At the time my vision was not so clear, and I read that vision must first be derivated from vision. Vision to choose where I would like to go, values will give the energy to take the path, to run back if take or explore the wrong path.

By the way, as a legacy I would like to remain someone love in memory, for my energy, for my ability to support people, my ability to give them attention and self confidence. To accompany them during difficult event or challenge. To be able to appreciate life for the challenges it offers, and to make it fun each time it is possible.
Recognition for my professionalism, my dynamism, my intellectual curiostity, my creativity, my good mood, my challenge spirit, and my leadership
Integrity, professionalism
Curiosity, challenge spirit
Good mood, care, fun, game spirit
Dynamism, health, leadership

My vision is to share the road, the path with the partner I love deeply. In happy moment, in difficult time. I will let to her memory of a life lived with intensity, dynamism. I let strong memory around many little instant about our common passion for nature, for travelling. I want to share again life experiences abroad, and to discover beautiful natural place, in respect of our physical ability. A passion to build a house (literally and symbolicly) where our children, later gran children could rely on to be a rest area.
Builder, achievement. My achievement
Partnership, intimacy, trust, care, support, sexual boundaries
Curiosity, travelling, socializing
Dynamism
Health, manage a life balance
Integrity, do thing with passion, finish the job
Parenting, intimacy
Children education, my son education
Nature, cherish what I have, I built

From that life I want to let to my children the taste for life, curiosity, openmindness. An optimistic and permanent belief that we are actor of our life, we can decide for change, we must always respect our values. A life where we cherish nature, living experiences more than collecting things or object.

Curiosity, openmindness
Optmism, dynamism
Good mood
Cherish what I have, Change what I can, respect boundaries
Show achievement, confidence, give confidence, support
Speak with passion about what I like (outdoor activity, trekking, trail running, travelling), Listen with care others people experience

To other people I know, or I will meet, I let the memory of a nature lover, someone able to involve with passion in a task, in a mission, someone able to lead people to great achievement. Professionally I want to let an intellectual legacy through writing or teaching.

Nature lover, health, simple life
Integrity, do thing with passion, finish the job
Dynamism, health, leadership, show achievement
Intellectual curiosity, open mindness
Transmit what I know, what I know how to do

I must add as well the following values:
Seek for autonomy, independence are engines for me too. Most probably generating selfish behavior, or isolation
Seek for admiration, group acceptance, recognition
In a sense, I want to be part of a group, but in same time very indivualist.
It is an engine, not sure only healthy, but this is something others may see from me

At this stage I would say I feel more easy to associate values. I just read my ost about those lessons 2 years ago. The values I described were very practical. Some of them are ingrained:
 For example, the fact to plan activity for my family, the fact to support burden. And as the acceptance that I am doing perfect
 My relationship to party. I finally make clear choice (stop alcohol). At the time I was not clear about my family, the door was still open. This door is definitevly closed now

Some values still need to be explore, develop. Skills need to be develop. I have a friend that start to learn guitar at 60. I can improve my listening, I an improve my understanding of intimacy. My value are what I really wish, what I really believe in.

Compare to the exercise 2 years ago, I admit that my list is not practical enough at this time. I wil develop them in further lesson. I want too. 2 years ago, it was really practical, and it helps me so much at that time. It was most probably more like an actions plan. I feel more confortable now to have value as guidance.


Here are the unclassified list of value I can extract for the previous job.

Recognition for my professionalism, Integrity, professionalism
Keep high level of expectation for the quality, self esteem
Integrity, Do what I say, do thing with passion, finish the job I accepted. Do not accept job for immediate gratification.
Express clearly my emotion, even at work
Share my dynamism, my good mood, my challenge spirit,
Share my natural optimism
Share my care, express my natural empathy
Maintain my game spirit, make things fun when it is possible
Maintain and share my intellectual curiostity,
Develop my creativity,
Control my leadership
Curiosity, challenge spirit
Maintain health physically and mentally
manage and monitor a life balance
Keep physical exercise at any age, in respect of my possibility, with taste of challenge
Keep healthy for the one I love to protect them
Learn emotional sobriety, control my temper, anticipate frustration, care of my confort area
To be a Builder, seek for achievement.
Be proud of my achievement
Be proud of my ability for change, for reconsideration
Give sense to the Partnership with my wife, at every age
Explore and develop intimacy, at every age,
Show care to my wife
Be a support to my wife
To help her in rebuilding
Never act a way I would not feel confortable to tell the one I love
Be faithful to my wife
Clarify, assume and enjoy my sexual boundaries
Close the door of my SA, seek for forgiveness
Continue Travelling, share these projects and experienes with my wife
Develop my Socializing ability around my value and in respect for my identity
Speak with passion about what I like (outdoor activity, trekking, trail running, travelling), Listen with care others people experience
Assume my identity. Be proud of my passion.
Do not hurt anyone with my thought except if my value are offended
Control my temper
Keep openmindness, develop my listening
To be a good father, Parenting,
Develop intimacy with all my children
Involve Children education,
Support my son education, his transition to teenager
Show interest and respect to my children
To always give attention and care to my children
To help them to become balance adults
To say I love you to my children and wife
Nature, share my passion for outdoor activities,
cherish what I have, I built. Be in present time,
Change what I can, understand and acept when it is better to "let it go",
to respect boundaries, mine and others
Show achievement, confidence, give confidence, provide support
Nature lover, health, simple life
Intellectual curiosity, open mindness
Transmit what I know, what I know how to do. Seek for opportunities to achieve my wish to transmit knowledge
Seek for autonomy and independence are engines for me too.
Control that my natural selfish behaviors, does not hurt anyone, or violate others important values or isolation
Develop awareness about emotional conflict
Seek for admiration, group acceptance, recognition, in respect of my value and identity
In a sense, I want to be part of a group, but in same time very indivualist. Keep my free will


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:57 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 411
Hi Bovary,

Well done for going back through the programme, I have no doubt that you will get real benefit from this and you have already shown that you have picked things up that you either missed or misunderstood the first time around. Thank you also for your words of support for myself and Anon in our own work on RN, whilst we are naturally primarily developing our own threads for ourselves it is nice to know that they also encourage others.

I hope that you find that you can look at the lessons with a fresh pair of eyes this time around with the benefit of knowing what lies ahead in future lessons. I found it a lot easier to concentrate on each lesson this time knowing that I don't need to wonder what the future lessons hold and when the magic box is going to be opened. If I am able to offer you any feedback based on Lessons 2 and 3 then I would just ask you to check that you are comfortable that your Vision and Values cover all you need for the ideal life that you are striving for. They look well thought through to me but as a sense check that I did for my own was that I thought about whether mine covered all key areas of my life, namely:

- Work/career
- Wife
- Family
- Leisure time with family
- Leisure time alone

When I have been looking at most peoples' Vision and Values when they first join they tend to focus on their commitments to their wife and children and I suspect this comes mainly form their feelings of guilt and shame which have driven them to join RN. That is understandable but for them to be appropriate and to act as a real cornerstone for the lessons that lie ahead and for the new life that they wish to have, they must cover all aspects of our life. In particular I find that many tend to miss off giving themselves time aside on their own to enjoy their own interests. Clearly there is a question of balance but it is important to have time to yourself too in order to have a balanced life. You have alluded to this in places (e.g. nature, guitar, etc) but it would do no harm to give that side one more check. The Vision and Values are yours though so don't put anything in just because I have raised it, they must work for you. Another way perhaps of looking at the non-work elements is to think of being on a desert island with your family and how you would wish to get the most out of that experience.

Good luck with your second trip through the lessons and I look forward to seeing what you pick up as you go through on your thread.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 11:37 am 
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Posts: 134
LESSON 4 revisited
#Guide #priorize #support decision making in unbalanced moment

Hi L2R, many thanks for your words.
I really put values according to what I think is my core identity. I think to my development first. As I read your comment, I understand we may feel by reading my value list is still focus on my image.
I think this time, my values are a more sincere and closer to my real identity. But this is an iterative process. I agree with your comment.
Of course I want to be love, recognized, appreciated, but for who I really am. My values represents what is really important for me.
The sorting, classification and sometime reformulation of the list is what I intend to do next, by reviewing lesson 4.
I agree the idea to link (sometime it will be redundant) values list to life pillars (partner, children, work, self development, leisure)

Reading the lesson another time is helpful to reinforce the role of the values : a guide. A guide for healthy life, and a practical guide for decision making.

I think I can understand something about the priorization and sorting I must do:
 I must cultivate and absolutely cherish and assume, the value that I already know are a big support for an healthy life. They were non existing 2 years ago. They exist and they were really efficient
 I must think about value I need to develop and to explore practically. My relecture is based on fact that I consider I did not close the door. So at one stage complacency is never far. Repriorize few value, practically may be a guide to move forward on this road to health.

Pillar : Professional
>>> keep high level of expectations (Content, Quality, Quanity)
>>> Do not allow cynism and frustration to deteriorate my self esteem
>>> Assume who I am, professionally :
>>> Develop skills to control my uncomfortable area as

Keep high level of expectation for the quality, self esteem
>>> monitor and analyse frustration or a any form of cynism
Integrity, Do what I say, do thing with passion, finish the job I accepted. Do not accept job for immediate gratification.
>>> do not accept job only to give satisfaction to other. Systematize “project framing”
Share my dynamism, my good mood, my challenge spirit
>>> this is natural, but I need to monitor frustration and cynism
Maintain my game spirit, make things fun when it is possible
>>> Assume my working method, in detail, and exemplarity
Control my leadership + Share my care, express my natural empathy
>>> control my temper
>>> develop coaching approach instead of consulting
>>> manage 1 project differently over the coming year
Learn emotional sobriety, control my temper, anticipate frustration, care of my confort area
>>> anticipate, using recovery tool, risky situation

Secundary values
Recognition for my professionalism, Integrity, professionalism
Express clearly my emotion, even at work
Share my natural optimism
Maintain and share my intellectual curiostity,
Develop my creativity,
Curiosity, challenge spirit

Pillar : Personal development
I am an introverted guy, I know it and I assume it. My personal development is reached with individual achievement more than collective. And naturally I will seek for autonomy.
But I recognize I found achievement about sharing what I like. Because I am curious I am interested by other’s experience.
These individuals skills are useful to maintain healthy life. For example my sport practice is not new but considered as a value has seriously help me to avoid smoking relapse.

In this context priorized values would be
Keep physical health
>>> Keep practice sport
o Continue trail running to not seek for performance, but achievement/challenge (discover new place, explore my limit, develop program)
o Share and propose to share
o Continue to run with other, to adapt my rythm

Learn emotional sobriety, control my temper, anticipate frustration, care of my confort area
>>> keep the limit to 0 about alchohol, cigarette and drugs consumption
>>> anticpate the frustration, continue weekly monitoring to check emotional balance
>>> check complacency, continue a weekly check to RN
>>> involve myself in Forum if I need help or I think I can offer help
>>> revisit all lessons (1 per week at least) of RN

Keep monthy contact with friends : B, L

Secundary values
Keep physical exercise at any age, in respect of my possibility, with taste of challenge
Keep healthy for the one I love to protect them
To be a Builder, seek for achievement.
Be proud of my achievement
Be proud of my ability for change, for reconsideration

Pillar : Partner
Give sense to the Partnership with my wife, at every age… I am not able to give an exact definition of what is love, what is coupe.
But it must make sense, for both of us I suppose.
For my wife couple has a lot of sense before DDay. Everything has been destroyed.

Give sense at every age… I will not project myself too much and I will just highlight what are the value I would like to develop in cherish in the coming months.

Be more self confident in intimacy
Clarify, assume and enjoy my sexual boundaries
Close the door of my SA, seek for forgiveness
>>> revisit every Recovery nation over the coming years
>>> communicate regularly about wher I am in the process (I do not have formal process for that. It has been usefule 1 year ago!)

Be faithful to my wife
Never act a way I would not feel confortable to tell the one I love
>>> respect my absolute boundaries
>>> constinue pro active actions plan to check any new risky situation

Show care to my wife, Be a support to my wife, in the couple
>>> keep time weekly for lunch/diner in order to communicate
>>> be actor of day to day couple life : education, housework, sdainistrative, finance

Develop common project
>>> involvement in hour house
>>> organize trip travel, both for family and for ourself

Secundary values
Continue Travelling, share these projects and experienes with my wife
Develop my Socializing ability around my value and in respect for my identity
Speak with passion about what I like (outdoor activity, trekking, trail running, travelling), Listen with care others people experience
Assume my identity. Be proud of my passion.
Do not hurt anyone with my thought except if my value are offended
Control my temper
Keep open mindness, develop my listening

Pillar : Children

At any age, I want to offer comfortable and healthy environment (material and emotional) to my children to help them to become balanced people. This bring a lot of value to me.

Develop intimacy with my children : be listening, consider them as adult when they talk
Involve myself Children education, not only at school.
Show interest and respect to my children
To say I love you to my children and wife

Secundary values
To be a good father, Parenting,
Involve Children education,
Support my son education, his transition to teenager
Show interest and respect to my children
Nature, cherish what I have, I built. Be in present time,
Curiosity,
Good mood
Cherish what I have, Change what I can, respect boundaries
Show achievement, confidence, give confidence, provide support

Pillar : Leisure

Leisure against personal development? Leisure are here to make me feel good. They are practiced in respect of my values, and by the way, mays help to develop them.

Nature lover, health, simple life
>>> continue to propose and organize events around nature (hiking, trial running or simply pick nick) to others people I like

Secundary values
Intellectual curiosity, open mindness
Transmit what I know, what I know how to do. Seek for opportunities to achieve my wish to transmit knowledge
Seek for autonomy and independence are engines for me too.
Control that my natural selfish behaviors, does not hurt anyone, or violate others important values or isolation
Develop awareness about emotional conflict
Seek for admiration, group acceptance, recognition, in respect of my value and identity
In a sense, I want to be part of a group, but in same time very indivualist. Keep my free will

After a second reading, reformulation and sorting, I will carry for the next chapter the following values. I will redevelop my actions plan around these values. I think they are good as guide, good to support my decision maling and continue my path to health.

-Keep high level of expectation for the quality, preserve self esteem
-Share my dynamism, my good mood, my challenge spirit, never become cynical
-Learn emotional sobriety, control my temper, anticipate frustration, learn to express my empathy, care of my confort area
-Keep physical health
-Keep monthy contact with friends : B, L
-Be more self confident in intimacy, Clarify, assume and enjoy my sexual boundaries
-Close the door of my SA, seek for forgiveness, revisit RN lesson, keep emotional monitoring
-Be faithful to my wife
-Show care to my wife, Be a support to my wife, in the couple
-Develop common project with my wife
-Develop intimacy with my children : be listening, consider them as adult when they talk, Show interest and respect to my children
-Involve myself Children education, not only at school.
-To say I love you to my children and wife
-Promote Nature lover, health, simple life


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