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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2016 9:53 am 
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Posts: 134
Lesson 21
I have never been actor of my life, just following opportunity, never fought to reach a target. So both first questions are difficult to answer for me. I feel despair!

Here below my exercise. It took me 3 days to think about it.

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?
I failed in my socializing life, I have very few friends, no one to talk.
I failed because I am not able to love someone. I meet people just to satisfy my need to not be alone. I offer this person the image they want to let feel themselves comfortable. As far as I am not physically closed to a person, I switch to another one in order to satisfy my unique need.
At the end I have never bud serious relation with anybody.
I failed because I meet people only for me, and I interact with them in order to not generate negative opinion. I am not myself. I have always the feeling to be judged.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
Materially I succeed in life in the sense I live far more comfortably that I was expected.
I save money, I am very conservative and I do not like to buy stuff (just buy what I need). I succeed maybe because I did not see money as a gratification. I do not like it and I am not especially proud of money. I adapt my uses to the money I have. The goal was just to not have "money issue" and it is reached.
During addiction I lost a little bit this sense even if I remember it was still very present. I was not seducing by wasting money, by using money to build or reinforce my image.
By the way protect myself and my family from money issues can be considered as an achievement. And most probably because I keep a value on me.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

I read several time deeply the lesson. And one sentence seems really helpful:
"Because of the nature of compulsive behavior, you cannot simply stop destructive behavior without having a plan in place for how you are going to manage the subsequent pressure that will result. So, when the goal becomes to change the behaviors, without giving much thought to the roles those behaviors were playing in your life, and how those roles will be replaced, your road to a permanent recovery ends."

I want to split my target around 3 items:
- abstinence
- value
- achievement

Abstinence is a must, value an engine but achievement is necessary to build many others pillars for my life and support the stress.

And for the moment 3 periods;
- very short term (VST)- up to August 5th: this is holiday period with my family
- short term (ST)- August: this is a period when I will be alone, a period I used in the past to have many affairs
- middle term (MT) - till end of the year

I do not feel yet able to describe what would be long term target(LT): value driven decision maker. But my target on shorter term must enable to fix practical target in a continuous process.

VST
Abstinence:
No masturbation, no porn, no chat
No cigarett
Value:
Achieve up to lesson 28
Complete my second monthly monitoring
Write and share my August activity planning with my partner
Achievement
Maintain good atmosphere for my family during the holidays
- propose activities daily
- share intimacy with children and my wife
- continue to talk with my wife
Develop friendship ( restore relation ship):
- with relatives - in progress
- with my best friend - July 31st
Achieve all task planned in my actions plan
Initialize my "professional skills review" on August 2nd

ST
Abstinence
No masturbation, no porn, no chat
No cigarett
No contact with previous mistress if I am contacted
Avoid "dangerous place"
Stay sober when I socialize
Value
Work daily on my recovery lesson, achieve at least up to lesson 35 by end of August
Prepare my "professional skill review"
Full daily my healthy monitoring and complete by end of month my third monthly monitoring
Talk daily to my wife
Continue to support burden, give attention to my family even if we are not together
Follow my actions plan and share achievement with my wife
Achievement
Prepare our next holiday
Achieve my work target with my new mission
Organize 2 trial race with friends
Meet friends at home
Initialize a 12 month road map that balance pilar for me:
-family
- work
- intimacy and sex
- friendship
- sport and leisure
- culture

MT
Abstinence
Continue monitoring till end of the year 2016
Value
Achieve all recovery lesson before end of September 2016
Report monthly monitoring till end of the year
Achievement
Finish my skill review process by end of the year
Establish a 12 month road map with my wife by middle of September
Start the "couple program" and achieve it by end of year 2016


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:40 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
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Lesson 22 & 23

I grouped both lesson 22 and 23. It took me time to understand the behavior description, and the example in lesson 23 was useful to understand it has a chain.

So I will propose the description of 2 rituals.

The first one is about “Masturbation”, the ritual I may consider as the core of my addiction. The second one is about “Meeting women during partying” which is a very important fantasy feeder.

Ritual 1 : masturbation
1. I feel boredom, this generate a stress about the emptiness of the moment, I think masturbation could be a good way to have pleasure. It happens the morning as well, I feel excited, I think I could masturbate in the shower to achieve pleasure and start well the day
2. I think about the way I will reach the orgasm, try to find the best way according the time that can be allowed, the context (family next to me, or I am alone…). Like choosing in a bookshelf, I select the fantasy:
 First I seek in my memory to generate a situation that will stimulate me
 I possible, go on intrenet to seek porn video or picture. I will think about the key word I will use this time
Whatever the “support” f my fantasy, the goal is to produce a visual image about sex behavior. I am particularly stimulated by penetration and ejaculation thought.
3. I start to touch myself, focusing only on touch sensation. I do not give too much attention to fantasy at this stage.
4. Once I start to get hard, I go more deeply into the fantasy
5. When I start to feel orgasm coming soon, I slow down the stimulation, I turned off temporary my attention from fantasy
6. Once I feel calm down, I switch again to fantasy, this time I increase the stimulation level by selecting “harder” one, more focus on orgasm
7. This operation can be done several time, depending on the time allowed. I had masturbation session of more than 1 hour.
8. At once stage, the decision to go to orgasm is taken, I increase my hand stimulation (frequency…) and m fantasy (image are now pure fantasy even when derived from actual scene)
9. Then comes the orgasm. I have several way to increase the stimulation of the orgasme
 Basically stop breathing
 If possible I like to scream
 If possible I like to see the sperm
 If possible continue the hand stimulation
10. Once ritual is finished, I feel extremely good. My concentration has increased, I feel I can give attention to my life now, the stress has reduced.

Over this ritual the stimulation involved are:
Achievement: 1, 10
Suspense : 2
Sensory, physical stimulation : 3, 5, 7
Fantasy : 1, 4, 6
Orgasm : 9

Value assigned
Achievement: 3
Suspense : 1
Sensory, physical stimulation : 3
Fantasy : 3
Orgasm : 2

Filters applied
Achievement: 3
Time : 3, not very important because I adapt my ritual to the context. If I have no time, I will handle the ritual quickly
Intensity : Not really applicable, the achievement is to return to normal life with a “clear mind”, like a drug addict after a shoot. 1
Habituation: not significant as well, 1
Suspense : 1
Time : the selection of the fantasy bring a lot of pleasure, I enjoy to look in my memories especially, like to choose a book in a huge library. There is no urge, the fact to select the “theme “ of my masturbation session bring a lot of stimulation. I would put 5
Intensity : I will put 5 at this stage. It is during masturbation when I will play the fantasy that maximum intensity will be reach
Habituation : 5, I need to renew my library sometime…
Sensory, physical stimulation : 3
Time : I can handle the time according the context, I can manage waves. I master the time, longer the session it is, better it is, but I can handle in a short time if necessary. I will put 3.
Intensity : 10, the physical contact bring a lot of stimulation
Habituation : 1
Fantasy : 3
Time: 3, the time to seek for fantasy (refer to suspense), but once the fantasy is choosen, time is not so important.
Intensity : 8, image I can generate in my mind bring a lot of stimulation
Habituation : 5, need to renew it sometime, that explain the use of porn, and affairs
Orgasm : 2
Time : 1
Intensity : 10, even if recently I discovered that I could stop masturbation before the orgasm, orgasm remains a must
Habituation : 1

Summary
Achievement: 3x3 + 3x1 + 3x1 = 15 > 3 stimulations
Suspense : 1x5 + 1x5 + 1x5 = 15 > 3 stimulations
Sensory, physical stimulation : 3x3 + 3x10 + 3x1 = 42 > 8.4 stimulations
Fantasy : 3x3 + 3x8 + 3x5 = 48 > 9.6 stimulations
Orgasm : 2x1 + 2x10 + 2x1 = 24 > 4.8 stimulations
Total : 144 / 5 = 28.8 stimulations


What did I learn from this analyzis? What I can do on day to day?
The very positive effect about masturbation, is the stress removal. Actually the stress is mainly generated by fantasy and by the addiction in itself (I fell like a junkie)
I notice the fact to have a kind word, or a hug with my wife, when fantasy become very present, reduce significantly the intensity of fantasy, and help me to redirect my thought to something else, to turn back to present.
I have explained that to my partner, ask her, if possible, to help during the moment the fantasy (and the stress) come back. If I reduce the intensity of fantasy, I can stop the ritual.

Ritual 2 : “Meeting women during partying”
1. I have never meet women in other condition than a party. So It means I have never been sober when I started to meet a woman. Alcohol is mandatory for this. It enables me to overlap my boundary: fight my shyness, seek for danger… This is related to POLYADDICATION and I give value 3 to this behavior. Without this it is not possible to move forward. Time can be long before to feel confident (I would say 7) , intensity is not significant, the environment is more important, (I would say 2), Habituation is medium (I am not yet a day to day alcoholic, I would say 4) => 39
2. Something important in the ritual is to choose the place to party. As the goal become to meet women instead of having good time with friends, the party can include several bar or club visit, until to find “the place”! Whoever my party friends were (some of them were addicted as I can guess now), I was able to implement the same ritual. A good place for me must offer a place to dance, to enter in contact with other women with an indirect approach. This is related to SUSPENSE, I give value 1, I could avoid this process and go directly to a place with prostitute for example, it already happens, but this process increase the intensity and the achievement feeling (seducer, hunter…)
3. Once the place is choosen there is a ritual to feel confortable : start to dance, to perform a mapping of the place, of the women present. If OK, I can start to drink. This is related to VISUAL and LISTENING (music) SENSORY.
4. I like to dance. I dance a lot. I would say is a way to show my identity: handsome guy, but who like to joke about himself, smiling, a bit crazy. This is related to ACHIEVMENT, and SENSORY. It is very important ritual. Dance is a must, it is my way to catch interest. I would put the value 2. It can take a long time, intensity and habituation is low. That’s my job!
5. I try to catch visual contact with woman. This is very important signal to get closer. It is very intense, but very short time (I gave up quickly if I do not feel response, I try to avoid reject). This is a primary Behavior as well, related to SUSPENSE, I value it 3, the Time is short, intensity is medium, habituation is very high.
6. Then a contact is taken. I start to dance with the woman. I move step by step to sexy dance (very slowly). I still did not speak. This related to SENSORY, FANTASY and ACHIEVMENT. Usually I did not share any real discuss with the woman at the is stage, and until a long time, the process stop there giving me achievement feeling
7. The very primary goal is to get Achievement and recognition of the value of my identity. I will adapt to the person, but the goal is to develop the contact, get a phone number, a kiss or even directly have sex. Then I can move to other ritual: masturbation, romantic fantasy or “hard” sex. I quote the stimulation “Achievement”, with a 3. Time is not significant (like for orgasm) but intensity is very high and habituation as well. Like for orgasm I feel good and self-confident once I succeed to seduce a new woman. Even If I have no sex.

What did I learn from this analyzis? What I can do on day to day?
The goal of this ritual is to feel accomplishment, to have a recognition of my identity. Of course the origin is a very low self esteem. The recent week I have seen I can develop self esteem by other mean: my value. I have very positive experience (with my wife, my family, with friends and at work) that demonstrated to me that I can be love for myself. Even if it does not have the intensity of the addiction behaviors, this is real and give me big hope.
The starting point of this ritual is ALCHOHOL. I have a bad relation with alchohol. Too much alchohol makes me lose my boundary. I will have to consider to be sober. It is an important part of my personality, so I do not minimize the change (a lot of peope see me as a party man, and they “appreciate” me for this reason). Such kind of event are included in my abstinence program as well.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:43 am 
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Lesson 24

There’re 2 compulsive chain in my global addiction problem. Of course there’re linked and they generated other secondary chains, that I did not explore yet in detail.
 Masturbation, to fill the void, the boredom, to feel calm, to remove stress
 Seduction, in order to get the recognition of my identity. This become an engine for the fantasy, and fantasy ask for more seuction (to stick the reality to the fantasy)

My wheel
Achievement : to get the recognition of my “identity” (the party man, the seducer) or to get stress removal
 Fantasy : dreams about sex, based on actual experience and porn view
 Romantic fantasy : about chat with mistress, I talk to them, a way to develop my seducer
 Touch sensory : very important, it feed fantasy as well. Most probably it explains why I prefer my mistress to prostitute act.
 Visual sensory : I made love in a very « voyeurist » mode. I made love to catch visual memory, to see my fantasy, and to feed my fantasy
 Poly-addiction : alcohol is always present In my seduction chain
 Suspense: as part of the seduction ritual, as part of masturbation ritual (select the way I will reach the orgasm)

My main rituals:
Masturbation : I detailed in lesson 22 & 23

Seduction (I named this ritual “Meet woman during party”) I detailed in lesson 22&23

Chat with mistress or potential mistress
1. There is 2 differents starting point:
 I need to prepare the next “sex date” with a mistress, the chat is a pre-heating. Basically, I start to have fantasy about sex
 In some case my regular mistresses do not want to see me (many time they rejected me because they feel not confortable in this role), and I feel alone, bore, I need to get assurance I am not alone, that my identity is not completely reject.
ACHIEVEMENT :
Value : 3
Time : Not significant for stimulation, but I spent a lot of time on it (like a hardworker). I think if the time (and the effort) would have been shorter I would not have have felt some much stimulated. I put a 5
Intensity : From 1 to 9. In most of the case this excercise was just motivated by the fact to maintain a relation, but closer I was from a urge need, stronger was the intensity. Lt it 1 for the moment, intensity was given by the answer.
Habituation : 1 not significant, it was a kind of necessary job to satisfy an objective
Total : 21
2. Depending the motivation, I can select different way to communicate:
 Email: preferred one, it enables to develop a “romantic communication” (long letter), a quick answer is not expected
 Phone: if the urge is more important, I will use phone. It is less easy to develop romantism in this way, but it looks more “sincere”
 Chat system / message : used especially in the second case, the absolute urge to get a romantic contact. In this case a quick answer is expected.
With my main mistress I was used to send every morning a message “good morning” for which I received an answer few time after, and an email with a letter, for which a systematic answer was not expected.
ROMANTIC FANTASY
Value 2
Time : Related to effort, my chat were not purely sexual. I put a lot of “romantism” in it (I wrote several poem, drawing…) and my letters were daily and long. The effort given to develop a “complex” personality trough these message was necessary to increase the pleasure. I am used to remember the lyrics from “Carmen”, rougly “If you love me, I do not love you, but I Love you, take care of you!”. I quote time 7
Intensity : not significant, intensity is given by the answer, I quote 1
Habituation : 1, not significant
Total : 18

3. Then I wrote my message/letter. I can say that in most of the case I worte thing about myself, not abut the other woman. I wrote stuff to confirm my identity, the identity I built to each one of her (a romantic superman!)
4. I get my energy of this ritual by the fact to receive an answer. And of course, the assurance that I will/wuld date the women. I felt very “good” when I get an answer. I felt stronger, that gave me a lot of assurance and esteem.
ACHIEVEMENT
Value : 3
Time : Time was short, an answer is enough. If no answer or “negaitve” answer, I will re-iterate the process (no necessary with the same person). But the content of the answer was not so important, the pleasure came from the time and attention given to the answer from my mistress. I quote time as not significant 1
Intensity : Whatever the answer, it gives a lot of stimulation, like an orgasm if it was positive, or to re-start the process is it was negative. I quote intensity 10
Habituation : depending of the effort required to get the positive answer. If it is easy, the power is low, if it is with a new mistress, or a “complex” personality, the power is important. I would quote 5
Total : 48
This is a very basic chain, I name it “secondary chain”. I develop it from my “seduction” chain, to complete my “masturbation chain”
This chain helps to sustain my “addicted personality”.

Have sex with mistress
At the peak of my addiction, I had a least 1 night outside per week to have sex with one of my mistress. And it was increasing more and more (I was dating 2 to 3 womens per week, just my time management does not enable me to have sex each time).
I could say I had 3 objectives, 3 primary behavior, for these affairs:
1. Get a maximum of orgasm, and be a good performer
2. Go deeper in the achievement of fantasy (feed by porn movie)
3. And despite of that, keep a good image of the romantic over
Here is the standard way the ritual took place
0. Plan the moment (several day before – lie to my wife, create a story, communicate with my mistress)
1. Select a hotel
2. Contact, to fix a place to meet, do not speak about the hotel
3. Take the key of my hotel, put my stuff in the room, take a shower
4. Meet the woman
5. “Pre-heating” – romantic moment: from talk to hug
6. Invite to spend the night together
7. Start to have sex, immediately
8. Stop, calm down
9. Restart softly
10. Insert “porn imagination” in the ritual
11. First orgasm
12. Romantic moment (take a shower together for example)
13. Restart touch
14. Have sex a second time, with increasing the number of reference to porn fantasy (better when the partner explicitely refer to porn scene)
15. Second orgasm
16. Romantic moment and sleep
17. Wake up (usually after 3-4 hours sleep)
18. Make love, try to get a third organsm
19. Organise a short romantic moment before to leave
20. After leaving, immediately send a message to thanks for the “incredible night”
21. Restart normal life, big achievement feeling for at least 2 days (usually I have masturbation in the next 12 hours).
Behaviors involved
Achievement : 6, 12, 16, 19, 20, 21
Romantic fantasy : 3, 4, 5, 12, 16, 19, 20
Porn fantasy : 7, 10, 14, 18
Visual sensory : 7, 10; 13, 14,
Touch sensory : 5, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18
Orgasm : 11, 15, 18
Suspense: 0, 1, 4, 5, 6
Value
Achievement : 3
Romantic fantasy : 2
Porn fantasy : 3
Visual sensory : 2
Touch sensory : 2
Orgasm : 3
Suspense: 2
Quotation
Achivement : 3
Time : 3 goals are achieved – orgasme, very short, personality for a medium time, fantasy, for a long time, - I will quote 3
Intensity : big stimulation for the 3 objectives – I will quote 9
Habituation : 7, as it is complex operation to organize, made of several ritual, whoever the partner is, the level of habituation is important
Total : 59
Romantic fantasy : 2
Time : the effort has been made previously with chat process, so at this stage the time does not increase the stimulation, the job of seduction has been made. But need to maintain “romantism”, so I will quote 4
Intensity : Related to the effort, I will quote 3, the purpose is only to achieve a goal to sustain a romantic personality
Habituation : no effect, 1
Total : 16
Porn fantasy : 3
Time : longer it is, better it is. I do not speak about the pleasure (it can even be painful), but to feel like a porn performer is important. So I will quote 6
Intensity : As I do not explicit my “worst” fantasy, it is a step by step process. The intensity is given by the opportunity to try something new, making me closer from my worst fantasy. So I will quote 7
Habituation : very high, 9
Total : 66
Visual sensory : 2
Time : keep the maximum of memory, to have to most explicit sex, like in a porn movie. I will quote time as 5
Intensity : It brings satisfaction, but does not increase so significantly intensity : I will quote 5
Habituation : very high, I lke to see, as a porn movie spectator : I will quote 9
Total 38
Touch sensory : 2
Time : 9, longer it is better it is. It was important for me to be a good (a long time in fact!) performer
Intensity : 9, the touch stmulates all objectives : porn, attention, orgasm
Habituation : 9
Total: 54
Orgasm : 3
Time : 1
Intensity : 5
Habituation 9
Total : 45
Suspense: 2
Time : this is highly related to romantic fantasy. Suspense will increase the stimulation of the romantic fantasy, and by the way the related achievement (sustain my romantic personality) - 4
Intensity - 3
Habituation – 1
Total : 16
It is an interesting ritual, I think I could enter more in detail of few behaviors. By the way, it provides me the following lesson
The achievement are multiple. I can find already in my value a way to compensate my search for personality.
The high level of stimulation given by the touch sensory and Porn fantasy. I think a parallel is possible with the masturbation ritual. It is a god thing to see a link in term of stimulation. If I master my masturbation ritual, most probably I won’t develop affairs. That confirm why I consider this process as a “secondary ritual”, an extension of masturbation, even if it is far more powerful (because of multiplicity of achievement).


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:46 am 
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Lesson 25

I take back the 4 rituals previously analyzed. I had already made a split very similar to the one of lesson 25. So I will summarize this time the compulsive element, and with the time I think I can complete some new one.

As I indicate previously, I consider that I have 2 primary rituals: masturbation and seduction. Then other rituals are an extension to increase the stimulation and emotional intensity.

 Masturbation :
1. I feel boredom, this generate a stress about the emptiness of the moment,
2. My thought start to turn around sex image. I think masturbation could be a good way to have pleasure.
3. I need to select the way I will reach the orgasm : the place (toilet, shower in most of the case) and the support for my fantasy (just my memories, or porn media)
4. Once decided, I move to the place (in most of the case the toilet) with my Iphone
5. I seat on toilet, and start the internet browser and go directly to the internet address I have decided.
6. I start to touch myself to get an erection
7. Once the erection is here, I start to focus on fantasy (prn or memories)
8. When I start to feel orgasm coming soon, I slow down the stimulation, I turned off temporary my attention from fantasy
9. Once I feel calm down, I switch again to fantasy, this time I increase the stimulation level by selecting “harder” one, more focus on orgasm
10. This operation can be done several time, depending on the time allowed. I had masturbation session of more than 1 hour.
11. The decision to go to orgasm is taken, I increase my hand stimulation (frequency…) and my fantasy (image are now pure fantasy even when derived from actual scene)
12. Then comes the orgasm. I have several way to increase the stimulation of the orgasm
 Basically stop breathing
 If possible I like to scream
 If possible I like to see the sperm
 If possible continue the hand stimulation
13. I feel extremely good. My concentration has increased, I can give attention to my life now, the stress has reduced. Usually I look myself into a mirror to see me and confirm the feeling.

Starting point : point n°2, my thought start to move to porn fantasy. Usually it corresponds to moment when I am not very busy.
Point of no return : I did not put “orgasm” as my primary stimulation. So strangely, I can stop the process to reach orgasm at any time (it happens even during my peak period). I will feel achieved by the physical sensation, the fantasy and the fact that I resist to orgasm. The PONR, is point n°3, I took the decision to masturbate, because my thought and my emotion are too strong.
End of ritual : n°13, a feeling of achievement, confirmed by my vision in a mirror.

 Seduction

1. I have never meet women in other condition than a party. So It means I have never been sober when I started to meet a woman. Alcohol is mandatory for this. It enables me to overlap my boundary: fight my shyness, seek for danger…
2. I am drunk following a party
3. I have noticed girls with sex appeal
4. I am not drunk enough to have direct approach
5. I want to move to a place where I could dance to catch the attention of women
6. I select a place where it will be possible to meet women and to dance
7. I move to the place
8. I have a first check of the place : visual and sound
9. If the first check is positive, I need to start to dance to confirm my feeling.
10. I feel it is possible to catch attention, so decision is taken to stay
11. Order more drink, and drink more
12. Dance, make something little different
13. Go to dance, the goal is to generate attention
14. Smile
15. If there is a stage, go and dance to the stage
16. If possible to invite others people to dance (male and female – without any sex interest), to show a kind of “authority”
17. I try to catch visual contact with woman.
18. Once visual is taken, confirm by dancing that the visual signal is clear
19. Dance with the woman, increase the intensity (intimacy and sexy)
20. Start to share few words
21. Check on face, language the interest for myself
22. Propose to go on isolate place, propose a drink
23. Go back to dance
24. Propose to go for discuss again
25. Get the confirmation that I have seduced. Ideally a kiss.
26. The ritual end with the assurance that it is possible to move further (a kiss, a phone number, or we leave together to have sex..)

Starting point : I am in a party, I am drunk, my thought start to move to women. The next stage of the party will be to meet women. By the way, I could say that at my peak period, the only purpose of party with friends was to meet women. Alcohol is absolutely necessary in this ritual. I could globally said that I never started a relation with a woman without alchohol (even my wife in a sense).
Point of no return : point of no return is 17, at this stage I have clearly decided that I will meet a woman (but success is not garantyed). But the fantasy machine will be feed anyway!
End of ritual : Difficult to clearly defined the end of this ritual. Practically there is several way to mark the achievement (a phone contact, a kiss, an affair… or even masturbation session when I go back home)

The 2 next rituals are for me extension of the 2 previous one. They increase considerably the emotional intensity.

Chat with mistress or potential mistress
1. There is 2 differents starting point:
 I need to prepare the next “sex date” with a mistress, the chat is a pre-heating. Basically, I start to have fantasy about sex
 In some case my regular mistresses do not want to see me (many time they rejected me because they feel not confortable in this role), and I feel alone, bore, I need to get assurance I am not alone, that my identity is not completely reject.
2. Depending the motivation, I can select different way to communicate:
 Email: preferred one, it enables to develop a “romantic communication” (long letter), a quick answer is not expected
 Phone: if the urge is more important, I will use phone. It is less easy to develop romantism in this way, but it looks more “sincere”
 Chat system / message : used especially in the second case, the absolute urge to get a romantic contact. In this case a quick answer is expected.
3. Then I wrote my message/letter. I can say that in most of the case I worte thing about myself, not abut the other woman. I wrote stuff to confirm my identity, the identity I built to each one of her (a romantic superman!)
4. I get my energy of this ritual by the fact to receive an answer. And of course, the assurance that I will/would date the women. I felt very “good” when I get an answer. I felt stronger, that gave me a lot of assurance and esteem.

Starting point : A need for recognition, thought where I discussed with my mistress (to get recognition)
Point of no return : From the beginning, point 2, once I start to write the first word. It means that practically I give shape to this romantic fantasy
End of ritual : Get an answer

 Have sex with mistress

0. Plan the moment (several day before – lie to my wife, create a story, communicate with my mistress)
1. Select a hotel
2. Contact, to fix a place to meet, do not speak about the hotel
3. Take the key of my hotel, put my stuff in the room, take a shower
4. Meet the woman
5. “Pre-heating” – romantic moment: from talk to hug
6. Invite to spend the night together
7. Start to have sex, immediately
8. Stop, calm down
9. Restart softly
10. Insert “porn imagination” in the ritual
11. First orgasm
12. Romantic moment (take a shower together for example)
13. Restart touch
14. Have sex a second time, with increasing the number of reference to porn fantasy (better when the partner explicitely refer to porn scene)
15. Second orgasm
16. Romantic moment and sleep
17. Wake up (usually after 3-4 hours sleep)
18. Make love, try to get a third organsm
19. Organise a short romantic moment before to leave
20. After leaving, immediately send a message to thanks for the “incredible night”
21. Restart normal life, big achievement feeling for at least 2 days (usually I have masturbation in the next 12 hours).

Starting point : I want to have sex, I want to perform porn fantasy. It starts the same way that masturbation ritual. The porn fantasy start to fill my mind.
Point of no return : Once the contact and meeting place is fixed, the change of decision without big emotional impact is not possible.
End of ritual : point 20, message to thanks.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 8:08 am 
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Lesson 26

I feel the past lessons have been profitable. I think I understand now that what I considered as a need was in fact a decision based on emotion. It is a very important discovery for me.

I would like to use this lesson 26 to focus on very recent ritual related to my addiction.

Based on my daily recovery, I can say I did not act out for more than 1.5 month
- Masturbation : 6 weeks
- Meet woman during durnk party : 8 weeks
- Chat : 6 month
- Sex with mistress : 9 month

But my “daily monitoring” shows me that I have sexual thought every day. Every day, I start one of the ritual, and even if I stop before point of no return, I want now to discover exactly the emotion that drive my behavior.

I have 2 rituals very recent.

Ritual 1 : related to Chat
2 weeks ago I have been noticed by email, that people look at my LinkedIn profile (professional network).
I know that my main mistress can communicate to me with this support.
2 years ago, we have restarted the relation (stopped for 4 month) using this media.
The media has just been used to re-start the contact, in a friendly way. We have no professional link anyway. And I remove her contact from the application 9 month ago.
When I am noticed about someone visiting my profile, I am immediately triggered by this memory.
So I connect the application and click on notification message.
Emotionally I know I would be satisfied (gratification) that she visit my profile.
And 2 weeks ago the notification indicated me a visit on my profile from her.
The fantasy machine restart immediately.
The point of no return can be reach very quickly. I just need to click on her profile. I know this will send her a message that I have visited her profile.
I have a big temptation to click. Let’s understand the emotion that could drive me to this behavior:
I feel a big gratification that she check my profile. It is maybe a mistyping from her, but my fantasy starts immediately: I am existing for her, she think about me, she loves me.
And by the way, based on this fantasy, I would like to turn back to the romantic lover identity. And then click in order to show her that I have well received her “message” (there is no message at all actually), that I still think about her despite I do not want to continue the relation.
I did not click on her profile, I did not open the box, but my though continued to move to romantic fantasy. I imagine what kind of thing I will tell to her.
I am lucid enough to understand that this virtual speech has only one purpose: restore my past personality of Ego.
And by the way, the hours following this “incident”, my porn fantasy came back very strongly as well, with a strong urge for masturbation.
I know the strong need from masturbation have been activated by the emotion provided by this incident:
1. I receive attention from a woman
2. I want to satisfy her attention by developing a romantic seducer personality
3. I start a mental discuss with that woman
4. In parallel my thought about sex increase
5. The intensity of sex thought increase, turn to porn situation (especially with a mistress)
6. I want to masturbate
I feel guilty because I did not speak about that to my wife. I mean at this stage, I have made nothing at all, only think about it, but these thought make me feel guilty. I spoke to her about the power of my thought these days: I told her I thought about my mistress in a very porn way, It was difficult to control, and that I wanted to masturbate.
I think the decision to not speak to my wife about the fact my profile has been visited is emotionally based : not hurt her and protect myself, keep a secret.
So I think I should tell her.
The work made on compulsive ritual is very useful because now I understand that behind behavior and feeling there are emotions.
And I can take others decisions (currently the decision are mainly based on my abstinence commitment), based on long term value.

Ritual 2 : Woman in the street
Yesterday I went for running with my son. We are near a big forest, and I was glad he wanted to run with me.
Half track (we ran for 1 hour and half) we had a break, on the top of the hill.
I used this break to call my wife, to wee if could catch her with the car in anbother place in order to have a big tour with my son.
This forest is nearly desert, we cross less than 10 hikers over 10km.
During our break, 2 young woman (I would say around 25) came sit next to us.
I was on the phone and back to these women, but when I heard them, I turn my head to have a look.
It took less than 1 second but one of the girl attract me.
I was on the phone and back to them, so I stopped to look.
The girls left before I finished my phone call.
Once I finished my phone call, instead of giving back attention to my son to tell him about the second half of the tour, I stand up and try to see where were the girls!
I found them, they were lost and did not go to far, so I had the opportunity to look to the attractive girl one second more.
No more than 1 second.
What happened during this single second? Why I needed to look a second time to this girl?
Clearly the girl was attractive from my point of view:
- She looked healthy (thin, tall…)
- She looked natural
- She had black or dark hair
- She had a very tiny top (typical for sport), I can see her shoulders, her skin
I feel I would like to be in contact with such girl, I feel I would feel good if she notice me
I feel it is typical kind of girl I would like to know, to share a romantic story (I do not feel anything about sex at this stage). I imagine to take her in my arm, touch her shoulders, kiss her skin. I imagine her skin very soft.
I need to look again, because the first look was too short, I did not catch if she notice me. Even if most probably she noticed me because she sat closed to us, and I was speaking on the phone loudly, I need to see her again because I was not able to offer a romantic image the first time. I want to see me, standing, to appreciate my beauty as well. I need to see her looking at me, exhibiting myself. My body is my personality.
Behind this behavior there is a wish to control my image. I feel not satisfy, and I have a second look, because I have been in front of an attractive girl and I have not been able to control my image.
This girl does not care about my image, and basically I did not care about a stranger I just cross the way. But this emotion is terrible. During this second I switch from my value (spend a good time with my son) to my emotion (show a seducing image to an attractive girl).
I felt guilty about my behavior directly after this incident even if I did not understand on time the emotion. I thought a little bit about that but hopefully I turned back quickly to the running activity with my son.
The next behavior would have been to stay longer to look at the girl, and maybe to propose to my son to take the same direction than her. I know in the past I probably act this way. Hopefully this time it does not happen, the point of no return has not been passed.

I am satisfyied to be able to understand how behavior can be based on emotion. Even if the power of emotion is huge (I meet daily such kind of ritual), it is really something new for me to see these as a DECISION.

For both example above, I did not take only my decision because of my abstinence commitment. For these example, I have been able to guess clearly the consequence of emotional based decision. These consequences have a higher weight than the short term benefit given by immediate gratification.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 8:22 am 
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Lesson 27 – description of 2 compulsive chain

Chain 1 : Multiple ritual simultaneously
I am expatriate, and every year I go back to my origin country with my holiday for summer vacation. I spent 1 month there, and then go back abroad to work for 1 month, my family staying a second month in vacation before to join me. During this month I am on my own, and for the last 3 years, I used this period to multiply sexual rituals. I was waiting this period and I can say I was absolutely absent the month before. Instead of enjoying the vacation with my family, I was chatting to prepare my month alone.
Last year I organized affairs with 2 different mistress during the same period.
During my vacation with family, my mind was busy to keep a strong contact, using chat or email (refer to chat ritual described in lesson 24). The stimulation comes from tha fecat to receive positive answer, which allowed me to develop all my fantasm (especially porn). During this period as I was moving for holidays, the access to internet was not guarantied every day, which generate a lot of anxiety. And I had 6 hours time difference with my mistress. This generated a lot of anxiety. We changed place everyday and masturbation was not convenient as well. I compensate with an intensive practice of running (more than 2 hours every morning).
Another anxiety and stimulaton came from the fact to have 2 relations to handle in same time. The status with every mistress was not completely the same: the most recent one offered more guaranty than the oldest one. So I decided to give the maximum of chance on the “new” one, and just keep a minimum of romantic letters (not every day) with the other one.
I have prepared clearly my return and a date with the one I choosed, and once landed (12 hours flight), after shower and masturbation I directly went to see the girl. We met in a restaurant, I spent the night with her. I remember to be very excited, but to have a very low arousal! By the way, I did not sleep that night, having very compulsive sex. I went work without any sleep.
I contacted the second girls to tell her I was came back directy after . She answer quickly by a warm “welcome back”, and so I propose to meet her for a museum visit on Sunday. She accept.
Before this date, I met the first girl another time a full Friday and Saturday dedicated to sex.
On Saturday evening the second girl called me. She was crying, she said she miss me.
I remember this was very exciting. I had the other girl very next to me, and I was speaking on the phone for more than 45 minutes with my next date.
I spent Sunday morning (with sex) with the first girl and then I went to meet the other one.
We started very romantically. She was very sad and despair about our relation. I have showed a lot of attention, offer her a visit to an interesting museum, and finish to have sex at my place. She spent the next 2 says with me. The day after I met the other girl…
It is a mad and insane race to sex I had during this time. But at this rhythm, sex was not longer the unique motivation (habituation), I was really stimulated by my power (ability to manipulate), my identity (ability to seduce very different person). And during this period I met others girls (without sex) and had a relation with a prostitute. I have been drunk several time, even in the presence of my mistress.

Chain 2 : the daily chain
For my second chain, I will list all rituals I was used to have in my "peak period"

Wake up before 6, without any alarm, with a feeling on impatience.
I took my IPhone
Check immediately messages received from my mistress during the night.
Go to toilet, and start masturbation, using porn images.
Once orgasm is reached, wear my sport clothes, and go for running.
Start my performance tracker, depending the time I have decide to do a performance session (30-40 min) or distance session (approx 1h).
Once run finished, check the performance tracker.
Once at home, prepare breakfast for family (between 7 and 7:15) Say good morning to my wife, no hug.
Wait for my kids to wake, if not waked up before 7:30 I am in hurry to isolate to toilet again, to send chat message.
Once in the bathroom, I look to my body in the mirror, my abs, my penis.
If possible (time) I start masturbation and I finish under the shower.
Once orgasm is reached I finished quickly you shower, get dress.
It is nearly 8, I urge everybody to get ready. I accompany my kids to school. This gives me a responsibility image. But I see my impatience. It is like a burden, and I generate stress on my family.
My kids goes with bike, I walked behind. Usually i check again my chat during this run.
Once kids are at school, I wish a good day to my wife (no hugs, no kiss) and I enter quickly in the company car.
During the trip to work (40 minutes), I usually write a long letter to my mistress.
The letter are here to developp the next date.
9:00, I arrive at work.

There is several compulsive elements in my day to day
1- the fact to wake up with this impatience, very early, without alarm, even if I went bed late (I am glad now to have restore good sleep)
2- the first thing when I woke up is to check message, and the emotion to see that I get new messages/answers.
3- masturbation was a must every morning. A way to remove stress.
4- but by the way, the stress I generate for every burden. Everything related to family gave me negative emotion. It was a burden, and by the way I put a lot of stress on my family members. It was my way to answer to everything that provide me negative emotion (kids did wake up o. Time means I lost time for masturbation, kids take time to dress means I lost time for chat during transport). I react the same way at work. Agressivity against negative emotion.
5. My practice of sport was really compulsive. I practiced sport to feed my performance tracker, as a clue of my performance. It brings me a feeling of achievement. I delete this application and now I run without.
6. The daily chat/message was a must to bring me confidence in the morning. I wrote more than 1500 letters within 2 years to my main mistress. This enable me to build a virtual identity, giving balance to all negative emotion generated by my addiction. With this chat system I was able to introduce me as a good father, a good worker, someone with multiple pillars!!!

I know I do not make exactly the exercise, I did not describe exactly all these rituals, it is summarized. But I understand that all these elements belong to the same chain now. A chain built originally from my masturbation ritual and my seduction ritual.

Today, practically, this vision is useful to not replace my sexual acting out by other compulsive activities (work, sport).

Lesson 28
I will develop of the last chain related to masturbation I had, 2 month ago
1. During a business trip, After a business diner, with a lot of alchohol, one of our colleague propose to go to a nice bar.
2. The guy is Japanese, and invited us in his favorite hostess bar. Very Japanese concept. There’re plenty of young girl, more or less sexy, that accompany you: she talk to you, pour your glass, sing a song on KTV, laugh to your joke. Apparently it is not possible to have sex.
3. My colleague choose for me a very attractive girl.
4. She had long brown hair, she is thin and tall, had a sexy mini skirt, a very friendly and sexy smile.
5. I felt very excited by this girl.
6. She did not speak a good English and had problem to understand even my name,
7. With a pen, a write my name on her leg. Every body laught, it is my way to show a strong identity (the crazy guy!)
8. I felt more excited by the contact to her skin when I wrote on her leg
9. She gave me her chat address
10. I accept her invitation for chat
11. The rest of the “party” continue: I am drunk, I exhibit myself by singing and dancing
12. I turned back to my hotel, I am very excited, I want to masturbate and think about her
13. I remember I masturbate twice by fantasing about how much it could be good to have sex with this girl
14. For the first time, I felt guilt and shame about that
15. I delete the chat account (but partially)
16. The day after, early morning I receive a message from her, telling it was a very nice party, wish to see me again
17. The fantasy machine restart, even during the day at work
18. I felt very bad. I recheck to delete this account. I do not want to answer, I do not want to have temptation
19. I even discuss to colleague and I said how much it was ridiculous this chat!
20. The night after, we turned back, a little less drunk to this bar. This hostess was serving at the bar, so not possible to talk to her again
21. I stayed 1 hour in the bar, but I never missed an opportunity to look at her leg
22. And I masturbate again when I turned back to my room
23. I felt very guilty.
24. I started the recovery program the day after and I decided to not go anymore in this area (yes I started initially because I felt guilty of my behavior, despite the fact I stopped many of sex compulsive ritual)

Considering the previous chain, I could have go a third time (I spent 3 night in this place). The third night I decided to start the recovery program. But during this 3rd night I would have like to talk to her, to touch her a little bit (at east feel her skin), to develop a chat messaging with her. The bar is in a city I will visit often in the next month for business purpose. So I could have develop and addiction to this bar, to the girls (like my Japanese colleague who spend probably every night there).


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2016 9:11 am 
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Lesson 29,

Before to write my excercise I would like to share 2 things.

First, this lesson reminds a lot what have learnt from reading Eckhart Tolle, “Power of Now”. I discover this book when I started to work on my addiction. The experience of relaxation in very well described. And I used the method suggested by the lesson a long time ago, to listen the voice of my ego, and try to return to present. It brings me calm and reduce my anxiety, but I was still struggling about power sexual thought. Basically even if I was able to hear my ego, I was identifying as someone else. Over the last month, even if I succeed my abstinence, I struggled a lot against the thought. It was my main concern on daily monitoring.
But recently, in the last 4 days, something has changed. The previous lessons about compulsive elements gave me a new light about these thought : I was following the emotion that I was generating. I was taking decision, not my “ego”. The methods to go back to present described in “Power of now” are very useful, but they did not enable me to understand that emotions were behind that. So for the last 4 days, I have more and more control of these emotions. I am still triggered but I understand that I have a choice. I hope I understand something essential.

Second, by the way, it becomes not so easy for me to let my mental go as he wants. By relaxing, breathing with the nose, I can isolate more easily my thought, my mental. I fell present, I can listen my thought. Because I understand emotion stimulation behind that, I can understand the way the emotion wants me to take, and by the way decide!

Anyway, I succeed to be triggered during the relaxation, but I did not succeed to want masturbation.

I started to lay on the ground, I closed my eyes, closed my mouth, breath by nose only.

Usually I directly focus on my body. To feel my body. I feel the breath, my heart, my fingers, by back in contact with the ground. It is real, it exists.

This time, I try to think. I started by the last thing I was doing (preparing a journey for my family), then to other thing about the day to day. I felt no anxiety about these thought, just note to myself what I have to do.

The presence of my body was intense, so no big place for mental. I forced myself to think about sex.

Suddenly I remember a trigger of this morning. When I took my shower (location very good for masturbation!) I remembered that I had sex many time last year with my mistress there. In a very porn way. The trigger was about one part of the shower she used to put her foot to let me come in her. This morning it was a very powerful trigger, the thought invaded me. But I think immediately about the ritual, the stimulation, and the consequence of the next action : stimulate my penis to get aroused and then masturbate. I did not move forward this morning, I have been able to stop the process and the thought stopped.

I tried to regenerate this situation during relaxation, but I was not able to move forward. I have seen the anxiety that could be generated by the situation, and maybe the value I would betrayed and I succeed to stop that fantasy.

I nearly fall asleep during this relaxation. I have been waked up by the phone. I can say I was not anxious at all! I relax exactly 15 minutes.

Speaking about anxiety reminds me how much I was anxious during my addiction activity. Anxious the morning to check my message, anxious to masturbate at least once, anxious to run more and more, anxious to get an internet connexion, anxious each time I have to assume burden. The answer to anxiosity was more and more compulsive element to balance with positive stimulation, into a big chain.

The last big anxiosity state:
It was on the night of july 25 to july 26th 2016 (I put a big mark on my daily monitoring!). I remember I had just worked on lesson 21 (recovery goal), and started the lesson 22 (measuring compulsive behavior – very very complex in first approach). I felt so despair to have everyday so powerful thought, I feel so hard to keep my abstinence commitment. For the context, we had 15 days travelling with my wife and kids, and we had not a lot of intimacy with my wife during this period. Every day I was triggered so strongly and I really thought it is my nature.
I spent an awful night, It took me 2 hours to fall asleep.
I had very clear sexual fantasy based on previous affair. I was strongly aroused. And I can not stop that thought, that continue to roll out, even to imagine how to take back contact with these old mistress. I was next to my wife in the bed. She rejected me before to fall asleep because she felt I was very “sexual”. More the thought came, more aroused I was, with a strong desire for a quick masturbation. But in parallel I felt so guilty to fail my commitment. I was trying to relax, the same way as it is described in the lesson. I was despair to not find the key of my thought, to not understand why I did not control. I succeed to fall asleep without masturbation.
In the morning I was aggressive, I looked tired. My wife instead of reject me, surrounded me in her arm.
And I cried in her arms.
And I felt better, and I have been present to my family, and we had a good day.
The next coming days, we restore more intimacy, and I gave more time to work on lesson. Something happen after lesson 26 (Mapping compulsive ritual). I have been able to understand what I fought that night (I explained the ritual that drive me to that night state in lesson 26).


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2016 1:43 am 
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LESSON 31

Major source of stress


I do not consider that I have anymore “extreme” source of stress.

SEVERE
The Abstinence and the fear of relapse is a severe stressor of my life during last week:
 I am on my own during 3 weeks, during the same period last 2 years I had many affairs
 I am afraid of loneliness during this period
 I am afraid to relapse (masturbation, porn, prostitution..)
 I am afraid to compensate my void by other compulsives rituals (work, sport)

Be able to stay in touch with my wife, with my family, despite the wife we won’t see each other for 3 weeks
 The communication means will be limited
 I am afraid to not show empathy with distance and phone contact

MODERATE
Succeed my new mission at work

 My awareness make me stress about my potential behaviors, avoid manipulation or minimize the reality

Make sure my wife wants to come back with me after holiday period, that she found personal motivation
 Respect my commitment and be faithful during the period
 I want to be a pillar for her to restore motivation

MILD
Build and implement a life project for after the end of my mission abroad (10 month)
 A huge work, personal, to share with my wife. I never made, I never show ability to do this

My primary values as defined 1 month and half ago

To be reliable
 I can say the stress are completely related to this main primary value: DO WHAT I SAY, SAY WHAT I DO. The change that occurs in the last weeks, is the fact that I want to be reliable for me first. As said in the lesson, the person I must honest with is me. Reliability bring me a lot of positive emotion (achievement feeling, restore my “work” aptitude)
 This value come to my mind each time I am triggered, each time a ritual may start. I see the consequence about the non respect of my value
 This value is very efficient at the moment to control smoothly my stress. I get a lot of stimulation each time a ritual start
 After 5 days alone, based on this value, I am able to stop, without any crisis, very quickly
 The fact to not be reliable generates automatically an important stress that enable me to avoid compulsive ritual

To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness

 It is a pillar to build, a way to socialize to reinvent. A part of my stress about “abstinence” is related to this. I work on it
 I have a lack of practical experience to socialize
 At beginning of the week I contact people I wanted to meet to socialize
 I have simple social plan this week end: I will run with one of my colleague, I will have a diner with another one
 I would not say I put a lot of energy, or take risk on it. It will take more time
 But I consider this value as a pillar I want to build
 At this stage it is still a secondary value, or something in construction

To be a good listener (to give attention)
 I should extend this value: give attention, show my empathy
 I have empathy actually, really. But I do not show it
 I put a lot of energy on this value currently to maintain a connection to my wife
 We have a long phone call every day, not just because it is mandatory, but because we like to be in connection each other
 I wrote her a letter every day
In my new mission at work I faced a lot of emotional situation. I could not say I manage it well, but I am lucid.
 This value is important for me

To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability
 My self confidence increased a lot recently
 I do not generate major stress with this issue
 I suffer less about the image I may have. My others values like reliability gave me self confidence
 So by consequence This value does not drive me too much
 It generates a little stress when I consider long term professional development

To be a good father
 This value helps me a lot when I handle the 3 stress factors: maintining abstinence, maintain connection with my wife, restore my wife personal achievement
 With the distance during this 3 weeks I can be as much involved I would like to be, but I have daily contact with them

To say to my chidren I love them
 I just made it again by phone 20 minutes ago
 I think I can group with previous value

To improve intimacy to my parents,
 “under construction” I would say, I am in contact every week with them at least
 I learnt my grand mother has a cancer. I am worried about that, I did not know when I saw her for the last time.
 The future relation with my parent is not easy to guess for me, and emotional communication is still difficult
 I found my parent avoid negative emotion, like I did
 I have them in my mind, I want to care about them

Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me, share about this,
 Actually this is not a value, but a part of the recovery
 Recovery program helps me to practically work on that
 It is less and less energy and more and more automatic
 I will change this value by : always express when stress happens (which is highly related to reliability for me)

To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her she is beautiful, give her attention
 This is related to value “to give attention”
 I said her that I wanted to spend my life with her
 She is very important, very special for me
 This value is very important for me

Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
 I connect my best friend recently, we had a very good time in family. We are in contact now
 This is an important concern, but at this stage still something “under construction”, not a pillar strong enough

To help my wife in her recovery process
 This is a major source of stress factor
 I feel a duty against her. Whatever will be our decision for common life, I feel guilt about the trauma she suffered
 She has a work to do on her own, but I want to support her
 It is more important than anything

To keep healthy
 Sport (running) was a compulsive activity
 I suffer from narcissism too (I like to see my body in the mirror, check I did not get to much visible weight)
 It is still under construction value, I try to be healthy because I want a good heath, not because I want to have a nice body (which mean potentially to seduce)
 As I do not want to restore compulsive ritual, I give value to every physical activity as sign of good health
 I can not judge yet the consistency of this value. Too early.

Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for me:
 It was a commitment related to abstinence
 This week I was able to avoid such situation not by referring to this value, but to the others one
 Too early to remove, but big satisfaction to not be driven by abstinence

To work daily on my recovery process
 I start to consider that maybe it will be a temporary value
 But before that, I want to continue to understand myself
 This is a very important value for me at the moment, and I consider I give a lot of energy to this

In the last 10 days I feel I start to get most of my stimulation from my value. Yes I see this pattern coming in my life. I am prudent, it is something absolutely new for me. And yes stress factor are more related to the respect of these values. I would like now to build the pillar of my life. Transform value in a pillar, a pillar on which I can develop and share a vision. To know myself, and to let the others know who I am.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 8:16 pm 
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Compulsive chain : party

I slipped this week end. Maybe not a relapse, but something I consider as a serious slip. This makes me feel very bad, guilt. I worked to describe the chain in order to improve my prevention. I will turn back to lesson 32 after.

Context :
I am alone at home. My boss too, he proposed me to have dinner together on Saturday evening. I accept, I trust that with him, I think there is no risk to face a relapse situation.

1. During the Saturday afternoon I propose him a restaurant (typical Japanese restaurant I go with my wife) and suggest we can go and see a concert in a pub after (a simple place I like, with good concert. The opportunity to meet girl in this place exist but is not guaranty at all. I want to show him this place, I think it can match his value). Basically this actions provide me positive emotion, because I am pro-active: I think about relapse, and in parallel
2. I called my wife telling her about this program. I told her the day before I will go to dinner with my boss. I commit to call her in the evening. I insist that we must talk anyway, I want her to not be afraid. She trust me.
3. We met at the restaurant. We eat quickly, but we stay a long time (3 hours). We drink a bottle of wine and discuss, general topic, but as well topic related to intimacy and family. The connection is good.
4. We move to the pub, the concert already start. It is a rock’n roll concert, excellent. There is a lot of people. At this stage I think something change in my mind. I feel we are here to have party.
5. I ordered drink, noticed girls, but I do not fix too much on her.
6. I found a table very very close to the stage. We listen the music, dance a bit (so much people that it is difficult to move), continue to chat
7. The first set end few minutes after our arrival. It is replaced by music. We continue to chat, we finish our first drink.
8. A guy, a French who recognize our accent, come to join us.
9. We start to introduce our self. The guy very quickly speak about the fact he has a lot of affair. Like us he is married, Like me her wife is not here during the summer, and like me last year he multiply the affairs during this period
10. I am under shock about this guy. He speaks very frankly about that despite the fact we just know him for 5 minutes. I understand this guy main thought is sex. He is a sex addict . I was like him last year
11. Something strange happen, I start to speak about that to my friend. I start to say “I was the same”. But I understand now, that behind the shame, there was a something saying “me too I do it, and develop many affairs”. So I spoke for the first time to a real person about my addiction (very lightly)
12. My friend confess to me past inappropriate behavior. I think this confession, generated a light on me like “it is a man world here!”.
13. The band started the second set. I was very closed from the singer. I love rock roll singer style. The dance is sexy. I know it is kind of image I was used to develop (look Iggy Pop concert to understand). I think this stimulate me as well.
14. We decide to order a bottle, instead of ordering glass per glass.
15. During second set, a group of 2 girls came next to the stage. They put her glasses on the table. They looked at me. I clearly understand why they come so closed.
16. I ignored the girls. I think hopefully I did not find them attractive. The other French guy, the “addict”, start to chat with her.
17. I am drunk more and more, I am stimulated by the music and the singer, the feeling to be seen, or object of attention increase.
18. One of the girls told me “you are very handsome”! typical Chinese. I ignore her, but the stimulation started previously increased, because now I have the assurance that there is attention on me. Only this girl most probably, but it is enough to consider that every girls looked at me
19. I do not feel comfortable. I continue to chat with my friend, but we start to spend most of time drinking and dancing
20. I start to exhibit myself. I go on stage, few second to dance.
21. Despite the lack of space, I dance more and more widely. I shout. I think I want to be seen. I want to take the attention.
22. I am in touch with my wife (phone call). I take my time to discuss with her. I tell her that I consumed alcohol, where I am. I think I am still very lucid
23. The party will continue like that for 3 hours : I dance, drink, after concert, there is music, I am on the stage, I invite people to dance, women, men (I even had a very closed dance with a gay)
24. I feel a big stimulation to have attention, to catch mark of attention
25. I decided to go home, when pub started to be empty. I had the feeling there were no more attention to catch.
26. I say good bye to my friend who chat with a girl (finally he is maybe not so reliable)
27. I go bed
28. I woke up this morning with hungover
29. I did not have affair, I did not take any contact, I did not masturbate, but I feel terribly bad and guilt. This situation could have finish terribly I am afraid. I think I was just before the “non return point”. But I really consider I have been too far
30. I decide to write to my wife about my behavior last night. How a good social event, that I organized with sincerity in a pro-active way, can generate so much insatisfaction in me? I have been driven by emotion at one stage. It provided me big stimulation when happen but terrible guilt now.
31. I turn back to my plan, and I work to lesson 32. I am not satisfied about actions I could do to prevent such and I have the idea to describe the chain
32. I feel better, I found new compulsive element related to my image, I can now think about a pro-active actions plan, focused on my social alcoholism

Starting point : honestly, I can consider the ritual starts when we enter into the pub (4), when the girls come closed to us (15)
Non return point : I think I should have left at the end of the concert, whatever our drink were finished or not. (23)
End point : 28, wake up with hungover and chain

My behavior that night hurts deeply my value : reliability, self esteem, support to my wife.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:17 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 32
I spent a lot of time this week end to review the actions plan I had prepared nearly two month ago.
I put below the revised one. I did not change the value, I kept most of action but I reformulate sometime to be more practical.
More practical especially in relapse prevention. I must confess I really identify the pattern described in the lesson for most of my temptation. I felt very confortable to start ritual around fantasy, masturbation. But as I indicated on previous post I consider I failed last saturday when I started, without strong awareness, my ritual related to social alcoholism and party. I develop some actions to prevent this behavior and increase awareness.
I fully agree about the vision of the victim. I must be honnest that the feeling of guilty took time to come for me. It is really present now, especially the wish to repair what I have destroyed on my wife values.
I am glad that most of actions initially planned have been practically implemented and honnestly contribute to the development

Second Proactive actions plan
To be reliable
To share weekly about my planning with my wife
To have always with me a diary, paper one
To organize at least one social event per month for the family
To establish my planning considering important questions
Take in to account of home/family burden, and help my wife
Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home
Communicate about my planning to my children too
Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure
Review with my wife once a week my diary (on a weekly horizon), update long term event
Build a road map with my wife, with clear objectives
Share about the time balance of activities with my family
Formalize my pillar, my vision.
To organize a better way my work, Start a job, finish a job
Use the a common diary for both professional and others activities
To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say :
- Write any idea, project, wish into the diary
- Plan the actions ASAP
- Review once a week this list
Accept if my wife is not satisfied by my lack of reliability
To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness
Contact once a week at least 4 people I consider as functional friend
Ask for news regulalrly to my friends
Organize at least 2 social event, without alchool per month

To be a good listener (to give attention)
Organize daily talk with my wife, in peace and confort
Enlarge my empathy ability, practice more, make it an objective of my “professional skill review”
Describe when trouble come when I handle a communication – professional experience is a good field
Build with my wife a 12 month road map, with clear objectives

To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability, To increase my self esteem
When someone express an emotion to me (negative or positive), identify the stimulation, does not behave immediately
Continue the work to improve my awareness about my “seduction” ritual
BE REALISTIC, STAY SOBER
Avoid alcohol in stuation where emotion is important
Anticipate the risk about emotion, especially during social event
Be aware about my lack of confidence and by the way to my immaturity to emotion.
Remember what happen Saturday August 13th 2016 and the day after, how much I felt bad and guilt. Remember it each time I feel we look at me or we say something good to me. Remember each time I start to consume alcohol
When I start a behavior, always told to my self is it really what I planned to do?
To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, think about my value
Improve my self esteem : Be reliable, to not seduce, to be myself.
To be a good father
Continue to promote the game and intellectual/creative activity with them
To be able to explain things to my kids, to be a good and responsible father
To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, questions and explanations could come in peace
To get used to ask to my children only open question
To say to my chidren I love them
To improve intimacy with my parents,
Write or call them once a week
[size=150]Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me, share about this, Improve my self esteem[/size]
When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry.
Tell my fear whatever the situation (family, professional…)
Write my fears using recovery nation portal
Be absolutely honest, with myself, with my wife
To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her she is beautiful, give her attention
Organize a time for discuss, do not let her only to start/organize the discuss
Stop to speak only about myself, my recovery, to be ego centric
Propose project to develop our relation

Define a road map for the next 12 month
Start to work on partner recovery
Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
Maintain contact with my best friend
To help my wife in her recovery process
To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.
To improve my listening
To be a good husband when crisis are here
To support her to restore self esteem
To be absolutely honest

To keep healthy
Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning
Do not practice sport to isolate, to escape, but as rebuilding activity
Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport)
Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running (I scrapped the app 2 month ago!)
To stop smoking: no cigarret since july 2nd 2016. Prevent relapse, it is the same mechanics as for sex.

Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for me:
Be in contact with sexy content (internet, video, movie) when I am alone
Remember the shame about masturbation, and remember the path already made when temptation came
Identify element when fantasy occurs
Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people
Continue my awareness about sex fantasing during party
Improve my awareness about the stimulation provided by my social alcoholism, my need to be seen, to catch attention and by the way to seduce.
Remember what happen Saturday August 13th 2016 and the day after, how much I felt bad and guilt. Remember it each time I feel we look at me or we say something good to me. Remember each time I start to consume alcohol
During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa
Continue daily monitoring about my fantasy and potential act out till recovery
If happen, describe every slip or relapse using the element/ritual/chain model, identify the emotion/stimulation and define preventive actions plan.
To work daily on my recovery process
To check every day my thread
To work every day on my lesson
To achieve 2 lessons per week at least
To write and to work with sincerity


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 7:49 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Relapse

I relapsed. I relapsed because I decided it.

This morning I feel guilt, shame. And I have doubt, about what to do next, about who I am.

Here what happen last night:

1. I am on a business trip in a partner company
2. The boss invited me and my colleague for a diner
3. We had a good day at work. I succeed to reach all my objectives.
4. During diner, people continue to socialize
5. The language is mainly Chinese and Japanese. I can not speak too much and I do not understand. I feel a little isolate.
6. I use the opportunity of discuss about sex, to go back in front scene
7. We drink a lot, have many toast.
8. The boss tell me he booked the hostess bar next door after diner. I continue my joke about sex.
9. We move to the bar. I start to be drunk.
10. I become “party man”. The girls are not especially attractives but I play the game
11. The pattern is exactly like the party 3 days ago.
12. I start to feel excited. I think to myself that I could maybe have sex with one on these girls
13. We stop the party, the boss of company goes back home with one girl. I want to do the same
14. I decide I want to have sex. 2 obstacles: I am with one colleague I do nt want him to know that, and I have no cash
15. I turn back hotel with my colleague. We said each other “good night”, but I leave the room immediately
16. I look for a ATM. I decided to return to the bar.
17. On the road to seek for ATM I see massage and spa saloon. No doubt about the service they propose.
18. I think to myself about the “best” way to get orgasm
19. I take money from ATM and turn back. When I walk I hesitate between option.
20. I pass in front the massage saloon I have seen previously. I see a sexy girl in front. I decide to go in.
21. They only speak Chinese, but we understand each other about what I want. I want to be masturbate.
22. A woman drive me to a room. There is several room, I guess massage lady waiting inside.
23. I arrive in the room, she gave me “suit” and ask me to wait
24. I start to dress off, the grils arrived. I feel excited to dress off in front of her, to be naked.
25. I put the suit, I lay on matress, she start her job on my back with her foot
26. I feel excited, I know because of alcohol I won’t have big arousal, I know I will come very quickly because of abstinence. I decide to manage intensity to increase duration
27. She remove her bra, I fell excited by the contact. I ask her if I can touch.
28. I decide to dress off completely. I want her to see me naked. It increase intensity.
29. She ask me to turn. I feel excited that she see my penis. When she start to touch my penis, I ask her to go slow.
30. I ask her if she can dress off. She understand I want more. She proposed me oral sex and tell me the price. I accept.
31. I dress her off by myself. I want to see, I want to touch. I understand I will increase intensity if I develop more intimacy.
32. I tell her to go slow each time she touch too long my penis. I touch her a lot, everywhere. I do massage to her.
33. Once I consider I reach enough emotion, I lay on my back and she starts oral sex
34. I know I will come quick, in her mouth.
35. I ejaculate in a very short time. I do not feel special emotion with orgasm.
36. I dress very quickly. I know I have shame.
37. I pay and say good bye, I corss the sexy girl of the entrance and tell to myself I would have prefer her,
38. I go back to the hotel
39. I feel really dirty. I feel dirty to had oral sex, to have ejaculate in her mouth.
40. I took a shower, go to sleep. I fall asleep immediately.
41. I woke at 5:30. Feeling very bad. But I am aroused
42. I decide to masturbate. I feel guilty, and I know what I am doing is bad.
43. Few image and fantasy of last night come back
44. I ejaculate on myself, I want to feel dirty. I want to feel the contact with my shame
45. I smoke 2 cigarett. I relapse on that as well
46. I feel really bad. I know clearly disrespect all my commitment. I know that I completely decided to do what I have done. I was fully aware of non return point at every stage of the chain. AT EVERY POINT! And I decide that the immediate gratification will be better than the guilt. My emotion were stronger.
47. I masturbate again before my shower. I even try to go and see porn, but I can not because of internet.
48. I masturbate and fell shame in same time.
49. I have my orgasm. I look at my sperm. I want to see.
50. I take my shower, go to breakfast.
51. I think a lot, I see the emotion, I do not understand the conflict, why I have decided to generate this conflict.
52. I start to write this post.

This morning I have many questions on myself. I fell guilt and shame. I know I try to create a story to make it consistent. I know I won’t be able. I think about all my values, I think about my wife. If I tell her she will leave most probably. If I do not tell her I will live with this lie.

It was exactly 10 month I did not have sex with another person. In few hours I destroyed 10 month work, so much effort.

I do not trust myself for the moment. I want to take time and decide. I try to return to my plan for the rest of the day. I would like to speak to a friend.

I feel excitation when I write my chain. It is absolutely UNHEALTHY. Who am I?

Factually what did I do?
 I had oral sex (without protection) with a prostitute
 I smoked cigarette
 I drunk
 I masturbated twice
 I try to look porn

What value did I break:
I have been unfaithful to my wife
I did not respect commitments
I did not respect myself

I have no boundaries. I ruined all my efforts. Last night I decided to deny who I am, I decided to re-become the addicted. It was like I intend to challenge my emotions. I am stupid. I was fully aware of what I have made at every stage of the process. I was fully aware I could stop. And I did not do. I thought I was smart, able to challenge the emotion, I manipulate my recovery process to find immediate gratification. But this morning, I clearly see my immaturity, I want to deny the pain. I do no want to assume what I did. I feel I want to escape (by masturbation, cigarett) this crisis. That is where I am now.

I want to think about that. Who am I? Who I want to be?


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2016 10:56 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 33 – Day1, 2, 3

First I want to come back to previous post and my significant relapse of last night.

I have decided to turn back to recovery process. My values, my guilt and shame did not balance the urge for sex I had that night. I am amazed and terrified by the intensity of the multiple compulsive rituals I developed during these hours. I have no emotional maturity.

Now what? I have worked a lot, I have changed. Not enough, but I do not want that life. I feel a lot of guilt and shame, it means that I have a value system, weak but present. I did not have such feeling 10 month ago at the peak period of my addiction. Value are present. I need to learn how to handle my emotion.

I decide to handle the consequence of my actions and to continue recovery.

Here below is a first summary of emotion found, during these last 3 days. Write it down is useful to understand my relapse. I took back the note taken for the last 3 days and add some comment considering my current situation.

Day 1:
1. It is a working day, but I spent most of my time to work for personal stuff: recovery and my skill review. Both are long term actions, but the fact to be at work and not actively do what I am paid for (I am not too much busy) these days should make me feel guilty. I feel a little guilt, but I continue. I think working on personal development bring me more stimulation, more gratification. I believe I have unhealthy decision making process. I do not work on what is planned.
2. A girl in the queue at airport. She search something in her wallet. She wear a short dress. I just see from behind but I imagine if I would be in front, I could see her pants. My look is attracted, but no ritual come. I have the feeling to master the intensity of my emotion (fantasy) and to stop it. It is powerful.
NOTE : I see that remark 2 days later after relapse. I clearly see that from that point I manipulate my recovery to get immediate gratification: “I look women but I can stop at anytime”! I would not imagine such kind of thing will happen. I really did not understand anything about what maturity mean. I am still addict under recovery. That is the only meaning of this attitude
3. I rethink about my slip of last week end, when I seriously think I would lost my family. When I told my wife, and no regret, I only think about myself, the fact that I would disapoint her. I was really egocentric. I did not think about her emotion, I did not anticipate her emotion. I have no empathy. I was sincere, but I have a lack of empathy. And by the way, as she did not have the reaction I expected, I had very negative emotion, it increase my guilt and shame.
4. The security guy at airport ask me to remove my shoes while passing fence. It is not the case for everybody, and I feel like a personal aggression. I asked the guy “why”, I do it anyway and breath loudly to show my exasperation. Immediately after I found myself very stupid. The guy is doing his job, and he has probably nothing against myself (anyway I won’t know). Show my exasperation is useless and unpolite.
5. The same kind of situation in the plane, while hostess asked me to not use my phone despite it is in Aircraft mode. Each company has its policy, I won’t change it, and the hostess does her job. I show again exasperation, the same way as previously. It is little incident, but the behavior are driven by emotion. Someone, something, change my plan, it create an immediate insatisfaction.
6. Still in the plane, my colleague speak with the 2 women next to him. I can not see her, but this generate fantasy, a kind of jealousy. I would like to be instead of him. I am looking for immediate gratification from people I did not know or notice before. I am aware about my emotion. I look at it and control it
Looking backward to this Day 1 (after relapse), I see myself still very emotionally immature (the emotion and sometime the behaviors are clearly immature) but I feel confident because I am aware. I think it is a big mistake. It is the sign that I manipulate my new skill.

Day 2 :
1. I woke up. I do not feel good. I did sleep very well, I can not catch the reason why, I can not read my emotion
2. I am in hotel room, it is very early but no way to sleep again. I look by window the street, the building in front. I remove my pant. I fell very excited. I do not touch myself, but I fell my arousal. I stay like that 1 minute, I look myself in the mirror. Then I stop myself
3. A girls in the street, I look at her confortably. I stop immediately my emotion.
4. The night : refer to relapse described in previous
Looking backward the note of the day 2: the control of the emotion was more and more mental, less and less based on value. I can obtain immediate gratification and be compliant with my recovery (I thought). It is a dangerous game and manipulation, I did not understand at the time what I was doing. I see many less effort this day (I worked a lot but it is not an excuse), I have identified only 3 emotions, and only in shrt period in the morning. I am aware, only when I decide to be.

Day 3
1. Refer to previous post about this morning emotion after relapse
2. My thought are completely focus on my relapse problem. I know I search for immediate gratification (how to reduce my stress immediately) and I am not able to think long term.

I think I start to understand the mechanism of my relapse and how I manipulate my recovery.
1. Around 1 month ago, I was full of fear because of my thought, how my thought were stimulated my emotion
2. Until now I had respect a strict abstinence, I worked hard on recovery. Step by step I understood how I generate my emotion
3. I stopped to struggle, and I feel good because I did not act out (in reason of abstinence)
4. I feel even better because of my emotion awareness I develop during the last lessons
5. Recent slip make me turn back to very high intensity immediate emotion
6. I forget, I ignore what was the most important : THE GUILT COME FROM WHAT I DID, NOT FROM WHAT I THINK
Because of abstinence, I forget completely that compulsive behaviors are the problem. Mastering emotion is a mean to achieve it.
I thought everything was OK because I start to be aware about my emotion. And this enable me to manipulate my recovery.

I MUST REMEMBER THE BEHAVIORS THAT DRIVE ME TO THE GUILT, THE SHAME. BEHAVIORS GENERATE EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS DRIVE BEHAVIORS.

I am going to reconsider my actions plan considering this observation, list all the behaviors that have a negative impact on my self esteem. List the compulsive behaviors I do not want to have again. Maybe I did not push far enough my ritual and chain analyzis (or maybe simplify it). This a list of actual behavior that will generate an important shame.
To have an affair
To have sexual relation with prostitute
To go to hostess bar
To go to suspicious KTV
To go to suspicious massage
to chat with a girl secretely
to masturbate
to smoke
to be drunk
to exhibit myself during a party, during a social event
to look porn movie
To be proud of my past sexual life, to make allusion to make past sexual life to people I do not know
To use recovery for my image
To accept greeting from unknown girls
To be angry
To be aggressive
To miss respect to someone
To be impatient


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:21 pm 
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Posts: 134
Lesson 33 day 4

Today I focused on all emotions related to sexual triggers (arousal in the morning, fantasy during emptiness moment, sexy assistant at work, woman smiling at me, woman greeting to me) and as soon as I catch the stimulation, I remind myself the guilt related to my last relapse.

The situation I faced where really easy one, but instead of focusing my effort on analyzing my emotion, I call another emotion, guilt, to stop the ritual.

I consider I am immature, and this way to do is not healthy (to counter an emotion by another) but I can not rely only on my value.

But I am not fully satisfied by this way. I do not want to be addict to guilt feeling. I can be tempted to generate more guilt by acting out.

I want this guilt emotion to transform in a sincere recovery.

I would like to focus on a ritual I had during the evening.

Yesterday we had a visitor at our factory plant from HQ. We decided to have diner with him and my boss during the evening.

This person already came one year and half ago. At that time, I had a party with him. We were drunk, visited many bars, met girls (no sex).

Here below is the description of what happen during the diner this evening.

1. On the way to the restaurant, the discuss is really about professional stuff.
2. The guy start to speak about all his recent trip to others factory. He starts to talk about the party he had in this different place. I start to feel trouble to have the discuss moving on that topic.
3. The guy reminds me how good and intense was the party we had in Guangzhou. My trouble increase. I agree and I confess that there is nothing to be proud. I feel I have an emotional conflict.
4. I turn back the discuss to professional topic. My boss join us. We decide to have a drink before to go to restaurant.
5. We order a bottle of wine. The talk is only professional. I feel confortable to discuss, to launch and develop topics.
6. After finishing our drink we move to the restaurant. We order food and drink.
7. My boss is bother about the professional topic (especially about me who insist on a management issue) and he decide to turn the discuss about more general topic.
8. The visitor start to make a remark about Chinese girls, the fact that they show their legs.
9. The discuss turn more and more to the girls topic. I feel uneasy to talk. The emotional conflict come again.
10. The 2 others guy start to talk about their past experience. The conflict is at the maximum.
11. The conflict inside me is important.
At this stage, let’s describe that conflict:
 This talk remind me a lot of memory. When guys speak about their sex experience is only to speak about the pleasure they get. I can not deny the pleasure I get.
 But in parallel, I can not deny the guilt I have about these behaviors, and how I hurt my relatives with all these behaviors (party, affairs, prostitute…)
 The conflict is the following:
o Immediate gratification, I want to be part of the talk, I want to keep the good atmosphere of the talk, I want to be recognize as part of the group with these 2 guys. But this behavior is in total conflict with my value
o On the other hand I would like to be very clear about the guilt feeling I have. But I have fear to be rejected by the group. Excatly when I was 11/12 and systematically bulled at school by “cool” guys!. I know be part of the talk is in complete contradiction with my value, it is a deny of respect to my wife, to myself too
12. I start the talk. I want to express that there is nothing to be proud about that. But I hear me minimizing, I present the my thought and my past experience as mistake. I minimize
13. Finally I choose to behave according my emotion: be part of the group by showing I think like them!
14. The conflict is more and more intense. I remind the guilt feeling as I made all day along.
15. I have a huge temptation to continue the diner with a party, to smoke a cigarett. I fantasize about going to a bar, about having a cigaret, about getting drunk. I struggle. I oppose my guilt emotion that I wuld generate by such behavior. It is really tough.
16. I propose to pay restaurant and to go back home.
17. I succeed to turn the discuss around professional topic.
18. I pay, and I organize a taxi to turn back home
19. In the taxi, I only talk about professional topic.
20. I contact my wife when I arrive home. I can not reach her.
21. I go bed with a book. My wife informed me she is reachable.
22. I am able to discuss with her. I do not speak about my conflict, just about our day, our life.
23. I fall asleep.
24. This morning, I woke up. The conflict has reduced, I am satisfied about having stop the ritual, but I feel shame about my emotional immaturity. I was really near to slip or relapse again.

I am emotionally immature. My socializing behavior is not good. My value are not strong enough to introduce an identity from which I can be proud in front of other males. I have no boundaries.

I am really afraid about the rejection from a group. When I am in a group, I want to be part of it and I want to be recognized by the group. It is exactly the same mechanism with a girl that show me attention, I want to seduce her. The immediate gratification given by the recognition is more powerful than my value. Basically I should not care about what the other people think about me. But I struggle very hard on that point.

Writing this ritual makes me think about my period between 10 to 14 years old where I felt rejected, I had very few friends, and even been bulled at school. I really develop this socialize way at that time. I do not want to be rejected and I found the best way is to agree with others.

I will focus during coming days on all behaviors I have to generate recognition of others, to be part of the group. And I will continue to remind my guilt as an extra fence.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:45 pm 
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Lesson 33, Day 5

This afternoon, I had concentration difficulties at work, still very ashamed by my recent behavior. Then I took time to read again in detail the lesson 33, I had a doubt about my understanding, and a big doubt about myself. All emotions are finite.

Yes, all emotions are finite, and I practically experimented it in the very bad way with my relapse. All my emotions related to sex, as much intense they are, are finite, and they finish by shame. The compulsive behaviors driven by emotion, conducted me to shame, guilt and lost of confidence. High intensity, immediate gratification but long term shame. 5 seconds orgasm against a very long shame. I do not know if my understanding is correct but that where I am with my thought today.

I return to lesson “0”, the workshop orientation. I wanted to assess my moral. The reading was useful, and here is how I feel honestly:
 > I have no exact idea where I am at the moment. I have lost confidence in myself.
 > Positively, I think, I try to really and sincerely build my own self awareness system
 > But I do not trust myself at all. I understand I am emotionally immature, and a lot of my behaviors, even my recovery, are still a search for emotional comfort.
 > I feel I manipulate myself.
 > But the shame is true, my work is sincere. I want to recover, but I still do not understand what is to be healthy.

I will continue the recovery process.

Today, I continue to look for sexual emotion, to generate guilt (most probably it is why I feel necessary to interrupt my job to return to lesson). As identified yesterday I tried to focus on my need for immediate recognition (the need to be part of a group, to be recognized by the others, to be notices by woman…). Here below example of behaviors for which I think I can highlight this trend. Most of topics are related to job situation:
 > I started work with a long discuss with my boss in the morning. Whatever we share useful information, this was not absolutely necessary or urgent. Even if it is a friendly habit, I have most probably develop this ritual to “seduce” my boss. We call that development relationship, but basically I am nearly sure it is driven by emotion first. Basically, I can say that I always give priority to an instruction given by my boss even if I am doing something else. And basically I always give priority to an action that provide this immediate gratification (“you are so intelligent, I need you help…”) than to my planned activity. This attitude has an impact on my self confidence and esteem for sure.
 > I am alone this week end, and there is a visitor to our company who will spend the week end there. I have been clear about the fact I won’t go out (I do not feel confident) but I propose him to come at home for a diner. Basically it is a friendly and polite, but then I think to myself: “why did I propose that? Do I really want to spend time with him? Or this proposal is just driven by the fact I want to show myself as a nice personn?”. Honnestly even if this behavior is not “negative”, I invite him to look nice.
 > I write an email and I decide to put my N+1 in CC. It was useless. I think to myself why I do that? To inform him or to show him how smart am I? I decided to remove him from CC. And I get satisfaction for him to pollute his mail box.
 > This morning I had a lively (violent would be too much) discuss with one of my colleague, in front of my boss. It was about a decision I do not agree. Basically I can say I was technically right, but I feel guilt. First because we started an argument, and second because I did not know all the context of the decision. I handle this problem in the wrong way, from an emotional point of view. I did not go and see the guy after to excuse myself about this argument, but we restarted friendly relation then after. Again a need to be sure I did not hurt. Was it motivated by guilt or by fear to have damage my image to him?
Whatever the topic are about job situation (by the way I am immature in all aspect of my life), what conclusion for the moment:
 > Emotionally driven behaviors bring a short term satisfaction/emotion.
 > Guilt, shame or loss of self esteem come naturally and late longer than the immediate gratification
 > I doubt in the sincerity of every of my behavior at the moment
 > The task to recover seems huge to me

For the moment my decision is to very limit the risk of slip (at least concerning sex addiction), and to continue to look at my emotion.

I planned my week end activities. I am still alone.
 Go running with a friend
 I plan to find a present for my family coming back next week, to welcome them
 I plan to prepare the return of my family (fill the fridge)
 I plan to invite my neighbor and 1 colleague at home and to not go out at night
 I plan to finish the preparation work for my professional skill review I will start in early September (with coaching)


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 20, 2016 10:15 am 
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Lesson 33 - Day 6

I tried to read my motion throught the filter of time and intensity, and explain how I pass away.

 > Waking up, Iam still in the bed, I am aroused, I imagine a naked body (image from a past but very long affair). Medium intensity (5), time is medium (4). I need to call for shame emotion, intensity reduce but ritual not over. I decide to change behavior and leave my bed, start my bed. Emotion passed away
 > During running, I cross girls, with beautiful body. My vision is attracted. Start of fantasy (I would like to be notice). The time is short, intensity is low, just need to refocus on my running.
 > During running, during a break time, a very athletic woman pass us. Fantasy (I would like to know her), intensity is medium but time is very short, by the fact she pass away
 > During running, I cross the same athletic woman. She maybe rest after passing us. I pass her. My fantasy come back. I would like to talk to her. As I promise my running partner to find water, I decide to move away and find water and by the way to change path. The woman disappear. But the emotion remain once we bought water, I still have fantasy to meet her again. I need to call for shame emotion and refocus on running.
 > On the way home, in the taxi, I pass next to a hotel I had several affair. Big guilt emotion. Very intense, but very short.
 > Once at home, I want to take shower. Running and shower are trigger for masturbation. Low intensity emotion, medium time, I call easily handle and pass away by calling for guilt and my value
 > At home, I think about my wife. I did not say too much recently to her. Because she is 10000km from me, and as well that I am sure now that I am looking for immediate gratification each time I talk. I do not feel confident, I feel guilt. I decide to work on my recovery.
 > Group of girl passing, I see them from far, I decide to not look and pass away, but I think about them. Did they see me? Did they speak about me together? I feel guilt and shame about this emotion. The emotion disappaear.
 > I cross many Girls in the street that generate a fantasy to me. I catch the emotion and tell to myself it is ridiculous and I fell shame. The emotion stop, I turn back to reality
 > During the afternoon I feel boredom. I do not want to work, I think about my emotion. My thought . I need to move forward. I decide to go for swim. I forget my emptiness emotion.

I could have many more example about such situation all day long. My conclusion at this stage:
 > Emotion are finite, they have an end. But I struggle to stop emotion related to my compulsive behavior, and I do not succeed to stop by my value system.
 > Higher is the intensity, biggest is the difficulty to manage.
 > I notice that intensity is more important for “feasible” behaviors:
Fantasy and masturbation at home
The athletic woman running, I could more easily to interact with her as far as we have something in common, I could easily talk to her without showing the image of seducer
 > The guilt is not naturally present, and it is triggered as the compulsive emotion. I want to have a normal life, balanced, but honestly these days I would like me to fell more guilty in order to control my emotion

Tomorrow Day 7, time to summarize. I feel despair about what I learn about me and my immaturity, but I think I learnt a new skill anyway. I would like to focus on the intensity of the emotions, the emotions I have difficulty to counter, and to qualify what are the intensity generators.


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